901

THE RULE BIBLE FOR GUYS
Rules from Men to Women

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to shift the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You never hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sport. It's like Time and the Changing of the Tides. Let it be.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be very clear about this. Subtle hints don't work on men; neither do big hints, neither do obvious hints. Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable replies to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you require our help solving it. That's what men do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

Anything we said three months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments may become null and void after a maximum of seven days.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we've said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you'd like it done. Never both. If you already know the best way of doing it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say anything you have to say during the commercial breaks.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need to ask directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only sixteen colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Aubergine is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it'll be scratched. Men do that.

If a man asks what's wrong and you reply 'nothing,' he'll act like nothing's wrong. He probably realizes you're fibbing, but it just isn't worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you might not want to hear.

If we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you're wearing is fine... Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor racing.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I'm in shape. Round IS a shape!

A headache that lasts for eighteen months is a problem. See a doctor.

Beer is as enticing for us as handbags are for you.

Kindly remember these rules.

Rules - Men to Men:

Any man who takes a camera to a bachelor party may be lawfully killed and possibly eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is quite okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
As soon as he sees Jennifer Aniston start to undo her blouse b) After wrecking your boss's Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth

Unless he killed someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within twelve hours.

If you've known a guy for over twenty-four hours, his sister is out of bounds forever, unless you actually marry her.

The standard time you should have to wait for a guy who is running late is around six minutes. The longest waiting time allowed is seven minutes

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, it is okay to moan at will if the temperature is too warm.

No man shall ever be expected to buy a birthday present for another man. (Even just knowing your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

When coming upon some other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you should never ask who is playing.

Guys do not let their buddies wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If another man's zipper is down, that is his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

Women who say they "love to watch sport" should be treated as spies until they demonstrate a detailed knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

If you compliment a guy on his 'exquisite six-pack', you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Phrases that may not be uttered directly to another man while he's lifting weights: a) Push it harder, sweet cheeks! b) Give me one more - now! c) One last set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?

Don't ever talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on an equal footing, i.e: both peeing, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation that is needed.

When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a way that also gives you no chance of hooking up either.

Thanks for reading this.

902

CRY ME A RIVER
by Julie London

Now you say you're lonely,
You cry the whole night through.
Well you can cry me a river,
Cry me a river,
I cried a river over you.

Now you say you're sorry,
For being so untrue.
Well you can cry me a river,
Cry me a river,
I cried a river over you.

You drove me, nearly drove me,
Out of my head;
While you never shed a tear.
Remember, I remember,
All that you said;
Told me love was too plebeian,
Told me you were through with me and...

Now you say you love me,
Well, just to prove you do,
Come on and cry me a river,
Cry me a river,
I cried a river over you.

GOODBYE JOAN RIVERS [1933-2014]

Now you're very clammy
Yet you're able to do.
Well you can cry, my ill Rivers;
Cry, my still Rivers.
We cried a river over you.

Now you are that moody,
Now vital you've the flu.
Well you can cry, my old Rivers;
Bye, my cold Rivers.
We cried a river over you.

Your glamour, that humour;
I enjoy dear
Every loud laugh eruption!
Remember, the performer
Mayhem I hear.
I love you are one comedienne;
You are somehow true with me and...

Now you are that lovely,
America, adieu.
Come on and cry, our one Rivers;
Bye, our gone Rivers.
Hey, we cried a river over you.

903

PRIVATE DANCER
A song by Tina Turner

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names

You don't think of them as human
You don't think of them at all
You keep your mind on the money
Keeping your eyes on the wall

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

I wanna make a million dollars
I wanna live out by the sea
Have a husband and some children
Yeah, I guess I want a family

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
Just a private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

Deutsch marks or dollars
American Express will do nicely, thank you
Let me loosen up your collar
Tell me, do you wanna see me do the shimmy again?

