Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2012


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Pirate costume for a Halloween party =
A parrot or eyepatch will often amuse!

2nd - nedesto with:
Two fat blokes are at the pub. "Your round," says the one. ~
The other bloke spun, went: "So are you, you fat bastard!"

3rd - View with:
The war correspondent =
Can report red-hot news.

Adie Pena with:
Homosexuality =
Oh my! Alex is out!

Christopher Sturdy with:
The lucrative sponsorship deal =
A supplier advert on his clothes.

Paul Lusch with:
Gay conversion therapy =
Against phony "recovery."

Rosie Perera with:
Cryptozoology -- the study of hidden animals =
I found prized mythology at Loch Ness today.

Rosie Perera with:
A Mexican drug cartel =
Exacting cruel drama.

Scott Gardner with:
The tabloids =
Sod that bile!

Ellie Dent with:
The American politicians =
Capitalism in action here.

Shane with:
Regulations =
As in "got rule?"

Adie Pena with:
"A woman's place is in the kitchen" =
Point is, he wants a chicken meal!

Meyran Kraus with:
As "a woman's place is in the kitchen," ~
that man's place is in a Chinese wok.

Dharam Khalsa with:
A woman's place is in the kitchen =
How epic! This meant a clean sink.

Ivan Andonov with:
Misanthrope =
I ♡ Smartphone.

Shane with:
A day to remember =
By a remote dream

Adie Pena with:
Obesity in the United States of America =
I'm one fat butt in 'heart disease' society!

David Bourke with:
Indians' tiger =
It is in danger.

Tony Crafter with:
When a pre-menstrual lady says, "It doesn't matter," ~
she means: "Red-alert! I'm ratty, low, upset and nasty!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Anagramnesia =
Ran same again.

Scott Gardner with:
Steroid ‡
So tired.

Scott Gardner with:
In a blood test, I search ~
the anabolic steroids.

Larry Brash with:
Hate all them nuts in ~
mental health units.

Shane with:
El grande =


1st - Ed Pegg Jr with:
Tour de France =
Center o' fraud.

2nd - nedesto with:
'All my troubles seemed so far away' =
Early Beatles(R) melody was famous.

3rd - Scott Gardner with:
Daniel Craig as James Bond in the movie Skyfall =
I'll chase females and enjoy big vodka martinis.

Adie Pena with:
"La Persistencia de la Memoria" =
Late S. Dali's rare piece in MOMA

Adie Pena with:
Same old anorexic attempt ~
at "America's Next Top Model."

Scott Gardner with:
Eon Productions' Skyfall =
A Londoner-spy flick's out

View with:
Bond's new motion picture 'Skyfall' =
Film: Bold spy continues neat work.

Ellie Dent with:
Daniel Craig as Bond in the new movie, Skyfall =
With girls, villainy and so on ... and me, beefcake!

Larry Brash with:
South Korean rapper Psy's "Gangnam Style" =
Presents a sharp, ugly, porky man on stage.

Shane with:
The Picture of Dorian Gray =
Hue for decaying portrait.

Tony Crafter with:
'Moby-Dick; or, The Whale' by Herman Melville =
Cry: "My! Will Ahab ever kill demon behemoth?"

Christopher Sturdy with:
The Bat Out of Hell album is thirty-five years old =
Oh the hi-fi's blast Meatloaf tribute very loudly!

Scott Gardner with:
Ian Lancaster Fleming =
Film lean agent in cars

Meyran Kraus with:
The Sam Mendes motion picture 'Skyfall' =
One fair, muscled spy that most men like.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Yann Martel's novel "The Life of Pi" =
Finally, plan for the tense movie!


1st - Ellie Dent with:
Romney and Obama ~
do bore many a man.

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
Halloween costumes =
Well-chosen to amuse.

3rd - nedesto with:
Hugo Chavez is elected to a fourth term as president =
CIA prefers the Venezuela dictator's tough methods.

Meyran Kraus with:
President Obama's path for re-election success? =
The secret pictures of Osama bin Laden's corpse.

Rosie Perera with:
The troop-training program in Afghanistan =
"Arranging fair grip, point at man, then shoot."

Rosie Perera with:
Maybe one imponderable disaster at ~
Obama-Romney Presidential Debates.

Adie Pena with:
Diaper shortage =
Pee or shit? A drag!

Dharam Khalsa with:
A liberal, moderate, and conservative go into a bar =
Cool bartender, as above arrived: "Alone again, Mitt?"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Obama-Romney Presidential Debates =
Debonaire Mitt and easy-blame Pres O.

Rosie Perera with:
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month =
A recent scare? Rats! Women scan their boobs.

Rosie Perera with:
The undecided voters in America: ~
"Can Mitt indeed achieve US order?"

Rosie Perera with:
Obama's presidential debate performance ~
appeared mediocre, banal, absent of merits.

Rosie Perera with:
Obama's debate performance =
Man of separate race bombed.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Obama's first presidential debate performance =
A pain born from Mitt's desperate barefaced lies.

View with:
The tropical storm Olivia =
Proclivities to harm a lot.

