1st - Disqualified

2nd - Julian Lofts with:
The First Step to World Peace =
"Stop!" I reflected, "Stop the war!"

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
The can of sardines =
A dense fish carton.

Eric Harshbarger with:
The Theorem of Pythagoras =
Oh, hey... greatest math proof?

Jason Lofts with:
Income taxes ~
excite moans.

Larry Brash with:
That is unsatisfactory =
In a fact, its trashy to us.

Tony Crafter with:
Gee, he's such a neurotic =
e.g; he's A touch insecure.

Tyler Severance with:
Hammer and chisels =
Herald mechanisms.

Tyler Severance with:
Southeast =
A hot US set.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Selfie" camera shot =
Fast, close "Here I am!"

Larry Brash with:
Online gambling websites =
Game... bet big... no win... illness.

Adie Pena with:
Selfie Camera App =
Face, smile appear.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Interest group =
Peers tutoring.

Tyler Severance with:
I can feel it in my bones =
My beneficial tension.

Adie Pena with:
Extra large =
A regal T. Rex.

Maurice Goddard with:
Hymn noted deep belief that God *IS* ~
beyond time and the speed of light.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Here's how to get a girlfriend =
See goer and go flirt with her.

Andrew with:
Overnight sensation ~
or astonishing event?

Rosie Perera with:
Sleep disturbance =
Clear upsets in bed.

Rosie Perera with:
The addictiveness of sugar =
Thousands eat fridge's vice.

nedesto with:
An Olympian =
Nominal pay.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Is not arrogance ~
sorta ignorance?

Magrano Magakean with:
Quod erat demonstrandum =
Tandem quondam redortus.

View with:
Dainty gal ‡
Giant lady.

Meyran Kraus with:
A sinister villain ~
sits in an evil lair.

Rosie Perera with:
The electronic banking transaction =
It's an online check, not bartering act.

Snafu I'll Jot with:
Fat in, sugar out: Label creates new food hierarchy =
Our fanatical hunger for death by sweet calories

Ellie with:
The new movies =
One views them.

naturegirl with:
Lodestar =
East Lord

db with:
The dregs of the Earth =
The Godfather's there!


1st - Tony Crafter with:
Doc =
Achy nose
See - 'GP'

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
The James Bond movie Goldfinger =
I fight men, Oddjob, even Ms. Galore!

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
Oscar party =
Actors pray.

View with:
Dutch Johannes Vermeer's "Girl with a Pearl Earring" =
Painter drew juvenile gal. He airs her strong charm.

View with:
The professional dentist =
Find teeth roots (less pain).

Ellie Dent with:
The movie Goldfinger, starring *the* Sean Connery =
Dr No fans might recognise a gent in the very role.

Scott Gardner with:
The Seattle Seahawks ‡
Has weakest athletes.

Dan Fortier with:
Philip Seymour Hoffman is dead =
Sad life: I had my pumps of heroin.

Christopher Sturdy with:
In the game of chess ~
one schemes a fight.

nedesto with:
The Winter Olympic Games at Sochi, Russia =
Harsh climate suiting awesome icy sport.

Ellie Dent with:
Irises, Saint-Remy: Vincent Van Gogh's painting. =
Eyeing a stem in Spring: it's thriving on canvas.

Eric Harshbarger with:
The Winter Olympics in Sochi =
Sports in which I only met ice.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Disney Movie "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" =
Wee misfits hid endowed servant? Heavens, why not!

Adie Pena with:
"Fifty Years of the Beatles" =
A hefty offer says: "Let It Be."

Christopher Sturdy with:
Philomena =
I am no help.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream =
A dour time to humans vs. machine.

Scott Gardner with:
Ice skater =
See a trick.

Scott Gardner with:
Olympic skater =
Simply a rocket!

Scott Gardner with:
Great Britain's Eon Productions =
Roots are in giant Bond pictures.

Rosie Perera with:
Canada beats the US in women's AND men's hockey! =
Teams made news, can best Yanks on ice, huh? (A nod.)

Meyran Kraus with:
Alfonso Cuaron's feature film 'Gravity' =
Terrors of floating 'safely' in a vacuum.


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Winter Games in Sochi =
There is magic in the snow!

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
Weather's promising ~
a Springtime shower.

3rd - Julian Lofts with:
Philip Seymour Hoffman dead =
Unhappy life framed his doom.

Rosie Perera with:
Edward Snowden is nominated for Nobel Peace Prize =
Peer spread word on NSA file cabinet; now demonized.

Julian Lofts with:
Philip Seymour Hoffman dead =
Unhappy mood framed his life.

View with:
Teacher Erin Cougill =
Lecture (hic!)... Gin or ale?

Rosie Perera with:
Seattle Seahawks crush Denver Broncos =
We observe staunchness, or hard tackles!

nedesto with:
February in Two Thousand Fourteen =
Snow foray buried the unfortunate.

Adie Pena with:
Valentine's Day celebration =
A dinner event; a society ball.

Ellie Dent with:
Sochi Winter Games, Twenty-Fourteen =
Get news of City where tournament is.

Mark Huffman with:
"Reporting from the Sochi Olympics" =
Forgo "chic" - prompt misery in hotels!

Eric Harshbarger with:
Fourteenth of February =
Your heart bereft of fun?

Christopher Sturdy with:
Saint Valentine's Day =
Invent a sad, nasty lie.

Mark Huffman with:
Ambassador Shirley Temple =
The day's RIP: memorable lass.

