1st - Rick Rothstein with:
There is lot of pain and hate ~
at the end of a relationship.
2nd - Jesse Frankovich with:
I am sensing through that set called ~
sight, hearing, taste, smell, and touch.
3rd - Scott Gardner with:
Televangelist =
Elegant TV lies.
Rob Bretveld with:
Megachurch =
Charge much.
1st - David Bourke with:
The guitarist Peter Townshend =
Interesting...started up The Who.
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The beautiful, blonde singer Agnetha Ase Faltskog ~
is the tuneful Abba golden-gal I sag at the knees for!
3rd - Adie Pena with:
Guy Ritchie's motion picture 'The Man from U.N.C.L.E.' =
Cut to much more intrigue; another nice spy film!
1st - Scott Gardner with:
GOP presidential candidates =
A disappointing set declared.
2nd - Julian Lofts with:
Migrant smugglers =
Man's grim struggle.
3rd - Jesse Frankovich with:
The Republican presidential candidates =
Dipshit set lead in an unpredictable race.
1st - Jesse Frankovich with:
The Republican Donald Trump =
A rich, pampered, blunt old nut!
2nd - Adie Pena with:
Donald and Melania Trump =
Old Man and Platinum Dear.
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Those felons Ronald "Ronnie" and Reginald "Reggie" Kray =
Dire killers ran a gory gang here in East End of London.
1st - Jesse Frankovich with:
The Republicans =
Buncha reptiles!
Eq2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Olive Garden Signature Italian Dressing =
Is salt, grease, oil and vinegar true dining?
Eq2nd - Scott Gardner with:
International Mathematical Olympiad =
I am a polynomial and arithmetic talent.
1st - Adie Pena with:
The Top Five Nations with the Highest Gun Ownership
5. Cyprus
4. Serbia
3. Finland
2. Switzerland
1. The United States
=
5. Persons with shotguns
4. Identified 'war zone'
3. Entrusting with stupidity
2. All the chaps have
1. Benefits the NRA.
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Crude (but how interesting!)
1. My willy's the same size as two Argos pens.
2. I'm banned from Argos.
=
Seems that...
1. I tried drowning my sorrows in booze.
2. A faulty plan - seems the buggers can swim! :(
3rd - Ellie Dent with:
A wife, raging, hit her startled husband. 'I found this leaflet today that had
Sexy Jo-ann on it.
I'm agog! How come? What? Who?'
=
'Oh, just the name of a ... a new dog I bet on.' Next day, his wife hit him
again, hard.
'OW! What's that for?'
'Your dog called last night.'
1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." - Clint Eastwood =
His romantic analysis is a warning: "Never underestimate the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly!"
2nd Meyran Kraus- with:
"They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." - Clint Eastwood =
I sense Adam had it easy: he's got the nice garden and a sultry virgin, but no mother-in-law!
Eq 3rd - Larry Brash with:
"They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." - Clint Eastwood =
The wedding ring commits a husband to endure in his eternal earthly voyage as a saint.
Eq 3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." - Clint Eastwood =
A Dirty Harry's thoughts on being wed and electron hits in a gale as a divine amusement.
1st - Tony Crafter with:
The young female teacher asked her class of kids: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Freddy Perry was the first to answer: "Gee Miss, I wanna be a billionaire and go to the most expensive clubs. I want to take the best bitch, give her a shiny new Ferrari worth half a million bucks, and an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, her own private jet to travel through Europe and the rest of the world, give her a Platinum Mastercard, and make love to her three times every goddamn day."
The teacher was thoroughly shocked by Little Freddy's dreadful behaviour but, not knowing what to do about this, she decided to ignore his answer and continue with the rest of the class.
"And what do you want to do, Keeley?" she said to a young girl at the back of the room.
“I wanna be Little Freddy’s bitch!”
=
A seven-year old boy and his five-year old little brother were in their bedroom talking. "You know what?" articulated the older child, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The younger boy laughed excitedly in approval.
"Right, when we go down for breakfast I am gonna swear first, then you can swear right after me."
"Wow, ok!" said the five-year old.
Later, as they sat at the breakfast table, their mother came in and asked the seven-year old son what he wanted.
"Why, shit mum, I'll just have some darn Coco Pops," he said.
THWACK!! came the instant response. The lad flew out of his chair, crashed to the floor, then got up and ran upstairs sobbing.
The mother glared at the five-year old and said in her sternest voice, "And what do YOU want to eat, young man?"
"I dunno," he blubbered, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."