Christopher Sturdy with:
One Nation Labour =
Banal Euro-notion

Dharam Khalsa with:
Vice presidential debate =
Believe candidates' tripe?

Maurice Goddard with:
Dog walker is trampled to death by cows =
Dodgy path saw wild berserk cattle moo!!

Tony Crafter with:
'Skyfall' - An exciting Bond series motion picture =
Felix Baumgartner's intent spookily coincides!

Scott Gardner with:
The Austrian skydiver =
Risky adventure's a hit!

View with:
Bruce Springsteen endorses President Obama =
Stand's been made - singer sincere BO supporter!

Scott Gardner with:
A Halloween costume store =
Sell one moustache to wear.

Dharam Khalsa with:
It's National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day =
Kitchen makes annual epic pies today!

Rosie Perera with:
The Halloween costume party =
We may put on leather clothes.

Adie Pena with:
President Obama and challenger Mitt Romney =
Men in long and/or empty battle shred America!

Dharam Khalsa with:
New Mexican ranchers want wild coyotes slaughtered =
Why can't we let canines coexist? Old men shrug, "A reward!"

Maurice Goddard with:
Hurricane Sandy rains on presidential campaign =
A real dash! Acting in despair, Romney runs in panic!

Rosie Perera with:
Paul Ceglia arrested in his Facebook lawsuit =
Police saw it's an absolute fraud charge. I "like"!

Meyran Kraus with:
Hurricane Sandy =
Scary! Run! Head in!

Meyran Kraus with:
American elections on the first Tuesday of November =
Benefit a United States chief or, conversely, a Mormon.

Adie Pena with:
Hurricane Sandy =
A rain crushed NY!

nedesto with:
Hurricane Sandy is The Frankenstorm =
Freakish monster rain scathed NY. Run!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Chosen turkeys out behind cabin ~
"Ain't nobody here but us chickens!"

View with:
The Superstorm Sandy =
Report sums NY deaths

Ed Pegg Jr with:
I'd masquerade as ~
a Marquis de Sade.


1st - Ellie Dent with:
Daniel Craig, the Bond star =
Actor, and a British legend.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking =
Pleasant icon types with his right cheek.

3rd - Shane with:
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney =
I can seem pretty traditional-minded!

Adie Pena with:
The actress Nicole Kidman =
Tom's clear and Keith's nice.

View with:
First lady Michelle Obama =
I + BHO created small family

Ellie Dent with:
Vile as ~

View with:
Chinese writer Mo Yan =
Winner come this year.

nedesto with:
Some peace-loving dudes:
1. Christ
2. Confucius
3. Gandhi
1. Crucified
2. China's devout legend
3. Compassion (Hugs!)

Tony Crafter with:
Olympian, Victoria Louise Pendleton =
I employ pedal revolutions in action!

Scott Gardner with:
Singer Ashley Tisdale =
She's a Disney-tale girl

David Bourke with:
Bum relaxing, after ~
Felix Baumgartner.

Paul Lusch with:
Two And A Half Men's Ashton Kutcher =
Damn, the hunk nets a lot of raw cash!

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Tagg Romney =

Robert Jordan with:
A. Mitchell =
Chill, mate!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Presidential Candidate Willard Mitt Romney =
Homeland incident? I'd start war, deplete military!


1st - Ivan Andonov with:
Recent Serbian history =
The story in Srebrenica.

eq2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Apple chain of retail stores =
A place for their latest iPhones.

eq2nd - Adie Pena with:
The Sun tabloid =
Let shit abound!

Rosie Perera with:
The "Ending Corporal Punishment in Schools Act" =
Come, all; no punching tots in chins! Spare the rod!

Scott Gardner with:
Romney campaign =
My GOP man in race.

View with:
The International Space Station =
Attention, captain, others - ALIENS!

nedesto with:
The iTunes media player from Apple Inc =
A musical tree-elf trapped in my iPhone.

Ellie Dent with:
Microsoft 'Surface' tablet computers =
Commercial's out: Fast! Robust! Perfect!

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Alpha Centauri Bb =
Unhabitable. Crap!

Dean Mayer with:
Stoke Mandeville Hospital =
All them kids open to Savile

Rosie Perera with:
's revolting.

Tony Crafter with:
Pesky ~

Rosie Perera with:
American Society of Reproductive Medicine =
A pro committee cured deficiency in ovaries.

Dharam Khalsa with:
United Nations Security Council =
It could secure unity in sanction.

nedesto with:
The iPad Mini, the newest computer tablet =
It's the cute portable item hip men wanted.

Larry Brash with:
Police Gay and Lesbian Liaison Officer =
A fine goal is: cop called on in by fairies.

Meyran Kraus with:
Sandy =
NY sad.

Maurice Goddard with:
The King's College Choir Boys in Cambridge =
Becoming, bright, angelic, rosy-cheek idols!


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The first edition of the Voyageur Press publication "How to Shovel Manure" by Gwen Petersen
We're supposed to believe that the useful hit is in fact NOT governor Romney's new biography?

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Tug O'Reilly hated Tess, their pet cat, so he drove off 5 miles to dump it.

