1st - Christopher Sturdy with:
Accident waiting to happen =
Tap-dancing on ice with a pet.

2nd - nedesto with:
Gentle spring rains =
Green plants rising.

3rd - Rick Rothstein with:
"I am not sure." ~
"So ruminate".

Rosie Perera with:
Public Comment Period =
"Dumb precept!" "Cool!" "I'm in!"

Rosie Perera with:
"A place for everything and everything in its place" =
Having finally sorted the crap, I try evening peace.

Larry Brash with:
Retinitis pigmentosa =
Seeing.... It is important.

Maurice Goddard with:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z =
WAN Quiz: Fox Mey K v tc, HSP, db, rg, & jl!

Scott Gardner with:
A sewage treatment facility =
I get my safe, clean water at it.

Dharam Khalsa with:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z =
QVC's "Zip Flyer" BMX...God, what junk!

Scott Gardner with:
Big game hunters =
Uh, men bag tigers?

Ellie Dent with:
Guns, gadgets and girls =
Lads in gangs get drugs.

View with:
If not true, a ~

Meyran Kraus with:
The person in a mental hospital =
That rant implies he's Napoleon.

Adie Pena with:
Seaworthy man ~
wore many hats.

View with:
The limousine car =
Nice miles/hr auto

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Internet age science ‡
Set in Ancient Greece.

Rosie Perera with:
Unsolved mysteries =
My issue's never told.

Rosie Perera with:
Ping of a flight data recorder =
Great! Do go help find aircraft.

Rosie Perera with:
Water at the boiling point =
Bet I let it grow hot in a pan.

Maurice Goddard with:
To spell, we have as inevitable, high use of ~
the English alphabet's five vowels AEIOU.

Tony Crafter with:
A hormonal time =
Emotional harm.

Adie Pena with:
Oral defamation =
"An irate mad fool!"

Rosie Perera with:
Find mean wily raccoon on site? Call up ~
a nuisance wildlife control company.

Ellie Dent with:
Diamonds are a girl's best friend =
Demands of a realist bride: rings!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Please don't feed the sharks =
Keep the hands to self, dears!

Tony Crafter with:
A main rule of business: Under-promise, over-deliver =
I order a blouse eleven pm Fri. Is due Mon. Arrives Sun!

Tony Crafter with:
A volcanologist ~
cooing, "Lava! Lots!"

Rosie Perera with:
Fair trade coffee and tea =
A treat offered in cafe ad.

Rosie Perera with:
High-speed internet access =
These indecent ISP charges.


1st - Rosie Perera with:
Peter O'Toole in "Lawrence of Arabia" =
A role in elaborate war epic of note.

2nd - Larry Brash with:
Taking a selfie =
I get fans; a

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
Leonardo da Vinci's paintings =
Inspiration on gilded canvas.

Rosie Perera with:
My latest picks for the Oscars ~
sketch year's top films, actors.

Rosie Perera with:
"The bored English girl Alice, following a rabbit, ~
fell into a great big hole in a gibberish world." -- L.C.

Adie Pena with:
Adie Pena's Movable Book Collection =
Do open all. I bet books can come alive!

Scott Gardner with:
USA for Africa's "We Are the World" =
We star a chorus for welfare aid.

nedesto with:
The tragedy Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare =
Bleak grey death yet joined these paramours.

Adie Pena with:
Mr. Peabody and Sherman, the animated motion picture =
Hound and boy attempted rare romps in a time machine.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Dutch masterpiece 'The Girl with a Pearl Earring' =
I capture the damsel with the rather piercing glare.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Blockbuster motion picture =
Put trust in comic book rebel.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Mona Lisa drawing =
What an adoring smile!

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Dreamworks Animation =
I'm in toon-maker awards.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Mona Lisa, oil on wood panel by Leonardo da Vinci =
No brow and no lash on ideal coy model... via epilation?

Christopher Sturdy with:
Hanna-Barbera's Tom Cat and Jerry Mouse =
Er, ban a brand? Er, mayhem's just a cartoon!

Tony Crafter with:
The European Armwrestling Championships =
Competing alpha-men push wrists on air here.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Miss Universe beauty contest =
They must be non-assertive cuties.


1st - Rosie Perera with:
Crimea votes to ~
act more soviet.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Malaysian airline passengers =
I learn a plane's missing, as are they.

3rd - nedesto with:
Label Crimea ~

View with:
Russian troops invade Ukraine =
Run! Putin raids Kiev's area soon!

