901

VINCE'S FUNERAL

Vince worked hard at the Phone Company, but spent two nights each week ten-pin bowling, and played golf on a Saturday. His wife, Maxine, thought he was pushing himself too hard so, for his birthday, she took him to a local strip club.

The club's doorman greeted them and said, "Hey, Vince! How's it going?"

His wife was perplexed and asked if he'd been to this club before. "Oh no," replied, Vince, "Jim is in my bowling league."

When they were seated, the waitress asked Vince if he'd like his usual and fetched him a Jack Daniels and ice. Maxine was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and said, "How did she know you drink Jack Daniels and ice?"

"Oh, I recognize her; she's Joanne the waitress from my golf club. I always order a Jack Daniels and ice at the end of the 1st nine holes, honey."

A stripper then came over to their table, threw her arms around Vince, started to drape herself all over him and said ... "Hi Vince. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Maxine, now furious, snatched up her purse and stormed out of the club.

Vince followed and spotted her getting into a cab. Before she could slam the door on him, he jumped in beside her.

He tried desperately to explain, saying the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but Maxine was having none of it. She was screaming at him at the top of her lungs and calling him every
4-letter word in the book.

The cabby turned around and said, "Gee Vince, you picked up a real bitch this time."

VINCE'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

THREE BLOKES' FUNERALS

An Englishman, a Mexican and an Irishman were carrying out construction work on scaffolding on the 41st floor of a massive skyscraper.

They were just about to eat their lunch, when the Englishman suddenly yelled, "Oh, bugger; I see I've got bloody cheese and pickle again! If I get cheese and pickle for lunch one more time I'll literally jump straight off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and cried, "Arrgh! It's burritos! Every day I have burritos! If I get burritos one more time, I'll jump too."

Paddy the Irishman opened his lunch box and cursed, "Begorra! It's corned beef and cabbage sandwiches again. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time, I'm feckin' jumpin' with ya."

The following day the Englishman opened his lunch, saw that it was still cheese and pickle, then wrote a suicide note and leapt to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw that it was burritos and jumped too.

The Irishman opened his lunch, saw the corned beef and cabbage and jumped as well.

Nobody survived.

At the dead workers' funeral the Englishman's wife wept copiously. "Oh, my dear Kevin," she sobbed; "if I had known how fed up he was of all that cheese and pickle, I'd never, ever have given it to him!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "My poor Pedro, I'd have given him tacos or enchiladas if I'd known! I never realized that he hated burritos so much."

Everybody turned and stared at the Irishman’s wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she protested, "He always makes his own lunch."

902

[With November as the focus, Robert Frost's seasonal poem is anagrammed into a poem about a surprisingly balmy end to Autumn]

Robert Frost's poem 'My November Guest'

My sorrow, when she’s here with me,
Thinks these dark days of autumn rain
Are beautiful as days can be;
She loves the bare, the withered tree;
She walks the sodden pasture lane.

Her pleasure will not let me stay.
She talks and I am fain to list:
She’s glad the birds are gone away,
She’s glad her simple worsted gray
Is silver now with clinging mist.

The desolate, deserted trees,
The faded earth, the heavy sky,
The beauties she so truly sees,
She thinks I have no eye for these,
And vexes me for reason why.

Not yesterday I learned to know
The love of bare November days
Before the coming of the snow,
But it were vain to tell her so,
And they are better for her praise.

The November Abyss

By god, the fall seems warm today.
It's been that way for weeks and weeks.
The wholesome weather's here to stay;
The sky shall offer no brief spray.
It's very pure and far from bleak.

Where are the signs the cold is near -
The toughest winter storms I've seen
With gusts and rumbles so severe,
They stoke the most appalling fear?
Now nature's soberly serene...

And yet, when I survey the whole,
Some things here seem so very odd:
The mice don't dare to take a stroll,
The foxes hide deep in their holes.
There seems to be a vague facade.

And though the air is still and dry,
I shiver when I brave the fall
And sense it's harder to deny:
There IS a storm; we're in her eye,
And it's about to break us all.

903

NELLIE THE ELEPHANT

To Bombay
A traveling circus came
They brought an intelligent elephant
And Nellie was her name
One dark night
She slipped her iron chain
And off she ran to Hindustan
And was never seen again

Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk
And said goodbye to the circus
Off she went with a trumpety-trump
Trump, trump, trump
Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk
And trundled back to the jungle
Off she went with a trumpety-trump
Trump, trump, trump

Night by night
She danced to the circus band
When Nellie was leading the big parade
She looked so proud and grand
No more tricks
For Nellie to perform
They taught her how to take a bow
And she took the crowd by storm

Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk
And said goodbye to the circus
Off she went with a trumpety-trump
Trump, trump, trump
Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk
And trundled back to the jungle
Off she went with a trumpety-trump
Trump, trump, trump

The head of the herd was calling
Far, far away
They met one night in the silver light
On the road to Mandalay

Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk
And said goodbye to the circus
Off she went with a trumpety-trump
Trump, trump, trump
Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk
And trundled back to the jungle
Off she went with a trumpety-trump
Trump, trump, trump

Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk
And said goodbye to the circus
Off she went with a trumpety-trump
Trump, trump, trump
Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk
And trundled back to the jungle
Off she went with a trumpety-trump
Trump, trump, trump

TRUMP, TRUMP, TRUMP
(Marking the strange, new event)

From New York
An entrepreneur came,
To join the Presidential race
And Donald was the name.
People laughed
At that dyed orange bloke,
Hillary Clinton laughed the most
And thought the man a joke!

Now Mrs Clinton is beaten, numb,
It's funny how things can work out,
She kept her head but blew the vote,
Trumped, Trumped, Trumped!
Hillary tearfully packed her trunk
Then grunted, "Ok, I'm leaving:
This female's emails cost her dear,
Trumped, Trumped, Trumped."

The battle had
Been bitter, with each attack,
Clinton threw the dirt at Trump
And Trump threw dirt right back!
Election time,
The rednecks held the key,
The ballot papers then were checked,
The rest is history.

Petulant Hillary flipped a bird,
Announced, "I'm gone, I'm departing,
The race is run, the wrong man won,
Tut, tut, tut."
Peppery Hillary packed her trunk,
Growled, "Humph! Farewell to that circus!"
Then jetted off in a state of shock,
Humph, humph, humph!

The people they had spoken
That's plain to see;
The trumpets trumpeted, Trump'd won,
(But, gee, how could that be?)

Hillary egg-on-face packed her trunk
And bade farewell to the people,
Frankly thumped by tuppenny Trump,
Thump, thump, thump.
Hillary proffered a final shrug,
Then skulked off into the sunset;
Triumphant Trump, his fist he pumped,
Pump, pump, pump.

Rejected Hillary packed her trunk,
And Trump ranted, "Get outta my gang,
Don't remain here, turn and blow,
Turn, turn, turn."
Then he went on twitter to tell the world,
"I'm President, now we can party,
Conflict, race-hate warfare, guns and
Fun, fun, fun!"