Current Nominations for May, 2017 [64]

Anagrammy Awards >Anagrammy Awards Forum > Current Nominations

GENERAL (13) ENTERTAINMENT (3) TOPICAL (13) PEOPLES NAMES (7)
OTHER NAMES (4) MEDIUM LENGTH (7) LONG (3) SPECIAL (4)
UNSPECIFIED (0)ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE (7) RUDE (3) Counts by Author

THE GENERAL CATEGORY [13 nominations]

Christine Parker with:
Clinical psychiatry =
I play cynical Christ.

View with:
Embarrassed or ~
same bad errors.

HSP with:
To suffer in silence =
Stoic's fun-free line.

Adie Pena with:
On a diet? ~
No, I'd eat!

Rosie Perera with:
Air travel these days =
Their delays are vast.

Jesse Frankovich with:
True woman =
Mature now.

Rosie Perera with:
Die Einsatzgruppe =
It's deep Nazi purge.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Help me to not hear the hints at ~
the elephant that's in the room!

Rosie Perera with:
Online reputation management =
Go manipulate name on internet.

HSP with:
Husband and wife living together for forty years =
That fool if he forgets ruby wedding anniversary...

Marie Pezarro with:
Perpetual motion =
propel unto a time

dk with:
You can't unsee that =
Eye unshut to an act.

Tom Myers with:
Depravities =
Private side


THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY [3 nominations]

Adie Pena with:
"Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. Two" in Three-D =
They, Drax, and a wee Groot fought villains!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Homer's Iliad =
I hide morals

View with:
Scarlett Thomas, "The end of Mr. Y" =
Commend that tale, fresh story


THE TOPICAL CATEGORY [13 nominations]

Rosie Perera with:
People don't ask the question, "Why was there a Civil War?" =
Proves a wealthy president we loathe has no quick wit.

Adie Pena with:
Donald Trump's first one hundred days =
Hasty president found darn doldrums!

Tony Crafter with:
Universities installing gender neutral toilets =
Revising? No sir - let all students integrate in 'lieu'!

Adie Pena with:
Pre-existing medical conditions? =
Politics's mixed into ending care.

Dharam with:
President Donald Trump's American Health Care Act =
Rich madmen support it and snarl, "Accelerate death!"

db with:
Shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbott M.P. ‡
The wise broad, beyond compare at maths!

Snafu I'll Jot with:
An Emmanuel Macron presidency =
Democracy unmans Marine Le Pen.

Snafu I'll Jot with:
Le Pen's ~
spleen.

Mark Huffman with:
Emmanuel Macron is President! =
Ms. Marine Le Pen is mad! Recount?

db with:
Macron defeats Le Pen =
France pleased me not.

View with:
Russiagate ‡
USA is great.

Rosie Perera with:
Sean Spicer hides in the bushes =
Chap seen, issued his BS in there.

Rosie Perera with:
Trump impersonator =
Tip: arms out, per norm.


THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY [7 nominations]

Tony Crafter with:
Nicolas Maduro =
Mad, or unsocial?

HSP with:
Walter Thomas Peace
=
What a complete arse

Adie Pena with:
The candidate Emmanuel Macron =
It could mean "En Marche!" mandate.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Brigitte Marie-Claude Macron =
Mature girl idiot can embrace

Ellie with:
Emmanuel Macron, the President of France =
Modern Frenchman in more peaceful state?

Mark Huffman with:
Former FBI Director James Comey =
See, I am fired from my job? Correct.

Adie Pena with:
The FBI Director James Comey =
Ejected from my chair. So be it.


THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY [4 nominations]

View with:
The Hindenburg =
Height, burn, end.

Adie Pena with:
Washington, the District of Columbia =
Oh, discomfort began with its lunatic!

HSP with:
The Organ Donor Registry =
Dying Roger's heart to Ron.

Rosie Perera with:
Articles of Impeachment =
Final chapter; time's come.


THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY [7 nominations]

Mark Huffman with:
Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela President Nicolas Maduro =
Unbalanced former bus driver is a lunatic; people live in a zoo!