Dharam Khalsa with:
A loopy Alaskan said on their ruin: ~
"I told ya so." (Sarah Palin on Ukraine)

David Bourke with:
The Crimean peninsula =
A line Putin's men reach.

Maurice Goddard with:
N. Korea Fires More Short-Range Missiles Into Sea =
Ogre Kim's fine as a sinister monster or arsehole!

Rosie Perera with:
Sevastopol, Crimea, Ukraine =
Russia: move in or take place.

Rosie Perera with:
It's your turn in Scrabble; please hurry up and move! =
I'm in a rush, very busy. Run! Place letters up on board.

Scott Gardner with:
Blade Runner Oscar Pistorius in "Trial of the Century" =
South African sprinter, you'll be restrained in court!

Rosie Perera with:
Russia test-fires ICBM =
Terrific. Best miss USA.

Rosie Perera with:
Warning shots are fired in Ukraine, ~
ensuring the air war is kind of near.

Rosie Perera with:
China declares "war on pollution" =
How? Call in drones to clean up air.

Rosie Perera with:
Daylight Savings Time returns ~
giving later rays midst the sun.

Mark Huffman with:
Russians take Crimea =
It's Ukraine massacre?...

Larry Brash with:
Missing Malaysia Airlines Flight =
I imagine it has fairly small signs.

nedesto with:
The controversial referendum in Crimea =
Revolution amid marchers' interference.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The missing Malaysia Airlines flight =
Light analysis is families' nightmare.

Ellie Dent with:
International Women's Day =
Tradition: analyse men now!

Rosie Perera with:
Crimea votes today =
"Act More Soviet" Day.

Rosie Perera with:
Crimea overwhelmingly votes to join Russia =
A majority here loves inviting Moscow's rule.

Adie Pena with:
Malaysia Air Flight MH370 (Three Seven Zero) =
Oh my! Several realize nightmarish fate!

Rosie Perera with:
Guinness pulls out of St. Patrick's Day parade ~
and tells USA, "anti-support of gay pride sucks."

Adie Pena with:
Two hundred thirty nine passengers disappeared =
Widespread theories happen during nasty trends.

Dharam Khalsa with:
What really happened to the Malaysia Airlines jet? =
The many aerial satellites--what a help in jeopardy!

Dharam Khalsa with:
What really happened to the Malaysia Airlines jet? =
Perhaps the whole jet may lay idle in Atlantis area.

View with:
Vanished Malaysia Airlines plane =
A peril, dismay, all Asians in heaven.

Rosie Perera with:
Jet crashed in ocean, families told =
All die from accident, join the seas.

Mark Huffman with:
Aborted fetuses in hospital horror =
"I burned poor hairless tots for heat."

Larry Brash with:
I announce their deaths on ~
the Southern Indian Ocean.

Rosie Perera with:
Objects floating in the Southern Indian Ocean =
Could be honing in on certain hints of a jet seat.

Tony Crafter with:
Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have separated
Split over a third party? Mrs: "Nah, we wanted a change."

View with:
The Ukraine crisis =
I.e., Russian trick, eh?

Meyran Kraus with:
Malaysian airports? =
I say it's paranormal!

Rosie Perera with:
Trained search and rescue dogs ~
crossed acres, unearthing dead.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The beleaguered Malaysian PM, Najib Tun Razak =
A plane at sea - Beijing amaze KL by a 'murder' hunt!

Larry Brash with:
Severe anxiety disorders =
Dexedrine? Severity soars.

David Bourke with:
A report of floating debris ‡
Boeing door parts / life-raft.

Rick with:
That floating debris ~
ain't aborted flight's.


1st - nedesto with:
Famous military leader Napoleon Bonaparte =
Little man of Paris, marooned a year upon Elba.

2nd - Luka with:
She? A skier! =
Erika Hess.

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Simpsons cartoon dad Homer =
Poor man tends to scream his "D'OH!"

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Alanis Nadine Morissette =
Tin-eared sensationalism.

Scott Gardner with:
The escapologist Harry Houdini =
This cage? Oh, he's rapidly in or out!

Scott Gardner with:
The magician David Seth Copperfield =
Filmed disappearing; catch the video!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Sarah Louise Palin =
A pain. ("Hello, Russia")

Adie Pena with:
Alanis Nadine Morissette =
Listen, dear, I'm a sensation.

View with:
Oscar Leonard Carl Pistorius =
Cool, sir runs a lot rapid races!

Tony Crafter with:
Davy Jones, Micky Dolenz, Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork =
As 'The Monkees', did mythic men project zany overkill?

David Bourke with:
William Edward Boeing =
"Worldwide" imaginable!

