1st - Rosie Perera with:
The probiotic supplement ~
helps butt emit nicer poop.

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
Classified "Secret" =
Access is filtered.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
The recreational 'date-rape' sedative drug Rohypnol =
Helped a predatory rat to seduce another naive girl.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Stained glass contains ~
stoic angels and saints.

Mark Huffman with:
Zero Fahrenheit =
Frozen. Hi, heater!

View with:
Masterpieces =
Art seems epic.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Helicopter parents ~
trail teen choppers?

Tyler Severance with:
A retirement ‡

Tyler Severance with:
A fig Christmas tree =
As i cram gifts there.

Christopher Sturdy with:
A result of one's inbreeding =
Lets inferior genes abound.

nedesto with:
C. Darwin's evolutionary theory of Natural Selection =
New conditions or threat usually force a line to vary.

View with:
Conscious smut behind ~
the subconscious mind.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Reason to live =
A love in store

Mark Huffman with:
Suicidal ideation =
"I die." Adios, lunatic!

Adie Pena with:
A dork ‡
Rad; OK.

Rosie Perera with:
Children's photos with Santa =
Then this crowd sat on his lap.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The 25-year old alcoholic =
Loyal to cider, ale, C2H5OH...

Rick Rothstein with:
"It's nice that our God is real!"... ~
that's a religious doctrine.

Rosie Perera with:
The merry young can pick on seniors: ~
"You're not spring chickens anymore!"

Tyler Severance with:
Asteroid hurls to ~
earth. O Lord, it's us?

Rosie Perera with:
Your smartphone ~
may rerun photos.

Rosie Perera with:
The presidential motorcade =
I need stretch limo to parade.

nedesto with:
Pseud ~

Tyler Severance with:
Sumo wrestlers loincloths =
Nostrils touch worse smell!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Brevity is the soul of wit" =
I wish verbosity left out!

Ellie Dent with:
Santa Claus' helpers ~
' use all parents' cash!

Rosie Perera with:
What's with the gate sign? =
Tweeting with hashtags.

Ellie Dent with:
Frosty street =
Test for tyres?

Tyler Severance with:
Chains around tires =
This road insurance.

Rosie Perera with:
Charitable foundation =
Habit: careful donation.

Tyler Severance with:
Chains around car's tires =
It's road-crash insurance.

Christopher Sturdy with:
I twitch ~
with tic.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Too many letters in ~
Nnoormality teest.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Time's up! No plan in sight ~
in last minute shopping.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Time waits for no man. =
Worm manifestation.

Ivan Andonov with:
Hopeless romantic =
Coins her last poem.

Meyran Kraus with:
The rational skeptic =
He's a total nitpicker!

Tyler Severance with:
Armpit lesions ~
limits a person.

Rosie Perera with:
Guilt-free snack ‡
Face gluten risk.

Rosie Perera with:
Modern taste =
Teen stardom.


1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens =
Characters are sickly child, man, boss.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Decoration of the walls in the Sistine Chapel =
Hail it as one of the nicest places in the world!

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Sandro Botticelli's The Adoration Of The Magi =
A trio hotfoot it to a blessed child in a manger.

Mark Huffman with:
Disney's movie "Frozen" is getting great reviews =
Envisioning witty gem: zero degrees, five stars!

nedesto with:
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas =
A soft rain shimmered with magic.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The Sum Of All Fears =
USA's fate from hell

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens =
Hardback classic on arch-miser style

Rosie Perera with:
Music of a handbell choir =
I chime Bach sound for all.

Rosie Perera with:
The service of lessons and carols =
Fervent lads share concise solos.

Mark Huffman with:
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug =
Bilbo taunts some. Ooh, "heated" fight!

View with:
''What Difference Does It Make?' ~
If, de facto, we're the same kind.

Adie Pena with:
"The Twelve Days of Christmas," a holiday song =
Ah, they may watch doves, rings, lots of ladies...

Scott Gardner with:
Adeste fideles laeti triumphantes =
A tune praised, feted little Messiah.

Rosie Perera with:
The New York Times Sunday Crossword =
See cute word synonyms. It's hard work!

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Christopher Nolan films esoteric ~
techno-thriller for space mission.

Rosie Perera with:
Pop sensation Justin Bieber claims to be retiring =
So apt Beliebers join in patronising better music.

Julian Lofts with:
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty =
Stiller - effete twit or ace (myth).

Scott Gardner with:
"The Hunger Games" trilogy =
Her struggle a mighty one.

Scott Gardner with:
Stephen Colbert, I Am America (And So Can You!) =
About a main chap on Comedy Central series.

Tyler Severance with:
Tom H' firm legs for purest role =
Hello, I'm Forrest...Forrest Gump.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas =
Mirthless codger can't hush Who sisters!

Ellie Dent with:
The Nativity with Saints Francis and Lawrence =
It is an infant Christ they view... and clean straw!

Scott Gardner with:
Stephen Colbert, I Am America (And So Can You!) =
About main chap on a Comedy Central series.


1st - Tony Crafter with:
The passing of Nelson Mandela =
As one man's long life path ends.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Top stories the day after Nelson Mandela's burial =
"President Obama Selfie" and "The Lousy Translator".

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Two Thousand and Fourteen =
The future, and soon to dawn

Meyran Kraus with:
The action star Paul Walker ~
parts in a lethal auto wreck.

Rosie Perera with:
The holiday shopping season =
Yo! Santa hopped on his sleigh.

View with:
Israel-Palestinian tensions =
Pains in essential relations.

Rosie Perera with:
The CDC's "Do Not Board" list =
Doctors: "TB? Hold distance!"

nedesto with:
Shivering in a famous lowly manger near Bethlehem =
The Holy Virgin herself; Emmanuel as a newborn; Magi.

David Bourke with:
The month of December is here again =
So henceforth, here *I* mega debt!

