AUGUST 2010 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2010

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Rik Sengupta with:
What in god's name ~
was the man doing?

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Define the world in a thesis? =
Life is short and then we die.

3rd - New Kid with:
True happiness =
It sure happens.

Adie Pena with:
Computer hacker =
A PC mother*ucker.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Medicinal plants =
Means dill, catnip.

Adie Pena with:
Isolation ‡
I ain't solo.

Meyran Kraus with:
Hateless friend ‡
Heartless fiend.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Disobedience =
Diocese, in bed.

Tony Crafter with:
Scented aromatherapy candles ~
can secretly add an atmosphere.

Adie Pena with:
"Salt and pepper hair" =
Part denial perhaps?

David Bourke with:
The Powers That Be =
Hebrews at the top.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Old-fashioned lemonade stand =
Hit of season, ladled on demand.

Rosie Perera with:
An in vitro fertilization =
I trivialize infant...or not.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Diplomatic relations =
It's political, and more.

Rik Sengupta with:
The trombones ~
boom, then rest.

View with:
Congeals =
So, can gel!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Wind generators ~
tower in gardens.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Lions and tigers =
Snarl, digestion.

Rik Sengupta with:
Right queen =
queer thing.

Neil Ramsay with:
Nuclear weaponry =
Any power can rule.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Mountain bicycles ~
suit any cone climb.

Rik Sengupta with:
English weather =
Lashing wet here.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Clandestine operations ~
learned to contain spies.

Rik Sengupta with:
Ten, with one =
Nine + the two.

Ellie Dent with:
Must grow ~
Mugworts.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Enchanted? =
Then dance!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Spinsterhood =
Sirs? Don't hope!

Adie Pena with:
Bar of Dial soap ~
rids a pal of a B.O.

Ivan Andonov with:
Clandestine chemistry =
End is nice crystal meth.

Rik Sengupta with:
Damsel in distress =
Mindless disaster?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Federal income tax audit =
Court examined data file.

Christopher Sturdy with:
A pair of trousers (England) =
I read are 'long pants' for US.

Adie Pena with:
Ah, runner's ideal ~
adrenaline rush!

Rosie Perera with:
A total eclipse of the moon =
Neat photos of time, locale.

Rik Sengupta with:
Troll language =
lol r u a gent/gal?

Larry Brash with:
Psychopharmacology =
Gloom, cry, chaos... Happy!

Tom Myers with:
Amoebic dysentery =
Nasty microbe eyed.

Larry Brash with:
Unsubstantiated claims =
I am stunned it's actual BS!

David Bourke with:
Uncalled-for rudeness =
Foul, censured slander.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
RNA nucleotidyltransferases =
Senior lecturer's fantasyland.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Canned studio audience =
an uneducated decision.


THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
Claude Monet's 'Impression: Sunrise' =
It seems sun and colours inspire me.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Mona Lisa in the Louvre, Paris =
Oh, she's a true marvel in oil paint!

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
World of Anagrams by Zoran Radisavljevic =
A major canvassing of old verbal wizardry.

Tony Crafter with:
The regional amateur Latin dancing competitors =
An ace partner led a hot girl in time to tango music!

View with:
'Dracula' by Bram Stoker =
Dark or subtly macabre.

Adie Pena with:
Aphrodite of Milos [or the "Venus de Milo"] =
Idiot hopes arms of model in the Louvre!

Rosie Perera with:
The Lonely Goatherd =
Hero, yodel at length!

Scott Gardner with:
Claude Monet, "Impression, Soleil Levant" =
Millions to love sun-laden masterpiece.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare =
Beware as jackals lie, easily usurp him.

Scott Gardner with:
Claude Monet, "Impression, Soleil Levant" =
Neat old "sun" masterpiece millions love.

Scott Gardner with:
Van Gogh, "Wheatfield with Crows" =
We watch overshadowing flight.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Mona Lisa" by Leonardo da Vinci =
Ah, innocently avoid a broad smile.

Scott Gardner with:
Peter Paul Rubens's "Venus at the Mirror" =
Primper au naturel stuns the observer.

Ivan Andonov with:
A very labile teen on ~
'Leave Britney Alone'

Tony Crafter with:
The movie Captain Corelli's Mandolin =
Romantic love set in mid Cephallonia.

Scott Gardner with:
The Taiwanese film "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" =
Ang Lee'd direct two-hour fighting drama in Chinese.

Scott Gardner with:
"Winged Victory of Samothrace" sculpture =
Gets capacity crowds in the Louvre forum.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Treasure Island" by Robert Louis Stevenson =
Story is overture to landlubbers, in a sense.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The film "Coco Chanel and Igor Stravinsky" =
Lovely historic frocks and cheating man.

Don Rogers with:
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid =
Shy in cash at end, buddies can't duck!

Andrew Brehaut with:
Top Gear with host Jeremy Clarkson =
Wealthy jerk promoting those cars.

Meyran Kraus with:
'Twilight' novel series =
Girlish 'tweens' love it!

David Bourke with:
Pakistani cricketers ~
in practice, take risks.


THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Neil Ramsay with:
Pope said religion had ~
organised pedophilia.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A collapsed mine =
One dismal place!

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
The trapped thirty-odd Chilean miners =
It's hot, dirty and cramped in there...HELP!

View with:
Senate Confirms Kagan to Supreme Court =
No true arguments, no fear. OK, accept miss!

View with:
The China landslide =
Nice hills and Death.

Adie Pena with:
The landslides in China =
I scanned death in hills.

Adie Pena with:
Opinion: Recreational pot's fine in ~
California Proposition Nineteen.

Tony Crafter with:
Peter Crouch and Abigail Clancy =
A celebrity coupling. An arch cad!

Rosie Perera with:
The profane JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater =
Just stole the beer and left that plane after venting!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"Barack Obama is the worst president in history" =
Boss is beset with honor attacker in primary ad.

Meyran Kraus with:
Obama seems deterred by huge ratings decline =
"I'd grab some beer and use that emergency slide!"

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"Estamos bien, en el refugio, los 33" =
No miner eulogies: Lost 33 be safe!

Rosie Perera with:
The so-called "Ground Zero Mosque" =
Some God-quarrel clouds the zone!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Henson's wife gave original Kermit to Smithsonian =
What an emotional vision! I miss the green-skin frog!

Andrew Brehaut with:
Its falling apart at the seams =
This parliament's fatal stage.

View with:
Eggs from Iowa farms could come to a table near you =
Omelet food-bug's long way from America to a saucer.

Ivan Andonov with:
Fires teasin' around ~
Russian Federation.

Tony Crafter with:
Those Chilean miners =
Tons lie here in chasm.

Meyran Kraus with:
The collapsed Chilean mine =
Ethnic males placed in hole.

Tony Crafter with:
We're approaching a 'double-dip' recession. =
i.e:
Up (bear)
Down (panic)
Rise (glee!)
Drop (chaos)

Tom Myers with:
The United States of America's political process =
A forum is set to elect a socialist chap President.


THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Neil Ramsay with:
Springsteen =
Spent singer.

2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Hans Christian Andersen =
Danish sir's an enchanter.

3rd - Rik Sengupta with:
Frank Sinatra =
Rank first, an "A"!

Rosie Perera with:
Chelsea Clinton Mezvinsky =
NY: "She's nice. Clink! Mazel Tov!"

Adie Pena with:
Chairman Mao Tse-Tung =
A great communist Han.

View with:
Mahatma Gandhi =
A man had a might.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Heraclitus the Obscure =
Teacher is such trouble.

Adie Pena with:
The pornographic movie actress Marilyn Chambers =
Chaps remember that nice girl's charm on Ivory Soap.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Penny Lancaster and Rod Stewart =
An older trend star can yet spawn.

David Bourke with:
Audrina Patridge ~
undid a great pair!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Hans Christian Andersen, author of "The Snow Queen" =
He can fashion a quest around northern whiteness.

Scott Gardner with:
The television producer Simon Cowell =
He will curse even competitors on Idol.

Tony Crafter with:
Stars Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones =
Jeez! Throat cancer's diagnosis haunts lead male.

Ellie Dent with:
Dickens haunted ~
The Sundance Kid.

David Bourke with:
The actress Susan Penhaligon =
Patent as such an English rose.

Meyran Kraus with:
B.H. Obama, the current US president =
I'm a better person than crude Bush!

Ivan Andonov with:
Alphonse Gabriel 'Al' Capone ~
ails on one palpable charge.


THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
National Geographic Magazine =
Going to an amazing place, I hear!

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Positano, Italy =
Oily antipasto!

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Rational Dress Society =
I resist the corset on a lady.

Rosie Perera with:
Apple, Incorporated =
Not a proper ideal PC.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Finnish Sauna Society ~
says fun is in nice hot heat.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Mountain Standard Time Zone =
Amendment: DST out in Arizona!

View with:
Brat still eatin' ~
Ritalin tablets.

Adie Pena with:
Big Ben, the Houses of Parliament, London, England =
Nation heard planned bongs of huge bells on time.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The Undisputed World Heavyweight Champion. =
Twelve rounds hope aided with a mighty punch.

Adie Pena with:
The Mazda Three =
Meet the hazard.

Rik Sengupta with:
Appassionata =
As a piano taps.

Ivan Andonov with:
In need of Nokia piles, mail ~
Keilaniemi, Espoo, Finland.

Rick Rothstein with:
The Obama Administration =
I'm that idea man (brains too).

Ellie with:
The Elemis Facials =
Smile... it heals face!


THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A highly ruthless remark of a lad to a lady in a very good film ('Gone With The Wind'): =
"Rhett! If you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?"
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

2nd - Adie Pena with:
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs:
1. Self-Actualization
2. Esteem
3. Love and Belonging
4. Safety Needs
5. Physiological Needs =
Man's Lifestyle Needs:
1. Gee, a Wife!
2. Lunch/Dinner Dates
3. Glasses of Alcohol
4. Playboy Magazine's Hot Videos
5. Erection

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Chelsea Clinton's bridal gown is most sumptuous! I see that it's a present from her daddy. =
Amen! Proud day, chic gesture. It's not the first time Bill's splashed out on a woman's dress.

Adie Pena with:
Marc Mezvinsky marries Chelsea Victoria Clinton today =
Nosy moral American citizens love very dramatic kitsch.

Rosie Perera with:
"There is more to life than increasing its speed." Mahatma Gandhi =
I maintain that less haste in the mad herd is forging more peace.

Dharam Khalsa with:
R. Pirsig's "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" =
Frenzied man concentrates on metaphysical or grit.

Ellie Dent with:
"When summer gathers up her robes of glory, and like a dream of beauty glides away." Sarah Helen Power Whitman. =
Oh, warmth and sweet perfume; animals play, gorgeous amber hues, the hedgerow berry. I know rainy Fall's ahead.

David Bourke with:
The Mick Tully Memorial Award for the Most Consistent Anagrammatist of the Year =
Let's commemorate him...to a friend at rest, tragically taken away from us this month.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The extraordinary lengths some people go to to overcome an addiction =
Trapped in a gold mine, no cigars...?
Aye, so three month detox!
Too, too clever!

David Bourke with:
Wendy Lewis of Blackpool in Lancashire - "The Most Disgusting Woman in Great Britain" =
Dunce was distinctly shown pissing on a war memorial, then after it, obliging a bloke!

Larry Brash with:
Journal of the Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Psychiatrists =
Why has it an annoying article on Prozac, just full of real old data releases?


THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors."
President Barack Obama =
The Future of Barack

When I became the president, Bush sure left for me:

 Five Oil rigs fishy,
 Four Bankers crazy,
Three Auto brands costly
  Two Mideast battles bloody
  And A busted economy!


2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors."
President Barack Obama =
"What a year it's been running our US! The Libyan bomber stuff; the effect of BP's leak; our destabilized economy; wars; cutbacks; terrorism; the odd locust...
My beloved forefathers had it easy!"

3rd - Neil Ramsay with:
"My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors."
President Barack Obama =
Ford informed the FBI,
Carter's cold war fed them lies.

Reagan's shot was a furtive act,
Bush's Storm - an oily pact.

Frisky Clinton - rub a dub dub,
Then they set free Beelzebub!

Aye, you seem OK too...

Larry Brash with:
I'm so glad that crazy loser Bush fucked off. Any bastard must be a fabulous improvement on the last indiscrete brewery toy-boy. The new dude has been a terrific chief; looks better for US.

Dharam Khalsa with: After a cerebral debate, but years before my solemnized oath, busy-bee life and bloodthirsty obstructors,
check out my off-the-cuff remark, "What Washington needs is adult supervision!"

Adie Pena with:
Because the fifty states' so stuffy Republicans couldn't care to offer a needed break to somebody who inherited all the dirty bunkum from that very brainless boozer: America's G. W. Bush.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
President Barack Obama =
"Severely frustrated by a Republican system whose dumbheads act stubborn to thus block key reforms, I often wish you had elected that feeble geriatric buffoon from Arizona instead."

Larry Brash with:
President Barack Obama =
Chart a course for the United States of America.
He does it:
by better business/work stuff,
by faster government,
by key economic bills,
by health reform update and subdue oil flow hazard.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Brazen bureaucrats
And shifty-ass
Republicans,
And Madoff,
Crooked lobbyist
Kowtowers --
Hey, they got
Overt bullies!
But, yes, the fresh
Ambitious elected
Man offered
Authentic reform!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Back off, you Bush-whacked Republicans, ritzy moderate Democrats--both!
Study steadfast, honest Founding Fathers of our US. Remember a fact:
They were sensibly liberal, believe it or not!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Ah, certainly that's what he effused, yet may have scoffed recently:
"I'm outnumbered by stubborn obfuscators, brutalizing stockbrokers, fatal filibusterers.
(aside) We're doomed, no hope!"

Ivan Andonov with:
A tree cut, coups burst, firestorm of war descends, so observe the beauty of the analysis of freedom by this allegedly meek Hawaiian-born half-breed, but don't be fuckin' crazy to trust him!

David Bourke with:
Succeeds deflated, seedy cowboy "Dubya". Transforms from a virtuous but scruffy bat-eared basketball player to first black man in the White House...zero to hero in eighteen brief months!

Andrew Brehaut with: <
I remember by February house prices suffered, the crazy global financial crisis 'fad' started - the knockout was that some odd, nutty buffoons bubbled some oil everywhere on that state.

Dharam Khalsa with:
My entry: Bravo, fantastic! Buffs say he's got backbone! But, test a full busy four-year term; then, if he's a failure or boozer, do like we did with predecessor Bush and elect him to a second term!

Ellie Dent with:
Black and white brothers, we're the same underneath, but I'm boss; hybridized, imperfect, yes, but of good stock, must stay safe and free of chains, for best yet of our brave country.
Allelulia.

View with:
United States of America and me are ONE! We can make our lives of mostly satisfactory depth better, surer, hurt-free, brisk, rightful, cozy! No fools, bad ebbs, the odd filthy hubbub... Yes we can!


THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
SENIOR CENTRE

It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre, and Claude the hypnotist declared: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude said: 'I want you all to keep your eyes on this watch. It is very special and has been in my family for five generations.'

He began to swing the watch slowly back and forth while gently purring, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch...' The old audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, the light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes all followed the watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'Shit!' cursed the hypnotist.

It took three days to clear up the Centre.

=

SENIOR ROAD TRIP

Whilst away on a road trip, an old couple stopped at a cafe to have lunch.

After finishing their lunch, they left the table to continue the trip.

Exiting the cafe, the woman unwittingly left her spectacles on the table inside, and didn't miss them until they'd driven thirty miles.

To make matters worse, they had to go quite a few miles down the freeway to find somewhere safe to turn round before they could go back to pick up the spectacles.

All the way back, the husband was the classic waspish, tetchy old man. He cussed and complained during the whole drive, tactlessly criticizing his wife's mistake. The more he ranted, the tetchier he became, not letting up on his incessant whining for a minute.

To the wife's relief, they finally reached the cafe. As the woman zipped out of the car and ran in to get her spectacles, the old guy called to her, "And while you're in there, you may as well get my hat and credit cards!"

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A blonde in pigtails, seeking to earn some money, decides to hire herself out as a handywoman and begins canvassing rich neighborhoods. She walks up to the front door of the first house and asks the owner if he has any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint this porch. How much will you charge to do it?"

The blonde fidgets, hesitates, and asks, "How about fifty dollars?"

The man agrees and tells her that the paint, masking tape, ladder, etc. that she will need are in the garage.

The man's wife hears the conversation and asks her husband, "Does she know that the porch extends all the way around the house?"

The man replies, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short while later, the blonde walks up to the door to collect her money.

"Are you finished with that task already?" the man asks in disbelief.

"Sure," the blonde answers, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two vivid coats!"

Impressed, the man digs deep inside his pocket for the money.

"And by the way," the blonde adds, as she takes the fifty dollars, "it is not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

=

A blonde housewife is tired of all the blonde jokes, and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. To illustrate to her husband that blondes are actually smart, she decides to paint a couple of rooms and ceilings in their home while he is at work.

The next day, after her husband leaves, the happy woman gets right down to the task.

Her husband comes home, notices high scaffolding and detects the distinctive odor of half-dried paint. Startled, the man walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. Then he sees that she has on a ski parka and a shaggy mohair coat.

Hugging her, he asks her, "Honey, are you OK?"

The listless, headachy blonde sniffs, "Yes."

He asks her what she was trying to do.

The wife answers that she wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting their home.

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A few public flashes of wit we value, by some well-known people of a bygone era:

"A man is but the product of his thoughts; what he thinks, he becomes." (Mahatma Gandhi)

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." (Martin Luther King Jr.)

"There are no facts, only interpretations." (Friedrich Nietzsche)

"Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest." (Mark Twain)

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." (Albert Einstein)

"France does not have friends, only interests." (General Charles de Gaulle)

"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." (H.G. Wells)

=

And, sadly, here is this bunch of citations from the so-called stars of current times:

"YOU'RE A PAIN IN MY ASS!" (Mel Gibson to a former girlfriend)

"Walmart? Do they, like, sell walls there?" (Heiress Paris Hilton)

"Well, let's see. There's... of course, in the great history of America, there have been rulings." (Sarah Palin, the candidate for Vice President, can't think of Supreme Court decisions on CBS News)

"When you have an enemy to fight, then you can unite the entire world behind you, and you seize power. That was Hitler's plan." (Glenn Beck on Al Gore's campaign against global warming)

"German? I don't know what that means. We don't say that in America." (The teen idol Justin Bieber)

Adie Pena with:
TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO ON THE INTERNET WHEN DRUNK*
1. Respond to anything work-related
2. Chat with family members
3. Change your password
4. Use your credit card
5. Describe your level of intoxication in a status update
6. Email an ex
7. Forward a funny email
8. Film a YouTube response video
9. Download porn
10. Read the news.

=

TOP TEN REASONS TO GET DRUNK
1. New Year
2. A promotion
3. A divorce
4. A new pub opened in our area
5. Product's expiration date today
6. If you don't drink it, someone else decidedly will
7. World culture [Try that French wine]
8. Human study in a tavern
9. Anal sex and such
10. Hemingway shot himself after being sober for two months.

Ellie Dent with:
The quiet biologist says: 'I study the principles of life.'

The experimental psychologist says: 'We are all controlled everywhere by the principles of life.'

The mature businessman says: 'Not me, old man. Heavens no... on the contrary. You see, my business can use its mighty force to control the economy quite easily.'

=

The economist says coolly: 'Well, the forces of the economy will control your business.'

The engineer says : 'My equations represent a perfect model of the universe.'

The physicist says brightly: 'No. Essentially, boy, the perplexing universe is a model built up of my equations.'

The mathematician says: 'I don't care.'

He asks her why she is so overdressed in her ski parka and a fur coat.