David Bourke with:
Anthony Neil Wedgwood-Benn =
Newly-dead, now nothing, bone.

Scott Gardner with:
The famous military leader Napoleon Bonaparte =
I marshal one top army on a European battlefield.

Adie Pena with:
President Vladimir Putin =
Trust in virile man dipped.

Scott Gardner with:
LeBron Raymone James =
My major NBA role seen!

David Bourke with:
Mena Alexandra Suvari =
A dream! Sexual nirvana!

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Jeannot Krecké ire =
Kneejerk reaction.


1st - Scott Gardner with:
The Anagrammy Awards competition =
Word game maintains Mey atop chart.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
The Anagrammy Awards competition =
Grampa Tony: "I'm aware that I'm second."

3rd - View with:
The Western Union Company =
We can run money in the post.

nedesto with:
Budweiser, The King of Beers =
i.e. forget weekend's rubbish.

Rosie Perera with:
Nevada's Gaming Control Board =
Glad to govern damn casino bar.

Scott Gardner with:
Stephenie Meyer's Twilight novels =
White teens simply love this genre.

David Bourke with:
The Strait of Malacca =
Fatal crash came to it?

Tony Crafter with:
Prostate Specific Antigens =
Apposite if it’s gents’ cancer.

Rosie Perera with:
The United States Controlled Substance Act =
Let's detect blatant heroin use and cut costs.

Maurice Goddard with:
The McDonald's Corporation slogan "i'm lovin' it" =
Cool, man! Lots vomit loads dining on their crap!

Rosie Perera with:
United Nations International Day of Happiness =
Spontaneity inspired elation as nation had fun.

Mark Huffman with:
New York City's Staten Island =
"Nice?" Try "wasteland" - so stinky!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Dictionary Society of North America =
Idiotic carry-on of a semantic theory.

Meyran Kraus with:
Malaysia Airlines =
Asian really is MIA.

nedesto with:
Bitcoin digital cyber-money =
Incredibly enigmatic booty.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Kuala Lumpur International Airport =
Real upturn in talk, paranoia, turmoil.


1st - Scott Gardner with:
Top five longest running Broadway musicals:
1. The Phantom of the Opera
2. Cats
3. Chicago
4. The Lion King
5. Les Misérables
1. The spectre who sang a tune
2. Sampled T. S. Eliot poems
3. Illinois gang
4. African animals
5. The French book by Victor Hugo

2nd - David Bourke with:
What happened to the missing Malaysia Airlines Boeing,flight number MH three-hundred-and-seventy?
Plane ambushed near Shanghai by little green-hued men with pointy heads, visiting from Mars. The end.

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Most Loathed Celebrities:
1. Paris Hilton
2. Justin Bieber
3. Kim Kardashian
4. Lindsay Lohan
5. Kanye West
1. Narcissist
2. Abominable kid
3. Ample reality-show idiot
4. That has-been drunk
5. Insanely hostile jerk
br>Tyler Severance with:
I see the words, letters. sentences, grammar, punctuation, vowels and consonants. Everything you expect writing to be.
See new anagrams that convincingly intertwine grounds, proper execution, assessment, selected, but worthy to vote?

Dharam Khalsa with:
How To Lower Your Blood Pressure: Scientists Advise Going Vegetarian =
Wow, I'll agree too. Savoring seeds is better than divorcing your spouse!

Christopher Sturdy with:
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
--Friedrich Nietzsche
Alzheimer's does for the once fine mind. Oh, their mornings may be a surprise but tomorrow they might reminisce.

Adie Pena with:
Five Foods High in Trans Fat*
1. Frozen Food
2. Fast Food
3. Cake Mixes
4. Soup and Instant Noodles
5. Snack Foods
1. A dozen of fish sticks
2. KFC on us? I pass.
3. "Devil's Food" and fondant
4. Got a fix of ramen? Don't!
5. Often has Oreos

Dharam Khalsa with:
Types of diets:
1. Carnivore
2. Herbivore
3. Frugivore
4. Omnivore
1. Hooves or fin
2. Green crops
3. Vivid 'bee' fruit
4. Or more variety

Rosie Perera with:
Fad diets:
1. Dean Ornish
2. South Beach/Atkins
3. Paleo
4. The Zone
5. Weight Watchers
6. Macrobiotic
1. How to heal, not die
2. Zero carbs
3. High fat dishes
4. Eat meat/chicken
5. Count points
6. Raw-biased

nedesto with:
Michelangelo's David pictured holding rifle in American advert, to Italy's fury.
I find it a typically tragic thing, for Venus De Milo could've hired an arms dealer!

