901

IT MIGHT AS WELL RAIN UNTIL SEPTEMBER
By
Carole King

What shall I write?
What can I say?
How can I tell you how much I miss you?

The weather here has been as nice as it can be
Although it doesn't really matter much to me
For all the fun I'll have while you're so far away
It might as well rain until September

I don't need sunny skies for things I like to do
'Cause I stay home the whole day long and think of you
As far as I'm concerned each day's a rainy day
So It might as well rain until September

My friends look forward to their picnics on the beach
Yes everybody loves the summertime
But you know darling while your arms are out of reach
The summer isn't any friend of mine

It doesn't matter whether skies are grey or blue
It's raining in my heart 'cause I can't be with you
I'm only living for the day you're home to stay
So It might as well rain until September
September, September, oh
It might as well rain until September

IT MAY WELL RAIN UNTIL SEPTEMBER
By
Noah Sark

When will it clear?
Where will I go?
Is there a way they can stop it raining?

This soggy weather is as wretched as can be
With rain each day for what seems an eternity
It's March, yet still it's pouring in our great UK
Hey, I hear it might rain until September!

I yearn for sunny days like those I used to know
But I see heavy rain, then massive floods follow
As far as I'm aware they could be here to stay
Hmm, it may go on until September!

They say the lion of March goes lamb-like come the hour
In May, the Summer's marking time behind
Though in between we face those bloody April showers!
Ouch! Mother Nature you're no friend of mine!

It's said into each life a drop of rain may fall
And usually it would not matter much at all
Yet it's rained endlessly throughout successive months
Hey, it might well rain until September, October, November... Yikes! it
May well rain until December!

902

HOW TO RECOGNISE ARTISTS FROM THEIR PAINTINGS.

1. If the images have a dark background and everybody has tortured expressions on their faces, it's TITIAN

2. If everyone in the painting has enormous arses, then it's RUBENS

3. If all the men look like cow-eyed curly-haired women, it's CARAVAGGIO

4. If the paintings have tons of little people in them but otherwise seem normal, it's BRUEGEL

5. If the paintings have quite a lot of little people in them but also have a ton of crazy bullshit, it's BOSCH

6. If everyone looks like hobos illuminated by only a dim streetlamp, it's REMBRANDT

7. If the paintings could easily have a few chubby Cupids, or sheep, added (or already has them) it's FRANCOIS BOUCHER

8. If everyone is beautiful, naked and stacked, it's MICHELANGELO

9. If you see a ballerina, it's DEGAS

10. If everything is highly-contrasted and sharp, sort of bluish, and everybody has gaunt, bearded faces, it's EL GRECO

11. If you see a dozen eyes and noses but there's only one person in the painting, it's PICASSO

12. If everyone - including the women - looks like Vladimir Putin, then it's VAN EYCK

13. If his paintings remind you of the sort of surreal dreams you have after an evening spent drinking beer and tequila slammers, followed by an extra-late night meal of curried eggs with cheese fondue whilst listening to 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds', it's SALVADOR DALI

HOW TO RECOGNISE THE TOP-THIRTEEN RANKED ANAGRAM ACES FROM THEIR 'GRAMS.

13. If the ideas are innovative, inventive and exhibit a waspish sense of humour, it's DAVID BOURKE

12. If they are concise and clever, it's MIKE MESTERTON-GIBBONS

11. If they display a high-degree of rudeness, with occasional lapses into the philosophical, it's RICK ROTHSTEIN

10. If an unexpected diamond suddenly gleams into view, it's probably by... VIEW.

9. If love of, and dedication to, the art looks evident in his anagrams, it's bound to be that Aussie bloke LARRY BRASH:

8. If they please and give great value for 'Monet', it'll be ELLIE DENT

7. If you see sporadic but high-quality submissions that generally win, it's SCOTT GARDNER

6. If seen to be funny, inventive and quintessentially English? Oh, I'd say it's CHRISTOPHER STURDY

5. If they're vibrant and innovative, it's the gentle DHARAM KALSA

4. If you see a poignant, beautifully-crafted poem in 'Special' and a full-house of Noms, then it's ADIE PENA

3. If you see this superb crossword puzzle in 'Special' and a funny gag in 'Medium' or 'Long', it's the versatile NEDESTO!

