901

A successful elderly rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. Determined to save the ranch, but knowing very little about ranching, she placed an ad in the paper for ranch hands. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other one a drunk.

She thought about it and she hired the gay guy. Since no one else applied, she thought that it would be better to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a great industrious worker, putting in long hours all day at the ranch and having a lot of ranching skills. The two of them toiled hard for weeks and the ranch was doing rather well.

One day, she told him, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch is in truly great shape. You should go to town." The hired hand readily agreed and went to town that Saturday night. He returned past midnight, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace, all alone with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

"Yes ma'am", he said as he removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

A man brought a very limp dog into a veterinary clinic. As he laid the dog onto the table, the doctor pulled out a stethoscope, placing it on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said consolingly, "I'm sorry, but your whippet has passed away."

"What?" yelled the man huffily. "How can you tell when you haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!" With that, the vet frowned, turned and left the room.

In a few moments, he returned with an old Labrador retriever. The Retriever bent his head going right to work, thoroughly checking out the dead canine; gently sniffing, prodding, and assessing. After a considerable amount of whiffing, the Retriever bayed sadly, shook his head glumly and said, "Woof".

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with an elderly cat, which also thoroughly checked out the dead whippet on the table. He gingerly whiffed, pawed and eyed the poor bugger. As had his predecessors, the cat regretfully shook his head and hollowly said, "Meow." He jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

Then, when the veterinarian handed the dog's owner a bill for a thousand dollars, the man went berserk. "What?! A grand! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is a freaking outrage! It's beyond unspeakable, you condescending asshole!" he shrieked, stunned.

The vet shook his head sadly and said, "Honestly If you had taken my word for it, it would have been fifty bucks. But with the Lab work and the cat scans..."

902

[Each line is an anagram of the Title]

The Lament of Icarus =

Loutish Cretan fame:
Utter chaos in flame.
Final test hour came --
Macho, tan -- flies true!
Father - "Um, at ceil, son."
Altimeter focus - nah.
Smile at hot furnace.
Aloft: "Race me - hit sun!"
Set afire: human colt.
Is feather, can moult.
Culminate: sea-froth.
Hoist cruel fate, man.
Locate human strife.
Mourn that ace's life.

903

NOVEMBER

No sun - no moon!
No morn - no noon -
No dawn - no dusk - no proper time of day.
No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease,
No comfortable feel in any member -
No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees,
No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds! -
November!

NOEL

No room in inn: no
home to use, or let
'No bed for a human'
an innkeeper's response.

Save in a common
stable home for humble
beasts, but no fire found
No woollen coverlet.

No fine food then, or
banners flown, no hymns
even sounded for
Mary's newborn Son.

904

OH NO - I GOT A COLD
by
Pam Ayres

I am sitting on the sofa
By the fire and staying in.
Me head is free of comfort
And me nose is free of skin
Me friends have run for cover,
They have left me pale and sick
With me pockets full of tissues
And me nostrils full of Vick

That bloke in the telly adverts,
He's supposed to have a cold.
He has a swig of whatnot
And he drops off, good as gold,
His face like snowing harvest
Slips into sweet repose.
Well I bet this tortured breathing
Never whistled down his nose.

I burnt me bit of dinner
Cause I've lost me sense of smell,
But then, I couldn't taste it,
So that worked out very well,
I'd buy some, down the cafe,
But I know that at the till,
A voice from work will softly say
"I thought that you were ill".

So I'm wrapped up in a blanket
With me feet up on a stool,
I've watched the telly programmes
And the kids come home from school,
But what I haven't watched for
Is any sympathy,
Cause all you ever get is:
"Oh no, keep away from me!"

Medicinal discovery,
It moves in mighty leaps,
It leapt straight past the common cold
And gave it us for keeps.
Now I'm not a fussy woman,
There's no malice in me eye
But I wish that they could cure
the common cold.
That's all. Goodbye.

OBSESSIVE MOMENTS
(of untold self-neglect)

I went off to my doctor's,
He smiled, "How are we today?"
I hate it when he asks that,
What'm I supposed to say?
Heck, I can't say, "Very well!"
(If so, why have I come there?)
So I gave a token smile
And flopped down on the chair.