Tony Crafter with:

Gemma Worrall

If barraco barner is our president why is he getting involved with Russia scary
@big 'mare

Ms Worrall's harmless errors rapidly go viral, incurring web-wrath and a vicious 'oxygen thief' tweet

nedesto with:
The annual March event for the Royal Marsden Hospital Cancer Charity
Ran up trail for cash each year, so children can have monthly treatment.

Adie Pena with:
1. Paris Hilton
2. Miley Cyrus
3. Kristen Stewart
1. Pathetic heiress tries porn
2. Elastic slutty twerker
3. Most sorry 'Swan.'

Julian Lofts with:
Smithsonian Institute collaborates with paleontologist team to reveal new large, feathered dinosaur
"The elite Oviraptosaur fossils aren't a casual neo-bantamweight!" tweeted a droll eminent ornithologist

Maurice Goddard with:
1: Barack Hussein Obama
2: David William Donald Cameron
3: Angela Dorothea Merkel
4: Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin
1: A bold Democrat in America
2: A vivid PM in the UK ails
3: A hard dull German dame
4: A horrible vodka villain in Moscow!

Dharam Khalsa with:
List of four-letter countries:
1. Chad
2. Cuba
3. Fiji
4. Iran
5. Iraq
6. Laos
7. Mali
8. Oman
9. Peru
10. Togo
1. Africa
2. Home to a jail
3. Colourful
4. Persia
5. Mosque
6. Fruit
7. Inland
8. Grotto
9. Inca
10. Tribes

Tony Crafter with:
ME: Let me sleep
BRAIN: Ha! Oh no, let us stay awake and remember every extra-stupid decision that you made in your life.
ME: Okay
Humans' brains are, alas, puerile devices I feel. They work immediately you're born, yet stop dead the moment you take an exam!

David Bourke with:
Nigel Farage, the leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party =
I pledged to fight and delete any damn-cheek European interfering

Julian Lofts with:
Maeve Binchy leaves millions in will to friends and charities =
 Nice, divine, lovable writer dies, has left many millions in cash

Julian Lofts with:
Steven Seagal: Vladimir Putin is one of the 'great world leaders' =
 Dear God! US film star interviewee gets to prove he's in La La land. 

Rosie Perera with:
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
They were doing the zumba with earbuds on. I heard nothing -- no woofer's echo...silence. Then I screeched, "Watch those nuts!"


1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
Things that have swift speed:
Hollow tweets
Hot phone chat
Celebrity gossip
Headline News blips
Fox News fabrications

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
Shite happens, I feel, if Botox highlights what's acceptable these days; invented so hopeless low-brow nitwits can't frown!

3rd - nedesto with:
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
Bird's Law shows the exact hoisting capacity of the noblest swallow when in flight happens to be the inverse of its speed.

Meyran Kraus with:
War isn't the fight between troops. It's the planet's fictional show hatched by big chiefs who sell weapons and explosives.

Adie Pena with:
The best sex act people have with wife is often fast bliss -- yet slow and long with a bitch in the endless pornographic show.

Meyran Kraus with:
So, which deep plot was behind the facts, the biggest events on this foolish planet?

His inexplicable answer was "forty two".

Larry Brash with:
We all love gossip, conspiracy theories, except things that - when shown that we established - whiff of possible bad intent.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Gossip is exponentially swifter than life. When observed with a stopwatch, then each act follows behind the best gossip!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Scientists expect warp drive technology is possible, then wish to blast off a football-shaped thing with ease. When, when?!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Wall Street's vision (shh): To swoop in swiftly, past the speed of light, placing the best bet on a fixed race which has been won.

Maurice Goddard with:
Shh! If 'Warp Drive' blast off tech shows between galaxies, which is still one potential step, then we can go beyond this spot!

Tony Crafter with:
Lapps' fish plight? Ha! Eat the snow, as it's fine! Except if yellow, in which case don't. The brown snow? That's believed to be gross.

Christopher Sturdy with:
ESP lets those who will not wait predict what happens next. So, I scoff; chief advantage is when they bet big bills on horses!

Ellie Dent with:
Swift?? Tax bills sent, which being despatched within brown envelopes, go swift as flies to a honey pot to reach the hapless.

Rosie Perera with:
>News of lost aircraft went to all ends of the globe. CNN hosts happily expedite those bewitching sea views with ships. Bah!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Exhibit A: The vanished flight is top news, swiftly enchanting obsessed people, at what price? The cost of slow or 'blah' news.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Vortex of Despair - feelings that often went by; lost chance as high hope ebbs; we watch whilst it spins down a pitiless hole.

