901

WHERE IS LOVE
From "Oliver!"
Words and original Music by Lionel Bart

Where is Love?
Does it fall from skies above?
Is it underneath the willow tree
that I've been dreaming of?

Where is she,
Who I close my eyes to see?
Will I ever know the sweet "hello"
That's meant for only me?

Who can say where she may hide?
Must I travel far and wide,
Till I am beside the someone who,
I can mean something to?
Where, where is love?

Every night I kneel and pray
Let tomorrow be the day,
When I see the face of someone
Who I can mean something to.
Where, where is Love?

COME OUT, MR. TWO-TIME- LOSER TERRORIST!
Lot of words totally remembered by George W. Bush.

Where is he?
Where can old Bin Laden be?
Is he in a cave or down a well,
Or up some olive tree?

Where's that man?
Is he in Afghanistan?
In some gloomy valley in a tent,
Amongst the Taliban?

Who can know where he may hide,
Is he on some camel ride?
Is he like a feline with nine lives?
Does he have twenty wives?
Where, where is he?

No-one knows if he lives still
Wow! Are those videos for real?
Or some tatty family home-movie
Edited effectively;
Where, where is he?

902

A 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower 6:40 a.m., just as his wife finishes up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The pretty wife wraps her body in a tatty towel and goes downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, the guy says, "I'll give you eight hundred dollars to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops away her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, the guy hands her eight hundred dollars, tells her goodbye and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the tatty towel and goes upstairs to the bedroom. Getting there, her husband asks, "Who was that, Honey?"

"The neighbour Bob."

"Great!" the husband says, "Did my buddy say anything to you about the eight hundred dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift. Getting into the car, she crossed her legs, forcing her baggy gown to flaunt a taut leg. The priest nearly had an accident! After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, try to remember Psalm 129." The priest moved his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up the taut leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, try to remember that Psalm." The priest apologized, "Sorry Sister, but you know the flesh is weak." Arriving at the ivy-covered convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

When he got back to the church, the priest looked up and found Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you do not stay well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, administration clerk, and the manager, walking to lunch, find a tiny oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Yay! Me first! Me first!" shouts the sales rep. "I want to be in the Bahamas driving in a little speedboat, then catching a few zz's, without a care in the world." Puff! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" shouts the admin clerk. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing at a beach with my male masseuse, endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. Utopia!" Puff! She's gone.

"OK, you're up," The genie informs the manager. The manager hoots, "I want those two back in the office after lunch by 12:29!"

Moral of the story is:
A winner always lets his boss have first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a nice sassafras tree resting passively, doing nothing. A small rabbit assessed the eagle and asked him, "I wonder, can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered, "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat passive on the ground below the sassafras and rested like a maharajah. All of a sudden, 9 or 10 minutes later, in a whirr, a fox appeared, jumped on the hapless rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:
To be sitting doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull in a grassy orchard. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree" sighed the turkey, "but haven't got enough energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with corn and nutrients!" he explains.

So the turkey sniffed, appraised a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to raise himself to the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after another picnic of dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night in the grassy yard, the turkey was proudly perched in the treetop.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, an expert marksman. The farmer raised his gun and shot him from the tree.

Moral of the story is:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and whirled to the ground in a large field. While he was lying there in crisis, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there still in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to exclaim, "Ahhhh!" and sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and the assassin promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story is:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is an enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is a friend.
3. And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

903

MORE ABOUT PEOPLE
by Ogden Nash

When people aren't asking questions
They're making suggestions
And when they're not doing one of those
They're either looking over your shoulder or stepping on your toes
And then as if that weren't enough to annoy you
They employ you.
Anybody at leisure
Incurs everybody's displeasure.
It seems to be very irking
To people at work to see other people not working,
So they tell you that work is wonderful medicine,
Just look at Firestone and Ford and Edison,
And they lecture you till they're out of breath or something
And then if you don't succumb they starve you to death or something.
All of which results in a nasty quirk:
That if you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

MORE ABOUT ANAGRAMMATISTS

What people do on the side, I often wonder.
If not at the Forum, what spells are they under?
Hooked David; or Dan or Don,
You need to turn off and on?
Shrink Larry
Quirkily merry?
See trustworthy Rosie
Photograph the showy, peony posy?
You wondrous Scott,
Shooting hot?
Busybody, honey Ellie,
Watch one teeny telly?
See noteworthy, tottery Tony,
Bake one doughy macaroni?
Eerie yet tough Paul
Fortunately on an offensive ball?
To see thorough Rick
Toy with his sensuous novelty auto-stick?
Tout one top workhorse Neil
Yet forging the deal?
See youngest, toothy Andrew
Tripping, too, just like outspoken View?
One devout, keen Chris
Ooh, undergoing bliss?
Tee-hee! You, Dharam,
Unbeknownst, you're quietly making a seventeenth anagram!

