Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2013


1st - Tony Crafter with:
Report: “UFOs came ~
from outer space!”

2nd - Adie Pena with:
Free Daily Horoscope =
I do foresee... Holy crap!

eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Solitary confinement =
Silent time for any con.

Eq3rd - Julian Lofts with:
The Lourdes miracles =
All his tumors recede

Tyler Severance with:
Garden value best fits ~
fruits and vegetables!

Tyler Severance with:
Seven year tribulation =
Every nation but Israel.

Rosie Perera with:
Seven year tribulation =
Revelation: aye, it burns.

nedesto with:
Tree of Knowledge =
Fewer kneel to God.

Tyler Severance with:
Radioactive isotope =
Easier to avoid topic!

Tyler Severance with:
They arm ~
the army!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Free Daily Horoscope =
Ready? Choose profile.

Rosie Perera with:
Dental surgery'~
s dearly urgent.

Tyler Severance with:
Latent fingerprints =
Ten rings left in part.

Julian Lofts with:
Fashionista =
Oh, fat is a sin!

Meyran Kraus with:
Dark chocolate fondue =
Cooked for a lunch date.

Rosie Perera with:
Spinning out of control =
Confusion, not long trip.

View with:
Ladies ‡
i.e. lads

Julian Lofts with:
Conspiracy theorist ~
actions spy rhetoric.

Mark Huffman with:
My wish =

Dharam Khalsa with:
Equestrian show jumping =
Equine mishap - just wrong!

Tyler Severance with:
My, a male client... ~
call me anytime!

Tyler Severance with:
The active spreading ions gave ~
positive and negative charges!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Many a true word is spoken in jest =
A person needs wit to mask injury.

Tyler Severance with:
Anagrams found ~
far and among us!

Tyler Severance with:
Circumstantial evidence =
I net victim and case, (cruel).

Larry Brash with:
Celebrity Roast =
Bitterly coarse.

Julian Lofts with:
Shopping at a mall ~
Ah, most appalling!

Rosie Perera with:
Any billboard advertising =
No art? I'll drive by a bad sign.

Hans-Peter Reich with:
Advertising space =
Predicates saving.

Tyler Severance with:
Birds sweep ~
spider webs.

Mark Huffman with:
Studying for the boards =
Bored of studying trash.

Mark Huffman with:
Studying for the boards =
Bored of studying trash.

David Bourke with:
Brutality? No need ~
to turn a blind eye.

Julian Lofts with:
Intravenous saline infusion =
Infuse salt anion in our veins

Tyler Severance with:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury ~
only has deferential judgement!

George Sicherman with:
Bakers carry the worst ~
strawberry shortcake!

Tyler Severance with:
The police officers =
Cop life is the force.

Rosie Perera with:
End-of-life discussions =
Loss in suicide offends.

Tyler Severance with:
Moisture in the atmosphere ~
meets theme: oh, it pours rain.

Tyler Severance with:
Christians contrive guarantee of Bible =


Tyler Severance with:
If the chemist noticed ~
The Scientific Method!

Ellie Dent with:
The afternoon siesta =
Onset of a rest in heat.

Scott Gardner with:
Thou shalt not steal =
That lets us loot? Nah.

Richard Grantham with:
A complete waste of time =
Tweet some pic of tamale.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Adventurous =
Used tour van.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The anxious hate ~
heat exhaustion.

Mark Huffman with:
Really enormous appetites =
Sure, portly men also ate pie.

Rick Rothstein with:
Cases of heat exhaustion =
Ah! Hot sex is often a cause.

Scott Gardner with:
Men's antiperspirant =
Present in an arm's pit.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Public speaking =
Gab pick-up lines.

Tyler Severance with:
Surveillance ~
can rule lives.

Tyler Severance with:
Marine Company A =
A camp in one Army!

Rosie Perera with:
A man's trophy wife =
A fine showy tramp.

Tyler Severance with:
Arranging letters =
Glaring arts enter.

George Sicherman with:
Cannot face odd ~
canned cat food.

Tyler Severance with:
Horse drawn carriage =
Oh, cars are rewarding.

Tyler Severance with:
Right? A swan prefers ~
A Freshwater spring.

Tyler Severance with:
Ace, clubs, diamonds, hearts =
The basis could mean cards.

Ivan Andonov with:
I have lots of fear ~
of the Rio favelas.

Rosie Perera with:
Bleeding-heart liberals ~
enabled reliable rights.

Tyler Severance with:
Ancient Chinese proverbs =
Provenance in the scribes.

Ellie Dent with:
Characteristics of a canine =
I can chase cat: cat's inferior!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Occupation =
Coup action.

Scott Gardner with:
The characteristics of a lion =
There's this cool cat in Africa...

Dharam Khalsa with:
Gluten-free food products =
Opted for end of gut ulcers.

Rosie Perera with:
Local anesthesia =
A shot can ease ill.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Climate change deniers ~
maligned earth science.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Love at first sight ~
set rivals to fight.

Tyler Severance with:
One's birthday suit =
'Nude habit' is story.

HSP with:
Sun to help a ~
house plant.

Josiah Winslow with:
A dream in the night ‡
Death in nightmare.


1st - Tony Crafter with:
Walt Disney's animated motion picture 'The Lion King' =
Mildly cute songs, with an opinionated meerkat in it!

2nd - Rick Rothstein with:
The Courier-Mail "newspaper"=
Owner? Rupert.
Aim? Cheap lies.

3rd - nedesto with:
Andrew Lloyd Webber musical The Phantom of the Opera =
French madman woos lady to be pupil below her theatre.

Tyler Severance with:
Guns and Ammo ~
among us. Damn!

Meyran Kraus with:
Tolkien novel 'The Hobbit, or There and Back Again' =
A clever Bilbo had taken The One Ring in that book.

George Sicherman with:
The Beatles' Yellow Submarine =
Why, Blue Meanies'll steer boat!

Tyler Severance with:
United Federation of Planets =
Fine union adopted Starfleet.

David Bourke with:
The Glastonbury festival, Somerset =
Get a marvellous first by the Stones!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Eleanor Rigby =
Yer ignorable

Mark Huffman with:
I enjoy the Jedi in Star Wars =
I detest whiny Jar-Jar noise.

Tyler Severance with:
Theatrical coming as ~
Lights, Camera, ACTION!

Rob Bretveld with:
Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" =
A hit song by "gaydar" laws.

Adie Pena with:
'Architectural Digest' magazines =
Get it! Read such amazing articles!

Rosie Perera with:
The "New World" Symphony in E minor by Antonin Dvorak ‡
A wanly poor, dry work in my mind. No Beethoven's Ninth!

Rosie Perera with:
Dvorak's New World Symphony =
"Spry hands loved my own work."

Wayne Baisley with:
The Adventures Of Robin Hood =
Do unto others? Heaven forbid!

nedesto with:
And so a rival ends ~
Anderson da Silva.

