The Special Category

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An optional explanation about the anagram in green, the subject is in black, the anagram is in red.

901

[John Donne's Holy Sonnet 10 ("Death Be Not Proud") is anagrammed into a poem inspired by our late awardsmaster Larry Brash which also pays tribute to him in several ways, detailed below:]


John Donne's Death Be Not Proud

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou are not so;
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou'art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.





Tomes Kept By A Master Poet

He stocks the breadth of joy profound,
Those hallowed wealths of plot and ode,
Within the archives set around
That study at his old abode.
He'll note Wilde's potent novelty
Then ponder Blake's unstable tone,
Or sip one dash of morning tea
And, peaceful, read The Bard alone.
It's no surprise that such a soul
Would note the force behind most works;
The human touch preserved them whole
And touch does have some worthy perks.
And when our shy and standout man
Remembers folks whom he once knew,
No truth feels more compelling than
A latent truth which still holds true:
Most poets' charms stayed strong and pure;
Though they are dead, the wit endures.


[The poem mentions Oscar Wilde, William Blake and Shakespeare specifically since they were Larry's favorite fodder for literary and poetic anagrams. But the poem itself is also a graphic tribute to him; an A (our Anagrammy Awards logo) can be drawn in the monospaced anagram text using three specific phrases:]


Tomes Kept By A Master Poet

He stocks the breadth of joy profound,
Those hallowed wealths of plot and ode,
Within the archives set around
That study at his old abode.
He'll note Wilde's potent novelty
Then ponder Blake's unstable tone,
Or sip one dash of morning tea
And, peaceful, read The Bard alone.
It's no surprise that such a soul
Would note the force behind most works;
The human touch preserved them whole
And touch does have some worthy perks.
And when our shy and standout man
Remembers folks whom he once knew,
No truth feels more compelling than
A latent truth which still holds true:
Most poets' charms stayed strong and pure;
Though they are dead, the wit endures.


902

[June is LGBT Pride Month, and below is Shakespeare's Sonnet 20 (that is considered by scholars to be his love poem for another man), anagrammed into a 6-part poem about a couple's romantic day, with fitting constraints - Each stanza is based around each color of the LGBT Pride Flag, and bears an acrostic connected to the meaning that was assigned to that specific color in the original 1978 flag: Life (Life), Heal (Healing), Glow (Sunlight), Grow (Nature), Calm (Serenity), and Soul (Spirit).]


Shakespeare's Twentieth Sonnet

A woman's face with nature's own hand painted,
Hast thou, the master mistress of my passion;
A woman's gentle heart, but not acquainted
With shifting change, as is false women's fashion:
An eye more bright than theirs, less false in rolling,
Gilding the object whereupon it gazeth;
A man in hue all hues in his controlling,
Which steals men's eyes and women's souls amazeth.
And for a woman wert thou first created;
Till Nature, as she wrought thee, fell a-doting,
And by addition me of thee defeated,
By adding one thing to my purpose nothing.
But since she prick'd thee out for women's pleasure,
Mine be thy love and thy love's use their treasure.






One Happy Day I Spent With You

Lush in its coat of Red
In Summer's dashing morn,
First light that found the bed
Enhanced this lust, reborn.

How good it feels to eat
Each early meal for two;
An orange half, though sweet,
Lacks freshness without you.

Gold beams may shine ablaze
Like one resplendent gem;
On hot noons as today's,
We're prettier than them.

Green meadows spanning miles
Renewed this great domain;
Once in these for a while,
What heart won't leap again?

Come sit beneath these stars
And watch this evening Blue;
Let winds sent from afar
Maintain that peace in you.

Shades rich with violet
Of Summer's setting sun
Unleash this quaint duet.
Life's zen has just begun.


903


From the Daily Mail - To celebrate her 37th birthday, 37 things you didn't know you didn't know about the Duchess of Sussex:

1. SHE CELEBRATES HER BIRTHDAY WITH CHIPS

A childhood spent hanging around Los Angeles TV studios, where her dad, Thomas, was a lighting director, made Meghan rather fond of canteen food - specifically, chips. Since then, wherever she is in the world, she treats herself to chips and a glass of wine on her birthday.