904

THE DANGLING CONVERSATION
By
Simon and Garfunkel

It's a still life water color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtain lace
And shadows wash the room.
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs,
The borders of our lives.

And you read your Emily Dickinson,
And I my Robert Frost,
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what we've lost.
Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm,
Couplets out of rhyme,
In syncopated time
And The Dangling Conversation
And the superficial sighs,
Are the borders of our lives.

Yes, we speak of things that matter,
With words that must be said,
"Can analysis be worthwhile?"
"Is the theater really dead?"
And how the room is softly faded
And I only kiss your shadow,
I cannot feel your hand,
You're a stranger now unto me
Lost in The Dangling Conversation.
And the superficial sighs,
In the borders of our lives.

A MANGLED CONSERVATION
On A Dark, Barren Land

It's a barren forest ruin,
Of a now dead pile of wood,
And the sun shines on the naked space
Of a place now lost for good.
And the rulers count their money;
Cloaked in vain indifference
Like vultures in the sky,
You can hear contented sighs,
As they mangle conservation
For the superficial highs
Of a greed that rules their lives.

And the merchandisers prosper
With each forest that is lost,
And corrupt administrations
Shut their eyes to what it's cost.
Now our Earth is slowly dying,
And we think it does not matter,
Think there's loads of time,
How can we be so blind?
As we mangle conservation
For the superficial highs
Of a greed that rules our lives.

We may one day learn a lesson,
Rue how rich Earth used to be,
Ah, analysis is futile,
It's all down to you and me;
And you whine your words of sorrow,
But they're only empty nothings,
We can't bring back our trees,
Oh, foolish, mad Mankind!
How you mangled conservation
For the superficial high
Of a greed that ruled your lives.

905

SPACE ODDITY

Released as a single, the song with words and music by David Bowie is about the launch of Major Tom, a fictional astronaut who becomes lost in outer space. It appears on the album of the same title and was supposedly rush-released to coincide with the Apollo Eleven moon landing. The BBC featured the award-winning song, performed by David Bowie, in its television coverage of the lunar landing.

Ground Control to Major Tom,
Ground Control to Major Tom,
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.
Ground Control to Major Tom,
Commencing countdown, engines on,
Check ignition and may God's love be with you!

Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Liftoff!

This is Ground Control to Major Tom,
You've really made the grade;
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear.
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare!

"This is Major Tom to Ground Control,
I'm stepping through the door;
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way,
And the stars look very different today.
For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world;
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do.
Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles
I'm feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go
Tell my wife I love her very much she knows..."

Ground Control to Major Tom,
Your circuit's dead, there's something wrong.
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you...

"Here am I floating round my tin can
Far above the Moon;
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do."

LOST IN SPACE is a science fiction TV series, a space-age tragi-comedy adaptation of the classic adventure novel Swiss Family Robinson. It followed the "tomorrow" (ooh, wow!) adventures of an astronaut family known as the Robinsons.

Thoroughgoing professor John Robinson (Guy Williams), his devout wife and mommy of the family, Maureen (June Lockhart), their young children, Judy (Marta Kristen), Penny (Angela Cartwright), Will (Billy Mumy) and their fortitudinous friend and pilot, Major Don West (Mark Goddard) are chosen to travel on a vehicle named "Jupiter Two" to Alpha Centauri to look for a livable planet community.

Their mission is sabotaged by the unforthcoming hothead, Doctor Smith (Jonathan Harris). The wrongdoing nonconformist slips aboard their spaceship before the launch and re-jiggles and jams the robot's computer (ooh, wow!) to decimate the ship and group shortly after leaving earth.

Unexpectedly, the crummy dummy is trapped onboard and, to avoid being killed along with everyone else, he revives the crew who were placed in suspended animation (ooh, wow!) for the long commute, um, journey.

Forgoing doom, they manage to outgun the oncoming monotonic automaton ... oh, robot; but damage to the unmoored junk's guidance engineering system (ooh, wow!) leaves them lost in space. Incommunicado, they are forced to land on unwooded alien territory; and they eventually travel to other uncommon, gloomy worlds in their unfortunate attempts to reach their ultimate destination: Asia!

906

The Anagrammy Awards
1. General
2. Other Names
3. Unspecified
4. Entertainment
5. Medium Length
6. Long
7. Anagrammy Challenge
8. Topical
9. Rude
10. People's Names
11. Special

1. Many shall enter me...
2. Hard to pronounce.
3. I don't... FIT IN!
4. Characters!
5. Large...
6. HUGE
7. A placement awes!
8. May engage!
9. Appall me. EGAD!
10. Mmisspellings? Nun!
11. Me? I am entered!

907

This individual is soon to be unemployed and seeks a managerial position. He will be available in February, 2009 and is willing to relocate.

CURRICULUM VITAE:

GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE AND EDUCATION:

Law Enforcement:

I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and my driver's license was suspended for thirty days. My driving record seems to be 'lost' and is not available.

Military:

I joined Texas Air National Guard and deserted AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about previous drug use. By joining the Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat strife in Vietnam.

College:

I graduated from Yale University with a low C (satisfactory) average. I shone as a cheerleader.

PAST WORK RECORDS:

I ran for a U.S. Congress seat and lost.

I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas in 1975. I unwisely bought an oil company, then could not find any oil. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a clandestine sweetheart deal that took over land using taxpayer money.

With the help of my father and friends in the oil industry (including Enron's CEO Ken Lay), I was chosen Governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR:

I changed the Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making the state the most polluted in the U.S. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as America's most smog-ridden city.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the State Treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any Governor in United States history.

With the help of my brother, the Governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States, after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first U.S. President ever in history to enter the office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I breached the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the Treasury.

I set the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any twelve-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a twelve-month period.

I set the all-time record for the largest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over two million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My 'poorest millionaire,' Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for the most campaign fund-raising trips by a president.

I am the all-time record holder in receiving the most pro-corporate campaign donations.

My biggest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the Supreme Court during my decision for election.

I have provided protection for my friends at Enron and Halliburton against threatened investigation or prosecution.

More time and money was spent investigating the sex scandal of Clinton and the buxom Monica Lewinsky than has been spent looking at one of the biggest corporate ripoffs in U.S history.

I presided over the largest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when oil industry corruption was known.

I do preside over the highest per gallon gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals, among others, to be awarded exorbitant government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history.

I created the ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of U.S. government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of law.

I refused to allow expert inspectors access to U.S. 'prisoner of war' detainees and have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations local election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I set the record for least number of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After going on a break during the entire month of August, I next presided over the most serious security failure in U.S. history.

I organized the most global sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attack on 9/11, and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, among the largest diplomacy failures in world history.

I have set an all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public (15,000,000), shattering the record for protest against any unpopular person in all history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order a preemptive attack and military occupation of an 'unarmed' sovereign nation. I attacked unprovoked against the common will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community mood.

I have given the ax to health care benefits for war veterans and support a rollback in benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British allies.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans deem my presidency the biggest threat to world peace and world security.

I am backing development of a "Nucular Tactical Bunker Buster,' a WMD.

I have failed in my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS:

All records of my tenure as Governor of Texas are now in my father's library in Texas, sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigation into my insider stock trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy, guarded and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from annual meetings that I or my Vice-President attended regarding public energy policy are blocked in secrecy and unavailable for public lookup. I specified that my sealed documents would not be unblocked or leaked for 50 years.

Please consider this global expert for a managerial job. You can call (972) 766-9050.

908

[A sonnetĘby Robert FrostĘanagrammed into a veteran's lament, which is also an acrostic of the subject poet's full name.]

A Soldier

He is that fallen lance that lies as hurled,
That lies unlifted now, come dew, come rust,
But still lies pointed as it plowed the dust.
If we who sight along it round the world,
See nothing worthy to have been its mark,
It is because like men we look too near,
Forgetting that as fitted to the sphere,
Our missiles always make too short an arc.
They fall, they rip the grass, they intersect
The curve of earth, and striking, break their own;
They make us cringe for metal-point on stone.
But this we know, the obstacle that checked
And tripped the body, shot the spirit on
Further than target ever showed or shone.

The Twilight of the Veteran

Reclining on the porch in idleness
On inky eves that dim the nearby shore
Brings back a few past phantoms I repress,
Encounters with the cruelty of war,
Rekindling tasks, the worst that I had gotten -
That smoke, those shouts, the people I had killed...
Luck favored me, but I had not forgotten;
Eternal battle lurks within me still.
Each night I'm haunted by loathed silhouettes,
For Fate, too keen to carry out its role,
Rewards me with those specters of regret,
Or wretched hate, that eat away this soul.
So do not wait, sweet Death - I welcome you;
This soldier's final trip has long been due.