Complete list of nominations for March 2014

MARCH 2014 NOMINATIONS

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
Peter O'Toole in "Lawrence of Arabia" =
A role in elaborate war epic of note.

2nd - Larry Brash with:
Taking a selfie =
I get fans; a

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
Leonardo da Vinci's paintings =
Inspiration on gilded canvas.

Rosie Perera with:
My latest picks for the Oscars ~
sketch year's top films, actors.

Rosie Perera with:
"The bored English girl Alice, following a rabbit, ~
fell into a great big hole in a gibberish world." -- L.C.

Adie Pena with:
Adie Pena's Movable Book Collection =
Do open all. I bet books can come alive!

Scott Gardner with:
USA for Africa's "We Are the World" =
We star a chorus for welfare aid.

nedesto with:
The tragedy Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare =
Bleak grey death yet joined these paramours.

Adie Pena with:
Mr. Peabody and Sherman, the animated motion picture =
Hound and boy attempted rare romps in a time machine.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Dutch masterpiece 'The Girl with a Pearl Earring' =
I capture the damsel with the rather piercing glare.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Blockbuster motion picture =
Put trust in comic book rebel.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Mona Lisa drawing =
What an adoring smile!

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Dreamworks Animation =
I'm in toon-maker awards.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Mona Lisa, oil on wood panel by Leonardo da Vinci =
No brow and no lash on ideal coy model... via epilation?

Christopher Sturdy with:
Hanna-Barbera's Tom Cat and Jerry Mouse =
Er, ban a brand? Er, mayhem's just a cartoon!

Tony Crafter with:
The European Armwrestling Championships =
Competing alpha-men push wrists on air here.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Miss Universe beauty contest =
They must be non-assertive cuties.

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
=
Things that have swift speed:
Hollow tweets
Hot phone chat
Celebrity gossip
Headline News blips
Fox News fabrications

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
=
Shite happens, I feel, if Botox highlights what's acceptable these days; invented so hopeless low-brow nitwits can't frown!

3rd - nedesto with:
"Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
=
Bird's Law shows the exact hoisting capacity of the noblest swallow when in flight happens to be the inverse of its speed.

Meyran Kraus with:
War isn't the fight between troops. It's the planet's fictional show hatched by big chiefs who sell weapons and explosives.

Adie Pena with:
The best sex act people have with wife is often fast bliss -- yet slow and long with a bitch in the endless pornographic show.

Meyran Kraus with:
So, which deep plot was behind the facts, the biggest events on this foolish planet?

His inexplicable answer was "forty two".

Larry Brash with:
We all love gossip, conspiracy theories, except things that - when shown that we established - whiff of possible bad intent.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Gossip is exponentially swifter than life. When observed with a stopwatch, then each act follows behind the best gossip!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Scientists expect warp drive technology is possible, then wish to blast off a football-shaped thing with ease. When, when?!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Wall Street's vision (shh): To swoop in swiftly, past the speed of light, placing the best bet on a fixed race which has been won.

Maurice Goddard with:
Shh! If 'Warp Drive' blast off tech shows between galaxies, which is still one potential step, then we can go beyond this spot!

Tony Crafter with:
Lapps' fish plight? Ha! Eat the snow, as it's fine! Except if yellow, in which case don't. The brown snow? That's believed to be gross.

Christopher Sturdy with:
ESP lets those who will not wait predict what happens next. So, I scoff; chief advantage is when they bet big bills on horses!

Ellie Dent with:
Swift?? Tax bills sent, which being despatched within brown envelopes, go swift as flies to a honey pot to reach the hapless.

Rosie Perera with:
>News of lost aircraft went to all ends of the globe. CNN hosts happily expedite those bewitching sea views with ships. Bah!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Exhibit A: The vanished flight is top news, swiftly enchanting obsessed people, at what price? The cost of slow or 'blah' news.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Vortex of Despair - feelings that often went by; lost chance as high hope ebbs; we watch whilst it spins down a pitiless hole.

Julian Lofts with:
News clip: Whew! Einstein theorised that the velocity of the rabble's gossip and fibs was excelling that of photons. Pshaw!

Rosie Perera with:
This new witness shows that Beeblebrox and Prefect often gallop at infinitely positive galactic speeds. Wwhoosshhhh!

