901

It seems Trump is a very tough cat.
He'll whip China and Mexico stat
And exact retribution.
His magic solution?
Calling "mean" countries "ugly" and "fat."

The total politic public got inflamed
As our stern caustic cynic exclaimed:
"That vixen Megyn
Is menstruatin'!"
Again a girl who our nut has shamed.

902

It seems Trump is a very tough cat.
He'll whip China and Mexico stat
And exact retribution.
His magic solution?
Calling "mean" countries "ugly" and "fat."

Our Adie was exactly right --
Trump is cunningly impolite;
This man can lie and accuse,
Using the ill context to amuse,
And a comb-over that is a fright!

903

OH I WISH I'D LOOKED AFTER ME TEETH
By
Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth,
And spotted the dangers beneath
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food.
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

I wish I'd been that much more willin'
When I had more tooth there than fillin'
To give up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers,
And to buy something else with me shillin'.

When I think of the lollies I licked
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.

My mother, she told me no end,
'If you got a tooth, you got a friend.'
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin'
And pokin' and fussin'
Didn't seem worth the time - I could bite!

If I'd known I was paving the way
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fillin's,
Injections and drillin's,
I'd have thrown all me sherbet away.

So I lie in the old dentist's chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine
In these molars of mine.
'Two amalgam,' he'll say, 'for in there.'

How I laughed at my mother's false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath.
But now comes the reckonin'
It's me they are beckonin'
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

OH I WISH I'D LOOKED AFTER MY FEET (A Supermodel's Career Is Harsh)

Oh, I wish I'd looked after my feet,
While they were still pretty and neat;
Years of squeezing my toes
Into thin stilettos
Has left them all shredded and beat.

At the time it was oh so darn thrillin',
When I strode down the catwalk (top billin'!)
As I postured and posed,
In those chic, high-end clothes,
All the time the poor tootsies were killin'!

When I think of the pain I'd go through,
Going out, clad in ill-fitting shoes,
As I tried not to hobble,
Or, worst of all, wobble,
In case I was in public view.

I had implants to coerce the males,
Had the latest high-tech bathroom scales,
As I starved my thin tummy
So I could look scrummy,
But the feet? I just painted the nails.

Perhaps, had I shared the conceit,
(Of looking so hot) with my feet
I'd have nipped in the bud all
The ensuing trouble
I had with the trotters beneath.

Though I'm now thirty-nine and still thin,
I am fine from the head to the shin,
But the region below,
Between ankle and toe
Is decidedly ugly as sin.

I wish I'd looked after my feet,
They're a mash of odd sinews and meat,
All the bunions and corns
Have made them deformed,
Boy, I shoulda considered my feet.

Tonight, drinking overpriced wine,
I made one remarkable find!
As I posed with "Posh" Beckham
At my pad in Peckham ...
I saw her feet were much worse than mine!

904

The Peace of Wild Things
by Wendell Berry (from Kentucky, USA)

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Levity
When the weight of routine is heavy,
I withdraw and retire to the 'healthier' country,
where I wander the weeded pathway
along the deteriorated ditch,
where frogs loiter in stagnant water
to catch the wretched flies.
I inhale a whiff of ragweed,
and exhale (ugh) into a clean handkerchief.

Let It Be
by The Beatles (of Liverpool, England)

When I find myself in times of trouble,
Mother Mary comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom,
'Let it be.'

And in my hour of darkness,
She is standing right in front of me,
Speaking words of wisdom,
'Let it be.'

905

SICK

"I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more -that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue -
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke -
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is -what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is . . . Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

RICH

"I ought to be the president,"
Said Donald Trump, the malcontent.
"I have a zillion dollars, see.
I'm filthy rich, so vote for me!
My house is huge, my purse is big,
I'm such a chauvinistic pig.
My kickbacks are backed up by goons,
I'm sacking sixteen rival loons -
I'm number one in seventeen,
And don't you think my wealth's obscene?
My mug is smug, my skin is tan,
I'm glaringly my greatest fan.
I blame and brag and screech and cuss,
My empire's way luxurious.
My plan's to raise that fence and then
Let's make this nation great again!
My money's crisp, my team excels,
I have the finest prime hotels.
My teeth are fake, my wife is hot,
I'm naughty on my private yacht.
My nose is high, my shit don't stink,
I barely care what people think.
My blood is blue, my lawn is green,
I think my hair is mighty keen.
My brain's acute, my heart is grand,
My sound bites are in high demand.
My stock is up, I cannot lose,
I'm always in the nightly news.
I have a hyena, and my housekeeper -what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is . . . Voting Day?
G'bye, I'm dropping out to play!"

906

The race has been thrown out of kilter
By Trump, who is lacking a filter.
I have three more lines left,
But I'm sadly bereft
Because "builder," alas, ain't spelled "builter."

I fear to burst Trump's filthy bubble
For America's entities are in trouble.
While allegedly slick,
See the top man's a dick!
Who are left alive underneath the rubble?