901

EYE OF THE TIGER
By
Survivor

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive
So many times, it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

[Chorus:]
It's the eye of the tiger, it's
the thrill of the fight
Rising up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor
stalks his prey in the night
And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds, still we take to the street
For the kill with the skill to survive

[Chorus]

Risin' up, straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

[Chorus]

The eye of the tiger
[Repeats to fade out]

YEAR OF THE TIGER

Twenty-Ten, decade of pain,
I don't know how we made it,
Terror, shock, the psychos hijacking planes,
It's a wonder that we have survived.
So many threats this Millennium,
They stalk our lives like a tiger,
Folks on the street, lookin' joyless and glum,
People strugglin' just to survive.

[Chorus]
It's the Year of the Tiger, no it's not Tiger Woods,
But the Chinese-myth symbol of strong courage,
Thus I'm trustin' that Right will then prevail as it should
And I'll fight for that right with the might of the tiger.

Take a trip, that's if you can,
Go off on that vacation,
Take my advice then, and stick to the land,
There's the threat you might die if you fly.

[Chorus]

Now you spot the people's mistrust
Sense that constant suspicion,
You hear them shout, "No, stop! We've suffered enough!"
Push that button, ignite... The Revival!

Yes...

The Year of the Tiger.

Yes!

902

The Retired Husband

After he retired, I insisted that my husband accompany me on my midweek trips to the local Target store. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, I'm like most women - I wish to browse. Yesterday, without warning, I received the following letter from the Target manager:

Dear Mrs. Khalsa,

Over the past 6 months, your husband, Mr. Khalsa, has caused quite a commotion here in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and are going to be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by the video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms off the shelf and stealthily dumped them in other people's shopping carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set twenty alarm clocks in the housewares department to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of diluted ketchup on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee, belched, and demanded in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away!" This caused the employee to abandon her station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and money.

August 4: Went up to the Customer Service desk and tried to put 2 bags of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign from tiles over to a carpeted area, laughing.

August 15: Got a tent set up in the camping department and told children he'd invite them to stay over if they would bring a mat, doughnuts, other sugar goodies, and fluffy blankets from the bedding department, which twenty of the children did.

August 23: When asked if he needed help, screamed, "WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?" EMTs were called in.

September 4: Looked right into a security camera, transfixed, then used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

October 2: Darted around the store, suspiciously averting us, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.

October 5: In the automotive department, tested a taboo "Madonna look" by trying on a variety of similar pointy motor oil funnels.

October 7: Hid down in a jeans garment rack and when women browsed there, yelled "PICK ME, PICK ME!"

October 9: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he just assumed a fetal position and bawled "OH! NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And the worst:
October 26: Went into a narrow fitting room, left the door ajar, squatted a while, then yelled very loudly from the room, "MA'AM, THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER IN HERE!' Unfortunately, one of our clerks ran away.

In conclusion, Mrs. Khalsa, the Target staff members request that both you and your spouse stay away from our store in the future!

The management

903

[Showing the side-by-side double acrostic: HAPPY NEW YEAR and AULD LANG SYNE]

JANUARY MORN
Nelda Hartmann

Bare branches of each tree
on this chilly January morn
look so cold so forlorn.
Gray skies dip ever so low
left from yesterday's dusting of snow.
Yet in the heart of each tree
waiting for each who wait to see
new life as warm sun and breeze will blow,
like magic, unlock springs sap to flow,
buds, new leaves, then blooms will grow.

CRASH DIETS

Now show me the fat sHAdow,
Numbers off the scale AUgur.
Order cooks can never comPLain,
I'm a screwed uP Doer!
Ineffable horror is mY Look;
Whale blubber's more thaN A ton!
Jelly roll sins, Twinkie offENces?
Holiday warrants are noW Gone!
Gazing into a bowl of crYStal,
Will serve nothing thEY say...
Jello fillings or steak waNTed?
We now must REpay!

904

The doctor entered the wardroom and said 'Ah, hello Roger, I'm glad you have regained consciousness. You probably don't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a nasty crash on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything seems fine, but I'm afraid there's some rather bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can...

Your willy was chopped off in the crash and we weren't able to find it.'

Roger groaned (as he would!) and the doctor went on, 'We've just checked your health insurance and found that you actually have nine-thousand pounds compensation due, and the good news is that we have the technology to build you a new willy that'll work just as well as the old one, if not better! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's one thousand pounds per inch.'

Roger perked up a little at this (as he would!)

'So it's a simple decision,' the doctor said, "you just need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch willy before and decide to opt for a nine inch one now, she might be somewhat alarmed. However, if you had a nine-incher before and decide to opt for a five-incher now, she might be a little bit, well... disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help make the right decision.'

So Roger agreed that he'd talk with his wife.

The doctor returned the next day. 'Well, Roger?' he asked, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' replied Roger.

'And has she helped you to decide?'

'She has,' he nodded.

'And what's the decision?' asked the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen.'

A VERY SPOOKY CAR

This story happened a good while ago in Ireland. It may seem fictitious yet, allegedly, it is true.

John, a Dublin City University student, was out by the side of a gloomy country road hitchhiking on a dark night, in the middle of a vicious storm. It was so bad he could only see a few feet ahead.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly come towards him... and stop. Desperate for a shelter and without consciously thinking about it, John climbed into the car and closed the door.... only to see it was unoccupied. Nobody was behind the wheel... and the engine wasn't running!

As the car slowly commenced moving again, he peered at the wet road ahead and saw a curve looming up. He started to worry for his life but... as the car was about to meet the curve, a disembodied hand came out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.

Paralysed with fear, he continued to watch the eerie hand, yet it never touched or tried to hurt him.

Soon, he saw the lights of a pub in the distance, so, summoning up his courage, he hastily dived out of the car and ran for his life.

Soaking wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started to tell everybody about his awful experience.

A deep silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and was not drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like him, were also soaking wet and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John weeping by the bar, one said to the other. 'Look ye there, McCoy. See? It's that fookin' idiot who got in our car while we were pushing it!

905

National Anthem of Vegetariana
by Lloyd Elkin Brown

Listen up! all you stalking ears of corn!
Open your eyes, ye Irish Taters, to a vision of good health!
I used to be carnivorous, but I gave it up for Lentils,
and now all young sprouts keep telling me I haven't bean myself.

But I'm ready now to take on ALL cucumbers,
To turnip any leeks in advance.
Let's carrot out our plan to form a more perfect onion,
To beet the system, and give peas a chance!

Hymn of Farm Folk and Farm Fun of Old
(unknown)

Neighbors* congregate,
Honorably* associate,
Soberly meditate,
Consciously elevate.

Known to motivate,
Instantly invigorate,
Supposedly, activate
To passionately participate.

Sunburnt men germinate,
Hoe, plough, cultivate,
Laboriously irrigate,
Ravenously salivate.

Bonneted women celebrate,
Thankfully appreciate,
Resolutely resonate,
Housekeep, or subordinate.

* + 'u' in London

906

[A Shakespeare sonnet with some relevance to the Haiti tragedy, anagrammed into another sonnetÊthat contains an acrostic (down every 1st letter) and a word acrosticÊthat forms a quote by Persian prophet Bahaullah (down every 3rd-to-last word)]

A Sonnet by William Shakespeare

When I have seen by Time's fell hand defaced
The rich proud cost of outworn buried age;
When sometime lofty towers I see down-razed
And brass eternal slave to mortal rage;
When I have seen the hungry ocean gain
Advantage on the kingdom of the shore,
And the firm soil win of the watery main,
Increasing store with loss and loss with store;
When I have seen such interchange of state,
Or state itself confounded to decay;
Ruin hath taught me thus to ruminate,
That Time will come and take my love away.
This thought is as a death, which cannot choose
But weep to have that which it fears to lose.

One Avid Vow To Come Together Soon

How strong are winds when they so gaily thrash,
And savage waves, how powerful their crash!
In tense, uneasy times, what is the shield
That saves us from this fate the Heavens wield?
I'd like to think that we can light the way
Despite the bad commotion of each day
Once we achieve the unity of hearts...
No force would fade that gleam that it imparts.
As our keen union grows, it can reclaim
The Elements and show they can be tamed;
Its fair rays can illuminate the night -
Once scattered brothers of the globe unite!
No rain, nor blazes of the whole damn sun
Should damage us if we're on Earth as one.

["So powerful is the light of unity, that it can illuminate the whole Earth."]