Maurice Goddard with:
"No! Crap's whopping call beats news! When I scoffed ninety laxative pills I whooshed faster to the bog beset with the shits!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
So, given his flawless physics hint, we won't expect to blast off to the past, with a cobweb-haired gent's help, in his DeLorean!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes, beer.

Lady: How many beers do you drink a day?

Man: Three 6-packs.

Lady: How much is it per 6-pack?

Man: It's about ten dollars.

Lady: How long have you been drinking it?

Man: Fifteen years.

Lady: Hmm... I see. So, one 6-pack costs ten dollars and you have three packs per day which means that you're spending nine hundred dollars a month. In twelve months, it will be ten thousand eight hundred dollars. Is that right?

Man: Seems about right.

Lady: So, in one year you spend ten thousand eight hundred dollars which, disregarding inflation, puts your spending over the past fifteen years at a massive one hundred and sixty two thousand dollars - correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Whew! Do you know that if you had not drunk those beers, the money could have been invested in a step-up interest savings account? After adjusting for compound interest over the past fifteen years, you could have now bought a Ferrari!

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?

=

This conversation ensued after an old lady rang an NHS hospital based in England:

'I'd like some information on a patient named Mrs Nancy Bundy. She was admitted suddenly last Sunday with chest pains and I just wanted to check if her condition has improved, or deteriorated?'

'Do you know what ward Mrs Bundy's in?'

'Yes, ward N, room 6F'

'I'll put you through to the nurses' desk...'

'Ward N staff-nurse; how can I help?'

'I'm phoning about your patient, Nancy Bundy, and to ask whether she's improved or deteriorated?'

'I'll check her notes... Yes, I'm happy to say that Nancy has improved. She's regained her appetite and her pulse is sound and steady. After some extra tests tonight she should be well enough to be discharged at around 6 o'clock tomorrow evening.'

'Gosh, that's wonderful! I'm very glad and grateful; thank you very much, young lady!'

'That's okay. You seem very relieved, are you a friend or a near relative?'

'Neither, I'm Nancy Bundy in room 6F. Nobody tells you fuck all around here.’

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
How to Make a Woman Happy

I think it's not very difficult to make a woman happy.
The man only needs to be her:

* friend
* companion
* lover
* brother
* father figure
* master chef
* electrician
* carpenter
* plumber
* mechanic
* decorator
* pest exterminator
* stylist
* sexologist
* gynecologist
* psychologist
* psychiatrist
* healer
* listener
* organizer

And, in addition, he must be very:

* clean
* sympathetic
* athletic
* warm
* attentive
* gallant
* intelligent
* funny
* creative
* tender
* strong
* understanding
* tolerant
* prudent
* ambitious
* capable
* courageous
* determined
* true to her
* dependable
* passionate
* compassionate
=
Without forgetting to:

* call her "Darling"
* pay unprompted compliments
* be punctual
* be kind and considerate
* be romantic
* not criticize, nag, and induce stress
* not ogle slender attractive girls

At the same time, he must:

* pay attention to her, but expect no attention in return
* give her a lot of time, especially time to spend on herself
* give her a lot of space, accept her choices, and escort her anywhere

Additionally, it is extremely important to:

* Never forget:
- birthdays
- anniversaries
- any arrangements she makes, particularly family celebrations

How to Make a Man Happy

* Show up nude
* Bring food

3rd - nedesto with:
When Dermot showed up at Mass on Sunday, the priest almost fell down in surprise. Dermot had not been seen inside the church in his whole life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Dermot. "But Dermot," he said, “What is it that made you come around here anyway?"

"I got to be honest with you Father O'Brien." Dermot said. "I lost my hat and I really, really loved that hat dearly. I knew that old Tully had one like it and that he came to church every Sunday. I also figured that Tully would take off his hat and that he’d put it in the back. So, then I was going to leave after Communion and steal Tully's hat." ~

“I noticed you didn't steal his hat. What was it that has changed your mind?" the priest asked.

"Well, after I heard you finish the sermon on the ten commandments, I didn’t wanna steal Tully’s hat any longer." Dermot said.

The priest gave him a big ecclesiastic smile “Well, yes," he puffed, "after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you naturally concluded you would've rather done without your hat than have to burn to ash down in Hell's pit, right?"

Dermot shook his head. "Why no, Father", he said. "After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I happened to remember where it was I’d left my hat."