When he got home, it was there.

Next day, he drove 20ml.

When he ~
got home, it was there.

Next day he drove 250 ml.

Twelve hours later, he phoned his wife:

"Did the cat get home?"


"Put the f***er on, I'm lost."

3rd - nedesto with:
A lady keeps peeking through these turkeys at the grocery store, but she can�t find any large enough for her family's needs. ~

Rosie Perera with:
"When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why they are poor, they call me a communist." (Dom Helder Camara)
The advantaged like filthy worldly lucre, commerce, money to shop, Hawaii. They screw the poor. So me? Oh, I am an anathema.

Adie Pena with:
The major components of a fart are: Nitrogen, Hydrogen, Carbon Dioxide, Oxygen and Methane

Enjoy a grand Mexican dinner: Another mix of beans, corn, potato. Danger of odor, eh? Get thyme!

She urgently fetches up the man in the shop area, asking, "Do your turkeys get any bigger?"

Sal, the clerk offers, "No, they're dead."

Ellie Dent with:
A gorilla, a rhino and an ostrich recently held up a bank; terrorised disbelieving, speechless staff, and ran off with cash.
No one had a reliable description. Branch staff said angrily, 'All the scruffs had, er ... plain new stockings over their heads.'

View with:
Mali Islamists tell France they will open doors of hell =
Moslems threaten Paris, locally: We'll hit fool infidels!

Maurice Goddard with:
Boosting breastfeeding rates saves lives and money: Unicef =
Engaged survey in natives confirmed boob feasts essential!

Adie Pena with:
The four Gaelic seasonal festivals:
1. Imbolc
2. Beltaine
3. Lughnasadh
4. Samhain
1. If buds come out
2. Has a blistering heat
3. Falling leaves
4. As one man has a chill.

Dharam Khalsa with:
First edition of the Voyageur Press publication "How to Shovel Manure" by Gwen Petersen
Narrative on the duty of sweeping up obscene BS piles (without hay) from elite governors.


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Once and for all, can you give me an educated answer to the question - what comes first, the chicken or the egg?"

The egg.
Whatever a
hen's made out
of was not normal
chicken DNA quite
yet, according
to the rules
of science.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
"Once and for all, can you give me an educated answer to the question - what comes first, the chicken or the egg?"
Oh, to conclude that old query can make us frenetic.
"Ah," one man voiced, "'twas the egg, for the answer is genetic!"

3rd - Robert Jordan with:
"Once and for all, can you give me an educated answer to the question - what comes first, the chicken or the egg?"
Eggheads at Sheffield University, and at Warwick too, concur that a lone hen got her sequence to commence

Meyran Kraus with:
After adequately checking some facts, I've announced an answer: "To get to the other side!"
...Oh, um, wrong cliche!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Got one...
Quite in advance of the chook we detect many new creatures hatching from a shell e.g. dinosaurs etc.

Rosie Perera with:
I'd go consult the energetic quacks who, for a huge fee, are now convinced they came at the same instant. Lord!

Meyran Kraus with:
Er, sure! When a true cook concocts a quiche, they add the fowl in advance. An omelet meant the eggs go in first.

Ellie Dent with:
"Once and for all, can you give me an educated answer to the question - what comes first, the chicken or the egg?"

David Bourke with:
We're confident, very confident we can quack that logic
headache together: Simultaneous orgasm's the one!

nedesto with:
Quite the latter, if two eggs came as an hors d'oeuvre and coco chicken and mango chutney is the fowl entr´e.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The chef: "Each country farm egg grows quite well in a hen, comes out intact, then is cooked, eaten, and savored!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Then, at the fact's outcome, we can equate how ducks, geese, and everything manifest, in chronological order!

Adie Pena with:
Our French cock, Lance, to an egg, commenting after they had coitus, "I see we have answered that old question."

Tony Crafter with:
Fact: - A senator wed an ostrich. She laid an egg. However, it mutated to form one ugly consequence - The chicken!

Rosie Perera with:
We watched a "nomadic chicken versus egg" footrace. They're so not equal. The round thing came in last. (No feet.)

Tony Crafter with:
Chicken. (a noun): The due consequence of Rod Stewart getting his leg over a hot lady macaw. (note: He came first)

Dharam Khalsa with:
That's academic, chickadee! Note, on cue, tough new eggshell required fatty content from a hen's own ovaries.

Maurice Goddard with:
When a young child, gran once told me face to face I came with a stork!
Essence rent so! Queer advent I thought?

View with:
Awkward challenge 'n' query - get test, discuss, convince too. One huge, titanic headache. O, no, free me from that!

Rosie Perera with:
Sequence of a hen, with egg inside, that comes towards you, cogent man: could the hen arrive after? NOT! Cackle! :-)

naturegirl with:
Yar! Chuck the masquerade of hot, cute new life! Wrong idea! Heaven's cocoon sent short-legged inmate intact.

Maurice Goddard with:
"Ouch concludes a sin's oath: Chewing over that enigmatic query can need a taste from the Tree of Knowledge!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
View asks too much, and ego damage to the hen if the correct cycle is not found! Can we request a general hint?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Old hen co-named Antigone--
Who's she? First egg evacuee?
Cluck! Quite the contrary,
If shown traced to manatee!

