Complete list of nominations for January, 2006

JANUARY 2006 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards >Nomination Archives> 2006

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
The West Virginia coal mine disaster =
It is twelve deaths in a grim scenario.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Oscar nominations unveiled =
Movies' list announced on-air.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Hamas triumphs in Palestinian elections =
Oh man, this result is insane. Panic time, pal!

David Bourke with:
Combatting anti-social behaviour =
Blair aim: "Big Tone" to caution "chavs".

Larry Brash with:
Hamas has won the Palestinian election =
I see that nation shall wish man no peace.

Tony Crafter with:
The Alaskan volcano Augustine has erupted =
Choking ashes and a lava output later ensue.

Rosie Perera with:
The coal mining disaster =
Ah, men lost inside. Tragic.

Rosie Perera with:
Stranded whale dies in rescue attempt: =
Sad, cruelest end in Thames' tepid water.

Rosie Perera with:
Bush Administration's illegal wiretapping =
Well, I hear militant Arab pundits gossiping.

Rosie Perera with:
Oh, Canada...what have you done??!!=
Ha ha! You vote and a cad won, eh?

Rick Rothstein with:
Acting Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert: ~
"Ariel Sharon? Limited, imprecise muttering."

Rick Rothstein with:
Martin Luther King Day =
Thinking "truly a dream".

Rick Rothstein with:
The Palestinian election results =
Tell Israel, "Intent is to shun peace."

Rick Rothstein with:
Enron executives ‡
Executions? Never!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Uranium Enrichment Programs =
Men in Iran got much purer arms.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Israeli PM Ariel Sharon =
He's in mortal peril, as I hear.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti =
Is a jailbird madman that disliked USA.

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
Canada's new Prime Minister, Stephen Harper =
This deep man renews American partnership.

David Bourke with:
The US actress Shelley Winters =
This recluse, she's newly at rest.

David Bourke with:
Simon Henry Ward Hughes =
Gay? Shhh! (Row "undermines").

David Bourke with:
The singer Billy Idol (William Michael Albert Broad) =
Alright, "Idle". I am a terribly shallow blond imbecile!

Larry Brash with:
The Italian composer, Giacomo Puccini =
Ooh... magical! Top in nice operatic music.

Tony Crafter with:
The Emperor Hirohito =
The poor? I'm their hero.

Tony Crafter with:
The politician 'Gorgeous' George Galloway =
Puritanical ogre with sly goal. Ego! Ego! Ego!

Hans-Peter Reich with:
Ehud Olmert =
Method: Rule!

Don Rogers with:
If Anna Kournikova married Kelsey Grammer... =
Make dorky fusion arrive, like "Anna Grammer".

Christopher Sturdy with:
Nicholas Andreas "Nick the Greek" Dandolos =
keen on high stakes on cards and a dice roll.

View with:
Actor Louis de Funes =
Fatuous screen-idol.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
Best actress nominees:
1. Dame Judi Dench
2. Reese Witherspoon
3. Felicity Huffman
4. Charlize Theron
5. Keira Knightley

=

1. The erudite Mrs. Henderson
2. Johnny Cash's chick
3. This effeminate guy
4. A lifetime coal worker
5. Pride's Eliza Bennet

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Do tell me", I asked president George W. Bush, "What's your honest opinion of Roe v. Wade?" =
"Sorry, kid", he answered, bemused, "I don't give a shit how people got out of New Orleans!"

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Terror group Hamas wins at the Palestinian elections =
Astonishing news! Israel in complete uproar at threat.

David Bourke with:
Leo Blair, the youngest son of the Prime Minister, Tony Blair, and Cherie. =
His nosy, eyesore mother AND tiring, contemptible father lie in Labour.

David Bourke with:
A Northern Bottlenose Whale (hyperoodon ampullatus) has been sighted in Central London =
Bloody hell! Nonsense...that's Ann Widdecombe au naturel! So repellant! Harpoon her tonight!

David Bourke with:
'Rogue State: A Guide to the World's Only Superpower' by William Blum =
Slow-witted, purely immoral...all about YOU, President George W. Bush!

David Bourke with:
The lead singer of The Pogues, Shane Patrick Lysaght MacGowan =
Inspires heckler...wasn't he the "maggot" and "a cheap lousy faggot"?

Larry Brash with:
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him (Mark Antony) =
My concerned Americans, look, I'm aimin' to fry Osama, not try to return da man. (Your Serene Pres. Bush).

Tony Crafter with:
The young Princes Edward and Richard, 'The Princes in the Tower' =
Deputy regent Richard Third incarcerated his own nephews? No!

Tony Crafter with:
They say that the main difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral is that there's one less drunk! =
Yet, I hear that a dead Irish lush in NY drank nine Guinness beers when offered them; said, " It was nectar!" … then left!

GOLDFERN with:
"Men will always be mad, and those who think they can cure them are the maddest of all". - Voltaire =
Arouet saw a vital entelechy. Hey, this old Frenchman awed me with bold talk and moral themes.

