MARCH 2006 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Anagrammy Archives > 2006

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Paul Pan with:
Heel claims ~
me, Achilles.

2nd - Zoran Radisavlevic with:
Computer viruses =
Must revise our PC!

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A cure for bald males =
A dream for cue-balls.

aussie battler with:
Herders of ~
Herefords.

aussie battler with:
Rodent swam ~
downstream.

aussie battler with:
An interest ~
entertains.

aussie battler with:
Be trendier ~
interbreed!

David Bourke with:
Taking a driving lesson for the first time =
"So, left again...first right...it's OK, never mind!"

David Bourke with:
The art of seduction =
Act due of Rothstein.

David Bourke with:
Peaceful activists =
Pacifist values, etc.

Larry Brash with:
Silicone implants =
Small incision, pet.

Tony Crafter with:
Favorite charitableness =
The Blairs' free vacations!

Tony Crafter with:
Nonentities =
Not Einstein!

Tony Crafter with:
African lion ‡
Californian.

Tony Crafter with:
A lonely man =
An only male.

Tony Crafter with:
A parent is cruel =
An erratic pulse.

Toby Gottfried with:
Actions speak louder than words =
Don't our 'Do's answer "Talk is cheap" ?

Adrian Hickford with:
Falsification =
Fictional? As if!

Meyran Kraus with:
Silicone implants =
So, it can spill in me?

Paul Pan with:
A girl's best friend =
Bride's festal ring.

Paul Pan with:
A legal advisor ~
saved liar gaol.

Rick Rothstein with:
Antiperspirant deodorant =
Ad ran: "No pit stain reported."

Rick Rothstein with:
Religious texts =
Sex urge... I lost it!

View with:
Poltergeist =
It spelt 'ogre'.

View with:
I barely add ~
daily bread.


THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
'On the Origin of Species' by author Charles Darwin =
Big theory which infers our ancestor is an old ape.

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
Venus de Milo (Aphrodite of Melos) =
Model of maid poses in the Louvre.

3rd - View with:
'The Simpsons' cartoons =
Spastic Homer, snot son...

David Bourke with:
Natalie Gulbis =
It's a nubile gal!

Larry Brash with:
The Russian composer Dmitri Shostakovich =
Top-rank, his modish, Soviet orchestra music.

Tony Crafter with:
The childrens' fairy story Sleeping Beauty =
Yes, the prince arouses the lady by flirting!

Dan Fortier with:
"Crash", so you win the Best Picture Oscar! =
Cowboys out, race-hate script rushes in!

Meyran Kraus with:
The actress Reese Witherspoon =
So sweet! I present her the oscar.

Paul Pan with:
Natalie Gulbis =
"I use giant ball!"

Rosie Perera with:
Halle Orchestra of Manchester cancels USA trip =
Fun rehearsals & practices at home concert halls.

Rick Rothstein with:
The actress Nicole Kidman =
I'm a stilted hack on screen.


THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
Gary Glitter gets three years in a Vietnamese prison =
"I try some very tight pre-teenage Eastern Asian girls!"

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Media report on avian flu cases =
Paranoid tales of virus menace.

3rd - Zoran Radisavlevic with:
Milosevic's funeral =
Fine. All is over, scum!

David Bourke with:
Peter Leslie Osgood =
I go to sleep, see Lord.

David Bourke with:
Madonna and Guy Ritchie's marriage status =
Traumatic saga...her man is grounded: "STAY IN!"

David Bourke with:
The results of Slobodan Milosevic's autopsy =
This fat Slav slob's outcome: Poisoned, surely?

David Bourke with:
A cat in Germany has died of avian flu =
Achtung! I'd advise fear of any animal!

David Bourke with:
Donations to the Labour Party =
I pay that...turn to be a Lord soon!

Larry Brash with:
Portia Simpson Miller =
Rare optimism in polls.

Tony Crafter with:
America's prisoners in Guantanamo Bay =
Misery, as I am persona non grata in Cuba.

Tony Crafter with:
Tony Blair says that God will judge him over Iraq =
A war inquiry? Devil's joy! Bastard might go to Hell!

Meyran Kraus with:
Media reports on avian flu =
Fear-manipulators dove in.

Rick Rothstein with:
The Slobodan Milosevic funeral =
An evil clod, entomb his foul arse.

View with:
Michael Jackson ordered to close Neverland =
Cancel, then! No more cajoled kids or lads, ever!


THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The former president Slobodan Milosevic =
Don't sob over him, after prison-cell demise.

2nd - Rick Rothstein with:
Maureen Stapleton =
A supreme talent, no?

3rd - Megan R with:
Ahmadinejad =
A damn Jehadi.

David Bourke with:
The Secretary of State for Education and Skills =
One notes Ruth Kelly's a feared, fascist dictator!

Larry Brash with:
Former Yugoslavian President Slobodan Milosevic =
Evil ogre died in prison cell. Most of us say: "Bravo, man!"

Tony Crafter with:
The Italian premier Silvio Berlusconi =
Millionaire invites Blairs to cheer up!

Tony Crafter with:
Ms Olive Marie Osmond =
Me? I live as Mormons do.

Paul Pan with:
Carla Del Ponte =
Placed on alert.

View with:
Actress Maureen Stapleton =
Late top US screen star. Amen.


THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Microsoft Help and Support Website =
Stupid patch! Problem is often worse!

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Labour Party Prime Minister =
I'm that super Premier Tony Blair!

3rd - View with:
CIA man =
Maniac.

David Bourke with:
The registered charity 'Age Concern' ~
enhanced the geriatric grey sector.

David Bourke with:
The Apple iTunes download service =
Now I never use CD / tape piles! Old hat!

Larry Brash with:
Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy =
Drum up hoax by my nonsense cry.

Larry Brash with:
Southeastern Australia ‡
I hate our natural assets.

Tony Crafter with:
Sunset Boulevard LA =
Ultra-suave blondes.

Tony Crafter with:
'Brand-Beckham' =
Bad benchmark.

Meyran Kraus with:
Wig Warehouse =
I show a wee rug.

Zoran Radisavlevic with:
The Tay-Sachs disease =
Yes, it has death cases...

Rick Rothstein with:
The President of the Russian Federation =
Hopes are for friend in the United States.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Arundel and Brighton Lourdes Pilgrimage Ltd =
Help ill, disabled grandma in rug return to God.

View with:
In Sweden ~
we sinned.


THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
President Slobodan Milosevic, "The Butcher of the Balkans" =
Devil takes the scum responsible for an ethnic bloodbath.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. (Arnold Toynbee) =
I remain most livid over a greatly incorrect adage, as it is *I* who grovel and lick my Yankee master's loafer! (Tony Blair)

3rd - Larry Brash with:
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. =
I'm George W. Bush. I can't accept being in a country that always elects me, a blatant simpleton, to be President to all (Twice, man!)

David Bourke with:
The Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, Tessa Jane Helen Douglas Jowell, and her husband David Mills =
"Er, granted...a jet-set fellow named Silvio Berlusconi's cash just totally funded a rather damned sharp house deal!"

David Bourke with:
The marble statue 'The Venus de Milo' (or 'The Aphrodite of Melos') =
Half-nude amputee...both arms either lost, or thieves looted 'em!

David Bourke with:
Sir Ian Blair, the Commissioner of the London Metropolitan Police force =
Oh no! Senior Old Bill moron in more criticism after telephone-tap fiasco!

David Bourke with:
Lord Charles Leslie Falconer (Baron Falconer of Thoroton) =
A sloth, a lard-barrel for life! (No, cholesterol of no concern!)

Tony Crafter with:
The Secretary of State for Education and Skills, The Rt Hon Miss Ruth Kelly =
Often acts rash, yet truthful and sincere. (Still looks rather dyke-ish to me).


THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Let's quickly survey all of the 78th Academy Awards winners:

Best Motion Picture "Crash"
Best Director: Ang Lee
Best Lead Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman
Best Supporting Actor: George Clooney
Best Lead Actress: Reese Witherspoon
Best Supporting Actress: Rachel Weisz
Best Original Screenplay: "Crash"
Best Adapted Screenplay: "Brokeback Mountain"
Best Editing: "Crash"
Best Cinematography: "Memoirs of a Geisha"
Best Art Direction: "Memoirs of a Geisha" [John Myhre and Gretchen Rau]
Best Costume Design: "Memoirs of a Geisha" [Colleen Atwood]
Best Makeup: "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe"
Best Sound Editing: "King Kong"
Best Sound Mixing: "King Kong"
Best Visual Effects: "King Kong"
Best Original Score: "Brokeback Mountain" [Gustavo Santaolalla]
Best Original Song: "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" [Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman and Paul Beauregard]
Best Foreign Language Film: "Tsotsi"
Best Documentary: "March of the Penguins"
Best Short Documentary: "A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin"
Best Animated Film: "Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit"
Best Animated Short Film: "The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation"
Best Live Action Short Film: "Six Shooter"

