Complete list of nominations for January, 2013

JANUARY 2013 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2013

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
President Obama's second administration =
A man promised to end a nation's debt crisis.

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
Algerian hostage crisis =
The aggression is racial.

3rd - nedesto with:
President to ban assault rifles =
Portends less urban fatalities.

Dharam Khalsa with:
New Year's resolutions? =
Yes! Iron, run, sweat, lose.

Adie Pena with:
It's the year two thousand and thirteen =
Worth another day in the United States.

Scott Gardner with:
New Year's resolutions =
One surely swears on it.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Legend has it, they say: When a clock strikes thirteen ~
they start new year tonight like headless chickens.

Rosie Perera with:
Broken New Year's Resolutions =
Terribly onerous? No, weakness!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton =
Central drama of the clot is nearly history.

nedesto with:
The Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton =
As horror fell: "Clots in my head!? Can they... treat it??"

Maurice Goddard with:
Kate Middleton and Camilla Parker-Bowles at War! =
A palace battle marks a tired wrinkled old woman!

Adie Pena with:
Cold weather in January ‡
Worth a clear day in June.

View with:
Indian rape =
Pain and ire.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Wildfires rage across Australia amid searing heat =
Air gust damage, as if all was charred in a rotisserie!

Rosie Perera with:
$1 trillion platinum coin =
Unroll politician mint!

Scott Gardner with:
Mali's insurgents =
Islamist gunners.

Rosie Perera with:
"Argo" wins Best Drama in Golden Globes =
Somber legend, big Iran saga's now told.

David Bourke with:
Helicopter hits a crane on a skyscraper in London =
A chopper seen to crash in really rank conditions.

David Bourke with:
Horse meat in Tesco burgers =
One customer bites Shergar!

Rosie Perera with:
Deadly hostage crisis in Algeria =
A shady disgrace in large oil site.

Adie Pena with:
The Union Cycliste Internationale =
Oh, I see it! Lance truly ain't innocent!

David Bourke with:
The In Amenas natural gas facility hostage crisis =
Algerian Islamic fanatics against us...they're shot.

View with:
Lance Armstrong's Confession =
Man's confronting race losses

Scott Gardner with:
The American Presidential Oath of Office =
Affirmation I'd echo after election phase

Rosie Perera with:
Recommend best boss again: ~
Obama's second term begins.

Adie Pena with:
A horsemeat scandal =
Tesco has a darn meal!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
President Obama's second inauguration =
Period as US's manager continued on a bit.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Michelle Obama's eye roll: What was she thinking? =
We think maybe she was smelling the alcohol air!

Tony Crafter with:
Elton John and David Furnish become fathers again =
Famed grand diva announces the birth of son Elijah!

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
1. Mona Lisa
2. Starry Night
3. The Last Supper
4. The Creation of Adam
5. Guernica
=
1. A portrait
2. Southeast France
3. Mural
4. Am on the ceiling
5. Spanish tragedy

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Top Five Most Memorable Erotic Movies

1. Basic Instinct
2. Sex and Lucia
3. Nine 1/2 Weeks
4. Last Tango In Paris
5. Eyes Wide Shut
=
1. Stone gives a close view within
2. Spicy senorita is 21
3. Sick sex themes
4. Brando butters up a female
5. Tom and Nicole mate in it

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
A gent goes into his local inn. 'Better get me the strong beer, Art, I had a
flippin' rotten day,' he declared. 'Terrible.'

'How come, sir?'
=
'I care for the Royals' pets. Inbreeding has led to low intelligence and bad
temperament.

The corgis aren't too bright, either.

Rosie Perera with:
The 150th anniversary of the Emancipation Proclamation =
Anti-slavery phenomenon of rich America at that point.

Maurice Goddard with:
Poets' Corner at Westminster Abbey in the South Transept
=
Once top wits
At metre best,
Pen's then brainy
Authors rest.

Maurice Goddard with:
Hugh Hefner weds 'runaway bride' Crystal Harris at Playboy Mansion =
Lady is unaware, wife-hungry horny old-timer's a sharp baby-snatcher!

Christopher Sturdy with:
UK's first hand transplant op: Grandfather with paralysed hand 'ecstatic' after pioneering eight-hour procedure
=
Refers to that new part as a second hand organ.
Terrified, he had a fingerprint check!
'Tourist' rightly applauds pun.

View with:
Film - Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) =
The witty Woody Allen work is about a taut war of sexes, making a bed very fun!