Ellie Dent with:
"Sleigh Bells Ring" =
Glib singers. Hell!

Rosie Perera with:
Spreading Christmas cheer ‡
Idea has Mr. Grinch's respect.

Maurice Goddard with:
Saudi Arabia: Must everything stop for prayer? =
Stops are grave: Tidy array of bums up in the air!

Ellie Dent with:
Nelson Mandela has died =
A headline's: 'Old Man's End'.

nedesto with:
The South African president Mandela =
That man - a friend - should rest in peace.

Adie Pena with:
President Nelson Mandela =
I'd lament lean person's end.

Rosie Perera with:
Happier if another vino or ten Baileys for ~
Anniversary of the Repeal of Prohibition.

Maurice Goddard with:
Nelson Mandela: the meaning of the Madiba magic =
Amiable man's a legend in aching moment of death

View with:
Syrian government accused of new poison gas attacks =
Contempt of wrong event - cocky Assad uses sarin again.

Mark Huffman with:
Man leaps to death while shopping with girlfriend =
He's too drained after helping with mall's whipping.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Time's Person of the Year picks ~
Pope Francis, yet strikes home.

Jason Lofts with:
'Extreme foodies' redefine good taste in the US: ~
e.g., unheated mixed rooster testes; i.e., fine food!

Jason Lofts with:
Shocking case of intergenerational child abuse =
Egad, chronic enfeebling incest shook Australia!

Rosie Perera with:
Obama's selfie ~
is of base male.

Meyran Kraus with:
Snowstorm in Jerusalem =
"Not normal", Jews surmise!

Jason Lofts with:
Light snow in Jerusalem ~
ruining the Jews' slalom.

Adie Pena with:
Yuletide season =
Sales? You need it!

Dharam Khalsa with:
FDA warns of dangerous erections from ADHD drugs =
Druggist saw fear and has ordered condoms for fun.

Larry Brash with:
Ronnie Biggs dead ‡
Big grandiose end.

Larry Brash with:
Seamus Peter O'Toole =
Repose... Salute me, too.

Jason Lofts with:
NSA leaks: UK and US spying targets revealed =
Vast sneaky stalking grasped EU, UN leaders...

Julian Lofts with:
Bill Gates outs himself as Reddit user's secret Santa =
A detestable, distressing case of ruthless 'altruism'.

Julian Lofts with:
Bill Gates outs himself as Reddit user's secret Santa =
Sigh - detest it as relentless, absurd case of 'altruism'.

Julian Lofts with:
The world's first artificial heart implant a success =
Will cardiac machine parts rust/fail? The stress of it!

Julian Lofts with:
Seattle bus passengers disarm gun-toting robber =
Subtle bias - strangers respond, beat, sit on mugger

Julian Lofts with:
Detainees stitch lips in protest =
Isn't this silent topic desperate?

Rosie Perera with:
It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas! =
I, being home, lit tree; Santa fills stocking.

Dharam Khalsa with:
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year =
Chase away any unhappy misery with more rewards!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Christmas shopping season =
Santa's months pose high prices

Julian Lofts with:
Pope warns against 'pride, deceit, and self-seeking' =
Egad! Francis is addressIng weak, penitent people.

Dan Fortier with:
Many a Christmas down here in Southern California. =
Mainly, more heroics: hot Santa Ana winds churn fire!

Tyler Severance with:
Target pin numbers hacked =
Get merchandise - Bankrupt!

Rosie Perera with:
Underage workers in factories =
Regions feature careworn kids.

Tyler Severance with:
Angel Michael appears to the Virgin Mary =
"Preplace the Almighty Savior in a manger."


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Mandela, the president of South Africa =
"The land of our fathers is emancipated."

2nd - Rosie Perera with:
South African President Nelson Mandela =
Nation felt sad, mourns in chapel, era ends.

3rd - Scott Gardner with:
The Princess Leia =
I help resistance.

David Bourke with:
The diver Thomas Robert Daley =
Rather boy lovers, he admitted.

View with:
The Polish athlete Stella Walsh =
Plot's title: Hell, halt, she was a he!

Adie Pena with:
The Russian President =
Putin is a Red. He's stern.

David Bourke with:
Alessandra Pacchieri =
Caesarean rips a child

Adie Pena with:
The Russian President =
Putin's a stern Red, he is!

Tony Crafter with:
Georges Albert Edouard Brutus Gilles de la Tourette =
Regular deletable-dialogue outbursts so regretted?

View with:
Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela =
He, an ill man, led SA. All honor!

David Bourke with:
Nigella Lucy Lawson =
Illegal "snow" lunacy.

Mark Huffman with:
American actor Paul Walker =
A car, pole wreck in L.A. trauma

Dharam Khalsa with:
President Nelson Mandela =
Repents in end, as all men do.

Dharam Khalsa with:
South African President Nelson Mandela =
One clansman results in end of Apartheid.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The First Lady, Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama =
Not calm at her amoral Danish-Selfie-loving hubby!

View with:
The supermodel Alessandra Corine Ambrosio =
Latin American dame. Oh, blood pressures rose!

View with:
Eugenio Freitas =
I ease finger out

Rosie Perera with:
Actress Joan Fontaine =
Fate: joins an ancestor.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Seamus Peter O'Toole =
Use me to pose at role

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Shia Laboeuf =
Hail of abuse.

Larry Brash with:
Nigella Lawson =
An illegal "snow".

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Samantha Gwendoline Cameron =
Woman in charge leads Eton man

Meyran Kraus with:
South African President Mandela =
This land's unfeared emancipator.


1st - Adie Pena with:
TIME Magazine's Person of the Year ~
emphasizes anyone of great merit.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The prehistoric Stonehenge, UK =
Huge rocks sit there in the open.

3rd - Ed Pegg Jr with:
US Whistleblower Act =
Rebels without claws.

Rosie Perera with:
Non-disparagement clause =
Don't malign; as peer can sue!