2. SHE IS A FLUENT SPANISH SPEAKER

The Duchess interned at the U.S. Embassy in Buenos Aires, Argentina, in 2002, immersing herself in the local language, before travelling to Madrid to study Spanish.

She showed off her flawless accent in 2013 when she recorded a tongue-in-cheek Spanish episode of Suits entitled The Killer of Love. Meghan also speaks basic French and Portuguese, and delighted a fan recently by greeting her in her native Filipino.

3. SHE'S EQUALLY GOOD WITH BOTH HANDS

Meghan has the rare attribute of being ambidextrous - meaning she can use both her right and left hands with equal skill.

She waves, writes and holds her handbag in her right hand, but eats, drinks and plays the guitar left-handed.

4. SHE BAKES CAKES FOR WILLS' CHILDREN

An avid foodie, Meghan regularly cooks up a storm at Nottingham Cottage, her and Harry's cosy marital home in Kensington Palace.

She loves to whip up sweet treats for her niece and nephew. When Kate was pregnant with Louis she took over trays of her signature ginger berry crumble and mini chocolate cakes.

5. SHE USED TO GIVE GIFT-WRAP CLASSES

In 2004, when she was a jobbing actress, the Duchess took a part-time position at Paper Source, a stationery shop in Beverly Hills.

There, she gave two-hour classes to customers on gift-wrapping, book-binding and calligraphy. Her old boss Winnie Park praised her 'creativity'.

6. SHE ALWAYS CARRIES TEA TREE OIL WITH HER

Meghan swears by tea tree oil, made from the leaves of an indigenous Australian tree, and never goes anywhere without a little bottle in her handbag.

The £2 product is the secret to her dewy, blemish-free complexion. 'It's my little cure-all,' she says.

7. SHE STILL PAYS TAXES IN AMERICA

Two-and-a-half months have passed since the wedding, but Meghan still isn't officially a British citizen. Not only does she have to pass the 45-minute Life In The UK Test but she must live in this country for three years before submitting her application. For now, the Duchess is technically still American, meaning she has to pay U.S. taxes on her £3.5 million fortune.

8. HER NOSE SPARKED A PLASTIC SURGERY FAD

Cosmetic surgeons the world over say they're being inundated with requests for The Meghan, a rhinoplasty procedure inspired by the Duchess's nose.

'She's probably one of the top - if not the number one - request I get,' said one surgeon. Fans are apparently drawn to its straightness and distinctive curved tip.

9. A SHOE COLLECTION WORTH £20,000

Friends say Meghan is 'shoe mad', snapping up designer pairs every time she goes abroad.

Her enviable collection is worth £20,000 and features £630 Christian Louboutin pumps and £650 Jimmy Choo boots.

Unusually, most of her shoes are too big for her size 5 feet - a deliberate choice to ensure she doesn't get blisters while out and about.

10. SHE AND HARRY HAVE NICKNAMES

Before their relationship became public, Meghan's covert name for Harry was H - and she wore a gold necklace with his initial on it in 2016. Royal insiders say the nickname has stuck, while Harry calls his wife Megs.

When she was younger, mum Doria nicknamed her Flower or Bud, while Thomas called his daughter Bean.

11. SHE'S GOT A FILTHY SENSE OF HUMOUR

Friends say Meghan has a wicked sense of humour that would make her in-laws blush.

Out-takes from Suits capture her making off-the-cuff and often filthy jokes with her co-stars. In one clip, she quizzes actress Sarah Rafferty about an on-screen liaison, asking: 'How big was he? Was he good? How long did it last?'

12. THE QUEEN SHARES HER TASTE IN BROLLIES

There may be 55 years between them, but Meghan and Her Majesty share an unlikely taste in accessories - namely, transparent umbrellas.

While the Queen has several hundred, made with coloured trims to match her outfits, Meghan posed with one in rainy Toronto during Suits. The design shields the user from the weather without obscuring their face.

13. SHE LOVES BOOKS ABOUT POLITICS

Meghan has a penchant for dense, weighty books on political philosophy and theology.