Paul Lusch with:
If each is fried, it's equal -- each savory on tongue. Omelet and stew? Eat together. Now, munch corn and get check.

Dharam Khalsa with:
A hen let a doctor inseminate her. She conceived, foster fetus grew quickly, and now an egg came out to hatch.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Hen came first, and she awoke to anticlimactic consequences - a duty to grow the "egg of love" underneath her!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Mitt Romney: "It was the unequal-waged hen, grateful 'cos she got a chance to cook dinner after she conceived!"

Maurice Goddard with:
Coquette Kate urged William,
When on hay, he came first!
A connection egg, and coos
So fervent, that he cursed!

Ellie Dent with:
If a rooster doth crow
At a coy, active HEN
Assume all did know
The consequence then:
Nature ... fetching me EGG!

Maurice Goddard with:
When suave hothead Clinton used a cigar fondle to egg tarty coquette hen Monica, we reckon she came first!


1st - Ellie Dent with:
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women:

1. FINE - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.

2. THAT'S OKAY - One of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long and hard before deciding quite how and when you will be paying for your mistake.

3. NOTHING - This is the calm before the storm. It means 'Something' and you'd better be on your toes. Arguments that start with 'Nothing' usually end with 'Fine.' (See One).

4. FIVE MINUTES - If getting dressed, this means it will take anything up to half-an-hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some really boring chores around the house.)


5. THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Don't question why, even if you are confused. But say, 'You're welcome.' Then let it go.

6. LOUD, SOULFUL SIGH - Huffy, non-verbal comment often misunderstood by a mere man. It means that she thinks you're an impudent idiot - feeble, to boot - and furthermore, is wondering why she has been standing here wasting time debating 'nothing.' (Refer to Three)

7. GO AHEAD - This is often a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)

8. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. This means she has asked a man umpteen times to do something, but, now infuriated, is finally doing it for herself. But wait, that means you will then ask her, in the future, 'Why, honey, what is wrong ?' (See Three.)

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Seamus and Murphy were out walking one day and came across an abandoned well.

Curious as to how deep it might be, they threw a stone down the well and waited for the sound of it hitting the bottom. But they heard nothing.

So they found a larger rock and threw that down. Still they heard nothing.

It clearly needed something a lot bigger, and after a quick search of the surrounding area, they came across an old railway sleeper.

Summoning every bit of their combined strength, they managed to carry the heavy sleeper across to the well and lobbed it into the hole. As they stood back waiting for the sound of it hitting the bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt straight into the open well.

"Holy shoit!" cried Seamus, "did ya see what oi just feckin' saw?"

"Oi... oi did!" stammered Murphy.

Both men were still recovering from their shock when a farmer appeared.
"Have either of you seen a goat?" he asked.

"Begorra, we have!" exclaimed Seamus. "It just jumped down dat feckin' well, so it did!"

"No, that couldn''t have been my goat," smiled the farmer. "Mine was tethered to a railway sleeper."


Two men were seated next to each other at the bar.

After a while, one turned to the other and queried, "Hearing your accent, do I detect that you're from green Ireland?"

"That oi am!" acknowledged the second man.

"Why, so am I!" said the first man. "And where in Ireland do ye come from?"

"Oi come from Dublin," replied the other.

"Why, me too!" chuckled the first man. "'tis a small world! What street did ye live in?"

"I lived in Plug Street, just off da town centre."

"Bejaysus! So did I! And what school would ye have gone to, by chance'?"

"Why, St. Mary's of course."

"Holy Mother, I went to St Mary's too!" gasped the first man. "When did ye graduate?"

"Oi graduated back in April 'eighty-eight."

"Well, I can hardly believe we two fellahs just happened to be in the same bar tonight!" gasped the first man. "Would ye believe that I too graduated from St. Mary's that self-same year! The blessed Lord must be looking down upon us!"

At the same time, another man went up to the bar to order a beer.

The publican walked over shaking his head and groaned, "Oh, heck; it's gonna be a long night tonight."

"Why?" asked the customer.

"The O'Leary twins are pissed again."

3rd - nedesto with:
A dustman is going up a street. He gets to a house where the bin isn't out yet, so he has a look for it, and knocks.

The door is answered by a shy Chinese gentleman, Lee. "Harro," he says.

"All right, where's your bin, yeah?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toiret," replies Lee, looking perplexed.

"No," demands the dustman, "Where's ya dustbin?"

Lee scratches his head and protests, "I dust bin on toiret!"

"Christ, but you're still not getting my drift," curses the dustman, upset. "Where's your wheely bin?!"

"Aw fine," Lee gulps bashfully. "I wheely bin having wank."


Betty is growing frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.

She finally buys some split-crotch undies she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One night at home, Betty takes a shower. She puts on a slinky blue satin negligee and wears the split-crotch panties underneath.

She then strolls between her husband and the telly, and suggestively tosses one leg up on his chair arm.