Ellie Dent with:
'Alive: In the Face of Death', Rankin, photographer =
I evoke a forthright approach: a life, then an end.

Adie Pena with:
The pseudonym 'Robert Galbraith' =
But "he" sold big 'Harry Potter' name.

Josiah Winslow with:
Pro Wrestling =
New girl sport.

View with:
The Video Music Awards =
MTV show is a crude idea

Tyler Severance with:
And as the years go by =
Andy ages, he bars toy.

Scott Gardner with:
The Sony Playstation Four =
Plain neat toys for youths.

Ellie Dent with:
A Disney film =
I send family.

George Sicherman with:
Diet for a Small Planet =
All plants formed, I eat.

View with:
'The Wolverine' =
Hero went evil

Scott Gardner with:
The musical West Side Story =
A city slum - there's two sides.

Rosie Perera with:
Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall =
Title by abstinent fellow? No, none here!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Agatha Christie's "Murder on the Orient Express" =
Text got suspense to her reader in his armchair.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Depp as Tonto in movie "The Lone Ranger" =
He's ignorant to modern native people.

Ivan Andonov with:
Billy Wilder's ‘The Apartment’ =
Male party will rent this bed.


1st - nedesto with:
Glee star Cory Monteith is dead =
Actor's demise in hotel tragedy.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
It's a boy for Prince William and Catherine =
British pair welcomed a nice royal infant.

3rd - Dean Mayer with:
One's personal information ~
from NSA's online operation.

Tyler Severance with:
Leaked National Security Agency documents =
Note: Sly guy cracked USA intel data on me. Nice!

Andrew Brehaut with:
Latest Egyptian riots =
Street against polity.

Adie Pena with:
The weather in Death Valley =
Had heat wave. Hell eternity!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The weather in Death Valley =
Warned, the healthy leave it!

Adie Pena with:
Toyota recalls the Yaris =
Too stylish, yet a real car.

Mark Huffman with:
President Mohamed Morsy =
Army responds: "Demote him!"

Rosie Perera with:
Military coup in Egypt amid mass protests =
Morsy out, despite Islamic party stamping.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
President Muhamed Morsi =
Some dump dire me in trash!

Rosie Perera with:
Computer tech inventor Douglas Engelbart dies =
Gent conceived rolling mouse but departs earth.

Ellie Dent with:
Murray battles for Wimbledon supremacy =
Reward for muscle-built sporty man ... maybe?

George Sicherman with:
United States of America Independence Day =
Men defied a tyrant, escaped; ideas continue.

Ellie Dent with:
Museum of Fine Arts, Boston, MA =
Busts of famous men to remain.

Rick Rothstein with:
The Egyptian demonstrations =
O my, not against the President!

Mark Huffman with:
Pro-abortion activists chanted, "Hail, Satan!" =
Anarchic partisans: Devil is hot to nab a tot.

Tony Crafter with:
Charles Saatchi to divorce his wife, Nigella Lawson =
"A sad clash; a wise choice." ('If not, I vow I'll strangle her!')

Ellie Dent with:
Wimbledon Men's Singles Champ. Two Thousand Thirteen =
We should compliment Andrew M. then, as tennis bigshot!

Tony Crafter with:
The Briton (all right... the Scotsman) Andy Murray has won ~
that thorny, hairy Wimbledon grass tournament clash!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Guardian newspapers =
Rap ends huge NSA wiretap.

Julian Lofts with:
Glastonbury's night of the living dead! =
Vintage ADHD Rolling Stones buy fight

Mark Huffman with:
George Zimmerman's trial ends =
Armed man energizes grim lots?

nedesto with:
George Zimmerman was acquitted in Orlando, Florida =
Drama elegizing a sad cold requiem to Martin, for now.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Jury finds George Zimmerman not guilty on all counts =
Girl-only courtroom finalizes judgment: gun amnesty.

Mark Huffman with:
Glee star is found dead =
Fatigued, role ends. Sad.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
George Zimmerman =
Grim geezer 'n' ammo

Julian Lofts with:
Edward Snowden emigrates to Russia =
US was to dread "snowed in" star émigré.

Ellie Dent with:
A heat wave hits United Kingdom =
Think: Avoid sun - get me a wide hat!

Rosie Perera with:
Response to the Zimmerman verdict =
Most zero-minds: "Prevent hate crime!"

Julian Lofts with:
Putin happy to plumb new depths in Baltic Sea =
PIn-up potentate in bathyscaphe plumbs wild.

Rosie Perera with:
Detroit files for bankruptcy =
Report finds fault: city broke.

Rosie Perera with:
Detroit files for bankruptcy =
Report of debt sunk frail city.

Rob Bretveld with:
A rotten trial, and many grieve for ~
Florida teenager Trayvon Martin.

Rick Rothstein with:
Detroit declares bankruptcy =
Bad credit... seek, try court plan.

Rick Rothstein with:
Detroit declares bankruptcy =
Broke.. study credit plan, react.

View with:
Justice for Trayvon ~
if vote's contra-jury.

Julian Lofts with:
Costa Concordia trial opens amid victims' anger =
Victims die - accidental or captain a gross moron?

Rosie Perera with:
Pregnant Duchess of Cambridge goes into labour =
Urgent phase; doctors found regal babe is coming!

Meyran Kraus with:
Duchess Catherine gives birth to heir =
The British voice sighs and true cheer!

Jason Lofts with:
Lanky Chris Froome wins amazing Tour de France =
He zooms! Winner cyclist a fair man - no drug faker.

Rosie Perera with:
The royal baby is announced =
And learn it's a bouncy boy, eh?

Scott Gardner with:
William and Catherine Mountbatten-Windsor =
Drew tabloids in with marital announcement.

Adie Pena with:
The royal infant son ~
is a lot for the nanny.

Tyler Severance with:
Edward Snowden has the papers to enter Russia now =
US worried he hands new NSA data to present powers.

Mark Huffman with:
Democrat Anthony Weiner is "Carlos Danger" =
Chronic liar: "Want to see my rear end, gonads?"

Scott Gardner with:
The Prince of Cambridge =
Catch of prime breeding!

Scott Gardner with:
William and Catherine Mountbatten-Windsor =
Britain must now end wait to learn child name.

Dharam Khalsa with:
His Royal Highness Prince George of Cambridge =
As he's born facing child's rhyme "Georgie, Porgie..."

Scott Gardner with:
Kate and Wills =
New kids at all?


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
South African president Mandela =
"Let's condemn apartheid as unfair!"

2nd - nedesto with:
Egyptian President Mohamed Morsi =
He got imprisoned in army stampede.

3rd - Scott Gardner with:
Anthony Weiner =
Hey, a winner... NOT!

Adie Pena with:
The Egyptian President Morsi =
Empty spirit. The end is near. Go!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Representative Louise Slaughter =
A voter's peer in the US Legislature

Adie Pena with:
Adly Mansour ‡
An auld Morsy!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Douglas Carl Engelbart =
Cursor ball gadget elan.

Larry Brash with:
President Mohamed Mursi =
Means rioters dumped him.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Douglas "Doug" Carl Engelbart =
Gadget glued cursor on a ball

Ellie Dent with:
Mursi ~
is rum.

View with:
Nelson Mandela =
End as all men, no?

Mark Huffman with:
Saint John Paul II =
I join alphas' unit.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Mr Julian Paul Assange =
Man argues US jail plan.

View with:
Mohamed ElBaradei =
Mob, I am head leader

View with:
Terry Dewayne Smith =
A weird mystery, then

Adie Pena with:
Albert DeSalvo ‡
Absolved later.

Rosie Perera with:
The pseudonym 'Robert Galbraith' ~
begot Harry Potter and is humble.

Tyler Severance with:
William Tecumseh Sherman =
I will assume the men march?!

Josiah Winslow with:
William Henry Gates =
Wealthy, rising male.

Tyler Severance with:
Charlie Sheen wins =
He nails her, winces.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Johnny Weismuller =
He'll enjoy swim run

Rosie Perera with:
Journalist Helen Thomas =
Major hellion, she taunts.

Dharam Khalsa with:
White House press correspondent Helen Thomas =
Ooh, short temper! Hush now, rest in endless peace.

Julian Lofts with:
Captain Francesco Schettino =
Inept con chicanes a raft. Cost?

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Prince of Cambridge ~
graced men of epic birth

Ellie Dent with:
The Royal baby: George Alexander Louis =
Is a hardy, bygone age, ex-ruler label too.

Rosie Perera with:
George Alexander Louis Mountbatten-Windsor =
Newborn gets a good name (deluxe sort) in ritual.

Ivan Andonov with:
The Special One =
Poet in Chelsea

Tony Crafter with:
Prince George Alexander Louis Mountbatten-Windsor =
Wide plan: Cambridges' son to rule our next generation?

Julian Lofts with:
Dr. Gunther von Hagens, plastinator =
Oh a stunt! Pervert handling organs!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Prince George Alexander Louis Mountbatten-Windsor =
On a rung so to reign, but an end to William Rex precedes

nedesto with:
HRH the Prince of Cambridge, George Alexander Louis =
Fresh cool monarch bearing a right deluxe pedigree.

Adie Pena with:
George Alexander Louis, the Prince =
O, I do expect an eager English ruler!

Mark Huffman with:
Huma Abedin stands by man =
Adamant hubby amends sin.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Prince George Alexander Louis Mountbatten-Windsor =
Rung I come in on as peer is next but two on regal ladder

Ellie Dent with:
George Alexander Louis Mountbatten-Windsor =
Gorgeous newborn rated smile and exultation!

Rick Rothstein with:
Who's Catherine Middleton? ~
A new mother (child is noted).

Tyler Severance with:
Prince George Alexander Louis Mountbatten-Windsor =
New born mustered in glorious and regal expectation.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Prince George Alexander Louis Mountbatten-Windsor =
Great welcome exuberant Londoners put in is adoring

Adie Pena with:
George Alexander Louis =
Good lineage. A rex rules.

Ellie with:
Prince George Alexander Louis Mountbatten-Windsor =
Ponderin' an old crown name? Relax... substitute Georgie!


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The American fast food giant McDonalds =
Digest a ton of fat and random chemicals.

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
The Royal House of Windsor =
A history of ones who ruled.

3rd - Larry Brash with:
DSM-V Classification of Mental Disorders =
Format divides sorts of clinical madness.

nedesto with:
Death Valley National Park =
Path to a very alkaline land.

Tyler Severance with:
The National Park Service =
To preserve a canal, I think.

Tyler Severance with:
Department of Treasury =
True traders of payment.

View with:
Listerine as mouthwash =
How that insures a smile!

Scott Gardner with:
War of Independence =
Epic end, and now free

Rick Rothstein with:
The Islamist movement =
I've met Moslems in that.

Tyler Severance with:
The United States military academy West Point =
Admittance with its
Medals yet?

View with:
First-hand updates =
Pundit's fresh data

Larry Brash with:
Borderline Personality Disorder =
Irritably depressed indoor loner.

Mark Huffman with:
Secretary of Defense =
Yes, enforce draftees.

Adie Pena with:
Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries =
Expect apt returns from the oil oozing out in a region!

Andrew Brehaut with:
Guernsey: The Channel Islands =
The Census: "...and nearly English."

View with:
The Harvard University =
Naive truth is - very hard!

Mark Huffman with:
Luby's Cafeteria =
Bacteria? Flu? Yes.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Department of Corrections =
It pretends to teach con reform

Richard Grantham with:
The Courier-Mail (News Limited) =
Media write their lie-columns.

Rosie Perera with:
Consumer Financial Protection Bureau =
Curb speculation on fortune in America.

Tony Crafter with:
African violet ‡
Inactive flora!

Scott Gardner with:
The Sony Playstation Four =
So pleasant for tiny youth.

Tyler Severance with:
The United States Secret Service =
Sensitive, secure, detect threats.

Scott Gardner with:
The Sony Playstation Four =
Fun party toy - shoot aliens!

Rosie Perera with:
The United States Secret Service =
Their astuteness deters vice, etc.

Larry Brash with:
Cascading style sheets =
Test each classy design.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Oxford, the city of dreaming spires =
City's a home for frigid expert dons.

Rosie Perera with:
Talented men wrote ~
"Real men don't tweet."

Tyler Severance with:
The National Weather Service forecasted ~
rain threat, ice, snow, severe heat, cold fate.

View with:
A Chevrolet Impala =
Me? I'll have a top car!

Rosie Perera with:
The CDC's Vessel Sanitation Program =
A verdict meant to clean gross ships.

Ellie Dent with:
Famous art in oils? =
Fits our Mona Lisa!

Tyler Severance with:
Speed Stick deodorant =
Aid scent, stop odd reek.

Ellie Dent with:
The Amur (Siberian) Tiger =
Imagine this rare brute!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
St. Mary's Hospital, London =
Lindo's past month's royal

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Dominican Republic =
Herbicide uncompliant.

Scott Gardner with:
The Eurasian wolf =
I hunt for a weasel.

George Sicherman with:
Microsoft Internet Explorer =
Most error-prone; life extinct.

Josiah Winslow with:
The Sony Playstation Four =
Fun toy to astonish player.


1st - nedesto with:
The Signs of the Ecliptic:

1. Aries
2. Taurus
3. Gemini
4. Cancer
5. Leo
6. Virgo
7. Libra
8. Scorpio
9. Sagittarius
10. Capricornus
11. Aquarius
12. Pisces
1. Ram
2. Steer
3. Pair
4. Carcinogenic
5. Big cat purrs
6. Ice-girl is virtuous
7. Scale
8. Poisonous
9. Centaur
10. Quasi-goat
11. Pitcher
12. Fishies sail

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
1. Cheerful
2. Neat
3. Tolerant
4. Tender bedfellow
5. Spiritual
6. Tough, but...
7. Agrees wife is boss!
1. Beautiful
2. Responsible
3. Energetic
4. Adorable
5. Sweet
6. Truthful
7. Self-organised

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
A local US network read these 4 fake pilot names from a crashed Asiana flight: Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk and Bang Ding Ow.
Later, the anchorman listed 4 fellows on staff who are culpable for the gag: Sum Dam Gai, Dang Wee Suk, No Ai Kiu and Kwi Ting Soon.

Rosie Perera with:
Leaked NSA Documents Show How U.S. Is Bugging European Allies =
Suggests Cold War phobia - a genuine one. Whose idea?! Numskulls!

David Bourke with:
The Rolling Stones headlining at the Glastonbury Festival =
Older at last (seventy-ish!), but all in fine health, going strong.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Purchasing Independence Day fireworks at Wal-mart =
It's awkward: Free USA grimly dependent on China crap!

Dharam Khalsa with:
George Orwell:
"War is Peace
Freedom is Slavery
Ignorance is Strength"
Note worse dangers:
Fame is Power
Anger is Chivalry
College is Regret

Mark Huffman with:
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
Though odd, I giggle every time I read this silly, babbling verse, well aware that the mad, batty words are thombomm nonsense.

Jason Lofts with:
Police: After having sex with same horse again, man pleads guilty =
Hipposexaholic guy's last viewed in flagrante - he's mating a mare!

Adie Pena with:
1. Henry Cavill
2. Christopher Reeve
3. Dean Cain
4. Tom Welling
5. Brandon Routh
6. Kirk Alyn
1. Caped "Steel" pro (he's my chum now!)
2. High bravery in "I" to "IV"
3. Caped "Tanaka"*
4. "Smallville" renown
5. Hardy hero "...Returns"**
6. "Clark" No. One***

Rosie Perera with:
"Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn." (Benjamin Franklin)
Men, chant: "Let me join in a model regimen, and I'll embark, a driven nimble fan, ever after."

Jason Lofts with:
Epic KTVU Fail: Anchor reports Asiana pilot names were "Sum Ting Wong" and "Wi Tu Lo" =
Wait, I got a load wrong! Unhappiness over fake nomenclature. Racist insult, wimp!

View with:
Boston Marathon bombing suspect on the cover of Rolling Stone =
Tsarnaev photo chosen in oblong front becomes most troubling.

Julian Lofts with:
Woman dies while riding giant roller coaster at Six Flags Over Texas amusement park in Arlington =
"Fun" ride catastrophe kills woman and angers all. Relatives are examining existing rig/motor tows.

Tyler Severance with:
General, entertainment, topical, medium, peoples names, other names, challenge, long, rude, special nomination
in a nutshell, hence nil log; ten anagram placement categories apportioned, immense to small, pioneered menu!

Rosie Perera with:
If you can't think of anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. =
Notion: Ditch any iffy, tough, nasty talking that can easily annoy.

Julian Lofts with:
ABC news reader Siobhan Riley accidentally draws penis =
Abashed reader innocently scrawls a spicily bad wiener.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Prince George Alexander Louis Mountbatten-Windsor =
Next but two in regal line, so I reproduce name so grand

Josiah Winslow with:
The Prince George Alexander Louis Mountbatten-Windsor =
An excellent, good European newborn I trust is made right.

Ellie with:
A man brings a dog into a crowded nightclub. That
dog's amazing on the piano! He hammers out the music,
some hip band, when a
big dog comes in unannounced, dragging him out.
A barman: 'What happened?'
'That is Hazel, his mom. She wants him to be a doctor.'


1st - Tony Crafter with:
Development you predicted in Kassner case has come unexpectedly. Please return immediately
Am a lone maid on Orient Express. Red-eyed, Can't sleep.

Cheer me up, detective?

Lusty Lucy

PS: I'm naked

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Development you predicted in Kassner case has come unexpectedly. Please return immediately."
Meet me Tuesday
Unlocked evidence
Ratchett is
Doomed - a menace in
Express Line
Reply, plus pray!

3rd - Adie Pena with:
"Development you predicted in Kassner case has come unexpectedly. Please return immediately."
Or the
Real clues
Empty mind.
X can mark spot;
See ya, dunce!

Meyran Kraus with:
"I'm a sexy UK model interested in older and plump detectives. Can you see me, perchance? Please try!"

Meyran Kraus with:
"Orient Express made pancake piles.
Detective really needed to consume them.
May include syrup."

Jason Lofts with:
I'm speedy sexual deviant. I'm repeatedly recommended. Hercules, escape Constantinople, Turkey!

Tony Crafter with:
Send men speedily, detective: You can espy Murder On The Orient Express take place!

'Call A Medium'

Jason Lofts with:
(Decrypted) Lo! Seven nerds needed sexual intimacy, my luck! Hurt! Enema time! Please, Poirot, escape!

View with:
Murder on the Orient Express! Panic. My tally - police needs a key-suspect. Dead male - mute evidence.

Dharam Khalsa with:
I secretly peeped in city keyholes, eavesdropped on men in tandem sexual acts, met a murder clue.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Postpone tour - I need key evidence/clues analysed, expect murder, name Ratchet (misspell?) may die.

Jason Lofts with:
Deeply premeditated sexual advances in Turkey. Mostly men. Men? Hercule Poirot, I'd escape scene!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Acted on clue and hid it expertly up my panties. Need a peek? Seduce me, lover! Miss Lemon, Secretary

Mark Huffman with:
(Encrypted) Men! Lads! See, in every supreme detail, these plump, demure exotic Tokyo ladies can-can!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Postpone tour - I may need key evidence/clues analysed; I expect murder, name Ratchet (misspelled?)

nedesto with:
You've exceeded the time limit on Drunk Capers: Sinners Act Completely Nude! Please remedy ASAP.

David Bourke with:
My Polly died. Deceased. Time is entirely up, maker
met. An ex-parrot. No pulse...she can't even succeed!

Josiah Winslow with:
I've aimed to extract spy clues I needed. Send me my escape plan, unseen, or they'd capture or kill me.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Meet me. I'll explain in secret codes, as I hear NSA could preempt and use every key-typed document.

Julian Lofts with:
Detective, my sexy nipples can aid your rock hard penis. Do let us meet near Le Petel. Seduce me, man!

Jason Lofts with:
Acute topics: Humped Anne claims alimony's depleted. Mercy needed. Leave Turkey - Orient Express!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Dilemma: Could Poirot cancel a plan, redeem his unused express ticket, yet even deepen a mystery?

Ellie Dent with:
Meet me and stay.
Your presence can help me
Sleep, solve riddle and cut
Time. I
Expect a

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Need detective, my expense. Anonymous male purchased one crumpled rail sleeper ticket; it's day!?"

Meyran Kraus with:
Tipsy Hercule: Expected your ample love-lance. Darn, it's deep... I'm tamed.

Seek me,
Countess Andrenyi

Christopher Sturdy with:
Deep, plucky little man may solve Murder on the Orient Express yet accused I name in deed escape.


1st - Tony Crafter with:
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, had stood facing each other in the park.

Then one day, an angel descended from heaven and announced to them: "You've been such exemplary statues that I propose to give you a special gift. So..." he added, "I shall bring you to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want to."

Then, with a clap of his hands, the angel brought them to life.

The two statues approached each other in a shy-looking manner at first, and then made a quick dash for the bushes, from which there came a good deal of giggling and chuckling and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues reappeared from the bushes, each with wide grins across their faces.

"You still have fifteen minutes more," the angel reported, winking at them conspiratorially.

With an even wider grin, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Quick! Let's do it once more then!

Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head."


A Scots Guardsman attired in full dress uniform went marching into a chemist's shop.

At the counter, he lifted his sporran, eased out a neatly folded cotton bandana and carefully unfolded it to reveal a small, square silk handkerchief, which he unwrapped to reveal a saggy condom with a number of patches on it.

"Good grief," said the chemist, gingerly eyeing the grotesque item.

"I'll not haggle wi' ye," said the man; "how much ta repair it?"

"Fifteen pence," replied the chemist.

"How much ta buy a new one?"

"Twenty-one pence."

The Scotsman painstakingly refolded the condom into the silk handkerchief and the cotton bandana, put it safely under his sporran then turned and, looking stiffly ahead, marched out the exit.

After a minute, the chemist heard a huge shout of "Och aye!" go up outside, followed by a riotous, even bigger shout of "Yahoo!"

The door opened and the Scotsman strode into the shop again, this time with a huge grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he said...
"We'll have a new one."

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
The Goodtimes Email Virus

Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any
disks that are even close to your PC.

It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so that all your ice cream goes melty.

It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, also screw up your television
and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any of the CD's you try to play.

It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number.

It will mix Kool-aid into that fishtank of yours.

It will drink all your beer, and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there is
company coming over.

It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants, and hide your
car keys when you are late for work.

It will even give you nightmares about the circus clowns.

It will: pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows,
while dating your girlfriend behind your back;


bill your curry dinner to your current bank card.

It will seduce your rich grandmother. Even if she's dead. Such is the power
of Goodtimes.

It's toxic, simply terrifying: it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those
we currently hold dear.

It will lurk around parking lots, only to move your car so you can't find it.

It will kick your tabby cat ... for nothing.

It will regularly leave messages, the crudely inappropriate sort, on your work
boss's voice mail ... in your voice!

It's crazy, dangerous and terrifying. It is also a particularly interesting shade
of pink.

Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.

It's insidious and subtle. It will leave the toilet seat up.

It will make a toxic batch of Methamphetamine in a bathtub; leave bacon to fry,
wrecking your cooker; while it goes out to chase after and well, terrify some folk,
top grade schoolers, with your funky new snow blower.

That's all now.


3rd - Jason Lofts with:
Here are my favourite ten plus one memorable black female singers and recording artists:

1. Tina Turner
2. Whitney Houston
3. Gladys Knight
4. Aretha Franklin
5. Diana Ross
6. Ella Fitzgerald
7. Lena Horne
8. Dionne Warwick
9. Dinah Washington
10. Mahalia Jackson
11. Bessie Smith



1. Swindler Ike hit her
2. Fallen, fatal drug overdose news
3. 'Midnight Train to Georgia'
4. 'Nessun Dorma' in Italian
5. and the Supremes
6. aka First Lady of Song
7. She's an 'I Got Rhythm' baby!
8. Her real name’s Warrick
9. On a roll – winner at nineteen
10. Michaela Jacko?
11. Hits: 'Suzanne'…

Dean Mayer with:
Top ten male gay icons:
1. Elton John
2. Freddie Mercury
3. Stephen Fry
4. George Michael
5. Oscar Wilde
6. Will Young
7. Alan Carr
8. Paul O’Grady
9. Boy George
10. David Beckham


1. Joy on piano
2. AIDS did him
3. Giggly bachelor
4. Cum swallower
5. Really camp rebel
6. He recorded er, er, er.....
7. Giggle attack
8. Not funny
9. On heavy drugs (peace, man)
10. Footy

Adie Pena with:
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they finished unpacking and were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, try putting these on."

She put them on and the waist was practically double the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said.

"That's right,'' said the big fat husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." ~

A good bedroom showdown began. The target? Her hubby!

Unintimidated and with seriousness, she threw her underwear towards him and said, "Go try these on!"

Her paunchy husband tried and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Jesus," he sniffed. ''Even if I tried...impossible! I...I can't get into your panties, honey!"

Impassioned, his wife burst with her razor-sharp tongue, "That's right, Mister, and that's the it way will stay until your grubby attitude changes!"

Jason Lofts with:
Memorable female singers and recording artists - here are my favourite ten plus one:

1. Tina Turner
2. Whitney Houston
3. Gladys Knight
4. Aretha Franklin
5. Diana Ross
6. Ella Fitzgerald
7. Lena Horne
8. Dionne Warwick
9. Dinah Washington
10. Mahalia Jackson
11. Bessie Smith


1. Swindler Ike hit her
2. Fallen, fatal drug overdose news
3. 'Midnight Train to Georgia'
4. 'Nessun Dorma' in Italian
5. and the Supremes
6. aka First Lady of Song
7. She's an 'I Got Rhythm' baby!
8. Her real name's Warrick
9. On a roll – winner at nineteen
10. Michaela Jacko?
11. Hits: 'Suzanne'…

Julian Lofts with:
World's most disgusting and germy foods. Even rich first-rate master chefs will vomit or concede defeat:

1. Hakarl (Iceland)
2. Durian (Southeast Asia)
3. Airag (Mongolia)
4. Balut (Philippines)
5. Kopi Luwak (Sumatra)
6. Dende oil (Brazil)
7. Casu marzu (Sardinia)

1. Putrid uriniferous (ammonia) shark in sand - Anthony Bourdain tasted and fears it
2. Bizarre pigshit odour in Laos
3. Alcoholic mare's milk swill
4. Fertilized duck eggs (sad)
5. Wild palm civet faeces
6. Armpit/anus sweat odour
7. A maggot larval cheese

Dharam Khalsa with:
Supplements in wolves' diet:

Ground squirrels
Voles and other rodents
Massive conquests:

Swimming mallards
White-tailed deer
Robust sheep
Tremendous oxen
Trespassers, for dessert!