Adie Pena with:
Ma: "I luv ~

Larry Brash with:
Gynaecomastia: men's enlarged breasts =
In many cases, lads agree to get men-bras.

Rosie Perera with:
Amazon Prime Air delivery drones ~
drop oversize mail in yard near me.

Adie Pena with:
Seiko™ =
Time's OK.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Victoria and Albert Museum =
I archive unused tombal matter.

Scott Gardner with:
Bethlehem in classical Roman Judea =
One birth came, a child all name Jesus.

Larry Brash with:
Stress Relieving Therapeutic Mouse Pad =
Get vile pressures? User: impact head on it.

View with:
United States Air Force =
Fit, discreet aeronauts.

Tony Crafter with:
Leonardo da Vinci Airport =
Ravioli and indoor carpet!

Tony Crafter with:
Leonardo da Vinci Airport, Rome =
Depart or arrive in cool domain!

Rosie Perera with:
Amsterdam Airport Schiphol =
Heard storm limits approach.

Larry Brash with:
Extracorporeal Shockwave Lithotripsy =
O, expel that poor rock with visceral rays.

Scott Gardner with:
"Top Secret" classification =
Action protects CIA's files.

Ivan Andonov with:
Union Carbide Corporation =
Bout or cancer in poor India.


1st - Scott Gardner with:
Seven virtues:
1. Chastity
2. Temperance
3. Charity
4. Diligence
5. Patience
6. Kindness
7. Humility
1. Virginity
2. Halt the undesired
3. Humanity
4. Persistence
5. Acceptance
6. Civility
7. Meekness

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
WIFE: "Problems with the Toyota, Ned: there's water in the carburetor."
MAN: "Water in the carburetor? Ok, that's ridiculous."
WIFE: "No ~ there is water in the carburetor."
MAN: "You don't know what a carburetor is! Let me do it; but first... where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool."

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Found in "Top Five" lists of Christmas movies:
1. "A Christmas Story"
2. "Christmas Vacation"
3. "Scrooged"
4. "The Polar Express"
5. "Home Alone"
1. Ralphie aims to shoot
2. Lampoon's old Chevy
3. Spirits' hints reform TV executive
4. Magic train across roofs
5. A son's daft schemes

Tyler Severance with:
See the stars or the Milky Way or even Mars and the great universe
Earth enters under a relative night sky, moves somewhere astray.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Moment divers found a Nigerian cook trapped alive in sunken ship
O mindful Neptune's divine air pocket saving damp Harrison Okene

David Bourke with:
The late South African president, Nelson Rolihlahla 'Madiba' Mandela, RIP
All in all, a particular sore loss...the main man behind the end of apartheid.

nedesto with:
The weak light of a crescent moon illuminated snow =
Child entices a flake to melt on his own warm tongue!

Adie Pena with:
Forbes Magazine's Top Three Best Christmas Movies Of All Time
3. The Nightmare Before Christmas
2. Brazil
1. Die Hard
3. I'm afraid Tim emphasises the terror.
2. Gilliam's batch of stars bedazzle here.
1. Observe the McTiernan fights. Boom!

David Bourke with:
Flunitrazepam (the recreational 'date-rape' sedative drug Rohypnol)
Nude aunt - I hazard it'd appear T. Crafter's only real legover-time hope!

Maurice Goddard with:
Scientists record new coldest temperature on Earth on the East Antarctic Plateau
Can men pee there? An acute test's catastrophic torture to scrota and tender willies!

Christopher Sturdy with:
American Standard Code for Information Interchange
A defining character set from a darned moronic nation!

Jason Lofts with:
Daredevil rides bike backwards down a mountain at fifty mph
Madman is nifty on velocipede but it's awkward if braked hard!

nedesto with:
For this year's Christmas season, I got all my kids each one hundred batteries with huge signs noting: TOYS AIN'T INCLUDED!
Decidedly, the last thing that ladies are wishing to see in your stockings on a Christmas morning is... your husband's feet!

David Bourke with:
Eugenio Freitas of Newcastle-Under-Lyme in Staffordshire
A dirty sod now seen erect in meat aisle four-finger-shuffle.

Julian Lofts with:
Doctors explain why Bond prefers his martinis 'shaken, not stirred'
Header: Tremors - spy drowns in drink - toxic habit shortens lifespan

View with:
Snow Falls In Cairo For The First Time In More Than Hundred Years
Wherein unfamiliar cold from air and shiny frost on the streets.

David Bourke with:

The funeral service of the former South African president, Nelson 'Madiba' Mandela
A saint races off to Heaven?
A simple ANC murderer, damned to burn in the fires of Hell?

Jason Lofts with:
Billboard Artist of the Year

1. Bruno Mars
2. Taylor Swift
3. Justin Timberlake
LAST: Miley Cyrus
1. It's... BM!
2. Really tarty also-ran
3. Just a burnt out Bilbo

Ire! Smiley failed - 'Twerky for Christmas'.

Jason Lofts with:
"But the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did."
By T.E. Lawrence.
His remit: fought the Turks (adherents of sodomy*) in Hashemite Arabia.

*sodomy, i.e. premeditated pederasty.

Dharam Khalsa with:
1. The Ghost of Christmas Past
2. The Ghost of Christmas Present
3. The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
1. The host tests sharp memory
2. Snapshot of Cratchits' home
3. Sight affects tight Scrooge the most

Mark Huffman with:
A+E's "Duck Commander" Phil Robertson has opinion, quotes Scripture =
"Open-door anus" rant, "homophobic" criticism upsets rankled queers.

Jason Lofts with:
Surprise clemency from Putin for Khodorkovsky bolsters aura of power =
Vlad kicks usurper bloke out of prison. Merry amnesty PR or show of force?

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Men judge by the complexion of the sky,
the state and inclination of the day"
(Shakespeare, Richard II)
If thick red skies in the morn, aha! expect a delay;
If blue patches in the morn, then enjoy! it's a good day.