Rosie Perera with:
"Surveillance, in any land where it is ubiquitous and inescapable, generates distrust and divisions among its citizens, curbs their readiness to speak freely to each other, and diminishes their willingness to even dare to think freely." -- Ariel Dorfman
=
Edward Snowden (a sneaky informer, a sane, brainy infidel), in a sincere decision, risked his life, and taught us that the evil, massive-sized US government is interested in arbitrarily listening to our deep phone calls so that it can squelch our liberties.

David Bourke with:

Adie Pena's Movable Book Collection at the Museum of
Contemporary Art and Design, G/F School of Design and
Arts Campus, the Philippines.
=
Focused on the Manila Anagram King's body of three-
dimensional stand-out image concepts...'cos *his*
bits popped-up from all over the place!

Adie Pena with:
Fifteen Terrible Things That Happen If You Eat Too Much Sugar*
1. Cavities
2. Insatiable hunger
3. Weight gain
4. Insulin resistance
5. Diabetes
6. Obesity
7. Liver failure
8. Pancreatic cancer
9. Kidney disease
10. High blood pressure
11. Heart disease
12. Addiction
13. Cognitive decline
14. Nutritional deficiencies
15. Gout
=
1. Tooth decay
2. A nice huge picnic!
3. Big, heavy idiot
4. Tired, sleepier git
5. Genuine anguish
6. Titanic chap
7. Destructive inebriate
8. Frigging fatal
9. Horrid suicide
10. Hypertension
11. A cardiac case
12. Uninhibited substance abuse
13. Unforeseen dementia
14. Lowest levels of essentials like folate, iron
15. Arthritis.

Rosie Perera with:
Famous military leaders:
1. Alexander the Great
2. William the Conqueror
3. Oliver Cromwell
4. George Washington
5. Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla
6. Napoleon Bonaparte
7. Robert E. Lee
8. Giuseppe Garibaldi
9. Dwight David Eisenhower
10. Che Guevara
11. Colin Powell
=
We highlight:
1. Begot empire in Greece
2. Medieval pillaging
3. Ah, I was Lord Protector
4. U.S. President
5. Goal equalled a whole Mexico
6. Was a French guy
7. A beloved war hero
8. Italian Risorgimento
9. Led Allied troops
10. A Cuban revolutionary
11. Mellow General

Maurice Goddard with:
A happiness guru's seven tips for a better life:

1: Nurture healthy relationships.

2: Pet-owners are generally happier, less lonely.

3: Say thank you and be thankful.

4: Be kind. Be a volunteer.

5: Forgive and let go.

6: Exercise.

7: Find meaning and engagement in your life.

=

1: Hug your faithful partner daily.

2: Stroking a purring cat in your lap releases tension.

3: Thoughtfulness behind benignity.

4: Help all in need.

5: DON'T be fiery as a green-eyed monster!

6: Feel new! Live! Have sex often! Skip! Run!

7: Seek love, anagrams, beer, eat an apple!

Jason Lofts with:
Eleven of the Most Popular Songs of Australian ('Down Under') musician/composer/animator Rolf Harris CBE (currently under CID pedophiliac investigation)

1. Sun arise
2. Waltzing Matilda
3. Stairway to heaven
4. Bluer than blue
5. Fine day
6. That's what they call the didgeridoo
7. The court of King Caractacus
8. Jake the Peg
9. Two little boys
10. Ego sum pauper
11. Tie me kangaroo down, sport
=
1. "Spreading the light all around"
2. "Jumbuck in the tucker bag" - unofficial national anthem of Australia
3. As a Led Zeppelin cover
4. Soppy
5. Stutters
6. Aboriginal natural wooden trumpet
7. A Scouts' campfire song
8. Third leg (witty)
9. What can one say? Groping ('our dates') - they led to my arrest...
10. Of course I will be poor once this court case is over and I have to work
11. "Tan me hide when I'm dead"

Meyran Kraus with:

Here's a cool mind-reading trick for you, dear readers! Solve this short math test. It's totally easy, but you have got to do it as fast as you can:

1+1
2+2
3+3
4+4
5+5

QUICK! Think of a number between 12 and 5.

The number that you picked was seven! Nice, right? Almost no one thinks of anything else!

=

Want a second trick? Okay. Add these numbers up this time:

1+5
2+4
3+3
4+2
5+1

All done? Now say the number you have out loud for 15 seconds straight...

QUICK! Think of a vegetable!

Is it a carrot?

If not, you're among the 2% that think of something else. Everybody else says carrot! Isn't that insane?

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

>1st - Meyran Kraus with:
About Paris

Tiled floors in bedrooms; trees (now run to seed —
Such seed as the wind takes) of Liberty;
Squares with new names that no one seems to see;
Scrambling Briarean passages, which lead
To the first place you came from; urgent need
Of unperturbed nasal philosophy;
Through Paris (what with church and gallery)
Some forty first-rate paintings, or indeed
Fifty mayhap; fine churches; splendid inns;
Fierce sentinels (toy-size without the stands)
Who spit their oaths at you and grind their r's
If at a fountain you would wash your hands;
One Frenchman (this is fact) who thinks he spars:
Can even good dinners cover all these sins?

=

That French Spire I Saw

As fondly I would gaze
At photos I had taken,
Those scenes in nobler France
Would thrash in me, awakened:
Each shop is glamorous,
Each square is sunny there,
The food is wonderful
And stress is very rare -
But often, in the depths,
One plus is permanent
More than its fussy fans
That watched its fresh ascent,
And 'neath this noble force
Composed with subtlety,
French, shiny openness
Shrouds timid novelty.
So scorn it, if you want,
And draw it - if you dare,
Though painting eagerly
Seems artificial there,
As, on prestigious grounds
Where iron has this heart,
Our epic shaft will grow
And climb beyond prime art.

[The visual tribute appears when the poem is centered and every word containing an I in the poem body is highlighted:]

That French Spire I Saw

As fondly I would gaze
At photos I had taken,
Those scenes in nobler France
Would thrash in me, awakened:
Each shop is glamorous,
Each square is sunny there,
The food is wonderful
And stress is very rare -
But often, in the depths,
One plus is permanent
More than its fussy fans
That watched its fresh ascent,
And 'neath this noble force
Composed with subtlety,
French, shiny openness
Shrouds timid novelty.
So scorn it, if you want,
And draw it - if you dare,
Though painting eagerly
Seems artificial there,
As, on prestigious grounds
Where iron has this heart,
Our epic shaft will grow
And climb beyond prime art.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
HOW TO RECOGNISE ARTISTS FROM THEIR PAINTINGS.
1. If the images have a dark background and everybody has tortured expressions on their faces, it's TITIAN

2. If everyone in the painting has enormous arses, then it's RUBENS

3. If all the men look like cow-eyed curly-haired women, it's CARAVAGGIO

4. If the paintings have tons of little people in them but otherwise seem normal, it's BRUEGEL

5. If the paintings have quite a lot of little people in them but also have a ton of crazy bullshit, it's BOSCH

6. If everyone looks like hobos illuminated by only a dim streetlamp, it's REMBRANDT

7. If the paintings could easily have a few chubby Cupids, or sheep, added (or already has them) it's FRANCOIS BOUCHER

8. If everyone is beautiful, naked and stacked, it's MICHELANGELO

9. If you see a ballerina, it's DEGAS

10. If everything is highly-contrasted and sharp, sort of bluish, and everybody has gaunt, bearded faces, it's EL GRECO

11. If you see a dozen eyes and noses but there's only one person in the painting, it's PICASSO

12. If everyone - including the women - looks like Vladimir Putin, then it's VAN EYCK

13. If his paintings remind you of the sort of surreal dreams you have after an evening spent drinking beer and tequila slammers, followed by an extra-late night meal of curried eggs with cheese fondue whilst listening to 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds', it's SALVADOR DALI

=

HOW TO RECOGNISE THE TOP-THIRTEEN RANKED ANAGRAM ACES FROM THEIR 'GRAMS.

13. If the ideas are innovative, inventive and exhibit a waspish sense of humour, it's DAVID BOURKE

12. If they are concise and clever, it's MIKE MESTERTON-GIBBONS

11. If they display a high-degree of rudeness, with occasional lapses into the philosophical, it's RICK ROTHSTEIN

10. If an unexpected diamond suddenly gleams into view, it's probably by... VIEW.

9. If love of, and dedication to, the art looks evident in his anagrams, it's bound to be that Aussie bloke LARRY BRASH:

8. If they please and give great value for 'Monet', it'll be ELLIE DENT

7. If you see sporadic but high-quality submissions that generally win, it's SCOTT GARDNER

6. If seen to be funny, inventive and quintessentially English? Oh, I'd say it's CHRISTOPHER STURDY

5. If they're vibrant and innovative, it's the gentle DHARAM KALSA

4. If you see a poignant, beautifully-crafted poem in 'Special' and a full-house of Noms, then it's ADIE PENA

3. If you see this superb crossword puzzle in 'Special' and a funny gag in 'Medium' or 'Long', it's the versatile NEDESTO!