Tony Crafter with:
The foremost anti-Brexit campaigners:
1. Richard Branson
2. Tony Blair
3. Nicola Sturgeon
4. Gina Miller
=
1. Expat Brit
2. A chronic, money-grabbing liar
3. A full-on Scot. Man, she drones lots!
4. Irritating 'Remainer'

HSP with:
Those cunning Theresa May Brexit negotiation plans in full.
=
Rush in...
Rants about money...
In expectation...
In English...!
Get F' all!

Mark Huffman with:
Donald Trump, President of the United States of America =
Attempted to hand in secret federal info dump to Russia

Dharam with:
As seen on a Face Book page:

The Engineering graduate: “How will it work?”

The Physics graduate: “Why does that work?”
~
The Liberal Arts graduate (a good week):
"Hey, do you want fries with that?"

Keep coaching working age sons/nephews!

Rosie Perera with:
Dear Mr. Secretary:

I hereby resign the Office of President of the United States.

Sincerely,

Richard Nixon

=

Dear Sec'y of State:

I hereby offer to exercise secrecy in the inner firings. It's hard in there.

Donald Trump

Mark Huffman with:
Donald Trump, President of the United States of America =
Chatted to esteemed friend Mr. Putin of a Russian plot? Da!


THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY [7 nominations]

Dharam with:
“That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.”
- J.D. Salinger, 'The Catcher in the Rye'.
=
Fathers. Can't live with 'em; can't live without 'em! First, at chunky three, you love your jolly idol. At thirteen, he's so corny. At eighteen, no...seventeen, you wryly hate the patronizing jerk. Before you're thirty, he's grey, hunched, hypertensive, shriveled. God. At length, you'll miss the crotchety fart! - Dharam

Rosie Perera with:
“That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.”
- J.D. Salinger, 'The Catcher in the Rye'
=
"What a piece of work is man, or any given man. They're strong enough to lift thirty heavy objects; hunky, ritzy, stylish, cute, lithe, or suave; defenders of all the women they love; heroic every day; the nice ones into charity, never judging others; the others, utterly trite; hell, they elude actual rhythm." - RP

HSP with:
“That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.”
- J.D. Salinger, 'The Catcher in the Rye'.
=
I only ever hear fifty percent of the human race.
Every United States citizen with a Y Chromosome, the father, the son;

Highly unlikely to ever be wrong,
Jolly good at everything,
Act on very clever hunches,
Naturally shrewd

Yet I hate the rest... I just think they're huge hoity toity losers.

Donald Trump

db with:
“That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.”
- J.D. Salinger, 'The Catcher in the Rye'.
=
To generalize highly, the majority of the men worldwide snore, they leave the toilet seat up, they can't ever multitask (no chance!), they enjoy clutter, they can fetch clothes in a shop...through in roughly five minutes (why hurry!), they tend to forget anniversaries. Still, they're very sorry! - David Bourke

Tony Crafter with:
“That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.”
- J.D. Salinger, 'The Catcher in the Rye'.

=

"Hey Ivy, when your errands're done there is a very large stack of clothin' to iron. The pots over there - they're not gonna clean themselves are they? hey, just sayin'.
I'm out to hit thirty holes with the guys."

- Harvey Z Cleverley (Eerily found dead in the kitchen with a golf club jutting aptly from the rectum)

Dharam with:
“That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.”
- J.D. Salinger, 'The Catcher in the Rye'.
=
"See, in truth, men are like fine wine. They hatch like filthy everyday grapes. Therefore, your job is to selectively harvest, stomp on, then revive them until they have successfully matured into a worthy thing that you’d gladly try the hot curry dinner or enjoy Gorgonzola cheese with." - Thatcher note

Rosie Perera with:
“That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.”
- J.D. Salinger, 'The Catcher in the Rye'
=
The men on the Anagrammy Forum (Adie, David, Chris, Snafu, View, Tony, George, et al.) now include one lady, the very pretty jaunty Christine. Every once in a while s/he utterly confuses the voters. The jolly folk go, "Oh hey, look; it's her, right? Or the crazy therapist LB?" They titter very sincerely, "Heh, heh, tut, tut."


THE LONG CATEGORY [3 nominations]

Tony Crafter with:
Murphy's pregnant sister Bonnie was in a bad car accident and fell into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up on the morning of 19th August and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically, Bonnie questioned the doctor about her baby's fate.