Julian Lofts with:
News clip: Whew! Einstein theorised that the velocity of the rabble's gossip and fibs was excelling that of photons. Pshaw!

Rosie Perera with:
This new witness shows that Beeblebrox and Prefect often gallop at infinitely positive galactic speeds. Wwhoosshhhh!

Maurice Goddard with:
"No! Crap's whopping call beats news! When I scoffed ninety laxative pills I whooshed faster to the bog beset with the shits!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
So, given his flawless physics hint, we won't expect to blast off to the past, with a cobweb-haired gent's help, in his DeLorean!


1st - Tony Crafter with:
Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes, beer.

Lady: How many beers do you drink a day?

Man: Three 6-packs.

Lady: How much is it per 6-pack?

Man: It's about ten dollars.

Lady: How long have you been drinking it?

Man: Fifteen years.

Lady: Hmm... I see. So, one 6-pack costs ten dollars and you have three packs per day which means that you're spending nine hundred dollars a month. In twelve months, it will be ten thousand eight hundred dollars. Is that right?

Man: Seems about right.

Lady: So, in one year you spend ten thousand eight hundred dollars which, disregarding inflation, puts your spending over the past fifteen years at a massive one hundred and sixty two thousand dollars - correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Whew! Do you know that if you had not drunk those beers, the money could have been invested in a step-up interest savings account? After adjusting for compound interest over the past fifteen years, you could have now bought a Ferrari!

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?


This conversation ensued after an old lady rang an NHS hospital based in England:

'I'd like some information on a patient named Mrs Nancy Bundy. She was admitted suddenly last Sunday with chest pains and I just wanted to check if her condition has improved, or deteriorated?'

'Do you know what ward Mrs Bundy's in?'

'Yes, ward N, room 6F'

'I'll put you through to the nurses' desk...'

'Ward N staff-nurse; how can I help?'

'I'm phoning about your patient, Nancy Bundy, and to ask whether she's improved or deteriorated?'

'I'll check her notes... Yes, I'm happy to say that Nancy has improved. She's regained her appetite and her pulse is sound and steady. After some extra tests tonight she should be well enough to be discharged at around 6 o'clock tomorrow evening.'

'Gosh, that's wonderful! I'm very glad and grateful; thank you very much, young lady!'

'That's okay. You seem very relieved, are you a friend or a near relative?'

'Neither, I'm Nancy Bundy in room 6F. Nobody tells you fuck all around here.’

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
How to Make a Woman Happy

I think it's not very difficult to make a woman happy.
The man only needs to be her:

* friend
* companion
* lover
* brother
* father figure
* master chef
* electrician
* carpenter
* plumber
* mechanic
* decorator
* pest exterminator
* stylist
* sexologist
* gynecologist
* psychologist
* psychiatrist
* healer
* listener
* organizer

And, in addition, he must be very:

* clean
* sympathetic
* athletic
* warm
* attentive
* gallant
* intelligent
* funny
* creative
* tender
* strong
* understanding
* tolerant
* prudent
* ambitious
* capable
* courageous
* determined
* true to her
* dependable
* passionate
* compassionate
Without forgetting to:

* call her "Darling"
* pay unprompted compliments
* be punctual
* be kind and considerate
* be romantic
* not criticize, nag, and induce stress
* not ogle slender attractive girls

At the same time, he must:

* pay attention to her, but expect no attention in return
* give her a lot of time, especially time to spend on herself
* give her a lot of space, accept her choices, and escort her anywhere

Additionally, it is extremely important to:

* Never forget:
- birthdays
- anniversaries
- any arrangements she makes, particularly family celebrations

How to Make a Man Happy

* Show up nude
* Bring food

3rd - nedesto with:
When Dermot showed up at Mass on Sunday, the priest almost fell down in surprise. Dermot had not been seen inside the church in his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Dermot. "But Dermot," he said, “What is it that made you come around here anyway?"

"I got to be honest with you Father O'Brien." Dermot said. "I lost my hat and I really, really loved that hat dearly. I knew that old Tully had one like it and that he came to church every Sunday. I also figured that Tully would take off his hat and that he’d put it in the back. So, then I was going to leave after Communion and steal Tully's hat." ~

“I noticed you didn't steal his hat. What was it that has changed your mind?" the priest asked.

"Well, after I heard you finish the sermon on the ten commandments, I didn’t wanna steal Tully’s hat any longer." Dermot said.

The priest gave him a big ecclesiastic smile “Well, yes," he puffed, "after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you naturally concluded you would've rather done without your hat than have to burn to ash down in Hell's pit, right?"

