901

THE REDNECK POEM
Susie Lee Done Fell In Love

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
And she told her Pappy so.
But Pappy he said, "Susie, gal,
You'll have to find another
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother."

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still ...
You cannot marry Will, my gal
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother."

But Mamma knew and said to her,
"Chile, do what makes ya happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to Pappy."

RURAL RIVAL
Al 'Banjo' North vs. Frank Furter

I heard tell some hillbilly boy
Played super-mean banjo,
They said, "He's just the tops!" but I
Snapped, "Sorry; that ain't so,
'Cos I'm the greatest of 'em all,
An' not this country Joe!"
Then I went off to show my rival
How to play banjo.

I found him lollin' up a tree,
(His ma lolled up there too),
A banjo propped up on his knee,
So I proposed a duel.

We played a duel on 'Yankee Doodle',
An' 'Old Yeller' too.
His ma yelled, "Hell, ya both strums well!"
I gasped, "Wow, ma'am, aren't you
That vamp I picked-up in a bar
When drunkenly I kissed ya?"
She answered, "Yep... you're my lad's pa,
An' I'm yo' long-lost sister!"

902

Nursery Rhyme

Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
And so between them both, you see,
They licked the platter clean.

She enjoyed rich coffeecake;
Her mate swallowed up the mutton;
Yet, they neatly struck a balance,
And repositioned all her buttons.

903

When I was 15, I thought my parents knew nothing. When I was 20, I was amazed at how much they'd learned in 5 years.
*

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
*

A high-society couple are making love.
SHE: "Darling, do poor people do this?"
HE: "I believe so, my sugar."
SHE: "Far too good for them, don't you think?"
*

Woman talking to friend in a supermarket. "I thought I'd lost 250lb of ugly fat. Then Barney came home again."
*

"I've been asked to get married hundreds and hundreds of times," she pouted.
"By whom?"
"My mum and dad."
*

There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
*

Two husbands are leaning on the bar: "Did you give your wife that lecture on economizing, like I said?"
"I certainly did."
"And what is the result?"
"I've got to give up smoking."
*

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you are reincarnated, but come back as a different creature. She said she'd quite like to come back as a cow. I said, "Oh, dear, you obviously haven't been listening."
*

Funny that a wife can spot a blonde hair on her husband's coat yet miss the garage doors.
*

The wife was so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find any unfamiliar hairs on his jacket, she screamed, "God, Larry! Only you would cheat on me with a bald woman!"
*

GRAFFITI:
Written on a wall in a ladies' restroom: "My husband stalks me everywhere I go." Written underneath it: "No. I don't."

Written in a men's toilet: "Don't forget, no matter how good she looks, there's usually some other guy somewhere who's sick and tired of all her shit".

Written over a mirror in a men's toilet: "No wonder you always go home alone."

Written over a mirror in a ladies' toilet: "You're too good for him."

Written in a ladies' toilet: 'If it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it'.

Written over a urinal: 'Express lane - 5 beers or less'.

Written on a toilet wall: "I like grils." Underneath, somebody had written, "You mean girls, bonehead." Under that some wag had written, "So, what's the matter with us grils?"

'God is dead' - Nietzsche
'Nietzsche is dead' - God.

'Make the small things count. Teach midgets maths'.
*

A patient with a sore throat goes to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor says, "I'm afraid those tonsils will have to come out."
"Hooey! I want a second opinion," huffs the man.
"Ok," says the doctor, "you're bloody ugly too."
*

"When are you going to dig the garden?" she asked.
"I'm thinking about it."
"You mean you're turning it over in your mind?"
*

"Wow! How long have you been wearing that corset, Wes?"
"Ever since my wife found it in the car."
*

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She threw the dice and landed on Science. The question was, 'If you were in a vacuum and somebody called your name, would you be able to hear them?' She thought for a moment and then said, 'Is it on or off?'
*

An Irishman went into a bakers and said, "How much are da cream cakes?"
"Two for one euro," replied the baker.
"Ah, right, and how much for one?"
"Seventy-five cents," said the baker.
"Roight... oi'll have the other one then."
*

There was a knock on my door this morning.
I opened it to find a gawky young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm Toby, a Jehovah's Witness."
I said "Hi, come in Toby. Sit down!"
I offered him a coffee and said, "Ok, what do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Buggered if I know, I never got this far before."
*

What does a blonde say while making love?
"Do you all play for the same team?"
*

I went to a bar with my girlfriend last night. The local goofs were raucously shouting "Paedophile!" and other awful names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23 and I am 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
*

904

DEFINITIONS: from a unique, or a highly female perspective.

AIRHEAD - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a police officer.

ARGUMENT - A discussion that occurs when you are right. He just hasn't realized it yet.

BANGS - A fringe of hair hanging from the top of your face. A reminder of how much you liked that ordinary,
old hairstyle, or the one you will have, once the damn bangs actually grow out. They come in four lengths:
short, long, awkward, and a constant irritant in the eyes.

BARBECUE - You bought the groceries, washed lettuce, chopped tomatoes, diced onions, marinated some meat and
cleaned everything up, but curiously he 'made dinner' himself .

BLONDE JOKES - Jokes that are very, very short so that a man can understand them.

CANTALOUPE - Got to get married in Church.

CLOTHES DRYER - An appliance designed to eat socks.

DIET SODA - A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of chocolate-coated peanuts.

ETERNITY - The last two minutes of a football game.

EXERCISE - To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

GROCERY LIST - What you spend thirty minutes writing, but then you forget to take with you.

HAIRDRESSER - Someone who creates a cool new hairstyle, one that you will never, ever
be able to copy.

CHILDBIRTH - You get to endure the eighteen to thirty-six consecutive, sleepless hours of contractions. He
just gets to hold your hand and say 'focus... breathe... push...'

CHIN HAIR - A thoroughly unacceptable, follicular growth. Dreaded scourge of the well-groomed. Attracts all
light. The tragic kind of stubbly hair that makes you sweat, wondering whether you've an inherited catfish
gene in your DNA.

HARDWARE STORE - Similar to a black hole in space. If he goes in, he isn't gonna come out any time soon.

LIPSTICK - On your lips, a coloured substance to enhance. If you detect it on his collar, however, the colour
only a debauched tramp would wear.

PARK - Before you have children, a verb meaning, 'to go somewhere to neck.' Today, after kids, a noun, meaning
the best place with safe entertainment - they get swings and a slide.

PATIENCE - The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also 'Tranquillizers.'

THINGY - The common name referring to any part under a car's 'hood.' See 'Bonnet.'

VALENTINE'S DAY - the day you covet love and romance. You dream of a happy day out, a movie, a candlelit meal.
But you are lucky to get a card.

WATERPROOF MASCARA - A complete joke. Always comes off if you weep, swim, or you are in the bathtub. Yet
somehow just won't when you want it to.

905

[This is a three-way crossword; the letters in the completed grid are an anagram of both the "ACROSS" and "DOWN" clues, which are anagrams of each other.

Additionally, the crossword includes two related mathematical entries and twelve other terms comprising their definition. The two mathematical terms and their defintions are also anagrams of each other. ("^" is the symbol for exponentiation)]

ACROSS 1. Slow pitch? (4,4) 5. Pa likes her 7. Sin 13. Graduate 14. Wooden strips 15. Us 16. Boredom 18. French Marie lost her head 19. Thoughtlessly go too far 21. Worn; rundown 22. ___ Candles 23. Tunnel out 26. Ergo 27. Noon 29. It takes ___ 30. Simon met him 34. Salvo; torrent 35. Cage 36. Aces 38. Cat's lives' tally 41. Remove 42. Life force 43. Nine day devotion 45. Rise 49. Half past 51. X and V 53. Altogether; all (2,4) 56. Engine type (3-6) 57. See definition* 59. An ally 60. ___ no! 61. Law 62. Roots 64. Beatles hit 65. Sun god 66. Mixers

DOWN 1. Young hooligans 2. Two weeks, in days 3. Daughters' grooms (4-2-3) 4. Lull 6. ___ sax 7. Atop 8. Seven ___ 9. Cinderella's wasn't a looker 10. Poled boat 11. Sixth prime 12. Booties 17. Ravel symphony 20. Data 24. Astonished 25. Countenance 28. Dine 31. Sharp 32. Lee 33. ___ ,Ne, Ar... 34. Gloated, "Ah ___!" 37. ___ cent novel 39. Treat it with ice 40. L 42. Vermiform 44. See definition* 46. Forecast 47. Stone figures 48. Murder 50. Twists 52. Slot 54. Horrid; infernal; malevolent (2,4) 55. Go along contently 58. ___ flusher 63. Oh ___!

