1st -

2nd -

3rd -


1st - Jesse Frankovich with:
The top women's professional tennis player =
Serena Williams oft preys on the opponents.

Eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"The Story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears" =
Lordy, shock of a girl at rest on the bed sheet!

Eq2nd -Tony Crafter with:
Ace composer, bandleader and tunesmith Glenn Miller =
Late, American-born legend presumed lost mid-Channel.


1st - Ellie Dent with:
Desperate migrants =
A depressing matter.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Syrian immigrants =
A ministry's nightmare.

3rd - Julian Lofts with:
The Volkswagen emissions disgrace =
Switch ignores vile gases and smoke.


1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
US Presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton =
Emails and political innuendo hardly distract her.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Austrian-American Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger =
Senior with a large-size character and a long surname!

3rd - Adie Pena with:
Writer and illustrator Theodor Seuss Geisel =
His treasured stories grew on our little lads.


1st - John Ramos with:
Death Valley, California =
I fry in a lava-coated hell.

2nd - David Bourke with:
Bipolar Affective Disorder (manic depression) =
Mood variable: Perfect, fine and crisis periods.

3rd - Jesse Frankovich with:
The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil =
God grew food in Eden; Eve took the Fall.


1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Five Brilliant Mathematicians:
1. Sir Isaac Newton
2. Carl Friedrich Gauss
3. John von Neumann
4. Alan Turing
5. Benoit Mandelbrot
1. Laws of Motion
2. Overnight natural in numerals
3. Acclaim in hard subjects
4. Intervention in Enigma
5. A brain behind fractals

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Actors On The Show Friends:
1. Jennifer Aniston
2. Courtney Cox
3. Lisa Kudrow
4. Matt LeBlanc
5. Matthew Perry
6. David Schwimmer
Their Six Characters On TV:
1. Fun Rachel
2. 'Mom' Monica
3. Mindless nut Phoebe
4. Twit Joey
5. Often witty Chandler
6. Awkward nerd Ross

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
PC Jeffery Ross rings in to the station:
"Hell, we've got a rather tense situation down here. Some old lady shot her husband for ~
standing on a floor she'd just been washing."
"So, have you arrested her for the partner's homicide?"
"Not yet, the floor's still wet."


1st - Tony Crafter with:
"We receive three educations:
one from our parents, one from our schoolmaster, and one from the world.
The third contradicts all that the first two teach us." -Baron de Montesquieu
Fine comment, sir, but one error:
Mum 'n' Dad teach us love; school teaches us to to read and write; the world teaches terror, fear, confrontation.
The former two equip us to handle this.

2nd - Jesse Frankovich with:
"We receive three educations: one from our parents, one from our schoolmaster, and one from the world. The third contradicts all that the first two teach us." - Baron de Montesquieu

After the welcome comforts in home or in scholarship, downtrodden, we learn quite a lot about misfortune, adverse circumstances, and the true horror of death out on the street.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"We receive three educations:
one from our parents, one from our schoolmaster, and one from the world.
The third contradicts all that the first two teach us."
-Baron de Montesquieu
Mother warned tot: "Now, remember P's and Q's!"
Teacher chided uncouth student: "Remain courteous, or off to reform school!"
Irrational adult: "Oh, I often swear at vehicles on the street!"


1st - Jesse Frankovich with:

1. Washington
2. Adams
3. Jefferson
4. Madison
5. Monroe
6. Adams
7. Jackson
8. Van Buren
9. Harrison
10. Tyler
11. Polk
12. Taylor
13. Fillmore
14. Pierce
15. Buchanan
16. Lincoln
17. Johnson
18. Grant
19. Hayes
20. Garfield
21. Arthur
22. Cleveland
23. Harrison
24. Cleveland
25. McKinley
26. Roosevelt
27. Taft
28. Wilson
29. Harding
30. Coolidge
31. Hoover
32. Roosevelt
33. Truman
34. Eisenhower
35. Kennedy
36. Johnson
37. Nixon
38. Ford
39. Carter
40. Reagan
41. Bush
42. Clinton
43. Bush
44. Obama


1. Mount Vernon
2. Sam's cousin
3. Monticello
4. James
5. fifth
6. John's son
7. Old Hickory
8. had sideburns
9. Tippecanoe
10. John
11. TN governor
12. hero general
13. Millard
14. Franklin
15. bachelor
16. Honest
17. Andy
18. Ulysses
19. nineteenth
20. assassinated
21. Chester
22. Grover
23. Benjamin
24. Grover again
25. Ohioan
26. Colonel
27. fat
28. Woodrow
29. Teapot Dome
30. Calvin
31. Herbert
32. New Deal
33. Harry S
34. Ike
35. shot
36. Lyndon
37. evil scum
38. Gerald
39. nut farmer
40. Ronald
41. Texan
42. intern affair
43. such a fool
44. Barack

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A woman goes into the butcher's shop just before closing.

She says, "Thank heavens I've made it in time! Do you have any chickens left?"

The butcher opens the fridge door and takes out his one and only chicken, and plops it onto the scales. It weighs two-and-a-half pounds.

"Oh dear, it's a bit on the small side really; do you have anything bigger?" the woman inquires.

The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it straight out again, and plops it onto the scales, only this time he craftily keeps one finger pressed down on the chicken. The scales show three-and-a-quarter pounds.

"Wonderful!" says the woman. "I'll take them both please."


Two blondes are on a shopping mission in a mall.

As soon as they are finished, the women go out to their car, which happens to be an impressive, leather-upholstered convertible. When they get back to the car, they notice they have locked the keys inside. So they stand and mull it over for ten minutes.

Finally one has the idea of trying to open the car with a useful hanger from a coat she has just purchased. So the first blonde starts picking at the lock with the hanger.

As she is doing this, Helen - the second blonde - looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes agitated.

"Quick, Una, quick!" she urges. "It's gonna rain and we left the top down!"

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
A guy is driving around, when to his astonishment he sees a sign in front of a run-down house:


He rings the bell. The owner appears and tells him the dog, Jasper, is in the backyard. The guy goes out to the back and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' replies the Lab.

'Goodness gracious me!' says the stupefied guy. 'So what's your story?'

The Lab says, 'Well, in brief, I discovered I could talk when I was young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA, and was sworn into the United States Marine Corps.

I jetted from America, from country to country, mingling with spies, and alongside great world leaders solving clues; and safe, because who'd ever imagine a canine would understand?


I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, but the jetting around got progressively tiring, irksome frankly, and I knew I was not getting any younger.

So, I decided to settle down. I resigned and then signed up at the airport to do some undercover security, following suspicious characters and listening in etc.

I uncovered some secret dealings and I was awarded a bunch of medals. I got married, had some fourteen or so puppies, and now, well, I am just retired.'

The guy is flabbergasted. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars.' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? Honestly? That's unthinkable! This dog's marvellous! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar! He was in the Navy.


1st - Jesse Frankovich with:
An acrostic sonnet anagram of Shakespeare's Sonnet 73.

That time of year thou mayst in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
Bare ruin'd choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.
In me thou see'st the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west;
Which by and by black night doth take away,
Death's second self, that seals up all in rest.
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the deathbed whereon it must expire,
Consumed with that which it was nourish'd by.
This thou perceiv'st, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well which thou must leave ere long.


This time of year, when weather starts to cool,
Has such a healthy harvest to pursue.
Each teacher and each youth goes back to school;
Fun hayrides through the pumpkin patch ensue.
All Hallows' Eve is nigh, with tasty sweets;
Leaves change in hue; the whirling winds will blow.
Light hours decrease; the end the warmth then meets,
Harsh signs of wintry white about to show.
A blithesome, chatty, most kindhearted mood
Relaxin' with the kiddies in the den,
Vast bounty of seductive hearty food
Enmeshing with a football game (or ten!).
So with the thought of how we feel much blessed,
This season fits, undoubtedly the best.
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Sung by
Shirley Bassey

He's the man, the man with the Midas touch
A spider's touch
Such a cold finger
Beckons you to enter his web of sin
But don't go in

Golden words he will pour in your ear
But his lies can't disguise what you fear
For a golden girl knows when he's kissed her
It's the kiss of death from

Mister Goldfinger
Pretty girl beware of this heart of gold
This heart is cold

Golden words he will pour in your ear
But his lies can't disguise what you fear
For a golden girl knows when he's kissed her
It's the kiss of death from

Mister Goldfinger
Pretty girl beware of this heart of gold
This heart is cold

He loves only gold
Only gold
He loves gold
He loves only gold
Only gold
He loves gold


Reg 'The Spade-Digger' Todd (Licensed to grow!)

He's the guy, the guy with the grower's touch,
A sower's touch.
With his soiled finger
He'll beckon you down to his garden shed,
Don't be misled!

For he doesn't dig you, it's all talk,
All he digs is the earth with a fork,
When he tempts hopeful girls to his bed, it's
A bed of flowers...

Of Mr. Greenfingers,
Sorry, girl, in his world the borders rule,
So don't be fooled!

Though you think it's a budding romance,
He cares more about slugs on his plants,
And lady, you'll only stand half a chance
If you've got worms - forget

Him! Don't linger,
Back off girl, gosh why fool yourself with lies?
His sap won't rise!

He digs only soil
Velvet soil
Lovely soil
Dark, dark soil
He digs soil.

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
VI. Autumn Song

Now the leaves are falling fast,
Nurse’s flowers will not last,
Nurses to their graves are gone,
But the prams go rolling on.

Whispering neighbors left and right
Daunt us from our true delight,
Able hands are forced to freeze
Derelict on lonely knees.

Close behind us on our track,
Dead in hundreds cry Alack,
Arms raised stiffly to reprove
In false attitudes of love.

Scrawny through a plundered wood,
Trolls run scolding for their food,
Owl and nightingale are dumb,
And the angel will not come.

Clear, unscalable, ahead
Rise the Mountains of Instead,
From whose cold, cascading streams
None may drink except in dreams.

A poem taken from the series Twelve Songs by W H Auden

A loving message to my mother, Maxine Sturdy
September 2015


12 Terms, Gentle Mum

Is it really on to say that loveliness has won the day
If too much dreadful stuff occurs? I'd think it all rather absurd
If all is sorrow, horror, grief, dry one's tears, grit one's teeth
No one's even, all is odd, nothing save the fear of God
As spirits sank to sub zero; sad nadir reached, grim all-time low
Remember mum's love will never cease; son all thankful, on bended knees
Set out sturdy, kept going strong, cheerful laugh and sung a song.
Her life cut short, felt incomplete as an unripened sheaf of wheat.
Pub's now shut, landlord's rung time, wenn man fragt, sagt er 'nein'.
No beer, cigar or sugared tea, GP's max vino per day, 50cc;
Slowed down, becalmed, not very well, once Big C defiled a cell,
Maxi, I mourn a mother dear and so ends now another year


1st - Scott Gardner with:
Antiflatulence drug =
Nulled acute farting

2nd - Jesse Frankovich with:
Men who use Levitra ~
have lustier women.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
David Cameron inserted his penis in a dead pig's mouth? =
The shamed PM announces: "Did I, voters? In a pig's ear I did!"

The Anagrammy Awards