901

SUPER TROUPER
By
Abba

Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
Like I always do
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

I was sick and tired of everything
When I called you last night from Glasgow
All I do is eat and sleep and sing
Wishing every show was the last show
(Wishing every show was the last show)
So imagine I was glad to hear you're coming
(Glad to hear you're coming)
Suddenly I feel all right
(And suddenly it's gonna be)
And it's gonna be so different
When I'm on the stage tonight

Tonight the
Super Trouper lights are gonna find me
Shining like the sun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Smiling, having fun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Feeling like a number one
Tonight the
Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Like I always do
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

Facing twenty thousand of your friends
How can anyone be so lonely
Part of a success that never ends
Still I'm thinking about you only
(Still I'm thinking about you only)
There are moments when I think I'm going crazy
(Think I'm going crazy)
But it's gonna be alright
(You'll soon be changing everything)
Everything will be so different
When I'm on the stage tonight

Tonight the
Super Trouper lights are gonna find me
Shining like the sun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Smiling, having fun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Feeling like a number one
Tonight the
Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Like I always do
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

So I'll be there when you arrive
The sight of you will prove to me I'm still alive
And when you take me in your arms
And hold me tight
I know it's gonna mean so much tonight

Tonight the
Super Trouper lights are gonna find me
Shining like the sun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Smiling, having fun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Feeling like a number one
Tonight the
Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Like I always do
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

[repeat and fade]

HORSY POSSESSION
By
Bob Beefburger

Red Rum, Phar Lap powering down the home straight,
Running sure and true,
Like you used to do,
I feel such kinship with you.

I was feeling strange as anything,
When I called you last night from Tesco,
I hope you'll forgive the whinnying,
I keep doing it, why I don't know,
(Doing it why I don't know)
I've been having these dreams where I'm running,
(Well, it's really more a gallop)
In some event at Fontwell Park,
(Or Plumpton or Brighton?)
Lots of people cheering then I
Wake up puffing in the dark.

They're off...!
It's Red Rum, Phar Lap speeding down the home run,
Running sure and true,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Like you used to do,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Guess I feel kinship with you.
See them go...!
Shergar, Mill Reef
Slipping past the 'Win' post
Noble as can be,
(N-no-ble, n-no-ble)
Two tip-top gee-gees,
(Top gee-gees, top gee-gees)
But nowhere near as fast as me!

Don't know why I'm chomping at the bit,
Guess it's something I ate for supper?
Filling up on burgers, buns and chips,
With the usual evening cuppa,
(The usual evening cuppa)
Usually I'm really very lazy
(He's really flipping lazy)
Now I'm skittish as a colt,
(You ought to see him prancing)
But since those Tesco burgers
I'd beat even Usain Bolt!

I see them...!
Red Rum, Phar Lap sweeping down the home run,
Super, sure and true,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Like you used to do,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
I such feel kinship with you.
There they go...!
Shergar, Mill Reef
Slipping past the 'Win' post,
Noble as can be
(N-no-ble, n-no-ble)
Two tip-top gee-gees,
(Tippy-top, tippy-top)
But nowhere super-fast as me!

I'm going now, for I can't wait,
I've got this ever so important morning date,
I've got to be in Epsom Downs
By five-to-eight,
I'm running the first race, so can't be late!

I see you...!
Red Rum, Phar Lap powering down the home straight,
Running sure and true,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Like you used to do,
(Run Red-Rum, run Phar Lap!)
I feel a kinship with you.
There they go...!
Shergar, Mill Reef
Slipping past the 'Win' post,
Noble as can be,
(N-no-ble, n-no-ble)
Two tip-top gee-gees,
(Tippy-top, tippy-top)
But nowhere near as fast as me!

[Keep up, people, 'cause I'm galloping!]

902

One careless young queer in Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up into his room.
They argued that night
Over who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom.

That quarrel, so hard they were thrown
With outrage, high dudgeon and moan,
Oh, it was such a hoot,
Kinky homo dispute
Having _bottom_ line: "Each to their own"

903

Look before you leap.

