Current Nominations for October, 2017 [151]

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY [32 nominations]

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Riding off into the sunset =
Free to do finishing stunt

naturegirl with:
A show trial =
Ha! I lost war.

Julian Lofts with:
Released from prison =
Freedom! No reprisals.

Adie Pena with:
A substitute for meat =
Tofu. Same attributes.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Who kens? =
He knows!

Scott Gardner with:
Transgenderisms =
Stress men in drag.

Ellie Dent with:
Rifle ownership =
Fire peril shown.

View with:
Severe undiagnosed mental illness =
Dull senses reveal no dementia sign.

Rosie Perera with:
A product placement in the movies =
Oh, put complete adverts in cinema.

Tom Myers with:
Death often hiding ~
in the dead of night.

Tom Myers with:
Without prospects =
Swept to courtship.

Tom Myers with:
Double barrel shotgun =
Use, then burglar blood!

Rosie Perera with:
How to slay a dragon =
A long toy sword! Aha!

Tom Myers with:
The best first aid treatment =
The fattest martini, bed rest.

Tom Myers with:
Person lives after ~
self preservation.

Rosie Perera with:
Recipe videos =
I serve cod pie.

Rosie Perera with:
Free range chickens ~
ran, screeching "FEEK!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
What is a boomerang that doesn't come back? =
Ha, a brown dog beat me, "Come on, that's a stick!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Tools needed for peeling garlic cloves =
Fingernails. Solved - proceed to college!

Tom Myers with:
Spinach salads ‡
Chips and salsa.

Tom Myers with:
A gruesome discovery =
Your divorce message.

David Bourke with:
A "do not resuscitate" order =
To reassure a doctor - "End it".

Rosie Perera with:
Can predict slow day or night ~
watching colored paints dry.

Scott Gardner with:
The medical practitioners =
I treat him to dispel cancer.

Tony Crafter with:
A hard business strategy =
Buy Asset Trading shares.

Rosie Perera with:
I dressed up for Halloween as ~
a dreadful person is; how else?

John Ramos with:
Acoustic guitar ~
is a catgut curio.

Tom Myers with:
Brick and mortar retail =
At brink, creditor alarm.

Tom Myers with:
Die for a glorious cause ~
is ideal for courageous.

Julian Lofts with:
Cheap, rusty ‡

Rosie Perera with:
He's wearing a spooky costume =
"A creepy, ominous ghost?" we ask.

Meyran Kraus with:
Easily improvising a costume for Halloween =
Noisy lies, whole face's orange... voila, I'm Trump!


David Bourke with:
The singer Thomas Earl Petty =
Simply the greatest on Earth.

Adie Pena with:
"Double Fantasy," the last studio album by Lennon =
A lot soulful. But Beatle shot by man in NY. Sad end.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Amazon Original TV series: "Transparent" =
(S)he reveals amazing transition to partner.

View with:
The Song "Candle in the wind" =
Di... the End. Scan, no new light!

Tom Myers with:
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland =
Do include LSD as we enter Nirvana

Christopher Sturdy with:
American pianist, Thelonious Sphere Monk
A musician - oh, none like him past or present!

Tom Myers with:
The streaming video service Netflix =
It involves extreme rights defiance.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from 'Ghostbusters' =
Form bursts; aftermath shows melty gum on asphalt.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The film, "Hacksaw Ridge" - directed by Mel Gibson
Heroic lad faced the biggest risk - blew my mind.

Ellie Dent with:
Wheatfield With Crows, the painting by Van Gogh =
Note cawing birds' flightpath: why, how negative!

Tony Crafter with:
That gnarled rogue Keith Richards =
He rocks the lead guitar? Darn right!

Tony Crafter with:
'American Gothic' - the famous painting by Grant Wood =
Bygone farming man with a stoic daughter. A top icon.

Dharam Khalsa with:
That gnarled rogue Keith Richards =
Held in regard, he rocks that guitar!

Scott Gardner with:
Miss Dorothy Gale =
Hear my dog is lost!