Tony Crafter with:
Abbey Clancy
Natalie Gumede
Sophie Ellis-Bextor
Susanna Reid=

Unbeatably sexy dame.
Gosh! Brilliant!
So nice.
Audience pleaser.

Jason Lofts with:
The second blast hits Russia on a Monday, raising Olympic fears =
Ghastly end. Bus dynamite assassination. Moral: Price for Sochi?

Jason Lofts with:
Miley Cyrus bares her midriff in a crop top, low-cut suspender skirt =
Furious improper dirty twerks by music princess. A farce - hell, don't!

Ellie Dent with:
New Year's Wish, at this time, from your pets:

We, your cats, would like to say

Thank you for caring for us

Both... each and every day.


Kitty cats-eyes, looking ahead

Can now warmly offer you to

Share with us our purrfect vision.

By the way, your hamster's dead.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Top Five AFI Movies of All Time

1. Citizen Kane
2. The Godfather
3. Casablanca
4. Raging Bull
5. Singin' In The Rain
1. Fanatic publisher
2. Aging don
3. A little love in the face of Nazism
4. Savage in the ring
5. Birth of 'talkie' cinema.

Snafu I'll Jot with:
Racing ace Schumacher 'fighting for life' after ski accident near Meribel =
In effect, acceleration skiing harmed his cerebrum. A cliffhanger. Tragic.


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
Lunar triumph is just a movie, a sham of global scale! I saw the strings!!!

2nd - Rosie Perera with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
"Ah, just as I claim: U.S. government has Roswell UFO parts." (Abigail Smith)

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
His sarcasm's proving justifiable alarm, when USA's all out to get him!

View with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
Mullah Arafat's embolus? Poisoning? Such trivial Jewish stratagems!

Rosie Perera with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
Wars fought in small jovial states are CIA plans. It's heroism? Humbug!

Rosie Perera with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
Wish! Fallacies! Astronauts stage moon arrival; is just Belgium. Hmph!

Tony Crafter with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)=
August aim of SAS was harming the volatile Princess? Major bullshit!

David Bourke with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)=
Ruling imperial fascism! Obama shall not have his wars just to get us!

Andrew Brehault with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
Spiritual Jewish mass still frame Germans about having holocaust.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
Insightful! Alas, more just trust Ms. Palin: "Obamacare is evil hogwash!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
So, what perturbs me?
- Chemtrail fog
- Assassin ghouls
- Illuminati
- Java

Mark Huffman with:
""Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
Will savage Martians strip us? Is jumbo foil hat enough? Them rascals!

nedesto with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
"Fags' lust is a major plot to enslave America with sins!" (Rush Limbaugh)

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
But plight if alarmist's virtual room shows a scheme! (Julian Assange)

nedesto with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
Miss Universe is just a new machismo plot to laugh at half-Arab girls.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
"What Roman thugs shall nail me up live to a big cross, if I'm a star?" (Jesus)

View with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
Famous savages Stalin, Hitler, Mao - all wisp - brought injustice, harms

Rosie Perera with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
"Limelight gal's massive Paris tunnel auto crash was a hit job." (Forums)

Larry Brash with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
Sugar, I'm just over sampling all sham theories with no factual basis.

Rosie Perera with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
Aware famous US bills have Illuminati jottings/graphs across them?

Mark Huffman with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
Alas, tight anal probe from alien hive was just gross. I'm...I'm such a slut.

Tyler Severance with:
Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts. (William S Burroughs) =
South African linguist with Obama, all major gasps sums lives there.

Rosie Perera with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
Lost film: Jesus was in lavish human marriage; ah, but Pilate got cross.

Mark Huffman with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
"Prove it!"
"Oh, fantastic!"
"Bull! 'Mammalian jail?'"
"Ew, uses ass? Gross!"

Christopher Sturdy with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =

A gag that amuses?
Censorship of raw email, TV, journalism is bullshit!

Christopher Sturdy with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
Sigh, as a magic tv swaps mature, honest journalism for a bullshit lie.

Tyler Severance with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts" - William S. Burroughs =
G.W. Bush's terrorism justification has small main goal set - UPHEAVAL!

Christopher Sturdy with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
As truth helps us challenge a war, USG's aim to misinform is a vital job.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
Turn this logic: Alarmist journalism gave the masses awful phobias!

Adie Pena with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
Per some films, I'll bet Santa Claus was just a thorough sham!" (Virginia)

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
U.S. Poll: Global Warming - is it a vast human scheme, or is this just a fear?

Rosie Perera with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
The immoral Brits assassinate a glum though jovial princess. Awful!

Larry Brash with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
I reject all this vast pile as humbug, a morons' ass, half-wit ignoramus.

Ellie Dent with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
Princess, a mum, lost life: was it manslaughter, though, via SAS job? Liar!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
Small jobs
Activist pals
Heroin usage
Wife's harm, man's guilt

Rosie Perera with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
Small civilian thoughts of a major Beat Gen writer. (His usual spasms.)

Adie Pena with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs) =
"I have all of G. W. Bush's grammatical missteps on air!" (the U.S. journalist)

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
Sarah Palin's blog, "I just caught Russia wavin' at me from home!" (It sells!)

View with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
Jesus - Big Love;
Santa is in a Christmas plot;
Amour - Warmth;
Laughs - LIFE!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
Test marijuana's "harms":
Loving souls
Liberal thoughts

Meyran Kraus with:

"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
"I fears a smallish man just wants to grab this Precious I have!" (Gollum)

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
A Jurassic "it"
Arms show
Issue (vital)

Meyran Kraus with:
Sometimes paranoia's just having all the facts." (William S. Burroughs)
"I have a gun just in case a robot's light-ship from Mars will assault me!"


1st - Ellie Dent with:

Dear God,
How come people smell flowers, all sorts of them, but seldom smell each other? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your settee, please? Or is it the same old tale?

Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, and the stingray, etc. but not a single one named after a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every dog breed cannot have its own special model, but it would be easy to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle!'

Dear God,
If a dog starts to bark his head off in the vast, deep dark forests at night-time and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, all dining room tables have on-ramps as standard?


Dear God,
If we dogs come back as humans, is that good... or bad?

Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,
When we get to the famous, beautiful Pearly Gates - rejoice! - do we
need to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,
We humble dogs understand remote verbal instructions, and hand signals. Furthermore, scent IDs. What do feeble humans understand?

Dear God,
Are there really dogs on other planets? I've been howling hopelessly at the moon - hourly - or more , yet all I ever hear is that awful boxer from over the street! Hate it.

Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there is, will I have to go apologise?

Dear God,
Is it true dogs aren't allowed in restaurants 'cos they can't decide what NOT to order? Or 'cos we face the carpet thing, again?

Dear God,
May I have my testicles back?

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:


A young Texan named Roy wanted to be a police officer. Roy was a big muscular guy and good with guns, so he thought he has a shot,

One day, he saw an ad in the paper:

"Do you have what it takes? Are you
desperate for some action? Then the
the Sheriff's Department is looking
for YOU. Boldly go where no man has
gone before!"

Taking it as a sign, Roy applied. After a half hour of physical tests, Deputy Chief Mel Pacino called Roy into his office for one last interview. "You're amazing", said Mel. "But before you can be accepted, you have to take an attitude suitability test. You have to do this first. I won't take just anyone."

The Deputy Chief then gave Roy a Smith & Wesson revolver and said, "Take this and shoot everything on this list: Six immigrants, four Mexican chicks, four Muslims and one terrier."

"Why the terrier?" Roy asked.

"Great attitude. You pass", said the Deputy Chief. "When can you start here?"



Now, folks, you didn't know this, but that wasn't simply some gag about Texas. That was in fact a personality test, assessing personality types based on the first thing that got you distracted. Here is what we have determined:

- If you would've asked the same thing as Roy, you are a DOG LOVER.

- If you cringed or gasped at the punch-line of the joke, you are a TEXAN.

- If you took special notice of the word 'chicks' and didn't appreciate it, you are a FEMINIST.

- If you were revolted by the phrase 'a half hour', you are BRITISH.

- If you first thought, "How can he shoot them if a Smith & Wesson revolver only has six bullets?", you are SCARING ME.

- If you recognized the Star Trek reference in the ad, you are a GEEK.

- If you managed to discover the 'the' in the ad that shouldn't be there, you are PEDANTIC.

- And if you noticed that the Deputy Chief's name is an obvious anagram of 'Policeman', you are an ANAGRAMMIST.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A couple went on a weekend Christmas shopping expedition. The old mall was festive and alive with holiday activity. After enjoying the divine melody of a group of kindergarten carollers, the wife immediately turned to see her husband, but he wasn't in view. She was irritated, since they had a lot more to do there.

By then, she became worried and called him on her mobile phone to ask if he had ducked out somewhere.
In a hushed voice he answered, "Honey, remember the jeweler's shop we went into at this same shopping center about five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace we couldn't afford at the time, and I said I'll get it for you some day?"

His wife choked up and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop where I tried on the lovely diamond necklace!"

The husband replied, "Well, I'm at the bar next door to it, having a drink."

Tyler Severance with:
Trade Skills and Hobby examples
Auto repair mechanics
Carving out of stone and wood
Cooking a real specialty dish
Constructing houses dirt to roof
Painting what is in front of you
Creating video games
And A rearrangement of letters
Car care labor
Kinds of good chess and horse pieces
Culinary invigoration on tasteful food; eat there
Of concrete and wood together
Must a masterpiece look beautiful
Fancy designing and motivating a story
Pinpointing X-rays
Thrilling anagrams!

Tony Crafter with:
The Classified Ads. (R. Jones)

The following is based on an authentic classified ad from a newspaper This ad appeared on four consecutive days, with the last three announcements trying to correct the first day's error but, in the event, failing quite hopelessly to do this!

MONDAY: For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. This should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY: Notice: R. D. Jones has informed this newspaper's office that he has received several improper phone calls after an unintended printing error in his ad yesterday. The correct wording is as follows: "For Sale: R.D. Jones has a sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs Kelly who loves with him.

THURSDAY: Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Do not call 948-0707 as I've at last managed to get the phone cut off. Added to this, I have not been carrying on with Mrs Kelly. Until yesterday she was my faithful housekeeper but she quit!

Jason Lofts with:

'We stand here today as nothing more than a representative of the millions of our people who dared to rise up against a social system whose very essence is war, violence, racism, oppression, repression and the impoverishment of an entire people.'


Nelson Mandela's epic Oslo message.
In memoriam est: A ghetto lawyer, ANC anti-apartheid revolutionary, a prisoner, politician, President, forever the patriot, the awesome foe of oppression. The corpse sends shivers down everyone's spine. We hush.

Adie Pena with:

Side One
1. "The One After Nine-O-Nine"
2. "Rocker (Improvisation)"
3. "Save the Last Dance for Me"
4. "Don't Let Me Down"
5. "Dig a Pony"
6. "I've Got a Feeling"
7. "Get Back"

Side Two
1. "For You Blue"
2. "Teddy Boy"
3. "Two of Us"
4. "Maggie Mae"
5. "Dig It"
6. "Let It Be"
7. "The Long and Winding Road"
8. "Get Back" (reprise)


Side One
1. Freight-train ditty
2. That drug effect!
3. Ben E. King
4. Dedicate to Yoko
5. Vignette piece
6. To wife Linda
7. Billy Preston!

Side Two
1. George's twelve bar blues
2. Good kid
3. "On our way..."
4. Need a madam, eh?
5. Even Ringo, too!
6. Best song?
7. Magnificent piano ballad
8. One more time!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Top Ten Most Read Books in the World
1. The Holy Bible
2. Quotations from Chairman Mao Tse-Tung
3. Harry Potter
4. The Lord of the Rings
5. The Alchemist
6. The Da Vinci Code
7. The Twilight Saga
8. Gone With the Wind
9. Think and Grow Rich
10. The Diary of Anne Frank
1. "The" church handbook
2. Chinese political record
3. Kids' anthology
4. Fantasy trilogy
5. High quest of Santiago
6. Death and theft in Paris
7. Teen heartthrob
8. The wartime novel
9. Betterment method with knowhow
10. Words that matter from one girl in hiding

nedesto with:
Christmas is a short race to see which quits first - your money or your feet.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

I rather like the old days when you would stop Christmas shopping when you ran out of money.

Why wasn't there a Washington D.C. nativity scene this year? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

The worst Christmas present is simply the fruitcake. There's only one in all the world, and everyone keeps sending it to each other.

Santa Claus wears that red suit. He must be a communist. And that beard and long hair? Must be a pacifist. Hmm, so what's in that pipe that he’s smoking? =

Christmas is just like a day at the office; you run and do all the work and a fat inane buffoon with a suit typically gets all the credit.

I've three phrases that sum up the Christmas season: Peace on Earth; Goodwill to Men; Batteries not Included.

Anyone who believes men are the equal of women has obviously never seen a man trying to wrap a present.

There is nothing profoundly sadder in this world than to awake on Christmas and not be a child.

Besides a circus there is nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's cash.

Christmas is often a time when you get homesick - even within your home.

Are they still making those wooden Christmas trees?

Jason Lofts with:

"Despicable human scum Jang, who was worse than a dog, perpetrated thrice-cursed acts of treachery in betrayal of such profound trust and warmest paternal love shown by the party and the leader for him"
Plotter uncle of Jong-un was incarcerated, accused by brutal amoral nephew ('revered' head of that Communist state) for past errors, treason and perfidy. What? Why? How? PS: Army behind hated chap's slaughter.

View with:
Dr. No
From Russia with Love
You Only Live Twice
On Her Majesty's Secret Service
Diamonds Are Forever
Live and Let Die
The Man with the Golden Gun
The Spy Who Loved Me
For Your Eyes Only
A View to a Kill
The Living Daylights
Licence to Kill
Tomorrow Never Dies
The World Is Not Enough
Die Another Day
Casino Royale
Quantum of Solace
Eye adventures of famous spy James Bond whole over the world.
A lot of gorgeous, lovely ladies.
A lot of violence, shootings, killings and more shootings.
Fellow drank martinis 'shaken, not stirred', uncovered many plots of hatred.
In the air, on earth, on and under the water.
Clearly lucky, with high technology, welcomed in every milieu, determined, groovy, lively, sly.
Cool yet very wise.
...Quite cruel idea.

Paul Pan with:
Beloved movies from the 60s - in no particular order

1. Dr. Strangelove - Kubrick
2. Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! - Russ Meyer
3. Goldfinger - Guy Hamilton
4. If… - Lindsay Anderson
5. La Dolce Vita - Fellini
6. Night of the Living Dead - George Romero
7. Psycho - Hitchcock
8. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly - Sergio Leone
9. The Jungle Book - Disney
10. Weekend - Godard

60s decade rock I bloody love

- Beatles: Hey Jude (Groovy!)
- Rolling Stones: Satisfation (Regal!)
- Doors: The End (Formidable fog!)
- Pink Floyd: The Gnome (Acid high!)
- Velvet Underground: Venus in Furs (Gothic!)
- Troggs: Wild Thing (Hard!)
- Kinks: You Really Got Me (Bed: cheery goal!)
- Aretha Franklin: R-E-S-P-E-C-T (Prime!)
- Dick Dale: Misirlou (Token Hellenic!)

Dharam Khalsa with:
You could have heard a pin drop...

A U.S. Navy Admiral from Oklahoma attended a naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At the cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of naval officers that included personnel from all of those countries. Everyone was busy chatting with one another in English as they sipped their drinks.

The French admiral complained that, whereas most European-born people learn several languages, most Americans speak only English. He commented, "Why in the world is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than my native French?"

Without hesitation, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't be speaking German by now!"

You could have heard a pin drop.
An elderly American man arrived by plane in Paris. Upon deplaning, it took him a few minutes in French Customs to search and find his passport in his carry-on luggage.

"You have travelled to France previously, monsieur?" the accented customs officer asked. The distinguished man admitted that he had been to France before.

"Aha! Then you know enough to always have your passport available," the officer remarked sarcastically.

The unshaken American gentleman laughed, "Well, the last time I was here, I wasn't asked to show it."

"Immune? Impossible! All Americans have to show passports on arrival in France!"

The American gave the French taunter a long hard stare in silence. Then he answered graciously, "When I landed on Omaha Beach on D-Day to help liberate this land, it was uncanny - I didn't find one single Frenchmen to hand a passport to!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

Paul Pan with:
Beloved movies from the 70s (in no particular order)

- The Godfather - Francis Coppola
- A Clockwork Orange - Stanley Kubrick
- Aguirre, the Wrath of God - Werner Herzog
- Apocalypse Now - Francis Coppola
- Eraserhead - David Lynch
- Monty Python's Life of Brian - Terry Jones
- Stalker - Andrei Tarkovsky
- Taxi Driver - Martin Scorsese
- That Obscure Object of Desire - Luis Bunuel
- Young Frankenstein - Mel Brooks


The 70s rock!

- Blondie - Rapture (A racy frau performs her tricks!)
- Bob Marley - Redemption Song (Roots of Jah!)
- Talking Heads - Psycho Killer (For fear!)
- Eagles - Hotel California (Junkie resort not vacant!)
- David Bowie - Heroes (Very baffling, bravo!)
- Lou Reed - Transformer (Cock or crack? androgynous swanky sex!)
- Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Heaven (Uncorrupted, respect!)
- Moody Blues - Nights in White Satin (Rock-on!)


