The Special Category

Anagrammy Awards > Voting Page - Special Category


An optional explanation about the anagram in green, the subject is in black, the anagram is in red.

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901

After getting all Pope Benedict's baggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the chauffeur realised that the Pope was still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' said the driver, 'but would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' said His Holiness, 'they never used to let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I would really love to drive today...'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I really cannot let you do that. I would lose my job! And what if something should happen to you?' said the driver, wishing he'd never got up for work that morning.

'And who's going to tell?' said the Pope with a benign smile.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back of the car and the Pope climbed in behind the wheel. The driver quickly realised the error of his decision when, after leaving the airport, the Pope then floored it, accelerating to 205 km/h.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard sirens.

'Dear God, I'm going to lose my license and my job!' wailed the harassed driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop approached, but the young officer took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on his radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he said to the dispatcher.

The Chief came on the radio set and the cop told his boss that he'd stopped a limo that was doing 205 km per hour.

'So bust him,' said the Chief.

'I don't think we'd want to do that boss, this person's really important,' said the policeman.

'All the more reason!' asserted the Chief

'No, I mean he's really, really important,' said the cop with a bit more persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, boy - the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Wow,' said the Chief, 'who on earth is it?'

Cop: 'I think it may be God!'

The Chief was even more baffled and curious. 'What makes you think it may be God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

The chicken-farm chief Frank Perdue went to meet the Pope for an audience. Whilst receiving the papal blessing, he whispered to the Pope, "Your Eminence, do I have a deal for you! If you'll change the words to The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' I promise we'll donate half-a-million dollars to the Catholic Church!"

The Pope replied, "That is most generous, but it's impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and cannot be changed. The matter is not negotiable".

"Ok," replied Frank, "I appreciate your position, so I'm prepared to donate one million dollars to the Catholic Church if you'll change the words to The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...'"

Once more, the Pope replied, "That is most benevolent. However, The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and must not be changed".

"Come on, Your Eminence, I bet it's quite tempting, eh?" chuckled Frank. "Ok - how about a billion! You've got to admit, that is some bid! It's the highest I can go."

The Pope shook his head. "Do I have to keep repeating it? The matter is not negotiable. I'm not tempted by your heathen money. Keep it! The Faith is pure and good and shall withstand the highest temptation."

Frank's jaw dropped. "Heathen? We're not heathens! he protested. "Ok - to prove it, we will donate five billion dollars if you'll change the words to the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' That's as high as we will go. I'll await your decision." With that, he bowed and withdrew from the chamber.

The next day the Pope met with the College of Cardinals. "I have some good news and some bad news," he told the 205 legislative Cardinals. "The good news is that the Church has just been donated five billion dollars ..."

There was a collective gasp from the 205 Cardinals. "Then, what is the bad news?" one of them asked.

The bad news," replied the Pope, "is that we're losing The Wonderbread Account."


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902

THE 10 BEST FIRST LINES IN FICTION.
(As adjudged by The Guardian national newspaper).

1. "Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed." (Ulysses)

2. "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." (Pride and Prejudice)

3. "There was no possibility of taking a walk that day." (Jayne Eyre)

4. "You don't know about me, without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, but that ain't no matter. That book was made by a Mr Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly." (The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)

5. "Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty, hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to talk French." (The Luck of the Bodkins)

6. "It was the afternoon of my eighty-first birthday, and I was in bed with my catamite when Ali announced that the archbishop had come to see me." (Earthly Powers)

7. "I write this sitting in the kitchen sink."
(I Capture The Castle)

8. "It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the Rosenbergs, and I didn't know what I was doing in New York." (The Bell Jar)

9. "The snow in the mountains was melting and Bunny had been dead for several weeks before we came to understand the gravity of our situation." (The Secret History)

10. "Squire Trelawney, Dr Livesey, and the rest of these gentlemen having asked me to write down the whole particulars about Treasure Island, from the beginning to the end, keeping nothing back but the bearings of the island, and that only because there is still treasure not yet lifted, I take up my pen in the year of grace 17-- and go back to the time when my father kept the Admiral Benbow inn and the brown old seaman with the sabre cut first took up his lodging under our roof." (Treasure Island)

1. James Joyce kicks off with what's reckoned to be the best third-person beginning ever. Hmm... can't see it myself.

2. Start of an archetypal Jane Austen tale. A line that everyone knows, misquotes and misremembers.

3. Charlotte Bronte's low-key beginning manages to capture the young heroine's outlook on life in ten desolate words.

4. An opener by Mark Twain that has influenced many an author, not least Salinger in 'The Catcher in the Rye'. Quote: "If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like."

