801

The five poems below are all anagrams of each other, formed from the same set of 624 letters. There is also a secondary constraint which influences their construction; this is described in detail below, after the poems.

Autumn Aubades

[1]

On a grey country road they stand
discussing trifles
under nineteen flimsy branches
of a scrawny birch,
impotently loitering.

You louse! says one with sarcasm.
Performers? Ah! says old Estrago, commenting
on personal spite unmasked,
unfit piety, and retrograde fears.

Twilight:
lowly mankind in his decline,
Theater of Unsettling Dreams,
cachet and cliche both the worse for wear:
impoverished stranger and homeless sojourner,
frail chaser of exotic things,
always deceived beneath the ultimate metaphor of truth.

Might we think? they wonder aloud.
Lamentation's voice arises,
bleating loud its olden song
of the Short Way.

Flame-parched, haunted and worthless, they retreat,
to escape from His vicious abandon,
to tumble toward the knife-edge pain.

Ils ne bougent pas.

In addition to being an anagram, each poem also contains instructions for constructing a simple cartoon relating to its theme.  The rules for building each cartoon are as follows:

(1) Cartoons are composed of lines, human figures, and speech bubbles placed on a 20x20 coordinate plane with (0,0) in the lower left.

(2) The "value" of a word is defined as the letter sum of the word (with A=1, B=2, etc.) modulo 20 (i.e., the remainder when the letter sum is divided by 20).

(3) A ten-letter word means to draw a line.  The values of the next four words immediately following the 10-letter word represent four numbers (x1, y1, x2, y2) and signify that the line goes from the point (x1,y1) to the point (x2,y2).

(4) A twelve-letter word denotes a figure/speech-bubble pair.  The value of the next word (the one after the 12-letter word) gives the X position at which to place the figure (the Y position is always 0), and the evenness or oddness of the last letter in that word (using A=1, B=2, etc.) says whether to face the figure left (if odd) or right (if even).  For the contents of the speech bubble, begin with the first letter of the next word (i.e., the second word after the 12-letter word).  Take that letter, the 7th letter after it in the text, the 7th letter after that, and so on.

For example, in the final poem the sequence

determines habit tensely prefacing tragedy

starts with a 10-letter word and thus represents a line.  Taking the letter sum mod 20 of the other four words gives

(determines) 0 0 19 0

So this represents a line from (0,0) to (19,0) - namely, a horizontal line at the bottom of the frame. 

The 12-letter word foreshadowed indicates a figure.  The following word (fury) has value 10, so the figure is located at X=10; the last letter of fury, Y, is odd, so the figure faces left.  Taking every 7th letter of the succeeding text gives the contents of the speech bubble ("Only one way out"):

of...who? Tangerine light rays, slice of dawn once seen eternal,
wages of absurd hysteria, Overt drudgery strains...

Here are the poems again with the resulting cartoon shown next to its corresponding poem.  Each 10-letter word (beginning a five-word line sequence) is shown in blue, each 12-letter word (beginning a sequence of words for a figure and speech bubble) in purple, and all the "data words" and speech-bubble letters are shown in red.

On a grey country road they stand discussing trifles under nineteen flimsy branches of a scrawny birch, impotently loitering. You louse! says one with sarcasm. Performers? Ah! says old Estrago, commenting on personal spite unmasked, unfit piety, and retrograde fears. Twilight: lowly mankind in his decline, Theater of Unsettling Dreams, cachet and cliche both the worse for wear: impoverished stranger and homeless sojourner, frail chaser of exotic things, always deceived beneath the ultimate metaphor of truth. Might we think? they wonder aloud. Lamentation's voice arises, bleating loud its olden song of the Short Way. Flame-parched, haunted and worthless, they retreat to escape from His vicious abandon, to tumble toward the knife-edge pain. Ils ne bougent pas.
[2] What if you, mindlessly raking silt and pasture Suddenly hear a verse of your Mother's song wafted on the wind, Catch her glimmering eye, still bed-cased but achingly glad?   And if you don't?   Accept. Pretend. What if summertime whims melt to reason, Syllogisms or nation-favoring themes leave wholly, And loneliness, her immovable censor, besets no more?   And if not?   Accept. Pretend. What if executioners forsake shadowy obligations to Islam and tyranny, Heroics' adherents courageously use idealism, the chosen guide-arm, Therewith finely rooted-on but enclosed in honor?   And if not?   Accept. Pretend. What if a feather-whitish light jarring the sky Turns out to be harmless? (Not an aggressor's weapon: rather, The outbreak of peace, or the star Sirius.)   And if it isn't?   Accept. Pretend.
[3] Grass seeds lying in permanent crags coyly open, Cormorants sweep amid leafy lotus rings;   A boy wakes Long afternoons, summer trees up in the forest; Concentric bands spring and spread   from sunflower heart Dusk on the path: mystic firefly dances and glitters; A man's silhouette, eerie color-sprinkled hand,   blood in the mouth Handwritten embrace, worst thoughts, tedium within; Lines on the highway, motels, restaurants:   Itinerant veracity Moody soul in exotic cafe wants a change of clothes; Nation where truth hourly defers to might:   Impoverished paradise Migration by day urges on new idea, to leave fate its usual injury; The ice comes hard on his heel -   A new shipwreck Behold, floating aft, a dead lobster. Irony-defiant, he endeavors to the last   (Come, belated flight)
[4] As lyrics from a half-remembered tune Go meaningless travails and transient times Into the thin fall air, and past the moon, Discharged by cosmic-luck-appeasing rhymes. Confronted by its ever-rude display, Constrained by anguished moonlight, plague and tears, We curse at fate, who, scuttling away, Extorted thrills from twice-forgotten years. Forestalling one's inhuman tone stripped fast, We clothe our voice in Psyche's heartache-song. Raise wine to wealth, to coarse unbridled youth, A maiden's oath and new-found memory. Unthinking when we olden precepts lost, Years hardened as the bitter Irish silt, Transforming plan to heart of woe embossed, Securely on its core, with knighthood's guilt.   At eve I think of our most-blessëd end:   A joyful heart, a cheery home, a friend.
[5] With cruel ordinates and weary abscissas,   like a monologue of pent-up thought, His fractured, immoving cube-world   determines habit, tensely prefacing tragedy with   anthems to the faithless man (disenchanted as he is modern),   a cool theory-poem of litanies more dense than ethereal. Upon his child-like brow sits plainly   one thought yet not formed: Old exits and new entrances, forming and dissolving,   their automated thrum steady and stochastic. Projectors paint lines (so angular, bleak)   on the bulkheads of reality,   everywhere empty images with cryptic intent,   foreshadowed fury of...who? Tangerine light rays,   slice of dawn once seen eternal,   wages of absurd hysteria, Overt drudgery strains after noble thoughts   of places, corners, laminations. Nascentes Morimur.

802

[Below is an anagram of the 98 Scrabble letters into four 5x5 squares. Of course, 98 is less then 100 so two spaces must remain unused - these unfilled spots have been put in the lower right of the arrangement. Every one of the 40 horizontal and vertical words can be found in the current "Tournament Word List" used for play in North American Scrabble tournaments, which is in turn based on the current (4th) edition of the Official Scrabble Players Dictionary. I also imposed an additional constraint, which was that the two empty spots could be filled by the two blank Scrabble tiles to (when assigned the proper letters) complete the bottom right square so that it has a full complement of 5-letter words. Making the blanks E and S turns HON into HONES, CRUD into CRUDE and HYPE into HYPES.

Below is the anagram in plain text followed by a picture of an actual board with tiles.

This is the first 4x(5x5) arrangement of the Scrabble tiles ever constructed.]

AAAAAAAAA BB CC DDDD EEEEEEEEEEEE FF GGG HH
 IIIIIIIII J K LLLL MM NNNNNN OOOOOOOO PP Q
 RRRRRR SSSS TTTTTT UUUU VV WW X YY Z
 
 =
  
 TOQUE JOWAR
 WRUNG AGONE
 AGAPE BIFID
 TIKIS OVULE
 SCENT TELES
 
 MALAR BATCH
 OZONE IVORY
 TINED MIXUP
 IDEAL ASIDE
 FERRY HON
	

803

New Woman's 100 Sexiest Men in the World 2006:

1st Brad Pitt 2nd Jake Gyllenhaal 3rd Orlando Bloom 4th Johnny Depp 5th Clive Owen 6th Jose Mourinho 7th Shayne Ward 8th Daniel Craig 9th Simon Jones 10th Olivier Martinez 11th George Clooney 12th Thierry Henry 13th Robbie Williams 14th David Beckham 15th Jude Law 16th Josh Holloway 17th Adam Brody 18th Pete Doherty 19th Alex Zane 20th David Tennant 21st Gavin Henson 22nd Heath Ledger 23rd Leonardo Di Caprio 24th Joaquin Phoenix 25th Prince William 26th Preston 27th Matthew Fox 28th Jonny Wilkinson 29th Jamie Foxx 30th Vince Vaughn 31st Hugh Grant 32nd Freddie Ljungberg 33rd Vernon Kaye 34th Colin Farrell 35th Dermot OÍleary 36th Justin Timberlake 37th Ewan Mcgregor 38th Fabio Moretti 39th Ashton Kutchner 40th Usher 41st Jason Statham 42nd Eminem 43rd Keanu Reeves 44th Matthew Mcconaughey 45th Owen Wilson 46th Viggo Mortensen 47th Matt Le Blanc 48th James Cracknell 49th Antonio Banderas 50th Calum Best

51st Tom Cruise 52nd Ralph Fiennes 53rd Goran Visnijic 54th Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff 55th Will Smith 56th Prince Harry 57th Naveen Andrews 58th Sean Penn 59th Brandon Flowers 60th Colin Firth 61st Simon Webbe 62nd Pierce Brosnan 63rd Jean Christoph Novelli 64th Michael Owen 65th Gael Garcia Bernal 66th Carl Barat 67th Mick Jagger 68th Steve Jones 69th Jason Lee 70th Cillian Murphy 71st Max Beesley 72nd Paul Bettany 73rd Matt James 74th Nigel Harman 75th Jonathan Ross 76th Lee Ryan 77th Richard Fleeshman 78th Jamie Oliver 79th Steven Gerrard 80th Damien Lewis 81st Anthony Head 82nd Jason Orange 83rd Andrew Lincoln 84th Jody Latham 85th James Mcavoy 86th Daniel Radcliffe 87th Patrick Dempsey 88th Robert Webb 89th Adrien Brody 90th Johnny Knoxville 91st Paul Walker 92nd David Cameron 93rd James Blunt 94th Russell Crowe 95th Ashley Cole 96th Colin Murray 97th Ben Shephard 98th Will Young 99th Gordon Ramsay 100th Alex Turner

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1st Natalie Imbruglia 2nd Anna Kournikova 3rd Helena Christensen 4th Halle Berry 5th Kate Beckinsale 6th J-Lo 7th Helena Bonham-Carter 8th Penelope Cruz 9th Elle Macpherson 10th Jennifer Aniston 11th Pamela Anderson 12th Angelina Jolie 13th Cameron Diaz 14th Sophie Ellis-Bextor 15th Barbara Schett 16th Emma Major 17th Norah Jones 18th Thandie Newton 19th Jade Jagger 20th Victoria Beckham 21st Kylie Minogue 22nd Avril Lavigne 23rd Sharon Stone 24th Andy McDowell 25th Ms Dynamite 26th Mya 27th Minnie Driver 28th Gwen Stefani 29th Dido 30th Carol Vorderman 31st Beverley Craven 32nd Sheryl Crow 33rd Uma Thurman 34th Isabelle Dinoir 35th Naomi Campbell 36th Joss Stone 37th Jamie-Lee Curtis 38th Lulu 39th Olivia Newton-John 40th Enya 41st Drew Barrymore 42nd Gabby Logan 43rd Alex Kingston 44th Fifi-Trixibelle Geldof 45th Bonnie Langford 46th Twiggy 47th Geri Halliwell 48th Joanna Lumley 49th Samantha Fox 50th Emma Bunton

51st Goldie Hawn 52nd Jemima Khan 53rd Patsy Palmer 54th Exene Cervenka 55th Jennifer Warnes 56th Sara Cox 57th Winona Ryder 58th Stevie Nicks 59th Cheryl Ladd 60th J.K. Rowling 61st P.J. Harvey 62nd Jerry Hall 63rd Madonna 64th Demi Moore 65th Davina McCall 66th Cher 67th Mel Brown 68th Mel Chisholm 69th Monica Lewinsky 70th Whoopi Goldberg 71st Courtney Love 72nd Divine Brown 73rd Jane Fonda 74th Sophie Wessex 75th Joan Collins 76th Steffi Graf 77th H.R.H. Her Majesty The Queen 78th Wendy Richard 79th/80th Trinny/Susannah 81st Rose West 82nd Janice Long 83rd Joan Rivers 84th Tessa Jowell MP 85th Sally Gunnell 86th Victoria Wood 87th Lindsay Davenport 88th Jordan 89th Ruby Wax 90th Dawn French 91st Jenna Bush 92nd H.R.H. Princess Anne 93rd Clare Balding 94th Jo Brand 95th P.M. Margaret Thatcher 96th Huffty 97th Janet Street-Porter 98th Ann Widdecombe MP 99th Camilla Windsor 100th Cherie Booth

804

In An Artist's Studio

One face looks out from all his canvasses,
One selfsame figure sits or walks or leans;
We found her hidden just behind those screens,
That mirror gave back all her loveliness.
A queen in opal or in ruby dress,
A nameless girl in freshest summer greens,
A saint, an angel;--every canvass means
The same one meaning, neither more nor less.
He feeds upon her face by day and night,
And she with true kind eyes looks back on him
Fair as the moon and joyful as the light;
Not wan with waiting, not with sorrow dim;
Not as she is, but was when hope shone bright;
Not as she is, but as she fills his dream.

La Gioconda: A Mona Lisa hymn
Enigmas lose their freshness over time
Once interest fades - although, I shall confess,
None have the sense of honor so sublime
A beaming woman's portrait shall possess.
Returning to her shrine, a slew of stares
Drifts on and scans her alabaster skin;
Onlookers, fans and musers here and there
Debate just what this Goddess hides within:
A nonchalant rebuff? New quirk or joke?
Vitality or shrewdness? Either way,
I think her smashing image shall invoke
New fables and assumptions every day.
Confuse me, Siren, then my soul beguile -
I can do nought but answer with a smile.

805

80 Things You (Probably) Didn't Know About Queen Elizabeth:

1. Queen Elizabeth II is the fortieth monarch since William the Conqueror obtained the crown of England.
   
   
2. In 2002, aged 76, she was the oldest monarch to celebrate a Golden Jubilee. The youngest was James I (James VI of Scotland) at 51 years.
   
   
3. Since 1952, she has conferred over 387,700 honours and awards.
   
   
4. Elizabeth has personally held over 540 Investitures.
   
   
5. She speaks fluent French and often uses the language for audiences and state visits. She does not require an interpreter.
   
   
6. The Queen has received over 3 million items of correspondence during her reign.
   
   
7. Over the course of the reign, around 1.1 million people have attended garden parties at Buckingham Palace or the Palace of Holyrood House (Elizabeth ended Presentation Parties in 1958).
   
   
8. Over the reign, she has given regular Tuesday evening audiences to 10 British Prime Ministers Winston Churchill 1951-55, Sir Anthony Eden 1955-57, Harold Macmillan 1957-63, Sir Alec Douglas-Home 1963-64, Harold Wilson 1964-70 and 1974-76, Edward Heath 1970-74, James Callaghan 1976-79, Margaret Thatcher 1979-90, John Major 1990-97, Tony Blair 1997-present. There have also been 10 US Presidents during her reign.
   
   
9. Tony Blair is the first Prime Minister to have been born during her reign. He was born in early May 1953 - a month before the Coronation.
   
   
10. The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh introduced small, informal luncheon parties at Buckingham Palace to meet distinguished people from all professions, trades and vocations. The first was held on 11th May 1956 and the tradition continues to this day. There are usually 6-8 guests and two members of the Household attending.
    
    
11. Elizabeth is patron of more than 620 charities and organisations.
    
    
12. During her reign, she has made more than 256 official overseas visits to 129 different countries.
    
    
13. Many of Elizabeth's official tours were undertaken on the Royal Yacht Britannia. It was launched by the Queen on April 16, 1953 and was commissioned for service on January 7,1954. It was de- commissioned in December 1997. During this time, Britannia travelled more than a million miles on Royal and official duties.
    
    
14. Britannia was first used by Elizabeth when she embarked with the Duke of Edinburgh on May 1,1954 at Tobruk for the final stage of their Commonwealth Tour returning to the Pool of London. The last time Elizabeth was on board for an official visit was on August 9, 1997 for a visit to Arran.
    
    
15. Elizabeth has visited Australia 15 times, Canada 23 times, Jamaica six times and New Zealand 10 times . Her Majesty most recently visited Australia in March 2006 to open the Commonwealth Games in Melbourne.
    
    
16. Since her accession to the throne in 1952, she has visited Edinburgh nearly every year, taking up residence in the Palace of Holyroodhouse during Holyrood Week.
    
    
17. During her reign, the Queen has received many unusual gifts including a variety of live animals. The more unusual of which have been placed in the care of the London Zoo - among them jaguars and sloths from Brazil, and two black beavers from Canada. There have also been gifts of pineapples, eggs, a box of snail shells, a grove of maple trees and 7kg of prawns.
    
    
18. Elizabeth has sent around 100,000 telegrams to centenarians in the UK and the Commonwealth.
    
    
19. She has sent more than 280,000 telegrams to couples in the UK and the Commonwealth celebrating their diamond wedding (60 years) anniversary.
    
    
20. Her real birthday is on April 21, but it is celebrated officially in June.
    
    
21. She has attended 34 Royal Variety performances.
    
    
22. She has opened 15 bridges in the United Kingdom.
    
    
23. She has given over 91 State banquets during her reign.
    
    
24. Since 1952, The Queen has undertaken 78 State Visits accompanied by The Duke of Edinburgh; the most recent being to Singapore in March 2006.
    
    
25. She has launched 23 ships in her lifetime. The first was HMS Vanguard which she launched - as Princess Elizabeth - on November 30, 1944 in Clydebank. Her first launch as Queen was Britannia, also from Clydebank .
    
    
26. The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh have sent about 37,500 Christmas cards during her reign.
    
    
27. She has given out about 78,000 Christmas puddings to staff continuing the custom of King George V and King George VI. In addition, the Queen gives all her staff a gift at Christmas time.
    