The doctor replied, "Good news, you had twins at 7.20pm on 19th June! A boy and girl. Don't worry, the babies are fine now; however they were quite poorly at birth and needed to be christened immediately. Luckily, your brother Murphy came in and named them."

Bonnie thought to herself, "Suffering Jesus, not Murphy... he is a complete eejit." Anticipating the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well then, what is my daughter's name?"

"It's Denise," replied the doctor.

Bonnie was very relieved. "Wow, that is a beautiful name, I was quite wrong about my brother Murphy... I love Denise!"

Then she asked, "OK... what is the boy's name?"

"Denephew," replied the doctor.

=

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator's post at a famous brewery in Dublin.

An Englishman applied for the same job and since both applicants had the same technical qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said flatly, "Thank you for attending the interview, but we've decided to give the job to the Englishman."

"Eh? And why exactly would ya be doing dat?" huffed Murphy. "We both got 19 questions roight. Dis bein' Ireland and me bein' someone Irish, surely oi should get da job?"

The man replied, "We based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the incorrect answer."

"Why? How can one incorrect answer possibly be better than the other?" asked a mystified Murphy.

"Very simple." replied the manager. "On question number 7 the English guy wrote: 'I do not know the answer.'

"You wrote: ‘Neither do I’.”

Snafu I'll Jot with:
Nine Recent Politicians of the State of France
1. Emmanuel Macron
2. Francois Hollande
3. Marine Le Pen
4. Nicolas Sarkozy
5. Charles de Gaulle
6. Valery Giscard d'Estaing
7. Georges Pompidou
8. Francois Mitterand
9. Jacques Chirac
=
1. A garcon can meet a nice cougar
2. Classic Gallic chauvinist president
3. National Front jerk (gag!)
4. "Napoleon syndrome" (small physique)
5. French Free Forces leader
6. Modernizer
7. Defeated Alain Poher
8. Socialist
9. A communist

Rosie Perera with:
To all:

I have long believed that a President can fire an FBI Director for any reason, or for no reason at all. I'm not going to spend time on the decision or the way it was executed. I hope you won't either. It is done, and I will be fine, although I will miss you and the mission deeply.

I have said to you before that, in times of turbulence, the American people should see the FBI as a rock of competence, honesty, and independence. What makes leaving the FBI hard is the nature and quality of its people, who together make it that rock for America.

It is very hard to leave a group of people who are committed only to doing the right thing. My hope is that you will continue to live our values and the mission of protecting the American people and upholding the Constitution.

If you do that, you too will be sad when you leave, and the American people will be safer.

Working with you has been one of the great joys of my life. Thank you for that gift.

Jim Comey

=

Dear Director Comey (or, gee, can I call you James?):

I have received the attached letters from the Attorney General and Deputy Attorney General of the United States recommending your dismissal as the Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. I have accepted their recommendation and you are hereby terminated and removed from office, effective immediately.

I swear this has nothing to do with the investigation you had been undertaking into my possible relationship with Russia. (Putin told me he was fine with one appalling fool staying employed.) No, the explanation is quite the opposite: It's your sketchiness with the email of Hillary Clinton. Look, the fact is, pinpointing the fellow on top, you've got to take a whipping.

Now, go! Be gone! No loophole. Follow that black Hawaiian(??) fool Obama into a new life! Yahoo! Whoopee!

I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Upbeat Bully-in-Chief (Ho, ho, ho, ho!),
Donald J. Trump

----------------------------



THE SPECIAL CATEGORY [4 nominations]

Tony Crafter with:
Walking into a bar, a fellow noticed a very large jar on the counter and saw that it was completely full up with £10 notes...

He guessed there must be more than ten thousand pounds in it. He approached the bartender and asked, 'What's with the jar full of money?'

'Well...you pay ten pounds and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly wasn't going to pass this up, so he asked, 'What are the three tests?'

'Well, you must pay first, this is the rule,' said the bartender.

So, after mulling it over for a while, the man gave his ten-pound-note to the bartender, who dropped it into the jar and said: 'Okay, here's what you need to do:

'Firstly - You've got to drink a whole quart of tequila in a minute or less, and you must not make a face while you are doing it.

