901

An Englishman, a Mexican and an Irishman were carrying out some construction work on scaffolding on the 50th floor of a city skyscraper.

They were just about to eat their lunch, when the Englishman suddenly muttered, "Oh, bloody hell; it's cheese and pickle! If I get sodding cheese and pickle for lunch one more time I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and cried, "Arrgh! It's burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'll jump off, too."

Paddy the Irishman opened his lunch and muttered, "Begorra! It's corned beef and cabbage again. Oi tell ya, if oi get a corned beef and cabbage sandwich one more time, I'm feckin' jumpin' too."

The following day the Englishman opened his lunch, saw cheese and pickle, then wrote a suicide note and leapt straight to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch and saw the burritos and jumped too.

The Irishman opened his lunch, saw the corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Englishman's wife was weeping copiously. She said, "Oh, my poor, poor Trevor; if I'd known how tired he really was of all that cheese and pickle, I'd never have given it to him!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "My poor Pedro, I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I really didn't realize that he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the Irishman’s wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

A man walked into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side.

He placed the crocodile up on the bar and, turning to the astonished patrons, he said...

"I am going make you guys an amazing offer. In a minute, I shall open this ferocious brute's jaws and I shall place my manhood inside.

"Then the crocodile will close his mouth for a count of one minute.

"Then I shall make him open his mouth again and I shall remove my unit, uninjured.

"In exchange for witnessing this genuinely mindboggling spectacle, I'd expect a payoff - I expect each of you to buy me a drink of my choice. Deal?"

The crowd cheered in agreement so, in a flash, the man climbed up on the bar, then he dropped his jeans, and inserted his credentials in the crocodile's gaping mouth. The crowd gasped as the croc began closing his huge jaws...

After a seemingly endless minute the man grabbed a beer bottle and cracked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man did indeed remove his privates injury-free, exactly as promised.

The anxious crowd now cheered with relief as the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another announcement... "Ok, I will offer anyone $50 who is willing to give this a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a nervous hand went up in the back of the bar and a blonde woman timidly spoke up...

"I'm willing... just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle, ok?"

902

There was an old man from Peru,
Who dreamt he was eating a shoe.
He awoke in the night
With a terrible fright
And found it was perfectly true.

With a face one would say was sheet-white
In horror he turned on a light;
He ate up the left,
Remarked "I'm bereft"
For a mid-nap gnaw wasn't right!

903

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

My missus bought a paperback
In Asda, Saturday.
I had a look inside the bag -
'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it, see,
And went off up to bed.
An hour later, she appeared
The sight filled me with dread.

In one hand she held a rope,
The other held a whip.
She brandished them around a bit
And then began to strip.

Well, forty-seven years ago
I might have had a peek.
But Doris has not weathered well -
She's sixty-eight next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind, it
Could not be much grimmer.
And things progressed from bad to worse -
She toppled off her Zimmer.

She struggled back up to her feet
A good half hour later,
Put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her.

Now if you knew our Doris, you
Would know just why I cringed.
I'd been two months in traction, 'cos
My hips and knees unhinged.

She stood there nude. All naked, like,
Bent forward quite a bit
And, jumping back in fright, I went
And stood on her left tit.

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My word. What HAD I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the OTHER one!"

Well reader, I can tell no more
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Black and blue, battered too,
With wanton, wild perversion,
We decided that a night of sin
Was scarce worth such exertion.

Thank Heavens she has binned the book
And peace reigns, like before.
She's head to toe in winceyette
And back to back, we snore.

FIFTY SHADES OF RED

Paul Simon sang there must be fifty
Ways to leave your lover;
But I can vouch there's fifty shades
Of red, that's true, oh brother!

It started when my wife barked, "Hey!
You idle piece of shite,
Get outta bed and paint this room,
And do this by tonight!"

It's not my fault I have no job
And she's the one who works,
But doing nowt exhausts the brain
And sleep's my only perk!

But one fierce glare from Brenda makes
A pitbull quake with fear,
So when she barks, "Jump... now!" I answer,
"Right ...how high, my dear?"

I peered up from the sheets and blinked,
"What colour, hon?" I said.
"Do the woodwork white," she snarled,
"The walls I want done red."

And then, when Brenda went to work,
I crashed out of the bed,
Washed, made breakfast, then went out
To get the pot of red.

In the store a helpful chap
Asked if I needed aid,
"Red paint," I answered. "Sure," he grinned,
"... But we stock fifty shades!"

"There's cherry red and claret red:
Rose-red; tomato red;
A crimson red; harsh mailbox red and..."
"Stop! Enough!" I said.

My head was spinning like a top
And my mind boggling too,
So many hues from which to choose,
Ah, just what does one do?

I cannot get this wrong and chance
Incurring Brenda's rage,
And if I do, I guarantee
I wouldn't reach old age.