2nd - Ellie Dent with:
THE MIME AND THE LION
One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendances at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla just until they can get another gorilla. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime nervously puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it is in fact a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws much bigger crowds than he ever did working as a mime.
However, eventually, inevitably the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging aimlessly on tires. He begins to notice that the audience is paying much more attention to the lion in the cage adjoining his.
=
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of the cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the very top to the lion's cage. This makes the lion mad, furious, but attracts the crowd, who love it.
At the end of the day the overjoyed zookeeper gives the mime a raise for being an extraordinary attraction as a gorilla, a major new extravaganza.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds there grow ever larger, and he is overjoyed ... his salary keeps going up! Then one day when he is dangling over the lion, he slips and falls. The mime is looking terrified. The lion moves a pace forward, prepares to pounce. The mime who's timid, is so scared that he runs round the cage. The lion then races after him.
The mime starts to scream, 'HELP ME!' but the lion pounces. Now the dazed mime finds himself in a bad dream: flat on his back gazing tensely up at the majestic lion.
The lion says: 'Jeez, man! Better shut up! D'ya want to get us both fired?'
3rd - Jesse Frankovich with:
GOP Debate Candidates:
1. Donald Trump
2. Jeb Bush
3. Scott Walker
4. Mike Huckabee
5. Ben Carson
6. Ted Cruz
7. Marco Rubio
8. Rand Paul
9. Chris Christie
10. John Kasich
=
1. Top rich prick
2. W's brother
3. Corrupted scumbag
4. Jesus zealot
5. Black brain doc
6. Hotheaded dunce
7. Cuban kid
8. Libertarian nut
9. Immense jackass
10. OH head
1st - Tony Crafter with:
OH I WISH I'D LOOKED AFTER ME TEETH
By
Pam Ayres
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth,
And spotted the dangers beneath
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food.
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.
I wish I'd been that much more willin'
When I had more tooth there than fillin'
To give up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers,
And to buy something else with me shillin'.
When I think of the lollies I licked
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.
My mother, she told me no end,
'If you got a tooth, you got a friend.'
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.
Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin'
And pokin' and fussin'
Didn't seem worth the time - I could bite!
If I'd known I was paving the way
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fillin's,
Injections and drillin's,
I'd have thrown all me sherbet away.
So I lie in the old dentist's chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine
In these molars of mine.
'Two amalgam,' he'll say, 'for in there.'
How I laughed at my mother's false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath.
But now comes the reckonin'
It's me they are beckonin'
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.
2nd - Jesse Frankovich with:
SICK
"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more - that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue -
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke -
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is - what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is . . . Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"
=
RICH
"I ought to be the president,"
Said Donald Trump, the malcontent.
"I have a zillion dollars, see.
I'm filthy rich, so vote for me!
My house is huge, my purse is big,
I'm such a chauvinistic pig.
My kickbacks are backed up by goons,
I'm sacking sixteen rival loons -
I'm number one in seventeen,
And don't you think my wealth's obscene?
My mug is smug, my skin is tan,
I'm glaringly my greatest fan.
I blame and brag and screech and cuss,
My empire's way luxurious.
My plan's to raise that fence and then
Let's make this nation great again!
My money's crisp, my team excels,
I have the finest prime hotels.
My teeth are fake, my wife is hot,
I'm naughty on my private yacht.
My nose is high, my shit don't stink,
I barely care what people think.
My blood is blue, my lawn is green,
I think my hair is mighty keen.
My brain's acute, my heart is grand,
My sound bites are in high demand.
My stock is up, I cannot lose,
I'm always in the nightly news.
I have a hyena, and my housekeeper - what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is . . . Voting Day?
G'bye, I'm dropping out to play!
3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Peace of Wild Things
by Wendell Berry (from Kentucky, USA)
When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.
=
Levity
When the weight of routine is heavy,
I withdraw and retire to the 'healthier' country,
where I wander the weeded pathway
along the deteriorated ditch,
where frogs loiter in stagnant water
to catch the wretched flies.
I inhale a whiff of ragweed,
and exhale (ugh) into a clean handkerchief.
Let It Be
by The Beatles (of Liverpool, England)
When I find myself in times of trouble,
Mother Mary comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom,
'Let it be.'
And in my hour of darkness,
She is standing right in front of me,
Speaking words of wisdom,
'Let it be.'
1st - Christopher Sturdy with:
A horse kick that finds the groin, man. =
Damn! It's a hoof right in the knackers!
2nd - Rick Rothstein with:
Vertical smile =
I'm a clever slit.
3rd - Jason Lofts with:
The prime Republican candidate Donald Trump =
Part demented rich bald cunt popular in media.
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