'Secondly - There is a pit bull terrier chained up in the back with a bad tooth. You've got to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

'Thirdly - There is an 87-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex... You've got to take care of that problem too!'

The man was staggered. 'I know I paid my ten pounds, but I am no idiot! I won't do it! You would have to be crazy to drink a quart of tequila, and do all those other things...'

'It's your call,' shrugged the bartender, ‘but your money stays where it is.'

As the evening went on, and the man had a few more drinks, he finally said,' Okay, where's the tequila?'

He seized the bottle with both hands and drunk it as fast as he could. Tears streamed down his cheeks, but he didn't make a face, and he managed it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggered out the back door, where he saw the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar heard growling, snarling, and screaming noises... then silence.

Just when it seemed the man must surely be dead, he staggered into the bar, with his shirt ripped open, there were multiple scratches and he was bleeding everywhere.

'Now,' he said, 'where is that old woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral of the story is: Listen carefully to the directions and do not trust your judgment where alcohol is involved!
=

A woman was at the hairdresser's getting her hair restyled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the lady hairdresser, who said bluntly: "Why the hell would anybody want to frequent that place? Rome's crowded, dirty and quite smelly. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking United," came the reply; "we got a great rate!"

"United? That airline's horrible!" the hairdresser said harshly. "The flight attendants are ugly, the planes are very old, squashed, and they run late. Where are you staying?"

"We'll be at an exclusive little place, it's on the Tiber and it's called Teste."

"Stop! Don't go any further. I know that place. Everyone thinks it’s going to be something swish and exclusive but that's nonsense; in truth the place is the pits."

"But we're planning to go to the Vatican and might possibly get to see the Pope."

"Ha! That's rich," huffed the hairdresser. "You and a zillion others! He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this trip of yours. You're gonna need it."

A month later, the woman came in again and the hairdresser asked her about her vacation.

"Oh, it was just joyful!" exclaimed the woman; "not only were we on time in one of United's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.

"The food and drinks were wonderful, and I had a handsome young flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was lovely! They'd just finished a $10m refurbishment job, and now it's the best hotel in the city. They were also overbooked, so they gave us the owner's suite, and at no additional charge!"

"Hmm," muttered the hairdresser, "that may be so, but I'll just bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky because, as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard came up and said that the Pope likes to meet a quota of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to wait in his private room, he would come and greet me. Sure enough, 7 or 8 minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! Then I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..."

"Oh, really? What did he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

Dharam with:
OK, you lurker, in awe of an anagram we put up here on our Anagrammy Forum -- you see, you zero in on, juggle, rework, unite an idea into your own anagram. Motivated by James Comey's original 'Goodbye' note to colleagues, I've redone a cheeky piece by Kaila Hale-Stern, though unedited. Unfair? No. Hey, I know pumped up young men enjoy any joke peppered with raw language (a wink emoji ;)). You join, you laugh, you enjoy, you win! Whoopee, whoopee, whoopee, whoopeeeeeee!

To all:

I DIDN'T EVEN ACTUALLY GET TO SEND THIS TO EVERYONE IN THE DEPARTMENT BECAUSE I WAS SHOVED OUT LIKE A GODDAMNED PARIAH WHO HAD PISSED IN H.R.'S COFFEE SO FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW POST IT ON FREAKIN' FACEBOOK SO THAT YOUR GRANDMOTHER SEES IT PRINT OUT COPIES AND DROP THEM FROM OUR STEALTH SPY AIRPLANES OVER THE AMBER FIELDS OF AMERICA MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS

I'M OFFICIALLY NAILING THIS SHIT TO THE CHURCH DOOR LIKE MARTIN LUTHER

I have long believed that a President can fire an FBI Director for any reason, or for no reason at all.

IN CASE IT'S NOT PERFECTLY CLEAR I'M THE LATTER CASE Y'ALL OR ELSE I WOULDN'T HAVE MENTIONED IT

I'm not going to spend time on the decision or the way it was executed.

