901

[A few words regarding this anagrammatic puzzle --

1. All the 20 answers COMBINED are an anagram of the popular four-line poem.

2. Each picture merely "suggests" a possible answer, e.g., an image of roast beef (for a four-letter answer) could be MEAL, MEAT, DISH, DINE, FOOD or simply BEEF.

3. An answer can be a person, place or thing; or even an adjective, adverb or verb.

4. All are one-word answers EXCEPT for No. 20 [6, 8].

5. While the 19-letter title of this piece, THE NEW YEAR NIGHT POEM, is NOT part of the anagram, it serves as an aid in solving the puzzle. All the 19 answers in the '2009'-shaped diagram either BEGIN or END with one of the letters in the title. Each of the 19 letters is used only ONCE; and these have been placed in the proper squares to assist the solver.

6. After the '2009'-shaped diagram is correctly filled in, the remaining 14 letters can be anagrammed into a very relevant two-part answer [No. 20].

Have a great 2009, Anagrammy aficionados!

902

AAAAAAAAABBCCDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEFFGGGHHIIIIIIIIIJKLLLLMM
NNNNNNOOOOOOOOPPQRRRRRRSSSSTTTTTTUUUUVVWWXYYZ [R][F]

A pious dude, one Leevie Cager,
In cheekily winning a wager,
Did volubly fart
The six oboe parts
Of Mozart's 'Quartet in F Major'.

903

AAAAAAAAABBCCDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEFFGGGHHIIIIIIIIIJKLLLLMM
NNNNNNOOOOOOOOPPQRRRRRRSSSSTTTTTTUUUUVVWWXYYZ [E][S]

A pig baptized Belvedere
Who's more jovial, toxic, queer:
"I sing 'Auld Lang Syne,'
For it's 'Two K and Nine,'
A raucous time of the year!"

904

AAAAAAAAABBCCDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEFFGGGHHIIIIIIIIIJKLLLLMM
NNNNNNOOOOOOOOPPQRRRRRRSSSSTTTTTTUUUUVVWWXYYZ [q][y]

Winter in Albuquerque Zoo,
Hairy ibex and jackal on view;
The pygmy goats,
Still provided oats;
Iced giraffe manure seen too!

905

WHAT PARENTS THINK

I was one happy man! My gorgeous girlfriend and I had been together for a year, and had decided to be married. There was only one thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was eighteen, wore tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I'd always get an eye-popping view. It had to be deliberate, because she didn't do it when she was near anybody else.

One day, the sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she confessed that she had desires for me that she couldn't suppress. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in such complete shock, I could not think of anything to say!

'I'm going up to my bedroom,' she said huskily. 'If you want one last wild fling, come up and get me.'

I was frozen with shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the door. I opened the door and marched straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my prospective father-in-law hugged me and said, 'Hello! We're so happy that you have passed our little test! We could not ask for a better husband for our daughter. Thanks, and welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

WHY PARENTS DRINK

The boss of a manufacturing organization could not understand why one of his most steadfast research-staff members was off work but hadn't made any effort to phone in. Needing to sort out a problem with an essential main computer, and in order to resolve the absentee mystery, he rang the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello? '

'Hello, dear ... is your Daddy in?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the little voice.

'Can I talk to your Daddy?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

Surprised, and wanting to talk to an adult, the factory boss said, 'Is your Mummy there?'

ÔYes '

'May I talk to your Mummy?'

Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Needing to find someone to leave a message with, the frustrated boss said, 'Is anyone else around?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman .'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's house, the concerned boss asked, 'May I speak to the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and a fireman,' came the whispered answer.

The boss, now growing aware of a loud noise in the background, asked, urgently, 'What is that weird noise?'

'It's a helicopter,' answered the little voice.

'What's going on there today?' entreated the boss, now very worried.

Again whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter.'

Alarmed, and a little frustrated, the boss said, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME .'

906

Here's my weekly Internet or Blackberry theme:

Preamble to the Constitution of the United States of America, a pamphlet by forefather Gov. Morris.

"We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America."

(See how the Preamble paragraph is somewhat limited? It has hardly ever decided a federal case.)

Every state government has its own constitution, for which hardworking lawmakers met to hammer freedoms. However, keywords then were feeble, weak, hollow, and all loopholes downplayed. Now, long hotheaded debates happen in the high hallowed halls, when malleable loopholes are hammered off permanently.

Hey, hotdog, handshaking, kowtowed to, hardwired congressmen; fashionable, shortsighted women--time to forge, hammer! Skip hemming, hawing, postponement, and offer fresh commitment, momentum! Anybody off the hook?

A poem by the famous Carl Sandburg (and the subject of many recorded critiques)

I am the People, the Mob

I am the people--the mob--the crowd--the mass.
Do you know that all the great work of the world is done through me?
I am the workingman, the inventor, the maker of the world's food and
clothes.
I am the audience that witnesses history. The Napoleons come from me
and the Lincolns. They die. And then I send forth more Napoleons
and Lincolns.
I am the seed ground. I am a prairie that will stand for much plowing.
Terrible storms pass over me. I forget. The best of me is sucked out
and wasted. I forget. Everything but Death comes to me and makes
me work and give up what I have. And I forget.
Sometimes I growl, shake myself and spatter a few red drops for history
to remember. Then--I forget.
When I, the People, learn to remember, when I, the People, use the
lessons of yesterday and no longer forget who robbed me last year,
who played me for a fool--then there will be no speaker in all the
world say the name: "The People," with any fleck of a sneer in his
voice or any far-off smile of derision.
The mob--the crowd--the mass--will arrive then.

907

A man and his wife were watching 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' on TV while in bed. He turned to her and said, "Want to make love?"

"No," she answered.

"Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at him this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So he said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Then the fight started...

*******

A man asked his lovely wife in advance, "Where would you like to go for our next vacation?"

She answered, "Someplace I haven't been in a long time."

He suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

Then the fight started...

*******

One Saturday morning a man got up very early, quietly dressed, made his lunch, even fed the dog, and slipped quietly out into the garage. First he hooked the boat to his truck, and then proceeded to back out into a torrential rainstorm.

A wind was blowing to 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and heard the announcer say that the weather would be bad all day.

The man went back into the house and quietly slipped into bed. He snuggled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

His loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid ass husband is out fishing in that?"

Then the fight started...

*******

A man and woman were asleep in the bed like two oversized babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, loud noise came from outside.

The woman rose from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap! That might be my husband!"

The scared man leapt out of the bed and jumped out of the window naked. He slammed on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, and sped to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned to the bedroom, and hissed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"

The woman yelled back, "Yeah, so then why were you running?"

Then the fight started...

*******

A man tried to talk his wife into buying a case of Miller Light. Instead, she bought herself a jar of cold cream.

He told her the beer would make her face look better at night than the cold cream.

Then the fight started...

*******

A woman was standing nude, assessing herself in the mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and sighed to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look so old and fat. I really need you to pay
me a compliment."

So the sarcastic husband replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

Then the fight started...

A man took his dowdy wife to a restaurant, where a new befuddled waiter took the husband's order first.

"I'll have steak, medium rare, please."

The dumbfounded waiter asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

The man deadpanned, "Nah, she can order for herself."

Then the battle began...

*******

A man and his wedded wife were sitting at a table at his Midwest high school reunion. He kept staring uncomfortably at a drunken redheaded woman sitting alone at a nearby table, swigging her drink.

The wife demanded, "Is that drunk an acquaintance?"

"Yes," the man sighed, "That woman is an old girlfriend. I understand she took up drinking right after I dumped her many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"Oh, my!" blurted his wife, adding "Who would think a woman could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the battle started...

*******

After he retired, an Albuquerque fellow did not dillydally and went immediately into the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter smiled and asked the man for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pocket and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman employee he would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." The old guy opened his shirt, revealing curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." She processed the man's application as he buttoned up his shirt.

When the man got home, he told his wife about the woman at the Social Security office.

She jumped in loudly, "You should have opened your pants fly! You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the battle started...

*******

When a newlywed husband got home from work, his pouty wife demanded that he take her someplace expensive.

He took her to the gas station.

Then the battle started...

*******

A wife was hinting to her husband about what present she wanted for their upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds!"

He bought her a big scale.

And then the battle began...

*******

A sleepy wife sat down on the couch, joining her weary husband. He was flipping channels, attempting to look for entertainment. She asked, "So, what's on the television?"

He muttered, "Dust."

And then the battle began...