901

There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,

Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium,
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium,
And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium,
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.

There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium,
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium,
There's strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium.

There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium,
And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium,
And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium.

And lead, praseodymium and platinum, plutonium,
Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium,
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.

There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium,
And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium,
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium,
And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium.

These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard,
And there may be many others but they haven't been discovered.
=

I'm sure you had in mind in the almost sixty years since Mr. Tom Lehrer put out his monumental musical tribute to the Mendelevian manual of elements, sixteen more have been found. They include Lawrencium and Rutherfordium and Dubnium and Seaborgium and Bohrium and Hassium and Meitnerium and Darmstadtium and Roentgenium and Copernicium and Ununtrium and Flerovium and Ununpentium and Livermorium and Ununseptium and Ununoctium You'll note that several of them start with "unun". These are place holders signifying their atomic number until such time as actual names can be assigned to them by the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC), the organization that keeps the nomenclature humming along. You should all hum, too, my minions -- "Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-dum-dum-dum-dum" I said HUM, not murmur! Once again: "Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-dum-dum-dum" I can see my ruination is much more a haphazard comedy, a mumbling communication, a minimum bumble, more than alarums and uproars. My pluck, my acumen, my anagrammical brilliance command more rank opprobrium. At a minimum, an annual run should be made, but my run ran uphill. No minimum armor could annul damn N numbers. "N" and "N" and "N" in an unlearned manner in our annum. I ramble: "Hurrah, non-Bananas under Nirvana!"

902

'Don't Let's Be Beastly To The Germans' - Noel Coward

We must be kind, and with an open mind
We must endeavour to find a way
To let the Germans know that when the war is over
They are not the ones who'll have to pay.
We must be sweet, and tactful and discreet
And when they've suffered defeat
We mustn't let them feel upset
Or ever get the feeling that we're cross with them or hate them,
Our future policy must be to reinstate them.

Don't let's be beastly to the Germans
When our victory is ultimately won,
It was just those nasty Nazis who persuaded them to fight
And their Beethoven and Bach are really far worse than their bite
Let's be meek to them, and turn the other cheek to them
And try to bring out their latent sense of fun.
Let's give them full air parity
And treat the rats with charity,
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun.

We must be just, and win their love and trust
And in addition we must be wise
And ask the conquered lands to join our hands to aid them.
That would be a wonderful surprise.
For many years they've been in floods of tears
Because the poor little dears
Have been so wronged and only longed
To cheat the world, deplete the world
And beat the world to blazes.
This is the moment when we ought to sing their praises.

Don't let's be beastly to the Germans
When we've definitely got them on the run
Let us treat them very kindly as we would a valued friend
We might send them out some bishops as a form of lease and lend,
Let's be sweet to them, and day by day repeat to them
That 'sterilization' simply isn't done.
Let's help the dirty swine again
To occupy the Rhine again,
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun.

Don't let's be beastly to the Germans
When the age of peace and plenty has begun.
We must send them steel and oil and coal and everything they need
For their peaceable intentions can be always guaranteed.
Let's employ with them a sort of 'strength through joy' with them,
They're better than us at honest manly fun.
Let's let them feel they're swell again,
And bomb us all to hell again,
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun.

Don't let's be beastly to the Germans
For you can't deprive a gangster of his gun
Though they've been a little naughty,
To the Czechs and Poles and Dutch,
But I don't suppose those countries really minded very much.
Let's be free with them and share the BBC with them,
We mustn't prevent them basking in the sun.
Let's soften their defeat again,
And build their bloody fleet again,
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun.

=

My Wee Toast to the Scots

Wha hae the Scots? They've amazing grace!
Glasgae up to Aberdeen,
Newton Stewart, to Edinburgh,
John O'Groats down to Gretna Green.

They do moan that independence they wanted,
Tend to slur, horizontally pissed,
But if we were left without them "sweaties",
Then they truthfully would be most missed.

They CAN be a wee tadette tight-fisted,
The battered Mars Bar they greedily consumed,
Should that Sturgeon bust the union, though,
- Then we're doomed, mon...ah tell ye that...DOOMED!

Now, that Barnett Formula might well annoy a few,
Though from The Krankies (shudder!) we'd recoil,
Why, even that, we've fully forgiven them.
(Well, we must want all the North Sea oil!)

They gave us haggis, neeps and tatties,
Bell's, Tennent's Stout, Irn Bru,
The Dundee Cake, the tasty shortbread,
Sweet teeth to tempt, the noo!

The Tam O'Shanters with the red-headed wig,
The Saltire, the 'pipes, tweed, and all...
But with that twat Duncan Bannatyne's attitude,
Thumbs up, Hadrian mate, for the wall.

The myth of the Loch Ness Monster,
The purple-hued heather, thistle, ferns,
The wee sleekit tim'rous beasties,
Unsettled by THE poet...Burns.

David Clouthard, Simple Minds' hits,
Little Lulu (Still would! What a fittie!),
Rab C. Nesbitt, in that tatty old vest,
The tartan-trewed Rollers (Bay City).

The talented Andy Murray,
The best Bond (well, that's Shir Sean),
Billy Connolly (the demented 'Big Yin'),
- All north of the border born.

The greens...they've the very finest,
That we have ever seen.
(Added to eighteen holes of Donald Trump's,
Tee-to-putt, in Aberdeen).

The detested Prime Ministers, Blair and Brown,
(For them two, we blame New Labour),
Both, in my humble opinion,
Voted "tossers". (Of the caber).

The velvety-toned Susan Boyle,
Braveheart, Sawney Bean, Midge Ure,
James, Ben, Simon..."Mon the Biff!"
Stephen Hendry, Denis Law.

Renton, Begbie, Sick Boy, Spud, Diane,
(That's the Trainspotting lot),
The tasty, petite Sheena Easton,
Angus Young, the late Bon Scott.

Lonnie Donegan, Carol Ann Duffy,
The tenements, the sonsie face,
Robert Louis Stevenson,
Oor Wullie, the Faslane Naval Base.

Groundskeeper Willie MacDougal,
The steam engine fellow James Watt,
The mouthy lefty Tommy Sheridan,
Dee Hepburn, Queen Liz's yacht.

The frozen, wet slopes of Ben Nevis,
Edinburgh Castle, the Fringe, the Tattoo...
The beheaded Mary Stuart,
The country's teams in navy blue.

Paddy, Jock, Taff, sassenach,
Let's at Hogmanay duly entwine,
Between us, down that bottle of Drambuie,
And blotto, hammer-out Auld Lang Syne!

903

HELLO DOLLY
(From the show of the same name)

Hello Dolly, well hello Dolly
It's so nice to have you back where you belong
You're lookin' swell Dolly, I can tell Dolly
You're still glowin', you're still crowin', you're still goin' strong
I feel the room swayin' while the band's playin'
One of your old favourite songs from way back when
So, take her wrap fellas, find her an empty lap fellas
Dolly never go away again

Hello Dolly, well hello Dolly
It's so nice to have you back where you belong
You're lookin' swell Dolly, I can tell Dolly
You're still glowin', you're still crowin', you're still goin' strong
I feel the room swayin' while the band's playin'
One of your old favourite songs from way back when
So, golly gee fellas, find her a vacant knee fellas
Dolly'll never go away, I said she'll never go away
Dolly, never go away again
=

HELLO DOLLY PARTON
(A no-lies confession)
Woebegone Willy

Hello Dolly, well hello Dolly
I have been a fan for over forty years
Wow, your breasts Dolly, are the best golly
So compelling, ever swelling, they bring me to tears
And your waist, golly, looks well-laced, Dolly
Or is it slim 'cause things won't grow well in the shade?
So croon a tune, Dolly, 'I Will Always Love You', Dolly
(I believe it's in the key of A)

Hello Dolly, well hello Dolly,
One smile from you can help our day along
Tho' you're no nun, baby, you're a fun lady
Say a 'hello' to a fellow who loves all your songs
With each year shiftin', and each face-liftin'
All your wrinkles melt like snowflakes in the Spring
So, wear some pink, Dolly, crack me a winning wink, Dolly
Fragrant Dolly, gee how I love you
Fragrant Dolly, gee how I love you
Golly, gee have I fallen for you!

904

The Snake

On her way to work one morning,
Down the path along the lake,
A tender-hearted woman,
Saw a poor half-frozen snake.

Her pretty colored skin had been
All frosted with the dew,
"Oh well," she cried, "I'll take you in,
And I'll take care of you!"

She wrapped him up all cozy,
In a curvature of silk,
And then laid him by the fireside,
With honey and some milk.

Now she stroked his pretty skin,
And then she kissed him and held him tight,
But instead of saying "thank you",
That snake gave her a vicious bite.

"I saved you!" cried the woman,
"And you've bitten me, heavens why?
You know your bite is poisonous,
And now I'm going to die".

"Oh shut up, silly woman!"
Said the reptile with a grin,
"You knew damn well I was a snake,
Before you took me in!"

=

The Sneak

Hey, Obama! Time up, thank you!
- Yanks headed down to the poll,
"Make America Great Again!",
Is the key, united goal.

That hawkish Clinton woman?
Why, Hillary got busted.
Her E-mail lies, I think, undid her,
She's frankly, SO not to be trusted!

In November, people nationwide,
Of any sense, took leave,
Installing President Trump, winner,
To humankind's collective heave.

Oh no! America woke, dazed,
Endured pain, fury, dark despair,
As any of dark-hued skin were hounded,
By the shady billionaire.

Money, oh yes, how money talks!
High from the White House flew,
A Nazi swastika,
Which, honestly, won't do.

