Anagrammy Awards > Anagrammy Archives > 2006


1st - Richard Grantham with:
Computer games =
Get mouse cramp.

2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Don't hide your light under a bushel =
Your lantern, dude, it should be high!

3rd - Scott Gardner with:
Killing two birds with one stone =
I will go strike down both in nest.

Sir T. Aucscua with:
I'm violating ‡
I am loving it.

aussie battler with:
Below par =
Pale brow.

David Bourke with:
Hip replacement operation =
Patient: "A cripple no more, eh!"

Larry Brash with:
Anti-depressant medication ~
remained sad patients' tonic.

Andrew Brehaut with:
The story of the birds and the bees =
Hottest boyfriend shares the bed.

Andrew Brehaut with:
"Polly wants a cracker" =
Parrot cackles wanly.

Andrew Brehaut with:
The budgerigar =
Get a huger bird!

Andrew Brehaut with:
Manic? Sad? Tense? Trepidation? =
Anti-depressant medication.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Athens traps ~
the Spartans.

Andrew Brehaut with:
The bowels are grumbing. =
Great huge worms nibble.

Andrew Brehaut with:
intelligent conversation =
noting interaction levels.

Tony Crafter with:
Tubbier afresh =
Further babies?

Tony Crafter with:
A prime terrorism spot =
Most premier airports.

Scott Gardner with:
At your Thanksgiving Day dinner =
Dining on this: a turkey and gravy.

Adrian Hickford with:
A sleeping disorder =
Lad desiring repose.

Meyran Kraus with:
The cancerous disease =
No cure eased this case.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Numeracy scribes laud ~
mindless bureaucracy.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The dysfunctional family =
I only feud if that's my clan.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Private detective agencies ~
get evidence via ace tipster.

Michael with:
I'm starting to dream in anagrams. It's the rage! =
Attending to grammar is a nightmare, I assert.

Paul Pan with:
Christian theology =
An Ichthys rite logo.

Rosie Perera with:
Check out those Jewish and Muslim dietary laws. =
Kosher, Halal edicts: down with mussy meat juice!

Rosie Perera with:
The high-definition plasma screen television =
Fanciest thin light-emission video panel here.

Rosie Perera with:
The birthday =
Thirty, eh? Bad!

Rosie Perera with:
Death row inmates =
Where to stand, aim?

Rosie Perera with:
Late-term abortions =
To terminate labors.

Rosie Perera with:
The dog is man's best friend =
Deft mind brings & eats shoe.

Rosie Perera with:
The dog training =
Threat: "No diggin'!"

Rosie Perera with:
All in a day's work =
Kinda low salary.

Rosie Perera with:
The botched circumcision =
I bet crotch is minced. Ouch!

Rosie Perera with:
Search for the Holy Grail =
Oh, hell! Christ! A...a forgery!

Rosie Perera with:
Speed dating =
It ended; gasp!

Neil Ramsay with:
Photocopiers ‡
Poor optics, eh?

Neil Ramsay with:
Reconciliation =
Nicer coalition.

Neil Ramsay with:
Evangelism =
Evil nags me.

Rick Rothstein with:
Same-sex couple =
Pals? O, excuse me!

Rick Rothstein with:
Experiments =
Next premise.

Rick Rothstein with:
It's love ~
I've lost.

Rick Rothstein with:
Life after death =
I fade/left earth.

Nenad Savic with:
Risotto Alla Milanese =
Meal to Italian losers.

View with:
I am terrible with names =
Wait! Remember! Hi, Stalin!

View with:
Transcendental Meditation =
Tend to select Indian mantra.

View with:
The Spirit Board =
Prohibited arts.

View with:
Note this man's ~

AlanY with:
The Nativity Story =
It has very tiny tot.


1st - Andrew Brehaut with:
Pirates of the Caribbean Two: Dead Man's Chest =
Sparrow's team does find cabinet at the beach.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The nostalgic 'As Time Goes By' =
Ah, Bogey elects Sam to sing it!

3rd - View with:
Beatles' Yellow Submarine =
We'll be in a stormy blue sea!