1st - Tony Crafter with:
Clement Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight:
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"


The Ballad of Hannah and Leigh

'Twas the night before New Year, when Hannah and Leigh,
Had sat, as the clock chimed, to watch the TV,
Now, in silence, they gazed at the blank TV screen,
He drank his Bass beer and she sipped Irish Cream.

"Another year over," she sighed, "glad it's done;
"'Twas all rather hellish, it hasn't been fun,
"Truth be told, it was horrid the whole time, of course,
"For you just played golf while I worked like a horse.

"You do nowt to help and sod-all to inspire me,
"I don't get affection, like my sister Ivy,
"Her Welsh husband, Dafydd, treats her like a queen,
"All I get's: 'Where's me best shirt? Hell... is it clean?'"

"Now hold hard a second!" Leigh said to his wife,
"Strewth, Hannah, you haven't had that bad a life!
"I'll list all the kind, helpful things that I do,
"And tell me if one single word isn't true:

"Heck, I know I don't work, and finances are stiff,
"So you graft at McDonalds on thirteen-hour shifts.
"When I get home from golf, you're not back from work,
"And though I'm half-famished, I don't act the jerk

"When you beg to rest for a while before cookin'
"I spare time to comment on how bad you're lookin',
"And I nod: 'Hell, then take that well-earned rest, hon.,
"'And I'll take a nap, wake me up when it's done.'

"You don't wash the dishes right after the supper,
"Though a wife's supposed to be chief washer-upper,
"So I whisper: 'I know you're jaded, but hell,
"'Those dishes aren't just gonna wash up themselves.

"And when you complain to me constantly how
"You can't do all the shopping in one lunch hour,
"I take that on the chin and'll helpfully say:
"'Don't fret so, Hannah - stretch it over two days!'

"And, ok, I know that you get up at dawn,
"Which is why you're so dog-tired when mowin' the lawn,
"So I'll smile, 'Ok, stop for a second or two,
"'And you might as well get me a beer when you do.'

"I know that most agein' women like whinin',
"And I'd noticed how slapdash you'd got with the ironin',
"And I want to confess that I do realise,
"Women's hormones are hell, and I empathise.

"Hell, I've tried to keep cheerful and not criticise,
"And not be so harsh when I mention 'the thighs',
"A woman gets stroppy when she's overweight,"
"But I cope with this well. Hmm - I must be a saint!"


Leigh died with a split rectum that New Years Day
Up his back-end a golf club was thrust all the way,
'Twas a Calloway extra-long fifty-inch rammer,
And right next to this was a bloodied sledgehammer.

When Hannah was charged with the death of her mate,
The all-woman jury decided her fate
In three seconds, the verdict: "Not guilty, m'lud,
"The deceased sat, by accident, on his golf club!"

Now Hannah's a widow and she's rich as hell,
The insurance on Leigh's life had paid her damn well!
She has shoppers and chefs; she wears silk pajamas,
And this New Year's Eve she'll be in the Bahamas!

2nd - Adie Pena with:
A Tribute Poem For Nelson Mandela
by Maya Angelou

His day is done.
Is done.
The news came on the wings of a wind, reluctant to carry its burden.
Nelson Mandela’s day is done.
The news, expected and still unwelcome, reached us in the United States, and suddenly our world became somber.
Our skies were leadened.

His day is done.
We see you, South African people standing speechless at the slamming of that final door through which no traveler returns.
Our spirits reach out to you Bantu, Zulu, Xhosa, Boer.
We think of you and your son of Africa, your father, your one more wonder of the world.

We send our souls to you as you reflect upon your David armed with a mere stone, facing down the mighty Goliath.

Your man of strength, Gideon, emerging triumphant.

Although born into the brutal embrace of Apartheid, scarred by the savage atmosphere of racism, unjustly imprisoned in the bloody maws of South African dungeons.

Would the man survive? Could the man survive?

His answer strengthened men and women around the world.

In the Alamo, in San Antonio, Texas, on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, in Chicago’s Loop, in New Orleans Mardi Gras, in New York City’s Times Square, we watched as the hope of Africa sprang through the prison’s doors.

His stupendous heart intact, his gargantuan will hale and hearty.

He had not been crippled by brutes, nor was his passion for the rights of human beings diminished by twenty-seven years of imprisonment.

Even here in America, we felt the cool, refreshing breeze of freedom.

When Nelson Mandela took the seat of Presidency in his country where formerly he was not even allowed to vote we were enlarged by tears of pride, as we saw Nelson Mandela’s former prison guards invited, courteously, by him to watch from the front rows his inauguration.

We saw him accept the world’s award in Norway with the grace and gratitude of the Solon in Ancient Roman Courts, and the confidence of African Chiefs from ancient royal stools.

No sun outlasts its sunset, but it will rise again and bring the dawn.

Yes, Mandela’s day is done, yet we, his inheritors, will open the gates wider for reconciliation, and we will respond generously to the cries of Blacks and Whites, Asians, Hispanics, the poor who live piteously on the floor of our planet.

He has offered us understanding.
We will not withhold forgiveness even from those who do not ask.
Nelson Mandela’s day is done, we confess it in tearful voices, yet we lift our own to say thank you.

Thank you our Gideon, thank you our David, our great courageous man.

We will not forget you, we will not dishonor you, we will remember and be glad that you lived among us, that you taught us, and that you loved us all.



His jury of underworld cronies
Loudly expounds on an unsworn dossier;
Oddly now ignores an unsound exposé.
Heard your cry worldwide:
"Will mourning subside?"

We proudly donned
Your Nelson crown.
Winding crowds wend
Down, down, down.