"Hi there, Sweetie. Would you like some of this?" Betty purrs.

"Are you kidding me, woman?" her hubby says. "I mean, look what it did to your underwear!"

Adie Pena with:
1 Bacon
2 Extra Cheese
3 Tomato Sauce
4 Pepperoni
5 Mushrooms
6 Garlic
7 Sausage
8 Onions
9 Red Onion
10 Basil


1 Pig Obsession!
2 Connoisseur Gusto
3 A Red Experience
4 One Salami
5 Top Button
6 A Sharp Zing
7 Meat Palate
8 A Critic's Zest
9 Oh, No Ham?
10 Pesto

Robert Jordan with:
After Quasimodo's exit, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word out through the streets of Paris for a new bell-ringer of repute. The clergyman decided he was to conduct his interviews himself in the belfry.

After observing several applicants demonstrating their skills, an armless man said that he was there to apply for the position.

The man struck the carillon with his face to produce a beautiful melody. Suddenly, he rushed headlong to strike again and accidentally tripped and plunged out of sight to his death.

A crowd saw him strewn in the street below so gathered near. As they parted silently to let the bishop through to him, one of them asked who he was.

"I don't know his name," the bishop replied aghast, "but his face rings a bell."


Well with a heavy heart, put down to the unfortunate demise of the armless campanologist, His Excellency continued as normal doing interviews.

The first lad approached and he asked: "Reverent Holiness, I'm the brother of the poor serf and unfortunate wretch who fell today; I pray that you will respect his life by allowing me to replace him?" An audition was granted.

But as the amputee's gormless sibling stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he clutched his chest, groaned, and died then and there on the spot.

Alarmed at hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, the first of two fathers below asked, "Who's that hapless man?"

"I don't know his name," the distraught bishop sighed quietly, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Christopher Sturdy with:
Regarding TSA regulations:
How are four small bottles of liquid different from one large bottle?
Because four bottles can hold the components of a binary liquid explosive,
whereas one big bottle can't.
It follows there are quite probably vans full of brilliant lab scientists tempted to fool about engineering bomb mixtures for al-Qaeda rather than cure cancer.

Good God, don't we see enough loss of life?!

Tony Crafter with:
Dear Religion

This week I safely dropped a man from space while you shot a child in the head for wanting to go to school.

Yours, Science

(Ricky Gervais on Twitter 16/10/2012)


The outspoken actor/comedian/heretic (who I always regarded as chronically irritating) tweets a highly profound viewpoint.

Yes, ok, I confess - he's good.

(Mr Life 16/10/2012)

Maurice Goddard with:
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.
Moreover, fatal for poor pop you,
Suffer pity taming one Taylor-like shrew!
Hurry up! My Aunty Wyn's no femme fatale,
A yearning, VERY big wife to woo!

Adie Pena with:

1 Consider size. The pumpkin should be big enough to carve eyes, nose and a mouth on.

2 Tap the pumpkin. If it isn't entirely solid, it's rotting. Choose a dry pumpkin with a hard shell.

3 Look at the shape of the pumpkin. Do you want a moon-faced or a tall, thin one?

4 Wash dirt off the pumpkin.

5 Find the 'best side.' Turn the pumpkin around to see which area would make the best Jack-o-Lantern face.

6 Mark the features on the pumpkin using a pen or pencil. Draw them slightly smaller then you want them to be.

7 Cut the top off. Put the knife or carving tool all the way through the shell into the pumpkin. Saw a clean circle around the stem and lift off.

8 Clean the pumpkin. Discard the seeds and sticky interior. Make sure the inside of the face area is free of clinging tissue.

9 Cut the face. For each feature, push the knife or carving tool through, then cut on the line until the piece comes out.

10 Clear away the rough edges.



1 HIGH FIDELITY. Barry the geek with Dick: The 'musical moron twins' who happen to make the Top Five list.

2 TROPIC THUNDER. The foulmouthed 'Fats' Portnoy ripping off hot stuff. The unclean output: Humourous flatulence!

3 SCHOOL OF ROCK. See the prestigious prep house tap the incompetent man, one wannabe rock superstar Dewey Finn!

4 KUNG FU PANDA. The accident-prone Po, unhurt in the Valley of Peace, ancient China.

5 ICE AGE. See Zeke, the toothiest Smilodon, hunt with the fauna prehistoric.

6 MARS ATTACKS! Adieu, Billy Glen Norris. The Martians kill the soldier in Nevada. (Listen to the tune of the Mariachi!)

7 KING KONG. The film director Carl Denham in the huge ape remake. Andy Serkis as Lumpy the ship's cook/surgeon, and Kong, too.

8 KUNG FU PANDA TWO. The new 'Three-D' follow-up piece. Meet up with Dustin Hoffman, the master Shifu.

9 WALK HARD. (Uncredited) Paul McCartney of the Beatles.

10 THE JACKAL. The opportunistic gunsmith Ian Lamont. Hence, he's killed.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Hurricane Preparation To-Do List
The World:

Watch the Weather Channel
Shop for canned goods and bottled water
Remember to buy flashlight batteries
Pack evacuation kit
Pack your car with essential items
Wonder if your elderly neighbour and his wife are prepared
New York:

Shop for Vodka
Buy, hide backup cigarettes
Call a date for the hurricane party
Deliberate on details, whether or not a disaster will close the office building Monday
Wonder whether the passenger trains run without power
Barricade the apartment

Meyran Kraus with:
(In a desperate attempt to drive a certain point home, president Obama has recently agreed to a fourth debate.)