George Sicherman with:
I crave a lady, and sent ~
a Valentine's Day card.

View with:
Valentine's Day, Two Thousand and Fourteen =
Wounded? True and honest love ain't fantasy!

Rosie Perera with:
The National Corvette Museum in Bowling Green, KY =
Net eulogy: "Vintage car went into sinkhole. Bummer!"

Ellie Dent with:
Celebration of Saint Valentine's Day=
It's intense love declaration by a fan.

Maurice Goddard with:
Virgin Mary Statue 'Weeps Oil' In Israel =
Real emotive spiritual sign! Any wiser?

Larry Brash with:
President Viktor Yanukovich =
Dope shrunk at victory in Kiev.

Julian Lofts with:
Oldest known Holocaust survivor "Gigi" dies =
Doer outlived shocking war, so outliving SS.

Julian Lofts with:
What are the chances of a third world war? =
We watch China warlords' hatred of Earth.

Julian Lofts with:
Leopard wreaks havoc in an Indian city =
A wild cat provokes anarchy in NE India.

Dharam Khalsa with:
March comes in like a lion, and goes out like a lamb =
All the ominous Klondike air becomes calm again.

Tony Crafter with:
Helen Mirren DBE is now sixty-eight years old =
Senior men delight in her real sexy body wits.


1st - nedesto with:
1. Adam and Eve
2. Lucifer
3. Noah
4. Moses
5. Saul the king
6. Gabriel
1. Shamed us
2. Foul? Me??
3. Big ark!
4. Covenant
5. Head Israeli
6. Angel

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel =
Pair sang ultramundane folk.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The late child actress Shirley Temple =
I recall the acts, her style, the dimples!

View with:
Actor Philip Seymour Hoffman =
Oh, my, each film - our top!. RIP (fans).

Tony Crafter with:
The sisters Elisabetta and Francesca Grillo =
Character assassins left Nigella to be tried.

Julian Lofts with:
Kourtney Mary Kardashian =
I am rather skanky, darn you!

David Bourke with:
Wendi Deng and Tony Blair =
Dinner...bed...laying to dawn.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Actress Shirley Temple ~
selects perm hairstyle.

Ivan Andonov with:
American actor Peter Dinklage =
Rare midget can pick a neat role.

Mark Huffman with:
Snowboarding legend Shaun White =
Sweating, he whines, "Bad run! No gold!"

Christopher Sturdy with:
David Seymour ~
drives you mad!

Julian Lofts with:
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian =
We're it - kinda skanky and a sham.

David Bourke with:
Simon's son Eric Cowell =
New clone crisis looms!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The comedian Russell Edward Brand =
A rebel mind and adult words - cheers!

Adie Pena with:
The playwright Sartre ~
was partly right there.

Larry Brash with:
Miranda Barbour =
Rumor: "A bad brain".

db with:
Fernando Duarte =
A darned fortune!

Ellie with:
Dame Helen Lydia Mirren =
I'm really in demand here!

db with:
Trumpeter Miles Dewey Davis =
Supreme reviews, admittedly!

Rosie Perera with:
Alanis Nadine Morissette =
A sad siren. I mean to listen.


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The fast-food restaurant chain McDonald's =
Adults faced months of constant diarrhea.

2nd - Jason Lofts with:
Microsoft Internet Explorer =
Moron's free explicit torrent.

3rd - Adie Pena with:
Listerine Antiseptic Mouthwash =
I must rinse with that special one.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
American Institute of Bisexuality =
Caution: extreme unsatisfiability.

Tony Crafter with:
The Republic Of Kazakhstan =
That sizeable chunk of park!

Larry Brash with:
The Winter Olympics at Sochi =
Try macho hip snow/ice titles.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Krispy Kreme Donuts =
Yum, per kiosk trends.

Andrew with:
Australia's Operation Sovereign Borders =
"No Asian arrivals!" bourgeois set reported.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Manus Island Detention Centre =
Sad result: detain innocent men.

Christopher Sturdy with:
London Gatwick =
Won't do. Lacking.

Tyler Severance with:
The Florida everglades national preserve =
Haven for alligators/reptiles, never a deed.

Scott Gardner with:
Stanford School of Medicine =
Has old men in doctor offices.

Rosie Perera with:
The Journal of Physical Activity and Health =
Healthy jaunt helps avoid chronic fatality.

nedesto with:
The McDonalds chain of fast food restaurants =
I can't stomach sound of horde's fat-laden farts!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Klondike Ice Cream Bar =
And each mere lick broke it!

Larry Brash with:
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder =
I find it, the creativity scenario, pretty odd.

Rosie Perera with:
The American Numismatic Association =
I aim at most eminent, archaic, USA coins.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences =
Cinema funded Oscars; nice time to pay actors.

Larry Brash with:
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder =
The creativity scenario? I find it pretty odd.

Rosie Perera with:
The Scottish Independence Referendum Bill =
Let's secede from the unneeded Brit linchpin.

View with:
The Burger King =
Big hunger trek


1st - Adie Pena with:
The Three Worst Actors in Hollywood History
1. Keanu Reeves
2. Hayden Christensen
3. William Shatner
1. They currently call him 'Neo.'
2. Hey, ladies! He's one wooden hero in "Star Wars."
3. Is in the "Star Trek" TV show.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
If you spell 'cabbage' in reverse, it'll sound like 't-shirts'! Did you know that incredible fact? Go on, try it!
Gullibility: A person's tendency to be easily deceived or to fall for absurd tricks without thinking.