"Oh shut it, you stupid voters!",
Whined "The Donald" with a glower,
"You KNEW I was a frickin' asshole,
Before voting me into power!"

905

RUBY TUESDAY

She would never say where she came from
Yesterday don't matter if it's gone
While the sun is bright
Or in the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and goes.

[CHORUS] Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you?
When you change with every new day
Still I'm gonna miss you.

Don't question why she needs to be so free
She'll tell you it's the only way to be
She just can't be chained
To a life where nothing's gained
And nothing's lost
At such a cost

[CHORUS]

"There's no time to lose," I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams and you...
Will lose your mind
Ain't life unkind?

[REPEAT CHORUS TWICE]

=

RUBIO MARCO

Note the mayhem than this senselessness;
With only the flimflam, you got no success.
Latino like Ted,
Dressy ties of red;
Was in the race,
Stuck in third place.

[CHORUS] Goodbye, Rubio Marco!
They would never vote for you.
You're John Kasich's robot-to-go,
They ain't gonna miss you!

You need the finest edge and be aware;
Don't tangle with the smoothest billionaire.
Why question his hands?
Yes, you must understand
"The Donald" brand
Sounds big and grand.

[CHORUS]

We see how they unwholesomely engage;
The shameless way they ungentlemanly wage.
Yes, they wished you ill;
Your chances are nil
In Florida --
They worried ya.

[REPEAT CHORUS TWICE]

906

DUST IF YOU MUST
A Poem
by Rose Milligan

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

=

LUST IF YOU MUST (I LIE)

Lust if you must but wouldn't you rather
Not endure this unsure, carnal lather?
Open the window, take a deep breath,
It isn't a matter of life and death.

Lust if you must but it would be best
If your hands weren't eternally seeking my breasts.
Enhanced adrenaline isn't too good,
Bite down instead on a hard piece of wood.

Lust if you must but I won't succumb,
I'm a middle-aged widow and also a mum,
I bake Dundee cakes for the WI,
So withdraw your hand from the top of my thigh

Lust if you must, but it's truly not on,
It's wanton, impure and it's oh so wrong,
But I do need to err and I'm currently free,
Sod it, I'm yours, come on Vicar, take me!

907

I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. =

Thou shalt have no other gods before me. =

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. =

Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; =

And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments. =

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. =

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. =

Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: =

But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: =

For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it. =

Honour thy father and thy mother:
that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee. =

Thou shalt not kill. =

Thou shalt not commit adultery. =

Thou shalt not steal. =

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. =

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's. =

But I echo the thought of Father, He who fought to help you dodge the doom of slavery and beating.

Thus, be safe! Have honor go to Me, the Lord!

Hah, heathen! Never have any statue of an idol. While breathtaking, they're unrighteous; they tarnish the Savior's name. Ignorant attention on them is taken to be a threat.

To pray to and glorify the statue of an idol god is sinful. To he here who doth hitherto question my truth, that then commands the further devotion of another faith; harsh judgement will then be given to them.

Heaven hands men a duty: men must know to respect common demands of The Almighty.

I'd hurt the foolish man that invokes the name of The Lord Almighty on sin, then take that loud villain straight down to Hell.

Repel hobby at home; make this day better.

Ah, slob! Today, do all hard tasks, with no luxury.

However, Saturday's thy total activity rest. No harsh, annoying work then through the day. Don't tend to that thornbush, save thy strength for any other day. Maybe try sitting still. Then, do that thornbush in a month.

The Heavenly Father, He has made the whole world, the land, and the odd beasts and birds that inhabited it, in more or less seven days; and He relaxed after the last day.

Show that you had loved thy family, thy brother and thy children.
Hug them, then hope that they not anger God.

Hunt talk? I'll shoot!

My! Don't touch all that moisture!

Thus, a last loot then.

Ah, that honesty fails us...bent lies about things are wrong.

Christians, never be envious of an obnoxious man. The things this man has, though they're costly, have no worth. Oh, that is irony! Only stress virtuous things: sharing both truth and honor.

908

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
=

I move from very cloudy nights
Obscure as chasm depths immense.
O! I act so proud of my rights
For handing me my own defense.

That, through a dull, confounded life,
My choice would never be to frown.
Through cutthroat battles of my strife,
My constant head cannot come down.

That hollow hole of shattered heads,
All agitate a dreadful fear
That chance will batter you to shreds.
The consequence? I still am here.

Perhaps I can bunch man to be
Unbounded, yet off on the brink.
It's palpable that I am free;
I see that I am what I think.

909

[Two Ambi-Anagrams - click here for an image of the ambigrams]-->

I'll make true art when it says nothing.
And nothing has not spoken clear.
The heart is a mighty master.
But so is what we can't hear. =

Themes I carry, I am at last
Writing that reason has awoken.
You search with inhuman strength
All things that need to be spoken.