Rosie Perera with:
FDA announces approval of inhaled insulin for diabetics. =
O! I've danced in full praise, for I can abandon painful shots.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.--- Isaac Asimov
=
The US is evil - a state of hate.
Islam its antithesis.
Rise up; plot force; act!

Osama Bin Laden

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Toby Gottfried with:
Six Jewish gentlemen were once playing poker in their condo's rec room, and one of them bet and lost five hundred dollars on a single hand, and died right there at the table. They fell quiet, and, showing respect for their fallen pal, finished that poker hand standing up.

But who was going to tell his wife, Mimi ?They drew straws, and Reuben, always a loser, picked a short one. They told him to be discreet, gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. He said, "Gentlemen! I am the most discreet guy around. Leave the task for me."

So he went on over to the apartment, and knocked at the door.

The wife answered, asking him, "What do you want?"

He said, "Mimi, your husband did just lose $500 at cards."

She screamed, "HE - SHOULD - DROP - DEAD!"

"My fine lady," Reuben calmly replied, "... from your lips ... to God's ears."

=

Back in the 60's, a U.S. Navy ship pulled into a town in Mississippi for shore leave. The Admiral was decidedly surprised to get this request from a wealthy cotton plantation owner:

Dear Admiral,

On Wednesday next, the Nineteenth, it will be my daughter's birthday.

We would like you to send eight of your well-mannered, good officers to a night of polite dance and Southern charm with young ladies at our home.

They should arrive at 8:00 p.m., on the dot.

And, please, don't send Jews.

At 8:00 o'clock on the Wednesday, there did come, dressed in uniform, eight perfectly-mannered ensigns - DARK BLACK. The woman's jaw hit the floor, but she did gather herself together and barely whispered, "There has been a dreadful mistake!"

"No Ma'am," soothed one ensign,
"Admiral Goldberg, he don't make mistakes!"

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A Little Fun With Math

1. Pick any number from 1 to 7.
2. Double your number and add 5.
3. Multiply this new total by 50.
4. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1756. If not, add 1755.
5. Subtract the four-digit year in which you were born.
6. Only a three-digit number remains. The first digit of this number was the one you picked. The last two digits are your age.

=

The Freudian Magic Trick

1. Be totally at ease.
2. Drift within your mind's depths as you leave your body behind.
3. Try to waft by a bad memory - that darn awful time in which you were hurt, subdued or humiliated.
4. Let this day's wrath float up again.
5. Find the person you blame for this terribly degrading incident...
6. You're thinking about your mother.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A paranormal researcher was giving a talk in the village hall and asked,

"Out of interest, does anyone here think they've seen a ghost?" About nine hands went up. "Remarkable!" He exclaimed. "OK then, I wonder, has anyone ever spoken to a ghost?" Four hands went up. "Heck!" said the surprised man . "Well, did anyone here ever make love to a ghost?"

One solitary hand shot up. "I did! I did!" cried an old farmer who was standing at the back of the hall.

"Wow! Incredible!" said the lecturer. "You really made love to a ghost! How?"

"A ghost...? Beg your pardon sir," said the farmer, "I'm afraid I misheard. I thought you said a goat!"

=

A union rep, checking on a farmer thought to have been underpaying his employees, was being introduced to the hands.

"This is young Clive," said the farmer, "he drives a hay-cart and gets two hundred dollars a week and a room and board. Clive's colleague Millie, here, keeps house and averages a hundred and sixty-eight dollars a week with a room and board."

"That's fair," said the rep; "OK, anyone else?"

"Yeah, the half-wit. He slogs seventy hours a week for a notional twelve dollars, with room and board."

"Aha!" said the union rep. "I'd like to speak to that man."

"You're talking to him right now," said the farmer.

Rosie Perera with:
All Bush can do each flipping governmental hour is just keep looking more naive or pushing quite ridiculous strategies, thus undermining very wise x-chromosomal young zoologists.

=

Environmental protection? BS! My expert gurus counsel us pilgrims: Go on, find and dig up oil in Alaska soon, giving much glory to Jesus our Savior so He'll make the U.S. quite rich. Oh, gee whiz!

Rick Rothstein with:
Harping on, Donald Rumsfeld, while giving Bush his daily noon-briefing talk, soon reports that, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed by the enemy."
=
Weeping, the US president grimly yelled, "NO! NO!", adding, "That is terrible, so very terrible!" Then Bush, looking harried, offhandedly asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Christopher Sturdy with:
America bombs countries defying every foreign government, however implausibly justifying killing legitimate Muslim nationals occupying powerful, quantitatively rich states, then unleashes virulent wild xenophobic Yank zealotry.

=

US foreign policy run by George W Bush

I like oil. Them Ay-rabs have it 'n' I want it. So let's just invade Iraq.
I'll invite my pal Tony on my crusade.
Give me a gun 'n' crucifix 'n' we'll effing bury 'em.
Once it's over, I'll get an OPEC list 'n' simply take them on, A thru Z.

The Anagrammy Awards

JANUARY 2006 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY