901

E-petition: Response from the Prime Minister

Thank you for taking the time to register your views about road pricing on the Downing Street website.

This petition was posted shortly before we published the Eddington Study, an independent review of Britain's transport network. This study set out long-term challenges and options for our transport network.

It made clear that congestion is a major problem to which there is no easy answer. One aspect of the study was highlighting how road pricing could provide a solution to these problems and that advances in technology put these plans within our reach. Of course it would be ten years or more before any national scheme was technologically, never mind politically, feasible.

That is the backdrop to this issue. As my response makes clear, this is not about imposing "stealth taxes" or introducing "Big Brother" surveillance. This is a complex subject, which cannot be resolved without a thorough investigation of all the options, combined with a full and frank debate about the choices we face at a local and national level. That's why I hope this detailed response will address your concerns and set out how we intend to take this issue forward. I see this email as the beginning, not the end of the debate, and the links below provide an opportunity for you to take it further.

But let me be clear straight away: we have not made any decision about national road pricing. Indeed we are simply not yet in a position to do so. We are, for now, working with some local authorities that are interested in establishing local schemes to help address local congestion problems. Pricing is not being forced on any area, but any schemes would teach us more about how road pricing would work and inform decisions on a national scheme. And funds raised from these local schemes will be used to improve transport in those areas.

One thing I suspect we can all agree is that congestion is bad. It's bad for business because it disrupts the delivery of goods and services. It affects people's quality of life. And it is bad for the environment. That is why tackling congestion is a key priority for any Government.

Congestion is predicted to increase by 25% by 2015. This is being driven by economic prosperity. There are 6 million more vehicles on the road now than in 1997, and predictions are that this trend will continue.

Part of the solution is to improve public transport, and to make the most of the existing road network. We have more than doubled investment since 1997, spending £2.5 billion this year on buses and over £4 billion on trains - helping to explain why more people are using them than for decades. And we're committed to sustaining this investment, with over £140 billion of investment planned between now and 2015. We're also putting a great deal of effort into improving traffic flows - for example, over 1000 Highways Agency Traffic Officers now help to keep motorway traffic moving.

But all the evidence shows that improving public transport and tackling traffic bottlenecks will not by themselves prevent congestion getting worse. So we have a difficult choice to make about how we tackle the expected increase in congestion. This is a challenge that all political leaders have to face up to, and not just in the UK. For example, road pricing schemes are already in operation in Italy, Norway and Singapore, and others, such as the Netherlands, are developing schemes. Towns and cities across the world are looking at road pricing as a means of addressing congestion.

One option would be to allow congestion to grow unchecked. Given the forecast growth in traffic, doing nothing would mean that journeys within and between cities would take longer, and be less reliable. I think that would be bad for businesses, individuals and the environment. And the costs on us all will be real - congestion could cost an extra £22 billion in wasted time in England by 2025, of which £10-12 billion would be the direct cost on businesses.

A second option would be to try to build our way out of congestion. We could, of course, add new lanes to our motorways, widen roads in our congested city centres, and build new routes across the countryside. Certainly in some places new capacity will be part of the story. That is why we are widening the M25, M1 and M62. But I think people agree that we cannot simply build more and more roads, particularly when the evidence suggests that traffic quickly grows to fill any new capacity.

Tackling congestion in this way would also be extremely costly, requiring substantial sums to be diverted from other services such as education and health, or increases in taxes. If I tell you that one mile of new motorway costs as much as £30m, you'll have an idea of the sums this approach would entail.

That is why I believe that at least we need to explore the contribution road pricing can make to tackling congestion. It would not be in anyone's interests, especially those of motorists, to slam the door shut on road pricing without exploring it further.

It has been calculated that a national scheme - as part of a wider package of measures - could cut congestion significantly through small changes in our overall travel patterns. But any technology used would have to give definite guarantees about privacy being protected - as it should be. Existing technologies, such as mobile phones and pay-as-you- drive insurance schemes, may well be able to play a role here, by ensuring that the Government doesn't hold information about where vehicles have been. But there may also be opportunities presented by developments in new technology. Just as new medical technology is changing the NHS, so there will be changes in the transport sector. Our aim is to relieve traffic jams, not create a "Big Brother" society.

I know many people's biggest worry about road pricing is that it will be a "stealth tax" on motorists. It won't. Road pricing is about tackling congestion.

Clearly if we decided to move towards a system of national road pricing, there could be a case for moving away from the current system of motoring taxation. This could mean that those who use their car less, or can travel at less congested times, in less congested areas, for example in rural areas, would benefit from lower motoring costs overall. Those who travel longer distances at peak times and in more congested areas would pay more. But those are decisions for the future. At this stage, when no firm decision has been taken as to whether we will move towards a national scheme, stories about possible costs are simply not credible, since they depend on so many variables yet to be investigated, never mind decided.

Before we take any decisions about a national pricing scheme, we know that we have to have a system that works. A system that respects our privacy as individuals. A system that is fair. I fully accept that we don't have all the answers yet. That is why we are not rushing headlong into a national road pricing scheme. Before we take any decisions there would be further consultations. The public will, of course, have their say, as will Parliament.

We want to continue this debate, so that we can build a consensus around the best way to reduce congestion, protect the environment and support our businesses. If you want to find out more, please visit the attached links to more detailed information, and which also give opportunities to engage in further debate.

Yours sincerely,

Tony Blair

Yo, contemptible wretched plebs!

First, we'd just like to say a big thanks to all 1,955,362 of you for obligingly giving your e-mail addresses in order that we can keep a watch on your subversive internet activities. I am willing to give the appearance of listening to the electorate, but *I* alone know best, and so I shall not be taking even the slightest bit of notice of your albeit democratically-held, but irrelevant little views, wearisome suggestions, and insignificant protestations, and so will sweep them into the Recycle Bin and press on regardless with a foundation for my Legacy...I mean the important plans for a road- pricing scheme, with a special £600 "black box" fitted into every vehicle, and ultimately for Britain to be swallowed-up and become a mere administrative region of an expanded United States of Europe, a federal New Socialist absolute superpower, with, of course, myself to go down in history and to be crowned the inaugural President (like my bestest friend George W. Bush) for a 5-year term in the first instance, starting in time for me to come back over to Britain and open my glorious showpiece 2012 London Olympic Games. That's *at least* 9.2 billion quid (now including VAT) to be invested in the long- awaited, welcome regeneration of that desolate toxic cesspool, London's East End, thanks to Tessa Jowell's dubious accountancy...then we can double the Congestion Charge from a tenner to a score and extend it as far as Walthamstow, Ilford and Dagenham...that is if Ken Livingstone is not too busy with his little newts...and sucking-up to Arab terrorists and to despotic communist dictators, comparing doormen to Third Reich concentration camp guards, and pushing the occasional person over walls whilst intoxicated at dinner parties in Tufnell Park. Following that, in my second term, I can open the World Cup.

So look...it is important to understand (if you can) that it doesn't matter what a pig's ear we've made of the transportation network since the 1997 landslide, because it's obvious, is it not, that before long no-one except, for instance, Cabinet Ministers, other lesser (Socialist) politicians, civil servants, certain celebrities, and also the upper echelons of the public sector will be able to afford (or be allowed) to drive anyway? And so what if this ingenious New Order spy- in-the-sky technology is more complicated than the *still* non- functioning National Health Service systems that we've already frittered-away down the toilet...whoops, sorry, I meant invested...52 billion smackeroonies in. I mean, whatever...it's not as if it's *your* dosh the esteemed Patricia Hewitt wastes or anything, is it? I mean, come on...we acknowledge that only, I'd estimate what...21 percent of the common British electorate voted for me last time...someone has to operate all the new-fangled technological stuff, and nowadays we have to get whatever extra votes wherever we can, innit?

Backhanders...I mean cash donations...no, um...I suppose we'd better make that special secret "loans"...from dubious business magnates and sordid venture capitalists can only go so far, especially with that useless fat bar-steward John 'Chipolata' Prescott's departmental waste and the unctuous Lord Falconer's lunch expense sheet to pay for. Hence my new Orwellian snooper army of New Labour-voting council "Lightbulb Inspectors", and "Window Panoramic Aesthetics Standards Arbitrators", and "Peace and Quiet Measurement Statistic Officers", and the faceless "Cigarette-down-the-pub Stasi", and the four-thousand "House Sellers' Pack Administration Operative" parasites on eighty-grand-a-year each...and a barcode on your dustbin, and neutering the Police "Service", the traditions of the Catholic Church, (ditto the House of Lords), and politicising the British Broadcasting Corporation, and crippling stealth taxes, and excluding smokers, the clinically obese and the middle classes from hospital treatment, and positive discrimination, and electoral boundary shifting to suit Labour council purposes, and diverting funds from National Lottery good causes, and destruction of the conventional family to encourage even more ill- educated teenage schoolgirl single mothers to produce even more "sweet little bay-bees" on benefits, and incessant systematic persecution of the cash-cow motorist, and 24-hour licensing, selling Britain's gold reserves, and cowboys running Las Vegas-style Supercasinos (thanks again, Tessa!) and so on...I mean, for goodness sake, things are so tight in Downing Street now that poor Cherie ("The Wicked Witch") even has to point-out her Human Rights in order to be able to keep whatever welcome little tidbits, clothes and presents are tossed in her direction...we even have to rely on the charity of various millionaire socialist friends for occasional exotic holidays in the sun. (PS: Remember to offset your carbon emissions!)

So...forwards, not back...we suggest you stop your counterproductive, cynical whingeing, drop the attitude, and instead be so eternally grateful to me that there is not a specific tax on breathing...actually, now why did we not think of that one earlier? Silicon chips implanted into everyone's lungs! What a worthwhile idea! I'll get "Old One-Eye", Gordon "Robber" Brown on the case now... that ought to keep him happily being Chancellor of the Exchequer for another 1 or 2 years, as I have not actually sorted out any worthwhile employment as such, in the wheeling-and-dealing wilderness inbetween when I exit No. 10 Downing Street and when I start at the new job at Berchtesgaden...and I don't suppose that there is any guarantee that anyone on the lucrative American lecture circuit will give two hoots about whatever the wife Cherie and I have got to say about ten years of success together, which is a bit unfortunate when we have various mortgages adding up to 20-25 times our basic annual income.

But anyway, to conclude...doubtless by now you will all have been won over by my good looks, charming disposition, whitewash-white smile, important visionary ideas, swift decisiveness, statesmanlike manner, selflessness, and persuasive (totally correct) opinions. An egotistic poodle? You know, I think that most people who have dealt with me think that I'm a pretty straight sort of guy...so just click on the link below to register your support for my road-pricing scheme:

http://www.number-10.gov.uk/output/Page12.asp

...I mean, the general concensus is that we've got to do something about noxious gases, have we not? Doing nothing is not an option. Anyone who replies before 01.05.07 will receive, free, either a knighthood or a peerage for their troubles. (Please state which you would prefer). Best hurry up before Assistant Commissioner Yates gets hold of me...or Her Majesty rumbles me and dissolves parliament.

Oh, by the way, any dissidents who do NOT click the link to give my concept a virtual rubber stamp will doubtless be "persuaded" by Botcher Reid, with the use of whips, chains and thumbscrews, to sign up for the new compulsory combined NHS/DVLA/Inland Revenue/mobile phone/Google search Biometric Identity Cards, and be brainwashed and forcibly sterilised. Don't forget, now we know who ( and where) you appalling troublemakers all are...Big Brother is watching you! Anyway, enough of all this tedious politics stuff...because *I've* been watching Big Brother...on Channel 4! So if you'll excuse me, toodle- oo! I've got a personal audience with Mother Shilpa of Bombay to go to.

Respect! :-)

Yours sincerely,


Lord Blair of Islington

902

The falling rain comes
And forms puddles on the ground
Like tears in my eyes

=

Ice falls from the skies
And lines empty London ground
I nurse my aged heart.

=

On cold August nights
Flames refine like hymn's end note
Praise my dear lord.

As Spring changed early
One listens to summer heat
Like my old friend found.

=

This Alpine fog aired
Sun frolicked on damsel's rhymes
Young tender lament.

=

Clouds are stark - lonely
Almond sun offered meaning
Heightened my spirits

=

Fall ruined young trees
Their poor scant leafless kingdom
My hidden amens.

903

Hawk Roosting

I sit in the top of the wood, my eyes closed.
Inaction, no falsifying dream
Between my hooked head and hooked feet:
Or in sleep rehearse perfect kills and eat.

The convenience of the high trees!
The air's buoyancy and the sun's ray
Are of advantage to me;
And the earth's face upward for my inspection.

My feet are locked upon the rough bark.
It took the whole of Creation
To produce my foot, my each feather:
Now I hold Creation in my foot

Or fly up, and revolve it all slowly -
I kill where I please because it is all mine.
There is no sophistry in my body:
My manners are tearing off heads -

The allotment of death.
For the one path of my flight is direct
Through the bones of the living.
No arguments assert my right:

The sun is behind me.
Nothing has changed since I began.
My eye has permitted no change.
I am going to keep things like this.

Ted Hughes

Boss (May Go) Wanting

My boss came knocking at my door;
He spoke of clemency,
And, stylishly, he offered more,
If I would scale the tree.

Frisky dancing every night;
Substantial limousines!
Pennant roofs are a handsome sight;
I'd be a man of means.

A desperate elevation, that:
Thenceforth to bourgeoisie;
Might high life, perched as bureaucrat,
Negate my home degree?

"At fifty, I'll walk out of here,"
He spoke the words again:
"I hope to find a goon sincere,
To snatch the limelight then."

"That plinth of heaven hulks divine,"
I gestured, decently,
"The syphoned money may rank fine;
Enrichment I foresee.

"Yet, when I think of flowering wealth,
It is a heathen thought:
So, for the good of my Hippy health,
Your spoken myth abort:

"If all this rhyme were posited;
If I became the grander;
And your conceit so closeted,
I'd have no-one to slander!"

Tattooed Harry (on reception)

904

MOTHER'S LAMENT

A mother was washing her baby one night;
The youngest of ten and a delicate mite.
The mother was poor and the baby was thin;
ÔTwas naught but a skeleton covered with skin.

The mother turned Ôround for a soap off the rack;
She was only a moment but when she turned back
Her baby had gone, and in anguish she cried,
"Oh, where has my baby gone?" The angels replied:

"Oh, your baby has gone down the plughole,
Oh, your baby has gone down the plughole.
The poor little thing was so skinny and thin,
He should have been washed in a jug, in a jug.

Your baby is perfectly happy;
He won't need a bath anymore;
He's a-muckin' about with the angels above,
Not lost but gone before."

A PM LAMENT

As Blair rubber-stamped a new Act that May night,
(Letting anyone do ... hell, whatever they like!)
He heard foamy bubblin', babblin' sounds,
And he saw that the room was a-goin' around.

Water through windows was gushin' in fast,
Ten wet backbenchers bobbed by on a raft,
They were spinnin' a-just like a washin' machine,
He said, "Ho-hum! What's up?" Then he heard angels sing:

"Oh, your country has gone down the plughole,
Oh, your country has gone down the plughole,
The feeble estate just sunk under the weight,
You've broken its backbone, oh boy, oh boy.

England has gone to the dogs, ha!
Bye bye to that happy shore,
It has gone deep 'neath the foam, oh my,
And gone forever more."

905

"Good Riddance" (Time Of Your Life)

Green Day

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

"In Dignity" (The Unforgotten Men)

To President Bush

A corrupt conflict, for oil, pride and greed,
Many asked him not to go, and cut out tyranny.
But no, they went, to topple the Arab guy,
Tony got us dragged along, and then our soldiers died.

Their war is illegitimate , but Tony asked to fight.
He hopes Bush had the time of his life.

Blair took our troops into Iraq, and mounted hostility,
Despite the opinion of his entire country.
We need them home now, and no more men must die,
It's not our war Tony, can you hear this nation's cries?

Their war is illegitimate , but Tony asked to fight.
He hopes Bush had the time of his life.

Their war is illegitimate , but Tony asked to fight.
He hopes Bush had the time of his life.

Their war is illegitimate , but Tony asked to fight.
Bush sure did had the time of his life.

906

Once upon a time in a faraway land where there was freedom, bravery and happiness, there lived this terrible, evil old king who lived in a white house. Sat in an oval chamber, the absent King prepared a war. Plenty died for his war. Everywhere, men fled or oil burned. Everyone hated evil war and the terrible, cheap king, and he lost his empire and power to a new rival. His family foresaw a time when their heir would be able to govern their evil dynasty and mankind. He also preferred war over peace. If his plan was ~

to be a winner, he wanted firm support.. As ever, he cheated to win. His family yelled "Bravo, a Warrior King!". He revealed his end plan to a dreary friend. The men said "Behold, hellish enemies have a fire-dragon. We can prove it. It will burn the sky. Approve a new war!". But there was no killer fire-dragon. Men perished in vain. The war was avoidable .The world prayed for peace. In his envy, the lame King made superb new armies in a bid to reinforce a war. However, he lost his war. And they all lived happily ever after. The End? No.

907

THAT'S AMORE
by
Dean Martin

(In Napoli where love is King
When boy meets girl, here's what they say)

When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie
That's amore
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine
That's amore
Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts will play tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay
Like a gay tarantella

When the stars make you drool joost-a like pasta fazool
That's amore
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet,
You're in love
When you walk in a dream but you know you're not dreamin', signore
'Scusami, but you see, back in old Napoli, that's amore

When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie,
That's amore
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine,
That's amore
Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts will play tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay
Like a gay tarantella

When the stars make you drool just like pasta fazool
That's amore
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet
You're in love
When you walk in a dream
But you know you're not dreaming, signore
'Scusami, but you see back in old Napoli, that's amore (amore)
That's amore

SOPHIA LOREN - AN ITALIAN INSTITUTION

(Sophia was born pipe-thin in a poor Naples backstreet. She is now a voluptuous, wealthy woman; thanks to spaghetti and Carlo Ponti!)

When I saw your young face, wow it made my heart race,
Bella Loren;
And that dazzling smile, oh you just had such style,
Bella Loren;
Birdies sing, sing-a-ling-a-ling, love-a was-a King,
Then my head went-a dizzy,
And your laugh, la-ti-ta-ti-ta, la-ti-ta-ti-ta,
Was like Asti, so fizzy.

When I tooka you to bed, I knew then we musta wed,
Bella Loren,
Yet it coulda not be so, I was married although
Not in love.
In my movies you starred, although it was hard to ignore, when,
I coulda not make you mine, have you here all the time,
Bella Loren.

Then, at last, happily, you're 'Signora Ponti'!
Bella Loren,
They say, "Tut! Bigamy!" you musta leave Italy,
Bella Loren.
Yet we sing, ting-a-ling-a-ting, ting-a-ling-a-ling,
As we eat tortellini!
Our hearts skip, skip-a-skippy-skip, skip-a-skippy-skip,
Like two happy bambini.

Glee, contentment and joy, they were ours to employ
Mi amore,
We were ok, complete, with the world at our feet,
And in love
Though my health seeped away,
You keepa true through each day,
Mi amore;
I will waita here for you till eternity's through, mi amore,
Mi amore!

908

B

BACCALAURe'AT = ACTUAL BA CARE
BAISER [to kiss, to make love] = Be a SIR!
BALADE [walk, trip] = BAD LEA?
BALBUTIER [to mutter, mumble} = I BURBLE AT...
BALLON = BALL, NO?
BANCAIRE [banker] = NICE ARAB
BANDER [to tie] = Er...BAND
BARBIER = I BARBER
BASSIN = BASIN'S
BATAILLE [battle] = I BEAT ALL
BATARD [bastard] = BAD RAT!
BATTRE = BATTER
BESOGNEUX [poor, needy] = O, BEG-NEXUS!
BETAIL [beast] = I BLEAT = BIT LEA
BIBLIOGRAPHE = Oh, GRIP A BIBLE!
BIBLIOTHe'CAIRE [librarian] = BIBLE? Oh, I CARE IT!
BIBLIOTHEQUE [library] = Oh, BIBLE! QUIET!
BIENVEILLANCE [kindness]=VEIN - ALL BE NICE = EVEN A BILL NICE
BIe'RE = I BEER
BIGAME [bigamist] = A BIG ME
BILLARD [billiards] = RID BALL
BISCOTTE [rusk, toast] = BITE COST
BISTROT ~ 'T BISTRO
BLANCHISSAGE [whitewashing] = ASSIGN BLEACH
BLANCHISSERIE [laundry] = SHE CLEANS, I RIB
BLESSe' [wounded] = BE LESS
BLESSURE [injury] = SEE BLURS
BLEU = BLUE (an old 'gram)
BLEUA'TRE [bluish] = RATE BLUE
BLOCAGE [blocking] = BE A CLOG?
BOi'TE POSTALE [P.O.Box] = 'BAILEE' TO POST
BON APPe'TIT = PAN (POT), BITE
BON MARCHe' [cheap] = BONER, CHAM?
BOUCLE D'OREILLE [earing] = I COLOURED, BELLE = BLUE-COLORED LIE
BOUFFER [to gorge] = O, REBUFF!
BOUGER [to move] = BROGUE (heavy boot)
BOUILLOIRE [kattle] = O, I RULE BOIL
BOULANGER [baker] = BUN GALORE = REAL BUN. GO!
BOULETTE DE VIANDE [meat ball} = ONE BUT 'EDITED' VEAL
BOULEVERSER[to shake, turn over]=BE OVER RULES = REBEL US OVER
BOURDONNEMENT [hum, buzz] = DRONE, 'NUMB' TONE
BOURGEON [sprout, bud] = O, BURGEON!
BOUSCULADE [panic, alarm] = COULD ABUSE
BOUT DE PAPIER [pice of paper] = O, DUE - PAPER BIT
BOXEUR = U BOXER
BRAVOURE [courage] = OUR BRAVE
BREBIS [owe] = BE RIBS!
BRETELLE [strip, strap] = LEER, BELT
BREVET D'INVENTION [patent] = INVITED,'BORN' EVENT
BRICOLAGE [hand made] = or BIG LACE
BROUILLAGE [blurring] = i.e. GOAL - BLUR = O, AGILE BLUR
BROUILLARD [fog, mist] = OLD AIR-BLUR
BROUSSAILLE [thicket, tangle] = SERIOUS BALL (bulb)
BRU [bride] = RUB
BRUISSEMENT [rustle] = SEEMS IT BURN
BRUN [brown, swarthy] = BURN
BRUTALISER [to be cruel] = I REAL BURST

C

CADAVRE = CADAVER
CAISSE [crate] = IS CASE
CALLAIRE [chalk] = CLEAR, I Ca = A RELIC Ca
CALECON [underpants] = CONCEAL
CALINERIE [hug, caress, spoiling]= I REAL NICE = I CLEAN IRE
CALOMNIE [smear, mug-slinging] = MALICE ON = MEAN COIL
CAMARADERIE [friendship] = DEAR AMERICA! = I CARE, AM DEAR
CAMBRIOLAGE [burglary] = MALICE. O, GRAB!
CAMBRIOLER [to rob] = CRIME - LABOR
CANEVAS = CANVAS,e
CANNE a' Pe'CHE [fishing rod] = CANE, HEp, CANE
CAPITALE [capital city] = It 'A' place
CARABINE = A CARBINE
CARBURANT [fuel, petrol] = BURN AT CAR
CARGAISON [cargo] = AS IN CARGO
CARROSSERIE [chassis, body] = or CAR SERIES = or SIR SEE CAR
CARTE d'IDENTITe' [ID] = RETAIN ID, DETECT
CASSE - PIEDS [nagger] = SAD SPICIES
CASSEROLE [pot] = SO, CEREALS
CASUAL = CAUSAL
CATASTROPHE = THAT A CORPSE? = SEARCH AT TOP = Ah,TART-SPACE = A) STOP A CAR
CATHe'DRALE = HALT A CREED
CATHOLIQUE = A HOT CLIQUE
CELUI [this that...] = I CLUE
CENSEUR = CENSURE = U SCREEN
CENTRALE [tel. exchange] = CLEAR NET
CENTRALE ATOMIQUE = QUEER ATOM, CLEAN IT = ATOM QUITE CLEANER
CERCEAU [wheel] = CUE: RACE
CERCUEIL [coffin] = CUE: RELIC
CEREMONIE = O, MERE NICE!
CERF VOCANT [kite] = NOVEL 'CRAFT'
CERTIFICAT [confirmation] = I FACT. TRICE
CERVEAU [brain, mind] = 'A CURVE',e
CERVELLE [anatomic brain] = CELL, EVER
CESSER [to stop] = RECESS
CHa'NE DE MONTAGNES[ridge, clasp]=MAN EDGE STONE-CHAIN
CHAMBRE = CHAMBER
CHATOUILLE [tickling] = I TELL A 'OUCH!'
CHATOUILLER [to tickle] = 'TILL ARE 'OUCH!' = LITERAL 'OUCH'
CHAUMIe'RE [arbour] = AERIE, CHUM
CHAUVE SOURIS [bet - animal]= Hi! OUR CAVES & US
CHEF D'ORQUESTRE = [conductor] = QUEER FETCHS ROD = CHEF REQUEST ROD
CHIFFONNIER [chast of drawers] = IN HER COFFIN
CHIMIE = I'M He, C, I...
CHIMISTE = I CHEMIST
CHIRURGIEN [surgeon] = HIRING CURE
CHLORE ~ or HE Cl
CHLOROFORME = HE FROM (form) COLOR
CHo'MEUR [jobless] = HOME, CUR!
CHORALE [choir] = CAROL, eh
CHOUETTE [beauty] = O, 'THE CUTE!'
CHRe'TIEN [Christian] = THE NICER = HE CRETIN (sorry)
CHRONIQUES [records]= HIS CONQUER
CHRONOMETRE = CHRONOMETER
CINEASTE [scriptwriter]= A NICE SET = SEE IN ACT = SEE ACTIN' = I SEEN ACT = I AT SCENE = IT A SCENE
CINe'MATOGRAPHIQUE [cinematic] = ACTINC MARQUE, I HOPE
CIRCULAIRE [rotary] = i.e. CIRCULAR
CITOYEN [citizen] = CITY. ONE.
CLARINETTE = NICE RATTLE
CLASSE [social class] = SCALES
CLASSEMENT [sorting] = SELECTS MAN = MAN SELECTS
COAGULE [congealed] = A GLUE & Co.
COALISER [to unite] = CLOSE AIR
COFFRE = COFFER
COIFFEUR = COIFFURE
COLLABORATEUR [assistant] = A) A COLOR-BUTLER
COLLECTIF [common, joint] = IF COLLECT
COLORie' = i.e. COLOR = CORE: OIL
COLORIS = IS COLOR
COLPORTEUR [hawker, paddler] = CORRUPT Leo = LUCRE-TROOP
COMEDIEN = DO ME NICE
COMMENTAIRE [commentary] = CERTAIN MEMO
COMMENTATEUR [commentator] = COME, MAN, UTTER
COMMUTATEUR [switch] = TO MUM, A TRUCE
COMPAGNE [spouse] = GO CAP MEN
COMPANIE [society, association] = I GO CAP MAN = I GONE CAMP
COMPARAISON = A COMPARISON = POOR MANIACS!
COMPARTIMENT = I COMPARTMENT
COMPAS = So, CAMP!
COMPATRIOTE [from same country] = MET. CAPRI TOO?!!
COMPLe'MENTAIRE = REMAIN COMPLETE
COMPLICITE [partner in criminal action] = LICIT? COP ME!
COMPLOT [evil intent] = PLOT.COM
COMPOSITEUR = TO 'ROPE' MUSIC = TOP MUSIC 'ORE'
COMPREHENSIF [understand] = IS FRENCH POEM!
COMPTE RENDU [report] = PER DOCUMENT
COMPTER SUR [to trust]‡ CORRUPTS ME
COMPTEUR = COMPUTER
CONCERNER = Er...CONCERN
CONCITOYEN [citizen of city] = ONE CITY CON
CONCOURS [aid, help] = SOCCUR, NO?
CONCRe'TISATION = NO CRITICS, A NOTE
CONDAMNE = A) CONDEMN
CONDOLe'ANCE = A CONDOLENCE
CONDOLe'ANCES = AS CONDOLENCE
CONFECTIONNER [to produce] = TO FINE CONCERN
CONFIANT [fills confident] ‡ IN FACT NO
CONFIER = I CONFER
CONFISQUER [to confiscate] = IF CONQUERS
CONFITURE [jam] = ONCE FRUIT
CONSISTER [complicated] = IN SECTORS
CONSOMMATEUR [consumer] = O, MAN CONSUMER
CONTAMINER [to pollute]‡ CANNOT MIRE
CONTEMPORAIN [modern] = TOP, IN, CAN MORE = CREAM, ON TOP, IN
CONTESTER [to erase] = SECRET? NOT!
CONTINUEL [constant, persistent] = LINE, NO CUT
CONTINUER [to continue] = NICE TO RUN
CONTINUITE = CONTINUE IT
CONTRACEPTIF = PROTECT IF CAN
CONTRADICTOIRE [opposed] = O, I CONTRA-DIRECT ‡ or DIRECT ACTION
CONTRAINTE [taming, compulsion] = NOT CERTAIN
CONTRAIRE = or I RECANT
CONTRARIER [to anger] = ERROR IN ACT!
CONTRE COUP [reaction] = OUR CONCEPT
CONTREBANDE = BAD, CON ENTER
CONTREDIRE [to object] = REDIRECT, NO?
CONVAINCRE = A CONVINCER
CONVERTIR = CONTRIVER
COPIEUR = U COPIER
CORAIL = I CORAL
CORRESPONDANCE = DO A CNN REPORT
CORRESPONDRE = [exchange letters] = PERSON RECORD
CORSAIRE [pirate] = I COARSER = or I SCARE = SO RACIER
COSTAUD [stud] = A STUD & Co.
COUVERCLE [cap, lid] = CLUE: COVER
CRAINDRE [to be afraid] = RAN, CRIED
CRe'ATEUR = CREATURE
CREDIBILITE = IT CREDIBLE, I
CREME FRAi'CHE [cream] = CHIEF CREAMER
CRISE [crisis] = CRIES
CROISSANCE [growing] = 'COS CAN RISE
CROUTE [scab, crust] = TO CURE
CULPABILITE = IT CULPABLE, I
CULTIVATEUR [farmer] = VITA: CULTURE
CYLINDRE = CYLINDER

909

[Below is a Shakespeare love-sonnet, anagrammed into a Valentine sonnet with a relevant constraint. Can you spot it?
(A hint: I've used this particular font for a reason. Also, javascript should be enabled for the solution to work.)
I planned this anagram for February, of course, but couldn't find the time... Enjoy!]

Cupid laid by his brand, and fell asleep:
A maid of Dian's this advantage found,
And his love-kindling fire did quickly steep
In a cold valley-fountain of that ground;
Which borrow'd from this holy fire of Love
A dateless lively heat, still to endure,
And grew a seething bath, which yet men prove
Against strange maladies a sovereign cure.
But at my mistress' eye Love's brand new-fired,
The boy for trial needs would touch my breast;
I, sick withal, the help of bath desired,
And thither hied, a sad distemper'd guest,
But found no cure: the bath for my help lies
Where Cupid got new fire--my mistress' eyes.

=

The Perfect Gift

I viewed that field quite affably in spring:
The budding color, odor fresh and pure;
I uttered "No" to oh-so many rings,
Where precious stones, or silver, hid, secure;
I eyed a frosted stack of hand-made candy:
Huge, gracious wealths of truffles, standing tall;
I harked a songbird, so alive and dandy...
But, fie! I wouldn't offer these at all:
My darling's voice tops any bluebird's tweet;
Her breasts - no flower livelier than them.
What lure has chocolate? She's divinely sweet;
Why buy that diamond? She's my valid gem.
I'd make this bid, this humble valentine,
And happily I'd plead: My dear, be mine.

All of the poem's O's are carefully arranged into a fitting shape. To make this visible, it's displayed in a 'monospace' font, which means that all letters have the same width.