3rd - Magrano Magakean with:
Nox erat et caelo fulgebat Luna sereno
inter minora sidera

-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
Quite earthbound,
I can sail so far;
tour an ocean
of such luminous
extraterrestrial elegance.

Tyler Severance with:
would you rather be a
werewolf man
serial killer
evil clown
a devil vice
boogie man
mower wheel.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Man fights off shark, stitches up own leg, goes to the pub
Though stuff happens (e.g. harm), confess Kiwi's got bottle!

Tony Crafter with:
Main Reasons For Being Late For Work

5. You don't feel well
4. Car key vanished
3. Car broke down
2. Stopped by police
1. Your wife's fault

5. Full-on flu. No one cares
4. Key lost by wife, Rosy
3. Wife hadn't put gas in
2. Wife booked - wrecked a patrol car
1. I'd never blame poor Rosy!

Julian Lofts with:
Ménage à trois:
1. Amanda Knox
2. Raffaele Sollecito
3. Meredith Kercher
A triangle:
1. No remorse, had affairs - catch me!
2. Exonerate me, OK!
3. Killed

Ed Pegg Jr with:
"He never got the needle out of his arm. They don't if the shot is right." =
Frontline TV series hit home tonight through the eyes of the dead.

Maurice Goddard with:
The dark side of Vladimir Putin's Winter Olympic Games =
Mid a flame, mighty evil widespread corruption stinks!

Jason Lofts with:

The Perugia Trio - a real nasty crime of passion whodunnit:
1. Meredith Kercher
2. Amanda Knox
3. Raffaele Sollecito
An Italian opera
1. Fate: murdered - throat cut (no lie!)
2. Feisty American who had sex games? Heck, no.
3. Prison for killer?

View with:
1.Michael Cera
2.Danny Trejo
3.Michelle Rodriguez
4.Jennifer Aniston
5.Hugh Grant
6.Morgan Freeman
7.Samuel L.Jackson
5.Injured English
6.Moral, clean and stern manners
7.Zeal; major henchman

Julian Lofts with:
"Papillon" - it's an old movie starring Steve McQueen as Henri Charriere and Dustin Hoffman as Louis Dega
A malcontent and forger escaped from harsh inhumane prison, leave iniquitous Devil's Island. Is great!

Christopher Sturdy with:
The most incredible statistic about Cristiano Ronaldo's career so far
Football star records a score in each minute. It is a record boast isn't it?!

David Bourke with:
Andrew Stoodley from Stonehouse, near Stroud, in Gloucestershire =
Lowers mirror-on-string to see lady of the house nude, and sees court.

Maurice Goddard with:
Hi! A nice bit of crumpet! Dashing! Chic! Slim! Damn sweet! Well refined! Adored!
Catherine Middleton, Prince William's wife and the Duchess of Cambridge!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Children's book with nude pictures causes a stir in France =
I can't show nice class kids untrue airbrushed perfection.

Magrano Magakean with:
And we, all of us really like the Anagrammy Awards Website and the Forum =
Why we nominate the best of all, fame and drama really draw us like sugar!

Magrano Magakean with:
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday: those are the days of the week
Our heyday ended; hushed to distant daydreams, the far away sunny yesterdays fade away to dusk.

Magrano Magakean with:
"You better stop. Hey, what's that sound? Everybody look what's goin' down."=
Old top hit songs are the very best, no doubt. Do you know why we say that?

Dharam Khalsa with:
The days of the week: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday
Deny yesterday's dust-dry fund, make hay today, hand-sow seed, and await future hay days.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Days of the Week:
Rest day
First weekday
Hasten day
Must rush day
Snafu day
Unwed date day
"Honey-do" day

Maurice Goddard with:
Various ominous names of Hell's Master are:

1: Beelzebub
2: The Devil
3: Lucifer
4: The Tempter
5: Prince of Darkness
6: Satan
7: Old Nick
Seven detested faces reek of boastful demon vice!

1: N.Korea's ruler
2: Hitler
3: Stalin
4: Himmler
5: Top Nazis
6: Mao
7: Republican Bush!

Jason Lofts with:
Woman takes Barbie transformation to extreme, uses hypnotherapy to become 'brainless'
A freak babe with enormous teats (breast implants) trains to become one hyper-sexy moron.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer." - Albert Einstein
Tosh! I silently persist at a maths test a long time, but with jitters - no brainstorm!

nedesto with:
The top valued brands:

1. Microsoft
2. Apple
3. IBM
4. McDonald's
1. Bill's road
2. Steve's path
3. Computer camp
4. Mind bland food?

David Bourke with:
The fast-food restaurant chain, the McDonald's Corporation =
To include here: A fat stomach, horrid farts, and constant poo!

Ellie Dent with:
Julius Caesar walks into a classy bar. 'I feel I need a fresh Martinus!' Bar tender William, laughs, 'Don't you mean a Martini?'
Caesar says: 'Listen barman, let me, as a ruler, remind you, I'm Julius Caesar. If and when I want a double, hang it, I'll ask for it!'


1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Rare (very!)
Unselfish ego
Enhances face
Looks ahead
Obvious heat
Vowed in wedlock

2nd - Magrano Magakean with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Should fickle love's deficit savagely wound us, what can relieve the onerous aches of a broken heart?

Eq3rd - Larry Brash with:
True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Oh, a shock how lucky the two different genders are able to have survived a life as one social nucleus.

Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." -Francois de La Rochefoucauld
I've seen one! She was a scorcher; full-curved; what a butt! I fell in love...
Ok... did he say 'seen a 'goat' or...?
Oh... fuck.

Christopher Sturdy with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." -Francois de La Rochefoucauld
You chase shadows due to the fact love divine be rare as rocking horse shit!
Fuck fun, leave well alone!

nedesto with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." -Francois de La Rochefoucauld
But how is a wife like an oyster?

She's real cultivated and she'll even reek of such a vague odor of conch.

Josiah Winslow with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de la Rochefoucauld
Love is a deceitful, obscure, hostile, woeful, heavy, unseen, fear-evoking hassle, and hard work to catch.

Tyler Severance with:
> > "True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen" - Francois de la Rochefoucauld =

Wrathful revenge lacks a voice of reason; know there is such evil hate if you need a blood lust chased.

Larry Brash with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
OK, confess, eh? Hatred is like a very real thing we all often feel about our wives' suave dachshund, Coco!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Valentine's Day is savage for the unwooed, cheerless, lovesick bachelor with no future of luck ahead.

Rosie Perera with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
I have such seedy lovers who hang around in the attic, create foul noises, scare beloved wakeful folk.

Tyler Severance with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen" - Francois de la Rochefoucauld =

Value love OK

Gracefulness on a
Hitched view. Unfaithful
Schoolteacher DD, aye a

Julian Lofts with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Overview of Twelfth century lovers
See Heloise and theologian
Abelard accused. Shock!


Dharam Khalsa with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Oh, our love is like sugar-free cake -- heavenly, but has a confessed downside: flatulence havoc. Worth it?

Christopher Sturdy with:
True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
How we chuckle as cranky hero of One Foot In The Grave has a dreadful, valueless cuss: "I don't believe it!"

Mark Huffman with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Also these: Dracula (it can suck so hard), or ghoul (if wife, even a very hot, svelte one, is foul, bad wench). Eek!

Adie Pena with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Ah, success for a luckless beau who at fifteen would clearly give his heart to hook Andrée de Vivonne!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
We ask about a dove
Who called for her love;
A sure success,
For hunched in a nest,
They fit in like a glove!

Maurice Goddard with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"A cause and idea to seek Love's face you cherish in the full orchestral works of Ludwig van Beethoven!"

Ellie Dent with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
I think elusive ghouls evoke a fable: shadowy witchcraft. Our real love, once found, teases and cheers.

Rosie Perera with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
If your love lives in a haunted house, he's a wreck each eve! I'd offer a new lock and to call Ghostbusters.

Magrano Magakean with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"Hey, thou fiend," Faust asks: "Can we cancel our deal? OK?" The devil laughs: "No. For the vow is irrevocable, see?"

David Bourke with:

"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld =
'Though a dose of 'flu is like curvaceous Kate Winslet's shorn beaver...each and every fellow had it once!

Jason Lofts with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
So, whatever filial echoes Burns' "Auld Lang Syne" evoked, I have a Scotch 'n' Coke for the adulterous wife.

Ellie Dent with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
All who seek to achieve love, reveal dire fantasy: 'cos fools rush in, get wed, find another beau, chuck us!

Mey K. with:

"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld


Like bad sounds in each hall
Of wretched hate, now near,
Vague levity of souls
Evokes our hectic fears.

View with:
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
THE LOVE! The Chase! The Wish! A graceful, careful or evil, fatuous idea? Kindness? Care? LOVE - nobody knows!!!


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
I have a little test for you! It requires speed, but it's not that hard. Try to name the color of these things as fast as possible:



A piece of paper

Oreo filling

Are you done? Great! Now say the name of that color aloud eight times fast.


No, weirdo, that's not true at all. You see, cows drink water, not milk.


If you liked that, here's another really nice trick (but this will also require speed). Repeat the following words to yourself:






All done? Phenomenal! Now repeat the word Coast five times fast.


No, I'm afraid you got confused again. We stick bread in the toaster, not toast.

2nd - nedesto with:
A young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a relatively straightforward lawsuit whereupon he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

While St. Peter asked him inside he began complaining that his death had got to be some kind of mistake. "Wait! I'm much too young to be dead! Why I'm only thirty!"

St. Peter agreed that thirty seemed to be very young to enter the pearly gates, and finally agreed that he'd check on his case.

When St. Peter returned, he cooly told the attorney, "Well my son, I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours..."

"We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to all of your clients: You are a hundred and two!"


One morning in court, one attorney looked at the other, "You do look truly bushed this morning!"

The other lawyer said despondently, "I got up with this most beastly headache yesterday morning and no matter what, I can't get rid of the damned thing."

The first lawyer shrugged. "When I get terrible headaches, I take a few hours off during the day, go home, and make passionate love to my stunningly beautiful wife. Works every time for me," he said.

Later that afternoon, the two lawyers met. The first assured the second, "You seem much better!"

The second replied happily, "Yes, that was brilliant advice you gave me. And you have got an absolutely beautiful house too, by the way."

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Two Irishmen, Mick and Clearie, are standing at the foot of a flagpole, looking up at it.

A blonde comes by and asks the men what they're doing.

Mick replies scornfully, 'Well, blondie, we're supposed to be foinding out da height of dis flagpole, but they forgot to give us any ladders.'

The girl immediately produces an adjustable wrench from her bag, loosens a few nuts and bolts and lays the pole down.