David Bourke with:
The singer Beth Ditto =
Thighs? No!!! Better diet!

Andrew Brehaut with:
The sixties show "I Dream Of Jeannie" =
I see if Major has sex with Eden on it!

Andrew Brehaut with:
Try picking on ~
Rick Rothsteiny Ponting!

Andrew Brehaut with:
The meanest bowler =
"Name's Brett Lee."

Andrew Brehaut with:
Phillip Noyce's "Catch a Fire" ‡
Ethics help African policy

Tony Crafter with:
"Songbird" - Eva Cassidy =
Sings bad cover, I'd say.

Scott Gardner with:
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?" ~
is a poem to a lad's rather seemly chum.

Scott Gardner with:
William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet =
Her winsome mate killed a jealous Paris!

Scott Gardner with:
Ian Fleming's Casino Royale =
A million fans' eyes on Craig.

Meyran Kraus with:
The new Bond, Daniel Craig =
Wince: "Blond-haired agent?!"

Meyran Kraus with:
Hitler's old treatise 'Mein Kampf' =
Imparted the killer's manifesto.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Kissing Bandit =
It isn't bed-shaking.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare =
The jealous libido makes war in mere play

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Michael Sheen as Tony Blair =
Can I seem a silly bane to HRH?

Michael with:
Tony Bennett's deft "I Left My Heart In San Francisco" =
"I Left my Farts in San Fernando" by The Ten Tectonics

Paul Pan with:
Adolf Hitler's manifesto "Mein Kampf" =
Trim skin off female into lampshade.

Rosie Perera with:
The movie "It's a Wonderful Life" =
We valued one hit forties film.

Rosie Perera with:
Adolf Hitler's manifesto "Mein Kampf" =
Pale misfit inks memo of Fatherland.

Rosie Perera with:
The World is Flat by Thomas L. Friedman =
Thrilled! Saw half its end from my boat!


1st - David Bourke with:
The KGB's former agent Alexander Litvinenko =
Kremlin revenge: Toxin breakfast, long death.

2nd - Andrew Brehaut with:
The US Congress now belongs to the Democrats =
So, Bush's wretched gang lost one more contest!

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
Saddam Hussein sentenced to death by hanging =
Oddest thing! Such a nasty man needs beheading!

David Bourke with:
The American mid-term election results =
Them Democrats eliminate cretin's rule!

Tony Crafter with:
The declining standard of Britain's hospitals =
Pits! Dirt, filth, no beds. NHS? A national disgrace!

Andrew Brehaut with:
The Wedding of Tom and Katie =
Heading: "Famed Two Tied Knot"

Andrew Brehaut with:
Poms lose Ashes Test in an absolute thrashing =
The Australians stop so-so English batsmen, eh?

Dan Fortier with:
Man hurt as killer whale attacks=
Shamu tRick Rothstein at tank was real hell!

Scott Gardner with:
A mid-term election =
Democrat? I let 'em in!

Scott Gardner with:
The Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi =
Ooh, she's happy after keen US election!

Meyran Kraus with:
Michael Richards made anti-black remarks on stage =
Kramer's a damn hack! He tried Mel Gibson's racial act!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Iraq Study Group ~
gasped "Hurry to quit!"

Michael with:
The legacy of the United States of America: =
Create Islamic foes that fete young death.

Rosie Perera with:
Daniel Ortega wins the Nicaragua presidency =
Creepy Sandinista could get war in here again.

Rosie Perera with:
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld resigns =
Iron staffer's legacy of endless murders ended.

Rosie Perera with:
Mexico president-elect, Felipe Calderón =
See, I'll replace incompetent decider Fox.

Rosie Perera with:
Mom convicted in baby's microwave death =
Boy became oven victim. Damn, how drastic!

Rosie Perera with:
The Advent seasons =
Attend Son (He saves).

Rosie Perera with:
The US-supported Iraqi government =
Vanquish terror? Nope! I get stumped.

Hans-Peter Reich with:
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline =
Final break is presented in very end.

Rocher-docher with:
O Turkey season! =
Eat & you snores, k?

Don Rogers with:
Cheney spends Election Day hunting in South Dakota =
Thought, "Is any Independent in season today? (Chuckle!)"

Don Rogers with:
Cheney spends Election Day hunting in South Dakota =
I thought, "Any Independents in season today? (Chuckle!)"

View with:
Forty four year old Bo Stefan Eriksson =
Okay, 'buffoon' destroys stolen Ferrari.

View with:
Ehud Olmert reaches out to Palestinians =
Ruler has hinted solution to M. East peace.


1st - Rosie Perera with:
United States President George W. Bush =
Unwise, desperate. Bet he's trusting God!

2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Alfred Binet =

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Evander 'The Real Deal' Holyfield and Mike Tyson =
A lethal-handed evil-one kind of restyled my ear!

David Bourke with:
Earl White =

David Bourke with:
The Dead Or Alive singer Pete Burns =
Gender-bender is up the lavatories!

Andrew Brehaut with:
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher =
Amorous mother enchanted kid.

Andrew Brehaut with:
The Speaker of the House Ms Nancy Pelosi =
They chose this female snake on purpose!

Andrew Brehaut with:
The Germanic Fuhrer Adolf Hitler =
'General' from hateful Third Reich.

Andrew Brehaut with:
The successful movie director Robert Altman =
I centre clever film about M.A.S.H.'s true doctors.

Tony Crafter with:
Ramsay MacDonald =
A scary old madman!

Dave in L.A. with:
Rep. Mark Foley =
Perky for male.

Dave in L.A. with:
Albert Pujols =
Just be All-Pro.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Felipe de Jesus Calderon Hinojosa =
Old hisser feeds on jalapeno juice

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Steve Harmison =
The man is overs

Paul Pan with:
A shapely sixteen -year-old =
Aye, he panders sexy Lolita!

Paul Pan with:
Barack Hussein Obama, Jr. =
Job: I am a Bush ransacker.

Rosie Perera with:
Daniel Ortega ~
noted Algeria.

Rosie Perera with:
A nerve toxin killed an ~
Alexander Litvinenko.

Rosie Perera with:
Felipe de Jesus Calderon Hinojosa =
Jealous leadership fiend. Cojones!

Rick Rothstein with:
The comedian Michael "Kramer" Richards =
Catch horrid remarks he made in malice.

View with:
General Augusto Jose Ramon Pinochet Ugarte ~
generates pogrom, outrageous Chilean junta.


1st - Rick Rothstein with:
Talking Jesus dolls... ~
It's all godless junk.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A McDonald's Restaurant =
Damn lardass at counter!

3rd - Richard Grantham with:
The London Lunatic Asylum =
Loud hell. (May contain nuts.)

David Bourke with:
The Alliance of Sodomy Supporters =
Costly Preparation-H seldom of use!

David Bourke with:
Sussex Gardens, Paddington =
Pas de deuxs...and no G-strings!

Larry Brash with:
The Nigerian Advanced Fee Fraud Scam =
A daft African revenue-adding scheme.

Andrew Brehaut with:
The City of New York =
They know ferocity.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Our kids crave ~
Vodka Cruiser.

Andrew Brehaut with:
The Australian Broadcasting Commission =
Music station has modern Aboriginal acts.

Andrew Brehaut with:
The Cunard Lines =
Cruise then land.

Tony Crafter with:
Belief in Satanism =
A lesbian feminist?

Tony Crafter with:
The Charles de Gaulle Airport, France =
Called this after our crap General, eh?

Tony Crafter with:
The Disneyland Theme Park Resort, California =
Top-rank children's fairy-tales dominate here

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Great hits zap ~
The Gaza Strip.

Michael with:
The Rumsfeld Pentagon =
The darn Temple of Guns.

Rosie Perera with:
The duty-free shop in the London Airport =
Spend fortune there on hot holiday trip.

Rosie Perera with:
The Cunard Lines =
I launch tenders.

Rosie Perera with:
Friendly's Ice Cream Shoppe =
Nice cold frappe here, Missy.

Rosie Perera with:
Suwa's Sushi Bar, California =
Basic raw fish & nori, as usual.

Rosie Perera with:
The Islamic Repubic of Iran ‡
O, their incurable pacifism!

Christopher Sturdy with:
The friendsreunited website =
Few interestin' buddies there.

View with:
Middle Eastern nations =
Nested in mad relations.

View with:
Gaellivare =
Er...a village.


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan =
An abnormal foreign kook realizing the brutal, racist nature of some fanatic USA folk.

2nd - Rosie Perera with:
"As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time." - Donald Rumsfeld =
To withdraw? Why? You mount a war with the most mad, arrogant, faulty leaders you have, not ones you may or might like to have.

3rd - Andrew Brehaut with:
One hundred icebergs are floating towards the mainland of New Zealand ~
and behold, we great Maoris found a new large frozen land in the distance.

David Bourke with:
The former Lebanese Industry Minister, the late Pierre Amin Gemayel =
Fire! The Grim Reaper's one steel bullet terminated him, a Syrian enemy.

David Bourke with:
A human/cow hybrid embryo is planned by a scientist from the University of Newcastle =
A very funny cutesy baby? Oh no...its father's Prince William, its mother's Ann Widdecombe!

Larry Brash with:
"In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes." - Andy Warhol =
Untrue! We see for that Bush only a new life of unlimited infamy... forever.

Tony Crafter with:
"We have to work with Nigeria. That's an important continent." (George W. Bush) =
"A wit? No, a twit! We work on Bush as path to get rich!" (The Nigerian Government)

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior =
Dry, acerbic tome extracts humor seen in gracious living

Michael with:
Rhett Butler to Scarlet O'Hara: “Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.” =
Bored, she craved that tall, married, taut, grey-infantryman look.

Michael with:
The song "This Land is Your Land" -- Woody Guthrie's acclaimed folk-anthem. =
Dog stench, my lad! Try "This land was OUR indigenous home." -- Chief Tall Oak

Michael with:
Meyran Kraus' "Best of the Rest" archive-of-anagrams site =
Sage master out-ranks others' fair achievements by far!

Rosie Perera with:
"If you don't [study hard], you get stuck in Iraq. - John Forbes Kerry =
I try risky joke, botch it, hurt you, offended squadron. U.S. angry.

Neil Ramsay with:
The President of the National Association of Evangelicals =
Theologian poof denies "anti-christian" love-acts. Flee Satan!


1st - Larry Brash with:
George W. Bush meets with Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II of England.

He asks her,
"Your Majesty, how is it that you run such a very efficient slick government? Are there any clues to this that you can offer me?"

"Well," says the Queen,
"Above all, the most important thing is to do this: surround yourself with very intelligent efficient people."

Bush looks concerned.
"So, how could I know the people around me are so clever and intelligent?"

The Queen takes a little sip from her cup of tea.
"Oh, this is very simple. Let me explain it. You simply ask them to answer an intelligence test. Do listen to this".

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom.
"Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony.
Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Of course, that would be me."

"Yes! Very good, well done." says the Queen.


At the White House, Bush talks with Vice President Cheney.
"Answer this one for me, deputy. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother, not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not quite sure, Mr President," says the Vice President. "Just let me make some enquiries for you about that one."

Cheney goes to his many polite youthful underlings to enquire of all twenty of them, but none are able to give him an intelligent answer.

Finally, a week later, he goes in a men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Cheney yells out, "Would you please answer something for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell yells back , "That's funny! Quite simple: It's me!"

Cheney replies."Gee, great work, pal!"

In the Oval Office he talks with Bush.
"Okay, I've done you some research and here's the eloquent answer to the question. It's my judgement that it is Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over, and yells into his face,

"No! It's Tony Blair!"

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A young man called Chuck invited his mother over for dinner.

During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome Chuck's flatmate, Simon, was. She'd long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, whilst watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there really was more between Chuck and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mother's thoughts, Chuck volunteered, "Yes, I know what you're thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates."

About a week later, Simon said to Chuck, "Ever since your mother came, I haven't been able to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"

"I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure," said Chuck. So he mailed:


Some days later, an email came from his mother, which said:

Lesson of the day:


With only Clingfilm shorts on, the man went to his shrink, who said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't see any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. I think a strong currant drew him in.

