Genesis



The Beginning


1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning—the first day.

6 And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." 7 So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. 8 God called the expanse "sky." And there was evening, and there was morning—the second day.

9 And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. 10 God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good.

11 Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. 12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day.

14 And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. 16 God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. 17 God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, 18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fourth day.

20 And God said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." 21 So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. 22 God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth." 23 And there was evening, and there was morning—the fifth day.

24 And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so. 25 God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.

26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."

29 Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. 30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food." And it was so.

31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.


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Genesis



1 In the beginning, God made man.

2 Now, man was a relaxed dude. He had no worries and he strutted. However, the Holy Spirit saw this and reported it to God.

3 And God said "Let there be woman" and there was and she was a long-legged, ravagingly attractive tart with a velvet cleavage and tight vagina. 4 God saw that man liked her. He gave the attractive woman to the man and they got hitched. 5 God called the man "husband"; the hot woman he called "wife". There was good rooting that evening, and there was morning - the first day.

6 And God said, "Let there be a difference of ideology between husband and wife." 7 So God created man as logical and rationale and woman: emotional, talkative and repetitive. And it was so. 8 They started fretting that evening and there was morning - the second day.

9 And God said, "Let her produce kids and suffer the pain of birth and ensure that the man has no idea of the pain she has." And it was so. 10 The wife gave birth to kids and was irate at the man even though he had no clue. 11 She swore at him and had him change dirty diapers too. And God saw it and laughed. 12 There was fighting that evening, and there was morning - the third day.
13 And God said, "Let thriving shops cover the streets and let them overrun with women's clothes and stilettos to serve as keys to target the changing seasons and 14 let them be outfitted with glittering lights to stop them knowing the time." And it was so. 15 God flagrantly thrust sales on her - the greater sale at the end of the year he called "After Xmas". The lesser sale he called "End of Tax Year". He also devised other lesser sales. 16 God sent these through the year to entice the wife to spend money. 17 God saw the look on the bedraggled man's face and cracked up. 18 There was a rotten evening and there was morning - the fourth day.

19 And God said, "Let foods of the earth be filled with calories, let all things that taste nice be fattening and fill store shelves." 20 So God created takeout food and separated them according to their kind. He created Wendy's and Burger King, Donut King and Kentucky Fried Chicken. 21 And God observed that it was great. 22 God blessed them and said "Gravitate to the girl, tempt her, and, through your fattening ingredients, increase her obesity." And the wife grew fatter and heavier. The husband grew disgusted. God saw this and giggled himself to sleep. 23 There was no sex later that evening, and there was morning - the fifth day.

24 And God said, "Let tight banks produce the dratted credit card advert to heighten the wife's needs: Amex, Mastercard and Visa that ask the wife to purchase products beyond her greatest dreams." And it was so. 25 God advised the banks to start sending overtaxed bills to the husband according to their kinds: the "high interest fee" or the "no interest free days". And the devastated husband sulked. God saw this torture, chortled and the tears abounded from his eyes.

26 Then God said, "Let's make another niggling woman in her image, in her likeness and let her preside over all husbands over the earth and over their doings and goings-on.

27 So God created the Mother-in-Law in her likeness,
in her exaggerated light; he created the repulsive, talkative tart; he created her.

28 God blessed the tart and said, "Increase in number, pervade the earth, aggravate, pester and revolt the husbands. Preside over them with disdain and derision."

29 Then God said, "I give you every right to evoke pain and despair on all of their faces across the earth and start to plant horror in their heart. They will be yours for humor and relaxation. 30 And all men of the earth will be aggravated and won't know how to live in harmony with you." And it was so.

31 God saw all that he had created, and fell off his cloud giggling. There was evening and there was morning - the sixth day.

32 On the seventh day, man created internet porn and gave God the birdie.

33 On the eighth day, God created divorce contracts.