YEAH I'M NOT GONNA GO INTO IT HERE BECAUSE H.R.'S LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER BUT THE FACT THAT I MENTION "THE DECISION" IS MEANT TO BE A BIG RED FLAG CALLING YOUR ATTENTION TO SHITBAG TRUMP'S SHITBAG DECISION

AND THE FACT THAT I ALSO MENTION THE WAY IT WAS EXECUTED IS MEANT TO REMIND YOU THAT THAT MOTHERF-ER DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE BASIC RESPECT TO CALL ME OR LOOK ME IN THE EYE WHEN HE FIRED ME LISTEN FRIENDS WE TREAT FBI TRAINEES BETTER WHEN WE CATCH THEM DOING SILENCE OF THE LAMBS COSPLAY IN THE QUANTICO DORMS AT NIGHT

LISTEN FRIENDS ENTRY-LEVEL TEMPS GET BETTER TREATMENT THAN YOUR MAN HERE WHO DEDICATED DECADES OF HIS LIFE TO KEEPING THIS GODFORSAKEN COUNTRY SAFE WHILE TRUMP LIVED IN A GOLDEN TOWER HOSTING REALITY TELEVISION SHOWS AND GRABBING PUSSIES YOU BEST BELIEVE YOU BETTER SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME THINKING ABOUT HOW THIS WAS HANDLED EVEN TOTAL FAILURES GET A HEADS-UP FIRST AND I'M STILL WAITING TO HEAR ABOUT SEVERANCE FROM H.R.

I hope you won't either.

I HOPE YOU WILL

It is done, and I will be fine, although I will miss you and the mission deeply.

I'M NOT FINE I'M NOT FINE I'M BARELY KEEPING IT TOGETHER DID Y'ALL HEAR HOW THAT SONNOVABITCH IN CHIEF WAITED UNTIL I WAS OUT OF THE STATE TO FIRE ME AND SENT HIS PERSONAL BODYGUARD WITH A NOTE TO FBI HEADQUARTERS EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T THERE LIKE THAT IS SOME DOWNTON ABBEY SHIT YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THE BUTLER DO YOUR DIRTYWORK AND SEND A MCFRICKEN NOTE AS THOUGH ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL DIDN'T SOLVE THIS COMMUNICATION PROBLEM IN EIGHTEEN SEVENTY-SIX FUCK
~
I have said to you before that, in times of turbulence, the American people should see the FBI as a rock of competence, honesty, and independence.

RED FLAG RED FLAG SIRENS TO ARMS MY PEOPLE THIS IS A TIME OF TURBULENCE OR ELSE I WOULDN'T HAVE SAID SO

WE'RE IN DEEP DOODOO HERE NOW SO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOTTA DO: BE HONEST AND INDEPENDENT BY WHICH I MEAN TELL THE COUNTRY WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON HERE LEAK YOUR LEAKY LIL HEARTS OUT BE INDEPENDENT ANSWER TO NO ONE IN THAT CORRUPT FESTERING WOUND OF AN ADMINISTRATION FBI GOING ROGUE NOW

What makes leaving the FBI hard is the nature and quality of its people, who together make it that rock for America.

HERE I AM REMINDING YOU AGAIN WE ARE AMERICA'S ONLY HOPE YOU ARE ALL NOW OBI-WAN KENOBI ONLY AMERICAN

It is very hard to leave a group of people who are committed only to doing the right thing.

THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I'VE DIRECTLY CHARGED YOU WITH BUCKING ALL CONVENTIONS AND AUTHORITY AND TAKING THESE BASTARDS THE HELL DOWN NEED I SPELL IT OUT AGAIN OK I WILL: "ONLY DOING THE RIGHT THING" AND I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS

My hope is that you will continue to live our values and the mission of protecting the American people and upholding the Constitution.

DONNIE TRUMPO HAS INVOKED A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS AND HE'S WIPING HIS ASS WITH OUR MOST SACRED DOCUMENT THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME I HAVE EXPLICITLY TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAD BETTER STEP UP

If you do that, you too will be sad when you leave, and the American people will be safer.

SORRY YOU'RE GOING TO BE FIRED AS WELL BY THIS CANCER ON THE AMERICAN STATE IT'S GOING TO BE WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER BUT THE COUNTRY'S FREEDOM IS ACTUALLY AT STAKE HERE DESTROY HIM LIKE A GREAT AVENGING EAGLE

Working with you has been one of the great joys of my life. Thank you for that gift.

