801

THE TIMELESS WIT OF GROUCHO MARX

"Remember, guys, that we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did."

"I resign. I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member."

"Once I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know."

"Outside a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read."

"If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower."

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thoughts, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"A woman's an occasional pleasure, but a cigar's always a smoke."

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."

"Time wounds all heels."

"A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it."

"Go, and never darken my towels again."

"Getting older's no problem. You just have to live long enough."

"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

"Anyone who doesn't like this book is healthy."

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."

"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for a divorce, and so will my wife."

"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."

"Are you going to believe me or what you see with your own eyes?"

"Bury me next to a straight man."

"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."

THE INIMITABLE GENIUS OF PETER KAY

Some good homespun philosophies and jollification from the audacious Bolton comic's vivid imagination. Justifiably named 'Britain's Comedians' Comedian', his monologues comprise homely axioms based on boyhood memories, imaginative observation and life in general.
Come, enjoy a gleaming choice of some of his amusing 'bijoux'!

"You've become your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with."

"Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?"

"You can't respect a man who carries a dog."

"Why does mineral water which has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?"

"Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll just pull those dangly things and I'll drink whatever comes out'?"

"At the end of every party there is always a girl crying."

"Every man has at some time while taking a pee, flushed half way through then raced against the flush."

"Reading when you're drunk is horrible."

"When rummaging in an overgrown garden, you always come across a bouncy ball."

"Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel really manly."

"You never know where to look while eating a banana."

"Old ladies can eat more than you think."

"Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose."

"Sex is just like a game of bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you need a good hand."

"You know that look women sometimes get when they want sex? Me neither."

"If someone says there are millions of stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, why do you need to touch it to be sure?"

"We all remember the day a dog ran into our school."

"I've often wanted to drown my troubles but my wife won't go swimming."

"If a person owns a bit of land, do they own it right down to the earth's core?"

"Some days you see lots of individuals on crutches."

"Old ladies with mobile phones look wrong!"

802

Yesterday (by The Beatles)

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be.
There's a shadow hanging over me.
Oh yesterday came suddenly.

Why she had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
How I need a place to hide away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
How I need a place to hide away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.

Seedy Tale (by Earth Bytes)

Leprosy, I'm not half the man I used to be.
All my skin is coming off of me.
Oh I believe I'm sore, you see.

Suddenly, I really need to take a whee,
But I've got no dong with which to water the tree.
Oh, anyway, now I got ugly leprosy.

Why did I get cursed with this rot? I need to hide.
Yeah, sure I'm diseased, guts came out my side.

Leprosy, what a totally nasty way to be.
Had no senses in elbow or knee.
Oh, Daddy, that's severely deadly!

Why a corrosive disease waylayed an average one?
Agony, now an angry song and a yawn...oh, done!

Yesterday, health was easy, ah so easy, ya had to see.
Now a shadow hangs shyly over me.
Oh, why did I get leprosy?

803

The devil went down to Georgia
He was lookin' for a soul to steal
He was in a bind
'Cause he was way behind
And he was willin' to make a deal

When he came upon this young man
Sawin' on a fiddle and playin' it hot
And the devil jumped
Up on a hickory stump
And said boy let me tell you what

Now you play a pretty good fiddle, boy
But give the devil his due
I'll bet a fiddle of gold
Against your soul
'Cause I think I'm better than you

The boy said my name's Johnny
And it might be a sin
But I'll take your bet
And you're gonna regret
'Cause I'm the best there's ever been

The devil opened up his case
And he said I'll start this show
And fire flew from his fingertips
As he rosined up his bow

Then he pulled the bow across the strings
And it made an evil hiss
And a band of demons joined in
And it sounded something like this

[Instrumental]

When the devil finished
Johnny said well you're pretty good old son
Just sit right in that chair right there
And let me show you how it's done

He played Fire on the Mountain
Run boys, run
The devil's in the House of the Rising Sun
Chicken in a bread pan picken' out dough
Granny does your dog bite
No child, no

The devil bowed his head
Because he knew that he'd been beat
And he laid that golden fiddle
On the ground and Johnny's feet

Johnny said, Devil just come on back
If you ever wanna try again
I done told you once you son of a bitch
I'm the best there's ever been

And he played Fire on the Mountain
Run boys, run
The devil's in the House of the Rising Sun
Chicken in a bread pan picken' out dough
Granny does your dog bite
No child, no

Dubya went to the Mid East
Looking for a scapegoat to slay
He was in a flap
'cause of all the crap
From the nine eleven day.

When he came upon an Islamic
Teachin' Jihad and teachin' it hot
And Dubya dived
Into his plane
And jibed "So, Osama, let me tell you what."