Dermot shook his head. "Why no, Father", he said. "After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I happened to remember where it was I’d left my hat."

Rosie Perera with:
"Surveillance, in any land where it is ubiquitous and inescapable, generates distrust and divisions among its citizens, curbs their readiness to speak freely to each other, and diminishes their willingness to even dare to think freely." -- Ariel Dorfman
Edward Snowden (a sneaky informer, a sane, brainy infidel), in a sincere decision, risked his life, and taught us that the evil, massive-sized US government is interested in arbitrarily listening to our deep phone calls so that it can squelch our liberties.

David Bourke with:

Adie Pena's Movable Book Collection at the Museum of
Contemporary Art and Design, G/F School of Design and
Arts Campus, the Philippines.
Focused on the Manila Anagram King's body of three-
dimensional stand-out image concepts...'cos *his*
bits popped-up from all over the place!

Adie Pena with:
Fifteen Terrible Things That Happen If You Eat Too Much Sugar*
1. Cavities
2. Insatiable hunger
3. Weight gain
4. Insulin resistance
5. Diabetes
6. Obesity
7. Liver failure
8. Pancreatic cancer
9. Kidney disease
10. High blood pressure
11. Heart disease
12. Addiction
13. Cognitive decline
14. Nutritional deficiencies
15. Gout
1. Tooth decay
2. A nice huge picnic!
3. Big, heavy idiot
4. Tired, sleepier git
5. Genuine anguish
6. Titanic chap
7. Destructive inebriate
8. Frigging fatal
9. Horrid suicide
10. Hypertension
11. A cardiac case
12. Uninhibited substance abuse
13. Unforeseen dementia
14. Lowest levels of essentials like folate, iron
15. Arthritis.

Rosie Perera with:
Famous military leaders:
1. Alexander the Great
2. William the Conqueror
3. Oliver Cromwell
4. George Washington
5. Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla
6. Napoleon Bonaparte
7. Robert E. Lee
8. Giuseppe Garibaldi
9. Dwight David Eisenhower
10. Che Guevara
11. Colin Powell
We highlight:
1. Begot empire in Greece
2. Medieval pillaging
3. Ah, I was Lord Protector
4. U.S. President
5. Goal equalled a whole Mexico
6. Was a French guy
7. A beloved war hero
8. Italian Risorgimento
9. Led Allied troops
10. A Cuban revolutionary
11. Mellow General

Maurice Goddard with:
A happiness guru's seven tips for a better life:

1: Nurture healthy relationships.

2: Pet-owners are generally happier, less lonely.

3: Say thank you and be thankful.

4: Be kind. Be a volunteer.

5: Forgive and let go.

6: Exercise.

7: Find meaning and engagement in your life.


1: Hug your faithful partner daily.

2: Stroking a purring cat in your lap releases tension.

3: Thoughtfulness behind benignity.

4: Help all in need.

5: DON'T be fiery as a green-eyed monster!

6: Feel new! Live! Have sex often! Skip! Run!

7: Seek love, anagrams, beer, eat an apple!

Jason Lofts with:
Eleven of the Most Popular Songs of Australian ('Down Under') musician/composer/animator Rolf Harris CBE (currently under CID pedophiliac investigation) 

1. Sun arise
2. Waltzing Matilda
3. Stairway to heaven
4. Bluer than blue
5. Fine day
6. That's what they call the didgeridoo
7. The court of King Caractacus
8. Jake the Peg
9. Two little boys
10. Ego sum pauper
11. Tie me kangaroo down, sport
1. "Spreading the light all around"
2. "Jumbuck in the tucker bag" - unofficial national anthem of Australia
3. As a Led Zeppelin cover
4. Soppy
5. Stutters
6. Aboriginal natural wooden trumpet
7. A Scouts' campfire song
8. Third leg (witty)
9. What can one say? Groping ('our dates') - they led to my arrest...
10. Of course I will be poor once this court case is over and I have to work 
11. "Tan me hide when I'm dead"

Meyran Kraus with:

Here's a cool mind-reading trick for you, dear readers! Solve this short math test. It's totally easy, but you have got to do it as fast as you can:


QUICK! Think of a number between 12 and 5.

The number that you picked was seven! Nice, right? Almost no one thinks of anything else!


Want a second trick? Okay. Add these numbers up this time:


All done? Now say the number you have out loud for 15 seconds straight...

QUICK! Think of a vegetable!

Is it a carrot?

If not, you're among the 2% that think of something else. Everybody else says carrot! Isn't that insane?


>1st - Meyran Kraus with:
About Paris

Tiled floors in bedrooms; trees (now run to seed —
Such seed as the wind takes) of Liberty;
Squares with new names that no one seems to see;
Scrambling Briarean passages, which lead
To the first place you came from; urgent need
Of unperturbed nasal philosophy;
Through Paris (what with church and gallery)
Some forty first-rate paintings, or indeed
Fifty mayhap; fine churches; splendid inns;
Fierce sentinels (toy-size without the stands)
Who spit their oaths at you and grind their r's
If at a fountain you would wash your hands;
One Frenchman (this is fact) who thinks he spars:
Can even good dinners cover all these sins?


That French Spire I Saw

As fondly I would gaze
At photos I had taken,
Those scenes in nobler France
Would thrash in me, awakened:
Each shop is glamorous,
Each square is sunny there,
The food is wonderful
And stress is very rare -
But often, in the depths,
One plus is permanent
More than its fussy fans
That watched its fresh ascent,
And 'neath this noble force
Composed with subtlety,
French, shiny openness
Shrouds timid novelty.
So scorn it, if you want,
And draw it - if you dare,
Though painting eagerly
Seems artificial there,
As, on prestigious grounds
Where iron has this heart,
Our epic shaft will grow
And climb beyond prime art.

[The visual tribute appears when the poem is centered and every word containing an I in the poem body is highlighted:]

That French Spire I Saw

As fondly I would gaze
At photos I had taken,
Those scenes in nobler France
Would thrash in me, awakened:
Each shop is glamorous,
Each square is sunny there,
The food is wonderful
And stress is very rare -
But often, in the depths,
One plus is permanent
More than its fussy fans
That watched its fresh ascent,
And 'neath this noble force
Composed with subtlety,
French, shiny openness
Shrouds timid novelty.
So scorn it, if you want,
And draw it - if you dare,
Though painting eagerly
Seems artificial there,
As, on prestigious grounds
Where iron has this heart,
Our epic shaft will grow
And climb beyond prime art.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
1. If the images have a dark background and everybody has tortured expressions on their faces, it's TITIAN

2. If everyone in the painting has enormous arses, then it's RUBENS

3. If all the men look like cow-eyed curly-haired women, it's CARAVAGGIO

4. If the paintings have tons of little people in them but otherwise seem normal, it's BRUEGEL

5. If the paintings have quite a lot of little people in them but also have a ton of crazy bullshit, it's BOSCH

6. If everyone looks like hobos illuminated by only a dim streetlamp, it's REMBRANDT

7. If the paintings could easily have a few chubby Cupids, or sheep, added (or already has them) it's FRANCOIS BOUCHER

8. If everyone is beautiful, naked and stacked, it's MICHELANGELO

9. If you see a ballerina, it's DEGAS

10. If everything is highly-contrasted and sharp, sort of bluish, and everybody has gaunt, bearded faces, it's EL GRECO

11. If you see a dozen eyes and noses but there's only one person in the painting, it's PICASSO

12. If everyone - including the women - looks like Vladimir Putin, then it's VAN EYCK

13. If his paintings remind you of the sort of surreal dreams you have after an evening spent drinking beer and tequila slammers, followed by an extra-late night meal of curried eggs with cheese fondue whilst listening to 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds', it's SALVADOR DALI



13. If the ideas are innovative, inventive and exhibit a waspish sense of humour, it's DAVID BOURKE

12. If they are concise and clever, it's MIKE MESTERTON-GIBBONS

11. If they display a high-degree of rudeness, with occasional lapses into the philosophical, it's RICK ROTHSTEIN

10. If an unexpected diamond suddenly gleams into view, it's probably by... VIEW.

9. If love of, and dedication to, the art looks evident in his anagrams, it's bound to be that Aussie bloke LARRY BRASH:

8. If they please and give great value for 'Monet', it'll be ELLIE DENT

7. If you see sporadic but high-quality submissions that generally win, it's SCOTT GARDNER

6. If seen to be funny, inventive and quintessentially English? Oh, I'd say it's CHRISTOPHER STURDY

5. If they're vibrant and innovative, it's the gentle DHARAM KALSA

4. If you see a poignant, beautifully-crafted poem in 'Special' and a full-house of Noms, then it's ADIE PENA

3. If you see this superb crossword puzzle in 'Special' and a funny gag in 'Medium' or 'Long', it's the versatile NEDESTO!