Telephone answer-machine: "... If you want to buy marijuana, push the hash key now ..."

A man came round in hospital after an accident. "I can't feel my legs!" he shouted.
"No, I know that," replied the surgeon, "I've cut both your arms off".

A man went to the doc with a strawberry birthmark on his bum. The doc said, "Fine, I'll give you some cream to put on that."

"Doc, I can't stop humming 'The Green Green Grass of Home'. Eerie, huh"
"No, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Uh? Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed," he said, "Can you do anything for him?"
"Let me have a look at him then," said the vet. He picked the dog up and tested his eyes, then teeth. Finally, the vet said, "I'll have to put him down."
"What, because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's effin' heavy"

I was getting in my car, and a bloke said, "Can you give me a lift?"
I said, "Sure - It's summer! Be uninhibited! You look fine! The world's your oyster! Go for it!'

A man walked into the docs. "I've hurt my arm in several places," he said.
"Then don't go there any more," huffed the doc.

3rd - Andrew Brehaut with:
His Holiness Pope John Paul died and, naturally, was delivered upstairs to heaven. He was greeted by Saint Peter and his reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour of the place, was told that he could enjoy any of the wealth of recreations available to him.

The Pope decided that he would like to examine all of the early versions of the Holy Scriptures. He spent the next thousand years focusing on learning each of the dead languages. After he had become a linguistics master, he sat down in the library and began to pore over every possible version of the Bible, working in reverse from the most recent "Dummies Guide" version to the original Jewish script.

All of a sudden, the Pope screamed out extremely loudly. The angels came running to him from throughout the area to discover the Pope huddled in the corner, crying and muttering to himself, "The letter 'R'! Those damn fools left out the 'R'”.

God took him aside and asked him what his problem was. After collecting his thoughts, the Pope sniffled again, "It's the letter 'R'... the damn word was supposed to be CELEBRATE."


The Pope had just commenced a tour of Washington and was taking a new limousine from the airport. As he'd never been allowed to drive an extravagant limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive. The chauffeur pulled over, climbed into the back seat, and the Pope grabbed the steering wheel. He started merging onto the state highway and accelerated to see just how fast the limo could go.

Suddenly, he noticed the flashing blue lights of a police car in his rear mirror and sullenly pulled over. The trooper strolled up to the limo, stared into the tinted window, then said, "Just a moment, sir, it is necessary to call you into my boss."

The trooper called in and stressed to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for going way too fast.

"Is it a governor?" asked his boss.

"No! More important," he explained.

"George Bush?" prompted the stressed sheriff.

"No! Tons more important!" he answered eagerly.

"Well, who the hell is it exactly?" needled the angry chief.

"I have no idea who it is," he finally replied "but he must be important, he's got His Eminence, the Pope as a chauffeur."

Andrew Brehaut with:
A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a fishing rod and reel set for her husband. She doesn't know which one of the sets she should get, so she finally walks over to the cash register. There's a K-Mart customer service representative standing there wearing his sunglasses.

The woman says, "Excuse me kind sir... can you tell me anything about this fishing rod and reel set, please?"

He says, "Madam, I am completely blind, but if you'll drop them all on the counter I know I can tell everything about it."

She doesn't believe him, but does drop it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 5' 5” deluxe graphite rod with a Zebco 3022 reel and 25 pound test line. It is the definitive rod and reel package, and it is all on sale for a cheap $20.00"

She says, "It's incredible that you can tell all of that just by the sounds of it dropping on the counter."


She goes on, "I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it before it goes."

He rounds the counter to pack it.

Opening her purse, one of her credit card falls on the floor of the shop.

The blind man says, "That sounded like a Visa card."

"Heavens, that's exceptional listening" the woman replies courteously.

She then bends down to get her card and does a huge fart. At first, she's very embarrassed but then realizes there's no way he'd find out it was her because, being visually impaired, he couldn't know she was the only individual to be in the shop.

