901

OH I WISH I'D LOOKED AFTER ME TEETH
By
Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth,
And spotted the dangers beneath
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food.
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth.

I wish I’d been that much more willin’
When I had more tooth there than fillin’
To give up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers,
And to buy something else with me shillin’.

When I think of the lollies I licked
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.

My mother, she told me no end,
‘If you got a tooth, you got a friend.’
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin’
And pokin’ and fussin’
Didn’t seem worth the time – I could bite!

If I’d known I was paving the way
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fillin’s,
Injections and drillin’s,
I’d have thrown all me sherbet away.

So I lie in the old dentist’s chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine
In these molars of mine.
‘Two amalgam,’ he’ll say, ‘for in there.’

How I laughed at my mother’s false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath.
But now comes the reckonin’
It’s me they are beckonin’
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth.

WHAT I WISH I HAD UNDERSTOOD THEN
By
Anon

Oh, I wish I could rewind the clock,
And turn back the years and take stock;
The mistakes that I made,
This time I'd evade,
Oh, I wish I could rewind the clock.

I'd skip being thirteen this time!
There were too many mountains to climb,
As those cute childhood dimples
Became boyhood pimples,
Hell, I'd skip being thirteen this time.

Oh, I wish I were eighteen again!
This time I'd shrug off all the pain
Of female rejections,
And ill-timed erections;
Yes, I wish I were eighteen again!

When I think of my twenties, oh hell!
I sure had some worrying spells,
With a wife and two daughters
And me - sole supporter,
Wish I'd known it'd all turn out well.

Then my thirties had their share of stress,
But now, on reflection, I guess
That I should have felt chilled,
And not been torment-filled,
And said to myself - "I am blessed."

Then the forties roared in from nowhere.
I blinked and - oh man! - they were there!
I should have said, "Face it,
Life's good, so embrace it,
Get a shark-tattoo, throw off your cares!"

Then came the mad fifties, oh my!
And the time's simply zooming on by,
All the plans that I had
Didn't happen; too bad,
And I never quite understood why.

Though that decade was mostly a flop,
In a possible thirteen years, top,
I'll have head-fog, no teeth,
The odd problem beneath,
Then that time clock'll probably... stop.

902

CRUCIAL THINGS A CAT SHOULD ALWAYS REMEMBER.

My human's compact discs are NOT miniature Frisbees.

My human also says the proper order is kiss her, then go smell the other cat's back-end. She can't stress
this enough.

When she says 'move,' it means to go some place else, and not switch positions with each other so there
are still two of you blocking the way.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating my human to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping her does not help, because she can fall faster than I can run.

The dinner table might not be the best place to start grooming my rear.

Screaming at the can of cat food will not make it open all by itself.

Leaping from the top of the condo onto the curtain rod can make my human very annoyed with me. If I do it,
I will get a time out, squirted with The Water Bottle Of Death and yelled at... very loudly.

If I am trying to hide behind the window blind so nobody will see me (and I'm really clever for hiding
behind the window blind, you know), I should never allow my tail to hang down.

I must perfect a realistic death stare to give my human every time I happen to be disturbed.

If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again, I must stand up and walk away without the slightest
little hint of a care.

I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase after falling leaves.

If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get real hungry.

The very large golden labrador in the neighbours' back yard has lived there for nigh on six years. I will
not get freaked out every time I see that big scary critter.

The humans' elderly guinea pig seems tough but harmless, and does like to sleep sometimes. I won't watch
him constantly.

If I bite the cactus - look out! - it will bite back.

I will not stand repeatedly on the bathroom counter to stare down the hall, crying at nothing (especially
immediately after my human has finished watching 'X-Files').

Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's pretty new earrings are not cat toys.

If I play 'dead' on the stairs when people are trying to bring in the groceries or laundry, one day -
abracadabra - it will come true.

My human's hubby is able to cook his, or her bacon and egg breakfast adequately without my help.

The cat food is dead, So therefore I do not need to help to kill it, by swatting it over the floor.

I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.

I won't be able to walk on the ceiling; and staring up the wall and screaming at it uselessly won't bring
it any nearer.

It's not a good idea to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in the coffee.

They say the infuriating goldfish likes living freely in water, and therefore he should be allowed to
remain in his bowl.