Moderator: Gentlemen, our topic is the military. Mr. President, the floor is yours.

Obama: Thanks. First of all, I do admit that some of my decisions may have hurt some folks out there. But I swear to you all that I will not let it happen as I oft been lettin'.

Mod (confused): Sorry, sir, can you repeat that last part?

Obama (grinning): Sure. "I oft been lettin'."

Romney: You're playing into his hands, you know.

Mod: Mr. President...

Obama: Look, I'll show you what I mean. I invited an outstanding soldier called Benjamin A. Ladd to sit in our audience today. You probably know where this is going.

Romney (exasperated): I think I do.

Obama: Stand up, Ben. Now, Ben served four years in Iraq, but when he came back home, he found there aren't a lot of options for him out there. However, we worked hard to give him a fair chance, and I personally got him in a business management program in UCLA. Thank you, Ben.

Romney: And that's it? That's all you wanted to say?

Obama: Yes, that's all. I got Ben Ladd in.


Romney: Can someone please grab his notes!

Mod: Mr. President, please stick to the subject at hand. As I said, we are talking about our soldiers in the line of duty.

Obama: Right, and no one's a bigger expert than me. You know, both Mr. Romney and I turned up at the marine base in California and met great people in there, many of whom, by the way, are of the Hispanic persuasion. And, as opposed to my rival, I was a hit. In front of that ethnically diverse crowd, Mr. Romney tanked and I killed. In fact, you might say... Oh, that's a tough one.

Mod: So don't say it, sir!

Obama: No, the truth must be heard... I KILLED THOUGH SOME'VE BEEN LATIN.

Mod: Okay, grab his notes.

(Ten minutes later)

Mod: Mr. President, I'm afraid I'll have to prohibit some of these. For instance, you will not be allowed to say that your new favorite beverage is "a smoked-bean latte", nor will you mention your quite ludicrous plan to ban ladders. In fact, you will not mention that particular man or the operation that brought him down in any way. Do you agree to these conditions, Mr. President?

Obama (after a brief pause): I'll 'kay dat.


1st - Meyran Kraus with: Spirits of the Dead
A poem by Edgar Allan Poe

Thy soul shall find itself alone
Mid dark thoughts of the grey tombstone -
Not one of all the crowd to pry
Into thine hour of secrecy:

Be silent in that solitude
Which is not loneliness - for then
The spirits of the dead who stood
In life before thee are again
In death around thee - and their will
Shall then overshadow thee: be still

For the night - tho clear - shall frown
And the stars shall look not down
From their high thrones in the Heaven
With light like Hope to mortals given -
But their red orbs without beam
To thy weariness shall seem
As a burning and a fever
Which would cling to thee for ever:

Now are thoughts thou shalt not banish -
Now are visions neer to vanish -
From thy spirit shall they pass
No more - like dew-drop from the grass:

The breeze - the breath of God - is still
And the mist upon the hill
Shadowy - shadowy - yet unbroken
Is a symbol and a token -
How it hangs upon the trees
A mystery of mysteries!


The Horrors of Halloween

How truly happy are those boys and girls
That all receive bright mints in spooky shapes
Or zany lollipops with rainbow swirls
To hold or eat in hokey hats or capes
Yes it is fun to do that to forget
But I am hapless as a half-believer -
Yet in a fashion I do not regret
For all that feel the bitter truth will shiver
That shadow on those homes then overwhelms -
Death tensely keeps its hold on those limp minds
For an indifferent tone spreads through that realm
As each forgetful fool in there turns blind
And that inhuman hush I felt each night
Amid the shadows and on filthy streets
It might foretell a raw and sober fright
When Id encounter some vile ghosts in sheets:
The shy distinguished harbingers of sorrow
They look attentively then scheme to end
The human infestation in their borough
With moody Halloween around the bend
A darkness overtook this hollow globe
And when we choose to yield well be enrobed

[In the spirit of the holiday the anagram really is haunted by a ghost No need to highlight any letters though if youre not seeing it just yet simply squint hard (or unfocus your eyes and stare at the word hapless for a few seconds)]

Happy Halloween!
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Pink Floyd

We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! teachers! leave them kids alone!
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

We don't need no education
We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teachers leave them kids alone
Hey! teachers! leave us kids alone!
All in all you're just a another brick in the wall.
All in all you're just a another brick in the wall.

"Wrong, do it again!"
"Wrong, do it again!"
"If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding. how can you
Have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?"
"You! yes, you behind the bikesheds, stand still laddy!"

Her Majesty

One don't want no degradation
No camera-hounders on the prowl
No vulgar pics in a bad French mag
Stalkers, leave our Kate alone
Hey! stalker! leave our Kate alone
Bloody hell, you know she's just an innocent girl.

