901

Walking into a bar, a fellow noticed a very large jar on the counter and saw that it was completely full up with £10 notes...

He guessed there must be more than ten thousand pounds in it. He approached the bartender and asked, 'What's with the jar full of money?'

'Well...you pay ten pounds and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly wasn't going to pass this up, so he asked, 'What are the three tests?'

'Well, you must pay first, this is the rule,' said the bartender.

So, after mulling it over for a while, the man gave his ten-pound-note to the bartender, who dropped it into the jar and said: 'Okay, here's what you need to do:

'Firstly - You've got to drink a whole quart of tequila in a minute or less, and you must not make a face while you are doing it.

'Secondly - There is a pit bull terrier chained up in the back with a bad tooth. You've got to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

'Thirdly - There is an 87-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex... You've got to take care of that problem too!'

The man was staggered. 'I know I paid my ten pounds, but I am no idiot! I won't do it! You would have to be crazy to drink a quart of tequila, and do all those other things...'

'It's your call,' shrugged the bartender, ‘but your money stays where it is.'

As the evening went on, and the man had a few more drinks, he finally said,' Okay, where's the tequila?'

He seized the bottle with both hands and drunk it as fast as he could. Tears streamed down his cheeks, but he didn't make a face, and he managed it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggered out the back door, where he saw the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar heard growling, snarling, and screaming noises... then silence.

Just when it seemed the man must surely be dead, he staggered into the bar, with his shirt ripped open, there were multiple scratches and he was bleeding everywhere.

'Now,' he said, 'where is that old woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral of the story is: Listen carefully to the directions and do not trust your judgment where alcohol is involved!

A woman was at the hairdresser's getting her hair restyled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the lady hairdresser, who said bluntly: "Why the hell would anybody want to frequent that place? Rome's crowded, dirty and quite smelly. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking United," came the reply; "we got a great rate!"

"United? That airline's horrible!" the hairdresser said harshly. "The flight attendants are ugly, the planes are very old, squashed, and they run late. Where are you staying?"

"We'll be at an exclusive little place, it's on the Tiber and it's called Teste."

"Stop! Don't go any further. I know that place. Everyone thinks it’s going to be something swish and exclusive but that's nonsense; in truth the place is the pits."

"But we're planning to go to the Vatican and might possibly get to see the Pope."

"Ha! That's rich," huffed the hairdresser. "You and a zillion others! He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this trip of yours. You're gonna need it."

A month later, the woman came in again and the hairdresser asked her about her vacation.

"Oh, it was just joyful!" exclaimed the woman; "not only were we on time in one of United's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.

"The food and drinks were wonderful, and I had a handsome young flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was lovely! They'd just finished a $10m refurbishment job, and now it's the best hotel in the city. They were also overbooked, so they gave us the owner's suite, and at no additional charge!"

"Hmm," muttered the hairdresser, "that may be so, but I'll just bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky because, as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard came up and said that the Pope likes to meet a quota of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to wait in his private room, he would come and greet me. Sure enough, 7 or 8 minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! Then I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..."

"Oh, really? What did he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

902

OK, you lurker, in awe of an anagram we put up here on our Anagrammy Forum -- you see, you zero in on, juggle, rework, unite an idea into your own anagram. Motivated by James Comey's original 'Goodbye' note to colleagues, I've redone a cheeky piece by Kaila Hale-Stern, though unedited. Unfair? No. Hey, I know pumped up young men enjoy any joke peppered with raw language (a wink emoji ;)). You join, you laugh, you enjoy, you win! Whoopee, whoopee, whoopee, whoopeeeeeee!

To all:

I DIDN'T EVEN ACTUALLY GET TO SEND THIS TO EVERYONE IN THE DEPARTMENT BECAUSE I WAS SHOVED OUT LIKE A GODDAMNED PARIAH WHO HAD PISSED IN H.R.'S COFFEE SO FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW POST IT ON FREAKIN' FACEBOOK SO THAT YOUR GRANDMOTHER SEES IT PRINT OUT COPIES AND DROP THEM FROM OUR STEALTH SPY AIRPLANES OVER THE AMBER FIELDS OF AMERICA MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS

I'M OFFICIALLY NAILING THIS SHIT TO THE CHURCH DOOR LIKE MARTIN LUTHER

I have long believed that a President can fire an FBI Director for any reason, or for no reason at all.