Ellie Dent with:
'Ain't That A Shame': Fats Domino =
Oh man, at a sad this fan!

Rosie Perera with:
"Come on a safari with me" ~
to show me Africa, I mean.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY [28 nominations]

Ellie Dent with:
The shooting in Las Vegas =
Gave nation highest loss.

Rosie Perera with:
Las Vegas shooter Stephen Paddock =
Person packs heat, loves deaths. God!

Scott Gardner with:
USA still fears ~
assault rifles.

Ellie Dent with:
American gun laws =
Causing new alarm.

Julian Lofts with:
No breast milk soap ~
on a bloke's armpits.

Rosie Perera with:
Your lawn cacti on fire in ~
California wine country.

Rosie Perera with:
A test of Donald Trump's Intelligence Quotient =
Ten! (A competing fool understands quite little.)

View with:
Catalonia is not Spain =
A stoical nation's pain.

David Bourke with:
The film producer Harvey Weinstein =
"I proliferated very much in the news"

Rosie Perera with:
Thelonious Monk was born one hundred year ago =
Reason we honor a grand ebony "Melodious Thunk".

Julian Lofts with:
The Tubbs Fire is searing Napa and Sonoma Counties =
Panic as fire began to burn mountainsides to ashes.

Julian Lofts with:
Chipocalypse =
A soppy cliche.

Rosie Perera with:
Some of the California evacuees return home =
Fire left each one's house a crematorium oven.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Drunk passenger urinates on United Airlines flight =
I grin, unlike seat partner (found stain under his legs!)

Dharam Khalsa with:
Harvey Weinstein's wife, Georgina Chapman =
Aware of grievance, she is winning empathy.

David Bourke with:
The President of Catalonia, Carles Puigdemont =
Coup on the State...a clear middle finger to Spain!

Adie Pena with:
Harvey Weinstein =
Swine in heat? Very!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The "Harvey Weinstein" Halloween costume =
He's a lecher we wish to emulate, in envy? Not!

Tony Crafter with:
What should America do about North Korea's Kim Jong Un? =
Ha! Justice? Ok, look, he's mad and arrogant - rub him out now.

Julian Lofts with:
The wiry 'Ninja of Heisei' has been apprehended at last =
Lithe thief - he was a hardy Japanese pensioner in debt

Ellie Dent with:
The infamous Weinstein =
Name of the swine in suit.

David Bourke with:
The Catalan parliament has been dissolved =
Spain teaches them..."rallentando" advisable.

Rosie Perera with:
Saudi Arabia's gender segregation rules =
A usage guide: "No girls (barred in set areas)."

Josiah Winslow with:
Paul Manafort has been indicted =
Aha! Benefit Donald Trump in case?

Scott Gardner with:
Paul Manafort has been indicted =
FBI nail and prosecute hated man.

Scott Gardner with:
Paul Manafort indicted =
I cite a Donald Trump fan.

Rosie Perera with:
Kevin Spacey apologizes for sex assault on a minor =
"Relax, I'm gay, so I suck on teens, also approve of Nazis."

Scott Gardner with:
Halloween pirate costumes =
O, let's emulate crew on a ship!


John Ramos with:
Las Vegas shooter Stephen Paddock =
Savage person's death plot shocked.

Mark Huffman with:
Producer Harvey Weinstein =
US native; weird, horny creep.

Tom Myers with:
Theodore Kaczynski =
The snide crazy kook.

Adie Pena with:
Sir Paul McCartney of The Beatles =
Rich man. Real poet. Lefty bass. Cute.

Scott Gardner with:
The producer Harvey Weinstein =
Denounce this haywire pervert!

View with:
Timothy Thomas "Tim" Powers =
Two pithy, mammoth stories

Scott Gardner with:
Harvey Weinstein =
I ever want hineys.

David Bourke with:
Sally "The White Widow" Jones (Umm Hussain al-Britani) =
West outwits a jihadi. May she now burn in Islam Hell.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Great American musician Thelonious Sphere Monk =
Entails a sincere mother picking a humorous name!

Jon Gearhart with:
Harvey Weinstein =
Inert heavy swine.

Adie Pena with:
Harvey Weinstein =
Swine in heat. Very!

David Bourke with:
The President of Catalonia, Carles Puigdemont =
Pictured freedom...that's no allegiance to Spain.

Tony Crafter with:
The Madeiran, Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro =
A modern narcissist. Adoration, he loves adoration!

Rosie Perera with:
President Abraham Lincoln =
The plain laborers' man in DC.

Scott Gardner with:
The Special Counsel Robert Swan Mueller III =
In a cell is where I'll cause Trump Senior to be.

David Bourke with:
The US actor Kevin Spacey Fowler =
Very often, pleasures with a cock.

Scott Gardner with:
Kevin Spacey Fowler =
Ew, a sick pervy felon!


Rosie Perera with:
The Monty Hall Problem =
Both men reply, "Math! LOL!"

View with:
Amstel =
Ales ™

View with:
Las Vegas ~

Jesse Frankovich with:
Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil =
Wall up your mind from aliens!

Rosie Perera with:
Tesla Powerwall =
We tap solar well.

Scott Gardner with:
The Via Dolorosa in Jerusalem's Old City =
Jesu toiled miles on his road to Calvary.

Adie Pena with:
The Weinstein Company =
His type? Nice, tan women!

Scott Gardner with:
Themiscyra =
Mythic eras.

Tony Crafter with:
The UNESCO World Heritage Site Machu Picchu =
Somewhat cute citadel, crouches high in Peru.

Ellie Dent with:
The University of Glasgow, Scotland =
Och aye, student glows, loving a 'First!'

Dharam Khalsa with:
International Astronomical Union =
I monitor annual star action online.


Ellie Dent with:
I went to a most beautiful place yesterday.
There were blossoms and roses, blue sky, birds upon high, Moet champagne to drink,
blueberry tart, cream to eat; bees midst the sunny gardens, books and cheerful songs.
Oh, I was happy ... till some idiot woke me up.

Adie Pena with:
Oh you're really hot, my darling! From the time you started dieting, you’ve become an arousing, passionate kisser of sorts... ~
Did you say one "passionate kisser," sugar? But I'm merely orally recovering most of the food remains that you got in there!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Ralph Waldo Emerson: "The measure of mental health is the disposition to find good everywhere."
Media: "How does Trump somehow or other reveal the depth of insanity in all these foreign deals?"

Tony Crafter with:
My wife told me, "Sex is better on holiday." That was not a nice postcard to receive.
Bravo! A comedy sex classic. Tittered when I heard it. Wet myself at one point too!

Rosie Perera with:
"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death." -- Albert Einstein =
Old, thin, neglected? So what?! The best ambition: learn at all chances, until you're cremated.

Adie Pena with:
Harvey: A strong tropical hurricane remembered for destroying Houston, Texas, resulting in several casualties.
Harvey: One old pervert is in great trouble; terrorised young nice stars accusing him later of sexual harassment.


Dharam Khalsa with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
Cocky Trump tweets bravado: "Deadly rockets are a great option. I will see flares soon." Horrifying!

Rosie Perera with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
Today Trump said, "Tweet boldly, kick Congress away, retaliate, have scorn for poor foreigners, lie."

View with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
Sweet talk - cool way to operate.Fie!..Rod breaks doors!
Craftiness in diplomacy very regular thing!

Adie Pena with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
American President Tricky Dicky wrote: "Oh, so I'll destroy valuable persons for a Watergate goof!"

Josiah Winslow with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
Donald Trump tweets: "I yell bigly, raise or provoke a great chaos, and cry 'fake news' too! So terrific!"

Ellie Dent with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
Teddy favored bearing arms, (or carrying sticks); honor, peace for all, as we seek to outwit politely!

Ellie Dent with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
A 'Teddy' spoke: "Forget careless vociferocity now, or lose. It will outrage. Think, pray and bear arms!"

Christopher Sturdy with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
A great Oval Office works by diplomacy in key areas, see Donald - not Twitter splurges or rhetoric!

Dharam Khalsa with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
West African proverb?
Actually, there's no record.
I say, Teddy's point is:
"Go to war, kill foe, make gore!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
VP Al Gore, film narrator (or kook?), sensibly to faculty: "It is adapt to change or die. Yes, we're screwed!"

Rosie Perera with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
"I know! I prefer to carry a big stick and hoist myself to get one easy world record as a pole vaulter."

Julian Lofts with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far." =
Donald Trump roars horribly, tweets arrogantly: "Kaepernick is so egotistical. Covfefe? Aye, we do!"

Tony Crafter with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
"Take control? Lord! Flop-eared wreck Boris is far too stupid. Anyway I've got nicer legs" - Theresa May

David Bourke with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far." =
View says: "God! I only forgot a trademark 'the'. Sorry...unacceptable "definite-article-less poor work!"

Ellie Dent with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
A former political Pres. refused to kill a bear: a grave story. So the iconic toy known as 'Teddy' grew.

Dharam Khalsa with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
The Narcissist glowered: "Okay, if you want to break a strong democracy, first override all people."

Rosie Perera with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
One grim old fart retorted: "Silence? Aw, it's OK for cats, or God. I say: Speak up, boy! I can't hear very well!"

David Bourke with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
Harvey Weinstein: "To go forward, get cool little roles, and be a star for a period? Easy...suck my prick!"

Rosie Perera with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
"Do-gooders carry a gun. It's more effective than a stick to stop bloody raw killers." -- Wayne LaPierre

turnip with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."=
Trump says, "Grab every lady's goodie parts and no critic cares. I'll fake the toil for one week or two."

Adie Pena with:
American President Theodore Roosevelt wrote: "Speak softly and carry a big stick. You will go far."
Harvey Weinstein argued: "Like cool Bill, I do take off/drop my pants to go screw a secretary or star!"

THE LONG CATEGORY [6 nominations]

Ellie Dent with:
The Alligator Shoes

A young blonde, Zoe, was on vacation in June in the depths of Louisiana. She badly wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes but was very reluctant to pay the sky-high prices the particular vendors wanted. After getting very frustrated with the attitude of one bumbling, skinflint shopkeeper, the blonde shouted: 'I think maybe I'll just go now and catch myself an alligator so that I can get some shoes at a reasonable, worthwhile price!'

The shopkeeper said, 'Oh, be my guest. Maybe you will catch a big one!'

Determined, the blonde turned and headed North for the swamps, set on catching an alligator.
Later, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted poor Zoe ahead, standing uncomfortably waist deep in water, a shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge, savage-toothed alligator, ten foot big, swimming rapidly toward her. Oh boy! Then, coolly, she took aim. She killed it, then successfully hauled it onto the bank. Lying nearby were several more spectacular alligators. Fascinating 'beauties' certainly, but dead.

The shopkeeper watched uncomfortably, fascinated but flabbergasted. Just then, the blonde flipped that alligator over, shouting out in annoyance:

'DAMN IT, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!'

Tony Crafter with:
A wealthy attorney parked his brand new Porsche in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came hurtling down the road and completely ripped off the driver's door.

A passing cop was near enough to witness the incident and drew in, lights flashing, behind the now door-less Porsche.

Before he was able to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about his precious Porsche being ruined and that it would never be the same again.

The cop shook his head in amazement, "I don't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You're so focused on your expensive possessions that you forget the truly important things in life."

"Why do you think that?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Well, don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer... "My Rolex!"

After a few beers down at our popular local pub, The Crowing Cockerel, the conversation turned to who owned the most expensive watch. I showed mine first.

"Okay, you see this amazing beauty? It's a Rolex Oyster, worth a cool three grand," I announced cockily.

My pal Henry smiled and pointed to his wrist. "Oh, yes? See this? It's an elite white gold Patek Phillipe and I happily paid the best part of twenty-five grand for it a year ago."

This evoked several 'oohs' and 'ahs' of astonishment from the locals around us.

Then my other pal Gary rolled up his sleeve to show us his watch. "Gee, you guys, those prices are chicken feed," he snorted . "You see this? It cost me two-hundred-thousand."

Henry and I were stunned into silence. We stared at Gary's arm for a while longer then I said gently: "But Gary, that's only a basic Casio Quartz."

"Yeah, I know," he sighed. "My former wife bought it for me then found it in her sister's bed."

Julian Lofts with:
"It is almost inconceivable and certainly societally unacceptable in the modern aviation era with ten million passengers boarding commercial aircraft every day, for a large commercial aircraft to be missing and for the world not to know with certainty what became of the aircraft and those on board," the Australian Transport Safety Bureau said.
Remember what became of Malaysian Airlines pilot, an agitator, a brooder or liar, a tactician who covertly planned a mystery, who flew a commercial aircraft so high that all passengers suffocated and died in terror. It sank into the bottomless, briny Indian Ocean. So traumatic! Revolting! It certainly was no accident, but can the aircraft ever be found?

Josiah Winslow with:
No law, varying the compensation for the services of the Senators and Representatives, shall take effect, until an election of Representatives shall have intervened.
Congress shall never activate an order that even involves an offer taken to help a self-payrise, until the respective term of the election finishes and a new one starts.

Adie Pena with:
A large grizzly bear,
An eager millionaire,
A portly omnivore!
Go lock the door!

A heel so quirky,
A chap gone crazy,
Ursus horribilis
Stealing a golden kiss.

The jerk sees a need
To mate and breed.
A reproductive habit
Like a bunny rabbit!

Ungentlemanly leer,
Sneak a hand in here!
An illegal game:
Hug or lay a nice name.

A menace, a predator,
One mean masturbator.
Planning attacks,
An urge to climax.

Ask a survivor,
He's a slave driver.
Don't ejaculate,
Just hibernate!

These are the women who have accused Harvey Weinstein of sexual harassment ~

Asia Argento
Lysette Anthony
Lucia Evans
Gwyneth Paltrow
Mira Sorvino
Rosanna Arquette
Ambra Battilana Gutierrez
Zoe Brock
Katherine Kendall
Tomi-Ann Roberts
Ashley Judd
Emma de Caunes
Romola Garai
Rose McGowan
Lauren Sivan
Liza Campbell
Léa Seydoux
Claire Forlani
Erika Rosenbaum
Louisette Geiss
Cara Delevingne
Sophie Dix
Eva Green
Myleene Klass
Heather Graham
Lupita Nyong’o
Lena Headey
Angie Everhart
Vu Thu Phuong
Jessica Barth
Heather Kerr
Kate Beckinsale
Alice Evans
Amber Anderson
Judith Godrèche.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"You know what uranium is, right? It's this thing called nuclear weapons, and other things, like lots of things are done with uranium, including some bad things." by Donald J. Trump
Ha, it's incoherent junk from that unhinged political laughingstock who is under the wild illusion, and now proudly stating, "I am smart, using my HUGE brain and the best words!"

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY [5 nominations]

Ellie Dent with:
Women and Men: the Gender Differences between Us.


ON NICKNAMES: If Laura, Poppy, Debra, Elloise and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Poppy, Debra, Elloise and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob, Stewart and Steve go out for lunch, they will like to refer to each other affectionately as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head, Stewpot and Useless.

ON EATING OUT: Mike, Charlie, Bob, Stewart and Steve will each throw in twenty dollars, even though the bill is only twenty-two fifty. None of them ever have anything smaller, and none of them will admit they want or expect some change back. When the girls get their bill, out come their trusty pocket calculators.

ON MONEY: A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she does not want or even like. A man will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he does want.

ON BATHROOMS: The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is approximately three hundred and thirty seven. A man would not be able to identify most of these three hundred and thirty seven items. A man just has a mere six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, tooth paste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a guest hand towel from the Sunshine Holiday Inn.

ON ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument, OK? Period. Anything a man speaks about after that is indisputedly, undeniably the beginning of a new argument(s).
ON CATS: Women love cats. Men, collectively, say that they love cats. But when women aren't there, men tend to kick them.

ON THE FUTURE: A woman will worry about the future till she gets herself a husband. But a man? He never worries about the future until he gets himself a wife.

ON SUCCESS: A successful man is one who'll make more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman therefore, is one that can find that very man.

ON MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man (a layabout?) expecting that he'll change. But no, he doesn't. A foolhardy man marries a woman, blithely expecting that she will not ... and she does.

ON DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to empty the bin, to read a book, to water a rose or rhododendron, go to shops, to visit a neighbor, to answer the telephone/door. Traditionally lazy, a man will maybe dress up appropriately for a boozy wedding, and inexorable funeral.

ON NATURE: Men wake up as good-looking, attractive as they went to bed. Women deteriorate during the night time.

ON OFFSPRING: A woman knows all about her children. She'll know about any vital dental/ health appointments, the dates of friends' birthdays, and healthy food they, children, enjoy. A man's only aware of little teetotal people living in the marital abode.

And FINALLY: Any married man will inevitably forget his odd boyish mistakes. No need for two people to remember the same thing, right?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Why you should not bank with Wells Fargo:

The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau auditors assessed sales practices by Wells Fargo and affirmed that the too-big-to-fail bank had engaged repeatedly in the following rip-off deals:

* Opened unauthorized deposit accounts for existing customers and transferred funds to the accounts from their owners' accounts, without the customers' knowledge or consent.

* Generated applications for credit cards in the customer's name using information without his/her knowledge or consent.

* Enrolled a consumer in online banking services that he/she did not request.

* Ordered and activated debit cards using a consumer's information without his/her knowledge or consent.

See other abuse, illegalities or lawsuits:
* Appraisal Fraud
* Mortgage Fraud
* Illegal Fees
* Robosigning
* Mismanagement
* Student Loan Improprieties
* Wrongful Foreclosures
* Racial Profiling

Wells Fargo responded by testifying they fired more than five thousand for aforesaid improprieties. Yet, I have a feeling they probably fired the WRONG employees, eager obedient sheep who simply obeyed what was required of them, under high pressure, to meet impossible yearly sales quotas! Top-level managers should have been fired, along with one greedy profiteer, John Stumpf - a heel!

Remember, don't be foolish. Burglarproof your own money without delay!!


Some rules for proper stagecoach etiquette that were posted by Wells-Fargo and Company (from 'Deadwood Magazine'):

* Abstinence from liquor is requested, but if you must drink, share the bottle. To do otherwise makes you appear selfish and unneighborly.

* If ladies are present, gentlemen are urged to forego smoking cigars and pipes as the odor of same is repugnant to the Gentle Sex. Chewing tobacco is permitted but spit WITH the wind, not against it.

* Gentlemen must refrain from the use of rough language in the presence of ladies and children.

* Buffalo robes are provided for your comfort during cold weather. Hogging robes will not be tolerated and the offender will be made to ride with the driver.

* Don’t snore loudly while sleeping or use your fellow passenger’s shoulder for a pillow; he or she may not understand and friction may result.

* Firearms may be kept on your person for use in emergencies. Do not fire them for pleasure or shoot at wild animals as the sound riles the horses.

* In the event of runaway horses, remain calm. Leaping from the coach in panic will leave you injured, at the mercy of the elements, hostile Indians and hungry coyotes.

* Forbidden topics of discussion are stagecoach robberies and Indian uprisings.

* Gents guilty of unchivalrous behavior toward lady passengers will be put off the stage. It’s a long walk back. A word to the wise is sufficient.

Tony Crafter with:
Lewis Carroll

He thought he saw an Elephant
That practised on a fife:
He looked again, and found it was
A letter from his wife.
'At length I realize,' he said,
'The bitterness of life! '

He thought he saw a Buffalo
Upon the chimney-piece:
He looked again, and found it was
His Sister's Husband's Niece.
'Unless you leave this house,' he said,
'I'll send for the police! '

He thought he saw a Rattlesnake
That questioned him in Greek:
He looked again, and found it was
The Middle of Next Week.
'The one thing I regret,' he said,
'Is that it cannot speak! '

He thought he saw a Banker's Clerk
Descending from the bus:
He looked again, and found it was
A Hippopotamus.
'If this should stay to dine,' he said,
'There won't be much for us! '

He thought he saw a Kangaroo
That worked a Coffee-mill:
He looked again, and found it was
A Vegetable-Pill.
'Were I to swallow this,' he said,
'I should be very ill! '

He thought he saw a Coach-and-Four
That stood beside his bed:
He looked again, and found it was
A Bear without a Head.
'Poor thing,' he said, 'poor silly thing!
It's waiting to be fed! '

He thought he saw an Albatross
That fluttered round the lamp:
He looked again, and found it was
A Penny-Postage Stamp.
'You'd best be getting home,' he said:
'The nights are very damp! '

He thought he saw a Garden-Door
That opened with a key:
He looked again, and found it was
A Double Rule of Three:
'And all its mystery,' he said,
'Is clear as day to me! '

He thought he saw a Argument
That proved he was the Pope:
He looked again, and found it was
A Bar of Mottled Soap.
'A fact so dread,' he faintly said,
'Extinguishes all hope! '



He thought he saw an eerie life-form
At large in Vermont,
He looked again to see that it
Was Donald Trump's bouffant.
'There's more hair on that head,' he said,
'Than any chap could want.'

He thought he saw the largest book
That anyone had seen.
He looked again to see it was the
EU rules on beans.
'At least when Brexit comes,' he said,
'Those beans'll be has-beans.'

He thought he saw a sheet upon a
Broomstick, standin' proud,
He looked again to see it was
Dead Hefner in a shroud.
'He laid a lot of gals,' he wailed,
'It shouldn't be allowed.'

He thought he saw a shark's face peeping
Through a glassy sea,
He looked again to find 'twas
Tony Blair back on TV,
'Ah, thank God it is him,' he quipped,
'I feared it was Cherie!'

He thought he saw a zipper
Lying cast-off on the ground,
He looked again to see Rod Stewart
With his trousers down.
'Do ya think I'm sexy?' Rod yelled,
'Is my bum too round?'

He thought he saw Dame Elton
Singin' 'Candle In The Wind',
He looked again to see it was
Peace-hating despot Kim,
Reciting Elton's 'Rocket Man',
How pitiful of him!

He thought he saw eleven muppets
Sittin' on a green,
He looked again and saw that it was
England's football team.
'With these failed, puffed-up oafs', he huffed,
'The World Cup's but a dream.'

He though he saw a fiddler,
A-fiddlin' on a roof,
He looked again to see fat
Gary Glitter in his youth
'I've always liked a fiddle,' said
Bad Gary (so uncouth!)

He thought he saw at Asda, Poplar,
A sight a tad rude.
He looked again to see it was
The vicar in the nude.
'That's odd,' he said, 'I thought he shopped
'At Sainsbury's in Bude!'

Adie Pena with:

by Yrsa Daley-Ward

From One
who says, “Don’t cry.
You’ll like it after a while.”

and Two who tells you thank-you
after the fact and can’t look at your face.

To Three who pays for your breakfast
and a cab home
and your mother’s rent.

To Four
who says,
“But you felt so good
I didn’t know how to stop.”

To Five who says giving your body
is tough
but something you do very well.

To Six
Who smells of tobacco
and says “Come on, I can feel that
you love this.”

To those who feel bad in the morning yes,
some feel bad in the morning

and sometimes they tell you
you want it
and sometimes you think that you do.

Thank heavens you’re resetting
setting and

How else do you sew up the tears?
How else can the body survive?


by Harvey Weinstein

Sounds kinky
but our films are our story.
The twenty "Confessions
of a Dangerous Mind."

Why me? A smutty "Sicko"
and a wormy "Rogue"
at the doorway
to the naughty "School for Scoundrels."

The "Bad Santa,"
too "Addicted to Love."
"The Last of the High Kings,"
we're "Flirting with Disaster."