She then produces a tape measure from her coat pocket, takes a few measurements, and announces that it is exactly 18ft 6 inches.

Then she marches off.

Mick says to Clearie, 'Now ain't dat just loike a female! We need da hoight and she gives us da bloody length.'


Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Matt Keegan. Welcome to Flight BA186, from London Heathrow to Barbados. We've got good weather ahead, so it should be an uneventful flight. Just sit back, get relaxed, and we.... OH, MY GOD!'

Dead silence followed.

Some moments later, Capt. Keegan came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, sorry if I scared you when I stopped speaking just now, but a stewardess spilled a cup of hot coffee on my lap. Hell, you should see the front of my pants!'

One Irish passenger yelled...

'For f**k's sake, man ... you should see the back of mine!'

Maurice Goddard with:
The Eleven Most Attractive Things Men Do Without Even Realizing

1. Be kind, especially to strangers.
2. Laugh out loud.
3. Roll up their shirtsleeves.
4. Go gooey-eyed.
5. Speak passionately.
6. Hold a conversation.
7. Concentrate hard.
8. Cook.
9. Use eye contact, "especially when there's a bunch of pretty girls around."
10. Be thoughtful.
11. Hug from behind.
Heed Eleven Cheesy Unpleasant

1. Brag about the size of their manhood!
2. Consider emotions to be crap.
3. Rude to guests.
4. Tedious lot talk only technical stuff!
5. Leave the loo seat up.
6. Hurry having shags.
7. Openly scratch their testicles!
8. Look very innocent when guilty.
9. Appear to know all.
10. Greedily hog their grub.
11. Even curse, goddamn it!

Tyler Severance with:
8 reasons why men's lives are easier
1. Their last names stays with them forever
2. Phone conversations last 30 seconds flat
3. A five day vacation only requires one pair of jeans
4. If someone forgets to invite them to hangout, they can still be friends
5. The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades
6. They can do shopping for 25 relatives in 25 minutes
7. They don't freak out when they go to a party and see another man wearing the same shirt instead they become buddies.
8. Facebook friends list is less than one hundred
8 reasons why women's lives are easier
1. Being a mother for the first time
2. Elated to that talkativeness on the phone
3. They can divorce their spouse and win the kids, possession of household belongings and money.
4. Their maiden name is useless after marriage, fine with them
5. Attentiveness to have 25 pairs of all clothes and shoes for everyday needs
6. Hot lady enjoys frequenting Victoria's Secret
7. Savor the need for constant sympathy
8. Harlotry fantasy - Don't care if men eye beautiful breasts and nice ass.

Ellie Dent with:
The Stupidest Man On Earth

One winter's day, there was a very bad flood in a village.

One man said to everyone, 'I will stay and pray. God will save me!'

The flood got higher, and a boat came. The man in it said, 'Come on mate, quickly, get on board!'

'No,' replied the man. 'God will save me!'

The flood got very high indeed, and the man had to stand way up on the roof of his house.


A helicopter then came hovering by to offer help. In vain, for the man said, adamantly, 'No, no, God will save me! '

Alas, ultimately, the sad man died... by drowning.

When he got to the gates of heaven, he said to God, 'I have a question: 'My Lord, why didn't you save me?'

And God replied, 'For goodness sake man, I tried to! Hell, I sent a boat, and a helicopter. What more do you want?!'

Jason Lofts with:
Five Spiciest Dishes on Earth
5 Neua Pad Prik (Thai Pepper Steak)
4 Sichuan Hot-Pot
3 Vindaloo Pork
2 Phall Curry
1 Shrimp Cocktail at St. Elmo Steak House, Indiana
5 Has chilis, paprika – heaps!
4 Incendiary device’s heat provoked perspiration
3 Has made me ill, shout out "Stop!" in pain
2 It's a proper knockout!
1 Fuck, that's lethal!

Julian Lofts with:
"In spite of his life seeming superficially great, in spite of all the praise and accolades, in spite of all the loving friends and family, there is a predominant voice in the mind of an addict that supersedes all reason and that voice wants you dead," Brand says.
Philip Seymour Hoffman was one of the finest actors of his generation. Life can be insane and fatal, sadly. Addicts - pills and drugs are NOT the solution. It is an accident. It is a tragedy. Please send prayers to Mimi and the children. Pip is deified. Vale. Vale. Vale.

David Bourke with:

"Oh shit, oh shit! Whatever why I’m so so missing Tony.
Because he is so so charming and his clothes are so good.
He has such good body and he has really really good legs
butt and he is slim tall and good skin. Pierce blue eyes
which I love. Love his eyes. Also I love his power on the
stage...and what else and what else and what else...?”

- Wendi Deng=
"Oh, I need Cherie! What a goddess! Oh, no - it's agony, I'm
so obsessed! She is a delight! Oh, the wild eyes! At least
three chins, on a wide-shaped mouth! A saggy, slack ass
and nice legs! Oh god, oh so lovely! She's a sweet woman...
sod her shallow, conniving husband, I beg she'll leave the
oily tosser one day! Why wait? Hell, I have billions!

- Rupert Murdoch

David Bourke with:

"Oh shit, oh shit! Whatever why I’m so so missing Tony.
Because he is so so charming and his clothes are so good.
He has such good body and he has really really good legs
butt and he is slim tall and good skin. Pierce blue eyes
which I love. Love his eyes. Also I love his power on the
stage...and what else and what else and what else...?”