2. When Nicola, of the Daily Mail's 'Peterborough' column, checks her emails on a Monday morning and yells, 'Heck, who is all this deranged gobbledegook from?' it's TONY CRAFTER:

1. If the sheer genius of the work literally takes flight before your eyes, it's the peerless MEYRAN KRAUS:

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Carole King

What shall I write?
What can I say?
How can I tell you how much I miss you?

The weather here has been as nice as it can be
Although it doesn't really matter much to me
For all the fun I'll have while you're so far away
It might as well rain until September

I don't need sunny skies for things I like to do
'Cause I stay home the whole day long and think of you
As far as I'm concerned each day's a rainy day
So It might as well rain until September

My friends look forward to their picnics on the beach
Yes everybody loves the summertime
But you know darling while your arms are out of reach
The summer isn't any friend of mine

It doesn't matter whether skies are grey or blue
It's raining in my heart 'cause I can't be with you
I'm only living for the day you're home to stay
So It might as well rain until September
September, September, oh
It might as well rain until September


Noah Sark

When will it clear?
Where will I go?
Is there a way they can stop it raining?

This soggy weather is as wretched as can be
With rain each day for what seems an eternity
It's March, yet still it's pouring in our great UK
Hey, I hear it might rain until September!

I yearn for sunny days like those I used to know
But I see heavy rain, then massive floods follow
As far as I'm aware they could be here to stay
Hmm, it may go on until September!

They say the lion of March goes lamb-like come the hour
In May, the Summer's marking time behind
Though in between we face those bloody April showers!
Ouch! Mother Nature you're no friend of mine!

It's said into each life a drop of rain may fall
And usually it would not matter much at all
Yet it's rained endlessly throughout successive months
Hey, it might well rain until September, October, November... Yikes! it
May well rain until December!

Adie Pena with:
by C. P. Cavafy
Translated by Edmund Keeley and Philip Sherrard

Guard, O my soul, against pomp and glory.
And if you cannot curb your ambitions,
at least pursue them hesitantly, cautiously.
And the higher you go,
the more searching and careful you need to be.

And when you reach your summit, Caesar at last-
when you assume the role of someone that famous-
then be especially careful as you go out into the street,
a conspicuous man of power with your retinue;
and should a certain Artemidorus
come up to you out of the crowd, bringing a letter,
and say hurriedly: "Read this at once.
There are things in it important for you to see,"
be sure to stop; be sure to postpone
all talk or business; be sure to brush off
all those who salute and bow to you
(they can be seen later); let even
the Senate itself wait-and find out immediately
what grave message Artemidorus has for you.



Some people decipher and discover obscure unusual future meanings;
Others construe yet clarify your whereabouts situated in slumber.
Saying your famous paean and sympathetic pastorale thoughtfully;
Errors, and that mute travesty of yesterday, agitated by the number.

Artful ephemera become a speech, about a lie that can be lost with a sigh;
Empty theosophies, the catatonic eyes tainted by an enormous yawn;
Idols, the hefty bodies and figurines, in your famous Dali-like landscape;
Rust-coloured tattery, too austere like the mournful mahogany dawn.

Dallying here, a footnote in the safe subconscious shallows no more;
Diving through the treacherous, monotonous blue waters much too deep.
Anchored torturously in your harbour, the meadowsweet cottage far away,
Usually found deteriorating in anybody's anomalous sleep.

nedesto with:
Twilight - Sara Teasdale

Dreamily over the roofs
The cold spring rain is falling;
Out in the lonely tree
A bird is calling, calling.

Slowly over the earth
The wings of night are falling;
My heart like the bird in the tree
Is calling, calling, calling.


Her Ethereal Choir

Toward the close of day,
When shadows are colliding;
Inviting all the lonely girls to
Listen to familiar crying.

Illumined by lightning,
Gentle air is sparkling;
Heartfelt galas all flare alive,
The night circle be starting!


1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Really nice pair of boobs ~
are probably of silicone.

2nd - Dirty Old Man with:
The Crimean peninsula =
A male penis in her cunt.

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
A high sperm count =
Much shag protein.

Scott Gardner with:
Stimulation of the Gräfenberg spot =
Fingers felt about the "orgasm point"

nedesto with:
A big dildo in her arse =
I adore a girl's behind!

David Bourke with:
A rather generously-proportioned penis =
I soon aroused, penetrating her properly!

Dan Fortier with:
It's the UK's dodecagon pound coin =
O, I'd shun! In pocket, does cut gonad!

Tony Crafter with:
Marvin Gaye's 'Sexual Healing' ~
hugely relaxes Mina's vagina!

Adie Pena with:
Exchange of body fluids =
Sex and biology. Chuffed!

The Anagrammy Awards