If my human wants to share her fresh buttered sandwich with me, she'll give me a piece of it shortly. And
she will notice if I start to eat from the other end.

I can't jump through shut bedroom windows to catch birds outside.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy bird is much more acceptable than a
cockroach, even if it's not as tasty.

Even though I hear voices in my head, guess I don't have to answer them.

903

[Thanksgiving crossword]-->

904

The teacher summoned little Johnny to her desk. She told him, “The essay you’ve written about your pet dog is word for word the same as the one your big brother Bobby has written.”
“Of course it is Ma'am,” said Johnny; “it’s the same dog.”
*

The kindergarten teacher noticed a little puddle under Jenny's seat. "Oh Jenny," she said, "you should have put your hand up."
"I did," said Jenny, "but it still trickled through my fingers."
*

A redneck boy ran into his house and announced excitedly: "Wow! I've found the girl I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
"Dang, there's no way you're marrying that gal!" raged his father, "If she's not good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours!"
*

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
Two. One to eat it and one to watch for traffic.
*

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty trolley when he heard a woman ask, “Excuse me, do you want that trolley?”
“No,” he answered, “I’m only after one thing.”
“Huh,” mumbled the woman. “Typical man.”
*

A man walked into a psychiatrist’s office and said: “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”
"What nonsense!” said the psychiatrist, “I like sausages too.”
“Good,” said the man, “you must come and see my collection – I’ve got hundreds of them.”
*

A man standing at a bar asked the bartender: "How late does the band play?"
The bartender replied: "About a half-beat behind the drummer."
*

Two hydrogen atoms walked into a bar. One said: “Oh dear, I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The other said, “Are you sure?”
The first replied, “Yes, I’m positive.”
*

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the bartender gave her one.
*

A neutron walked into a bar and asked the barman: "How much for a beer?"
The barman said: "For you, no charge."
*

Two fonts walked into a bar. The bartender said: "Sorry, we don't serve your type in here."
*

A sausage walked into a bar and asked for a drink.
"Sorry, said the barman, we don't serve food."
*

Two fleas left a restaurant. Outside, one turned to the other and said: “Do you want to walk or take a dog?”
*

What do a toilet and an anniversary have in common?
- Men always miss them.
*

A man phones the local mental hospital and says: "Excuse me, who's in room Fifteen?"
"Nobody," says the receptionist.
"That's good," says the man, "I must have escaped."
*

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “Scully, I didn’t see you at camouflage-training this morning!”
The soldier replied: “Thank you very much, sir.”
*

What is the definition of a gentleman?
A man who can play the bagpipes... but doesn't.
*

How do you know that you're at a redneck wedding?
Everyone sits on the same side of the church.
*

For the fifth time that year, Jesse was arrested for punching his wife. The irate judge said: “This is crazy! Why do you keep beating her?”
Jesse replied, “Hell, Your Honour, I guess it’s my extra weight advantage, longer reach and totally superior footwork.”
*

A man with a gun charged into a bank and called out, "Gimme me all your money!" Once he'd got the cash, he turned to a customer and asked: "Hey you! Did you see me just rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him, killing him instantly.
He then turned to the couple standing behind and asked the man, "So... did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, but my wife did."
*

905

NOVEMBER
by Thomas Hood

No sun--no moon!
No morn--no noon!
No dawn--no dusk--no proper time of day--
No sky--no earthly view--
No distance looking blue--

No road--no street--
No "t'other side the way"--
No end to any Row--
No indications where the Crescents go--

No top to any steeple--
No recognitions of familiar people--
No courtesies for showing 'em--
No knowing 'em!

No mail--no post--
No news from any foreign coast--
No park--no ring--no afternoon gentility--
No company--no nobility--

No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease,
No comfortable feel in any member--
No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees,
No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds,
November!

NOVEMBER
by Mitt Romney

No body--no boys!
No strength--no noise!
No fluff--no club offers--no bleeding offenses--
No sky--no sunshine--
No dessert or wine--

No sleep tightly--no strategy--
No noteworthy defenses--
No tenfold debt money--
No weekend sunny--

No New York or Rhode Island--
No New Hampshire or Maryland--
No Ohio or Oregon--
No Minnesota or Washington!

