Current Nominations for July, 2017 [104]

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY [20 nominations]

db with:
Last-minute post =
Input's most late!

Rosie Perera with:
The dark, racist underbelly of America =
A myth/creed: "adult blacks are inferior".

View with:
Postpartum depression =
Ma needs top support, sir.

HSP with:
Wearing one's birthday suit ~
was beneath our dignity, sir.

Adie Pena with:
Unfair insolence ~
can ruin one's life.

Rosie Perera with:
Drone photography =
Had the gyro prop on.

Dharam with:
"Confine yourself to the present." - Marcus Aurelius
Lucius' co-emperor's line: There's no fantasy future.

Tom Myers with:
Let's call it a day. =
Last act, lay idle

dk with:
The road to hell is paved with good intentions =
So, don't negotiate with the devil or do his plan!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The road to hell is paved with good intentions =
The stair to heaven is piled with "DO NOT!" on gold

db with:
The road to hell is paved with good intentions =
The evil shalt go down it, on to Hades' perdition.

Dharam with:
The road to hell is paved with good intentions =
Poll: Do saints with devotion go there in death?

Dharam with:
To pay someone a compliment =
Top men employ it as a come-on!

Tom Myers with:
In a council flat ‡
financial clout

dk with:
Real estate agent: "Location, location, location!" =
No, a little too close to a canal. I can't agree on it.

Josiah Winslow with:
Magnetic pull =
Metal cling-up

Tony Crafter with:
Time and tide wait for no man =
No, damn it! I'm in for a wet date!

Scott G with:
Presidential pardon ‡
A pal did enter prison.

Ellie with:
Head in the clouds =
Hatched delusion.

Ellie with:
I'm not in love =
No, I'm violent!


Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
America's Got Talent =
A magic start on tele

HSP with:
To Kill the President by Sam Bourne =
Pre-eminent book, it's hardly subtle.

Adie Pena with:
"Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin =
People wanted a very sizable N.Y. hit!

Tony Crafter with:
The Royal Academy's Summer Exhibition =
Sublime art mixed in each room, they say.

George Sicherman with:
I have to buy the New York Times Sunday Edition. ~
Done. But it's heavy, and I think I wore out my eyes.

Ellie with:
Reese Witherspoon in the movie Legally Blonde =
Her gene pool's yellow-tone hair is bedevilment!

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY [18 nominations]

Dharam with:
Why Trump’s vengeful Tweeting matters =
Put gently, few might ever trust a.m. news!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"Modern day presidential" =
Dementedly paranoid sir

Adie Pena with:
Damn it! Hundreds of people trust ~
President of the U.S. Donald Trump!

Rosie Perera with:
A transgender child is born =
"Son and Girl" birth card seen.

HSP with:
A North Korean nuclear missile test =
Nutter's Alaska rhetoric - none smile.

View with:
Fourth of July celebrations =
Joy for the US, but nice for all.

Tony Crafter with:
Mosul is liberated =
IS role sublimated

Adie Pena with:
First Lady Melania Trump at the G Twenty dinner =
Wealthy man's girl date met tyrant friend Putin.

Rosie Perera with:
Donald Trump Jr.'s emails =
Just drop lad in slammer.

Christopher Davis with:
Nothingburger =
To bring hunger.

Rosie Perera with:
Donald Trump, Jr., did "opposition research" =
Hoped Russia dropped major Clinton dirt.

Snafu I'll Jot with:
The undies dress code at Wimbledon ~
decided non-white must be sad loser.

Rosie Perera with:
"Let Obamacare fail." (Donald Trump) =
Unpalatable for a mild Democrat.

Josiah Winslow with:
The Trump-Russia collusion story
It's such a silly set-up rumor!

Or not...

Rosie Perera with:
O.J. Simpson granted parole =
A major legend post-prison.

Adie Pena with:
July One: National Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day =
Fat America truly enjoyed cocaine over vanilla!

nedesto with:
Simpson has now earned parole =
Prisoner slashed a woman open.

Snafu I'll Jot with:
Scaramucci - "No, not editor! I'm ~
a communications director!"


Adie Pena with:
Theoretical physicist Stephen William Hawking =
He's the will, a capacity to impress while thinking!

Adie Pena with:
Damn it! Hundreds of people trust ~
President of the U.S. Donald Trump!

Snafu I'll Jot with:
Searyl Atli =
It's really a.....?

View with:
Ismail Abdel Salam Ahmed Haniyeh =
I'm behind Hamas lead. Yes, Allah, I am.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
William Shakespeare =
Spieler was like a ham

HSP with:
Madame Brigitte Marie-Claude Macron =
Let crude American bigot admire mama.

John Fidler with:
Jodie Auckland Whittaker =
Dr Who, a tacit Dalek junkie

Tony Crafter with:
The computer scientist Alan Mathison Turing OBE FRS ~
unciphers those Enigma battle instruction formats.

Ellie with:
A M Turing, OBE =
I got a number!

Snafu I'll Jot with:
Anthony Scaramucci is ~
a masochist, a cynic. Run!

Tony Crafter with:
Computer scientist Alan Mathison Turing OBE FRS =
Machine's first run aborts Teutonic Enigma plots.


HSP with:
A Stentor Student Double Bass with a Roland Cube Amp
Sounds superb:
The low, loud beat in a band attracts me.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Department of Homeland Security =
Donald Trump is hefty menace thereto.

Rosie Perera with:
The Electronic Privacy Information Center ~
can protect her voter info nicely, I'm certain.

Ethan with:
Hampshire College Summer Studies in Mathematics: ~
I teach STEM child numerals, sums, geometries, pi, ham.

Adie Pena with:
The Beatles' Apple Corps Ltd. =
The last celebrated pop LPs.

db with:
The American Red Cross =
Considerate charmers!

Tony Crafter with:
Great Ormond Street Hospital For Children =
Charlie - doting parents told them of errors.


Snafu I'll Jot with:
Deadly workplace gun violence happens in the Bronx Lebanon hospital yesterday =
Any hunches? Vexed Nigerian Dr Henry Bello boldly points a weapon, attacks people.

Ellie with:
Once, a trio, three blind mice pals, lived in a museum. One dark, dark night, after the museum closed, a mouse crawled there into
a suit of armor. And so, became lost, indeed incarcerated. Dismal, unwell even, our mouse cried: 'Help me make it thru' the knight!'


Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity =
See ethic I design to incriminate minority voters on poll days!

Snafu I'll Jot with:
The Piers Gaveston Society at Oxford University means ~
fruity overtones, vice, sex, so a pig's head taints Tory men.

Snafu I'll Jot with:
Hadi Asadi has won the International Trumpism Cartoon and Caricature Contest =
Ha, that trenchant Iranian competitor draws an idiot, earns mutinous accolades.

HSP with:
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. Will Rogers =
My philosophy is: Giggle at one's own sly nonsense. It's braver and guilt-free.

Mark Huffman with:
Donald Trump, President of the United States of America =
Admits premeditated foul depths of treason? Uncertain.

Adie Pena with:
George Harrison's Top Three Beatles Songs
1. While My Guitar Gently Weeps
2. Something
3. Here Comes The Sun
1. Huge hit. (Yes, E. Clapton on guitar!)
2. She's my gal; we're together
3. Winter's gone, Spring's here -- see them blossom!

Dharam with:
Trump tells the First Lady of France, Brigitte Macron: “You’re in such good shape … beautiful” =
She is fine, coy, truly glamorous, but he is daft, not fit, corrupt, regretful, and impeachable!

Snafu I'll Jot with:
The great Swiss Roger Federer has beaten the poor Croatian Marin Cilic at Wimbledon =
Eight titles is a rare record to celebrate, sir - a win more than champion fan, Swede Borg.

Tony Crafter with:
Celine Dion's top selling singles
1. My Heart Will Go On
2. Think Twice
3. Because You Love Me
4. Tell Him
5. It's All Coming Back To Me Now
1. The bleak Titanic theme
2. Killingly monotonic
3. Soul music? Well...
4. Vocally compelling song with Streisand.
5. See I'm woebegone

Snafu I'll Jot with:
"Women should be obscene and not heard," said comedian Groucho Marx =
"Ha!" I concur, "Men demand hardcore, oogamous sex with blondes on a bed."


Dharam with:
"Le grand criard sans honte audacieux
Sera esleu gouuerneur de l'armee:
La hardiesse de son contenteur
Le pont rompu, cite de pur pasmee"
Oh, appears a hotel entrepreneur
Deemed USA leader and president
Secure in luxurious grandeur
A curse: some allegiances to document

Rosie Perera with:
"Le grand criard sans honte audacieux
Sera esleu gouuerneur de l'armee:
La hardiesse de son contenteur
Le pont rompu, cite de pur pasmee"
Riddles according to Nostradamus
Are eerie, arcane, sure to stump.
See, an unusual experience reeled us;
Huge one, eh? Repeal Donald Trump!

Dharam with:
"Le grand criard sans honte audacieux
Sera esleu gouuerneur de l'armee:
La hardiesse de son contenteur
Le pont rompu, cite de pur pasmee"
Huge prophecies unexplained
Endeared, amused or entertained
Astrologers speculate
Reasoners calculate
Undue rumours remained

Josiah Winslow with:
"Le grand criard sans honte audacieux
Sera esleu gouuerneur de l'armee:
La hardiesse de son contenteur
Le pont rompu, cite de pur pasmee"
An unusual, unexpected germ,
Our people once elected as President:
He'll use a mad rage in each term,
Our roads are ruined as our residents.

Adie Pena with:
"Le grand criard sans honte audacieux
Sera esleu gouuerneur de l'armee:
La hardiesse de son contenteur
Le pont rompu, cite de pur pasmee"
Endure elected rude leader Trump
(A son is Eric; one unlaced ex is Maples)
Our unsure careers are in a dump;
On head one rug he got at Staples!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Le grand criard sans honte audacieux
Sera esleu gouuerneur de l'armee:
La hardiesse de son contenteur
Le pont rompu, cite de pur pasmee
Deranged Caesar Donald Trump re-engineers pure crime and echoes odorous lies as a cue to pullulate extreme pure hatred unseen in USA

Ellie with:
"Le grand criard sans honte audacieux
Sera esleu gouuerneur de l'armee:
La hardiesse de son contenteur
Le pont rompu, cite de pur pasmee"
A learned theme here, reader, seemed
designed to perplex us: Pretentious,
sure ... or is it an unscrupulous clue,
around a concealed anagram?

Tony Crafter with:
"Le grand criard sans honte audacieux
Sera esleu gouuerneur de l'armee:
La hardiesse de son contenteur
Le pont rompu, cite de pur pasmee"


"I see an unusual occurrence. Aliens appear here expecting to redeem us muddled Earthlings, see our real nature and report us as doomed."

db with:
"Le grand criard sans honte audacieux
Sera esleu gouuerneur de l'armee:
La hardiesse de son contenteur
Le pont rompu, cite de pur pasmee"
America's demon ruler - a dunderhead,
a purple-complexioned creature
in a ludicrous orange toupée
...he guaranteed utter senselessness!

Snafu I'll Jot with:
"Le grand criard sans honte audacieux
Sera esleu gouuerneur de l'armee:
La hardiesse de son contenteur
Le pont rompu, cite de pur pasmee"
So eerie! Seer Nostradamus predicted an unusual, unorthodox President Trump. US endure an alleged lecher, a creep, a rogue, a menace, lies.

HSP with:
"Le grand criard sans honte audacieux
Sera esleu gouuerneur de l'armee:
La hardiesse de son contenteur
Le pont rompu, cite de pur pasmee"
Round up the usual terror suspects
(Mexican and colored people, he directs);
Meet Eurasian enemies. Unreal!
Reason - agree unguarded deal.

Dharam with:
"Le grand criard sans honte audacieux
Sera esleu gouuerneur de l'armee:
La hardiesse de son contenteur
Le pont rompu, cite de pur pasmee"
Nostradamus lured and perplexed us
Recorded ideas in a menu to peruse
Either per nuance to challenge us
Or eerie anagram clues to use

THE LONG CATEGORY [7 nominations]

Ellie with:

Firstly, clean the toilet. Add the required amount of suitable shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him carefully towards the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and then close both the lids (and you may need to stand on the lid yourself so that he cannot escape).


Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any grip they can find.


Flush the toilet twice.

Have someone open the door to the outside, and ensure that there is nobody between the toilet and the outside door.

Stand as far behind the toilet as you comfortably can, and lift both lids equally in a prompt action. Abracadabra! Your changed tomcat, Tommy, now lovely and clean, will shoot out of that toilet and happily hotfoot it outside; when he can straightaway dry himself in the open ... where too, the cat might catch some of that hot sun.

Yours sincerely


Rosie Perera with:
O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, eh?
From Nova Scotia and Ontario to Saskatchewan, Nunavut and the Northwest Territories.
And there's Ottawa with our drop-dead gorgeous Prime Minister.
A wonderful land of good and loyal dwellers, eager (and can afford) to welcome refugees.
No handgun danger, and no "fag" hatred, eh?
A true Eden, eh?

Adie Pena with:
The Best Six Andrew Lloyd Webber Musicals
1. Cats
2. Evita
3. Sunset Boulevard
4. Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
5. Jesus Christ Superstar
6. The Phantom of the Opera
1. If shabby Grizabella is chosen
2. Che meets Eva
3. Max humors the wretched Norma
4. Jacob and sons outwitted
5. Peter, Judas at the Last Supper
6. Raoul loves and protects Christine.

Tony Crafter with:
After having their tenth child, a Liverpool couple decided enough was enough as they could not afford a larger house. So the man went to the doctor and said that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor informed him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy which would duly remedy the problem although it was quite expensive.

"The cheaper alternative is to get off home, purchase a large firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold it to your ear and count to ten."

The Scouser said, "Look, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but even I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can held against my ear is going to sort things out."

"Yes, it does seem far-fetched, but trust me, it will work," said the GP.

So the man immediately dashed off home, bought a large banger, lit it and put it in a beer can. Then he held the can next to his ear and began to count: "One, two, three, four, five..." at which point he paused and put the can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, Manchester, Essex and anywhere in Wales.


A Scots Guardsman attired in full dress uniform went marching into a chemist's shop.

At the counter, he lifted his sporran, eased out a neatly folded cotton bandana and carefully unravelled it to reveal a little, square handkerchief, which he unwrapped to reveal a saggy condom with a number of patches on it.

"Good grief," said the chemist, tentatively eyeing the gruesome exhibit.

"I won't haggle wi' ye over this," grunted the Scotsman; "but, how much will it cost ta repair it?"

"Er... sixteen pence," replied the bewildered chemist.

"How much is it ta buy a new one?"

"Twenty-one pence."

Without another word, the Guardsman carefully refolded the condom into the handkerchief and the cotton bandana, put it back under his sporran then turned and, looking resolutely ahead, marched out through the exit.

A minute or two later, the chemist heard a big shout of "Och aye!" erupt outside the shop, followed by a rousing, even bigger shout of "Hoorah!!"

The door opened and the Scotsman strode into the shop again, this time with a big, wide grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he said...

"We'll have a new one!"

Snafu with:
A List of Seven Natural Wonders
1. The Iguacu Falls
2. Halong Bay
3. Jeju Island
4. The Puerto Princesa Underground River National Park
5. Table Mountain
6. Komodo Island
7. The Amazon Rainforest

Portend a hefty thrill
1. Brazil-Argentina border
2. Vietnam, offshore
3. aka Jejudo, S. Korea
4. Saint Paul Mountain Range tunnels
5. Cape Town
6. Unusual old dragons live on island
7. South America

Snafu I'll Jot with:
Forbes Magazine's Top Four of the Highest Paid Male Actors
1. Dwayne Douglas Johnson
2. Jackie 'Sing Lung' Chan
3. Matt Paige Damon
4. Tom Cruise Mapother IV
1. MVP - 'The Rock', huge muscled demigod
2. Martial artist, comedian, jester (haha)
3. Jason Bourne
4. 'Top Gun' whiz. Man is a fan of Scientology (gag). A poof?

HSP with:
Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon) has it all. She's the president of her sorority, a Hawaiian Tropic girl, Miss June in her campus calendar, and, above all, a natural blonde. She dates the cutest fraternity boy on campus and wants nothing more than to be Mrs. Warner Huntington III. But, there's just one thing stopping Warner (Matthew Davis) from popping the question: Elle is too blonde.
Movie nets a nine

Misogynist law profession and gender stereotyping from American teens and that quite brilliant bit when our heroine sells that bend and snap routine.

Light hearted with an obvious plot?
No surprises perhaps, but so what?!
Get some popcorn; enjoy the show.
Crass prejudice all from a beau...
Hair colour shan't dim her wit;
Neat legal talents and he's not worth it!

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY [5 nominations]

db with:
The BBC's list of the one-hundred greatest Britons:

1: Sir Winston Churchill
2: Isambard Kingdom Brunel
3: Diana, Princess of Wales
4: Charles Darwin
5: William Shakespeare
6: Sir Isaac Newton
7: Elizabeth I
8: John Lennon
9: Horatio Nelson
10: Oliver Cromwell
11: Sir Ernest Shackleton
12: Captain James Cook
13: Robert Baden-Powell
14: Alfred the Great
15: Arthur Wellesley
16: Margaret Thatcher
17: Michael Crawford
18: Queen Victoria
19: Sir Paul McCartney
20: Sir Alexander Fleming
21: Alan Turing
22: Michael Faraday
23: Owain Glyndwr
24: Elizabeth II
25: Stephen Hawking
26: William Tyndale
27: Emmeline Pankhurst
28: William Wilberforce
29: David Bowie
30: Guy Fawkes
31: Leonard Cheshire
32: Eric Morecambe
33: David Beckham
34: Thomas Paine
35: Boudica
36: Sir Steve Redgrave
37: Sir Thomas More
38: William Blake
39: John Harrison
40: Henry VIII
41: Charles Dickens
42: Sir Frank Whittle
43: John Peel
44: John Logie Baird
45: Aneurin Bevan
46: Boy George
47: Sir Douglas Bader
48: Sir William Wallace
49: Sir Francis Drake
50: John Wesley
51: King Arthur
52: Florence Nightingale
53: Thomas Edward Lawrence
54: Robert Falcon Scott
55: Enoch Powell
56: Sir Cliff Richard
57: Alexander Graham Bell
58: Freddie Mercury
59: Dame Julie Andrews
60: Sir Edward Elgar
61: Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother
62: George Harrison
63: Sir David Attenborough
64: James Connolly
65: George Stephenson
66: Sir Charlie Chaplin
67: Tony Blair
68: William Caxton
69: Bobby Moore
70: Jane Austen
71: William Booth
72: Henry V
73: Aleister Crowley
74: Robert the Bruce
75: Bob Geldof
76: The Unknown Warrior
77: Robbie Williams
78: Edward Jenner
79: David Lloyd George
80: Charles Babbage
81: Geoffrey Chaucer
82: Richard III
83: J. K. Rowling
84: James Watt
85: Sir Richard Branson
86: Bono
87: Johnny Rotten (Lydon)
88: Bernard Law Montgomery
89: Donald Campbell
90: Henry II
91: James Clerk Maxwell
92: J. R. R. Tolkien
93: Sir Walter Raleigh
94: Edward I
95: Sir Barnes Wallis
96: Richard Burton
97: Tony Benn
98: David Livingstone
99: Sir Tim Berners-Lee
100: Marie Stopes


1: A major leader - "Jaw-jaw, not war-war!".
2: Bridge builder.
3: 'Wham!' fan.
4: Evolution chronicler.
5: Bard.
6: Gravity discoverer.
7: Red-headed England queen.
8: Jaded scouse wag.
9: On a London column.
10: Disliked in Ireland.
11: Antarctic explorer.
12: Renowned seafarer.
13: Scout leader.
14: Cake burner.
15: He invented waterproof boots.
16: Harsh, horrible milk-snatcher...she fell.
17: "Ooh, Betty!"
18: HRH Mrs Brown.
19: Jolly-amazing electric bassman.
20: Penicillin.
21: Numerate gay.
22: Magnetic brilliance!
23: Major Welsh rebel.
24: Her Majesty, ER.
25: Regarded physicist.
26: Bible translator.
27: Redefined wimmin's rights.
28: Anti-slavery.
29: Jean Genie.
30: Westminster fireworks.
31: War aviator.
32: Eric Bartholomew, comedian.
33: Some shrill former singer's low-I.Q. husband.
34: Age Of Reason.
35: Farewell, Romans!
36: Rower.
37: Utopian.
38: Jerusalem.
39: Clockmaker.
40: King.
41: Writer.
42: Jet engine.
43: D.J.
44: Telly.
45: Welsh NHS enabler.
46: Karma Chameleon.
47: Legless hero, Second World War prisoner.
48: Highland warrior, Braveheart...hanged, drawn, quartered.
49: Hello, sailor!
50: Methodist.
51: Round Table monarch.
52: Nurse.
53: He wandered Arabia.
54: South Pole.
55: 'Rivers of Blood' racial hell.
56: Shadowy bachelor boy.
57: Phone maker.
58: Majestic singer.
59: Sound of drab music.
60: Classical Enigma Variations.
61: Gin-guzzling granny.
62: Hare Krishna Beatle.
63: Life On Earth.
64: Marxist.
65: Rocket.
66: In a bowler hat.
67: Diabolical war criminal, liar. Jail him!
68: Printer.
69: West Ham hero.
70: Writer.
71: "Sally Army" benevolence.
72: King.
73: Occult scholar.
74: Baffling wordy jock.
75: Dishevelled rambling Irish gobshite.
76: Who is he?
77: Take That wally.
78: Smallpox.
79: Liberal.
80: Difference Engine.
81: Canterbury Tales.
82: King.
83: Harry Potter lady.
84: Steam engine.
85: Shrewd, beardy billionaire.
86: Paul Hewson, pontificating Irish bore.
87: Sex Pistol.
88: Alamein.
89: Bluebird.
90: King.
91: Radiation.
92: Hobbit writer.
93: Invented the bicycle.
94: King.
95: Bomb-bouncer.
96: Warm, rich Welsh voice.
97: Radical lefty.
98: Nile.
99: His brainchild: World Wide Web.
100: Jenny clinic.

Paul Pan with:
Le Corbeau et le Renard
(Jean de La Fontaine)

Maître Corbeau, sur un arbre perché,
Tenait en son bec un fromage.
Maître Renard, par l'odeur alléché,
Lui tint à peu près ce langage :
"Hé ! bonjour, Monsieur du Corbeau.
Que vous etes joli ! que vous me semblez beau !
Sans mentir, si votre ramage
Se rapporte à votre plumage,
Vous êtes le Phénix des hôtes de ces bois."
A ces mots le Corbeau ne se sent pas de joie ;
Et pour montrer sa belle voix,
Il ouvre un large bec, laisse tomber sa proie.
Le Renard s'en saisit, et dit : "Mon bon Monsieur,
Apprenez que tout flatteur
Vit aux dépens de celui qui l'écoute :
Cette leçon vaut bien un fromage, sans doute. "
Le Corbeau, honteux et confus,
Jura, mais un peu tard, qu'on ne l'y prendrait plus.


Master Raven sat on a tree
Biting a morsel of brie.

A surreptitious Fox,
Enticed by an irrepressible odour,
Coaxes, unscrupulous:

"Salutations noble esquire,
Voluptuous pompadour plumage,
Statuesque appearance so Agile;
A veritable emperor phoenix!
Sing an elegant tune,
Be a sublime crooner, unique Raven
Reveal one satin baritone voice!”

Enticed, Raven ejects precious cheese
Out upon auburn flatterer
And ejaculates an eerie, queer, tortuous screech.

The ravenous (pun not intended!) fox
Embezzles and gobbles food,
Mutters "Amen!"

"Remember unpleasant animal,"
he jeered,
"Untrue cajolements
Loot credulous imbecile dupes evermore.

"Gee, I erred,"
Ululated the jested squab,
"Mea culpa!"

HSP with:
The Dog by Ogden Nash

The truth I do not stretch or shove
When I state that the dog is full of love.

I've also found, by actual test,
A wet dog is the lovingest.
Dog nose voodoo:

Send fast to vital velvet trews,
That ditchful got in shaggy hair.
Let it not get on blue suede shoes,
That which they felt bound to share.

Tony Crafter with:
John Milton Hayes

There's a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Khatmandu,
There's a little marble cross below the town;
There's a broken-hearted woman tends the grave of Mad Carew,
And the Yellow God forever gazes down.

He was known as "Mad Carew" by the subs at Khatmandu,
He was hotter than they felt inclined to tell;
But for all his foolish pranks, he was worshipped in the ranks,
And the Colonel's daughter smiled on him as well.

He had loved her all along, with a passion of the strong,
The fact that she loved him was plain to all.
She was nearly twenty-one and arrangements had begun
To celebrate her birthday with a ball.

He wrote to ask what present she would like from Mad Carew;
They met next day as he dismissed a squad;
And jestingly she told him then that nothing else would do
But the green eye of the little Yellow God.

On the night before the dance, Mad Carew seemed in a trance,
And they chaffed him as they puffed at their cigars:
But for once he failed to smile, and he sat alone awhile,
Then went out into the night beneath the stars.

He returned before the dawn, with his shirt and tunic torn,
And a gash across his temple dripping red;
He was patched up right away, and he slept through all the day,
And the Colonel's daughter watched beside his bed.

He woke at last and asked if they could send his tunic through;
She brought it, and he thanked her with a nod;
He bade her search the pocket saying "That's from Mad Carew,"
And she found the little green eye of the god.

She upbraided poor Carew in the way that women do,
Though both her eyes were strangely hot and wet;
But she wouldn't take the stone and Mad Carew was left alone
With the jewel that he'd chanced his life to get.

When the ball was at its height, on that still and tropic night,
She thought of him and hurried to his room;
As she crossed the barrack square she could hear the dreamy air
Of a waltz tune softly stealing thro' the gloom.

His door was open wide, with silver moonlight shining through;
The place was wet and slipp'ry where she trod;
An ugly knife lay buried in the heart of Mad Carew,
'Twas the "Vengeance of the Little Yellow God."

There's a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Khatmandu,
There's a little marble cross below the town;
There's a broken-hearted woman tends the grave of Mad Carew,
And the Yellow God forever gazes down.



Anna Trew was forty-seven with a quite extensive girth,
And each night she'd trawl the net to find a date,
But because she was so bothered about other's looks and birth,
She had not yet come to find a perfect mate.

The photo that she posted on the screen was not her own,
And she fibbed about her age by many years,
She lied that she was blonde and that she was twenty-one
And her vibrant breasts could bring a man to tears.

One day when she was trawling, questing for the perfect match,
She found a hunk called Trent who came from Peckham,
From his topless photo, whew! he looked like the perfect catch!
And to crown it all, he grinned like David Beckham.

She started up an online chat to get to know Trent more,
They hit it off like they'd been friends for years,
He said he loved her photo and he'd really like to meet,
That's when her lovelorn heart welled up with tears.

How could she meet that handsome gent,
that toned and trendy god,
When she was, well, a dumpy Susan Boyle?
In truth they were no match at all, nor 'two peas in a pod',
He'd see her and then straight away recoil.

Yet part of her would not let go, although she felt she should,
The need to meet Trent overrode her doubt.
Her head was in a tizzy as she told Trent that she would,
They made a date for Friday to go out.

Trent told her that he'd pick her up, he'd be there in a Jag,
And ring once on her bell at half-past eight.
As she logged off from the web, Anna sighed and lit a fag,
And wryly cursed her age and size and weight.

Oh hell, oh hell, what would she do? Her head was in a whirl;
Today was Wednesday, that left two more days.
Well, she'd get her hair dyed blonde, with some pretty, wavy curls,
And do her best to hide the weight some way.

But when Friday came she told herself, 'I can't go through with this,
'The whole thing's just a whopping great big con,
When he calls I'll say 'my daughter' was his online-chatting Miss,
But she's working late and I am Nell, her Mom.'

Half-eight that night the doorbell rang, her heart beat like a drum.
A man her age and weight stood there and said,
"I called to say that my son Trent's not well and cannot come,
"Wow, but you seem nice, shall we go out instead?"

She saw an old three-wheeler car, there in the road outside,
The weight fell off her shoulders like a cloak,
Well what a joke, he was like her, for he himself had lied!
"Hell, let's go!" she cried, "Hang on, I'll get my coat."

Adie Pena with:
by Shel Silverstein

I asked for a hot dog
With everything on it,
And that was my big mistake,
‘Cause it came with a parrot,
A bee in a bonnet,
A wristwatch, a wrench, and a rake.
It came with a goldfish,
A flag, and a fiddle,
A frog, and a front porch swing,
And a mouse in a mask —
That’s the last time I ask
For a hot dog with everything.



Whiffing preservatives;
Gorging on nitrate.
I'd paddywhack this bummer.
Favorite habit somewhat:
Watching a fat kid's weight.
We eat seven billion a summer!
What a die-hard tradition,
He has damage anyway!
Don't ask if it's healthy.
"Afraid to get colorectal cancer?"
That's a frank answer,
So abstaining is the key!

THE RUDE CATEGORY [6 nominations]

Christopher Sturdy with:
You had best prepare yourself for rather a shock
H.H. The Pope - a rosy-arsed altar boy fucker for sure.

Adie Pena with:
The dirty old man =
My tilted hard-on.

Tom Myers with:
Come an' do us ~
use a condom.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Man having a retrograde emission =
He means to orgasm in drier vagina

Tony Crafter with:
Steam-cleaner =
Rectal enemas!

Snafu I'll Jot with:
Is that Anthony Scaramucci? =
Oh, a nasty charismatic cunt!

Count of Nominations by Author

= Nom in all categories (not counting Rude & Unspecified)

Adie Pena  13(gen, ent, top 3, ppl 2, oth, med, lng, spc, awc, rud)
Snafu Ill Jot  12(top 2, ppl 2, med 5, lng, awc, rud)
Tony Crafter  11(gen, ent, top, ppl 2, oth, med, lng, spc, awc, rud)
Rosie Perera  10(gen 2, top 5, oth, lng, awc)
HSP  9(gen, ent, top, ppl, oth, med, lng, spc, awc)
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons  8(gen, ent, top, ppl, oth, med, awc, rud)
Dharam  8(gen 3, top, med, awc 3)
Ellie  7(gen 2, ent, ppl, med, lng, awc)
db  5(gen 2, oth, spc, awc)
View  3(gen, top, ppl)
Josiah Winslow  3(gen, top, awc)
Tom Myers  3(gen 2, rud)
dk  2(gen 2)
Mark Huffman  1(med)
Christopher Sturdy  1(rud)
Scott G  1(gen)
nedesto  1(top)
John Fidler  1(ppl)
Paul Pan  1(spc)
Snafu  1(lng)
George Sicherman  1(ent)
Christopher Davis  1(top)
Ethan  1(oth)

The Anagrammy Awards