Her favourite author is political activist Noam Chomsky, and in 2016 she urged her followers to read his anti-capitalist tome Who Rules the World, describing it as a 'great read'. At school, she read The Seven Storey Mountain, the autobiography of Catholic theologian Tom Merton.

14. SHE'S THE SECOND SHORTEST ROYAL

At 5ft 7in, Meghan is the shortest member of Harry's immediate family - which explains her obsession with towering stilettos.

Hubby Harry is 6ft 1in, while William is 6ft 3in and Kate a statuesque 5ft 9in. Only the Queen, who is 5ft 4in, is shorter.

15. SHE STARRED IN A FAMOUS MUSIC VIDEO

After graduating from Immaculate Heart High School in 1999, 17-year-old Meghan appeared in a music video for singer Tori Amos.

She was paid £450 to put on a low-cut top and stand in a crowd watching Amos writhing around in a glass box to the song 1,000 Oceans. She also auditioned to dance in a video for Shakira, but failed to make the cut.

16. SHE'S THE OLDEST ROYAL BRIDE EVER

Meghan was 36 on her wedding day, making her the oldest bride to wed a non-divorced future king (Camilla was 57 when she married Charles).

Previously Kate - 29 when she married William - was the oldest royal bride since Eleanor of Aquitaine married Henry II in 1152.

Meghan is also the first ever Duchess of Sussex. There was a Duke of Sussex in the 19th century, but his two weddings failed to get royal approval.

17. SHE'S A HUGE FAN OF BOARD GAMES

Meghan has a competitive streak and loves nothing more than a quiet night in playing board games.

Monopoly is a favourite and, on the set of Suits, she stayed up 'into the wee hours' playing Apples to Apples, a popular card game, with cast-mates. She also loves jigsaws.

18. SHE'S A RELATIVE OF SHAKESPEARE

According to her family tree, the Duchess has some impressive British ancestors. She's William Shakespeare's fifth-cousin 13 times removed, and sixth-cousin five times removed to Winston Churchill - both through her father.

She's also a (very) distant cousin of Harry's. Genealogists say the pair are related 15 generations back, through an ancestor of the Queen Mother.

19. THREE FAITHS HAVE INFLUENCED HER

Born and raised a Protestant (the same faith as her mother, Doria), Meghan attended a Roman Catholic school and as a teen helped at a homeless shelter run by a Catholic charity.

Prior to her wedding, she adopted yet another faith, electing to be baptised into the Anglican Church of England as a mark of respect to the Queen.

20. SHE WAS AT SCHOOL WITH STAR SCARLETT

From two until 11, Meghan attended the Little Red School House, the educational institution of choice for children of Hollywood's elite.

She had her first starring role in a production of How The Grinch Stole Christmas. In the chorus was a shy girl named Scarlett Johansson, now one of the world's most highly paid actresses.

21. SHE WORKED IN A FROZEN YOGHURT SHOP

Aged 13, Meghan worked at Humphrey Yogart, a frozen yoghurt shop near her mother's home in California. Former boss, Paula Sheftel, remembers a bubbly, enthusiastic employee. 'She earned the minimum wage and was very popular with customers,' she recalled.

22. SHE DRIVES A VERY ORDINARY CAR

She may have ridden in a royal carriage, but when it comes to nipping to the shops, Meghan gets behind the wheel of an ordinary car. She's been spotted whizzing around London in a blue VW Golf, not much of a step up from the 'beat-up' Ford Explorer she used to drive between auditions.

23. FIRST BOYFRIEND IS A PRO BEATBOXER

The Duchess had her first kiss aged 13, when she locked lips with Joshua Silverstein, a boy she met at summer camp. Now married with two children, Joshua works as a professional beatboxer and has appeared on TV with chat show host James Corden.

Another old flame, Luis Segura, went on to become an estate agent, while Giancarlo Boccato, her high school prom date, is a property manager.

24. SHE USED TO BITE HER NAILS

Eagle-eyed fans will note that Meghan has small, rounded fingernails, always immaculately manicured in a neutral shade. This comes after years of biting her nails, a habit she broke only last year, when she made it a New Year's resolution.

25. SHE AND KATE WORE SAME DRESS

In fashion terms, Meghan and her sister-in-law are polar opposites, with the trendy new royal regularly outshining conservative Kate.

But the pair have stepped out in exactly the same outfit once before.

In 2012, Meghan appeared on the red carpet wearing the Zarita dress by Diane von Furstenberg, a sophisticated lace gown with sheer sleeves. Kate wore a full-length version of the £300 dress at a gala in 2017.

26. SHE ONLY EATS MEAT AT WEEKENDS

That to-die-for figure is the product of a rather unorthodox diet.

Meghan eats vegan food - no meat, fish, eggs or dairy - during the week, but lets herself indulge at weekends, when she admits to having 'a little bit more flexibility'.

27. SHE WAS COLLEGE SORORITY GIRL

Like many all-American students, Meghan joined a sorority - a social organisation named after Greek letters - while at Northwestern University, where she studied theatre and international relations.

28. SHE'S TRAVELLED TO AFGHANISTAN

In 2014, Meghan visited American military bases as part of a United Service Organisation tour. One of the stops was Bagram, Afghanistan, a remote spot surrounded by barbed wire to keep out the Taliban. While there, she entertained troops and their families with a light-hearted talk about Suits.

29. SHE IS A HUGE FAN OF 1930s FILMS

Meghan credits her father, a film buff, with introducing her to 1930s films. She's particularly passionate about Busby Berkeley, the director behind big-budget musical hits such as 42nd Street and Gold Diggers.

30. FIRST ROLE WAS TV SOAP

Thomas Markle pulled strings to get his daughter a role on the medical drama General Hospital in 2002. Her character, a nurse called Jill, had just five lines.

Meghan's film debut, in 2005 rom-com A Lot Like Love starring Ashton Kutcher, saw her playing a character called simply 'Hot Girl'. It was another five-line gig.

31. SHE'S GOT A MUSICAL TALENT

In a CV from her acting days, Meghan revealed an amazing array of musical talents - including playing the guitar, drums and 'finger cymbals'. She's a good singer, too, performing the lead in musicals while at school.

32. SHE WORE HER OWN JEWELLERY IN SUITS

In the days before she was draped in jewels from the royal vault, Meghan insisted on wearing her own jewellery in scenes for Suits. Every piece - such as a Claddagh Ring to represent her father's Irish heritage - had hidden meaning, and was her way of letting her personality shine through.

33. SHE CONQUERED A FEAR OF HEIGHTS

Adventure-loving Meghan has always had a touch of vertigo, but made it her mission to overcome her fear of heights.

In 2015, she posted a picture on Instagram, showing her leaping off a cliff into an aquamarine sea. 'Sometimes you have to do the thing that scares you,' she wrote.

34. SHE FAILED U.S. FOREIGN SERVICE TEST

Meghan once dreamed of being a diplomat and went as far as to take the Foreign Service Officer Test in 2002.

Her contemporaries said she would have been 'excellent' in the role. But the three-hour exam -which combined politics, maths and general knowledge - proved too difficult and she failed.

35. SHE INSPIRED A NOVEL CHARACTER

Lindsay Roth, her best friend from university, wrote Meghan into a chick-lit novel, What Pretty Girls Are Made Of, in 2015.

The heroine, Alison, is a thinly veiled portrait of the Duchess: a beautiful but struggling actress, trying to climb the career ladder and find love.

Funnily enough, Lindsay sent a copy of her book to the Duchess of Cambridge.

36. ANNA WINTOUR LENT HER A CARDIGAN

Around the same time that she started dating Harry in 2016, Meghan attended Wimbledon, where she sat in the players' box next to Vogue editor Anna Wintour.

It started to rain and, noticing Meghan shivering, Anna lent her a cardigan to cover up. Few knew who the actress was; one photographic agency placed her under the heading 'incidental people'.

37. SHE WANTS TO SET UP AN ANIMAL CHARITY

Animal-lover Meghan - who adopted two dogs in Canada and brought one, a beagle named Guy, to London - dreams of setting up a rescue charity to help abandoned pets. Sources say she hopes to work with TV vet Noel Fitzpatrick, who bagged an invitation to the royal wedding.

But all that might have to wait. Royal insiders say her focus now is on starting a family, with Meghan planning to be pregnant by her next birthday.


Thirty-seven more things you didn't know about her:

1. As a 15-year-old, the Duchess could, without fail, solve a Rubik's Cube in 50 to 55 seconds.

2. She is an Ashtanga yoga devotee, and she often meditates for 1 or 2 hours with her legs behind her head. She says this enables her to see things from a new perspective. A laughing Harry Wales concurs.

3. Meghan had to forgo a slice of her wedding cake, as it contained marzipan, and she is highly allergic to almonds. She always carries an adrenaline pen in case of medical emergencies caused by such food additives.

4. For several weeks in the run-up to their marriage, Harry and Meghan rehearsed the '(I've Had) The Time Of My Life' routine from Dirty Dancing for their 1st dance, and the pair actually mastered a flying lift. Sadly, the Queen wouldn't allow it, to the extreme displeasure of H.R.H. the Duke of Edinburgh. She said that the dance was 'inappropriate and undignified', although the real reason was thought to be that Charles and his 2nd wife Camilla are somewhat partial to performing the said dance in Highgrove House's garden.

5. Meghan's left foot is a size 5, but her right is a size 5 and a half. So as not to have to buy (or be given, moreover) unmatched shoes, she wedges a Penalty Charge Notice in her right one.

6. Meghan finds it hard to get used to using the term 'one' (which the British Royals use for "I" when referring to themselves in the 1st person). She can often be heard practising in the shower, warbling '...and one will always love one', to the Whitney Houston track.

7. Meghan has become fascinated with the British practice of 'dunking' biscuits in one's tea. (She has acquired a particular liking for Earl Grey, with a drop of soya milk). Her favourite dunking biscuits are McVities Ginger Nuts, followed by Co-Op own-brand fig rolls.

8. Her secret (so she thought!) pet name for Harry is 'Mac'. Not due to the American fast-food, computer, or tennis connotations, but as a humorous reference to McVities. (See above, if clarification is needed).

9. Meghan's first family pet was a ginger tomcat named Henry, which had to be neutered because it was a serial sexual predator, who would attempt to mate with table or chair legs. He lived to the ripe old age of 22.

10. Prince Philip can be driven into an apoplectic rage by Meghan's ceaseless habit of saying "And I'm like...", rather than "I then said..."

11. Meghan cherishes her 1976 Fender Stratocaster electric guitar, with a maple fingerboard, which is fitted with a brass Kahler locking tremelo, Grover tuners, a Buzz Feiten intonation system, a DiMarzio 'Super Distortion' humbucker pickup in the bridge position, and is refinished in a luxurious high-gloss deep orange sparkle. It originally belonged to Lenny Kravitz, and is reportedly worth about £2,200/£2,300. She uses Ernie Ball custom-gauge steel strings (.010", .013", .016" plain, .022", .032", .042"). For a wide palette of tonal options and textures, and some reverb, she plugs it, via a wireless transmitter, into a Kemper Profiler, then to a Sony 600w stereo hi-fi system. She can play, verbatim, Hendrix's version of Bob Dylan's 'All Along The Watchtower', Santana's 'Smooth', 'Spirit of Radio' by Rush, Asia's 'Heat Of The Moment', and 'November Rain' by Guns N' Roses, during which she wears her signed top hat, with "Velvet Revolver" in green Swarovski crystals, given to her by Slash, as a 30th birthday present. She is sometimes joined for an unrehearsed blues jam session by the Duke Of Edinburgh, who is somewhat of a dab hand with a bass guitar, as I mentioned in the previous "A list of 90 key facts about The Duke of Edinburgh" (2011).

12. She is a huge fan of the diminutive Australian actress and chanteuse Kylie Minogue (50), since tearfully watching, at the age of seven, Charlene Mitchell's screen wedding to Scott Robinson in Neighbours. Meghan watches this particular episode on VHS 5-6 times a year.

13. Her estranged elder half-sister Samantha Grant (53) was a cheerleader for the Los Angeles Rams NFL American football team in 1979.