=

But never mind these... Time to see who the new Golden Raspberry winners are:

Worst Picture: A random strand of gross-out scenes titled "Dirty Love"

Most Unbearable Actor: That ignoble Rob Schneider constantly mugging for the camera in "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo"

Most Unbearable Actress: A boob-enhanced Jenny McCarthy assuming Skank Mode in "Dirty Love"

Sorriest Supporting Actor: Hayden Christensen's stiff face attempting to emote in George Lucas's "Star Wars Episode III"

Tackiest Supporting Actress: Famous-but-talentless heiress Paris Hilton being slaughtered and somehow sucking at it in "House of Wax"

Most Boring Screen Couple: The mind-boggling mismatch of Will Ferrell and Nicole Kidman in the feeble fiasco "Bewitched"

Most Abominable Remake\Sequel: The instant box-office bomb "Son of the Mask"

Most Amateurish Script: An unspeakable draft that Ms. McCarthy has penned for "Dirty Love"

Crappiest Director: The hack John Asher for his homage to gonorrhea, "Dirty Love"

Most Tiresome Tabloid Target (AKA Biggest Douchebag): Crazed scientologist and pest Tom Cruise, for going bananas on Oprah's couch, babbling incoherently about Katie Holmes and being a freak in general.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The kids were lined up for lunch in the Catholic school's cafeteria. On the table was a largish pile of apples. The nuns had written a note and put it on the tray, saying:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further down the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a larger pile of chocolate chip cookies.

On the tray beside them, a kid had written:

"Take what you want. God is watching the apples."

=

A teacher was observing the children one afternoon as they painted pictures.
When she got to Cath, who was sat painting contentedly, she asked the affable little girl what her picture was of.

Cath replied deeply, "Oh, a picture of God."

"Aha, neat!" said the teacher, "But Cath, no one knows what God, er ... looks like."

Without looking up from the painting, the child said nonchalantly, "They will in a minute."

3rd - David Bourke with:
George W. Bush:
"America is a friend to the people of Iraq. Our demands are directed only at the regime that enslaves them and threatens us. When these demands are met, the first and greatest benefit will come to Iraqi men, women and children."

=

"The post-Nine-Eleven terrorism threat? The challenge of finding bin Laden's headquarters and defeating Al Qaida? No, screw 'em! Remember...war, it comes down to greed...cheaper oil for the United States. What a shame they misunderestimated me!"

Christopher Sturdy with:
Dignity and respect make up a two-way street. Whenever navigating down this road, feel free to exercise this right-of-way, as it will more than likely be reciprocated.

=

I saw great need for pertinent travel advice when asking this screwy chap for directions - write a will (we don't get a fee) as you're likely to get hit by a mixed metaphor.

View with:
'I happen temporarily to occupy this big White House. I am living witness that any one of your children may look to come here as my father's child has'.

=

Hi,hi! Now I'm president of The United States of America.Simply any worthy guy or schoolgirl can replace me...Oh, even that impolitic shaky yahoo - Bush!


THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
New Woman's 100 Sexiest Men in the World 2006:

1st Brad Pitt
2nd Jake Gyllenhaal
3rd Orlando Bloom
4th Johnny Depp
5th Clive Owen
6th Jose Mourinho
7th Shayne Ward
8th Daniel Craig
9th Simon Jones
10th Olivier Martinez
11th George Clooney
12th Thierry Henry
13th Robbie Williams
14th David Beckham
15th Jude Law
16th Josh Holloway
17th Adam Brody
18th Pete Doherty
19th Alex Zane
20th David Tennant
21st Gavin Henson
22nd Heath Ledger
23rd Leonardo Di Caprio
24th Joaquin Phoenix
25th Prince William
26th Preston
27th Matthew Fox
28th Jonny Wilkinson
29th Jamie Foxx
30th Vince Vaughn
31st Hugh Grant
32nd Freddie Ljungberg
33rd Vernon Kaye
34th Colin Farrell
35th Dermot O’leary
36th Justin Timberlake
37th Ewan Mcgregor
38th Fabio Moretti
39th Ashton Kutchner
40th Usher
41st Jason Statham
42nd Eminem
43rd Keanu Reeves
44th Matthew Mcconaughey
45th Owen Wilson
46th Viggo Mortensen
47th Matt Le Blanc
48th James Cracknell
49th Antonio Banderas
50th Calum Best
51st Tom Cruise
52nd Ralph Fiennes
53rd Goran Visnijic
54th Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff
55th Will Smith
56th Prince Harry
57th Naveen Andrews
58th Sean Penn
59th Brandon Flowers
60th Colin Firth
61st Simon Webbe
62nd Pierce Brosnan
63rd Jean Christoph Novelli
64th Michael Owen
65th Gael Garcia Bernal
66th Carl Barat
67th Mick Jagger
68th Steve Jones
69th Jason Lee
70th Cillian Murphy
71st Max Beesley
72nd Paul Bettany
73rd Matt James
74th Nigel Harman
75th Jonathan Ross
76th Lee Ryan
77th Richard Fleeshman
78th Jamie Oliver
79th Steven Gerrard
80th Damien Lewis
81st Anthony Head
82nd Jason Orange
83rd Andrew Lincoln
84th Jody Latham
85th James Mcavoy
86th Daniel Radcliffe
87th Patrick Dempsey
88th Robert Webb
89th Adrien Brody
90th Johnny Knoxville
91st Paul Walker
92nd David Cameron
93rd James Blunt
94th Russell Crowe
95th Ashley Cole
96th Colin Murray
97th Ben Shephard
98th Will Young
99th Gordon Ramsay
100th Alex Turner

=

Now the hundred most dead-gorgeous, sexy women 2006... true VIP "Top Totty":

1st Natalie Imbruglia
2nd Anna Kournikova
3rd Helena Christensen
4th Halle Berry
5th Kate Beckinsale
6th J-Lo
7th Helena Bonham-Carter
8th Penelope Cruz
9th Elle Macpherson
10th Jennifer Aniston
11th Pamela Anderson
12th Angelina Jolie
13th Cameron Diaz
14th Sophie Ellis-Bextor
15th Barbara Schett
16th Emma Major
17th Norah Jones
18th Thandie Newton
19th Jade Jagger
20th Victoria Beckham
21st Kylie Minogue
22nd Avril Lavigne
23rd Sharon Stone
24th Andy McDowell
25th Ms Dynamite
26th Mya
27th Minnie Driver
28th Gwen Stefani
29th Dido
30th Carol Vorderman
31st Beverley Craven
32nd Sheryl Crow
33rd Uma Thurman
34th Isabelle Dinoir
35th Naomi Campbell
36th Joss Stone
37th Jamie-Lee Curtis
38th Lulu
39th Olivia Newton-John
40th Enya
41st Drew Barrymore
42nd Gabby Logan
43rd Alex Kingston
44th Fifi-Trixibelle Geldof
45th Bonnie Langford
46th Twiggy
47th Geri Halliwell
48th Joanna Lumley
49th Samantha Fox
50th Emma Bunton
51st Goldie Hawn
52nd Jemima Khan
53rd Patsy Palmer
54th Exene Cervenka
55th Jennifer Warnes
56th Sara Cox
57th Winona Ryder
58th Stevie Nicks
59th Cheryl Ladd
60th J.K. Rowling
61st P.J. Harvey
62nd Jerry Hall
63rd Madonna
64th Demi Moore
65th Davina McCall
66th Cher
67th Mel Brown
68th Mel Chisholm
69th Monica Lewinsky
70th Whoopi Goldberg
71st Courtney Love
72nd Divine Brown
73rd Jane Fonda
74th Sophie Wessex
75th Joan Collins
76th Steffi Graf
77th H.R.H. Her Majesty The Queen
78th Wendy Richard
79th/80th Trinny/Susannah
81st Rose West
82nd Janice Long
83rd Joan Rivers
84th Tessa Jowell MP
85th Sally Gunnell
86th Victoria Wood
87th Lindsay Davenport
88th Jordan
89th Ruby Wax
90th Dawn French
91st Jenna Bush
92nd H.R.H. Princess Anne
93rd Clare Balding
94th Jo Brand
95th P.M. Margaret Thatcher
96th Huffty
97th Janet Street-Porter
98th Ann Widdecombe MP
99th Camilla Windsor
100th Cherie Booth

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Poisoning Pigeons In The Park

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Dear Mr Viddik

I hate you. I hate you with a passion that has seethed for forty years, and unless I vent it, I'll erupt like a volcano.