The man completes ringing up the rod and reel and says sincerely, "Excellent, that will be $25.50"

The lady attempts to argue, "But you just said it was only going to entail an even $20?"

"Yes ma'am," the man says, "our rod set is $20, the duck caller is $3 more, and the smelly catfish bait is $2.50!"

Tony Crafter with:
"I feel really guilty having to put my name on my songs, because I write them, compose them and score them, but it's really the work of God." (Michael Jackson)


"I feel very grumpy about those accusations of me molesting kids. Man, they are wholly moronic. Anyhow, the little buggers tempted me!" (Michael Jackson)

Michael with:
John Kerry, in a deep sleep, blithely mutters a self-evident truth regarding smart students and the Iraq mess. GOP team quickly deplores his tacky values as an odious insult to US soldiers and the welfare of their anxious families.


To void his ardent, unsettling prose and foil his sick, petty foes' self-righteous, sneered-in-shit moralist hatred, JK, unvexed, mildly quips: "Please, in the future, you should take my Iraq-war related utterances as blameless Anagrams."

Paul Pan with:
The NME Cool List Top Ten:

1 Beth Ditto, The Gossip
2 Faris Rotter, The Horrors
3 Lily Allen
4 Jarvis Cocker
5 Karen O, Yeah Yeah Yeahs
6 Kieren Webster, The View
7 Kate Jackson, The Long Blondes
8 Gerard Way, My Chemical Romance
9 Thom Yorke, Radiohead
10 Lovefoxxx, CSS


Phalanx of the ten coolest Anagrammy athletes:

1 Andrew Brehaut - Novel!
2 Chris: So lexical!
3 David B: Wicked hoe, he :)
4 Larry: Shrink
5 M. Mesterton-Gibbons: Too stately!
6 Meyran Kraus Oy vey! Kosher lox!
7 Richard G: Elite!
8 Rick Rothstein: he-he! (joke)
9 Rosie Perera: She hot!
10 Tony Crafter: Jocose twat ;)

Rosie Perera with:
"[George W. Bush] will be known as the man who stood up to Islamic fundamentalism being used to tyrannize their own people, so that in another hundred years, in the Islamic world, he'll be viewed as a great liberator." - Pastor Ted Haggard.


I preached against unnatural acts, see? Then I bought methamphetamine, hired and slept with a beloved well-worn male prostitute. So in another short year, if word gets round globe, I'll be known worldwide as a gay-bashing sodomizer.

Rosie Perera with:
Candice was on her way home from the office when she saw an old sleepy-faced Dutch woman hunched over, walking on the side of the road as she slouched across the deep autumn puddles. She clutched, stopped the car and asked her if she would like a ride. The needy old woman nodded heartily and promptly got into the car.
Candice tried in vain to make small talk but the lonely woman just sat there quietly, independently.
Then she suddenly noticed a dull unheeded brown bag on the seat. "What's in the bag, eh?" she inquired.
Candice replied, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The woman replied, "Good trade!"


An attractive blonde arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped off, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."


1st - Andrew Brehaut with:
A Recipe for Eggs Benedict


4 egg yolks
3.5 tablespoons lemon juice
A pinch ground white pepper
0.125 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon of water
1 cup butter, melted
1.25 teaspoon salt
8 white eggs
1 tspn distilled white vinegar
8 strips of Canadian-style bacon
4 English muffins, split
2 tablespoons of softened butter


To Make Hollandaise Sauce:

1. Fill the bottom of a double boiler part-way with water. Make sure that the water does not touch the top pan.
2. Bring water to a gentle simmer.
3. In the top of a double boiler, whisk together all egg yolks, lemon juice, white pepper, Worcestershire sauce, and one tablespoon water.
4. Add in the melted butter to an egg yolk mixture 1 or 2 tablespoons at a time while whisking yolks constantly. If hollandaise begins to get too thick, then add on a teaspoon or two of hot water.
5. Continue whisking until all of the butter is incorporated in the mix.
6. Whisk in the salt, then remove from heat.
7. Place a lid on pan to keep sauce warm.
8. Preheat oven on broiler setting.