IF I EVER MEANT ANYTHING TO YOU MY G-MEN AND G-WOMEN YOU WILL BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN

Jim Comey

CALL ME JIM BECAUSE I'M JUST AN EVERYMAN CITIZEN NOW THAT THIS ORANGE WANNABE DICTATOR TERMINATED ME SO LET'S GRAB A BEER SOMETIME I'M FREE MOST NIGHTS THIS WEEK AND NEXT AND THE WEEK AFTER THAT I HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON MY HANDS ALL OF A SUDDEN EVER SINCE I WAS RELIEVED OF MY NONPARTISAN TEN-YEAR APPOINTMENT THAT NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN FIRED FROM BEFORE EXCEPT DUE TO SERIOUS ETHICAL BREACH AND I REMIND YOU I LEARNED I WAS FIRED FROM THE GODDAMNED TELEVISION LIKE A LAUGHINGSTOCK ME JIM COMEY I HAVE SEEN THINGS YOU PEOPLE WOULDN'T BELIEVE I KNOW WHERE ALL THE BODIES ARE BURIED OUR PRESIDENT IS ONE STUPID ASSHOLE ISN'T HE ANYWAY THE FATE OF THE NATION IS ON THE LINE THESE ARE YOUR ORDERS JIM OUT

(This text is quoted from "The Mary Sue", posted on Facebook by "The People For Bernie Sanders, in a quest for justice.)

Tony Crafter with:
THE DAYS WHEN WE WENT SWIMMING
A poem by Henry Lawson

The breezes waved the silver grass,
Waist-high along the siding,
And to the creek we ne'er could pass
Three boys on bare-back riding;
Beneath the sheoaks in the bend
The waterhole was brimming -
Do you remember yet, old friend,
The times we 'went in swimming'?

The days we 'played the wag' from school -
Joys shared - and paid for singly -
The air was hot, the water cool -
And naked boys are kingly!
With mud for soap the sun to dry -
A well planned lie to stay us,
And dust well rubbed on neck and face
Lest cleanliness betray us.

And you'll remember farmer Kutz -
Though scarcely for his bounty -
He leased a forty-acre block,
And thought he owned the county;
A farmer of the old world school,
That grew men hard and grim in,
He drew his water from the pool
That we preferred to swim in.

And do you mind when down the creek
His angry way he wended,
A green-hide cartwhip in his hand
For our young backs intended?
Three naked boys upon the sand -
Half buried and half sunning -
Three startled boys without their clothes
Across the paddocks running.

We've had some scares, but we looked blank
When, resting there and chumming,
One glanced by chance upon the bank
And saw the farmer coming!
And home impressions linger yet
Of cups of sorrow brimming;
I hardly think that we'll forget
The last day we went swimming.
=

THE NAKED OLYMPIC SWIMMERS

A certain fraught Olympiad
Went very wrong and rather bad -
For Russki swimmers won each heat
And were branded robbing cheats.
It wasn't drugs that fanned the roar,
But the swimming togs they wore.
Sleek, slick 'n' brief 'n' thin
Nearly like a second skin.
Folk suspected they were made
With a hi-tech buoyancy aid.

On and on the frenzy raged,
'Twas the scandal of the age,
Finally the endless pressure
Prompted rather speedy measures,
The chiefs, they met, ideas were bounced,
In the end the men announced:
"The frank result of our review:
Entrants now will all swim nude."

Whew, what a row this created!
Concern, horror, unabated,
Some professed to be so shy,
Some cried, "No!" but by and by
They wryly knew there was no way.
Moronity had won the day.
By now, it was finals time,
The girls stood naked in a line.

With each damp body now in sight
Rather odd things came to light,
The German 'woman' in lane one
Was decidedly well... hung!
The lady from the Cameroons
Had big breasts like brown balloons,
The Czech nymph, she had chubby legs
With tiny boobs, like fried eggs.

A fight broke out among the guys
When the UK bloke surmised,
His long appendage (now on show)
Would drag and make him rather slow.
And the Frenchy from Honfleur,
He had no more than 'un peu'.
The judges growled , "Grr, screw 'em all!"
Declared things void and drained the pool.