"She's So Lovely"
any way.
Took "The Human Stain"
to the skyway.

We can woo you,
"Beautiful Girls."
Even massage your tawny body.
"I Love You, I Love You Not," baby.

"Crossing the Line,"
we drop our wet robe
to show women
a fat hefty "Full Frontal."

"In Too Deep,"
"Burnt" by the hot
touchy "Scandal."

You, too. Me, too.
"She's All That"!
My money won't save me.

Doomed. Hated.
Into the grey.
Oh, do you feel
the "Aftershock"
of "Sex, Lies, and Videotape"?

Meyran Kraus with:

In night when colors all to black are cast,
Distinction lost, or gone down with the light;
The eye a watch to inward senses placed,
Not seeing, yet still having powers of sight,
Gives vain alarums to the inward sense,
Where fear stirred up with witty tyranny,
Confounds all powers, and thorough self-offense,
Doth forge and raise impossibility:
Such as in thick depriving darknesses,
Proper reflections of the error be,
And images of self-confusednesses,
Which hurt imaginations only see;
And from this nothing seen, tells news of devils,
Which but expressions be of inward evils.

[Fulke Greville]


How shocking is this legend of vile spirits
Awaiting us on boring, peaceful nights?
Pure terror strikes whenever we all hear it;
Poor little children weep in wordless fright -
Yet bigots, killers, creeps and despot kings
Have less of an effect on common sorts
And they all find those horrifying things
Less scary than some cobweb or a wart...
Life ceaselessly supplies us with this host
Of vicious villains, strong and unrefined;
Why twitch when we reflect on beasts and ghosts
Existing only in our nervous minds?
Each man, in the affairs of woe and dread,
Needs now to fear the living, not the dead.

THE RUDE CATEGORY [9 nominations]

John Ramos with:
The Playboy Mansion =
Many bi honeys to lap.

Julian Lofts with:
The producer Harvey Weinstein =
"Yet I crap in shower," he ventured.

Christopher Sturdy with:
To tread in something* =
*I mean rotten dog shit.

David Bourke with:
The shamed American film producer Harvey Weinstein =
Married man...held up his fat, moist wiener every chance!

Tom Myers with:
Female organs ~
feel an orgasm.

Adie Pena with:
The "Harvey Weinstein" Halloween costume ~
has wheels, money...with eventual erection.

David Bourke with:
Night offences in a toilet =
Infection of the genitals!

View with:
The striptease dancer =
Teats! (Hard, erect penis).

Tony Crafter with:
Most large lad ‡
A small todger.

Count of Nominations by Author

= Nom in all categories (not counting Rude & Unspecified)

Rosie Perera  23(gen 7, ent, top 7, ppl, oth 2, med, awc 4)
Dharam Khalsa  17(gen 2, ent 3, top 3, ppl, oth, med, lng, spc, awc 4)
Scott Gardner  13(gen 2, ent, top 4, ppl 4, oth 2)
Ellie Dent  13(gen, ent 2, top 3, oth, med, lng, spc, awc 3)
Adie Pena  13(gen, ent, top, ppl 2, oth, med 2, lng, spc, awc 2, rud)
Tom Myers  13(gen 9, ent 2, ppl, rud)
David Bourke  12(gen, ent, top 3, ppl 3, awc 2, rud 2)
Tony Crafter  11(gen, ent 2, top, ppl, oth, med, lng, spc, awc, rud)
Julian Lofts  9(gen 2, top 4, lng, awc, rud)
View  8(gen, ent, top, ppl, oth 2, awc, rud)
Christopher Sturdy  5(gen, ent 2, awc, rud)
John Ramos  3(gen, ppl, rud)
Josiah Winslow  3(top, lng, awc)
Meyran Kraus  2(gen, spc)
turnip  1(awc)
Mark Huffman  1(ppl)
Jesse Frankovich  1(oth)
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons  1(gen)
Jon Gearhart  1(ppl)
naturegirl  1(gen)

The Anagrammy Awards