    
28. Every year she sends Christmas trees to Westminster Abbey, Wellington Barracks, St Paul's Cathedral, St Giles, Edinburgh, The Canongate Kirk, Edinburgh, Crathie Church and local schools and churches in the Sandringham area.
    
    
29. Elizabeth learnt to drive in 1945 when she joined the Army.
    
    
30. She was a Girl Guide (1937) and Sea Ranger (1943).
    
    
31. As Princess Elizabeth she travelled on the London Underground for the first time in May 1939 with her governess Marion Crawford and her sister Princess Margaret.
    
    
32. The Queen is a keen photographer and enjoys taking pictures of her family. The Duke of York is also a keen photographer and has taken a number of photographs of Elizabeth , including an official photograph for Her Majesty's Golden Jubilee in 2002.
    
    
33. The Queen was born at 17 Bruton St, London W1 on April 21, 1926, was baptised on May 29, 1926 in the private chapel at Buckingham Palace, and was confirmed on March 28, 1942 in the private chapel at Windsor Castle.
    
    
34. With the birth of Prince Andrew in 1960, Elizabeth became the first reigning Sovereign to have a child since Queen Victoria, who had her youngest child, Princess Beatrice, in 1857.
    
    
35. Elizabeth has 30 godchildren.
    
    
36. The first football match the Queen attended was the 1953 FA Cup Final.
    
    
37. She has taken the salute in every Trooping the Colour ceremony since the start of her reign, with the exception of 1955, when a national rail strike forced the cancellation of the parade.
    
    
38. The Queen has sat for 139 official portraits during her lifetime, two of which were with The Duke of Edinburgh. The most recent sitting was for Rolf Harris (2005) . She was just seven years old when she sat for her first portrait in 1933, which was commissioned by her mother and painted by the Hungarian artist Philip Alexius de Laszlo.
    
    
39. In 2003 she sat for the first and only hologram portrait.
    
    
40. There have been 11 sculptures of Elizabeth. The most recent was in 2005 by Angela Conner for St George's Chapel, Windsor.
    
    
41. The first 'Royal walkabout' took place during the visit by The Queen and Prince Philip to Australia and New Zealand in 1970. The practice was introduced to allow them to meet a greater number of people, not simply officials and dignitaries.
    
    
42. In 1969 the first television film about the family life of the Royal Family was made, and shown on the eve of the Investiture of Prince Charles as Prince of Wales.
    
    
43. An important innovation during her reign was the opening in 1962 of a new gallery at Buckingham Palace to display items from the Royal Collection. The brainchild of The Duke of Edinburgh, the new Queen's Gallery occupied the space of the Palace's bomb-damaged private chapel. It was the first time that parts of the Palace had been opened to the general public.
    
    
44. The only time the Queen has had to interrupt an overseas tour was in 1974 during a tour of Australia and Indonesia. She was called back from Australia when a general election was called suddenly. The Duke of Edinburgh continued the programme in Australia, and Elizabeth re-joined the tour in Indonesia.
    
    
45. She has opened Parliament every year except 1959 and 1963, when she was expecting Prince Andrew and Prince Edward respectively.
    
    
46. She went on her first State Visit as Princess Elizabeth, to South Africa with her mother and father, then King and Queen, from February to May 1947. The tour included Rhodesia and Bechuanaland, Swaziland and Basutoland (now Lesotho). The Princess celebrated her 21st birthday in Cape Town. Her first State Visit as Queen was technically to Kenya, as King George VI died and she acceded the throne during the tour. The tour had to be abandoned.
    
    
47. Her first Commonwealth tour began on November 24, 1953, and included visits to Bermuda, Jamaica, Panama, Fiji, Tonga, New Zealand, Australia, the Cocos Islands, Ceylon, Aden, Uganda, Libya, Malta and Gibraltar. The total distance covered was 70,196km.
    
    
48. In 1986 the Queen became the first British Monarch to visit China.
    
    
49. She has made a Christmas Broadcast to the Commonwealth every year of her reign except 1969, when a repeat of the film 'Royal Family' was shown and a written message from the Queen issued.
    
    
50. In 1953, she made the first Christmas Broadcast from overseas, (rather than from the UK), broadcasting live from New Zealand. The first televised broadcast was in 1957, made live. The first pre-recorded broadcast took place in 1960 to allow transmission around the world.
    
    
51. She sent a message of congratulations to Apollo 11 astronauts for the first moon landing on July 21, 1969 . The message was micro-filmed and deposited on the moon in a metal container.
    
    
52. The Queen has met (at Buckingham Palace) ... The first spaceman (Russian) Major Yuri Gagarin. The first woman in space (Russian) Valentina Tereschkova The first men on the moon (American) Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin as well as their Apollo 11 colleague Michael Collins.
    
    
53. She sent her first email in 1976 from a British Army base.
    
    
54. There have been six Archbishops of Canterbury during her reign (Archbishops Geoffrey Fisher, Michael Ramsey, Donald Coggan, Robert Runcie, George Carey and Rowan Williams).
    
    
55. History was made in 1982 when Pope John Paul II visited Britain, the first Pope to do so for 450 years. Elizabeth, Titular Head of the Church of England, received him at Buckingham Palace.
    
    
56. She first visited a mosque in the UK for the first time in Scunthorpe, Lincolnshire in July 2002.
    
    
57. The Queen has attended 50 Royal Maundy services during her reign at more than 39 different cathedrals. Elizabeth has only missed four services - two for official tours and two for the births of Prince Andrew and Prince Edward.
    
    
58. Elizabeth has owned more than 30 corgis during her reign, starting with Susan who was a present for her 18th birthday in 1944. A good proportion of these have been direct descendants from Susan. Elizabeth currently has five corgis, Emma, Linnet, Monty, Holly and Willow.
    
    
59. Elizabeth also introduced a new breed of dog known as the "dorgi" when one of Her Majesty's corgis was mated with a dachshund named Pipkin which belonged to Princess Margaret. Elizabeth currently has four dorgis, Cider, Berry, Candy and Vulcan.
    
    
60. As well as corgis and dorgis, the Queen also breeds and trains Labradors and Cocker Spaniels at Sandringham. There is a special Sandringham strain of black Labrador founded in 1911.
    
    
61. She takes a keen interest in horses and racing. Her first pony was given to her by her grandfather, King George V, when she was four years old. This was a Shetland pony called Peggy. Elizabeth continues to ride at Sandringham, Balmoral and Windsor.
    
    
62. The Queen also takes a keen interest in horse breeding. Horses bred at the Royal studs over the last 200 years have won virtually every major race in Britain. Elizabeth has about 25 horses in training each season.
    
    
63. Her racing colours are: purple body with gold braid, scarlet sleeves and black velvet cap with gold fringe.
    
    
64. She continues the Royal Family's long association with racing pigeons which began in 1886 when King Leopold II of Belgium made a gift of racing pigeons to the British Royal Family. In 1990, one of Elizabeth's birds took part in the Pau race, coming first in the Section 5th Open and was subsequently named "Sandringham Lightning". In recognition of her interest in the sport, the Queen is Patron of a number of racing societies, including the Royal Pigeon Racing Association.
    
    
65. The Queen and The Duke of Edinburgh were married on November 20, 1947 in Westminster Abbey. Her wedding dress was designed by Sir Norman Hartnell and was woven at Winterthur Silks Limited, Dunfermline, in the Canmore factory, using silk that had come from Chinese silkworms at Lullingstone Castle.
    
    
66. Her dressmakers over the years have included Sir Hardy Amies, Sir Norman Hartnell, Karl-Ludwig Couture and Maureen Rose. Elizabeth's milliners have been Frederick Fox, Philip Somerville and Marie O'Regan.
    
    
67. Her wedding ring was made from a nugget of Welsh gold which came from the Clogau St David's mine near Dolgellau. The official wedding cake was made by McVitie and Price Ltd, using ingredients given as a wedding gift by Australian Girl Guides.
    
    
68. The Queen has an extensive collection of jewellery, most of which are Crown Jewels, some inherited and some gifts, including the largest pink diamond in the world. Some well known pieces include; a brooch of diamonds forming a spray of wattle presented by the Australian Government in 1954; and a necklace of large square cut aquamarines and diamonds with earrings as a gift in Coronation year by the Ambassador of Brazil, which Elizabeth wore on the French State visit in 2004.
    
    
69. Elizabeth has laid her wreath at the Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday every year of her reign, except in 1959, 1961, 1963, 1968, 1983 and 1999 when she was either pregnant or overseas on an official visit.
    
    
70. She has visited the sets of a number of popular British soap operas including Coronation Street, East Enders and Emmerdale.
    
    
71. In 1997, she launched Buckingham Palace's first official website.
    
    
72. In 1998, Elizabeth introduced "theme days" to promote and celebrate aspects of British culture. The first theme day was "City Day" focusing on financial institutions. Other themes have included Publishing, Broadcasting, Tourism, Emergency Services, Maritime Day, Music, Young Achievers, British Design, and Pioneers.
    
    
73. In June, 2002, the Queen hosted the first public concerts in the garden of Buckingham Palace to celebrate her Golden Jubilee. She attended both the classical and pop concerts. The "Party at the Palace" pop concert was one of the most watched pop concerts in history, attracting around 200 million viewers all over the world.
    
    
74. She is the first member of the Royal Family to be awarded a gold disc from the recording industry. 100,000 copies of the CD of the "Party at the Palace", produced by EMI, were sold within the first week of release.
    