He who hesitates is lost.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

It's fine to be busy; just don't let it get on your nerves.

The meaning of life lies in serving; the value of life in giving.

Live up to your role and status, and fulfill your required duties.

Deal with matters with wisdom, and care for people with compassion.

An ordinary mind is a mind of utmost freedom and unsurpassed joy.

Rectify deviations with wisdom; accommodate others with compassion.

The busy make the most of time; the diligent enjoy the best of health.

Only after encounters with hardships will one be roused to vigorous diligence.

Work swiftly in an orderly fashion; never compete with time in a nervous flurry.

Bodily ailments do not necessarily constitute suffering; an unsettled mind does.

The deeper our compassion, the greater our wisdom and the fewer our vexations.

To uplift our character, begin with cultivating peace in mind, body, family and activity.

Be a down-to-earth person with a broad mind; be a sure hand with piercing foresight.

The relationship between a husband and wife is governed by marital ethics, not logic.

Scrutinize ourselves with a sense of shame, but view the world with a sense of gratitude.

Wisdom is not knowledge, nor experience, nor dialectical excellence, but a selfless attitude.

As long as we still have breath, we have boundless hope, and the breath we have is the greatest wealth.

Keep your ears and eyes wide open, but mouth tight shut; be quick with your hands and legs, but slow to spend.

To take on tough tasks, one must prepare to tough out complaints, and to be in charge is to be in for criticism. Yet complaints
help foster compassion and patience, and criticism often holds golden advice.

Grasp opportune conditions when they come, create them when there are none, and ere conditions ripen, never force a thing to be done.

Better late than never.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

Cultivate a big heart, but a small ego.

Our needs are few; our wants are many.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Every child is a little bodhisattva that helps the parents grow.

To be accommodating to others is to be accommodating to ourselves.

Stay at ease under all circumstances, and give whenever conditions allow.

Our value depends not on how long we live, but on how much we contribute.

Kindness and compassion have no enemies; wisdom engenders no vexations.

A positive life pivots on modesty; the bigger the ego, the greater the insecurity.

In peace and harmony, seize the promise of today, and live out a fresh tomorrow.

The purpose of life is to receive karmic results, fulfill old vows, and make new ones.

By just picking up litter and refraining from littering, we are doing meritorious deeds.

To be grateful and repay kindness-this is first; to benefit others is to benefit ourselves.

Pursue only what you can and should acquire. Never pursue what you can't and shouldn't acquire.

The best way to abstain from greed is to give more, contribute more, and share more with others.

In harmony with self and so with others, both in mind and in speech, one is full of joy and happiness.

When good things happen, we should rejoice in, praise, encourage, and then learn from them in modesty.

Who is willing to be openly exploited is noble-minded; who is insulted and insidiously exploited is dim-witted.

To let the circumstances dictate one's state of mind is human; to let the mind dictate the circumstances is sage.

When faced with any difficulty of life, resolve it by following these four steps: face it, accept it, deal with it, and then let it go.

Before you open your mouth to speak, think twice and chew your words carefully. The point is not to hold your peace, but to speak
with discretion and prudence.

904

The best-selling novel 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' has seduced women and baffled men.

Now a clever spoof, 'Fifty Sheds Of Grey', offers a treat for the men, as author Colin Grey recalls his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some recollections...

FIFTY SHEDS OF GREY:

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against the wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion that the bottom of the garden was plainly the correct place for the shed.

She stood there, trembling in the shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want."
So we went to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I grunted with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to purchase all sorts of ropes, chains and shackles.
She's still managing to get into that shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Hmm, kinky," she purred.
"Well," I rasped, "we can't be too careful, not with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she purred, biting her lip. "I need punishing."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the bench tightly. "Harder!"
"Right," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back spent, gazing happily out the shed window.
Despite all my concerns about my chronic lack of experience, the rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you certain you can stand the pain?" she snarled, brandishing the stilettos.
"I think I can," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said... and she showed me the till-receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I snarled. "You've got fat ankles and rotten dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I said. "Only, when I'm done, you'll be unable to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Right," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer as only a proper man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she purred, gently caressing my neck as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

THOSE WONDERFUL CHURCH BULLETINS!

Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) really appeared in bulletins or were announced during services:


The Fasting and Prayer session on Sunday includes meals.

Ladies, do not forget Tuesday's rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Katharine Sharkey sang 'I will not pass this way again,' thus giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Tuesday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Geoffrey Eddison and Hazel Baker-Maddox got married last Friday in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The theme of the evening sermon tonight will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practise.

Eight new choir robes are urgently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The boy scouts are seeking aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Potluck supper Sunday at five PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This weekend there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and a flask and be prepared to sin.

The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Monday at seven-fifteen PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement this Friday at seven PM. The congregation is duly invited to attend this tragedy.

The Weight Watchers meeting is Saturday at eight PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double doors by the side entrance.

Keith Swaffham, the Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: " I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

905

[Alexander Pope's VERSES LEFT BY MR. POPE is anagrammed into another poem (about another Pope) with an acrostic constraint.]

VERSES LEFT BY MR. POPE
by Alexander Pope

With no poetic ardour fir'd
I press the bed where Wilmot lay;
That here he lov'd, or here expir'd,
Begets no numbers grave or gay.

Beneath thy roof, Argyle, are bred
Such thoughts as prompt the brave to lie
Stretch'd out in honour's nobler bed,
Beneath a nobler roof - the sky.

Such flames as high in patriots burn,
Yet stoop to bless a child or wife;
And such as wicked kings may mourn,
When freedom is more dear than life.

(CONTRO)VERS(I)ES LEFT BY THE POPE

Paolo Gabriele of the "VatiLeaks,"
Our blabbering butler got the pardon!
Pedophiles, the newsworthy show freaks,
Expect a shy young boy's hard-on!

Bumbling, the stubborn Shepherd said:
Evil and inhuman brothers there!
Nasty critical word for Mohammed,
Errors uttered by God's Rottweiler!

Do be 'same-sex marriage' free
In chunky-heeled Prada shoes!
Condoms perhaps increase HIV?
The fortunate few from Hitler Youth!

906

[The first 2 acrostics are formed by the Female poem's first letters and the Male poem's last letters:]

What This Lady Likes Most

He'd call me Peach and Honeydew,
Ensuring that his love is true;
Romantic odes make their debut -
However droll, they will not do.
Each ode and bluff can be his foe
And can dissolve this status quo;
Real love is friendly and mundane -
Though it's a hard one to obtain.

The Rhymes of a Crafty Man

Her face is stiff; she breathes a sigH,
Not  very  pleased  with me  -  yet  I
Will bring that love back  to her eyeS
By   trying   hard   and  aiming  higH:
Creative  odes  performed   with  gleE
Might promptly  answer  her brief pleA;
One   poem   will prevent   that   waR,
Establishing     a    firm     rapporT.


The 3rd acrostic is formed by the poems' other set of last & first letters, but only appears when the Female & Male poems intermingle:


What This Lady Likes Most       The Rhymes of a Crafty Man

He'd call me  Peach  and HoneydeW,
                                Her face is stiff; she breathes a sigH,
Ensuring that  his  love  is truE;
                                Not  very pleased  with  me  -  yet  I
Romantic odes  make  their  debuT -
                                Will bring that love back  to her eyeS
However droll,  they  will not dO.
                                By   trying   hard   and  aiming  higH:
Each ode and bluff can be his foE
                                Creative  odes  performed   with  gleE
And can dissolve  this status quO;
                                Might promptly  answer  her brief pleA;
Real love is friendly and mundanE -
                                One   poem   will prevent   that   waR,
Though it's a hard one  to obtaiN.
                                Establishing     a    firm     rapporT.