2. When Nicola, of the Daily Mail's 'Peterborough' column, checks her emails on a Monday morning and yells, 'Heck, who is all this deranged gobbledegook from?' it's TONY CRAFTER:

1. If the sheer genius of the work literally takes flight before your eyes, it's the peerless MEYRAN KRAUS:

903

[C. P. Cavafy's poem THE IDES OF MARCH is anagrammed into another poem THE INTERPRETATION OF DREAMS with a relevant hidden constraint -- The first two or three letters of each line in the anagram spell out SOOTHSAYER ARTEMIDORUS DALDIANUS, the same 2nd century Artemidorus mentioned in THE IDES OF MARCH. He is known for the five-volume Greek work the Oneirokritikon (Oneirocritica) or, in English, THE INTERPRETATION OF DREAMS.]

THE IDES OF MARCH
by C. P. Cavafy
Translated by Edmund Keeley and Philip Sherrard

Guard, O my soul, against pomp and glory.
And if you cannot curb your ambitions,
at least pursue them hesitantly, cautiously.
And the higher you go,
the more searching and careful you need to be.

And when you reach your summit, Caesar at last-
when you assume the role of someone that famous-
then be especially careful as you go out into the street,
a conspicuous man of power with your retinue;
and should a certain Artemidorus
come up to you out of the crowd, bringing a letter,
and say hurriedly: "Read this at once.
There are things in it important for you to see,"
be sure to stop; be sure to postpone
all talk or business; be sure to brush off
all those who salute and bow to you
(they can be seen later); let even
the Senate itself wait-and find out immediately
what grave message Artemidorus has for you.

THE INTERPRETATION OF DREAMS

Some people decipher and discover obscure unusual future meanings;
Others construe yet clarify your whereabouts situated in slumber.
Saying your famous paean and sympathetic pastorale thoughtfully;
Errors, and that mute travesty of yesterday, agitated by the number.

Artful ephemera become a speech, about a lie that can be lost with a sigh;
Empty theosophies, the catatonic eyes tainted by an enormous yawn;
Idols, the hefty bodies and figurines, in your famous Dali-like landscape;
Rust-coloured tattery, too austere like the mournful mahogany dawn.

Dallying here, a footnote in the safe subconscious shallows no more;
Diving through the treacherous, monotonous blue waters much too deep.
Anchored torturously in your harbour, the meadowsweet cottage far away,
Usually found deteriorating in anybody's anomalous sleep.

904

[Sara Teasdale's Twilight is anagrammed into another poem about day's end containing a relevant acrostic constraint.]

Twilight - Sara Teasdale

Dreamily over the roofs
The cold spring rain is falling;
Out in the lonely tree
A bird is calling, calling.

Slowly over the earth
The wings of night are falling;
My heart like the bird in the tree
Is calling, calling, calling.

Her Ethereal Choir

Toward the close of day,
When shadows are colliding;
Inviting all the lonely girls to
Listen to familiar crying.

Illumined by lightning,
Gentle air is sparkling;
Heartfelt galas all flare alive,
The night circle be starting!

905

[To celebrate the 125th anniversary of the Eiffel Tower (erected in March 31st, 1889), Dante Rossetti's sonnet about Paris is anagrammed into a poem about the tower itself with a visual constraint, detailed below. Enjoy!]

About Paris

Tiled floors in bedrooms; trees (now run to seed —
Such seed as the wind takes) of Liberty;
Squares with new names that no one seems to see;
Scrambling Briarean passages, which lead
To the first place you came from; urgent need
Of unperturbed nasal philosophy;
Through Paris (what with church and gallery)
Some forty first-rate paintings, or indeed
Fifty mayhap; fine churches; splendid inns;
Fierce sentinels (toy-size without the stands)
Who spit their oaths at you and grind their r's
If at a fountain you would wash your hands;
One Frenchman (this is fact) who thinks he spars:
Can even good dinners cover all these sins?

That French Spire I Saw

As fondly I would gaze
At photos I had taken,
Those scenes in nobler France
Would thrash in me, awakened:
Each shop is glamorous,
Each square is sunny there,
The food is wonderful
And stress is very rare -
But often, in the depths,
One plus is permanent
More than its fussy fans
That watched its fresh ascent,
And 'neath this noble force
Composed with subtlety,
French, shiny openness
Shrouds timid novelty.
So scorn it, if you want,
And draw it - if you dare,
Though painting eagerly
Seems artificial there,
As, on prestigious grounds
Where iron has this heart,
Our epic shaft will grow
And climb beyond prime art.

[The visual tribute appears when the poem is centered and every word containing an I in the poem body is highlighted:]