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
Just a private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do

All the men come in these places
And the men are all the same
You don't look at their faces
And you don't ask their names

You don't think of them as human
No, you don't think of them at all
You keep your mind on the money
Keeping your eyes on the wall

I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
I'll do what you want me to do
I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
And any old music will do
(repeat and fade...)

PRIVATE DANCER
(Military two-step)

I'm a bored and lonely guardsman
In a dull old sentry box
Here outside the royal palace
Where I'm stood up like a rock

And the minutes really drag on
And you may not move or talk
And the folk outside the palace
Come to look and shout and gawk

They call me Private Dancer and say I'm a fool, 'cause
I played out my own kooky joke
Instead of a slow march I did pirouettes
To entertain all of you folk

They all say I'm in deep doodah
Yeah, and danced well out of line
My superiors are furious
And I could incur a fine

Or they may dole out a sentence
In a military jail
'Cause I'm trendin' now on YouTube
And I'm in the Daily Mail

I'm known as Private Dancer oh, man, it's not funny
And now I am stuck with the name
Private Dancer, he danced when on duty
And that's my one mad claim to fame

(Chorus)
Hey, Private Dancer, one mad, mental moment
May mean your career has to end,
Private Dancer, what unholy torment
Oh, you never meant to offend.

No euro or dollar
Could allay the sorrow that makes my emotions so raw
And, oh, I feel really hollow
Lemme tell you, I'll not shimmy on duty no more

(Chorus)
Hey, Private Dancer, one mad mental moment
May mean your career has to end
Private Dancer, what unholy torment
Oh, you never meant to offend.

All my life I'm true and loyal
(Damned unusual these days!)
Loyal to you kooky Royals
And if we sever our ways

Hell, I'll duly keep on prancing
Who knows, in another year?
I may do 'Strictly Come Dancing'
And have me a new career.

As a champion dancer, a dancer for money,
Don't mind any music you use,
A champion dancer, a dancer for money's
What I am intended to do. Ha!
(repeat and end)

904

[A war sonnet is anagrammed into another sonnet about peace, which also contains a visual constraint detailed below it:]

Ella Wheeler Wilcox's War Sonnet

Above the chaos of impending ills,
Through all the clamour of insistent strife,
Now while the noise of arming nations fills
Each throbbing hour with menaces to life,
I hear the voice of Progress! Strange indeed
The shadowed pathways that lead up to light.
But as a runner sometimes will recede
That he may so accumulate his might,
Then with a will that needs must be obeyed
Rushes resistless to the goal with ease,
So the whole world seems now to retrograde,
Slips back to war, that it may speed to peace;
And in that backward step it gathers force
For the triumphant finish of its course.

The Horrible Hoax of War

When pundits strictly tell their mob to hate,
Or somehow use each issue to fuel fright,
Or in a chapel shout, "We mustn't wait!
The wretched hogs might trap us! Time to fight!",
We'd wince at the inept force of this bait.
This way can't heal those hearts or make life stronger;
As all the noble diplomats shall state,
"Peace is not swift at all, and war's much longer".
Men store a healthy stash of candid rage,
A widow airs dislike with every glare,
But for this genesis, we need this age
Of humble cheer - not panic or despair!
Though instant tenderness now should be awesome,
This epic miracle needs love to blossom.

[The sonnet contains the 7 Heavenly Virtues (chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility) in such a way that they display the peace sign:]


When pundits strictly tell their mob to hate,
Or somehow use each issue to fuel fright,
Or in a chapel shout, "We mustn't wait!
The wretched hogs might trap us! Time to fight!",
We'd wince at the inept force of this bait.
This way can't heal those hearts or make life stronger;
As all the noble diplomats shall state,
"Peace is not swift at all, and war's much longer".
Men store a healthy stash of candid rage,
A widow airs dislike with every glare,
But for this genesis, we need this age
Of humble cheer - not panic or despair!
Though instant tenderness now should be awesome,
This epic miracle needs love to blossom.