"Ah, heck... I'll take the lot!" I sighed,
And loaded my car up,
Then hit the high street, sneezed, and hit
The back end of a truck.

Those fifty pots flew out, exploded,
Burst like broken eggs,
The scene was carnage, bedlam, but...
Did I paint that town red!

904

Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover

Slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Kinky Ways to Seduce Your Lover

Yes, jump on her butt, Nut
Smack a wet glut, Brute
Loosen some volts, Dolt
Just focus on the pain
Use a neat ploy, Loy
Cuff feet to the bed, Fred
Dispose of the key, Cody
And enjoy her again

905

New Year's Resolutions
by Mrs. Khan

Just think think think
Of things you can do
To make yourself better
Before the year's through

Resolutions can be tough,
Or simple as can be,
Making resolutions,
Are great for you and me!

So what will you promise,
To help yourself my dear,
Through twenty thirteen
Have a happy new year!

Top Ten Commonly Broken New Year's Resolutions

Eat healthy (oh, a diet!);
Lose weight; be fit.
Learn something new.
Kick a smoking habit.

Hurry, honour your debt;
Store your future money.
Run off to a new place.
Spend time with the family.

Stay happy; abhor harsh
Arguing or any stress.
Just go, uh, volunteer.
A-OK, take sherry less.

906

HIGH is our calling, Friend!--Creative Art
(Whether the instrument of words she use,
Or pencil pregnant with ethereal hues,)
Demands the service of a mind and heart,
Though sensitive, yet, in their weakest part,
Heroically fashioned--to infuse
Faith in the whispers of the lonely Muse,
While the whole world seems adverse to desert.
And, oh! when Nature sinks, as oft she may,
Through long-lived pressure of obscure distress,
Still to be strenuous for the bright reward,
And in the soul admit of no decay,
Brook no continuance of weak-mindedness--
Great is the glory, for the strife is hard!

SHAKY is your power, Reid! (see 'Filibuster')
(Whether a handshake, order, or 'offer you can't refuse',
Or torture suffered, or overwhelming abuse,)
We thought you'd draft and administer
Evenhanded law that is less sinister,
Significantly reformed--to introduce
Trust to the victims of highest abuse,
This appears to the foreign minister
As weakness or stalling, unsurpassed!
The hotheads who deadlock by phone never flinch,
In their hollowness show no remorse--
When the high throne is defeated at last,
The chosen need to give them an inch
Will result, at length, in miles reinforced!

907

L'An Quarante Cinq, deux Cités bruslent
Par le grand feu d'Atome qu'un Chef décide
D'allumer instantanément par sa rage si
Grande pour une grosse Attaque du Japon.

The quarrel can render a couple of Japanese cities burned, and man's resultant atomic quantum unequalising grasp
equates to a dreadful danger trend expunged.

908

[A sonnet anagrammed into a poem with a relevant twist. Can you spot it?]

To The Evening Rainbow by Robert Southey

Mild arch of promise! On the evening sky
Thou shinest fair with many a lovely ray
Each in the other melting. Much mine eye
Delights to linger on thee; for the day,
Changeful and many-weather'd, seem'd to smile
Flashing brief splendor thro' its clouds awhile,
That deepen'd dark anon and fell in rain:
But pleasant it is now to pause, and view
Thy various tints of frail and watery hue,
And think the storm shall not return again.
Such is the smile that Piety bestows
On the good man's pale cheek, when he in peace
Departing gently from a world of woes,
Anticipates the realm where sorrows cease.

The Heat of the Israeli Winter

Rain shocks us when we hear that thunder's roar,
Regaling as we watch it plump and pour.
One flood can drench the crops and heal them so,
Our fields will be so pained to see that go:
Yeah, we may feel the odd resplendent spray,
Yet none of them are then too keen to stay.
Great streams in other lands may flow among
Green pine trees, which can then grow thick and strong,
But in my homeland, as a rule of thumb,
Brief showers end, and plants stay mainly numb.
I wish I'd touched one bit of snow, yet I
Inherit these annoying stimuli:
Vile rays of light that pierce me like a shiv,
Veiled in that early fog in Tel Aviv.

[The twist is in the lines' first and last letters. Each pair of lines is bookended by a letter (R, O, Y, G, B, I and V), which stand for the colors of the rainbow - Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo and Violet:]

The Heat of the Israeli Winter

Rain shocks us when we hear that thunder's roar,
Regaling as we watch it plump and pour.
One flood can drench the crops and heal them so,
Our fields will be so pained to see that go:
Yeah, we may feel the odd resplendent spray,
Yet none of them are then too keen to stay.
Great streams in other lands may flow among
Green pine trees, which can then grow thick and strong,
But in my homeland, as a rule of thumb,
Brief showers end, and plants stay mainly numb.
I wish I'd touched one bit of snow, yet I
Inherit these annoying stimuli:
Vile rays of light that pierce me like a shiv,
Veiled in that early fog in Tel Aviv.