IN CASE IT'S NOT PERFECTLY CLEAR I'M THE LATTER CASE Y'ALL OR ELSE I WOULDN'T HAVE MENTIONED IT

I'm not going to spend time on the decision or the way it was executed.

YEAH I'M NOT GONNA GO INTO IT HERE BECAUSE H.R.'S LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER BUT THE FACT THAT I MENTION "THE DECISION" IS MEANT TO BE A BIG RED FLAG CALLING YOUR ATTENTION TO SHITBAG TRUMP'S SHITBAG DECISION

AND THE FACT THAT I ALSO MENTION THE WAY IT WAS EXECUTED IS MEANT TO REMIND YOU THAT THAT MOTHERF-ER DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE BASIC RESPECT TO CALL ME OR LOOK ME IN THE EYE WHEN HE FIRED ME LISTEN FRIENDS WE TREAT FBI TRAINEES BETTER WHEN WE CATCH THEM DOING SILENCE OF THE LAMBS COSPLAY IN THE QUANTICO DORMS AT NIGHT

LISTEN FRIENDS ENTRY-LEVEL TEMPS GET BETTER TREATMENT THAN YOUR MAN HERE WHO DEDICATED DECADES OF HIS LIFE TO KEEPING THIS GODFORSAKEN COUNTRY SAFE WHILE TRUMP LIVED IN A GOLDEN TOWER HOSTING REALITY TELEVISION SHOWS AND GRABBING PUSSIES YOU BEST BELIEVE YOU BETTER SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME THINKING ABOUT HOW THIS WAS HANDLED EVEN TOTAL FAILURES GET A HEADS-UP FIRST AND I'M STILL WAITING TO HEAR ABOUT SEVERANCE FROM H.R.

I hope you won't either.

I HOPE YOU WILL

It is done, and I will be fine, although I will miss you and the mission deeply.

I'M NOT FINE I'M NOT FINE I'M BARELY KEEPING IT TOGETHER DID Y'ALL HEAR HOW THAT SONNOVABITCH IN CHIEF WAITED UNTIL I WAS OUT OF THE STATE TO FIRE ME AND SENT HIS PERSONAL BODYGUARD WITH A NOTE TO FBI HEADQUARTERS EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T THERE LIKE THAT IS SOME DOWNTON ABBEY SHIT YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THE BUTLER DO YOUR DIRTYWORK AND SEND A MCFRICKEN NOTE AS THOUGH ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL DIDN'T SOLVE THIS COMMUNICATION PROBLEM IN EIGHTEEN SEVENTY-SIX FUCK
~

I have said to you before that, in times of turbulence, the American people should see the FBI as a rock of competence, honesty, and independence.

RED FLAG RED FLAG SIRENS TO ARMS MY PEOPLE THIS IS A TIME OF TURBULENCE OR ELSE I WOULDN'T HAVE SAID SO

WE'RE IN DEEP DOODOO HERE NOW SO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOTTA DO: BE HONEST AND INDEPENDENT BY WHICH I MEAN TELL THE COUNTRY WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON HERE LEAK YOUR LEAKY LIL HEARTS OUT BE INDEPENDENT ANSWER TO NO ONE IN THAT CORRUPT FESTERING WOUND OF AN ADMINISTRATION FBI GOING ROGUE NOW

What makes leaving the FBI hard is the nature and quality of its people, who together make it that rock for America.

HERE I AM REMINDING YOU AGAIN WE ARE AMERICA'S ONLY HOPE YOU ARE ALL NOW OBI-WAN KENOBI ONLY AMERICAN

It is very hard to leave a group of people who are committed only to doing the right thing.

THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I'VE DIRECTLY CHARGED YOU WITH BUCKING ALL CONVENTIONS AND AUTHORITY AND TAKING THESE BASTARDS THE HELL DOWN NEED I SPELL IT OUT AGAIN OK I WILL: "ONLY DOING THE RIGHT THING" AND I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS

My hope is that you will continue to live our values and the mission of protecting the American people and upholding the Constitution.

DONNIE TRUMPO HAS INVOKED A CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS AND HE'S WIPING HIS ASS WITH OUR MOST SACRED DOCUMENT THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME I HAVE EXPLICITLY TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAD BETTER STEP UP

If you do that, you too will be sad when you leave, and the American people will be safer.

SORRY YOU'RE GOING TO BE FIRED AS WELL BY THIS CANCER ON THE AMERICAN STATE IT'S GOING TO BE WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER BUT THE COUNTRY'S FREEDOM IS ACTUALLY AT STAKE HERE DESTROY HIM LIKE A GREAT AVENGING EAGLE

Working with you has been one of the great joys of my life. Thank you for that gift.

IF I EVER MEANT ANYTHING TO YOU MY G-MEN AND G-WOMEN YOU WILL BURN THIS MOTHER DOWN

Jim Comey

CALL ME JIM BECAUSE I'M JUST AN EVERYMAN CITIZEN NOW THAT THIS ORANGE WANNABE DICTATOR TERMINATED ME SO LET'S GRAB A BEER SOMETIME I'M FREE MOST NIGHTS THIS WEEK AND NEXT AND THE WEEK AFTER THAT I HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON MY HANDS ALL OF A SUDDEN EVER SINCE I WAS RELIEVED OF MY NONPARTISAN TEN-YEAR APPOINTMENT THAT NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN FIRED FROM BEFORE EXCEPT DUE TO SERIOUS ETHICAL BREACH AND I REMIND YOU I LEARNED I WAS FIRED FROM THE GODDAMNED TELEVISION LIKE A LAUGHINGSTOCK ME JIM COMEY I HAVE SEEN THINGS YOU PEOPLE WOULDN'T BELIEVE I KNOW WHERE ALL THE BODIES ARE BURIED OUR PRESIDENT IS ONE STUPID ASSHOLE ISN'T HE ANYWAY THE FATE OF THE NATION IS ON THE LINE THESE ARE YOUR ORDERS JIM OUT

(This text is quoted from "The Mary Sue", posted on Facebook by "The People For Bernie Sanders, in a quest for justice.)

903

THE DAYS WHEN WE WENT SWIMMING
A poem by Henry Lawson

The breezes waved the silver grass,
Waist-high along the siding,
And to the creek we ne'er could pass
Three boys on bare-back riding;
Beneath the sheoaks in the bend
The waterhole was brimming -
Do you remember yet, old friend,
The times we 'went in swimming'?

The days we 'played the wag' from school -
Joys shared - and paid for singly -
The air was hot, the water cool -
And naked boys are kingly!
With mud for soap the sun to dry -
A well planned lie to stay us,
And dust well rubbed on neck and face
Lest cleanliness betray us.

And you'll remember farmer Kutz -
Though scarcely for his bounty -
He leased a forty-acre block,
And thought he owned the county;
A farmer of the old world school,
That grew men hard and grim in,
He drew his water from the pool
That we preferred to swim in.

And do you mind when down the creek
His angry way he wended,
A green-hide cartwhip in his hand
For our young backs intended?
Three naked boys upon the sand -
Half buried and half sunning -
Three startled boys without their clothes
Across the paddocks running.

We've had some scares, but we looked blank
When, resting there and chumming,
One glanced by chance upon the bank
And saw the farmer coming!
And home impressions linger yet
Of cups of sorrow brimming;
I hardly think that we'll forget
The last day we went swimming.

THE NAKED OLYMPIC SWIMMERS

A certain fraught Olympiad
Went very wrong and rather bad -
For Russki swimmers won each heat
And were branded robbing cheats.
It wasn't drugs that fanned the roar,
But the swimming togs they wore.
Sleek, slick 'n' brief 'n' thin
Nearly like a second skin.
Folk suspected they were made
With a hi-tech buoyancy aid.