- Wendi Deng


"Oh, I need Cherie! What a goddess! Oh, it's agony, I'm
so obsessed! She is a delight! Oh, the wild eyes! At least
three chins, on a wide-shaped mouth! A saggy ass, cankles
...nice legs! Oh god, oh so lovely! She's a sweet woman...
sod her shallow, conniving husband, I beg she'll leave the
oily tosser one day! Why wait? I have billions!"


- Rupert Murdoch

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Tomorrow is Saint Valentine’s day,
All in the morning betime,
And I a maid at your window,
To be your Valentine.
Then up he rose, and donned his clothes,
And dupped the chamber door.
Let in the maid that out a maid
Never departed more."
(Shakespeare, Hamlet)
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day;
At an early time in the morn,
I, a maid, wait beside the house,
Intend to admit deep true love.
The man stood up, put on apparel,
And unlatched the bedroom lock.
He met and led her in, had her disrobe,
And she wasn’t a virgin anymore.

Jason Lofts with:
A few words from my heart
Oscar Pistorius

"No words can adequately capture my feelings about the devastating accident that has caused such heartache for everyone who truly loved - and continues to love - Reeva.

The pain and sadness - especially for Reeva's parents, family and friends - consumes me with sorrow.

The loss of Reeva and the complete trauma of that day, I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Oscar."


Half accurate account of Valentine’s Day Massacre

"Last Valentine’s Day I overreacted after a bedroom tiff and shot my lover who was on the toilet. Why? I had no prostheses on and was very scared of an intruder, I swear.

Fact is, the cow may have chaffed at me, "Such a queer impotent legless wretch!". So what? She placated herself. As for my unusual propensity for violence...

I'm so sorry."

Premeditated murder or not guilty?

Maurice Goddard with:
All the way through twelve months of the year in England

1. January
2. February
3. March
4. April
5. May
6. June
7. July
8. August
9. September
10. October
11. November
12. December
1. Wet hell.
2. Yet more rain!
3. Dull.
4. Boat Race fever!
5. Rhubarb jam!
6. Mighty green!
7. Gardens bloom!
8. Fab anywhere!
9. Harvest joy!
10. Autumn.
11. Eat crumpets!
12. Enjoy Yule Punch!

Adie Pena with:
by Pink Floyd
1. "Speak to Me"
2. "Breathe"
3. "On the Run"
4. "Time" (includes "Breathe [Reprise]")
5. "The Great Gig in the Sky"
6. "Money"
7. "Us and Them"
8. "Any Colour You Like"
9. "Brain Damage"
10. "Eclipse"
1. Sound effects
2. They think "Be Green"
3. Airplane trip mayhem
4. Clocks
5. Deemed "The Religion Song"
6. Tape loop beauty
7. Antonioni shirked
8. "Breathe"-like
9. Berserk humanity theme
10. Doomsday augury

Christopher Sturdy with:
An Act to make provision for the disclosure of information held by public authorities or by persons providing services for them and to amend the Data Protection Act 1998 and the Public Records Act 1958; and for connected purposes.
To paraphrase title for that document, it concerns access to papers held in offices on each of the United Kingdom's 58181999* private individuals, be they a baby or terror suspect, dustman or VIP, MP, financier, con, doctor or blood donor.

Maurice Goddard with:
Nine of the worst smelling flowers in the world:

1: Titan arum, corpse flower
2: Eastern skunk cabbage
3: Rafflesia arnoldii, corpse flower
4: Hydnora africana
5: Carob tree
6: Bulbophyllum phalaenopsis
7: Helicodiceros muscivorus, dead horse arum
8: Stapelia gigantea
9: Dracunculus vulgaris
Powerful nauseating odours we can cough much vomit over:

1: Bacterial gangrene
2: A rotten cauliflower
3: Staler pissoirs in France
4: Bear droppings (really foul)
5: Used diapers
6: Fluid from a skunk's anal hole
7: Animals' wet diarrhoea
8: Cesspit slurry from swine
9: Alcoholic's bad breath belch

Magrano Magakean with:
Yeah, it's true that Jack is back. "Twenty-Four: Live Another Day"
premieres May the fifth - and (spoiler) the twelve-episode series
takes place in London (not L.A.)


(Spoiler, okay?) - See, I think Jack himself needs to persuade
that bitter, fervently defiant analyst, Chloe, to help stop a
treacherous enemy, and avert WWIII.


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Love at the lips was touch
As sweet as I could bear;
And once that seemed too much;
I lived on air

That crossed me from sweet things
The flow of — was it musk
From hidden grapevine springs
Downhill at dusk?

I had the swirl and ache
From sprays of honeysuckle
That when they're gathered shake
Dew on the knuckle.

I craved strong sweets, but those
Seemed strong when I was young;
The petal of the rose
It was that stung.

Now no joy but lacks salt
That is not dashed with pain
And weariness and fault;
I crave the stain

Of tears, the aftermark
Of almost too much love,
The sweet of bitter bark
And burning clove.

His Kiss Her Kiss

His hands are very weak and wet Her features glow as she lies back,
As he advances awkwardly, And drops her guard for some sweet fling;
And knows just that he mustn't fret, He nervously planned to attack
And either ace this test or flee. And now, at last, it's happening.
But what if she will think his moves A golden moment would be good;
Are too intense... or not enough? Indeed, we want to be impressed -
So much to do with much to prove; But errors won't affect her mood:
It can be wise if he acts tough... That crafty move is not a test -
Chicks actually love that stuff. It's how he'd manage all the rest.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
An unusual new store has opened in Georgia, America, where a woman may go to buy a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. It says:

'You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the husbands increases as you ascend each flight.
You, the customer may select any item from a particular floor, or you may elect to go up to the next level but you can not go back down except to exit the building!'