To Poach Eggs:

8. Fill a large saucepan with 3 inches of water.
9. Bring water to a gentle simmer, then add vinegar.
10. Carefully break eggs into simmering water, and allow to cook for 2 1/2 to 3 minutes. Yolks should still be soft in center.
11. Remove eggs from water with a slotted spoon and set on a warm plate .
12. While eggs are poaching, brown the bacon in a medium skillet over medium-high heat and toast the English muffins on a baking sheet under the broiler.
13. Spread toasted muffins with a line of softened melted butter, and top each one with a slice of bacon, followed by one poached egg.
14. Place 2 muffins on each plate and drizzle with hollandaise sauce.
15. Sprinkle with chopped chives and serve immediately.


Recipe for Disaster from Andrew Brehaut's Cookbook


1 US President
1 Pathetic British Hobgoblin
1 Little Australian Whippet
1 Saudi Child
2 Towers
4 United Airlines Planes
1 Fundamental Political Group
1 War Torn Nation
1 Oil Rich Nation
123 458 US Personnel
60 111 580 Unsuspecting Civilians


To make super power:

1. Make two towers promoting values of hedonism to the world.
2. Elect to the Whitehouse a hotheaded madman whose famed feeble cowboy dad was pathetic.
3. Make sure he has a southern drawl and intelligence way less than a sock.
4. Add huge shot of 'short man syndrome".

To make Islamic Fundamentalist:

5. Raise newborn Saudi child.
6. Reject from rich family.
7. Transfer child to war torn nation.
8. Teach radical ideologies of the Koran on the way.
9. Allow teenage fellow to grow into western hating Muslim.

Creating the Conflict:

10. Get grown fundamentalist to coach young pledgees to be extreme Anglophobes.
11. Emigrate these foreign pledgees to Boston.
12. Let excitable pledgees integrate into US society.
13. Get pledgees to flight lessons.
14. Somehow get on and hijack United Airline flights.
15. Blow up awesome landmarks with the planes.

Starting the apocalypse:

16. Write emotive keynote speech with thoughts of revenge for the president.
17. Piggyback bedfellows (hobgoblin and whippet) to battle.
18. Release 123 458 "peacekeeping" troops to seize outmatched nation that happens to have bankrupt Muslim government.
19. Bomb thousands of weak gentle people.
20. Engineer transfer of awful blooDavid Bourkeath to overpopulated oil rich country.
21. Repeat bombing of thousands of weak gentle people.
22. Keep fighting non-winnable battle.

It is foreseeable that this battle will break Vietnam's record as the craziest war of all time.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Christina Rossetti's 'Listening' anagrammed into 3 poems.

eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Maggie May

eq3rd - David Bourke with:

A pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is walking the streets of Soho. In Dean Street he sees a cocktail bar with a sign saying: 'Jazz pianist wanted'.

"Fucking hell, get in there, you cunt!" he says to himself, and enters. "Get the fucking manager of this turdhole, you bollockbrained cocksucking cunt!" he says to the barman, who obliges, and the manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you?" he says to the pianist. "Yes you can, you fat piece of shit! I saw your poxy ad in the cunting window and I'm here to audition. Bloody tosser!"

The manager is put off by the man's rather discourteous manner, but his urgent need for a pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune is a very uplifting jazzy number, and at the end, the barman says "Wonderful! What's that one called?"

"That's called Excuse Me Sir But I Just Jizzed In Your Wife's Eye".

"Oh! Very well..." says the manager "Can you play something a little less lively?"

"Motherfucking twat!" says the pianist to himself, under his breath, before playing a ballad which leaves the manager in tears, as he asks him the title.

"That one's When You Do A Bird Up The Shitbox You'll Get Crap On Your Nob-End".

"I see..." says the manager, "And, you have any songs with less offensive titles?"

"Well, you stupid cunting prick...", he says, "there's always my mellow jazz number "Do You Want Me To Split Your Ringpiece?"...or even "I Don't Fucking Care If You're Sixty, You've Still Got Very Nice Jugs, Grandmother".