    
75. She hosted the first women's only event "Women of Achievement" at Buckingham Palace in March 2004.
    
    
76. In November 2004, Elizabeth invited the cast of Les Miserables in the West End to perform for French President Jacques Chirac at Windsor Castle. It was the first time the cast of a West End musical had performed at a Royal residence.
    
    
77. As a young girl, Elizabeth acted in a number of pantomimes during the Second World War including playing Prince Florizel in Cinderella in 1941. The productions took place every year in the Waterloo Chamber at Windsor Castle.
    
    
78. In 2005, she claimed ownership of 88 cygnets on the river Thames. They are looked after by the Swan Marker. The first Royal Swan Keeper was appointed around the 12th Century.
    
    
79. Technically the Queen still owns the sturgeons, whales and dolphins in the waters around the UK. A statute from 1324, at the time of the reign of King Edward II, states that: "Also the King shall have . whales and sturgeons taken in the sea or elsewhere within the realm." This statute is still valid today, and sturgeons, porpoises, whales and dolphins are recognised as "Fishes Royal". When captured within three miles of UK shores, or washed ashore either dead or alive, they may be claimed on behalf of the Crown. Generally, when brought into port, a sturgeon is sold in the usual way, and the purchaser, as a gesture of loyalty, requests the honour of its being accepted by Elizabeth.
    
    
80. In summer 2005, she opened the first children's trail in the Buckingham Palace garden for the Summer Opening.

80 More Things You (Probably) Didn't Know About Queen Elizabeth

1. The Queen's handbag contains a Nintendo Gameboy Advance, an irreplaceable 77-year old Steiff bear called 'Mister Fuzzy Wuzzy', 'The Little Book of Chavspeak', and (in case Tony Blair calls round for tea), some Clorets.
   
   
2. Queen Elizabeth can order a pint of bitter in 8 languages ...English, of course, and French ("Je voudrais un biere brune, s'il vous plait), German ("Kännte Sie ein Glas dunkles Bier bekommen?"), Greek ("Epithymoume ena potiri pikrou zythou?"), Italian ("Posso avere una pinta di birra amara, per favore?"), Dutch ("Mogen haar een glas donker bier bekomen?"), Bulgarian ("Moje li edna bira, molya?"), and Mandarin Chinese ("Ning neng gei wo yi bei hei piju ma").
   
   
3. Windsor Castle is actually made from 11,779,953 breezeblocks covered in artificial stone-cladding she bought from the Iver branch of Wickes in the summer sales of 1939.
   
   
4. During the Golden Jubilee 'Party at the Palace' gig in 2002, it was actually Her Majesty herself standing on the roof of Buckingham Palace playing the National Anthem on an electric guitar, wearing a Brian May wig that she borrowed from Anita Dobson. (The ultimate Queen tribute act!)
   
   
5. The Queen has said "...and what do you do?" 1,793,766 times in her lifetime. (14,962 of these times, it was to Prince Charles!)
   
   
6. She recently acquired 16 more corgis, named Darren, Sharron, Jordan, Wayne, Chantelle, Preston, Legolas, Gimli, Gloin, Camilla, Geri, Sven, Cherie, Gizzard Puke, Fagin, and Fifi-Trixibelle. She is allergic to cats.
   
   
7. In 1995, she had a minor bit-part in EastEnders, in which she played Dirty Den's Aunt Mildred.
   
   
8. The Queen co-wrote, and did the drum-machine programming for, the 1979 Sister Sledge hit 'We Are Family'.
   
   
9. She usually wins at Trivial Pursuit, at Scrabble by at least 200 points, can finish a Rubik's Cube in 55 seconds flat, and fill a 9x9 Suduko puzzle in around 3-4 minutes. She doesn't, however, understand the difference between an anagram and an acronym.
   
   
10. Her Majesty is a fully-qualified B.S.A.C. Advanced Scuba-Diving instructor. In 1971-1972, she was a member of Hampstead Sub-Aqua Club's octopush (a sort of underwater hockey) team.
    
    
11. In 1991 she fitted the royal yacht Britannia with a burglar alarm that plays 'Colonel Bogey', 'The Campdown Races', and 'La Cucaracha'.
    
    
12. After the November 1992 fire at Windsor Castle, in order to finance restoration, The Queen had to pawn her favourite sceptre at the Slough branch of Cash Converters for £500,000. Retrieving it 15 months later cost her £569,191.75 inc. VAT.
    
    
13. In 1985, The Queen, Prince Philip and The Band of The Coldstream Guards recorded a heartfelt cover version of Renee and Renato's 'Save Your Love'. It got to number 59 in the Greek charts, where it was runner-up in the voting to be Greece's Eurovision entry.
    
    
14. In 1994, The Queen deputised for her lookalike Jeanette Charles at the opening of a shop at Heathrow Terminal 1, when Mrs Charles was suffering from influenza. Nobody noticed the difference.
    
    
15. She is a talented ukulele player and does convincing George Formby and Tessie O'Shea impressions.
    
    
16. For his Christmas gift, she always gets Prince Philip 3 pairs of Marks and Spencer Y-Fronts, in sky blue with white piping.
    
    
17. She sips her nightly Ovaltine from an original 1953 Coronation mug.
    
    
18. She always sucks a lemon during public appearances, so as to maintain the correct facial expression.
    
    
19. Her favourite football team is Millwall, where she often mingles anonymously with the riff-raff during matches. She has a rear-window sticker in the royal coach which says:
    
    "NO-ONE LIKES ONE...ONE DOESN'T CARE!"
    
    
20. When, on November 14th 1948, the then Princess Elizabeth gave birth to Prince Charles, he had to be dragged out by the ears.
    
    
21. In 1958/1959 her husband taught her Zorba's Dance so that they could entertain the other royals at family get-togethers.
    
    
22. Her all-time 3 favourite tunes are:
    1. 'The Girl From Ipanema' by Astrud Gilberto.
    2. Wilson Pickett's '634-5789'
    3. 'Gimme All Your Lovin' by ZZ Top.
    
    
23. Her 5 favourite films are:
    1. Reservoir Dogs
    2. The Life Of Brian
    3. Forrest Gump
    4. Bean
    5. This Is Spinal Tap
    
    
24. If on her day off, she likes nothing better than to lounge around in her Levi 501s and her 'A Kind Of Magic - Queen World Tour 1986' T-shirt, reading Viz magazine until 12.00am.
    
    
25. When she got married, her wedding dress had 767 I.O.O.s* pinned to it. (* I Owe One).
    
    
26. At the reception after Prince Edward and Sophie's wedding (June 19th 1999) the Queen had to restrain her husband in order to prevent him from smashing the 'Princess Diana 1961-1997' commemorative plates that the starters were served on.
    
    
27. Her Majesty has The Prodigy's 'Smack My Bitch Up' as a ringtone on her mobile. (Which has a flag of St. George replacement front that she bought for £3.50 from a car boot sale in Reading).
    
    
28. In the late 1970s/early 1980s, the Queen was an avid CB Radio enthusiast, and her "handle" was "Ms. Liz".
    
    
29. She won £25,000 on a lottery scratchcard in 1998. She spent the winnings on a secondhand fur coat as a present for her mother.
    
    
30. The Queen had to intervene in both 2003 and 2004 to prevent Prince Harry being issued with an ASBO. It was more recently necessary for her to admonish the ginger-haired, infantile little imbecile herself. Livid, she told him she might well accept his bizarre Nazi uniform indiscretion, and even his drunken attack on a photographer, but that giving lamb vindaloo to the corgis was unforgivable, and that he would have to re-imburse her in full for the hall carpet cleaning bill.
    
    
31. She has an allotment in Barnet, Hertfordshire, where she grows carrots and tomatoes which she sells to Prince Charles for his 'Duchy Originals' products.
    
    
32. On March 19th. 1974, The Queen appeared on Top Of The Pops, dressed as Madame Cholet, performing 'Remember You're A Womble'.
    
    
33. In 1999, she was invited to appear as a host on "Have I Got News For You", but had to decline, due to the fact that she had an acupuncture session that evening.
    
    
34. Queen Elizabeth is distantly related to Lemmy from Motorhead on her mother's side.
    
    
35. In 1972, still simmering from The Beatles handing their OBEs back, The Queen sued John Lennon and Paul McCartney for a cut of the royalties on the song 'Her Majesty' from the 1969 Beatles album 'Abbey Road'. The case was settled out of court, Lennon and McCartney agreeing to pay her a one-off sum of £235,000.
    
    
36. She never watches her own Christmas broadcasts on TV as she feels that "The camera doesn't flatter one."
    
    
37. In the late 1940's, disguised in blonde wigs, she, Margaret Thatcher and Zsa-Zsa Gabor used to have girlie nights out at the Hammersmith Palais.
    
    
38. She has her own karaoke machine and loves to sing 'One's Way', 'One Will Survive', and The Crazy Frog's 'Axel F'. She is currently taking rap lessons from Eminem and MC Hammer, in order to keep-up with trends, animate her speeches, and raise her "street cred".
    
    
39. Her 'Mastermind' specialist subject would be 'The life and works of Ludwig Wittgenstein, 1889-1951'.
    
    
40. She hates waste, inefficiency and extravagance, and hands her clothes down to Princess Anne, who then hands them down to her horses.
    
    
41. Because of the size of her residences, she and Philip whizz along the corridors on roller-blades with matching helmets.
    
    
42. Her waxwork figure is often loaned out by Madame Tussaud's to sit in the Royal box at Command Performances while she stays home and watches Coronation Street. Prince Philip once spoke to it for a full 30 minutes before realising. If at Command Performances, her waving duties are usually performed by a false arm operated by Rod Hull.
    
    
43. In 1996, in ill-health, she turned down a £1,200,000 offer to star in 'Mrs Brown', so the part was given to Dame Judi Dench instead. She has since asked to be considered should there be a sequel, providing that Billy Connolly is in it again.
    
    
44. She is learning how to curtsey, for her next audience with Great Britain's First Lady, Cherie Blair.
    
    
45. Her Majesty can recite by heart the entire script to the 1975 Fawlty Towers episode 'The Germans'.
    
    
46. Before travelling up for her annual highland stay in Balmoral, she watches the film 'Trainspotting' several times to brush-up on the local vernacular.
    
    
47. Like Saddam Hussein, she has several decoy lookalikes, which is why every official portrait of her is different and she has been seen in Harrods, 7-11 and Asda at the same time.
    
    
48. She derives immense amusement from flipping a 50-pence coin and saying: "Me or tails?"
    
    
49. In Buckingham Palace, The Queen has an underground swimming pool, Jacuzzi and ice-rink (on which Torville and Dean practised their 'Bolero'). There is also a network of tunnels leading to 12 secret locations, for use in the event of an invasion of the Palace by hostile forces and the paparazzi.
    
    
50. Her Majesty has a 26-stone Japanese masseur (who is also a sumo wrestler) who does her astrological charts. Prince Philip has a Scandinavian masseuse who looks a bit like Agnetha Faltskog and who teaches him Abba songs. His favourite is 'Dancing Queen'. The Queen and her husband have been to see the Abba musical 'Mamma Mia' 147 times.
    
    
51. The Queen is a proficient clog dancer and has 179 pairs of hand-carved clogs. Quite often, the Palace chandeliers will rattle and the servants will be heard to say: "Dear me, 'er Maj is doin' 'er Riverdance thingy again!"
    
    
52. Diana, the Princess of Wales bequeathed her collection of 225 self-signed CDs to Her Majesty, who has become rather partial to a bit of DuranDuran, Wham!, Cliff Richard, Imagination, and Milli Vanilli.
    
    
53. The Queen goes to pilates classes from 3.30 'til 4.30 every Wednesday at Slough Leisure Centre, (the Senior Citizens 1/2 price hour) and has been trying to get Camilla to join her, to no avail.
    
    
54. During the vital 1998 England versus Argentina World Cup match, when David Beckham kicked Diego Simeone, The Queen, who was watching on television, angrily sprang to her feet and exclaimed "Orf with his head!". It isn't known if she was referring to Beckham or to Simeone.
    
    
55. The Queen has a magnificent collection of 176,511 beermats dating back to circa 1940-1945.
    
    
56. Her Majesty has only ever missed one episode of Ant'n'Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, (August 31st, 2002), when 'Star Trek' and 'Seven Brides For Seven Brothers' was on the other side, and the video recorder was playing up a bit, as Prince Edward had gleefully inserted a marmite sandwich into it.
    
    
57. There is nothing Her Majesty likes better than a day trip to Margate for a paddle in the sea. In 1931, 'Lilibet' pretended to be King Canute and ordered the tide not to come in. This resulted in her being washed out to sea, still in her deck-chair. She was rescued by a lifeguard who said: "Don't I know you from somewhere?"
    
    
58. She has been playing the piano since she was 11, and does a fair rendition of 'Great Balls Of Fire'.
    
    
59. During half-time of the 1966 World Cup Final at Wembley Stadium, London, in the German dressing room, The Queen played keepy-uppy with the match ball for 14 minutes and 23 seconds...a total of 1,296 consecutive kicks and 23 headers.
    
    
60. In 1979, the American President, Jimmy Carter, claiming to be an Earl (which was, in fact, merely his middle name) proposed marriage to her.
    
    
61. In 1999, The Queen bought her 'Spitting Image' puppet on eBay (for £1,793.00 plus £29.95 shipping) from a gentleman in Des Moines, Iowa, and keeps it on the window-sill in the Royal Privy at Balmoral.
    
    
62. In August 1990, she recorded a version of "Don't Go Breaking One's Heart" for inclusion on the Elton John/Bernie Taupin tribute album 'Two Rooms' (Mercury Records 845 749-2). It wasn't released because the engineer, Trevor Horn, afterwards noticed on tape the sound of corgis running around in the studio.
    
    
63. The Queen has a prodigious talent for mental arithmetic, and often astounds dinner guests by suddenly saying (for example): "Well I never! One has been orn this planet for precisely 41,916,600 minutes!". Her husband invariably produces an electronic calculator from somewhere, and, after checking, cries: "By George, the old girl is right! 41,916,600 minutes indeed! Amazing, Liz!". She will then reply, smiling, "No, Pheeleep...it's now 41,916,602 minutes!" ...which is invariably greeted by hoots of sycophantic, ingratiating laughter from the dinner guests and various minions.
    
    
64. During a state visit to Canada in 1979, The Queen played a game of snooker against the late Bill Werbeniuk, in which she accidently tore the baize. It was reported in the Canadian media that she was so embarrassed that she swore, but what she actually said was "Oh, is it rucked? How sad Bill looks!"
    
    
65. The Royal Family are all great Country'n'Western fans and have the occasional theme evening where they must dress in jeans, stetson hats and check shirts, and the Queen puts on the 'Achy Breaky Heart' 12-inch and leads them in a line-dance in the corridors. The only exception is her incorrigible husband, who insists on doing the conga instead. (He tags onto the line dancers).
    
    
66. In 2005, she designed, for Prince Harry, his first racing colours. These are: Light blue top with a white "tick" motif, navy blue trousers with two vertical white stripes on each leg, and a beige cap with black, white and red horizontal and vertical stripes.
    
    
67. The Queen is inundated by an annual average 130 imperial tons of commercial junk mail, mostly from Stannah offering stair-lift installation, "Tom Champagne" from Readers' Digest, and SAGA, offering holidays for the over 50s.
    
    
68. The Queen is a huge fan of BBC Radio 2's 'Wake Up To Wogan', considers herself and the Duke of Edinburgh "togs", and on occasion sends "Sir" Terry a letter for broadcast, under the pseudonym of 'Erin Dawes'.
    
    
69. William Hill are offering current odds of 500-1 on The Queen sending herself a centenary telegram in 2026.
    
    
70. When Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson got engaged (March 19th, 1986) The Queen bought them a present of matching ermine slippers embroidered in 9-carat gold with the intertwined initials F and A.
    
    
71. In 1961, The Queen joined the Highland Light Infantry for a day, during which she ran 13 miles with a 35-pound kitbag on her back, crawled in the mud under barbed wire, swam across a 30ft. wide river, and climbed a 10ft high wall. Princess Margaret was also there...she meanwhile smoked 150 cigarettes and drank 2 bottles of Smirnoff in the Officers' Mess.
    
    
72. In 1977, Tommy Cooper let her try his fez for size..and she couldn't resist saying "Just like that!".
    
    
73. Queen Elizabeth and her husband on occasion slip out unnoticed for a meal at their favourite restaurant, the 'Millennium Star of New Delhi' curry house, at 156 Bath Road, Maidenhead (tel 01628-729441 / 776337). He invariably criticizes the wiring.
    
    
74. In 2005 she accidently trod on corgi Sven (causing all his hair to fall out), fell over, and dropped her tiara, which, alas, dislodged a £100,000 diamond, which was then swallowed by corgi Wayne. She had to wait 2 days for nature to take its course before the gem could be retrieved, cleaned, and pasted on again.
    
    
75. In 1986, she registered a new, distinctive breed with the Kennel Club, a cross between a feist and a corgi. (It's called a fergi).
    
    
76. During her recent Australian visit in March 2006, John Howard gave her a crown with corks-on-string hanging off it. She wasn't amused.
    
    
77. She is an avid watcher of 'The Catherine Tate Show', and has, in recent months, developed a habit of sauntering along the Palace's corridors with a nonchalant air, shouting to everybody that she sees, "Bovvered? BOVVERED? One ain't bovvered!! Look at the hand!!" etc.
    
    
78. She gets irate with her husband if he refers to her as "a dashed splendid old filly!"
    
    
79. Prince Philip and "the trouble and strife" often have cockney rhyming slang fun evenings-in.
    
    
80. For her 80th. birthday (April 21st, 2006), her husband, 85, treated her to a nice night in, with a regular-size (12-inch), deep-pan, stuffed-crust cheese-and-tomato pizza, 4 slices of plain garlic bread, a 125ml tub of vanilla flavour ice-cream, and a 1.5-litre bottle of Coca-Cola (delivered free, £12.99 with a Daily Mirror £2.00-off voucher) from the Pizza Hut, Staines branch (tel. 01784-454095). He gave the girl a £1.50 tip.

806

[This anagram of Wilfred Owen's poem in a similar theme also contains a relevant constraint: Reading down each line's 3rd word in the anagram poem results in a quote attributed to General Robert E. Lee.]

Wilfred Owen's Anthem for Doomed Youth

What passing-bells for these who die as cattle?
Only the monstrous anger of the guns.
Only the stuttering rifles' rapid rattle
Can patter out their hasty orisons.
No mockeries now for them; no prayers nor bells;
Nor any voice of mourning save the choirs,
The shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells;
And bugles calling for them from sad shires.

What candles may be held to speed them all?
Not in the hands of boys but in their eyes
Shall shine the holy glimmers of good-byes.
The pallor of girls' brows shall be their pall;
Their flowers the tenderness of patient minds,
And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds.

The Soldier's Death

So long. It drapes me, death's unholy stench.
My crypt is in this putrid, muddy trench.
Begone. Be well. I shall not bear to be
A veteran, that simply isn't me.
Who needs war-medals, shining on the shelf,
If 'Selfless' is in fact my loss of self?
The enemy so near, I'd soon embrace
This darkness terrible, but full of grace...
How daft or merely innocent it was
To hope we battled for this global cause.
Oh, I should learn: All flesh is only grass
Which blades grow higher when the dead amass.
I think too many men, and proper ones,
Were rather fond of horror, thrills or guns...
How droll of them. No, only love stands strong.
I grasp it now, the truth of life... So long.

["It is well that war is so terrible or we should grow too fond of it."]

807

[Francis Heaney's 'Holy Tango of Literature' is a book which revolves around the question: "What would happen if poets and playwrights wrote works whose titles were anagrams of their names?" Below is the Oscar Wilde segment, anagrammed into 3 similar renditions by authors who were 'left out' of the original anthology...]

IRS LAW CODE
OSCAR WILDE

Dramatis Personae:
SADLER HIGGINBOTHAM, an auditor for the Internal Revenue Service
AMBROSE PECK, a taxpayer

SADLER: (handing his card to Ambrose) Good afternoon to you, sir.
AMBROSE: And to you.
SADLER: I trust you know the reason for this visit.
AMBROSE: I do indeed. May I offer you some refreshment?
SADLER: That is most generous of you.
AMBROSE: It is easy to be generous when one is already expecting to lose a great deal of money. Your tea.
SADLER: Thank you. But you neednÍt be as pessimistic as that. I am merely here to clarify a few minor tax matters which occasioned question.
AMBROSE: It has been my experience that clarification never works in my favor. Why is it, for example, that whenever one has finally found an agreeable female dinner companion, invariably one is asked to clarify oneÍs feelings about her? It makes a simple relationship so dreadfully awkward. SADLER: IÍm afraid such questions are out of my purview. But shall we begin?
AMBROSE: I regretfully expect we shall.
SADLER: YouÍve taken rather a lot of deductions here.
AMBROSE: I can explain every last one.
SADLER: IÍm sure you can, and moreÍs the pity. ThereÍs nothing quite so suspicious as having an explanation for something.
AMBROSE: Well, if you would rather not hear them, I am only too happy not to provide them.
SADLER: No, no. It is my burden and I must bear up under it. Now then--these travel expenses.
AMBROSE: Oh, those are quite fraudulent.
SADLER: You surprise me, sir. I thought you had explanations for all these items?
AMBROSE: I do. But not all of them are true.
SADLER: Your honesty does you credit.
AMBROSE: The travel expenses in particular are one of my most extravagant concoctions. You will find that I have claimed business trips to several cities which do not, in point of fact, exist.
SADLER: Really? I confess my expertise in geography is lacking.
AMBROSE: That is only polite. For a man to excel in both mathematics and geography is quite intolerable. It bespeaks a promiscuous nature.
SADLER: How true. Well, it is of no consequence if the cities are fictional. The Internal Revenue Service is not in the business of mapmaking. All that concerns me is whether the trips were business-related.
AMBROSE: I can honestly say that I did nothing on any of those trips that was not business.
SADLER: Very conscientious of you. Are any of the other deductions false?
AMBROSE: It seems as if some of them must be, but my faculty for invention is really quite remarkable. Whatever entries may be false, even I can no longer discern which they are.
SADLER: In that case, let us leave the deductions for a moment.
AMBROSE: Leave them as long as you please.
SADLER: I gather that you are a bachelor.
AMBROSE: I do not deny the fact.
SADLER: How is it, then, that you come by so many dependents?
AMBROSE: My dear fellow, I do not come by them. They come by me. Or, more accurately, my house. They generally appear just before teatime, the scavengers, and invite themselves to stay. Alternatively, they will lurk on the pavement and pounce just as I attempt to board my carriage for dinner. Before I know it, IÍm standing them three courses and drinks. SADLER: I well know the type. Sadly, such people--as trying as they are--do not fit the legal definition of a dependent.
AMBROSE: How nettlesome!
SADLER: It pains me deeply to be the bearer of such news.
AMBROSE: Is there no remedy you can suggest?
SADLER: Well--of course it will make no difference on last yearÍs return--but you might consider adopting the acquaintances in question.
AMBROSE: Adopt those parasites! I had rather adopt a wood tick.
SADLER: Merely a suggestion.
AMBROSE: Although, were I to adopt them, all my good old friends would suddenly be my good-for-nothing wards. I mean to say, only a cad turns away a friend in need, but fathers are always giving their sons stern speeches about standing on their own two feet. You may have something there after all. SADLER: It gratifies me to hear it. Sadly, the deductions must still be removed.
AMBROSE: Not to worry. Once I have cut off my impecunious relations-to-be, the money I shall save on dinners should more than make up the difference. Shall I expect a bill by the morning post?
SADLER: You overestimate our efficiency considerably. Besides, given that we shall be charging you interest for your underpayment, it hardly behooves us to bill you promptly.
AMBROSE: Indeed. Compound it how you will; I consider it a gratuity for advice well given.
SADLER: (collecting his hat and coat) Should you find yourself in any similar predicaments, do not hesitate to call on me. My experience in the field is great. I have found, for instance, that hiring a troublesome friend as an employee is a sound method of ensuring that one never sees that person again, and offers several tax benefits as well. AMBROSE: How fascinating! I feel certain we shall find occasion to speak again soon. It has been a great pleasure.
SADLER: I wholeheartedly concur.
AMBROSE: Good afternoon to you.
SADLER: And congratulations to you.
AMBROSE: Congratulations?
SADLER: On becoming a father, of course. (They laugh.) Good afternoon.

(Ambrose shuts the door behind Sadler.)

AMBROSE: I now realise the importance of declaring earnings!

=

SUDSERS
DR. SEUSS

Can we discuss
some lovely soaps?

We can't discuss
some silly soaps.
I do not like them,
Daytime Dope.

Shall we catch 'Passions'
on the box?
Or would you rather
flip to FOX?

I won't catch 'Passions'
on the box.
I *would* much rather
flip to FOX.
I do not like your crummy soaps.
I do not like them, Daytime Dope!

Will 'Young & Restless'
fit your mood?
My mother says
it's really good.

No, 'Young & Restless' is quite crass,
So tell your mom I'll have to pass.
Both it and 'Passions' are a pain
And urge me to turn off my brain.
I do not like your crummy soaps!
Go ramble elsewhere, Daytime Dope!

'All My Children',
would you dare?
'All My Children',
on this chair?

Please, 'All My Children'? Very lame...
Not even worth a drinking game.
I'm sorry if I'm unreserved,
But you are getting on my nerves.
So take your 'Restless' - 'Passions' too -
And bother Horton Hears A Who.
I do not like your crummy soaps,
Now cease your babble, Daytime Dope!

And 'Melrose Place'? Quite sexy stuff.
Come on, let's watch it in the buff!

No 'Melrose Place'! The actors blow,
Plus it was cancelled years ago.
And as for baring all, I fear
I do not swing that way, my dear.
No 'Passions', 'Restless', 'A.M.C.',
All sudsers bug me! Let me be!
I do not like your crummy soaps,
So off you go then, Daytime Dope!

'Days of Our Lives'! It's on the air!
Try once, and then I'll leave, I swear.
...Say! I LOVE 'Days of Our Lives'!
A shame its ratings took a dive,
But I will watch it on the air
And with your mom, and on this chair,
And maybe even in the buff.
What an engaging piece of fluff!
I'll always catch it on the box
And never *ever* flip to FOX.
I like 'Days of Our Lives' a lot...
That Christie Clark is really hot!

POOCHLESS
SOPHOCLES

[Enter TEIRESIAS, led by a labrador.]

OEDIPUS
Teiresias, sightless seer of everything!
Creon, the brother to my queen, and I
Must bring before thee a most urgent plea.
Not many days agone, a fatal crash
Bereaved me of a loyal terrier;
To lift a Theban curse, I must unearth
The murderer of my beloved dog.
Do call upon thy gift to cure us all!

TEIRESIAS
Alas, alas, I cannot! Let me leave,
Lest what I know and say defeats us both.

OEDIPUS
Reveal thy secret claim! Be vain no more.

TEIRESIAS
Not vain, but craven at the face of truth.

OEDIPUS
Art thou a Theban patriot or not?
What means thy cruel betrayal? Tell me now!

TEIRESIAS
Thou art the man who slew thine animal.

OEDIPUS
Fallacious traitor!

CREON
                         Let him say his piece.

OEDIPUS
Creon, thou always wert a man of cats!
I'm weary of Teiresias and thou both.
I'll buy another mutt, a mix of breeds,
And name it Wayne or Fido. Maybe Rex.

TEIRESIAS
No more of them! The gods declared a ban.
From this day on, Thebes must be canine-free!

OEDIPUS
A labrador is by thy side!
TEIRESIAS
                                    I'm blind.

OEDIPUS
Sirrah, for every query a reply...
But *I* alone replied the Sphinx, not thou.