2. When Nicola, of the Daily Mail's 'Peterborough' column, checks her emails on a Monday morning and yells, 'Heck, who is all this deranged gobbledegook from?' it's TONY CRAFTER:

1. If the sheer genius of the work literally takes flight before your eyes, it's the peerless MEYRAN KRAUS:

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
IT MIGHT AS WELL RAIN UNTIL SEPTEMBER
By
Carole King

What shall I write?
What can I say?
How can I tell you how much I miss you?

The weather here has been as nice as it can be
Although it doesn't really matter much to me
For all the fun I'll have while you're so far away
It might as well rain until September

I don't need sunny skies for things I like to do
'Cause I stay home the whole day long and think of you
As far as I'm concerned each day's a rainy day
So It might as well rain until September

My friends look forward to their picnics on the beach
Yes everybody loves the summertime
But you know darling while your arms are out of reach
The summer isn't any friend of mine

It doesn't matter whether skies are grey or blue
It's raining in my heart 'cause I can't be with you
I'm only living for the day you're home to stay
So It might as well rain until September
September, September, oh
It might as well rain until September

=

IT MAY WELL RAIN UNTIL SEPTEMBER
By
Noah Sark

When will it clear?
Where will I go?
Is there a way they can stop it raining?

This soggy weather is as wretched as can be
With rain each day for what seems an eternity
It's March, yet still it's pouring in our great UK
Hey, I hear it might rain until September!

I yearn for sunny days like those I used to know
But I see heavy rain, then massive floods follow
As far as I'm aware they could be here to stay
Hmm, it may go on until September!

They say the lion of March goes lamb-like come the hour
In May, the Summer's marking time behind
Though in between we face those bloody April showers!
Ouch! Mother Nature you're no friend of mine!

It's said into each life a drop of rain may fall
And usually it would not matter much at all
Yet it's rained endlessly throughout successive months
Hey, it might well rain until September, October, November... Yikes! it
May well rain until December!

Adie Pena with:
THE IDES OF MARCH
by C. P. Cavafy
Translated by Edmund Keeley and Philip Sherrard

Guard, O my soul, against pomp and glory.
And if you cannot curb your ambitions,
at least pursue them hesitantly, cautiously.
And the higher you go,
the more searching and careful you need to be.

And when you reach your summit, Caesar at last-
when you assume the role of someone that famous-
then be especially careful as you go out into the street,
a conspicuous man of power with your retinue;
and should a certain Artemidorus
come up to you out of the crowd, bringing a letter,
and say hurriedly: "Read this at once.
There are things in it important for you to see,"
be sure to stop; be sure to postpone
all talk or business; be sure to brush off
all those who salute and bow to you
(they can be seen later); let even
the Senate itself wait-and find out immediately
what grave message Artemidorus has for you.

=

THE INTERPRETATION OF DREAMS

Some people decipher and discover obscure unusual future meanings;
Others construe yet clarify your whereabouts situated in slumber.
Saying your famous paean and sympathetic pastorale thoughtfully;
Errors, and that mute travesty of yesterday, agitated by the number.

Artful ephemera become a speech, about a lie that can be lost with a sigh;
Empty theosophies, the catatonic eyes tainted by an enormous yawn;
Idols, the hefty bodies and figurines, in your famous Dali-like landscape;
Rust-coloured tattery, too austere like the mournful mahogany dawn.

Dallying here, a footnote in the safe subconscious shallows no more;
Diving through the treacherous, monotonous blue waters much too deep.
Anchored torturously in your harbour, the meadowsweet cottage far away,
Usually found deteriorating in anybody's anomalous sleep.

nedesto with:
Twilight - Sara Teasdale

Dreamily over the roofs
The cold spring rain is falling;
Out in the lonely tree
A bird is calling, calling.

Slowly over the earth
The wings of night are falling;
My heart like the bird in the tree
Is calling, calling, calling.

=

Her Ethereal Choir

Toward the close of day,
When shadows are colliding;
Inviting all the lonely girls to
Listen to familiar crying.

Illumined by lightning,
Gentle air is sparkling;
Heartfelt galas all flare alive,
The night circle be starting!

The Anagrammy Awards

MARCH 2014 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY