Current Nominations for August, 2017 [149]

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY [21 nominations]

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Time is a great healer =
Harm? I let age erase it!

Adie Pena with:
Spoiler alert, ~
i.e., reports all.

Rick Rothstein with:
Spoiler alert =
Plot realiser?

Christopher Sturdy with:
Sleeping with the enemy =
I spy when men get 'the lie'.

Ellie Dent with:
The opioids =
Oh, it is dope!

Tom Myers with:
Gender studies =
I get undressed

Tom Myers with:
All-hour life suggested ~
the use of illegal drugs.

Tyler Severance with:
Launch error or ~
nuclear horror!

Rosie Perera with:
Feral cats ~
cart fleas.

Richard S with:
Noisy Saturday fades, ~
Sunday is a day of rest

Tom Myers with:
The stinking rich ‡
In Christ, the King.

Julian Lofts with:
Gormandised ~
dried mangos.

View with:
Englander =
Green land.

Tony Crafter with:
The shameless Tony and Cherie Blair =
He is not real and she's merely a bitch.

Rosie Perera with:
Nuclear fallout shelter =
Full-on threat; all secure.

Josiah Winslow with:
A child's story of ~
first school day.

Rosie Perera with:
The institutional racism =
I recoil at this mutant sin.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Here is a list of five items that are invisible:
Verifiable set:
1. air
2. time
3. faith
4. ethos
5. evil sins

Rosie Perera with:
Agents provocateurs ~
turn over scapegoats.

View with:
The disease "Parkinson's" =
Shakes, tension, despair!

John Ramos with:
Rain follows the plow =
Hopes wilt or fall now.


David Bourke with:
Full Frontal with Samantha Bee =
What! No muff in here at all? Blast!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Full Frontal With Samantha Bee =
All that amoral news, in the buff

Adie Pena with:
Charlize Theron in "Atomic Blonde" =
Mobilize the character in London.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Sunday Newspaper's Comics Section =
We can discuss so many perceptions!

Adie Pena with:
Edgar Allan Poe's poem "The Raven" =
A long death appeals—nevermore!

Ellie Dent with:
Tomorrow Never Dies featuring Pierce Brosnan =
Fair women, guns, ever in Bond actor's repertoire.

Rosie Perera with:
O, why does Trump fib, as he cites ~
"both sides" of white supremacy?

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens =
Best child slave workers in city

Ellie Dent with:
Bruce Forsyth has died =
But cherished for days...

Ellie Dent with:
Monet's Water Lilies =
Smile, as ne'er to wilt!

Scott Gardner with:
The painter Edouard Manet =
He made neat nude portrait.

Rosie Perera with:
The clarinet glissando that starts "Rhapsody in Blue" =
A bar's sliding note that stretches up tonally is hard.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe =
I see Arthur Dent sent to that far venue, eh.

Ellie Dent with:
'Tomorrow Never Dies' featuring Pierce Brosnan =
A stirring Bond? No, we picture Sean forevermore.

Tony Crafter with:
The Lionel Richie hit: 'Easy Like Sunday Morning' =
I mean, I sure like reclining on this, the Holy day.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY [41 nominations]

Rick Rothstein with:
Donald Trump's tweets =
Put-downs startled me.

Dharam Khalsa with:
In August, the sun will completely disappear in the US =
Then, we applaud a mysterious eclipse until sunlight.

Josiah Winslow with:
President of the United States of America ~
made up anti-stories to redefine the facts.

Rosie Perera with:
Transgender soldiers =
Alter groin; send dress!

Tony Crafter with:
UN is set to impose new sanctions on North Korea ~
as union aims to stop their rocket nonsense, now!

View with:
America goes wild =
Weird social game.

Ellie Dent with:
USA and North Korea crisis =
An act is a horrendous risk

Adie Pena with:
Guam, a U.S. territory in the western Pacific Ocean =
Fact: You see Trump actions are inciting war here.

Rosie Perera with:
The total solar eclipse =
Call other pals to see it.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Locked and loaded" =
Don led a deadlock.

Julian Lofts with:
What most people dislike is a true Mexican standoff =
Deep howls as toxic Trump fails to defeat insane Kim.

Ellie Dent with:
Violent racist hell ~
in Charlottesville.

Josiah Winslow with:
The total solar eclipse =
Celestial photos later!

Josiah Winslow with:
The total solar eclipse =
Clear satellite photos.

Scott Gardner with:
The total solar eclipse =
I select a stellar photo.

Josiah Winslow with:
The total solar eclipse =
Oh, I'll start a telescope!

Julian Lofts with:
The edible insect burger =
Nice grub, this red beetle.

David Bourke with:
Taylor Alison Swift's arse =
All say it is now a fortress!

Scott Gardner with:
Charlottesville =
Trolls teach evil.

Scott Gardner with:
Charlottesville, Virginia, USA =
Evil rages hurt civilians a lot.

Rosie Perera with:
Trump retweets an “alt-right” conspiracy theorist, ~
settling on that terrorist white supremacy crap.

Rosie Perera with:
Confederate monuments =
Rotten scum need no fame.

Scott Gardner with:
Presidency of the United States of America =
Duty of Senate to impeach, fire dense racist.

Rick Rothstein with:
The white supremacists' movement ~
sees most achievement with Trump.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The white supremacist movement =
Meetup march with tense motives.

Christopher Davis with:
Destroy semblance of ~
Confederate symbols.

Julian Lofts with:
The attack in Las Ramblas in Barcelona, Spain =
Splat! Insane Arab men kill. Abhor satanic act.

View with:
Las Ramblas, Barcelona =
All blame's on Arab's car.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Massive manhunt for Spain attacker =
A task - must imprison craven hate fan.

Rosie Perera with:
Neo-Confederates ~
are no decent foes.

Julian Lofts with:
The rise and fall of Steve Bannon =
Rant banned. He's offensive to all.

Scott Gardner with:
Chief Strategist =
Fascist git there.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
He-man crazies support ~
Trump's Arizona speech

David Bourke with:
The American president =
Pre-eminent head racist.

Rosie Perera with:
Trump pardons controversial sheriff Joe Arpaio =
Ah, no major surprise I drop patron's trial. Covfefe!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Washington Post motto: "Democracy Dies in Darkness" =
Wording may come as a shock to Don's president stint.

John Ramos with:
Hurricane Harvey =
Heavy air churner.

Rosie Perera with:
Melania wears "storm stilettos" to visit Houston =
"As I strut in moist tall shoes to move into waters."

Dharam Khalsa with:
Venomous fire ant colonies in Houston =
Oh no! Onerous mountain of evil insects.

Adie Pena with:
Houston =
Oh! Not us!

John Ramos with:
Hurricane Harvey =
Evac her in a hurry.


Scott Gardner with:
USA President =
Sure inept. SAD!

View with:
President Hassan Rouhani =
Persian nation's rude shah

Julian Lofts with:
The singer Sinead Marie Bernadette O'Connor =
An obscene or tormented anti-Irish renegade.

Tony Crafter with:
Sinead Marie Bernadette O'Connor =
Been to see a doctor in inner drama.

Adie Pena with:
The North Korea president Kim Jong-un =
I think the jerk soon angered Trump, no?

Scott Gardner with:
Supreme leader Kim Jong-Un =
Jerk U.S. men in Guam deplore.

Ellie Dent with:
Samuel Taylor Coleridge =
Salute Rime: clearly good!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Thomas Gainsborough =
Big honor as a mugshot

Adie Pena with:
America's President Trump =
I'm supremacist-partnered.

Christopher Sturdy with:
White supremacist politician, David Ernest Duke =
A nutcase had idiotic views like President Trump.

Josiah Winslow with:
Donald Trump, President of America =
Mild drama in Confederate support.

Christopher Sturdy with:
White supremacist politician, David Ernest Duke =
Idiotic nutcase has a view President Trump liked.

Scott Gardner with:
Secretary Mnuchin ~
is the currency man.

Scott Gardner with:
Louise Linton ~
is lout online.

Scott Gardner with:
Steve Terner Mnuchin =
Enrichment ventures.

David Bourke with:
The American general, Robert Edward Lee =
The race war ringleader...not redeemable.

Dharam Khalsa with:

David Bourke with:
Floyd Sinclair Mayweather =
Women hysterically afraid.


Christopher Sturdy with:
The First World War Poetry Digital Archive

A writer privy to a fight will record deaths.

Ellie Dent with:
Georgia Institute of Technology =
I get to teach guys online ... go for it!

View with:
Michelin auto tires =
Use it in the limo car

Josiah Winslow with:
Little clash over ~

Adie Pena with:
Guam: A U.S. territory in the western Pacific Ocean =
Fact: You see Trump actions are inciting war here.

Adie Pena with:
Charlottesville, Virginia =
This revolting racial evil!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Republic of Ireland =
Leprechaun orbit field

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Republic of Ireland =
Leprechaun orbit field.

Rosie Perera with:
The Daily Stormer =
My role: it's hatred.

Tony Crafter with:
The Democratic People's Republic of (North) Korea =
Home of a pot-bellied, super-hero, crackpot cretin.

Rosie Perera with:
Am a crazy inept hater in ~
the American Nazi Party.

Julian Lofts with:
Bar bitter ~

Scott Gardner with:
Uber Technologies, Incorporated =
Girl to use phone to order nice cab.

View with:
The "Burning Man" festivities =
Must invest in a big fire then.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Sheraton Cadwell Orchestras =
Let her chew carrots on salads

Scott Gardner with:
Great Indian Rhinoceros =
I carried giant nose horn.


Julian Lofts with:
The drug cheat Justin Gatlin has beaten the favourite Usain Bolt in the London World champs =
That USA chap battled booing, ran an eventful race on helium, just hit his stride, then won gold.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it" =
Tempted to do an Ottoman Empire? Then, research the obscene war!

Adie Pena with:
"In a nuclear war, all men are cremated equal" Dexter Keith Gordon =
We'll conquer a great area; exterminate all recorded humankind!

Ellie Dent with:
Language can be darn powerful, colorful too, but it has pitfalls.
How come if you say, 'You're a peach,' why is that
but, 'Ooh my, you're bananas,' ugly?? Why such a complete gaffe?
Why allow such discrimination of fruit to tear local people apart?

Christopher Sturdy with:
Donald Trump is President and Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America
Demented, capricious, racist, unfit, horrid, inept madman offends me.
He's a total ned!

Tony Crafter with:
1. Skin rashes
1. Abdominal pain
3. Backache
4. Earache
5. Neck or arm pain or trauma
6. Nausea, vomiting
1. Common hives?
2. Hmm... trapped gas?
3. A knackered spine axis.
4. An aural pain
5. A heart attack? No, it's more a...
6. ...chronic bilious imbalance

Ellie Dent with:
You are shut in this secluded, windowless, unlovely hut with the following room-mates: a tiger, a cobra and a lawyer.
You've a single gun, with two bullets. So what should you do? Remain calm, raise rifle and shoot the darn lawyer. Twice.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Donald Trump, President of the United States of America =
Nuthead in sad temper to add potent fuel to racism's fire


Ellie Dent with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
Artist Vivienne's schizophrenic behaviour, and ability to act excitedly, badly, was exasperating; yet she was no match for sensitive Ben, when he easily interpreted her weird dreams of hell, later in therapy.

Christopher Sturdy with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
A lady with expensively inspired hair attended a citizenship interview, while her boyfriend sat in a Vauxhall Astra easing nerves with chocolate bars bent Persistence of Memory style by the record heat.

David Bourke with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
Once upon a time existed a partisan British Nazi party, the Conservatives, who were briefly led by Theresa May. Exceedingly-rich, selfish, anti-liberal capitalists, they were overthrown, and vanished. The end.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
Hit narrative? I'll try with this:

"Call me Ishmael..." Arty, expressive!
"He was an inch, perhaps two, under six feet..." Descriptive size!
"To be born again..." Reincarnated? Fishy!
"There was a boy called..." Tidy!

No, they've been done.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
As everybody has heard, it is hardly a secret when the answer behind time and birth is exactly forty-two (no less.) Disappearance? Whatever. This experiment of intelligent civilization has been very peculiar!

Rosie Perera with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
I say, if that bizarre, insanely rash, vain Trump ever discovers how to be a fine president, and bans his entire horrid exceedingly white cabinet... Aye, well, I expect that that will never come to pass, eh? Yes, hardly.

Josiah Winslow with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
I'll stress a crazy view in my head:
life's similar to a story,
where if I expect a change by the next day,
whether I stress, be shoved, or procrastinate, I can win.

I'll need to have nerve, be uninhibited, and play the part.

Adie Pena with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
That rich circle everywhere he went. Or was that a civilization forewarned? "This is The Donald." He hints, "Big, sexy ¯ I'll be President one day." The barbarian fondles my pussy. An expensive tie rarely captivates me.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
The physical therapist was a sinewy vision, impeccably dressed in sensible active runner's attire, and breathed all the oxygen in the room; however, I felt revitalized by now - fierce, rather than asphyxiated.

Tony Crafter with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
As vicar, Victor Pindor, watered his raspberry plant, he sensed a tremor way beneath his feet.

He shivered, seized by an inexplicable anxiety.

Then something intrinsically evil clawed its way out of the earth...

David Bourke with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
"Dashing, eh what?" exclaimed Tony, as he strained at his reflection in each retail window. "Impressive for seventy-one! I bet I drive all the pretty tail crazy!" - "What rubbish!" replied a nearby honey. "Specsavers! Next!"

David Bourke with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
"Aha! A very easy hundred-and-sixty-seven point win!" said Chris the Scrabble bore, with a crafty smile. "The Z, each way, on a triple letter...then, relish my seven-letter finish, "EXPIATE", on a triple word. A decisive Bingo!"

Ellie Dent with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
'The answer's Forty Two!' Max cried. He was exceptional, a whiz, invariably right in class. Yet very restive. There seemed to be hatred present behind his brilliance. A vicious trait. Then finally, one day, he snapped...

Dharam Khalsa with:
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable."
Evelyn's bicycle expedition to Schweitzer Mountain was hellish. She fell into the ravine, was extricated and airlifted by the brave Brian in his chopper. The marriage was yesterday - a heart's destiny proven!

THE LONG CATEGORY [6 nominations]

Ellie Dent with:
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marvels at the proprietor's quick wit
and his superior intelligence.

'Tell me, Mr Green, what makes you so fiendishly smart?' he asks.

'I would not share my secret with just anyone,' Green replies, speaking softly
so that others in the shop won't hear him. 'But since you are a friend and
such a good customer, I will let you in on the great secret. Fish heads. You
just have to eat enough of these beauties and you will then speedily find you
become positively brilliant.'

'Great! And you sell these fish heads here?' the customer asks, excitedly.


'Just five dollars,' says Mr Green.

The customer buys three. A week later he's back, complaining the fish heads
were simply quite disgusting, and he is no smarter. 'Oh, you didn't eat enough,'
says Green. The customer goes home with eighteen more. Two weeks later, he is
back, and this time suspicious and distinctly put out, vitriolic.

'Hey, Green,' he says, 'You're a joke! An opportunist! Selling all these little
heads for five dollars each, when I can buy the whole fish for three. Man, that
is not only corrupt, deceitful ... you're out to exploit me!!'

'See, son?' says Green. 'You're smarter already.'

Tony Crafter with:
Three McDonald's executives were captured by natives in an Amazon rainforest and taken to their chief.

"You very bad men!" said the chief, "destroy our forests. You will be punished."

The men looked at each other nervously.

"You!" said the chief, pointing at the first man. "I let you choose. Death... or bum-bum!"

"I don't wanna die!" whined the quaking man. "I don't know what bum-bum is, but I'll have it!"

With that, ten of the largest, most strapping warriors seized the man, threw him over a log and rogered him relentlessly for half-an-hour until he was just a bloodied wreck, then dragged him away.

The chief looked at the second man and announced: 'I give same choices. Death or bum-bum!"

"What you did to Trent Wiggs was just horrifying," gasped the distressed man, "but... I don't wanna die. I'll take bum-bum."

Twenty eager warriors grabbed the man, threw him over the log, and rogered him in the same appalling manner for over an hour, leaving him in an even worse state than his colleague.

The chief turned to the last CEO, who was the most senior of the three, and before he could speak, the man yelled defiantly, "I will not suffer the same outrages as those two. Death before dishonour! I choose death!"

At that, a great cheer went up from the tribe as they all roared: "Hooray! Death by bum-bum!"

A man, a pig and a dog were the sole survivors of a bad shipwreck.

They found themselves marooned on a desert island where they soon developed a routine of sitting on the beach each night to watch the sunset.

On one balmy evening, the sky was red, with fine, wispy clouds and a warm breeze - the perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the pig began to look more and more desirable to the man.

After a time, he leaned over and put his arm around the animal. The dog immediately became jealous and growled menacingly, so the man removed his arm. After that, the chummy trio continued to watch their sunset but with no more cuddling.

Three months later, there was a further shipwreck in the area. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in quite a bad state when washed ashore, but he'd tenderly nursed her back to health until she was able to join the mixed trio of buddies on the beach for their sunset ritual.

It was a beautiful night - the red sky, high, wispy clouds, balmy breeze; a night made for romance.

After a bit, the man felt his ardour begin to stir. He tried so hard to fight it but he could contain himself no longer. So he moved over to the beautiful young woman and whispered timidly in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Christopher Sturdy with:
The Miser

A MISER sold all that he had and bought a lump of gold, which he buried in a hole in the ground by the side of an old wall and went to look at daily. One of his workmen observed his frequent visits to the spot and decided to watch his movements. He soon discovered the secret of the hidden treasure, and digging down, came to the lump of gold, and stole it. The Miser, on his next visit, found the hole empty and began to tear his hair and to make loud lamentations.
A neighbor, seeing him overcome with grief and learning the cause, said, "Pray do not grieve so; but go and take a stone, and place it in the hole, and fancy that the gold is still lying there. It will do you quite the same service; for when the gold was there, you had it not, as you did not make the slightest use of it."
I don't seek God and hate dogma and yet do admit this Aesop fable has a lot in common with a bible teaching - see Timothy, chapter six, verse ten.

"For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows."
(something, which is incidentally often misquoted)

Heed the moral; I don't think it's all about greed.
I thought it also taught us hogging a valued item and keeping it out of circulation is selfish and destructive.
Ask Gollum and The Donald. Ask the tories and their adherents, who buy London houses without good intentions.

Indeed, earned wealth is only bad and morally questionable when added to the need not to share; I get the feeling spending spreads good around.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. Edgar Allan Poe
On the edge of midnight a large, terrible, unrelenting terror took over. Dear God, I'm possessed!
Warped mind felt need to grab a pen and do an anagram or die...

Julian Lofts with:
Ten of the Most Famous Fashion Designers of All Time
1. Yves St Laurent
2. Pierre Cardin
3. Tom Ford
4. Christian Dior
5. Ralph Lauren
6. Donatello Versace
7. Calvin Klein
8. Giorgio Armani
9. Donna Karan
10. Coco Chanel
1. Overopinionated Gaul
2. Gallic
3. North American
4. French
5. North American's droll
6. Gross fool, very odd fake tan, horrid lips
7. American
8. Italian
9. Token American female
10. Sensuous French diva on stilettos

David Bourke with:
The BBC's highest-paid television and radio personalities:

1. Chris Evans
2. Gary Lineker
3. Graham Norton
4. Jeremy Vine
5. John Humphrys
6. Huw Edwards
7. Steve Wright
8. Matt Baker
9. Claudia Winkleman
10. Nicky Campbell
11. Alex Jones
12. Alan Shearer
13. Andrew Marr
14. Stephen Nolan
15. Fiona Bruce
16. Derek Thompson
17. Tess Daly
18. Vanessa Feltz
19. Nick Grimshaw
20. Simon Mayo


1. Ginger jerk
2. Walkers crisp-eater
3. Overly-gay Irishman
4. Exceptional phone-in host
5. News
6. News
7. Serious Jockin' man
8. The One Show
9. Madam of 'Strictly'
10. Vain man
11. A nice Welsh bird
12. Sporting man
13. Has trademark jug ears!
14. Who? Never heard of him
15. Very talented!
16. Casualty
17. Simple blonde, very thick husband
18. A hall-sized behind
19. An embarrassment
20. A plank

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY [4 nominations]

Ellie Dent with:

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. The subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea
will enable you to lose twelve pounds in only two days.

Save on electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing
a miner's hat.

Save on gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think
you've broken down and come over to help you.

Drill a small, one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to
check that the light goes off when the door's closed. Clever, eh?

Old telephone directories make ideal address books, simply by crossing out the names and
addresses of people you don't know (or maybe even want to know).

At work, put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. And once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addiction you may switch over to much cheaper espresso.

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbors. Then annoy them by standing just outside
their window and changing channels using your identical remote control. Magic!

During rush hour, sit comfortably in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
See if they get to slow down.


Fool other car drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV
or a video remote control up to your ear, and occasionally swerving across the road.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes redden and
bulge in response, and causes them to swim in an odd, eccentric, most amusing manner.

When money comes out the ATM, shout: 'OOH, WOW! OOH LOOK! SEE, SEE, I WON! Excellent!
Third time this week!'

Dodge lousy parking tickets by discreetly leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe'
when you leave your car parked illegally.

Impatient? No time for a bath? No shower? Wrap yourself in tape and shift the loosened dirt
by quickly peeling it off in seconds.

Do not bother to pack liquid shampoo in bulky bottles which can leak in your suitcase. Do plan
ahead. Con the whole family beforehand into getting easier, 'skinhead' haircuts here, a day or
two before departure.

When motoring anywhere, always turn left. Then, if you should be lost, well, you can soon
confidently find your way back home by reversing the procedure, and always turning right.

Do fasten your shoe laces responsibly, and certainly do it indoors. Caution: NEVER in a
revolving door.

Tony Crafter with:
A Poem by Walter de la Mare

‘Is there anybody there?’ said the Traveller,
Knocking on the moonlit door;
And his horse in the silence champed the grasses
Of the forest’s ferny floor:
And a bird flew up out of the turret,
Above the Traveller’s head:
And he smote upon the door again a second time;
‘Is there anybody there?’ he said.
But no one descended to the Traveller;
No head from the leaf-fringed sill
Leaned over and looked into his grey eyes,
Where he stood perplexed and still.
But only a host of phantom listeners
That dwelt in the lone house then
Stood listening in the quiet of the moonlight
To that voice from the world of men:
Stood thronging the faint moonbeams on the dark stair,
That goes down to the empty hall,
Hearkening in an air stirred and shaken
By the lonely Traveller’s call.
And he felt in his heart their strangeness,
Their stillness answering his cry,
While his horse moved, cropping the dark turf,
’Neath the starred and leafy sky;
For he suddenly smote on the door, even
Louder, and lifted his head:—
‘Tell them I came, and no one answered,
That I kept my word,’ he said.
Never the least stir made the listeners,
Though every word he spake
Fell echoing through the shadowiness of the still house
From the one man left awake:
Ay, they heard his foot upon the stirrup,
And the sound of iron on stone,
And how the silence surged softly backward,
When the plunging hoofs were gone.


Mutton Geoff

'Er, is anyone there?' said Ted Elverton,
To the back of his wife's head.
Seven times he'd asked her what was for dinner,
(She was either deaf or dead).
Even though he was six feet behind her,
He still could not make her hear,
So he stepped two paces forward, and four feet to her rear;
'Er, is anyone there?' he asked.
No reply there came from Nannette Elverton,
As she stood at the old kitchen sink.
'Oh, what's for dinner, Nannette?' he sighed,
(Christ, her hearing truly does stink!)
No reply came forth, so on he pressed,
To only three feet behind.
'Nannette,' he stressed, 'I long for some fodder,
'And what is topmost in my mind,
'Is the thing you've prepared on the culinary front,
'That you still seem unwilling to state,'
Then another step forward he toddled,
Only two steps behind his mate;
Sort of drew a long breath, then he hollered,
'I've got this harsh pang in my gut!
'Tell me the dinner that you plan to cook,
'For my belly thinks my throat's been cut!
Still no answer at all from his old lady love,
As she cracked on fast, doing the food,
'I keep on shouting,' he sighed, 'Lord above!
'It seems that I shout in vain;
'Hello, Nannette?' he hollered, "Hello?"
'You're really quite an old pain!'
Now, level behind her, old Ted hollered right in her ear:
'I'm gaggin' to eat so, again...
'Nannette, oh gosh, tell me first -WHAT'S FOR NOSH!'
She turned, her cheeks all red and hot;
'Bangers 'n' mash, hell I've told you ten times!
'Are you soddin' deaf, Ted, or what?'

Dharam Khalsa with:
Poema VIII
(written by Pablo Neruda)

Abeja blanca zumbas --ebria de miel-- en mi alma
y te tuerces en lentas espirales de humo.

Soy el desesperado, la palabra sin ecos,
el que lo perdió todo, y el que todo lo tuvo.

Ultima amarra, cruje en ti mi ansiedad última.
En mi tierra desierta eres la última rosa.

Ah silenciosa!

Cierra tus ojos profundos. Allí aletea la noche.
Ah desnuda tu cuerpo de estatua temerosa.

Tienes ojos profundos donde la noche alea.
Frescos brazos de flor y regazo de rosa.

Se parecen tus senos a los caracoles blancos.
Ha venido a dormirse en tu vientre una mariposa de sombra.

Ah silenciosa!

He aquí la soledad de donde estás ausente.
Llueve. El viento del mar caza errantes gaviotas.

El agua anda descalza por las calles mojadas.
De aquel árbol se quejan, como enfermos, las hojas.

Abeja blanca, ausente, aún zumbas en mi alma.
Revives en el tiempo, delgada y silenciosa.

Ah silenciosa!
Poem - A Recollection
(adjusted translation)

A pale bee buzzes in my soul, overcome,
and decelerates in delirious spirals.

I am dejected, deflated, depressed.
A morose sound echoes:
I have lost all that I acquired.

A cable of a ship squeals in longing,
For a desolate land, and a Java rose.

Oh, silent one!

Let sleepless eyes adjourn.
A night moon illuminates a statue, embarrassed and nude.

Deep eyes could meet a summer evening,
But reject a fool's arms that bear jonquils, nasturtiums, and roses.

Breasts appear as molluscs.
Shade embroiders a less curvaceous belly.

Oh, silent one!

A silence prevails over your absence.
Clouds rain, ill winds commandeer quarrelsome birds.

Liquid puddles accumulate in a road.
In a tree, overloaded leaves jeer, commiserate, or complain.

A pale bee buzzes, to jar my soul.
In silence, I feel a buzz remain.

Oh, silent one!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Oscar Wilde:

Le Jardin

The lily’s withered chalice falls
Around its rod of dusty gold,
And from the beech-trees on the wold
The last wood-pigeon coos and calls.

The gaudy leonine sunflower
Hangs black and barren on its stalk,
And down the windy garden walk
The dead leaves scatter,—hour by hour.

Pale privet-petals white as milk
Are blown into a snowy mass:
The roses lie upon the grass
Like little shreds of crimson silk.


Mourning Glory Idioms

Seven years and seven more
Passed since last that beauty shone
And we are left a decade on
And then still a further four.

A bold smile that says forget-she-not
Bless'd he, who'd work on bended knee
So golden joy that all can see
Is reflected in a well-kept plot.

And who could walk past such a place
Without sorrow or kind words,
Which shall instill like soaring birds,
The still air with lordly grace?

THE RUDE CATEGORY [6 nominations]

Adie Pena with:
Just plop turd on mad ~
POTUS Donald J. Trump!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Spy on your lover =
Sly voyeur porno.

David Bourke with:
The singer Rihanna Fenty =
Her fanny is threatening!

Julian Lofts with:
Oral sex without her dentures ~
won't hurt, Sue theorised. Relax!

Tom Myers with:
Two days of shore leave =
A steady love of whores.

Tony Crafter with:
A fart is but the lonely cry of an imprisoned turd? =
No, it's only a curry-fired blast of putrid methane.

Count of Nominations by Author

= Nom in all categories (not counting Rude & Unspecified)

Rosie Perera  16(gen 4, ent 2, top 7, oth 2, awc)
Ellie Dent  15(gen, ent 4, top 2, ppl, oth, med 2, lng, spc, awc 2)
Dharam Khalsa  14(gen, ent, top 5, ppl, med, spc, awc 4)
Scott Gardner  13(ent, top 5, ppl 5, oth 2)
Christopher Sturdy  12(gen, ent, top, ppl 2, oth, med, lng 2, spc, awc, rud)
Adie Pena  12(gen, ent 2, top 2, ppl 2, oth 2, med, awc, rud)
Julian Lofts  10(gen, top 4, ppl, oth, med, lng, rud)
Tony Crafter  10(gen, ent, top, ppl, oth, med, lng, spc, awc, rud)
David Bourke  10(ent, top 2, ppl 2, lng, awc 3, rud)
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons  9(gen, ent 2, top, ppl, oth 3, med)
Josiah Winslow  8(gen, top 4, ppl, oth, awc)
View  7(gen 2, top 2, ppl, oth 2)
Tom Myers  4(gen 3, rud)
John Ramos  3(gen, top 2)
Rick Rothstein  3(gen, top 2)
Tyler Severance  1(gen)
Richard S  1(gen)
Christopher Davis  1(top)

The Anagrammy Awards