TEIRESIAS
Forgive me, Oedipus, that tale's too vague.

OEDIPUS
My tale evaded thine all-seeing eyes?
They also failed thee when the monster posed
A question that could baffle deities:
"What creature in the morning goes on four,
At noon on two, and in the eve on three?"
At once I came upon the true retort,
It was: "A man-obeying, well-trained dog"...
But O! My roar contained a fearsome tone,
For when I said my first two words, "A man-",
The monster fled! Now do the same; Begone.

CREON
I cannot bear thy bark of bitter grief!
A brutal fate awaits to bite thy rear.

[Exeunt TEIRESIAS and CREON. Enter MESSENGER.]

MESSENGER
My liege! A second messenger arrives.

OEDIPUS
Not much of an announcement. He comes now.

[Enter SECOND MESSENGER.]

SECOND MESSENGER
My liege! I see another man draw near.

OEDIPUS
What are these taunts? Have I no eyes nor ears?!

[Enter THIRD MESSENGER.]

THIRD MESSENGER
My liege!

OEDIPUS
              Bring news, or suffer death by axe.

THIRD MESSENGER
Yea, I bring news, but of a grievous sort.
A servant fixed thy faulty chariot
But found a collar clinging to a wheel.

OEDIPUS
Those spikes! It all proved true, and I have slain
My terrier, a pet for many years,
My one true friend! I cannot bear it all.
Curse an annoyance of a canine-ban!

[Exeunt.]

CHORUS
Aha! That heavy hand of fate!
We'd quail and quiver at a date
That birthed a fierce Divine Decree.
Can Thebes endure if canine-free?

[Enter MESSENGER.]

MESSENGER
I come to frame a most horrific scene,
Lone Oedipus, so overcome by grief,
Employed that blood-stained collar's many spikes
And stabbed his eyeballs! Oh, in seconds time
A gory torrent emanated forth;
A certain substance streaming out in... Halt!
My story proves too horrid for the scribe!
I hope none read it in a future school.

CHORUS
O, 'tis a sullen tale! We fear to look.

[Enter OEDIPUS.]

OEDIPUS
Ah woe is me! For I am blinded too...
But notably, the blind need leading-pets.
I crave a beagle! Fetch me one, but first,
Please boil Teiresias and his pet in oil.

[Exeunt.]

A HONK JEST
JOHN KEATS

O Harpo! Were I cheerful as thou art -
Not in mute splendour forced to act charades,
And riding, silent, on a serving cart
To chase a very anxious chambermaid.
The moving fingers on thy harp can play,
Yet thou, O funnyman, can only mime
Or cross thine eyes in an amusing way
Or fling banana peels to foil a crime...
No--yet still quiet, still a speechless man,
Employ that tooting staff against thy leg
To make me snort as only Marxes can
By ordering another hard boiled egg;
Still, still I hear, till early rays of morn,
The blares and honks of thine exquisite horn.

808

MANDALAY
by
Rudyard Kipling

By the old Moulmein Pagoda, lookin' eastward to the sea,
There's a Burma girl a-settin', and I know she thinks o' me;
For the wind is in the palm-trees, and the temple-bells they say;
"Come you back, you British Soldier; come you back to Mandalay!"
Come you back to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay;
Can't you 'ear their paddles clunkin' from Rangoon to Mandalay?
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin'-fishes play,
An' the dawn comes up like thunder outer China 'crost the Bay!

'Er petticoat was yaller an' 'er little cap was green,
An' 'er name was Supi-Yaw-Lat jes' the same as Theebaw's Queen,
An' I seed her first a-smokin' of a whackin' white cheroot,
An' wastin' Christian kisses on an 'eathen idol's foot:
Bloomin' idol made o' mud--
Wot they called the Great Gawd Budd--
Plucky lot she cared for idols when I kissed 'er where she stud!
On the road to Mandalay ...

When the mist was on the rice-fields an' the sun was droppin' slow,
She'd git 'er little banjo an' she'd sing "Kulla-la-lo!"
With 'er arm upon my shoulder an' 'er cheek again my cheek
We useter watch the steamers an' the hathis pilin' teak.
Elephants a-piling teak
In the sludgy, squdgy creek,
Where the silence 'ung that 'eavy you was 'arf afraid to speak!
On the road to Mandalay ...


But that's all shove be'ind me -- long ago and fur away,
An' there ain't no buses runnin' from the Bank to Mandalay;
An' I'm learnin' 'ere in London what the ten-year soldier tells:
"If you've 'eard the East a-callin', you won't never 'eed naught else."
No! you won't 'eed nothin' else
But them spicy garlic smells,
An' the sunshine an' the palm-trees an' the tinkly temple-bells;
On the road to Mandalay ...

I am sick 'o wastin' leather on these gritty pavin'-stones,
An' the blasted English drizzle wakes the fever in my bones;
Tho' I walks with fifty 'ousemaids outer Chelsea to the Strand,
An' they talks a lot o' lovin', but wot do they understand?
Beefy face an' grubby 'and--
Law! wot do they understand?
I've a neater, sweeter maiden in a cleaner, greener land!
On the road to Mandalay . . .

Ship me somewheres east of Suez, where the best is like the worst,
Where there ain't no Ten Commandments an' a man can raise a thirst;
For the temple-bells are callin', and it's there that I would be--
By the old Moulmein Pagoda, looking lazy at the sea;
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay,
With our sick beneath the awnings when we went to Mandalay!
On the road to Mandalay,
Where the flyin'-fishes play,
An' the dawn comes up like thunder outer China 'crost the Bay!

TO SHELLENA
(A Poet's Tale)

On the road off Croydon High Street, headin' eastward to the square,
There's a little Indian restaurant that lies situated there;
And the menu on the window tells the prices that you'll pay;
With a note that says 'You're Welcome To Eat-in Or Take Away!'
In The Mandalay Bombay,
Open every single day,
Where you smell tandoori wafting, from the ovens made of clay,
As you go down Croydon way,
To The Mandalay Bombay,
Where the meals come up like thunder, outta kitchens, on tin trays.

Her sari it was purple an' a rose was in 'er hair,
And 'er name it was Shellena, and she was a waitress there,
An' I saw 'er smilin' kindly at a man that she was servin',
An' wastin' 'er politeness on that bloke who weren't deservin',
He was such a bloomin' drip,
Wanted ruddy egg 'n' chips!
Plucky lot 'e cared about the beauty of Shellena,
In The Mandalay Bombay...

When I'd muddled through the menu, I would wait a little while,
Then she'd come on up to see me with a pencil an' a smile,
An' just to keep 'er talkin' I would ask 'er for advice,
Then she'd suggest a tasteful dish, with egg and pilau rice
An' one nan bread in the price!
An' a glass of rather nice
Neat Indian beer, all cool 'n' clear and just like liquid ice!
In the Mandalay Bombay...

That's all pushed be'ind me now, and prob'ly for the best,
And there ain't no bus that runs from South of France to Croydon West,
And I'm learning 'ere in St.Tropez about cuisine, French style,
But if you've seen The Mandalay and 'ad their tarka dall,
An' seen Shellena's dazzling smile,
Then there's nothing else worthwhile,
And the chicken tikka platter is the best for ruddy miles!
In The Mandalay Bombay ...

Oh, I'm sick of snails 'n' frog-legs and the other Frenchie 'perks',
And the reason that I stay's because they sent me 'ere to work,
Though, thank God, I'm due to go home in another fifteen weeks,
Though the mam'selles in St Tropez are all pretty, they ain't meek,
And don't turn the other cheek,
Unlike she that's called Shellena, and who makes me knees go weak,
In the Mandalay Bombay ...

Take me back to Croydon's alleyways and to that hallowed hall,
Where Shellena's smile awaits me and red paper lines the walls,
For the tarka dall's a-callin' and the window notes still say,
'Hello!' and, 'You're all welcome to eat-in or take away!'
In The Mandalay Bombay,
Open every single day,
Where you smell tandoori wafting from the ovens made of clay;
As you go down Croydon way,
To The Mandalay Bombay,
Where the meals come up like thunder, outta kitchens, on tin trays.

809

[Shakespeare's weather-themed sonnet is anagrammed into a series of 4 seasonal sonnets, each with its fitting acrostic. Enjoy!]

To me, fair friend, you never can be old,
For as you were when first your eye I eyed,
Such seems your beauty still. Three winters cold,
Have from the forests shook three summers' pride,
Three beauteous springs to yellow autumn turned,
In process of the seasons have I seen,
Three April perfumes in three hot Junes burned,
Since first I saw you fresh, which yet are green.
Ah! yet doth beauty like a dial-hand,
Steal from his figure, and no pace perceived;
So your sweet hue, which methinks still doth stand,
Hath motion, and mine eye may be deceived:
For fear of which, hear this thou age unbred:
Ere you were born was beauty's summer dead.

=

Such lust you wake with sunlight as your suit!
Unyielding rays gave you their glow, it seems.
My raw desire, once this bashful fruit,
Matured and ripened under fervent beams.
Endure, Oh cheery fire-sprite of June!
Relieve this heart bewitched with moody air;
Breathe in your kiss the awesome heat of dunes
To soothe my cheeks, then tease them with your hair.
Don't hide away or fear this fevered dare;
Can heaven reach you if you merely yearn?
None can repress the force of passion's flare;
If we were doomed to burn, then let us burn!
Come, flame, consume these bodies firmly pressed -
Beneath the ash, our seed should prosper best.