On and on the frenzy raged,
'Twas the scandal of the age,
Finally the endless pressure
Prompted rather speedy measures,
The chiefs, they met, ideas were bounced,
In the end the men announced:
"The frank result of our review:
Entrants now will all swim nude."

Whew, what a row this created!
Concern, horror, unabated,
Some professed to be so shy,
Some cried, "No!" but by and by
They wryly knew there was no way.
Moronity had won the day.
By now, it was finals time,
The girls stood naked in a line.

With each damp body now in sight
Rather odd things came to light,
The German 'woman' in lane one
Was decidedly well... hung!
The lady from the Cameroons
Had big breasts like brown balloons,
The Czech nymph, she had chubby legs
With tiny boobs, like fried eggs.

A fight broke out among the guys
When the UK bloke surmised,
His long appendage (now on show)
Would drag and make him rather slow.
And the Frenchy from Honfleur,
He had no more than 'un peu'.
The judges growled , "Grr, screw 'em all!"
Declared things void and drained the pool.

904

The Top 37 Things You'll Regret When You're Old
(From "Lessons Learned in Life")

1. Not traveling when you had the chance.
2. Not learning another language.
3. Staying in a bad relationship.
4. Forgoing sunscreen.
5. Missing the chance to see your favorite musicians.
6. Being scared to do things.
7. Failing to make physical fitness a priority.
8. Letting yourself be defined by gender roles.
9. Not quitting a terrible job.
10. Not trying harder in school.
11. Not realizing how beautiful you were.
12. Being afraid to say "I love you."
13. Not listening to your parents' advice.
14. Spending your youth self-absorbed.
15. Caring too much about what other people think.
16. Supporting others' dreams over your own.
17. Not moving on fast enough.
18. Holding grudges, especially with those you love.
19. Not standing up for yourself.
20. Not volunteering enough.
21. Neglecting your teeth.
22. Missing the chance to ask your grandparents questions before they die.
23. Working too much.
24. Not learning how to cook one awesome meal.
25. Not stopping enough to appreciate the moment.
26. Failing to finish what you start.
27. Never mastering one awesome party trick.
28. Letting yourself be defined by cultural expectations.
29. Refusing to let friendships run their course.
30. Not playing with your kids enough.
31. Never taking a big risk (especially in love).
32. Not taking the time to develop contacts and network.
33. Worrying too much.
34. Getting caught up in needless drama.
35. Not spending enough time with loved ones.
36. Never performing in front of others.
37. Not being grateful sooner.

1. It's hard the older you get.
2. Took French in school, but no retention?
3. Getting out before horror of abuse begins.
4. Avoiding benign moles or skin cancer.
5. Proof: "I'll hear Hendrix when he comes back."
6. What are you scared of?
7. Quit spending your best years sitting.
8. A man's place is in the kitchen.
9. "He is the boss from hell, but I've got bills."
10. You'll wish you'd listened.
11. You hated being pencil-thin; now you're overweight.
12. Aren't you going to tell that unrequited seventh-grade crush about your feelings?
13. Don't ignore your parents. Many of the funnier notions or things they say are going to be true later.
14. It's craziness! You'll be vain like President Trump (grin).
15. In ten years none of it is going to matter.
16. Give, having your own important goal.
17. Get up, get going!
18. What is the point of reliving anger later on?
19. Don't take crap from anyone!
20. Make the world nicer.
21. Brushing, flossing, regular checkups will help in avoiding dentures.
22. Grandpa can enrich you.
23. Go spend time with loved ones.
24. A great dish for every reunion.
25. Youngsters are constantly on the go.
26. Sign up for classes, then keep on going.
27. I disagree, so no regrets.
28. "We don't do that."
29. People change; hence, clinging isn't helpful.
30. Soon enough, your loving little son says, "Get out of my room!"
31. Go, even if you'll fall on your face.
32. Getting to know others is important.
33. Tom Petty tune, "Most things I worry about never happen...."
34. Who needs it?
35. Making time with family and friends count.
36. Many people want, just once, to croon in front of an audience.
37. Attitude of gratitude.