Mey K. with:

The Top Ten Comedy Films According To IMDb.com:

1. City Lights
2. Modern Times
3. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
4. Intouchables
5. Life Is Beautiful
6. Back to the Future
7. The Great Dictator
8. Toy Story 3
9. Le fabuleux destin d'Amelie Poulain
10. Singin' in the Rain


1. Chaplin tends to blind girl
2. Him too, deriding our automated society
3. Extreme nuclear stuff
4. Caregiver bonds with employer
5. Boy sent to the ghetto
6. Boy time-travels
7. Chaplin imitates Hitler
8. 3-D debut of our doll Woody
9. Romantics in France
10. Musical about the beginning of talkies.


1st - Meyran Kraus with:

Sonnet XCVI by William Shakespeare

Some say thy fault is youth, some wantonness;
Some say thy grace is youth and gentle sport;
Both grace and faults are lov'd of more and less:
Thou mak'st faults graces that to thee resort.
As on the finger of a throned queen
The basest jewel will be well esteem'd,
So are those errors that in thee are seen
To truths translated, and for true things deem'd.
How many lambs might the stern wolf betray,
If like a lamb he could his looks translate!
How many gazers mightst thou lead away,
If thou wouldst use the strength of all thy state!
But do not so; I love thee in such sort,
As, thou being mine, mine is thy good report.


That Next Stage After Death

How shall a slothful soul dodge Satan's fires?
A great asylum must be Heaven's gates
Though, when it's vying for those robes and lyres,
There is an urge to right those broken traits.
So how impure its many flaws may seem there?
A lot of pride won't ease the sky's blind forum;
Unshaken avarice snares no fans either -
But holy diligence does, with that quorum;
And zero moderation angers it:
The Holy Court destroys those that are loathsome.
No way to charm its eyeless staff with wit;
It lets no glutton eye that gentlest blossom.
Just follow modestly, be meek and humble
To reach that peace - and not Hell's noted rumbles.

2nd - Jason Lofts with:


Wie jede Blüte welkt und jede Jugend
Dem Alter weicht, blüht jede Lebensstufe,
Blüht jede Weisheit auch und jede Tugend
Zu ihrer Zeit und darf nicht ewig dauern.
Es muss das Herz bei jedem Lebensrufe
Bereit zum Abschied sein und Neubeginne,
Um sich in Tapferkeit und ohne Trauern
In andre, neue Bindungen zu geben.
Und jedem Anfang wohnt ein Zauber inne,
Der uns beschützt und der uns hilft, zu leben.

Wir sollen heiter Raum um Raum durchschreiten,
An keinem wie an einer Heimat hängen,
Der Weltgeist will nicht fesseln uns und engen,
Er will uns Stuf' um Stufe heben, weiten.
Kaum sind wir heimisch einem Lebenskrise
Und traulich eingewohnt, so droht Erschlaffen,
Nur wer bereit zu Aufbruch ist und Reise,
Mag lähmender Gewöhnung sich entraffen.

Es wird vielleicht auch noch die Todesstunde
Uns neuen Räumen jung entgegen senden,
Des Lebens Ruf an uns wird niemals enden...
Wohlan denn, Herz, nimm Abschied und gesunde!

Hermann Hesse


Für immer so, nach oben

Blumen wurden welk und faul, wir junge Burschen
Wurden älter. Und fest im Leben stehend
Wiesen sie gute Eigenschaften auf,
'ne Zeit lang in Fülle, jedoch nicht für immer.
Sei beherzt, jedem ruft das Leben zu:
Bitte verabschieden, um neu zu beginnen.
Kühn und nicht traurig begeben
Wir uns in andere, neuartige Richtungen.
Und über jede Phase weht eine Hand,
Die uns das Leben untermauert. Fleht euch an!

Während wir durch's Zimmer gehen,
Soll kein Mensch aus Unwissen was machen!
Die geistige Welt engt und bindet uns - nein -
Eher uns fall- und stufenweise zu erheben.
Kriselt’s im Leben, sind wir manchmal zu stumm,
Einschlafen ist just Drohung und daher wende ab!
Jedweder, der zum Reisen aufbricht,
Kann sich leidigen Gewohnheiten entziehen.

Echte Mühe bereitet uns nur die Stunde des Todes,
Sendet uns Jungen in neue Zimmer.
Endlich ruft uns das Leben, nie endend...
Auf dein Wohl, Herr! Ade! Juhu, werde heil und gesund!

Jason Lofts

3rd - Adie Pena with:
by Langston Hughes

This is for the kids who die,
Black and white,
For kids will die certainly.
The old and rich will live on awhile,
As always,
Eating blood and gold,
Letting kids die.

Kids will die in the swamps of Mississippi
Organizing sharecroppers
Kids will die in the streets of Chicago
Organizing workers
Kids will die in the orange groves of California
Telling others to get together
Whites and Filipinos,
Negroes and Mexicans,
All kinds of kids will die
Who don’t believe in lies, and bribes, and contentment
And a lousy peace.

Of course, the wise and the learned
Who pen editorials in the papers,
And the gentlemen with Dr. in front of their names
White and black,
Who make surveys and write books
Will live on weaving words to smother the kids who die,
And the sleazy courts,
And the bribe-reaching police,
And the blood-loving generals,
And the money-loving preachers
Will all raise their hands against the kids who die,
Beating them with laws and clubs and bayonets and bullets
To frighten the people—
For the kids who die are like iron in the blood of the people—
And the old and rich don’t want the people
To taste the iron of the kids who die,
Don’t want the people to get wise to their own power,
To believe an Angelo Herndon, or even get together

Listen, kids who die—
Maybe, now, there will be no monument for you
Except in our hearts
Maybe your bodies’ll be lost in a swamp
Or a prison grave, or the potter’s field,
Or the rivers where you’re drowned like Leibknecht
But the day will come—
Your are sure yourselves that it is coming—
When the marching feet of the masses
Will raise for you a living monument of love,
And joy, and laughter,
And black hands and white hands clasped as one,
And a song that reaches the sky—
The song of the life triumphant
Through the kids who die.


(for the family of Trayvon Martin)
by Tara Skurtu

This poem wants to write itself backwards.
Wishes it were born memory instead, skipping

time like a record needle stuck on the line
of your last second. You sit up. Brush not blood,

but dirt from your chest. You sit up. You're in bed.
Bad dream. Back to sleep. You sit up. Rise and shine.

Good morning. This is the poem of a people united
in the uniform of your last day. Pockets full

of candy, hooded sweatshirt, sweet tea. This poem
wants to stand its ground, silence force

with simple words, pray you alive, anyone's
son -- tall boy, eye-smile, walk on home.


What do the investigative reporters in newspapers know?