Sordid wind on wrong plans,
Shoddy minds and puny hands
Drown our unanswered screams,
Handcuff our hopes, manacle our dreams.

Unsung widows ponder;
Shunned sons wonder.
Spurious wrongdoings
Cage our wishes, clip our worn wings.

Furloughs from unsown sorrows
Will now spur our sunny morrows.
Could your soul unchain our longings
Now in windowless surroundings?


Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.

A good head and a good heart are always a formidable combination.

If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.

For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.

If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.

There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.

It always seems impossible until its done.

After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.

There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires.

In my country we go to prison first and then become President.

We must use time wisely and forever realize that the time is always ripe to do right.

Never, never and never again shall it be that this beautiful land will again experience the oppression of one by another.

If the United States of America or Britain is having elections, they don't ask for observers from Africa or from Asia. But when we have elections, they want observers.

No country can really develop unless its citizens are educated.

Money won't create success, the freedom to make it will.

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.

Does anybody really think that they didn't get what they had because they didn't have the talent or the strength or the endurance or the commitment?

I dream of an Africa which is in peace with itself.

Let freedom reign. The sun never set on so glorious a human achievement.

If there are dreams about a beautiful South Africa, there are also roads that lead to their goal. Two of these roads could be named Goodness and Forgiveness.

Tony Crafter with:
Office Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: The Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to advise you that the Gala Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function rooms #5/6 at the Grill House Restaurant. There will be a cash bar, plus lots to drink!

We will have a small band playing traditional Christmas carols... do feel free to sing along!

Don't be surprised if Mr Parry, our CEO, shows up dressed as Santa Claus! The Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanging of gifts between employees can be done at that time; however, no gifts should be over ten pounds in value to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for our employees!

Merry Christmas to you and to your family,


Office Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's message meant to exclude our Jewish employees. We fully recognise that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which can often coincide with Christmas. However, from now on, we're going to call this our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who have their own traditions and those who are still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for you to enjoy (but not karaoke).

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,


Office Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note that I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to agree to this request, but if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.

How am I supposed to handle this?


Oh, and sorry, but forget about the exchange of gifts; no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that ten pounds is excessive and the executives feel that ten pounds is a little tawdry .


Office Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 4
RE: Generic Holiday Party

Oh, what a diverse group of folk we are! I hadn't realised that December 20th is the start of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during the daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we do appreciate how a fixed luncheon at this time of year may not accommodate our Muslim employees' complex beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can postpone serving your noon meal until the end of the party or can maybe pack everything for you to take away in a foil doggy baggy. Will that do?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get a table next to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit next to each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, and each group will occupy their own table.

And, yes, there will be a flower arrangement on the Gay men's table.

To the person wanting permission to cross dress, the Grill House has politely insisted that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.


We will have booster seats to accommodate short people.

Low-fat food will be available for people on a diet. And there will be mixed "low sugar" fruit as a dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "nil sugar" desserts.

I am sorry to say that we cannot control or examine the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House recommends that people with high blood pressure try a small sample first.


Did I miss anything?!


Office Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fucking Employees
DATE: December 5
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party

Mamma mia!

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks! We are holding the Holiday Party at the Grill House this year whether you idiotic imbeciles like it or not, so you can all sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

And the rest of you miffed weirdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have an immensely crappy holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!

Office Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 6, 2013
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I am sure I speak for us all in wishing Patty Lewis a most speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards on to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel this year's Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon off, with full pay, on 23rd December.

Happy 2014!


Jason Lofts with:
To S.A.

I loved you, so I drew these tides of men into my hands and wrote my will across the sky in stars
To earn you Freedom, the seven-pillared worthy house, that your eyes might be shining for me
When we came.

Death seemed my servant on the road, till we were near and saw you waiting:
When you smiled, and in sorrowful envy he outran me and took you apart:
Into his quietness.

Love, the way-weary, groped to your body, our brief wage ours for the moment
Before earth’s soft hand explored your shape, and the blind worms grew fat upon
Your substance.

Men prayed me that I set our work, the inviolate house, as a memory of you.
But for fit monument I shattered it, unfinished: and now
The little things creep out to patch themselves hovels in the marred shadow
Of your gift.



A true story of no ordinary man,
one of unusual verve, humour, wit ‘n’ deeds of high valour.

Fought the mighty Ottoman Empire.
Rode on a camel through the hot empty sandy desert
from Aqaba to Wadi Rum, on to the town of Damascus.
He slew beefy Turks, destroyed trains,
muttered swearwords, shared poverty, trust with the Bedouin,
proud yeomen under Feisal,
yet unsung heroes of the war they won (Arab Revolt).

Now who was he?

Why, if unsure, see footnote:
Exitus letalis on motorbike when in England.
Peter O'Toole played him in the Oscar-winning film.

Yet only now you say: T.E. Lawrence.

O, heed this one wise, savvy man!

“But the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did.”
(Seven Pillars of Wisdom)



1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The hooters of old Gran =
Those drag on the floor!

2nd - nedesto with:
Coitus Interruptus method =
Promise: Outside
Truth: Cunt

Eq3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
A notorious dogging site =
I go to astounding orgies.

Eq3rd - Scott Gardner with:
E.L. James's novel Fifty Shades of Grey =
Some fans she gets "jill off" every day!

Tony Crafter with:
Frederick Anderson Goodwin =
Renowned for grandiose dick!

Adie Pena with:
A priest with a hard-on =
Ah, what a torrid penis!

David Bourke with:
A Catholic priest with an erect penis =
A teen in the choir practice was split.

Tyler Severance with:
A goody lust, shagging her with toys =
Oh what a rush, its going doggy style

View with:
The nude girls pictures =
True girlish deep cunts.

Tyler Severance with:
Spreading xmas cheer ~
graces her in damp sex.

nedesto with:
Did you hear the one about the old Catholic priests? =
Didn't the louts do (i.e. up the arse) each choir boy a lot?

The Anagrammy Awards