5. A witty P. G. Wodehouse opener, crafted to deliver a joke in the final part. Contrast it with the haunting brevity of Daphne du Maurier in 'Rebecca' (also part-situated in the South of France): 'Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again'. And why isn't that gem ranked in your famed ten, Guardian?

6. Reckoned to be the ace of 'show-off, first-person openers', and intended by author Anthony Burgess to 'awaken and challenge the reader'. Yeah, whatever.

7. The quirky start of a tale by Dodie Smith, who wrote 'The Hundred and One Dalmatians', which, unlike the title book, I had actually heard of.

8. Famed American Sylvia Plath engages in post-war zeitgeist and Yank-angst. The author, alas, committed suicide (maybe because she married Ted Hughes).

9. In a spooky snuff-drama by Donna Tartt the reader is immediately plunged into the middle of a fatal crime, the effects of which reverberate throughout the ensuing drama. Tartt also wrote 'The Little Friend', which I haven't heard of either.

10. The beginning of a swashbuckling pirate yarn by Robert Louis Stevenson, and reckoned to be amongst the best in English history. Huh? What about Dickens? What about: 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...'? Shunned!

I can think of 1710 words of my own to sum up these woeful rankings, but I'll start with three: 'Bunkum, bunkum, bunkum'.


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903

[A three-way anagram: the letters in the crossword are an anagram of both the "ACROSS" and "DOWN" sets of clues, which are also anagrams of each other.

It contains three quotes from a beloved children's book and the author's name.]

ACROSS
1. Captain, Commodore, ___. (4,7)
7. Good location to wilt plant. (3,6)
12. Capital providers. (8,5)
13. Disencumber; unlatch.
14. Coming apart at the seams?
15. Gordon Sumner.
16. Indian garb.
17. A lanthanide.
19. Mural. (4,8)
21. A little bit like a quince but tarter.
23. Reek.
25. Top 'Cars' hit. (4,2)
27. "And now... ___!" (3,3,4,6,5)

29. Indulges.
31. Little Annie was an ___.
32. Tall ship.
35. Spies. (6,6)
37. He clung to hope.
40. Seven and one.
41. Monkeyshine.
42. Plebian bumblers. (3,6)
44. Usurping.
45. The whimsical author. (7,6)

46. Puts: "No."
47. Beggarly; wretched. (5-6)

DOWN
1. Raw butt cut. (4,5)
2. He made a scene?
3. Detest.
4. City slicker. (3-5-4)
5. Notch.
6. Ditch digging, e.g. (9,12)
7. He said, "___!" (2,5)

8. Stripling. (5,3)
9. An occurrence happens.
10. It's annotated in an octave. (8,5)
11. An aspirant will gallop to the thing. (7,4)
18. Put in bum bag.
20. Stableman.
22. Ironworkers.
24. Unite as one.
26. Allusively.
27. "And look here!" (2,3,6)
28. Plump bird ragout.
30. "... his mother called him ___!" (4,5)

33. Had lice?
34. An uneloquent, banal, pompous oration.
36. Inters.
38. Intimated.
39. Small man.
43. Popular web browser.


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904

[Here is a pair of original sonnets that are anagrams:]

When first the gods lie mounted on a tray
To play of idle art when summer's nigh.
The rules of his mind's order went astray
Because men rose at once with plans so high.

So on this earth the languid dream-pace flows:
A countryside, the blue romantic sea,
The god finance rebuilt, a prey that slows;
These hold the tired mountains earnestly.

To hasten faith, while printed authors leer,
Where farming thousands low resentment bore
Do paper hearts that win soon gladly sear?
The watchful starling toodles "Nevermore".

Tend to a torch as round-pitched tables hum
Let gather Fates; the icon moon sets dumb.

=

We find that soon the melodies turn gray
Our flesh an empty mold, a winter sigh.
She renders ransom first without delay
When each soon-passing truth becomes a lie.

What laid among the fields our parents chose:
A mist at noon, a cheesy cultured Brie,
The bending pile a faulty horse-cart tows;
These too shall run and meet their destiny.

With haunted hope, if lethal traitors sneer
While wrongs at men returned, as months before
Shall steady wind not propagate or shear?
The term's wrong value told the final score.

So spot that old authentic hardened crumb
The tombstone flat, the caged sensorium.

[This is just one pair out of 1,143,839,622,748,050,000,000,000,000 different pairs of anagram sonnets generated by the simple procedure described here. (That page also contains a Javascript implementation which displays randomly-selected sonnet anagrams from the universe of all those available.)

The "raw material" is 14 sets of 10 lines (shown at the end of this post), with the 10 lines in each set being mutual anagrams. By combining these in all possible ways roughly 1.14 octillion sonnet anagrams are produced.

Not only are these sets constructed to ensure that both sonnets rhyme properly, but pains were also taken to ensure that none of the rhymes are trivial - like tee/tea or tee/fealty or even face/deface. A precise statement of the rule is: the final consonant-vowel-consonant sounds (if the rhyme ends in a consonant) or consonant-vowel sounds (if the rhyme ends in a vowel) in a pair of rhyming words are always different.

This is similar to the construction I used back in 2003 in this. That one used sets having just four lines each, giving rise to a mere 641,959,232,274,432 anagrams.]

Set 1
How fortunes land to meet the rising day
With motion under feet the dragons slay
The demon saw our strength in life today
We find that soon the melodies turn gray
The hint of dormant energies would stay
When first the gods lie mounted on a tray
To lowered faith the turning demons say
Dream on while students go into the fray
The weather-tingèd moon unfolds its ray
For many would attend the night's soirée
Set 2
Our flesh an empty mold, a winter sigh.
To play of idle art when summer's nigh.
In grammar fully shown the poets die.
Who fuel hate immortal springs deny.
Around the smiling metaphors we fly.
Life's word among the humanist reply.
The shallow pen our immigrants defy.
In reds the human film plot goes awry.
In this long dream the formula we spy.
This normal male the grownups edify.
Set 3
Now try and read this short life's resume
To rise or rest undress the mind halfway
The rules of his mind's order went astray
This order ends the fruitless Roman way
And stirs the world the nurseries of May
Swift moralists surrendered on the hay
Hot murderers of thirteen islands sway
With Monday rules transfer the dossier
She renders ransom first without delay
The new-found milder terrorists sashay
Set 4
Because men rose at once with plans so high.
When each soon-passing truth becomes a lie.
See towns through peace, man's chosen alibi.
Ban laws, choose change, the promises untie.
Whose reason-catching son eats humble pie.
As beach-whales sense the mourning octopi.
The chaste men groan, woo shapeless incubi.
Sense each blouse open thrown at Sigma Chi.
To now abuse one charming, speechless Thai.
So businesswomen phone, charge latte chai.

Set 5
So on this earth the languid dream-pace flows:
With random life the author's landscape goes:
On frail death comes the lurid pageant-shows:
Reach out, read hope amidst the falling snows:
The spread outlines a team of highland crows:
Afraid, these contemplate our highs and lows:
What laid among the fields our parents chose:
There men could fashion paradise that glows:
The fat world laughed one Christmas in a pose:
The farmland showed this catalogue in prose:
Set 6
The countryside, a blue romantic sea,
His secret cloud, a mountain by a tree,
A land secure that you inscribe to me,
North County aims, a suitable decree,
A mist at noon, a cheesy cultured Brie,
Today's lie, accusation number three,
Some trail cut and a rustic honeybee,
Some acrid truth, a buoyant licensee,
State boundaries, neurotic alchemy,
This balance-tried secure autonomy,
Set 7
The ocean ripe, a friendly gust that blows;
The bending pile a faulty horse-cart tows;
Abundant light, receipts of earthly woes;
A wasteful con, the brightly painted rose;
That fiercely hated blow, a spurting nose;
The god finance rebuilt, a prey that slows;
A finely captured boon, the girl that sews;
Truth-leaning ways, the fabled porticoes;
The pleasing county dwarf, a brittle hose;
The birds that neatly go in peaceful rows;
Set 8
These too shall run and meet their destiny.
There saints should not entail the remedy.
Then heroes sat 'round death time silently.
No matter, these should die here instantly.
Then meet instead one earth's dull history.
These hold the tired mountains earnestly.
So time and tune shield art there honestly.
These hostile thrones demand neutrality.
The one that learned should miss eternity.
Thus lean hearts mentioned lost heredity.
Set 9
On this outlandish earth, replete with fear
To read, to learn, within this hateful sphere
Our faith in this low planet shattered here
With haunted hope, if lethal traitors sneer
Till then if earth, with nature's hope so dear
To halt in faith where unheard pilots steer
Of health and roles within the trip austere
To hasten faith, while printed authors leer,
That then was hailed The Perilous Frontier
With hope, sir, in the soul and heartfelt tear
Set 10
When men in arms the battlegrounds foreswore
While wrongs at men returned, as months before
When mortal news-bound nightmares fester o'er
While urban men soft shortened garments wore
Where farming thousands low resentment bore
When fearsome men the brown stunt girls adore
Where rows of streamlined tungsten men abhor
When we bound migrants feel the monster's roar
While modest strangers name the newborn four
When from the trees great sun-blind women soar
Set 11
Will hopes on that regard today pass near?
Shall any good in these tart words appear?
Do troops end all the pagan wars this year?
Then shall two years go rot and disappear?
Do roadway portals splash that engineer?
Shall steady wind not propagate or shear?
Ahead do pawnshop trolleys start in gear?
Shall standard weapon rays go to the pier?
Do paper hearts that win soon gladly sear?
Will ghost parades donate a thorny spear?
Set 12
The watchful starling toodles "Nevermore."
What lost such flavor lettered men ignore.
We all meet trusted thighs on craven floor.
The term's wrong value told the final score.
The turtle-wrestling falcon moved ashore.
From cloth and nuts the village we restore.
Felled converts want the humorist Al Gore.
Tell much as love's forgotten in the drawer.
With freedom last consult the graven lore.
Mold closet laughter with a fervent snore.
Set 13
Hold hope abstract and count the tired sum
To catch the pints around the boarded slum
So strut not, death placed acid on her thumb
The lot stood up then snatched Bacardi rum
I touch clasped hands to batter on the drum
And then those trod to catch a bruisèd plum
Tend to a torch as round-pitched tables hum
Transport the blood and educate this chum
So spot that old authentic hardened crumb
To stretch as dead and touch the iron plumb
Set 14
Each one the forest tomb attends is glum.
Tied fast on those the celebrants go mum.
Let gather Fates; the icon moon sets dumb.
The best of things must to a real end come.
O face his sad tomb, note the gentle strum.
On stage to this the Democrat feels numb.
To match in sense the bolder taste of gum.
To face instead the bosom's gentle thrum.
The motions granted to the faceless bum.
The tombstone flat, the caged sensorium.


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905

0 1 2 3 4 5 6
1 A D M I T S
2 D E A D E N
3 S E R E N E
4 O P I A T E
5 R E N T E R
6 B R E E D S

1 See I'm in!
2 Er, beer?
3 Sedated
4 Doped!
5 Tenant
6 Rears

=

1 Retain
2 Intense
3 Sea bed
4 Do dream
5 Tepeed
6 Errs


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906

[This is 6x6 double word square, with different words reading vertically and horizontally. This anagram is "triply true" - the word square, vertical definitions, and horizontal definitions are all anagrams of one another]

P R I M A L
R E C I P E
O T I T I S
S E C R E T
E N L A C E
R E E L E R

1. Premier
2. List
3. Ear
4. I conceal
5. Splice
6. Teeterer

=

1. Literal
2. Tar
3. Rime
4. Cone pieces
5. Per
6. "Leicester"


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907

WHITE SQUARES OR BLACK
by Arnie Gatton

White squares or black,
Bishops or knights...
You better get ready
To put up a fight.

I might open with the English,
I might open with the French,
But nothing you do
Will break my defense.

My pieces will surround your King,
And then you'll know it's just too late,
For the next word out of my mouth
Will be the word "Checkmate."

BLACK OR WHITE

When most hollow people thumbed down
Michael Jackson's thumping song with sexual thoughts...
"And I told about equality and it's true
Either you're wrong or you're right."

Why tempt ten plus two KKK effigies?
Switch on the 'panther' sequences Liberty's Lady bought...
"If you're thinking of being my Brother
It don't matter if you're black or white."


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908

JUNE
by Nicholas Gordon

June is promise bent on a reward,
Unsparing in his self-inflicted vow,
Not knowing that the golden time is now,
Ever the bright dream he struggles toward.

Prompt the bright color in June,
That time of weddings and roses,
With larks warbling in tune,
And scent reviving our noses.
By the light of a June moon,
We're wielding garden hoses!


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909

To My Mother

Because I feel that, in the Heavens above,
The angels, whispering to one another,
Can find, among their burning terms of love,
None so devotional as that of “Mother,”
Therefore by that dear name I long have called you—
You who are more than mother unto me,
And fill my heart of hearts, where Death installed you,
In setting my Virginia’s spirit free.
My mother—my own mother, who died early,
Was but the mother of myself; but you
Are mother to the one I loved so dearly,
And thus are dearer than the mother I knew
By that infinity with which my wife
Was dearer to my soul than its soul-life.

The Lady's Time in May

May weather often summoned memories
Of boyhood rainbows and of foolish youth;
The wealth that Nature lavished on her trees
Has made me fathom a refreshing truth -
Each of these light vignettes that come to mind
Remains a tribute to your image, Mother:
So natural with babies, so refined,
Devoted to a newborn like no other.
And when we reach the end of everything,
Your name may live forever in this earth,
Portrayed within the precious lines that sing
Of all that you have done for me from birth.
Eternally, the rhyme will show anew
My unrelenting loyalty to you.