Now you've got good religion, child
But give the president his due
I'll bet US forces against your Jihad
Because the US is better than you.

The bloke claimed "Hallo, I am Osama
And this Jihad's not a sin.
You naive heathen whore
You're gonna be sore
I'm the most insipid that's ever been"

Childish Dubya opened up his den
And spoke of his intended plan
Of dinnin' where Jihadi followers lived
And injurin' Taliban.

He sung "Crush the Taliban one by one"
Ol' Dubya's on the shore of Bin Laden
Hunt him down fervidly, hunt down the shit.
Guided rocket strikes
Hit by hit.

When George's finessed guns were shooting
Osama lipped "You're pretty good old son,
But we fell both your towers
With planes, not your cannons."

Dubya sung "Kill the Jihadis one by one"
Ol' Dubya's on the shore of Bin Laden
Hunt him down fervidly, hunt down the shit.
Guided rocket strikes
Hit by hit.

The Taliban panicked and lay down their guns
They knew that they were beat
And kneeled the Afghan nation
On the ground at George's feet.

A dejected George said "Laden, give up
You're drivin' me insane
If you don't give in, you dim Muslim
I'll apprehend your dad, Saddam Hussein."

He vowed "Crush innocent Mid Easterns one by one"
Ol' Dubya's on the shore of Bin Laden
Hunt 'em down fervidly, hunt down the shiite.
Guided cannon strikes
Hit by hit.

804

[Shakespeare's weather-themed sonnet is anagrammed into a series of 4 seasonal sonnets, each with its fitting acrostic. Enjoy!]

To me, fair friend, you never can be old,
For as you were when first your eye I eyed,
Such seems your beauty still. Three winters cold,
Have from the forests shook three summers' pride,
Three beauteous springs to yellow autumn turned,
In process of the seasons have I seen,
Three April perfumes in three hot Junes burned,
Since first I saw you fresh, which yet are green.
Ah! yet doth beauty like a dial-hand,
Steal from his figure, and no pace perceived;
So your sweet hue, which methinks still doth stand,
Hath motion, and mine eye may be deceived:
For fear of which, hear this thou age unbred:
Ere you were born was beauty's summer dead.

=

Such lust you wake with sunlight as your suit!
Unyielding rays gave you their glow, it seems.
My raw desire, once this bashful fruit,
Matured and ripened under fervent beams.
Endure, Oh cheery fire-sprite of June!
Relieve this heart bewitched with moody air;
Breathe in your kiss the awesome heat of dunes
To soothe my cheeks, then tease them with your hair.
Don't hide away or fear this fevered dare;
Can heaven reach you if you merely yearn?
None can repress the force of passion's flare;
If we were doomed to burn, then let us burn!
Come, flame, consume these bodies firmly pressed -
Beneath the ash, our seed should prosper best.

As fierce September winds of early morn
Unleash their murmurs to the misty air,
Their northbound puffs, with impudence and scorn,
Unravelling your finely-braided hair,
My peace becomes one troubled reverie.
Now that the summer cheer, so brief, has faded,
I see your comely features, once woe-free,
Bear haunted outlines, sane while strained and jaded.
But when I pause those thoughts of yesterday,
It strikes me that these worries have no need:
Your eyes survey me in your feisty way
And every fear which bothered me recedes.
Though each of us treads through this season sole,
The spark of life within you keeps us whole.

=

Where are those summer days or autumn nights,
I often muse when feebly we embrace
Near hearth in vain, then sense some noise with fright -
These storms of ice which feud outside our place.
Each week we suffer January's flurry;
Recluse and hidden, buried under frost.
You're pained to see my rhymes are bleak and blurry;
It seems my flair for poetry is lost...
And yet, I care not for the poet's duty:
What purpose has this insincere device
If you're beside me? Odes shan't match your beauty.
Your heartbeat near my own dissolved the ice.
Though Weather, heinous foe, shrieks high above,
Deep underneath, these roots will feed our love.

=

So many joyous birds soar through the sky!
Purer than pure, their cheerful chirps and tunes
Rush by the handsome house, then flutter high
In this real cherished, mid-March afternoon.
New flowers everywhere, like wide-eyed fairies,
Grace Nature's blouse and douse it with perfume...
I meet this blossom's hues, this petal airy:
The cherry tree, once faint and weak, now blooms.
You see, my fair-eyed bride, the year flew by;
Four seasons came and waned before our eyes,
And every time affection seemed to die
You've shown me that a true one never dies.
The future's here, my wife, it has begun:
At last, our love produced this precious son.