You won't know me because I was one of the many little kids who passed through the torture chamber you called a classroom.

Yes Mr Viddik, you were my music teacher. But not any old teacher; you were an arrogant, sour, insensitive despot who single-handedly set back my musical appreciation by thirty years. Amazing!

Oh yes, you did demonstrate some classical stuff to us, but made no attempt to convey the passion, joy or genius that went into it, for you had none of these attributes yourself.

You made my musical appreciation a personal nightmare, and subjected me to the most humiliating experience of my life because I couldn't tell a crotchet from a quaver. In front of all my classmates, you beat a rhythm on my head with a blackboard eraser and, while great clouds of chalk-dust rained down past my tear-filled eyes, you shouted: "Tell me boy, what's going through that head now? Crotchets or quavers?"

The tragedy is, Mr Viddik, I do have an affinity for music. It can tear at my soul; it can lift my heart. I only have to hear something from 'Les Miserables' and I'm in tears. If I hear 'Night Fever' I'm up on the floor disco-dancing like a man inspired. But the classics leave me cold because they remind me of you.

Tragically, it is too late to redress this deficiency; it would take a lifetime to regain the knowledge and passion needed - and I hate you for that, Mr Viddik.

Are you wondering how I found your address? Easy: I looked in the phone directory and there you were. I didn't know if you'd still be alive because God knows you must be older than Methuselah, but I phoned the number and some nice old dear confirmed that yes, you had taught at my old school, and did I wish to speak to you? I said no - well, you can express hate so much better in a letter. And that's what I've done, and I feel great for having done it, so put that in your Wincarnis tonic-wine and drink it you swine.

Sincerely,

A. Crafter.

=

Dear Crafter,

Infernal cheek! I don't drink Wincarnis; I am a whisky man through and through. And why you expect me to remember you, I can't imagine - all you kids were snotty-nosed little brats, and what's more, most of you felt the edge of that blackboard eraser on your tatty, oily little skulls.

My teaching methods were tried and proven year by year, and if you didn't learn from them, that's your own daft fault. How dare you call me insensitive? May God strike me dead if I ever displayed one jot of insensitivity towards any of my


Dear Mr Crafter,

As you can see from the enclosed letter, my husband received your communication, but was unable to complete a reply.

He showed me your letter before going into the lounge to give a piano lesson to Chico, a Brazilian music student. He instructed me to pour him a stiff Scotch and to leave it on his desk so that he could drink it whilst doing a reply to you. As was his custom, he had some particularly caustic comments to relay to you.

The reason he didn't finish it is because I found him slumped over his bureau, pen in hand, as dead as a dodo.

Do not blame yourself Mr Crafter; he was all the things you described him as. I should know, I spent a lifetime's association with the loathsome masochist. My friend, yours wasn't the only volcano to erupt ...

That remark, although symbolic, about putting your hatred into his Wincarnis tonic-wine, gave me an idea. He loved his daily whisky, and that proved to be his undoing, for the pungency of the whisky disguised the taste of the paraquat.

I know I can rely upon you to destroy this letter (after all, we are kindred souls are we not?) In any case, I'll be out of the country when you receive it. I intend to take up residence in Ipanema and to lead a life of unbridled debauchery with my attractive young paramour Chico who, I am delighted to say, has achieved a quite remarkable degree of manual dexterity as a result of my deceased husband's lessons.

My! My! At least he left one decent legacy!

Adios amigo!

A joyous,

Victoria Anita Viddik

View with:
You are my destiny


THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The nudist community =
I must not hide my cunt!

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Under each Scotsman's kilt ~
the clan's scrotum is naked!

3rd - Rick Rothstein with:
Oral stimulation of the clitoris =
Lo! A lot of irritation 'til she cums.

David Bourke with:
Only a partial erection ‡
Certainly operational.

David Bourke with:
Inside the scrotum ~
hot cum is resident.

Tony Crafter with:
A bestial-porn movie ~
is a bovine-romp tale.

Tony Crafter with:
A man's best friend =
Damn fine breasts!

Paul Pan with:
A bestial-porn movie =
Ape lover's ambition.

Rick Rothstein with:
The art of seduction =
Hooters dictate fun.

View with:
Sleeping around =
Go penis and rule !

View with:
Sleeping with many girls =
My large whistling penis.


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