As fierce September winds of early morn
Unleash their murmurs to the misty air,
Their northbound puffs, with impudence and scorn,
Unravelling your finely-braided hair,
My peace becomes one troubled reverie.
Now that the summer cheer, so brief, has faded,
I see your comely features, once woe-free,
Bear haunted outlines, sane while strained and jaded.
But when I pause those thoughts of yesterday,
It strikes me that these worries have no need:
Your eyes survey me in your feisty way
And every fear which bothered me recedes.
Though each of us treads through this season sole,
The spark of life within you keeps us whole.

=

Where are those summer days or autumn nights,
I often muse when feebly we embrace
Near hearth in vain, then sense some noise with fright -
These storms of ice which feud outside our place.
Each week we suffer January's flurry;
Recluse and hidden, buried under frost.
You're pained to see my rhymes are bleak and blurry;
It seems my flair for poetry is lost...
And yet, I care not for the poet's duty:
What purpose has this insincere device
If you're beside me? Odes shan't match your beauty.
Your heartbeat near my own dissolved the ice.
Though Weather, heinous foe, shrieks high above,
Deep underneath, these roots will feed our love.

=

So many joyous birds soar through the sky!
Purer than pure, their cheerful chirps and tunes
Rush by the handsome house, then flutter high
In this real cherished, mid-March afternoon.
New flowers everywhere, like wide-eyed fairies,
Grace Nature's blouse and douse it with perfume...
I meet this blossom's hues, this petal airy:
The cherry tree, once faint and weak, now blooms.
You see, my fair-eyed bride, the year flew by;
Four seasons came and waned before our eyes,
And every time affection seemed to die
You've shown me that a true one never dies.
The future's here, my wife, it has begun:
At last, our love produced this precious son.

810

Genesis



The Beginning

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. 4 God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. 5 God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morningãthe first day.

6 And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." 7 So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. 8 God called the expanse "sky." And there was evening, and there was morningãthe second day.

9 And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. 10 God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good.

11 Then God said, "Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds." And it was so. 12 The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening, and there was morningãthe third day.

14 And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years, 15 and let them be lights in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth." And it was so. 16 God made two great lightsãthe greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. 17 God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, 18 to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening, and there was morningãthe fourth day.

20 And God said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." 21 So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. 22 God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth." 23 And there was evening, and there was morningãthe fifth day.

24 And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so. 25 God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.

26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

28 God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."

29 Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. 30 And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the groundãeverything that has the breath of life in itãI give every green plant for food." And it was so.

31 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morningãthe sixth day.

Genesis

1 In the beginning, God made man.

2 Now, man was a relaxed dude. He had no worries and he strutted. However, the Holy Spirit saw this and reported it to God.

3 And God said "Let there be woman" and there was and she was a long-legged, ravagingly attractive tart with a velvet cleavage and tight vagina. 4 God saw that man liked her. He gave the attractive woman to the man and they got hitched. 5 God called the man "husband"; the hot woman he called "wife". There was good rooting that evening, and there was morning - the first day.

6 And God said, "Let there be a difference of ideology between husband and wife." 7 So God created man as logical and rationale and woman: emotional, talkative and repetitive. And it was so. 8 They started fretting that evening and there was morning - the second day.

9 And God said, "Let her produce kids and suffer the pain of birth and ensure that the man has no idea of the pain she has." And it was so. 10 The wife gave birth to kids and was irate at the man even though he had no clue. 11 She swore at him and had him change dirty diapers too. And God saw it and laughed. 12 There was fighting that evening, and there was morning - the third day.
13 And God said, "Let thriving shops cover the streets and let them overrun with women's clothes and stilettos to serve as keys to target the changing seasons and 14 let them be outfitted with glittering lights to stop them knowing the time." And it was so. 15 God flagrantly thrust sales on her - the greater sale at the end of the year he called "After Xmas". The lesser sale he called "End of Tax Year". He also devised other lesser sales. 16 God sent these through the year to entice the wife to spend money. 17 God saw the look on the bedraggled man's face and cracked up. 18 There was a rotten evening and there was morning - the fourth day.

19 And God said, "Let foods of the earth be filled with calories, let all things that taste nice be fattening and fill store shelves." 20 So God created takeout food and separated them according to their kind. He created Wendy's and Burger King, Donut King and Kentucky Fried Chicken. 21 And God observed that it was great. 22 God blessed them and said "Gravitate to the girl, tempt her, and, through your fattening ingredients, increase her obesity." And the wife grew fatter and heavier. The husband grew disgusted. God saw this and giggled himself to sleep. 23 There was no sex later that evening, and there was morning - the fifth day.

24 And God said, "Let tight banks produce the dratted credit card advert to heighten the wife's needs: Amex, Mastercard and Visa that ask the wife to purchase products beyond her greatest dreams." And it was so. 25 God advised the banks to start sending overtaxed bills to the husband according to their kinds: the "high interest fee" or the "no interest free days". And the devastated husband sulked. God saw this torture, chortled and the tears abounded from his eyes.

26 Then God said, "Let's make another niggling woman in her image, in her likeness and let her preside over all husbands over the earth and over their doings and goings-on.

27 So God created the Mother-in-Law in her likeness,
in her exaggerated light; he created the repulsive, talkative tart; he created her.

28 God blessed the tart and said, "Increase in number, pervade the earth, aggravate, pester and revolt the husbands. Preside over them with disdain and derision."

29 Then God said, "I give you every right to evoke pain and despair on all of their faces across the earth and start to plant horror in their heart. They will be yours for humor and relaxation. 30 And all men of the earth will be aggravated and won't know how to live in harmony with you." And it was so.

31 God saw all that he had created, and fell off his cloud giggling. There was evening and there was morning - the sixth day.

32 On the seventh day, man created internet porn and gave God the birdie.

33 On the eighth day, God created divorce contracts.

811

A Recipe for Eggs Benedict

INGREDIENTS

4 egg yolks
3.5 tablespoons lemon juice
A pinch ground white pepper
0.125 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon of water
1 cup butter, melted
1.25 teaspoon salt
8 white eggs
1 tspn distilled white vinegar
8 strips of Canadian-style bacon
4 English muffins, split
2 tablespoons of softened butter

METHOD

To Make Hollandaise Sauce:

1. Fill the bottom of a double boiler part-way with water. Make sure that the water does not touch the top pan.
2. Bring water to a gentle simmer.
3. In the top of a double boiler, whisk together all egg yolks, lemon juice, white pepper, Worcestershire sauce, and one tablespoon water.
4. Add in the melted butter to an egg yolk mixture 1 or 2 tablespoons at a time while whisking yolks constantly. If hollandaise begins to get too thick, then add on a teaspoon or two of hot water.
5. Continue whisking until all of the butter is incorporated in the mix.
6. Whisk in the salt, then remove from heat.
7. Place a lid on pan to keep sauce warm.
8. Preheat oven on broiler setting.

To Poach Eggs:

8. Fill a large saucepan with 3 inches of water.
9. Bring water to a gentle simmer, then add vinegar.
10. Carefully break eggs into simmering water, and allow to cook for 2 1/2 to 3 minutes. Yolks should still be soft in center.
11. Remove eggs from water with a slotted spoon and set on a warm plate .
12. While eggs are poaching, brown the bacon in a medium skillet over medium-high heat and toast the English muffins on a baking sheet under the broiler.
13. Spread toasted muffins with a line of softened melted butter, and top each one with a slice of bacon, followed by one poached egg.
14. Place 2 muffins on each plate and drizzle with hollandaise sauce.
15. Sprinkle with chopped chives and serve immediately.

Recipe for Disaster from Andrew's Cookbook

INGREDIENTS

1 US President
1 Pathetic British Hobgoblin
1 Little Australian Whippet
1 Saudi Child
2 Towers
4 United Airlines Planes
1 Fundamental Political Group
1 War Torn Nation
1 Oil Rich Nation
123 458 US Personnel
60 111 580 Unsuspecting Civilians

METHOD

To make super power:

1. Make two towers promoting values of hedonism to the world.
2. Elect to the Whitehouse a hotheaded madman whose famed feeble cowboy dad was pathetic.
3. Make sure he has a southern drawl and intelligence way less than a sock.
4. Add huge shot of 'short man syndrome".

To make Islamic Fundamentalist:

5. Raise newborn Saudi child.
6. Reject from rich family.
7. Transfer child to war torn nation.
8. Teach radical ideologies of the Koran on the way.
9. Allow teenage fellow to grow into western hating Muslim.

Creating the Conflict:

10. Get grown fundamentalist to coach young pledgees to be extreme Anglophobes.
11. Emigrate these foreign pledgees to Boston.
12. Let excitable pledgees integrate into US society.
13. Get pledgees to flight lessons.
14. Somehow get on and hijack United Airline flights.
15. Blow up awesome landmarks with the planes.

Starting the apocalypse:

16. Write emotive keynote speech with thoughts of revenge for the president.
17. Piggyback bedfellows (hobgoblin and whippet) to battle.
18. Release 123 458 "peacekeeping" troops to seize outmatched nation that happens to have bankrupt Muslim government.
19. Bomb thousands of weak gentle people.
20. Engineer transfer of awful bloodbath to overpopulated oil rich country.
21. Repeat bombing of thousands of weak gentle people.
22. Keep fighting non-winnable battle.


It is foreseeable that this battle will break Vietnam's record as the craziest war of all time.