She don't need continual hounding
Like they did with Lady Di
Robbed of liberty and life, oh
Stalkers, leave our Kate alone
Hey! stalker! leave our Kate alone
Bloody hell, you know she's just an innocent girl.

You did do wrong
Now, let her be
The juicy pics
God, they ain't chic
That's rude and sick
And cynical, we ain't amused
With all that clinical attitude
A timid, newly-married woman
Needs a chance, she's only human
Y'all show some dedication
Not that uncouth titillation
She ain't no Harry
Let her tarry!

Adie Pena with:
by Jack Prelutsky

I'm making a pizza the size of the sun,
a pizza that's sure to weigh more than a ton,
a pizza too massive to pick up and toss,
a pizza resplendent with oceans of sauce.

I'm topping my pizza with mountains of cheese,
with acres of peppers, pimentos, and peas,
with mushrooms, tomatoes, and sausage galore,
with every last olive they had at the store.

My pizza is sure to be one of a kind,
my pizza will leave other pizzas behind,
my pizza will be a delectable treat
that all who love pizza are welcome to eat.

The oven is hot, I believe it will take
a year and a half for my pizza to bake.
I hardly can wait till my pizza is done,
my wonderful pizza the size of the sun.



My simple pizza is a good food I prize;
Yes, love a homemade pizza that's eaten nice!
Must have a pizza, so healthy at breakfast.
Of course, that huge pizza won't be the last!

Now a popular pizza to work I must pack;
This pizza I'll swallow is my morning snack!
How about a heavenly pizza just for lunch?
One happy pizza meal again, easy to munch!

Favorite week-old pizzas always won't hurt;
One yummy pizza, I'll taste it for dessert!
Cheese tomato pizza to satiate me soon;
The same little pizza I will eat this afternoon.

Olive-topped I vote as a sure winner;
Big deep-dish pizza will be my dinner!
End the day with a bedtime snack;
Reheat these pizzas before I hit the sack!

Ellie Dent with:
Turn Again To Life, written by Mary Lee Hall

If I should die and leave you here a while,
Be not like others, sore undone, who keep

Long vigil by the silent dust, and weep.
For my sake - turn again to life and smile,

Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort other hearts than thine.

Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine
And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.


Humanity: Ahead In A Defeat, by the Weary Author.

If I should fail and need to try again
Be not long stricken, or be too concerned

Still thinking of those glories yet unearned.
For my sake, contemplate heady times then

Nerving thy mind and suffering temp'rament
Help me work through this ever hopeless blame.

And while all endeavour to do the same
I toil, I win, I flourish here, content!

3rd - nedesto with:
1. A trap
5. "Arr"
10. Fly! (3,4)
11. A wind instrument
12. Bruce Wayne
15. Baboon
16. Eerie gourd
17. EU's cash
18. Taint
19. A team player
20. ___line
22. A pre-Soviet-era head
25. Zealously keener
27. Prelate
28. Make hot once more
30. I eat aphids
31. A biter
32. Meet
33. Limp
2. Mutant
3. Unweave; unknit
4. Mule feed
5. Drop
6. Wits
7. A toy
8. Triple
9. Attorney
13. Crazier
14. Peel area's hair
15. Cooler
20. An inebriate
21. Hid
23. Bespoke
24. Laces a shoe again
25. A yummy brain tempts me
26. Bored area
29. Leer
31. A pet healer

Adie Pena with:
1 __ __ __
4 __ __ __ __
8 __ __ __ __
10 __ __ __ __
11 __ __ __ __
12 __ __ __ __
13 __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __
15 __ __ __
16 __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __
23 __ __ __ __
24 __ __ __ __
25 __ __ __ __
26 __ __ __ __
27 __ __ __ __
28 __ __ __

1 __ __ __ __
2 __ __ __ __
3 __ __ __ __
4 __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __
5 __ __ __ __
6 __ __ __ __
7 __ __ __ __
9 __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __
14 __ __ __
16 __ __ __ __
17 __ __ __ __
18 __ __ __ __
20 __ __ __ __
21 __ __ __ __
22 __ __ __ __

1, 16 and 28 See the puzzle's inspiration!
4 "Fellini's __"
8 Gamma __
10 Airline
11 Aid to investor
12 Reading
13 Numerical choice set
15 A rap man
23 Too notable
24 Nanny
25 It is too sad!
26 Blunder; travesty
27 LaMarr __

1 A threesome
2 Ayah; amah
3 Noted
4 To alter
5 Norway head
6 Attendant
7 __ Alda
9 Hardest
14 Protein family
16 When LOL (or LMAO) is not valid
17 Sci-fi writer
18 A rendering engine
20 Noise
21 One very lovely star
22 The Brit school

1, 16 and 28 See the puzzle's inspiration!
4 "Fellini's __"
8 Gamma __
10 Airline
11 Aid to investor
12 Reading
13 Numerical choice set
15 A rap man
23 Too notable
24 Nanny
25 It is too sad!
26 Blunder; travesty
27 LaMarr __