"Now, have you come about that rash?"
He asked, "give me some data!
Did the cream work that I gave you?
Did you use the applicator?"
"No!" I puffed, "it's not the rash,
It's problems in my head."
He sounded disappointed;
"Oh... what's wrong with it?" he said...

Are you sure it's not that rash?
I'll bet it's back again!
Is it crawling up your body?
Has it crept into your brain?"
I yelled, "It's not my feckin' rash!
But more a self-confession;
Effectively, my torment's a
Malevolent obsession!"

He sniffed, "Well, well, that's awful,"
I sobbed, "Doc, that's not the half!
If I reveal the frightful truth,
Well... promise not to laugh?"
Doc scoffed, "Never! We GPs
Observe, rocklike, the vow,
Of full, complete solemnity.
Tell me all about it now."

I wept, "I'm up late every night,
My mind a full maelstrom,
Of tense, obsessive moments
Spent on Anagrammy.com!"
He clucked, "Tch! A common sickness!
Don't get involved, keep off the site!
Now, d'you want something for that rash?"
I said, "Er... ok; all right."

905

[Melani Udaeta's acrostic poem HURRICANE SANDY is anagrammed into another acrostic poem containing the real names of people involved in a more recent tragedy.]

HURRICANE SANDY
by Melani Udaeta

High flying waves
Unprecedented size
Rocking the Atlantic
Raging the East coast
Intimidating;
Creating a day inside;
A break from the grind
Nature grounds us, tells us,
Everyone unwind

Surge of power
Anything but average
No one will stand alone
Down, but not undone
Yes we will survive this storm

SANDY HOOK LIVES

So nutty, terrifying
Andy Lanza shot mother
Nancy, untwisted dame.
Drove to school,
Yearned for undue respect,
Held the big Bushmaster
Obliterating Anne.
Olivia needing a genuine hug;
Kaitlin preserving students.

Lauren wincing
Ingulfed in ruby;
Victoria wasting away.
Ending sweet Grace.
Satan slew our true Dawn.

906

Fire and Ice (a poem by Robert Frost)

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Cataclysm

The calendar ends tomorrow.
We shuffle off this horrifying island.
To burn or to be cold,
that is what I seek to review.
Deaths suck no matter what.
Whoop-de-doo, I've seen a few.
I'd need coffee if it's to be gunfire,
For that is a foul way to perish.
My, it's horrid! I, I, I, I, I, I, I------

907

The Naming of Cats
by T.S. Eliot

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter
When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.
First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,
Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,
Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey--
All of them sensible everyday names.
There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:
Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter--
But all of them sensible everyday names.
But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,
A name that's peculiar, and more dignified,
Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,
Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,
Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum-
Names that never belong to more than one cat.
But above and beyond there's still one name left over,
And that is the name that you never will guess;
The name that no human research can discover--
But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess.
When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
His ineffable effable
Effanineffable
Deep and inscrutable singular Name

Hit American Names for Dogs
(with the names' meanings)

Angel - ethereal
Bambi - imitation deer
Beau - handsome, charming
Betty Lou - overfed glutton
Billy-Bob - monumental as a house (i.e., the Mastiff)
Bobby-Jo - thievish
Buck - majestic stag
Bud - a beer enthusiast
Candi - has a sweet tooth
Chopper - lethal teeth, an assassin
Cletis - dull as a stone
Coy - not as dumb as he looks
Daisy - pale as the flower
Dakota - a Native American's friend
Desiree - (French) craved one
Earl - a dutiful leader
Elrod - asleep underneath the tree
Eustice - a helluva poker player
Faylene - unique
Fido - has an unimaginative human
Floyd - sensitive, gentle
Forest - chief of the woods
Harley- spacious meadow (also, a motorcycle enthusiast)
Hattie - thankful
Homer - intelligent chum
Jed - friend of God
Junior - small human son
Layla - attentive face
Lexus - faithful as the auto
Lynndie - aviator
Maddy - Messiah's helpmate
Misty - an elf in the mist
Nyla - a winner
Otis - son of Otto (who is that?)
Peggy-Sue - queen of the South
Pervis - fortunate one
Porsha - attached to a German auto mechanic
Pristine - chaste, feminine
Raylene - stubborn as a mule
Rebel - resistant to authority (the name fits most of them!)
Rhiann - a mythological nymph
Rocky - macho prize fighter (pure muscle!)
Roscoe - huntsman from the forest
Roy - magnificent ruler
Ruby - fathomless gem
Rufus - chestnut-furred one
Sherman - staunch as the tank
Spencer - faithful
Wade - loves the water