14. Following his staged paparazzi photos, in which he was seen being measured up for a wedding suit, Meghan's (also estranged) father Thomas (74), is, I hear, planning to release his own gentlemen's fashion range, according to the aforementioned Samantha, who is a notorious chatterbox.

15. Meghan was informed of a 'Meghan Markle lookalike competition' organised by The Slough & Windsor Express, so she entered it for a laugh...but she only managed 3rd. She won herself a Royal Wedding commemorative tea towel. The runner-up (a Miss Sylvia Hussein, from Slough) won a commemorative gold-edged plate from the Franklin Mint. The winner (a Mrs Christine Sturdy, from Stoke Poges) won a lavish meal out for 2 at the exclusive Flaming Cow restaurant in High St., Eton. The ethereal Australian Windsor resident Natalie Imbruglia was a mere 12th.

16. Meghan moonlights as a Daily Mail Online journalist, under the pseudonym "Unity Blott". She specialises in "hilarious" light-hearted general interest stories, which are mostly lifted wholesale from Reddit, Instagram and Twitter.

17. Her favourite singer is Adele, to who she recently chatted backstage at the O2 Arena, south-east London. Afterwards, she confided to Harry that she hadn't understood a word that the 'Hello' songstress had said. As a result of this, Meghan is having some home tuition from his distant royal relative, EastEnders' Danny Dyer, in how to speak like a true cockney. She has also bought herself a 'Chas and Dave's Greatest Hits' CD, to assist her in her endeavours, and subsequently, she is often to be heard walking the Palace corridors, saying "gertcha!" repeatedly. Once, at a summer fete, she crept up behind the actor Hugh Grant, and she pinched his derriere, while suggestively exclaiming the aforementioned term. He was not remotely impressed...in fact, he didn't see the funny side of it at all. There ain't no pleasing Hugh.

18. She has told her husband that she would like Michael Curry (an American preacher who orated at some length at their nuptials) to baptise their future 1st child. Harry, looking to the heavens, said that this was quite out of the question, as they'll only have a 5-6 hour time slot for the event.

19. Meghan has said she would love to form a gospel choir, comprising of as many Royal Family ladies as she can muster. The shallow Beatrice said "What is a gospel choir?", the useless Eugenie said "Swerve that!", Kate said "Marvellous, sweetheart!", Fergie said "Ok yah!", the Queen icily said "Very well, if one must"...but Her Royal Horsiness Princess Anne said "Naff orf!"...with a Harvey Smith salute as a malicious afterthought.

20. Meghan performed backing vocals on 3 tracks on the solo album 'Supreme Clientele' by Wu-Tang Clan rapper Ghostface Killah.

21. She was sounded-out by NBC Universal International Networks researchers about a possible role in a new television show idea, "The Real Housewives of Kensington". She said she would love to, but a resolute Harry assertively put his foot down, calling it "shameless chav TV".

22. She plays Scrabble online, with a win percentage of 54%, a best word score of 179 (for 'HEATINGS'), a best game score of 550, has achieved 304 Bingos (a word where all seven tiles are used), and she has a respectable, if unspectacular, Elo rating of 1699. She will audition to take part as a Countdown contestant within the year.

23. Meghan enjoys watching the sitcom Mrs Brown's Boys, and she has taken to sarcastically saying "Dat's nice!" in her best attempt at an Irish brogue at any opportunity. She also finds Citizen Khan most amusing...unlike the irritable Duke of Edinburgh, who she intentionally riles and exasperates by fluttering her eyelashes and referring to him as "papaji" in a girly-girly Asian Brummie accent. The matter is not at all helped when Prince Harry joins in, and in character as hapless Amjad, gormlessly addresses the Duke "Hello, sir!"

24. A remorseful Meghan incurred the extreme wrath of H.R.H. The Queen by calling out for Vulcan, one of the royal dorgis (a cross of a dachshund and a corgi) in her admittedly rather accurate Her Majesty vocal impersonation. Vulcan came enthusiastically running to Meghan immediately...then upon seeing Her Majesty at the end of the corridor he had sprinted from, the poor perplexed pooch spun around several times, then he sprinted back from whence he came, knocked over her exquisite 1759 Chippendale table, smashing a priceless Ming vase, then he deposited a "present" on a historic rug which was a wedding gift to her and Prince Philip from King Faisal of Iraq.