No fettle--no fiesta--
No Matias or Maria--
No Tomas--no Diego--no Valentina or Pablo--
No Mateo--no Latino--

No cheers, no congratulations, no political spin,
No acceptance speech to remember--
No triumph, no fireworks, no Oval Office, no win,
No aim, n

906

[This three-way crossword includes nine colored clues comprising three original sentence -grams. The letters in the completed grid are an anagram of both the "ACROSS" and "DOWN" clues, which are anagrams of each other. ]

ACROSS 1. Go away 4. Lyrical poem 7. Boy kids 9. Crack 14. Inane dunderheads (7,6) 15. Swelling due to disease 16. Abandon it 17. Attain; meet 18. Use a label 20. Drought-weary area (4,4) 22. Rifle type (5,6) 25. Off yourself 27. Intent 28. Salt 30. Loveless, platitudinous union (8,2,11) 33. Couch 35. ___ won't do! 36. Presently 39. Electronic computers use it (7,4) 41. Punch (4,4) 44. Dears 45. Green 46. ___ ___ License Agreement (3,5) 50. Root vegetable 51. French kiss? (6,7) 52. Rein___ 53. Perpetrate murder 54. Conditionally 55. Crime

DOWN 1. Yokel, dupe or loon 2. Pasta type 3. Old is reused 5. Fatso 6. Microcomputer core (7,10,4) 7. Sheltered to the wind 8. Nederlands hat (5,3) 10. Currently attractive? 11. Barterer 12. Thank 13. Be decidedly sober 19. Day fifteen 21. A wee pancake 23. Car 24. Angle 26. Gone 29. Calling (5,2,4) 30. Inspirer 31. Curious 32. Twist 34. Consul 37. Cue we use to display ennui 38. Mane style 40. One's motherland 42. Is gleeful 43. A nitrogenous bean 47. Impugn severely 48. Fraction 49. Militia

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ + _ '_ _ _ _ _ ~ 44A + 32D + 54D?

27A + 45A + 7A ~ _ _ + _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ + _ _ _ _ + _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ~ 1A + 35A + 24D

Novelist O'Henry ~ loves irony then?

Rapt young lads ~ at playgrounds.

The dead spirits ~ depart this side.

907

[These 4 poems each depict a different stage in life - In utero, young love, parenthood and old age. In addition, there's also a gradual progression in the way they're anagrammed into one another: The 2nd poem is a sentence anagram of the 1st, the 3rd is a word anagram of it and the 4th is a standard letter anagram. Enjoy!]

Your mother's womb while still her embryo
Will keep you right forevermore, it seems;
That later age, in which reign gloom and woe,
Is far away and just a distant dream.
But deep within, in fact, is one mild gleam:
The fine bond with another human heart
Is so intense, its influence supreme;
Her promises and days yours from the start.
For love's not fleeting but a piece of art,
And she determines quite more than you know
The future love with whom you'd never part;
She'll point the guiding light, child, as you grow.
=

More summers passed. The girl has grown and thrived
While raising merry youngsters of her own,
And now, the final moment has arrived;
The room is empty and you are alone.
Yeah, life was often bleak or rather cruel,
But it's equipped with madly epic stuff;
If all there is are those few precious jewels
It definitely would've been enough.
And though the guiding light's no longer lit,
There is a special bond you've known from birth,
And that means you must now commit to it...
It's time to reunite with Mother Earth.
=

But later still, the embryo is yours,
A piece of you within her mother's womb,
One human whom you'd love forevermore
And point her far away from woe and gloom -
Which is, more than another bond, so deep
For it in fact determines your dream child;
She is, in part, the promises you keep,
That fine art with a heart, while not as mild.
The days start fleeting and will grow intense,
The distant future never seems quite light
But with love's guiding gleam, its influence,
You know she'll reign supreme and age just right.

=

More summers passed. The girl has grown and thrived
While raising merry youngsters of her own,
And now, the final moment has arrived;
The room is empty and you are alone.
Yeah, life was often bleak or rather cruel,
But it's equipped with madly epic stuff;
If all there is are those few precious jewels
It definitely would've been enough.
And though the guiding light's no longer lit,
There is a special bond you've known from birth,
And that means you must now commit to it...
It's time to reunite with Mother Earth.