901

'My Country' by Dorothea Mackellar

The love of field and coppice
Of green and shaded lanes,
Of ordered woods and gardens
Is running in your veins.
Strong love of grey-blue distance,
Brown streams and soft, dim skies
I know, but cannot share it,
My love is otherwise.

I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of droughts and flooding rains.
I love her far horizons,
I love her jewel-sea,
Her beauty and her terror
The wide brown land for me!

The stark white ring-barked forests,
All tragic to the moon,
The sapphire-misted mountains,
The hot gold hush of noon,
Green tangle of the brushes
Where lithe lianas coil,
And orchids deck the tree-tops,
And ferns the warm dark soil.

Core of my heart, my country!
Her pitiless blue sky,
When, sick at heart, around us
We see the cattle die
But then the grey clouds gather,
And we can bless again
The drumming of an army,
The steady soaking rain.

Core of my heart, my country!
Land of the rainbow gold,
For flood and fire and famine
She pays us back threefold.
Over the thirsty paddocks,
Watch, after many days,
The filmy veil of greenness
That thickens as we gaze

An opal-hearted country,
A wilful, lavish land
All you who have not loved her,
You will not understand
though Earth holds many splendours,
Wherever I may die,
I know to what brown country
My homing thoughts will fly.

'My Detention Centre' by Evak U. Ated

A love of rich green parklands
Of lands that have no gates
Of rights, love and reverence
The range sure looks great.
A keen love of city pathways
Her farms and running trails
I long to be with her
But my place is in her gaol.

I hate my detention centre
Place of transferred refugees
Of Afghans and of Kurds,
The Czechs and Sudanese.
I hate her barbed-wire fences;
Her very locality;
Her distance from urban land.
This lock-up's no home for me.

The hot air of savanna
Blows dust into my room.
Where's my wife and children?
I hope to kiss them soon.
The emptiness enfolds me.
In this I do confide:
At night as they're resting
I plan on suicide.

Do you see, cranky Howard
As you refuse to let me try?
And when, sick of it around us,
I spy grand Afghans die.
And when government is sitting
And one talks before the throng
Who'll heed us, Mr Howard?
Who'll talk of all the wrong?

Who'll stand at the table
As black winter chills do flow?
Who'll remember all the horror
As we stapled our mouths closed?
Don't offend me, Mr Howard
With "She'll be right." so gruff
Watch what has happened
Can you see my grave life's tough?

And to surly Amanda Vanstone
You nod with ever cold regard
And you, Mr John Howard
In your Kirribilli yard.
You govern streets of your town
And you brazenly stand by.
As you drink to your country
At this lodging I might die.

902

MULL OF KINTYRE
( Paul McCartney)

Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh Mull of Kintyre

Far have I travelled, and much have I seen
Dark distant mountains with valleys of green
Past painted deserts, the sun sets on fire
As he carries me home to, the Mull of Kintyre

Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh Mull of Kintyre

Sweep through the heather, like deer in the glen
Carry me back to the days I knew then
Nights when we sang like a heavenly choir
Of the life and the times of, the Mull of Kintyre

Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh Mull of Kintyre

Smiles in the sunshine and tears in the rain
Still take me back where my memories remain
Flickering embers grow higher and higher
As they carry me back to, the Mull of Kintyre

Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh Mull of Kintyre

Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh, Mull of Kintyre

SHARK ON THE KILL
(Sir Paul McCartney)

Shark on the Kill, is what you are Heather to me,
My desire, is ever to be free, from Shark on the Kill.

In My Life the Beatles meant so much to me,
Lennon/McCartney, we made history,
But then I became a soft Fool On The Hill,
When I married unsmiling, one-legged Ms Mills.

Shark on the Kill, is what you are Heather to me,
My desire is ever to be free, from Shark on the Kill.

My life with nice Linda was blissfully pure,
One fine, funny Magical Mystery Tour,
Yet my Lovely Linda died prematurely
Then that feminine shark came by sniffing Money.

Shark on the Kill, is what you are Heather to me,
My desire, is ever to be free, from Shark on the Kill.

I smile in the floodlight yet fume in the dark,
As memory returns of my life with The Shark,
And festering fury is filling my heart,
On recalling my time with one sly, slutty tart.

Cunning Ms Mills, is tormenting me so skillfully,
She's no good; her heart, like her leg,
Is pure Norwegian Wood.

Shark on the Kill, is what you are Heather to me,
My desire, is ever to be free, from Shark on the Kill

903

OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING
Words and Music
by
Rodgers and Hammerstein

There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
The corn is as high as an elephant's eye,
An' it looks like it's climbin' clear up to the sky.

Oh, what a beautiful mornin',
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feelin'
Ev'rything's goin' my way.

All the cattle are standin' like statues,
All the cattle are standin' like statues,
They don't turn their heads as they see me ride by,
But a little brown mav'rick is winkin' her eye.

Oh, what a beautiful mornin',
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feelin'
Ev'rything's goin' my way.

All the sounds of the earth are like music,
All the sounds of the earth are like music,
The breeze is so busy it don't miss a tree,
And a ol' weepin' willer is laughin' at me!

Oh, what a beautiful mornin',
Oh, what a beautiful day,
I got a beautiful feelin'
Ev'rything's goin' my way.
Oh, what a beautiful day.

A MIDDLE-EAST WAR: THE UNEDITED STORY.
G. Bush (All the pictures coloured in, unaided, by him).

There's a bright flashin' bomb in the desert,
There's a bright flashin' bomb in the desert,
Dead martyrs fly high as a camel's right eye,
And it looks like smoke's coiling high up in the sky.

Yo what a beautiful mornin',
Yo what a beautiful war,
I get a beautiful feelin'
We're gonna win it, I'm sure.

Ha! That Tony he acts like a statue,
Ha! That Tony he acts like a statue,
But I've got the balls and I've got the pizazz,
And clearly I've got them like no other has.

Yo what a beautiful mornin',
Yo what a beautiful war,
I get a beautiful feelin'
We're gonna win it, I'm sure.

Oh the enemy's all scared as Hell,
Oh the enemy's all scared as Hell,
Though thousands'll die on an overseas shore
They'd know I don't take any shit any more.

Yo what a beautiful mornin',
Yo what a beautiful war,
I get one beautiful feelin'
I'm winning it, I am damn sure.
Yo what a beautiful war!

904

[The Frech Dictionary - A]
ABSURDE = BAD,SURE
ACCALMIE = A)ICE-CALM
ACCOMPAGNANT [accompanied]= GROUP CAME; A CANT
ACCOMPLIR [finish]= CLAIM CROP
ACCORDe'ON = ONE ACCORD?
ACCOUCHER [to give birth] = COUCH&CARE
ACCOUPLEMENT [matching]= MALE COPE C**T
ACCOMLER [to match]=CAR, COUPLE
ACCROISSEMENT [increasing]= ACCENTS:'IS MORE'
ACHETER [to buy]= CHEATER
ACHETEUR [client] = TRUE ACHE = U CHEATER!
ACROBATE = O, CABARET!
ACTIF = IF ACT
ACTIONNAIRE [stockdealer] = RETAIN A COIN
ADJOINDRE [to combine] = er...JOIN, ADD
ADMINISTRATEUR [boss] = MAN IS A TRUE DIRT = A MINISTER, A TURD
ADOPTe' [adopted child] = DO A PET
ADDUCIR [to sweeten] ˆ OUR ACID
ADOUCISSEMENT [softening] = SAME SEDUCTION
ADULTERE = RUDE TALE
AFFAIBLIR [to weaken] = A FIB? FRAIL!
AFFAIBLISSEMENT [weakening] = IF ASSEMBLE FAINT
AFFAILLISSANT [makes weak] = FILLS AS A FAINT
AFFECTIONNER [to like] = FRANCE FIT.ONE...
AFFERMIR [to make strong] = REAFFIRM
AFFOLEMENT [panic] = MENTAL 'OFF',e
AFFRANCHISSEMENT [release] = FRENCHMAN'S FIESTA = MAN'S FREE, CAN SHIFT
AFFRONTER [to tackle] = FRONT FEAR
AFRICAIN = IN AFRICA = I AFRICAN
AGACANT [annoying] = A NAG-ACT
AGISSANT [active] = GIANT ASS (those French!)
AGITATEUR [agitator]= I ARGUE; TAT
AGONISANT [dying] = SATAN GOIN'
AGRANDISSEMENT [magnification] = IN MAD GREATNESS = TEENS GRAND AIMS = MENDER, GIANT ASS
AGRe'ABLE [pleasant] = GRAB A LEE = A GAL, BEER
AGRe'GATION [annexation] = O, GREAT GAIN!
AGRESSEUR [aggressor] = RAGES USER
AGRESSIF [aggressive] = FIRES GAS
AGRESSION [attack] = GAS, SENIOR
AGRESIVITE [agression] = I GET RAVE, SIS
AGRICOLE [farmer] = LEA, CORGI
AGRICULTEUR = AGRICULTURE
AIGUILLAGE [routing] = I ALL GAUGE, I
AILLEURS [another place] = IS ALLURE
AIMABLE = AMIABLE
AJOURNEMENT [refusal] = MANURE ON JET
ALBUMINE - I ALBUMEN
ALCOOL [alcohol] = ALL COO
ALCOOLIQUE = QUI...COOL ALE!
ALENTOURS [all around] = TOUR LANES
ALIGNEMENT [straight line] = GET LINE, MAN = I 'GENTLEMAN'
ALIGNER = REALIGN
ALLAITEMENT [ brest feeding] = LEAN TIT - MEAL
ALLe'GORIE = O REGALE, LIE!
ALLEMAND [German]= LAND - MALE
ALLONGER [to extend] = REAL LONG
ALPES = LEAPS
AMABILITE = IT AMIABLE
AMAIGRISSEMENT [slimimg] = ARE MISSING MEAT? = MISS AT A REGIMENT = REGIME, STAMINAS = ANTI-MASS REGIME
AMENDE [fine] = DEMEAN
AMEUBLEMENT [furniture] = A 'BUM' ELEMENT
AMI [friend] = I AM
AMITIE [frienship] = I TEAM, I
AMNISTIE = EMIT A SIN
AMMORTISSEMENT [amortization] = TIME AS MONSTER
AMORTISSEUR [brake] = OUR AIM'S REST
AMPLIFICATEUR [booster] = I AM UPLIFT CARE
ANALYSER [to analyze]= SAY 'LEARN'
ANCIENNMENT [ex-]= EN ANCIENT MEN
ANESSE [female ass] = NEE-ASS

ANGLAIS [Englishman] = AS LINGA (joke)
ANGOISSE [distress, anxiety] = GAS, NOISE = I ON GASES
ANIMAL FAMILIER [pet] = FAMILIAR MARE IN
ANIMER [to revive] = REMAIN
ANNIVERSAIRE [birthday] = A nine ARRIVES...
ANNONCEUR = ANNOUNCER
ANNULER [to cancel] = UNLEARN
ANORMAL [unususl] = 'n AMORAL = ON ALARM
ANTENNE D'INSECTE [feeler] = NICE ANT NEEDS TEN
ANTIPATHIE [revulsion] = INEPT, I HATE
ANTIPATHIQUE = PIQUANT HATE, I
ANTIQVAIRE = ANTIQUE AIR
ANTIQUITe' = IT ANTIQUE
ANTISe'MITISME = IMAMS ENTITIES
APAISEMENT [calming] = 'TAME' PAINS
APIROYER [mercy] = O EAR, PITY!
APLANIR [ to align]= ar..PLAIN
APLANISSEMENT [alignment] = MEAN: SET PLAIN
APPARa'TE [to appear] = ART, I APPEAR
APPARITION [show] = APPOINT AIR
APPENDICITE = DEEP PAIN, TIC
APPENTISSANT [appetizer] = ANTEPAST, SIP = A PINT, PASTE
APPRe'CIER [to estimate] = REAP-PRICE
APPRENTISSAGE [cadetship] = REPEATING PASS = PASS AT PEERING
APPRIVOISEMENT [taming] = TIME PROVES PAIN = SAPIENT IMPROVE
APPROCHE [advance] = POP&REACH
APPROCHER [to bring near] = REACH PROP
APPROUVER [to confirm] = A PROVER UP
APRES [later] = SPARE
ARBITRE = ARBITER
ARITHMe'TIQUE = QUEER, IT MATH, I
ARMER = REARM
ASPIRATEUR [vacuum cleaner] = SET PURE AIR = 'PURIST' AREA
ASPIRATION = TO PARISIAN = INTO A PARIS
ASPIRINE = IRE, PAINS
ASSAISONNEMENT [spicing] = MAN SET SEASONIN' = SEASON INNS MEAT = MEANS, SENSATION
ASSe'CHEMENT [settlement] = A NEST SCHEME
ASSERMENTe' [compotent] = MASTER SEEN
ASSERVISSEMENT [subjugation] = SERVE, ASSIST MEN
ASSIDU [diligent] = AIDS US
ASSIDUTE [persistence] = A) STUDIES = AS IT USED
ASSIETTE [dish, plate] = IS EAT-SET = EATS SITE
ASSITER [to help] = AS SISTER
ASSOIFFe' [thirsty] = SEA IS OFF?
ASSORTIMENT = I ASSORTMENT
ASSURe'MENT [certainly] = SURE, MAN SET
ASTRE = STAR,e
ASTROLOGUE = Oo,STAR GLUE!
ASTRONAUTE = O, TUNE A STAR!
ASTRONOME = O,ME ON STAR! = O,STAR-OMEN!
ATMOSPHe'RIQUE = EQUIPS 'A MOTHER'
ATOMISEUR [spayer] = A MOISTURE = MOIST, UREA
ATTABLER [sit at the table]= TABLE ART
ATTENDRE [to get] = EARN IT, TED
ATTERISSAGE [landing] = IS GREAT SEAT = GET A SEAT, SIR
ATTRANCE [attraction] = A) INTERACT = REACHIN' AT...
ATTRAPER [to catch] = TRAP&TEAR
ATTROUPEMENT [gathering] = ROTTEN TEAM UP
AUBE [dawn] BEAU (yes, those French!)
AUBERGISTE [innkeeper] = I BEAR GUEST = BIG SURE EAT
AUDIOVISUEL = USUAL VIDEO
AUGMENTER [to increase] = MENU: GREAT
AUTHENTIQUE = TAT? HE UNIQUE!
AUTOBIOGRAPHIE = A 'BIG HERO' UTOPIA = ABOUT A PIG? I HERO! = TO A BIG EUPHORIA
AUTOBUS = BUS, AUTO
AUTOGRAPHE = PAGE + AUTHOR
AUTORISER [to allow] = SURE TO AIR
AVANT [front] = AT VAN
AVANTAGE = A VANTAGE
AVENTURE = A VENTURE
AVENTURIER = I A VENTURER
AVERTISSEMENT [alarm, warning] = NEVER MISSTASTE!
AYANT DROIT [innocent] = A - NOT A DURTY!

905

Rentons Soliloquy
Choose life.
Choose a job.
Choose a career.
Choose a family.
Choose a fucking big television,
Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers.
Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance.
Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments.
Choose a starter home.
Choose your friends.
Choose leisure wear and matching luggage.
Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics.
Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth.
Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future.
Choose life...

Tony's Choices

We chose Blair.
He chose God.
He chose going to war.
He chose to incite an unapologetic, unratified, unsupported Gulf conflict.
He chose to exceed the UN mandates.
He chose to wage a foredoomed, fallacious, foreign fiasco.
He chose to unremittingly & cynically lie to us.
He chose a tyrannous, trigger-happy, warmongering, boorish, demented, redneck hooligan for a mighty ally.
He chose to be his eager, lowly gimp.
He chose to make a grim mockery of our courageous troops.
He chose consent of a corrupt, unenforceable occupation effort.
He chose to justify the ongoing murder, injury and mourning of Iraqis, Britains, Americans, Australians, Dutchmen, Italians, Spaniards, Estonians, Hungarians, Bulgarians, Latvians, Poles, Slovaks, Thais and Ukranians.

He chose to defy our comments.
He chose widows.
He chose coffins.

We chose smug Tony.
We chose Blair.

906

The Ballad of John and Yoko

Standing in the dock at Southampton,
Trying to get to Holland or France.
The man in the mac said, "You've got to go back".
You know they didn't even give us a chance.

Christ you know it ain't easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They're gonna crucify me.

Finally made the plane into Paris,
Honey mooning down by the Seine.
Peter Brown called to say,
"You can make it O.K.,
You can get married in Gibraltar, near Spain".

Christ you know it ain't easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They're gonna crucify me.

Drove from Paris to the Amsterdam Hilton,
Talking in our beds for a week.
The newspaper said, "Say what you doing in bed?"
I said, "We're only trying to get us some peace".

Christ you know it ain't easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They're gonna crucify me.

Saving up your money for a rainy day,
Giving all your clothes to charity.
Last night the wife said,
"Oh boy, when you're dead
You don't take nothing with you
But your soul - think!"

Made a lightning trip to Vienna,
eating chocolate cake in a bag.
The newspaper said, "She's gone to his head,
They look just like two gurus in drag".

Christ you know it ain't easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They're gonna crucify me.

Caught the early plane back to London.
Fifty acorns tied in a sack.
The men from the press said, "We wish you success,
It's good to have the both of you back".

Christ you know it ain't easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They're gonna crucify me.
The way things are going
They're gonna crucify me.

The Song of George and Tony.

Sitting at a desk in Geneva,
Trying to get that UN mandate,
Yet those men all around,
Said "no way, you're a clown",
Hey, I was never going to hang back and wait!

Ah my oil war's gone now,
Hey Tony, what a debut,
Your sacrifice is tragic,
I know they're gonna knight you.

Kicked the insurgent chaps down in Basra,
Another botch job up in Baghdad,
Tony then called to say,
"Hey Bush you're doing okay,
You've kicked more Moslem butt than your Dad!"

Ah my oil war's gone now,
Hey Tony, what a debut,
Your sacrifice is tragic,
I know they're gonna knight you.

Back around the table in Europe,
Chancing it again like before,
The diplomats glared,
"Hey, what you doing down there?",
I said "I'm only trying to get me some war!".

Ah my oil war's gone now,
Hey Tony, what a debut,
Your sacrifice is tragic,
I know they're gonna knight you.

Keeping back some scuds for Pyongyang,
Hoping Korea takes off with a bang,
Then Condy Rice said,
Hooray Saddam's dead,
You've never got to justify the fight now, think!

Then the naughty planes flew into the towers,
They have a hunch that it's a conspiracy,
Hey, I covered it up,
The international hiccup,
I must confess it wasn't me.

Ah my oil war's gone now,
Hey Tony, what a debut,
Your sacrifice is tragic,
I know they're gonna knight you.

Started up a war on terror,
Each activist cooped up in hell-bay,
It's only heathens in chains,
No-one formally complains,
I ought to set them free one day.

Ah my oil war's gone now,
Hey Tony, what a debut,
Your sacrifice is tragic,
I know they're gonna knight you.
Your sacrifice is tragic,
I know they're gonna knight you.

907

Lullaby (The Cure)

On candystripe legs spiderman comes
Softly through the shadow of the evening sun
Stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead
Looking for the victim shivering in bed
Searching out fear in the gathering gloom
And suddenly! a movement in the corner of the room!
And there is nothing I can do when I realise with fright
That the spiderman is having me for dinner tonight

Quietly he laughs and shaking his head
Creeps closer now closer to the foot of the bed
And softer than shadow and quicker than flies
His arms are all around me and his tongue in my eyes
Be still be calm be quiet now my precious boy
Don't struggle like that or I will only love you more
For it's much too late to get away or turn on the light
The spiderman is having you for dinner tonight

And I feel like I'm being eaten by a thousand million shivering furry holes
And I know that in the morning I will wake up in the shivering cold
And the spiderman is always hungry...

Cut Here (by A Lull)

In strange coy dreams, specimen plods;
Shun the hog-weft heaven of his gluttony rods;
Soundless as the windfall of pity-blighted sweat;
Blithe, shocking minion of vivid regret;
Through coating foliage, nightmare sneer,
A modicum of nylon drove resentment, then - oh dear!
I heard twitching in terse holes, of a hardening within;
And vomiting of nightmarish spent hatred, therein.

High in his sky, aqua lead had hung sleet:
Crossbow rooftop closeted the lecher on feet;
With squint octahedral and offer-sneak hands,
A smell inharmonious; rainy eye made huge strands;
"Be cool, be squat, be icy now, my triple sublime:
Go level, like a truth, too slowly, roundly into grime;
Go lento to a holy mirth; waft in, touch torture's gate;
Intruderman is hovering, hood-sniping thy fate!"

And I feel like I'm the vision of a nearby smelly huge-horned linguist brain
And I know that in the wording there is now much evil killing pain
Why, Intruderman is gay and hapless!

908

Eagles 'used to beat hunting ban'

Hunts are buying birds of prey to try and side-step the ban on fox hunting with hounds, falconry experts warn. About 20 hunts have bought golden eagles and eagle owls in the belief they are acting within the law.

Using dogs to flush wild mammals for a bird of prey to hunt is an exemption set out in the Hunting Act 2004. The Hawk Board, which represents UK falconers, said some hunts were "behaving irresponsibly", but a hunting body said bird welfare was a priority.

The Master of Fox Hounds Association, revealing the number of hunts which have bought the birds, said it believed it had interpreted the legislation correctly. "We didn't draft this flawed bill. Our lawyers are clear this is an exemption," said its director Alistair Jackson. "It enables hunts to use full packs of hounds."

The government ban on fox hunting allows for falconry as a sport to remain protected. The law does not restrict the number of dogs that can be used to flush wild mammals for a bird of prey to hunt. But Jim Chick, chairman of the Hawk Board, said there were concerns about the practice. "This is bringing the sport into disrepute," he said. "Many of the hunts are using people to handle the birds who have just been on a short course. You are not competent to handle a large bird of prey after a short course. "Secondly, a fox is not a recognised quarry for a bird of prey. It is a large animal and cannot be easily subdued so there is a big ethical issue over whether they should be used. An eagle is possessive and once it has caught a fox it will not let go. If the hounds are then brought in they could attack the eagle and a hound could be blinded or killed." He added it was dangerous to have an eagle with a mounted hunt, as it could lead to a horse throwing a rider. "A small number of hunts are behaving irresponsibly," he said. "We feel very let down. We supported them and walked the marches and raised funds for them and now this is a slap on the face."

Act in 'chaos'

The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) said there had been complaints about the use of birds. A spokeswoman said: "In our view the falconry exemption does not allow the use of a token bird of prey to allow hunting with dogs to continue. But it is a matter for the courts to interpret the Act." Tim Bonner, spokesman for the Countryside Alliance, which campaigned against the hunting ban, said the move showed the "chaos" of the Hunting Act. "The Act came into force less than a year ago but it has become increasingly clear that is impossible to interpret and to enforce," he added. A spokesman for the Council of Hunting Associations said: "The Hunting Act permits the use of hounds to flush a wild mammal to enable a bird of prey to hunt it and some people may wish to explore this possibility. "However, the CHA strongly advises that this method should not be used unless hunts have discussed their plans with the Hawk Board and the Hunting Office."

There has been a thorough outcry from the public and the League Against Cruel Sports after various sadistic, horse-whipping hunts within and around Don Henley-on-Thames, in Oxfordshire, England, with malice aforethought, rather than hounds, used tape recordings of that seventies plastic-cowboy bandit-biker band 'The Eagles' to drive multitudes of defenceless foxes out of their dens. The poor furry little wild nocturnal creatures have been pouring out of woodlands, meadows, hedgerows and holes in the ground in their high- hundreds, even thousands, after being ambushed, then subjected to the nightmare of amplified high-decibel renditions of mind-numbing FM-radio Adult-Orientated Rock staples such as Hotel California, Desperado, and Life In The Fast Lane.

At night, a howling, caterwauling vixen, in an obvious state of extreme distress, was seen to carry her four sweet pretty new-born cubs by the scruff of the neck, one by one, to drown them in a nearby shallow stream after a prolonged orchestrated ordeal of having to listen alternately to New Kid In Town, Lyin' Eyes and Take It To The Limit. She then ran into the Tequila Sunrise. Another fox, a male, ran out of the heath undergrowth and (undoubtedly deliberately) right into the path of a Massey-Ferguson tractor after a strangulated "driving musical medley" of Peaceful Easy Feeling, Doolin Dalton, Best Of My Love, Heartache Tonight, and Take It Easy was suddenly piped into his suburban garden habitat.

However, Mr Derek Fowlds, the Shadow deputy spokesperson for the Department of Sticking One's Hand Up The Backsides of Glove Puppets said: "It's a joke! Oh, how catastrophic! Ban it! Without doubt a bloody birdbrained, barbaric idea! Inhuman! In The Long Run, we can't continue falcon around like this...a wholesale political embarrassment! Pathetic." he whispered. To which his colleague Basil Brush said "Ha ha ha ha HA! Boom boom!!!".

The Shadow Minister for Broadcasting and Cute Furry Animals, Dr. Liam Fox, said: "I suppose One Of These Nights someone is going to get convicted of Glenn Affrey. As I understand it, though, if we continue at this rate, I guess all absurd be-denimed American Seventies bands which wear stetsons and sport vast droopy moustaches will probably be completely extinct within 20 years...I hope! Notwithstanding the fact that it's barbarous, unethical and unacceptable to use the music of that Joe Walsh chap and his cronies for such purposes...perhaps they should ride around hither-and- thither on horseback in bloodstained-red coats, and use hounds to chase unsuspecting foxes into submission, like with all the other heartless Home Counties British establishment toffs with whips. Whatever next!".

His daughter Samantha Fox was unfortunately unavailable for comment.

- Oh, for what it's worth (about £4.00, debatably) the CD "Eagles Greatest Hits Part 2" is available on Asylum Records. I'd recommend boycotting them, though.