Who at the Dr. Michael M. Krop High School wrote W.T.F. on a wall?
Enlightening? So what!
The Miami-Dade School Police Department handled the odd screwdriver?
Hid the marijuana in the bag? Withheld the exhibit?

Does Seven-Eleven sell bags of Skittles and cans of Arizona Iced Tea?
Where is the Retreat at Twin Lakes?
Who dwells in that loved gated neighborhood wonderland?

Harsh killing: Black male teen wearing a dark colored hoodie
On top of the Hispanic person in the drizzling rain?
Who was shrieking for help? Not a case of self-defense?

What do the investigative newshens in broadsheets know?

Swirling rhetoric on hand. Legal gobbledegook highlighted in indelible ink.
Exchanging lenghthened tales and theories.
Breeding, engendering hate within.

Like his Facebook page now. He'll hold the hollowed protests.
Shed the allegations of racial bias -- even when wanted.

The hoodie, the trigger.
The spic, the nigger
Lived in intelligible world headlines.
In all likelihood, libelled in interviews.

What do investigative writers in tabloids know?

Saddened, I do think.
Old dark world.
And in the end, where is Hell?
Ellie Dent with:
The Super Salesman

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a an upmarket department store in Indianapolis. It was one of those stores that has every department imaginable. In fact, it was possibly the biggest store in the whole wide world. You could get almost everything you can imagine in that particular shopping emporium.

The boss asked him, 'Firstly, have you ever been hired as a salesman before?' 'Yes, indeed I have. I was a salesman in the country,' said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, 'Right. You can start tomorrow morning, the sixth, and I will come and see you when we finish work and close up.'

When the boss looked up the young man the next day at closing time, he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and asked, 'Well, that looked good! And how many sales did you make today?' 'That was the only one,' said the young salesman. 'Only one!?!' blurted the boss. 'Most of my staff make twenty or thirty sales each day. You will have to do much better than that, son ! Well, how much was it worth, then, this single sale?'

'Two hundred and twenty seven thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars ... plus change,' said the young man.

The boss paused for a moment, blinking a few times. 'H... H... How on earth did you manage that?!?'


'Well, when the guy came in this morning, and I sold him a small fish hook. Then a really large hook. Then I sold him a little fishing line ... then a larger one. I then sold him a spear-gun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, coolers, and a keg of beer.

I asked him where he was planning to go fishing, and he said down the coast. We thought that he'd probably need a new boat, and so I took him to buy the 'Europe' schooner, a twenty-foot, twin engine type.

But he said his Volkswagen wouldn't possibly be able to pull that, so then I took him swiftly to the car department and demonstrated a marvelous new investment, a Supreme Deluxe Cruiser with a storage rack, rustproofing, and a fridge as standard. And sold it to him. Oh, and some contemporary, heavy-duty floor mats.'

The boss, astounded, stepped smartly back, and said 'My my! Pretty damn impressive, I must say! You sold all that, unwarranted, to someone who only came in for a fish hook?'

'No,' answered the salesman. 'Truth is, he came in to buy a navy blanket.'

'What? He wanted a navy blanket? Why?'

'An extra one ... for the couch in the study. He admitted he was stressed. Seems that he'd just that day had a massive argument with his wife, and he had to sleep on the lumpy couch.

I said, 'Oh well, it seems that your weekend's ruined anyway, so you may as well go fishing...'

Dharam Khalsa with:
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
It's daytime and the wee young lamb
Delights over the brambles;
Overtired is the big grey ram,
That long wool wad in shambles.

Tony Crafter with:
A small zoo in Georgia obtained a rare species of gorilla. After a few days the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examining her, the vet determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

While pondering the problem, the zoo keeper suddenly thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck casual-worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed considerable ability to satisfy a female of any species. The zoo keeper thought they might have the solution.

Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for five hundred dollars?

Bobby Lee showed interest, but said he'd have to think things over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First," Bobby Lee said, "I'm not gonna kiss her on the lips." The keeper quickly agreed to this.

"Second," he said, "She's gotta wear a 'Grand Ole Opry Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper agreed.

"Third," he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper agreed to this condition also.

"Fourth," "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again this was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said...

"I'll need another week to come up with the five hundred dollars."


Belle and her friend Debbie were visiting a small, private zoo in Georgia.

After looking around for a while, they decided to sit on a seat to eat the packed lunches they'd brought along.

They were sitting opposite a large, African silverback gorilla's enclosure at the time and the two women couldn't help but notice how the big gorilla was looking at them all the time and licking its lips hungrily.

"I feel really bad about eating in front of that poor gorilla when he is obviously starving," said Belle; "so I think I'll give him some of my sandwiches."

"Please do be careful," retorted Debbie, "that is a seriously moody looking ape."

Belle laughed off her friend's protests as she went over to the enclosure and then proceeded to poke a cheese sandwich between the bars.

Immediately, the gorilla grabbed Belle's hand, yanked her over the fence, and carried her off, kicking and screaming, to a spot between the trees. There, he proceeded to ravish and make passionate love to her for about two hours until the ape was finally tranquilized by a member of the zoo's staff, and Belle was taken to hospital.

The following day, a deeply concerned Debbie went to visit her pal. "Oh, Belle, I was really sorry to see what happened to you; so horrible! Are you hurt?" she asked.

"Am I hurt? Of course I'm hurt!" sobbed Belle; "he hasn't texted, he hasn't phoned..."

Tony Crafter with:
Yours Truly

Every Friday, me, Alec and Neville
Meet at a café called 'Old Copper Kettle',
Where they serve the best fry-ups with mugs of hot tea,
We've done this for forty-five years, just we three.

We met when we worked at the Highwayman Bank,
Writing figures in ledgers (a job without thanks)
We soon hit it off and remained lifelong pals,
Got married, had families, but stuck to our vow.

We had vowed that each Friday we'd meet for a chat
And a drink and to generally just chew the fat,
And sip some cold ale in an inn called 'The Duck',
(But abandoned that pub when Al's liver cracked up).

So now, in retirement, we meet Friday morn
In that small Cotswolds café in Cob-on-the-Corn.
Where we sit by the window, around the same table,
Trading banter and chat with a waitress named Mabel.

Nowadays, meetings don't go with a zing,
Conversation's run thin, 'cause we've said everything!
And so, to instil the odd note of surprise,
Nev has lately been known to tell porky pies.

This morning, for instance, while munching his toast,
He said, "Guys, you both know that I'm not one to boast,
"But I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned to you
"That I've starred in the odd porno movie or two?"

Now, Nev in the past has told some real whoppers,
But this one was truly his biggest jaw-dropper!
Al choked on his sausage, I spilled my Earl Grey,
And, as one, we both snorted, "You're kidding; no way!"

"Oh, every word's true, guys, I swear on my life,
"This all happened before I met Meg, my late-wife,
"I was good at it, too, a right bedroom fox;
"They called me 'The Man in the Red Dragon Socks'."