908

END OF THE WORLD
By
Skeeter Davis

Why does the sun go on shining
Why does the sea rush to shore
Don't they know it's the end of the world
'Cause you don't love me any more

Why do the birds go on singing
Why do the stars glow above
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when I lost your love

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

Why does my heart go on beating
Why do these eyes of mine cry
Don't they know it's the end of the world
It ended when you said goodbye

END OF THE WORLD
Nonsense Song

Why was I doomy on Friday?
Why was I set for the worst?
'Cos they'd told us the end of the world
Would be today, the twenty-first.

Went to the bank on the High St.
Took my nest-egg in one burst,
Gave it away, hey, 'cos I knew today
Would be my final twenty-first.

I looked into the snowy sky, then wondered
Where the hidden danger could be;
Was it out there somewhere in the hushed evening air?
Hey... was it coming right for me?

Phoned every one that I'd cherished,
To say one shy, 'Love you, goodbye,'
"Why does the world have to end?" they'd sighed.
Why does it need to end, oh why?"

I woke on Saturday morning,
Shouted, "Yegods! I'm not dead!
"Gosh! No dying now! No end! ... no end?
"What nonsense!" so I stayed in bed.

909

[A three-way Christmas crossword includes 22 thematic entries comprising over half the letters in the grid. The letters in the completed grid are an anagram of both the "ACROSS" and "DOWN" clues which are anagrams of each other.]

ACROSS 1. Molten rock 4. Pop 7. Crooked 12. Prick 13. Have concerns 14. I'm who is Santa's third 15. Birthplace 16. Use my words 17. Blithe 18. Reminiscence 20. Adherence 24. Wise 26. O-C-O 28. Sheep heaps 30. Much beloved Crosby tune 32. I'm a first for Santa 34. Plaster type 35. Sugary nut confections 38. Scalia et al. 40. Smart-ass 43. Vestibule 45. Eyes 46. Mistaken; invalid 48. Calm 49. A kind of 52 Across 50. Cause a humorous crack-up 51. Guides 52. Coconut meringue, e.g. 53. "To our health!"

DOWN 1. Us fogies 2. Cartilage 3. Cherub 4. "Do I hear a thousand?" 5. Motor 6. When my true love gave me stuff 7. Fickleness 8. Spell check 9. "KLANG!" 10. Happen 11. Celebration 19. Topic 21. Accolades 22. Semaphores as a distress 23. Nativity 25. Stacks 27. Eccentric human 29. Arborous, resinous sap 31. Chutney 32. ¿Cómo se dice, "Two"? 33. Complete 36. Candy 37. Caribou 39. Cephalopod 41. Intermission 42. Isthmus is a kind 43. Enumerates 44. Vile, murky water 47. Scorch or burn

910

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

A Fiscal Cliff draws ever near
Down from a haunt in Washington,
And hooded heads just hum in fear,
Aye, nothing here seems to get done.

A Bush proposal to rewrite,
An errant law; dim, grim, inane.
Ah, to get it done tonight!
We wonder whether; Yea or Nay?

911

[For the year's end, Longfellow's poem December from 'The Poet's Calendar' is anagrammed into a bleak poem with a word-acrostic (read down its 1st words):]

Riding upon the Goat, with snow-white hair,
I come, the last of all. This crown of mine
Is of the holly; in my hand I bear
The thyrsus, tipped with fragrant cones of pine.
I celebrate the birth of the Divine,
And the return of the Saturnian reign;
My songs are carols sung at every shrine,
Proclaiming "Peace on earth, good will to men."

A Poem on Issues of Destiny

A sense of wonder welcoming with mirth
New products of the miracle of birth
Beginning then their trip upon this Earth
Leads nowhere - though it may give you relief
To change that and promote this right belief:
An early, harsh conviction that we all
End in this roaring fire no prayer can stall.

[However, shuffling the lines of this poem will result in a more positive poem and word-acrostic, for the new year:]

A Poem on Issues of Destiny

An early, harsh conviction that we all
End in this roaring fire no prayer can stall
Leads nowhere - though it may give you relief
To change that and promote this right belief:
A sense of wonder welcoming with mirth
New products of the miracle of birth,
Beginning then their trip upon this Earth.