She replies that she merely read the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."


THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 30


Eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
NELSON AND HARDY ON THE EVE OF BATTLE.

NELSON: Order the signal, Hardy.

HARDY: Aye, aye sir.

NELSON: Just a minute; that is not what I dictated, what is the meaning of this?

HARDY: Sorry sir?

NELSON (reading out loud): 'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, culture, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability'. What gobbledegook is this?

HARDY: It's Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We are an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the EU censors, lest it be construed as racist.

NELSON: Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and my tobacco.

HARDY: I'm sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.

NELSON: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.

HARDY; The rum ration has been withdrawn, Admiral. It is part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.

NELSON: Good heavens Hardy, no rum? I suppose we had better get on with it then… full speed ahead.

HARDY: Um... I think you'll find that there is now a four-knot speed limit in this stretch of water.

NELSON: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in naval history! We must advance with all dispatch. Let me have a report from the crow's nest please.

HARDY: That won't be possible, sir.

NELSON: What?!

HARDY: Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest. No harness; and they said that rope ladders do not meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there; not until suitable scaffolding can be erected.

NELSON: Then you must deploy the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.

HARDY: Um... that won't be possible either, sir.

NELSON: What! Why not, man?

HARDY: He is busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Admiral.

NELSON: Wheelchair access? Humbug! I have never heard anything so absurd!

HARDY: Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled.

NELSON: Differently-abled? I only have one arm ~
and one eye, and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't progress to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.

HARDY: Er... actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiencies.

NELSON: Good Lord! Whatever next? Give me full sail. The breeze and the salt spray beckon!

HARDY: A couple of problems there also, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew climb the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven't you seen the adverts?

NELSON: Bejabbers! I profess I've never heard such garbage! Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.

HARDY: It seems the men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.

NELSON: What? This is mutiny!

HARDY: It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of perhaps being charged with murder if they actually, well... kill someone. There's a pair of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.

NELSON: Then how are we to sink the French and Spanish aggressors?

HARDY: Er... we're not, sir.

NELSON: We're not?

HARDY: No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our steadfast European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We might get clobbered with a compensation claim.

NELSON: But we detest the Frogs as we detest the devil.

HARDY: Best not let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report.

NELSON: Don't you consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of the King?

HARDY: Not any more, sir. We need to, quote: 'be inclusive in this multicultural age.' Now put on this padded Kevlar vest, please. It's the rules, and could save your life.

NELSON: Don't tell me – Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?

HARDY: As explained, sir, rum's off the agenda. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.

NELSON: And... what about sodomy?

HARDY: I believe that is now legal, sir.

NELSON: In that case: Kiss me, Hardy!

eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"One Hundred Love Sonnets" by Pablo Neruda.


Christopher Sturdy with:
You sunburnt sicklemen, of August weary


Neil Ramsay with:
Learn To Like


Tony Crafter with:
Jennifer Juniper


Adie Pena with:
August rushes by like desert rainfall


Meyran Kraus with:
Stopping by woods on a snowy evening


Dharam Khalsa with:
The Victor


Ellie Dent with:
A SILLY POEM (Spike Milligan)

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,
I'll draw a sketch of thee,
What kind of pencil shall I use?
2B or not 2B?

=

SLICK SKILL

Ah, Will, methinks, a 'polyglot',
He often made up words, a lot,
For he had capabilities,
Phenomenal abilities.


THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
Natural bodily functions =
I'd continually fart on bus.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
She disappointed the man. =
She'd a tampon in...

T
h
i
s

d
e
e
p

3rd - Rik Sengupta with:
Foot fetish =
"Oh, stiff toe!"

Rik Sengupta with:
Complex analysis =
Anal sex Olympics.

View with:
Female ejaculation =
Emanate all of juice.

View with:
Precoital stimulation=
A male oils cunt to rip it.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Hasidic couple relations =
I cut a hole in a crisp old sheet.

Rick Rothstein with:
Rear-entry positions, ~
or try "penis into arse".

HSP with:
Toilet humours =
True loo - it hums!


The Anagrammy Awards