"It began when I saw a strange classified ad,
"Saying: 'Want To Do Porn'? in a sleazy man-mag;
"I applied for this very unusual position,
"And next thing I knew I was in an audition!"

"They were simply amazed at my great staying power,
"I could literally grind on for hour after hour!
"But, as you both know, my looks aren't that good
"So they made me do all of my scenes in a hood!"

"Much worse than that was the state of my feet,
"They looked like two pieces of bad, condemned meat;
"The director said, 'Ooh, they're a terrible shock!'
"So the cameraman lent me his red-dragon socks."

"Strangely, he never did ask for them back
"So I wore them in every hot flick after that;
"And all the porn movie fans raved, 'This guy rocks!'
" 'We'll call him The Man in the Red Dragon Socks'."

"Although I performed with a number of dames,
"We didn't speak much and we did not ask names,
"There were Dutch girls and Danish girls, Spanish girls, Scotch...
"And that Florida girl with the Mickey Mouse watch...

"She came from Orlando, a platinum blonde,
"And right from the start we just had this, well... bond.
"It wasn't the sex (though of that we had plenty!)
"I guess it was love, I was in my mid-twenties."

"Together, on screen we just burned up that bed,
"The porno equivalent of Ginger and Fred,
"She wore a cute watch with a Mickey Mouse face,
"She wore nothing else but she did it with... grace."

"And we achieved fame in the world of porn flicks,
"A dynamic duo, a magical mix,
"She was The Girl with the Mickey Mouse Watch,
"And I was The Man in the Red Dragon Socks.

"I was truly in love, though I never did say,
"We just did our scene-shooting and went our own way,
"But one day she just quit, and then it was too late,
"I'd been too shy, too nervous, to ask for a date."

Al and I were spellbound by this bitter-sweet tale,
Was he telling the truth? Ah, well that's hard to tell.
But when he lifted his leg up to show us those socks,
On his shin was a tattoo - a Mickey Mouse watch.


Yours Truly.

Howdy, my name is Ms. Beverley Byfore,
Platinum blonde and a figure to die for;
Well... not any more, but I had in my prime,
And that was... er, how long? A very long time!

I was born in Orlando, Florida State,
My family were poor but the weather was great.
As I grew into teenhood, I wasn't the brightest,
But my breasts were the best and my sweaters the tightest.

That's when I learnt: to manipulate guys
All you need's a low cleavage and cute Bambi eyes.
I used these quite shamelessly, never had doubts,
And willingly went to my first casting couch...

I progressed to posin' for full, nude photography;
From there I went straight onto good ol' pornography.
I wasn't exploited, in fact I was willin';
The money was great and the sex was fulfillin'.

The guys? They meant zilch, neither lovers nor friends,
They were all nothin' more than the means to an end.
But that was to change when true love came to knock
And I starred with a man wearin' red dragon socks...

When Disneyworld opened in 'seventy-one,
I was first through the gates to enjoy all the fun,
And I bought me a souvenir Mickey Mouse watch
In a magical, pink velvet Disneyworld box.

I've worn the same watch every day of my life,
As a mistress, a mother, a widow, a wife;
I wore it in every porn movie I made,
That watch was my trademark when filmed, gettin' laid.

Then the man in the red dragon socks came along,
And I realised makin' porn-movies was wrong;
Until then I'd viewed guys with scorn and rejection,
But I looked at this man with a real, deep affection.

Did he feel the same? Well, I never did know,
We just went through our scenes with the grunts and the groans,
But with him it was different, like it was for real,
Like this was how makin' love truly should feel?

Porn cheapened the sex act and made it a sin,
It changed my whole view of the trade I was in;
I am sure my dragon-sock man felt the same,
But we never discussed it, and that's a darn shame.

It was then I decided my porn days were through,
I'd fallen in love and that just wouldn't do;
In porn there's no love, it's a rule of the game,
But the sad thing? We never asked each others names.

I had to get out and go back to my roots,
(And I don't mean hair-color, although it's the truth!)
So I took off for Florida, followin' day.
I wouldn'ta gone if he'd asked me to stay...

His actions spoke volumes when he rocked the sack,
But, a man of few words was my... Jess? Jake? or Jack?
Two husbands and three kids have since eased the pain,
But I yearn to meet my red-socks Brit guy again.

I know it won't happen, we're both old and grey,
But I'm now on vacation, back in the UK.
So, what are the chances we'll meet? Zero. Nil;
No - not in these sad, green Cotswolds hills.

Today I went on the 'blue-rinsers' coach trip,
With a bunch of old duffers, like me, with
screwed hips.
As we passed through a village named Cob-On-The-Corn,
I thought, 'What a blast! This place rhymes with "porn"!'

But then, as we stopped at a red traffic light,
I casually looked at a shop on my right,
'Old Copper Kettle - Café and Tearooms'
Read the sign, though it shoulda read 'God's Waiting Room'!

But as I looked on, I observed to my shock,
In the café, some old guy with... red-dragon socks!
I banged the coach window and brandished my watch!
But the lights turned to green and the coach... just breezed off.

My stressed heart was thumpin', what do I do?
Ask the driver to stop and cause a street queue?
My head said, "Y'old fool, it's not him... ok?"
I said, "Course not," and slept for the rest of the way.


1st - Adie Pena with:
The hairless beaver =
She reveals her bait.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Robin Van Persie =
Penis over brain.

3rd - Josiah Winslow with:
Soixante-neuf position =
A six on top of nine...use it!

Julian Lofts with:
Vaginal yeast infections =
Genital cavities - so fanny

Dean Mayer with:
Soixante-neuf position =
Six upon nine (I feast, too)

Rick Rothstein with:
The well-lubricated vagina =
Ill-bred gal: "I have a wet cunt!"

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Farting "La Marseillaise" =
Air filler times anal gas.

Adie Pena with:
A bald beaver =
Brave a blade.

Rick Rothstein with:
The hairless beaver =
Shave liberates her.

Rick Rothstein with:
A hairless beaver =
Severe labia rash.

Tyler Severance with:
Testes bulgy? =
"Let's Get Busy".

Julian Lofts with:
Clitoral piercing =
An erotic girl clip

Adie Pena with:
Love at first sight =
Girls oft have tits!

nedesto with:
The art of cunnilingus =
Foul urinating stench!

Julian Lofts with:
The art of cunnilingus =
A cunt felt nourishing

A Sinful Jolt with:
The art of cunnilingus =
Eat cunt - oh sinful grin!

Tyler Severance with:
One's birthday suit =
i.e. any rod, tits, bush.

HSP with:
There is a bulge in his pants =
His huge penis is er, blatant!

Mey K. with:
The adult movie actress ~
should seem attractive.

Mey K. with:

To cum with no maladies, ~
I switch to manual mode.

View with:
Copulations freak =
A real option's fuck.

The Anagrammy Awards