A young woman went to the Husband Store to try and find a husband. On the first floor the sign said:

Floor ONE - These Men Are All Employed.

She was intrigued, but continued to the second floor anyway, where the sign read:

Floor TWO - These Men Are All Employed and Like Children.

'That's quite nice,' she thought, 'but I'd want more.'

So she continued upward. The third floor sign said:

Floor THREE - These Men are all Employed in Secure Jobs, Love Children, and are Very Good Looking.

'Wow!' she thought, but felt compelled to keep going.

She got to the fourth floor and the sign said:

Floor FOUR - These Men all Have Secure Jobs, Love Children, are Very Good Looking and Like Helping With Housework.

'My!' she exclaimed, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she went up to the fifth floor, where the sign said:

Floor FIVE - These Men all Have A Secure Job that Pays Them Very Well, They Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Like Helping With the Housework, Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are all Very Faithful.

She was tempted to stay, but went up to the final floor anyway, where the sign read:

Floor SIX - You are visitor Eighteen-million five-hundred-and-twenty-eight thousand-and-twenty-nine to this level. There aren't any men here. This floor exists as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for visiting the Husband Store. Please exit to the right to make space for more unreasonable customers!

To avoid any gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions were posted at the entrance to this store as well.

The first level says: Wives that Enjoy Sex.

The second says: Wives that Enjoy Sex and Have Their Own Money and Like To Have a Drink.

Apparently, the third, fourth, fifth and sixth levels have never been visited.


A boatload of wealthy tourists stopped at a remote Mexican fishing village.

One of the tourists complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took them to catch them.

"Not very long." they answered in unison.

"So why don't you stay out longer and catch more?"

The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to cover their needs and those of their families.

"But how do you spend the rest of your time?" asked the tourist.

"Oh, we sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, have siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go over to the village tavern to see our friends, have a drink or two, play the guitar, relax and sing some songs. We have a good, stress-free life."

The tourist interrupted, "Look, I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should begin by fishing for longer every day.

"You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can purchase extra, even bigger, boats."

"And after that?"

"Ok; with the extra money those larger boats earn, you can purchase second boats and third boats and so on until you possess a whole fleet of trawlers.

"Then, instead of just selling the fish to middle-men," he expounded, "you can negotiate direct with the processing plants, or perhaps even open a plant of your own! You can then leave this remote village and move to Mexico City, or Los Angeles, or even good old New York! From there you'll be able to direct the whole enterprise."

"So, just how long would that take?"

"Oh, we're only looking at perhaps twenty years or so," replied the tourist.

"And then?"

"And then? Oh, Jesus, that's when it becomes even more exciting!" exclaimed the tourist. "When the business gets really enormous, you can then start to buy and sell stocks and shares, make several million and end up as major shareholders!"

"Several million? Goodness! And after that?" asked the fishermen.

"After that you'll be able to retire to a remote village on the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, have siestas with your wives and spend the odd evening drinking and enjoying a stress-free life with your friends."

“But that’s just what we do now,” observed the fishermen.

And the moral of the story is:

Know where you're going in life... You might already be there!
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Frank Sinatra

My funny valentine
Sweet comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
Yet you're my favourite work of art

Is your figure less than greek
Is your mouth a little weak
When you open it to speak
Are you smart?

But don't change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little valentine stay
Each day is valentines day

Is your figure less than greek
Is your mouth a little weak
When you open it to speak
Are you smart?

But don't you change one hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little valentine stay
Each day is valentines day

Sung by
Wendi Deng (a fan)

My Tony valentine
How can I make you mine
If you love Cherie amour?
Your butt is like a peach
Soft, furry, outta reach
Which makes me yearn for you much more.

In that natty suit you're svelte,
Yes, it's made of silk, what else!
And your trousers will be felt
I guarantee!

Your eyes are a piercing blue
Your skin a rare orange hue
Stay Mr 'Valentine' Blair
Let's have a foreign affair!

Oh, I love that gallant streak
And your mouth kissing my cheek
Yet, when you open it to speak
Does it lie?

You are my total fantasy
So top up that tan for me
Fly to me Tony, okay?
Valentine, let's run away!

Magrano Magakean with:
Hallo! A great deal of steam! The pudding was
out of the copper. A smell like a washing-day!
That was the cloth. A smell like an eating-house
and a pastrycook's next door to each other, with a
laundress's next door to that! That was the pudding!
In half a minute Mrs. Cratchit entered -- flushed,
but smiling proudly -- with the pudding, like a
speckled cannon-ball, so hard and firm, blazing
in half of half-a-quartern of ignited brandy, and
bedight with Christmas holly stuck into the top.

Oh, a wonderful pudding! Bob Cratchit said, and
calmly too, that he regarded it as the greatest
success achieved by Mrs. Cratchit since their
marriage. Mrs. Cratchit said that, now the weight
was off her mind, she would confess she had her
doubts about the quantity of flour. Everybody had
something to say about it, but nobody said or
thought it was at all a small pudding for a large
family. It would have been flat heresy to do so.
Any Cratchit would have blushed to hint at such
a thing.