Larry Brash with:
The film: "Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask!" =
Great if somewhat awkward take on fine sexy behaviours by Woody Allen. Tut tut!

Rosie Perera with:
The Center for Science in the Public Interest announces their Xtreme Eating Awards =
Men eat ten thousand calories in intense brunch, expect cancer; their wife regrets it.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Four kinds of sentences:
1. Declarative
2. Interrogative
3. Imperative
4. Exclamatory
=
Sentence of case read:
1. Mutiny
2. Extortion
2. Verified plagiarism
3. Revolver attack

Rosie Perera with:
Pauline Phillips, longtime Dear Abby advice columnist, dies at 94
=
Dear Abby,

I'm 49. Hoping I'll live until I'm as old! I accept as end.

-- Upset

Dharam Khalsa with:
Peering into her crystal ball, the mystic said: "Your husband will die a quite horrible death within a few weeks."=
Barely shaken, the dour woman answered, "Horrifying, but will it predict this as easily...will I be acquitted?" (he-he)

Adie Pena with:
The three biggest horse meat-consuming countries: China, Mexico and Russia =
Tesco has the menu coming; is introducing hamburgers in these exotic areas.

Adie Pena with:
THE TOP TEN APHRODISIAC FOODS*
1. Honey
2. Oysters
3. Garlic
4. Figs
5. Chocolate
6. Basil
7. Bananas
8. Avocado
9. Almonds
10. Asparagus
=
1. Has boron
2. A sea of orgasms!
3. Allicin
4. Adds strength
5. Lay hopes on cacao!
6. Pesto?
7. Say "Vit B"!
8. Folic Acid
9. A nut?
10. Oh, God! A spear!

David Bourke with:

The singer Shakira has become a mother for the first time after giving birth to her baby son, Milan. =
One Mr Tony Crafter (her British fan) sobs, "A big, big mistake...I love her! A right shame I'm not the father!"

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Pure friendship is something which men of an inferior intellect can never taste." - Jean de la Bruyere
=
There is no damn chance, Jean, if even Paris Hilton reels in a creepily huge number of Twitter friends.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Pure friendship is something which men of an inferior intellect can never taste." -Jean de la Bruyere.
=
A flippant friend is even thrice more dangerous than the sincere foe, as he will injure by increment.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
"Pure friendship is something which men of an inferior intellect can never taste." - Jean de la Bruyere
=
The cynical, ever-fluent, French philosopher jeers: "Dimwits ne'er find a genuine mate. It's a no-brainer!"

Christopher Sturdy with:
Jealousy on the other hand is flipping rife between unrefined chavs (career criminal men in street).

Rosie Perera with:
In principle, hotter men of ambition value that finer French (Swiss?) dinner cheese." - Jean de la Gruyere

Dharam Khalsa with:
The sharp and caring friends rejoice in my natural imperfection, while it unnerves the feeble ones.

Adie Pena with:
"One enemy is a noted rich man in a different Republican universe who rejects all the things I prefer."

nedesto with:
In the friend, chap, is someone you can just never baffle with mere thrilling and insincere repartee.

View with:
Therein new reference: fertile philanthropy and justice is for emotive, caring and sensible human.

Dharam Khalsa with:
While some are juvenile,
And others indifferent or uninteresting,
By chance, I'm his near-perfect pal!

Maurice Goddard with:
Infinite fun friend won

My best pal ever
Is called John Thomas!
Inner energetic chap
I here treasure!

Maurice Goddard with:
"Subjective, permanent and true, I agree, as in the fresh inner circle of all my friends!" - Winnie the Pooh

Rosie Perera with:
"If perchance I have repellant, bent, injuring friends similar to you, then who needs enemies?" -- Crafter

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"Conniving French jester herein deemed himself an unfit hire to be truly a peer pal." -Sir Isaac Newton

Rosie Perera with:
He refers to a fact: imbecile men can never join hands in fellowship, despite near ruin trying. True, eh?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Or, the nowhere-near-perfect man flouts his incisive prejudice against an inherently feebler mind.

Ellie Dent with:
"Witless are safer in tent peein' out; never outside peein' in." - LBJ heard firmly echoing arch Frenchman.

Dharam with:
Since the man herein dies after dining with brainier men, there's never conjecture of pals' foul play?

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - nedesto with:
Harry was finally going to be a groom and he was excited about his upcoming marriage.

As he was leaving the office, Harry noticed his boss was walking over, his large hand outstretched.

"Here here ,Harry, congratulations! Now I just want to tell you that I have been married for thirty years and I am sure that you'll always recall this day with the fondest of memories as the very happiest day of your entire life!" he professed with a wink, a nod, and a heartfelt handshake.

"But sir", spoke Harry, seeming a little confused, "I am not getting married until tomorrow!"

"Yeah, Harry, I know", said his boss.

=

While Charley was at a marriage seminar, everyone was telling how long they'd been married. Charley said that he and his wife had been married for almost fifty years.

"That is so neat!" said the group's leader. "Could you share some of your insights?"

"It's just that I treat my wife well, buy her gifts, take her on trips," Charley answered. "For our twentieth anniversary I took her down to the Bahamas."

"That's such a moving inspiration for us all!" said the leader. "What are you going to do for your next anniversary?" she said.

"Well," said Charley "I'm thinking of going back down to the Bahamas to pick her up."

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE NATION'S FAVOURITE NO. 1 SINGLES (Since charts began).
As voted for by the British public.

10. Can't Get You Out Of My Head
9. I Will Always Love You
8. Dancing Queen
7. Baby One More Time
6. Imagine
5. Hey Jude
4. Don't Look Back In Anger
3. Someone Like You
2. Billie Jean
1. Bohemian Rhapsody.

=

10. Kylie 'I'm bubbly!' Minogue
9. The Whitney Houston 'Bodyguard' tune
8. Abba go gay
7. Britney's erotic schoolgirl video.
6. John Lennon living a dream
5. Beatles in their heyday
4. An Oasis 'anti-fu** off" piece!
3. A so-emotive tune by Adele
2. Michael Jackson moonwalks
1. Queen's operatic No. 1

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Twenty Things You Must Give Up to Be Happy:

1. Complaining
2. Blaming
3. Criticising
4. The need to always be right
5. The need for control
6. The need to impress others
7. Resistance to change
8. Self-defeating negative talk
9. Limiting beliefs
10. Labels
11. Fears
12. Excuses
13. Old emotions
14. Attachment
15. Worrying about what other people think
16. Trying to live to someone else's expectations
17. Procrastinating
18. Gossiping
19. Junk food
20. Bad habits
=
Twenty Suggestions for Gaining Happiness:

1. Patience
2. Tolerance
3. Kindness
4. Growth of knowledge, literacy
5. Forgiveness
6. Compassion
7. Imagination
8. Hospitality
9. Becoming grateful to God
10. Loving others
11. Humor, laughter and delight
12. Objective excitement
13. Hobbies (sew batik, Scrabble)
14. Honest sympathy
15. Music and the arts
16. Upliftment
17. Spontaneity
18. Politeness
19. Exercise, diet for better health
20. Teetotaling (optional)

Ellie Dent with:
HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING:
A truthful guide written for the attention of all mature and busy women everywhere.

1. Do ensure he is fully conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive of his computer, and line the canary's cage with this week's sport review.

3 Be brief, and limit your nagging to two, or three hours max.

=

5. Punish the cranky wretch when he refuses to cooperate. First, microwave his cherished remote
on high for about eighteen minutes. Next, rotate a half-turn and microwave thirty minutes.

6. Favor words as would/will you instead of grumbling, you had better, or do as I say and noone will get hurt.

ASK! Get me?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Top 11 Ways to Stay Ahead of Winter on Your Annual Ski Trip:

11. Hey guys, ditch the unneeded Oxfords and buy slip-on cleats or snowshoes!

10. Dress in an inner layer to retain heat, such as Merino wool.

9. Invest in a good flashlight or headlamp.

8. Use waterproof material, such as genuine Gore-Tex.

7. Before you go on, listen to weather system and snow reports on television.

6. Change the tire traction.

5. Rely on (yes, RELY on) a GPS system to find your destination.

4. Use the "Satski" app.

3. Leave the remote wilderness path well before dark.

2. Check the highway visibility report.

1. In a survival situation, it's best to use nude body heat!

=

Top 11 Reasons to Celebrate Groundhog Day:

11. It's on nearly every calendar.

10. It helps relieve the cabin fever.

9. Spring or not, it's six weeks till St. Urho's Day.

8. The groundhog's forecast is no less reliable than that of the National Weather Service.

7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way!

6. Valentine's Day is too depressing.

5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outdoors.

4. As they used to say on old-time radio: "The Shadow Knows".

3. It's fun to say "Punxsutawney".

2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him!

1. If you happen to live in Minnesota, either way you will come out ahead!

Rosie Perera with:
Hail to the Chief we have chosen for the nation,
Hail to the Chief! We salute him, one and all,
Hail to the Chief, as we pledge cooperation
In proud fulfillment of a great, noble call.

Yours is the aim to make this grand country grander,
This you will do, that's our strong, firm belief.
Hail to the one we selected as commander,
Hail to the President! Hail to the Chief!

=

Hail to Barack Obama!
We the people voted you into the highest office.
Felicitations!
Now fulfill that life call.
Lead our helpless country out of the recession and forward to world domination.
End all the wars, eradicate guns, cure the health care system, reform immigration.
Help this fine nation to meet its high calling.
Hail to the head one.
He-he-he-heh!

Adie Pena with:
Amour, Argo, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Django Unchained, Les Miserables, Life of Pi, Lincoln, Silver Linings Playbook and Zero Dark Thirty
=
I do like and honour all nominees - global firebrands, daring men of grand visions. Who'll joyfully take his 'Best Picture' prize at the Oscars?

Scott Gardner with:
(1) Amour
(2) Argo
(3) Beasts of the Southern Wild
(4) Django Unchained
(5) Les Misérables
(6) Life of Pi
(7) Lincoln
(8) Silver Linings Playbook
(9) Zero Dark Thirty

=

(1) Old French
(2) Out of Iran
(3) Schoolgirl film
(4) Western drama
(5) Valjean book
(6) Youth and tiger
(7) Spielberg history
(8) Seize passion
(9) US kill bin Laden

Ellie Dent with:
SECRETS FROM WOMEN: Untold to Men Till Now.

Never do housework. It is definitely a joke. Best kiss it goodbye! No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotlessly clean.

Remember: you're known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't go imagining that you can legitimately transform a weak and feckless man into a knight; or change him in any way ... unless he is still wearing nappies.

What do you do if your thoughtless, worthless mate foolishly walks out? You slam the door shut.

If they can put one man on the moon, it is time they should be able to put all of them there.

Tell him straight you are really just not his type - you have a pulse.

=

Never let your young man's mind wander - it's too small to be let out alone.

The bachelor: A flirtatious man who's missed the opportunity to make a woman very miserable.

The best way, usually, to get a man to do something is to suggest he's too old.

If he asks what books you are interested in, say 'check-books.'

A man's idea of commitment is: 'I'll stay the night.'

Women sleep with chaps who, if they were women, they wouldn't usually countenance dining with.

Remember, a sense of humour does not imply that you have to tell jolly jokes. No, you laugh loyally and unreservedly at his.

If he happens to ask if you're faking it, tell him; no, no... you're practicing.

Adie Pena with:
The Top Ten Commonly Broken New Year's Resolutions

1. Lose Weight and Get Fit
2. Quit Smoking
3. Learn Something New
4. Eat Healthier and Diet
5. Get Out of Debt and Save Money
6. Spend More Time with Family
7. Travel to New Places
8. Be Less Stressed
9. Volunteer
10. Drink Less

=

Reasons Why Those New Year's Resolutions Are Broken

1. Tempting Deadly Desserts
2. Toilet Smell in the Morning
3. TV Entertainment
4. Vegetables?
5. Budget?! Kids in College!
6. Party Plans
7. No Downtime
8. Latest Memo of the Queen of the House
9. World Activism?!
10. Naked Wife.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Multiculturalism is a body of thought in political philosophy about the proper way to respond to cultural and religious diversity
=
Will population be a holy melting pot of productive pursuit through solidarity, or a brutal madhouse? It's still patchy--your decision!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Naturalization Oath of Allegiance to the United States of America

Oath
"I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state or sovereignty, of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen; that I will support and defend the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I will bear arms on behalf of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform noncombatant service in the armed forces of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform work of national importance under civilian direction when required by the law; and that I take this obligation freely without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; so help me God."
=
The undertaking one willingly subscribes to when offering oneself before a judge as a new citizen has some rather deft features hidden within legal wording.
Not least the neat use of elevated vocabulary no current resident of the country would normally employ.
Definitely quite a lot of stuff about guns, not so much about Iraq or al-Qaeda!
And then there's the matter of employment. Nothing to declare I have a job lined up, or for that matter, a place to stay or medical insurance.
I note there's no place to swear I am neither a crackpot, a terrorist, a zealot, a murderer nor want benefit
It's apolitical (at least non-partisan) and yet at the end I see Christian religion implicit within it. I'd feel it inane if I had to swear all that with a hand on a bible, which inevitably is the intention.
I find it to be verbal diarrhoea. What a way to help achieve a welcome at the home of the free world.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:

To The Evening Rainbow by Robert Southey

Mild arch of promise! On the evening sky
Thou shinest fair with many a lovely ray
Each in the other melting. Much mine eye
Delights to linger on thee; for the day,
Changeful and many-weather'd, seem'd to smile
Flashing brief splendor thro' its clouds awhile,
That deepen'd dark anon and fell in rain:
But pleasant it is now to pause, and view
Thy various tints of frail and watery hue,
And think the storm shall not return again.
Such is the smile that Piety bestows
On the good man's pale cheek, when he in peace
Departing gently from a world of woes,
Anticipates the realm where sorrows cease.

=

The Heat of the Israeli winter

Rain shocks us when we hear that thunder's roar,
Regaling as we watch it plump and pour.
One flood can drench the crops and heal them so,
Our fields will be so pained to see that go:
Yeah, we may feel the odd resplendent spray,
Yet none of them are then too keen to stay.
Great streams in other lands may flow among
Green pine trees, which can then grow thick and strong,
But in my homeland, as a rule of thumb,
Brief showers end, and plants stay mainly numb.
I wish I'd touched one bit of snow, yet I
Inherit these annoying stimuli:
Vile rays of light that pierce me like a shiv,
Veiled in that early fog in Tel Aviv.

eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
An Englishman, a Mexican and an Irishman were carrying out some construction work on scaffolding on the 50th floor of a city skyscraper.

They were just about to eat their lunch, when the Englishman suddenly muttered, "Oh, bloody hell; it's cheese and pickle! If I get sodding cheese and pickle for lunch one more time I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and cried, "Arrgh! It's burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'll jump off, too."

Paddy the Irishman opened his lunch and muttered, "Begorra! It's corned beef and cabbage again. Oi tell ya, if oi get a corned beef and cabbage sandwich one more time, I'm feckin' jumpin' too."

The following day the Englishman opened his lunch, saw cheese and pickle, then wrote a suicide note and leapt straight to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch and saw the burritos and jumped too.

The Irishman opened his lunch, saw the corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Englishman's wife was weeping copiously. She said, "Oh, my poor, poor Trevor; if I'd known how tired he really was of all that cheese and pickle, I'd never have given it to him!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "My poor Pedro, I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I really didn't realize that he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the Irishman�s wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

=

A man walked into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side.

He placed the crocodile up on the bar and, turning to the astonished patrons, he said...

"I am going make you guys an amazing offer. In a minute, I shall open this ferocious brute's jaws and I shall place my manhood inside.

"Then the crocodile will close his mouth for a count of one minute.

"Then I shall make him open his mouth again and I shall remove my unit, uninjured.

"In exchange for witnessing this genuinely mindboggling spectacle, I'd expect a payoff - I expect each of you to buy me a drink of my choice. Deal?"

The crowd cheered in agreement so, in a flash, the man climbed up on the bar, then he dropped his jeans, and inserted his credentials in the crocodile's gaping mouth. The crowd gasped as the croc began closing his huge jaws...

After a seemingly endless minute the man grabbed a beer bottle and cracked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man did indeed remove his privates injury-free, exactly as promised.

The anxious crowd now cheered with relief as the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another announcement... "Ok, I will offer anyone $50 who is willing to give this a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a nervous hand went up in the back of the bar and a blonde woman timidly spoke up...

"I'm willing... just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle, ok?"

Christopher Sturdy with:
There was an old man from Peru,
Who dreamt he was eating a shoe.
He awoke in the night
With a terrible fright
And found it was perfectly true.
=
With a face one would say was sheet-white
In horror he turned on a light;
He ate up the left,
Remarked "I'm bereft"
For a mid-nap gnaw wasn't right!

eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

My missus bought a paperback
In Asda, Saturday.
I had a look inside the bag -
'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed.
An hour later, she appeared
The sight filled me with dread.

In one hand she held a rope,
The other held a whip.
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.

Well, forty-seven years ago
I might have had a peek.
But Doris has not weathered well -
She's sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind, it
Could not be much grimmer.
And things progressed from bad to worse -
She toppled off her Zimmer.

She struggled back up to her feet
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her.

Now if you knew our Doris, you
Would know just why I cringed.
I'd been two months in traction, 'cos
My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit
And, jumping back in fright, I went
And stood on her left tit.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one!"

Well reader, I can tell no more
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.

Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She's head to toe in winceyette
And back to back, we snore.

=

FIFTY SHADES OF RED

Paul Simon sang there must be fifty
Ways to leave your lover;
But I can vouch there's fifty shades
Of red, that's true, oh brother!

It started when my wife barked, "Hey!
You idle piece of shite,
Get outta bed and paint this room,
And do this by tonight!"

It's not my fault I have no job
And she's the one who works,
But doing nowt exhausts the brain
And sleep's my only perk!

But one fierce glare from Brenda makes
A pitbull quake with fear,
So when she barks, "Jump... now!" I answer,
"Right ...how high, my dear?"

I peered up from the sheets and blinked,
"What colour, hon?" I said.
"Do the woodwork white," she snarled,
"The walls I want done red."

And then, when Brenda went to work,
I crashed out of the bed,
Washed, made breakfast, then went out
To get the pot of red.

In the store a helpful chap
Asked if I needed aid,
"Red paint," I answered. "Sure," he grinned,
"... But we stock fifty shades!"

"There's cherry red and claret red:
Rose-red; tomato red;
A crimson red; harsh mailbox red and..."
"Stop! Enough!" I said.

My head was spinning like a top
And my mind boggling too,
So many hues from which to choose,
Ah, just what does one do?

I cannot get this wrong and chance
Incurring Brenda's rage,
And if I do, I guarantee
I wouldn't reach old age.

"Ah, heck... I'll take the lot!" I sighed,
And loaded my car up,
Then hit the high street, sneezed, and hit
The back end of a truck.

Those fifty pots flew out, exploded,
Burst like broken eggs,
The scene was carnage, bedlam, but...
Did I paint that town red!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover

Slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
=
Kinky Ways to Seduce Your Lover

Yes, jump on her butt, Nut
Smack a wet glut, Brute
Loosen some volts, Dolt
Just focus on the pain
Use a neat ploy, Loy
Cuff feet to the bed, Fred
Dispose of the key, Cody
And enjoy her again

Adie Pena with:
New Year's Resolutions
by Mrs. Khan

Just think think think
Of things you can do
To make yourself better
Before the year's through

Resolutions can be tough,
Or simple as can be,
Making resolutions,
Are great for you and me!

So what will you promise,
To help yourself my dear,
Through twenty thirteen
Have a happy new year!

=

Top Ten Commonly Broken New Year's Resolutions

Eat healthy (oh, a diet!);
Lose weight; be fit.
Learn something new.
Kick a smoking habit.

Hurry, honour your debt;
Store your future money.
Run off to a new place.
Spend time with the family.

Stay happy; abhor harsh
Arguing or any stress.
Just go, uh, volunteer.
A-OK, take sherry less.

Dharam Khalsa with:
HIGH is our calling, Friend!--Creative Art
(Whether the instrument of words she use,
Or pencil pregnant with ethereal hues,)
Demands the service of a mind and heart,
Though sensitive, yet, in their weakest part,
Heroically fashioned--to infuse
Faith in the whispers of the lonely Muse,
While the whole world seems adverse to desert.
And, oh! when Nature sinks, as oft she may,
Through long-lived pressure of obscure distress,
Still to be strenuous for the bright reward,
And in the soul admit of no decay,
Brook no continuance of weak-mindedness--
Great is the glory, for the strife is hard!
=
SHAKY is your power, Reid! (see 'Filibuster')
(Whether a handshake, order, or 'offer you can't refuse',
Or torture suffered, or overwhelming abuse,)
We thought you'd draft and administer
Evenhanded law that is less sinister,
Significantly reformed--to introduce
Trust to the victims of highest abuse,
This appears to the foreign minister
As weakness or stalling, unsurpassed!
The hotheads who deadlock by phone never flinch,
In their hollowness show no remorse--
When the high throne is defeated at last,
The chosen need to give them an inch
Will result, at length, in miles reinforced!

Richard Brodie with:
L'An Quarante Cinq, deux Cités bruslent
Par le grand feu d'Atome qu'un Chef décide
D'allumer instantanément par sa rage si
Grande pour une grosse Attaque du Japon.=
The quarrel can render a couple of Japanese cities burned, and man's resultant atomic quantum unequalising grasp
equates to a dreadful danger trend expunged.

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