Dharam with:
The Top 37 Things You'll Regret When You're Old
(From "Lessons Learned in Life")

1. Not traveling when you had the chance.
2. Not learning another language.
3. Staying in a bad relationship.
4. Forgoing sunscreen.
5. Missing the chance to see your favorite musicians.
6. Being scared to do things.
7. Failing to make physical fitness a priority.
8. Letting yourself be defined by gender roles.
9. Not quitting a terrible job.
10. Not trying harder in school.
11. Not realizing how beautiful you were.
12. Being afraid to say "I love you."
13. Not listening to your parents' advice.
14. Spending your youth self-absorbed.
15. Caring too much about what other people think.
16. Supporting others' dreams over your own.
17. Not moving on fast enough.
18. Holding grudges, especially with those you love.
19. Not standing up for yourself.
20. Not volunteering enough.
21. Neglecting your teeth.
22. Missing the chance to ask your grandparents questions before they die.
23. Working too much.
24. Not learning how to cook one awesome meal.
25. Not stopping enough to appreciate the moment.
26. Failing to finish what you start.
27. Never mastering one awesome party trick.
28. Letting yourself be defined by cultural expectations.
29. Refusing to let friendships run their course.
30. Not playing with your kids enough.
31. Never taking a big risk (especially in love).
32. Not taking the time to develop contacts and network.
33. Worrying too much.
34. Getting caught up in needless drama.
35. Not spending enough time with loved ones.
36. Never performing in front of others.
37. Not being grateful sooner.
=
1. It's hard the older you get.
2. Took French in school, but no retention?
3. Getting out before horror of abuse begins.
4. Avoiding benign moles or skin cancer.
5. Proof: "I'll hear Hendrix when he comes back."
6. What are you scared of?
7. Quit spending your best years sitting.
8. A man's place is in the kitchen.
9. "He is the boss from hell, but I've got bills."
10. You'll wish you'd listened.
11. You hated being pencil-thin; now you're overweight.
12. Aren't you going to tell that unrequited seventh-grade crush about your feelings?
13. Don't ignore your parents. Many of the funnier notions or things they say are going to be true later.
14. It's craziness! You'll be vain like President Trump (grin).
15. In ten years none of it is going to matter.
16. Give, having your own important goal.
17. Get up, get going!
18. What is the point of reliving anger later on?
19. Don't take crap from anyone!
20. Make the world nicer.
21. Brushing, flossing, regular checkups will help in avoiding dentures.
22. Grandpa can enrich you.
23. Go spend time with loved ones.
24. A great dish for every reunion.
25. Youngsters are constantly on the go.
26. Sign up for classes, then keep on going.
27. I disagree, so no regrets.
28. "We don't do that."
29. People change; hence, clinging isn't helpful.
30. Soon enough, your loving little son says, "Get out of my room!"
31. Go, even if you'll fall on your face.
32. Getting to know others is important.
33. Tom Petty tune, "Most things I worry about never happen...."
34. Who needs it?
35. Making time with family and friends count.
36. Many people want, just once, to croon in front of an audience.
37. Attitude of gratitude.


THE RUDE CATEGORY [3 nominations]

HSP with:
Queens are the worst; ~
there's nowt as queer!

Christine Parker with:
Coitus interuptus =
Put it in... curses... out!

HSP with:
Impeach the president =
Chap in meter-deep shit!


Count of Nominations by Author

= Nom in all categories (not counting Rude & Unspecified)

Rosie Perera  11(gen 3, top 3, oth, med, lng, awc 2)
HSP  8(gen 2, ppl, oth, med, awc, rud 2)
Adie Pena  7(gen, ent, top 2, ppl 2, oth)
Tony Crafter  7(top, ppl, med, lng, spc 2, awc)
Dharam  6(top, med, spc 2, awc 2)
Mark Huffman  5(top, ppl, med 3)
View  4(gen, ent, top, oth)
db  3(top 2, awc)
Snafu Ill Jot  3(top 2, lng)
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons  3(gen, ent, ppl)
Christine Parker  2(gen, rud)
dk  1(gen)
Ellie  1(ppl)
Jesse Frankovich  1(gen)
Marie Pezarro  1(gen)
Tom Myers  1(gen)

The Anagrammy Awards