1 A threesome
2 Ayah; amah
3 Noted
4 To alter
5 Norway head
6 Attendant
7 __ Alda
9 Hardest
14 Protein family
16 When LOL (or LMAO) is not valid
17 Sci-fi writer
18 A rendering engine
20 Noise
21 One very lovely star
22 The Brit school

Robert Jordan with:

Re "The Sound of Music."
Here are some lyrics:
Doe, a deer, a female deer.
Ray, a drop of golden sun.
Me, a name I call myself.
Far, a long, long way to run.
Sew, a needle pulling thread,
La, a note to follow Sew,
Tea, a drink with jam and bread!
That will bring us back to Do!
Now random canned Simpson:
Dough, green stuff to procure Duff.
Ray, a sun's why barley grows.
Me, a bloke who's earned a jar.
Far, laid dead end road to Moe's.
So, I'll take a brew in ice,
La, a little ale lament,
Tea? No ta; hey ale, well nice!
Marge'll lug me fried to'D'oh!

Tony Crafter with:
'It's just too hot for clothes today,' George gasped as he stepped out of the shower; 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would say if I mowed the grass naked?'
'Probably that I married you for your money!'

A man was telling his next-door neighbour, "I've just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's got real state of the art technology."
"Oh, really?" gulped the neighbour... so, what kind is it?"
"Five thirty."

A man visits a sorcerer and says, "Can you remove a toxic curse that was put on me seven years ago?"
"Perhaps," nods the sorcerer, "do you recall the words of that curse?"
The guy replies, "I now pronounce you man and wife".

A feminist went out to Kabul after the fall of the Taliban and was far from happy to see all of the women walking 5 paces behind the men.
A year later, she returned to find all of the men walking 5 paces behind the women. 'What brought about the change?' she asked her guide.
'Landmines,' he replied.

"Why are you jumping up and down like that?"
"I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle."

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins The Lottery'?

Why didn't Noah swat those two little mosquitoes?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and washing-up liquid made with real lemons?

My wife's TV dinners just melt in the mouth. I do wish she'd defrost them first.

A fish staggers into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the barman.
The fish croaks, "Water"

Last night I was sitting viewing TV when I heard my wife Peggy's voice from the kitchen: 'What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef, veal or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you Peggy, I'll have veal'.
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the dog!'

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, all Dublin swimming pools have announced they are closing lanes 1 and 2...

A Muslim's been shot with a starting pistol; police say it is definitely race related...
What is the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit-bull humping your leg?
The pit-bull gets to finish...

What is the difference between an Irish woman and an Irish goddess?
About 5 pints.

Two vampires walked into a bar and summoned the bartender.
"I will have a glass of blood," hissed one.
"And I will have a glass of plasma," hissed the other.
"Right away, sirs," said the bartender; "so, that'll be one blood and one blood lite."

When you attend court, just remember that you are entrusting your fate to twelve people who weren't intelligent enough to get out of jury duty!

Mystified judge to jury: "What possible reason could you have for acquitting this man?"
"Insanity," said the foreman.
"What, all of you?"

The wayward lag in the dock said, "As God is my judge, I am not guilty."
The magistrate replied: "He's not. I am. You are. 5 years."

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store for their medicine prescriptions while the healthy can buy their cigarettes at the front?

Why do banks leave the vault doors open and then chain their pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars out in our driveways yet put our useless junk in the garage?

A man is watching golf on television but he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having sex.
"Hmm... I don't know whether to watch the movie or the golf", he says to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch the movie," his wife says. "You already know how to play golf!"

Last night I reached behind the bed for my liquid Viagra and accidentally drank from a bottle of Tippex. I awoke this morning with a huge correction.

My wife recommended I get myself a penis enlarger, so I did. She is 21, naughty, and her name is Nina.

I was sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen; the ungrateful swines.
All I said was, 'Hurry up, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Maurice Goddard with:
Doctor Foster poem

Doctor Foster
Went to Gloucester
In a shower of rain.
He stepped in a puddle
Right up to his middle
And never went there again!
Proceeding to Dent
Our adventurer went
Amid high furies of snow.
Poor fellow! Teeth chattered!
Pale Doc got shattered!
In noise, RIP tramp ends so.

Christopher Sturdy with:
There once was a sportsman called Lance
Who seven times won Tours of France,
But the guys he defeated
Claim that he cheated
And their lawyers say: "Repay those grants".
Some prat had testicular cancer,
A fault to which drugs serve an answer.
These effects made one healthy -
Does he need to be wealthy?
Now money's tight as lycra pants are!


1st - Rick Rothstein with:
A nice, tight pussy =
It isn't cheap guys.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
She shouted at me and tried to fight me... =
That dreaded time of the month, I guess!

3rd nedesto with:
Sexual impotence =
Note a limp excuse.

Adie Pena with:
Douchebags =
Such bad ego!

Tony Crafter with:
Parisiennes =
Penis in arse.

Christopher Sturdy with:
I hate Skittles =
Taste like shit

Maurice Goddard with:
Cunnilingus stimulation =
Mutual in soliciting nuns!

The Anagrammy Awards