At last the dinner was all done, the cloth was
cleared, the hearth swept, and the fire made up.
The compound in the jug being tasted, and
considered perfect, apples and oranges were put
upon the table, and a shovel full of chestnuts
on the fire. Then all the Cratchit family drew
round the hearth in what Bob Cratchit called a
circle, meaning half a one; and at Bob Cratchit's
elbow stood the family display of glass. Two
tumblers and a custard cup without a handle.

These held the hot stuff from the jug, however,
as well as golden goblets would have done; and
Bob served it out with beaming looks, while the
chestnuts on the fire sputtered and cracked
noisily. Then Bob proposed:

"A merry Christmas to us all, my dears.
God bless us!"

Which all the family re-echoed.

"God bless us every one!" said Tiny Tim,
the last of all.=
Charles Dickens' classic "A Christmas Carol" tells the
story of Ebenezer Scrooge (he, that bitter, frowning,
hardened, miserly tightwad), whose visitations by
ghosts -- the specter ghost of dead Jacob Marley and
the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Christmas Present, and
Christmas Yet to Come -- foreshadow and herald such
a wonderful, benevolent change that happens afterward
in that old man's heart.

Dedicated to fans, these perhaps foolishly awkward
afterthoughts that follow hereunder shall complete
this short whimsical anagram about that delightful
narrative -- that dignified, didactic, delicious
fictitious tale, which that bright, perspicacious,
sagacious, sedulous, distinguished author had
skillfully accomplished.

On behalf thereof, we've thought to adjudge and
(in a few words) attest that we'd think that his
whole book -- that powerful work, that beautiful,
that masterful, that fanciful, that noble, that notable,
that laudable, that hopeful, remarkable, insightful,
fantastical, delightful, enchanting, enlightening,
charming, captivating, absorbing, pertinent,
transcendent, matchless, magnificent, great, superb,
worthy, worthwhile, famed, beloved, eloquent, profound,
and also, we should adamantly add, unquestionably,
undebatably, undoubtedly unsurpassed, incomparable,
thus nowhither nowhence outclassed, wonderful classic --
should rightly, reasonably, deservedly continue to be
lauded wholeheartedly, loved unabashedly, praised,
promoted, exalted, extolled, credited, commended,
commemorated, celebrated, happily highlighted,
seasonally showcased, assiduously and attentively
adapted, and thoroughly immortalised to boot,
hitherto, henceforth and hereafter.

Who'd say "Bah! Bah, humbug!" to that?
Hah! Nobody we know.

Adie Pena with:
The dew was on the ground love
When first I met with thee
And now we two, do roam love
Upon the boundless sea—
In this good ship, we sail love
“Dundalk” it is by name
And when we get to town love
We two will be the same.
-- by Alexander Graham Bell


Whining wheel, babe's wet butt,
Tiny Dave and what he wrote.
Heroes and settled sweet wimps,
Or duo tweeting a shallow note.
Wants, well, what one likes
Ensuing, whether good or bad,
Doubt and hoax we'll view;
To see them all on an iPad.

Rosie Perera with:
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.

--Robert Frost
Nowadays filthy lucre doesn't last;
It gets used for trinkets all too fast.
The only way to be free of greed
Is offer a hand to those in need.
Go on! Honor beggars and -- (hush) -- drug users,
and all who are born losers.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Lennon's song 'Rain'
Performed by the Beatles

If the rain comes
They run and hide their heads
They might as well be dead
If the rain comes
If the rain comes

When the sun shines
They slip into the shade
And sip their lemonade
When the sun shines
When the sun shines

Rain, I don't mind
Shine, the weather's fine

I can show you
That when it starts to rain
Everything's the same
I can show you
I can show you

Rain, I don't mind
Shine, the weather's fine

Can you hear me
That when it rains and shines
It's just a state of mind
Can you hear me
Can you hear me=
Insane Nonsense By A Scouser On Hash

Is a universal truth
From some mop-head youth
With a rhythmic beat
That much of a treat?
Can we draw the world together
With announcements on the weather?
I'm not sure... it is inane.
These darn lyrics are insane!

It ain't fun nor nice, it's twee
When he whines on LSD
Finest musicality, it is not.

There's no one here to say
The line 'Hey Jude' and 'Yesterday' -
Anthems I prefer anyway!

Hash I find
Bends his mind
Hash in hand
Heh, he seems high!

How come he's inane,
Stupid and insane?
In the end is it the same,
If he's high?


1st - Christopher Sturdy with:
I am instantly orgasmic =
Man against my clitoris.

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Saw the sodomy in the state prison cell... =
So that's why it's termed PENAL-COLONies!

3rd - nedesto with:
The diseased vagina =
I have end-stage AIDS.

Julian Lofts with:
Kimberly Noel Kardashian =
Kinky arse - behold anal rim

Christopher Sturdy with:
Smiling to herself =
I smell hot fingers.

Jason Lofts with:
Lars von Trier's Director's Cut of 'Nymphomaniac Part 1' =
Penis roots 1 horny MILF's cunt. Art? Overdramatic crap!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Brighton leather fetish shop got ~
three pairs of thigh-length boots.

Larry Brash with:
Arsehole =
A loser, eh?

Adie Pena with:
Cupid, the Roman god of desire =
Do get me if I produce hard-ons!

Tony Crafter with:
Vibrator up the arse =
Obtrusive rear path!

Tony Crafter with:
Had big testicles and a small prick =
Giant balls mislead. (The dick's crap!)

The Anagrammy Awards