"Look..." says the manager, "You're a superb pianist, but your titles are a bit racy. I'll hire you on one condition...that you don't introduce your songs, and don't speak to the audience at all".

"Oh fuck it..." says the pianist, "Why not!".

The first night, everything is going superbly, and all the crowd are lapping up his repertoire. The only thing putting the pianist off is a quite utterly gorgeous blonde lady in a little black evening dress with a split up the side, revealing the top of her silk stockings, and a plunging neckline showing all her ample cleavage. At the break, the pianist has such a stonking hard-on that he goes to the john and knocks one out. Just as he comes, he hears himself being re-introduced, and so rushes back and finishes his set.

After the show the blonde comes over. "Hi!"' she says. "Hello" he replies...and she whispers in his ear "Do you know your cock is hanging out and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"

"Know it...?", he says, "I fucking wrote it!"


Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in China, in Shanghai, and the place is just packed to the rafters. He plays 'Part Time Lover' and 'Ebony And Ivory', but to only lukewarm, awkward applause. In a bid to break the ice, the soul legend asks if anyone has a request. One Chinese fellow jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice: "You play a jazz chord!"

Shocked that this guy knew about the Fifties/early Sixties influences in his career, the blind musician nods, and starts, with gentle keystrokes, to play a sweeping E-minor scale on the piano with a moody, ethereal fretless bass accompaniment, then subtly swaying, goes into a beguiling, bluesy Ray Charles- style melody for about ten deliriously intense minutes, interspersing it with abstract reggae-tinged harmonic counterpoint, unusually-intricate myxolydian scales, excerpts from 'Songs In The Key Of Life', 'Talking Book', etc. When he finishes, the whole place goes wild. However, when the thunderous applause dies down, the Chinese chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts: "No no! You play a jazz chord!"

A little bit cheesed-off by this time, but being the true professional entertainer that you know he is, our sightless genius and his superb band dive straight into a staggeringly difficult, free-form improvisation with Stevie on the harmonica, based around 'Superstition' in the B-flat diminished-seventh chord, gradually segueing into 'Uptight (Everything's Alright)' and other chart- topping tunes from his back-catalogue such as 'Masterblaster', a tender 'My Cherie Amour', a keen 'Living For The City', and a raucous, boneshaking 'Sir Duke' on his huge Yamaha synthesiser...and Stevie really tears the place apart, the multi-coloured beads in his hair swinging around in the spotlight.

The exuberant crowd go bonkers again, but still the little Chinese guy jumps up yet again and shouts, more frantically now, "No no no! You play a jazz chord!"

By now, Stevie's utterly hacked-off, and cantankerously shouts "Hey you! Misstra Know-It-All! Enough's enough, OK! Why don't you get right up here and show me how to do it better yourself, you annoying little slanty- eyed yellow-skinned chinky monkey?"

"Sure!" says the Chinese guy. He gets up onto the stage, takes the microphone, and says "No, rook! Rike this, you see...", then starts singing:

"...a jazz chord, to say, I ruv you..."

Rosie Perera with:
The Altar


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Penis enhancement surgeries =
See puniest men garner inches.

2nd - Don Rogers with:
Colorectal blockages =
Collect a sore backlog.

3rd - Sir T. Aucscua with:
All test my asshole =
Totally shameless.

Andrew Brehaut with:
The anal insert =
An eternal shit.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Cute skunk firings ~
sure fucking stink!

Tony Crafter with:
The dramatist Oscar Wilde =
Wordsmith is a rectal date.

Tony Crafter with:
Same-sex couples =
Some excel up ass!

Michael with:
"Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" - by The Andrew Brehauts Sisters =
"Boobie Woogie Bugger's Toy" - by The Swindle Arses!

Paul Pan with:
Feltching =
Clit nfg, eh?

Don Rogers with:
The "WonderJock" from Aussiebum ~
hawked Jumbo's form to insecure.

Rick Rothstein with:
Insert one's sperm into a cunt =
Semen in coitus partner. Tons!

Rick Rothstein with:
"Over the Rainbow" =
O! New vibrator, eh?

View with:
No fucking good =
Cooking of dung.

The Anagrammy Awards