*Definition
44Down:(49Across/(51Across-27Across))^(2Down+22Across)
=
57Across:37Down^(11Down*38Across-8Down*58Down-40Down-29Down)

*Definition
Nonillion: (Thirty/(Fifteen - Twelve)) ^ (Fourteen + Sixteen) ---> 10^30
=
Sextillion: Ten^(Thirteen*Nine - Eleven*Four - Fifty - Two) –---> 10^21

906

A ROYAL FLUSH!
Joe Rosochacki

The "Assuies" are levying a tax on water output, so called the "flushing tax",
Some are not flushing as much do reduce their water bill,
Some are going "outside" in their outback, if you will,
In this world wide economic slow down you can't be lax.
Some businesses are getting to point of developing "waterless toilets",
The composting toilets are great for saving water and money,
They come in a variety of styles and you have much to gain,

With the average household flushing up to 35,000 litres of potable water down the drain each year,
Ecoflo waterless toilets will save you from flushing water and money down the drain.

This is about as good as it gets,
I hope that this will not lead banning of the term flushing,
Because where will the USTA US Open be played?
In Compost Meadows?
That doesn't sound right.

A ROYAL BLUSH!

Harry of Wales partied hard, out in Las Vegas;
Off with the idiot's Y-Fronts, to bare his cute white ass.
Unwisely doing a strip billiards shoot-out with convivial fools,
Soon we media devotees, too, were eyeing the family jewels!
Extremely lagered at two, about in un-hallowed halls
On iPhone, going to tag the peewee 3.00 cuestick and balls!

Following was a leggy Kate's topless image, out in Closer/Chi,
Worst of tea times for the British Royal Family!
In a huge private chateau in the South of France,
Now we see a woman, with a telephoto lens, from a 500 distance,
Daring to flash her glamorous naughty exposed bits;
Suggestively exhibiting to a nation her two "commoner" tits!

Old Berlusconi's tainted mag eventually document a sweet Duchess undone;
Rupert Murdoch got the odd-one-out Prince's tush in the scandalous Sun!

907

My Favorite Things
from The Sound of Music

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;
Brown paper packages tied up with strings -
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels;
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles;
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings -
These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes;
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes;
Silver white winters that melt into springs -
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

[Repeat all verses]

Silver-Tress Delights

Hospital slippers, bathrobes, needles for knitting;
Walkers, stethoscopes, and new dental fittings;
Soggy "People" magazines tied up with strings -
These are a few of my favorite things.

Hot plasters, towelettes, comfort pads for bunions;
No spicy spaghetti, salt or fat added, meals made with onions;
Cotton sheets, heat pads, the foods they bring -
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, demented brains, with no need for sinning;
Arthritis illness, eyeglasses, silver hair that is thinning;
We won't ever dwell on our own shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When my disc aches,
When my hip breaks,
When my eyes grow dim,
If I'll remember all the swell times I've had,
Then I won't feel so sad.

908

The posts on our anagram forum
Are nommed so voters can score'em
And the name of this game
Is to bring more of the same -
A great shame if nobody saw 'em.

Had a vague, rather bothersome notion;
"Members, we're short of promotion."
Message mates, grans and mum
And if they can come,
For ages a mass of emotion.

909

Beau
by Jimmy Stewart

He never came to me when I would call
Unless I had a tennis ball,
Or he felt like it,
But mostly he didn't come at all.

When he was young
He never learned to heel
Or sit or stay,
He did things his way.

Discipline was not his bag
But when you were with him things sure didn't drag.
He'd dig up a rosebush just to spite me,
And when I'd grab him, he'd turn and bite me.

He bit lots of folks from day to day,
The delivery boy was his favorite prey.
The gas man wouldn't read our meter,
He said we owned a real man-eater.

He set the house on fire
But the story's long to tell.
Suffice it to say that he survived
And the house survived as well.

On the evening walks, and Gloria took him,
He was always first out the door.
The Old One and I brought up the rear
Because our bones were sore.

He would charge up the street with Mom hanging on,
What a beautiful pair they were!
And if it was still light and the tourists were out,
They created a bit of a stir.

But every once in a while, he would stop in his tracks
And with a frown on his face look around.
It was just to make sure that the Old One was there
And would follow him where he was bound.

We are early-to-bedders at our house--
I guess I'm the first to retire.
And as I'd leave the room he'd look at me
And get up from his place by the fire.

He knew where the tennis balls were upstairs,
And I'd give him one for a while.
He would push it under the bed with his nose
And I'd fish it out with a smile.

And before very long
He'd tire of the ball
And be asleep in his corner
In no time at all.

And there were nights when I'd feel him
Climb upon our bed
And lie between us, And I'd pat his head.

And there were nights when I'd feel this stare
And I'd wake up and he'd be sitting there
And I reach out my hand and stroke his hair.
And sometimes I'd feel him sigh
and I think I know the reason why.

He would wake up at night
And he would have this fear
Of the dark, of life, of lots of things,
And he'd be glad to have me near.

And now he's dead.
And there are nights when I think I feel him
Climb upon our bed and lie between us,
And I pat his head.

And there are nights when I think
I feel that stare
And I reach out my hand to stroke his hair,
But he's not there.

Oh, how I wish that wasn't so,
I'll always love a dog named Beau.

The Legend of the Rainbow Bridge
(edited...but still mushy)

It is said just between the Earth and Heaven is the divine place known as the Rainbow Bridge.

When the household pet who has been attached to someone here on the Earth dies, he is whisked heavenward toward the Rainbow Bridge, while the bitter devastated human hides out and whines in the shadow of the thief Death.

Hush, have faith. There are the awaited wide meadows, the shaded willows, the wooded forests, the hillsides, with the thousand adventures for our special friends so they can play together with all the other animals.

There is enough food, water and sunshine at the Rainbow Bridge that the pets are warm and comfortable.

All the animals that had died ill or old, weak or withered, are restored in a heartbeat to youthful health and vigor; likewise, all those who were hurt or maimed are made unhurt and whole again, and wide awake, just as we remember them before death, in our dreams of times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, but there's something lacking - someone dear to them, who was left behind. They must be dutiful, waiting for us humans to arrive.

The multitude of kittens and puppies all run, play, and roughhouse together like childhood buddies, but the time comes eventually when an individual animal hesitates and looks off into the distance. His bright eyes twinkle, his ears listen, and his whole healthful body starts to shake with enthusiasm. He begins to run from the group, heading toward his familiar human friend, like a whirlwind over the green meadows, the legs underneath him carrying him faster and faster.

You have been identified. You whistle loud and shout the pet's name, and when you and the special friend are united again, hugs will wreath his neck in joyous reunion, never to be divided again. Your own beautified face will be washed with happy wet whiskered kisses, while you will caress his beloved head with unwrinkled hands, and you will look once more into the wise and trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

And then both of you will walk in bliss and happiness across the Rainbow Bridge together.

910

[For the 11th anniversary of 9/11, a poem that was read at the 9/11 memorial service last year is anagrammed into another poem, which also displays the Twin Towers - or the number 11 - when a quote from Amos 9:11 is highlighted within it ("In that day I will restore the fallen house of David. I will repair its damaged walls.")]

Turn Again To Life, written by Mary Lee Hall

If I should die and leave you here a while,
Be not like others, sore undone, who keep
Long vigil by the silent dust, and weep.
For my sake - turn again to life and smile,
Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort other hearts than thine.
Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine
And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.

No vehemence may bug me once I'd look
In one key omen in a holy book:
"Here, in the fray, the rise of my fair men
Upon that day may toughen David's den."
It's why I won't recede - I will not break,
But, still reluctant, shall repel one ache -
The firestorm and the despair it left -
To purge the grieving of its damning heft.
Shine, fallen ones that Armageddon's roar
Undid in hours 'neath the walls it tore.

No vehemence may bug me once I'd look
In one key omen in a holy book:
"Here, in the fray, the rise of my fair men
Upon that day may toughen David's den."
It's why I won't recede - I will not break,
But, still reluctant, shall repel one ache -
The firestorm and the despair it left -
To purge the grieving of its damning heft.
Shine, fallen ones that Armageddon's roar
Undid in hours 'neath the walls it tore.

[The quote is from Amos 9:11, a passage named "A Promise of Restoration".]