25. When Prince Philip met Meghan's mother, Doria Ragland (61), he enquired of her, in all seriousness, if she had brought any blow with her.

26. Meghan's first husband Trevor Engelson (41) will be appearing as a contestant in the forthcoming series of Strictly Come Dancing. He hopes to be paired with Oti Mabuse.

27. Meghan has decorated an entire wall of Nottingham Cottage with 200-300 posters of her beloved childhood crush, the Welsh rock 'n' roll heart-throb Shakin' Stevens. As for these images, any that include Bonnie Tyler in them have had Tyler's face cut out with scissors, or defaced with a Sharpie felt-tip pen.

28. H.R.H The Queen secretly told Meghan that she occasionally loves to do the rowing dance to 'Oops Upside Your Head', (the 12" version) as it was "about the only chance one gets to sit down". On such occasions she has been known to summon as many as 170 wearied housekeepers, aides and flunkies to sit on the floor behind her, down the Palace corridors. Meghan secretly told her father about this...and straightaway, he "secretly" told the press, for 1,200,000 dollars. Expect this to be global headline news tomorrow, the Gap Band to rapidly re-release 'Oops Upside Your Head', and for Mark Ronson to sue them, for plagiarising 'Uptown Funk'.

29. Princess Beatrice asked Meghan if there was a way she could help her approximate her blend of effortless chic elegance and streetwise sassiness. Meghan replied: "Yeah, go get a job!" (In fact, this is Meghan's stock reply to anything that the bone idle Beatrice asks her). Beatrice was so upset that she immediately set off for a 21-day Seychelles holiday.

30. Last Christmas, she had the entire royal family (except for the waspish H.R.H. Princess Anne, who had a face like a slapped backside) in stitches, at Balmoral, where she performed an impromptu post-dinner ventriloquist act, with the adorable Prince George (5) sitting on her lap, as the dummy.

31. Meghan, under the name of Rachel from London, sent a dedication to BBC Radio 2's 'Steve Wright's Sunday Love Songs', for "her fiancé", her "best friend" and her "soulmate", Harry, who she apparently "loves to the moon and back", saying that he was "beautiful inside and out" and that she "couldn't wait to spend the rest of their lives together". Her chosen tune was 'Amazed' by Matchbox 20. She looks forward to after 4.00pm every Friday afternoon, when she religiously listens to Wright's Serious Jockin' segment, also on Radio 2. By the way, that's Jockin' with no G. Did I mention that there is no G in Jockin'?

(Ed.: "Er, yes. Get on with it!")

32. When she met The Duke of Edinburgh, the first thing he said to her (with his usual particular sensitivity) was "Don't have anything to do with that dashed Fergie woman!". She was so worried about offending him that she immediately threw away all her Black Eyed Peas 33 rpm albums, all signed "Yo! will.i.am xx". These were fished out of the Palace gold-plated wheelie-bin forthwith, by several equerries of H.R.H. Prince Edward, who now spends all his leisuretime in front of his bedroom mirror, gyrating wildly to "I Gotta Feeling" and "My Humps", with a hairbrush (not his, obviously) as a microphone.

33. She has had her portrait painted by the Chatham artist Billy Childish, co-founder of the Stuckist movement.

34. Meghan is a good friend of Gwyneth Paltrow, and the 1st and 3rd Wednesday of every month, she goes around to Paltrow's sumptuous Primrose Hill house, with her best friend Jessica Mulroney, for hot stone massages, intimate steaming, and "Body Vibes" health evenings, to "rebalance the energy frequency in our bodies' auras".

35. Meghan arranged, in return for a hefty fee (believed to be about 250,000 Euro) towards the on-going building works, to have the Sagrada Familia basilica, in Barcelona, closed to the general public for 6 hours so she and Harry could see it in complete privacy.

36. Meghan is of 1/32nd Xhosa heritage, through her great-great-great-grandfather, Thando Gugulethu Mhlambiso, an assegai-wielding ruthless warrior who hailed from what is now Vereeniging, in Gauteng province, South Africa.

37. She regularly gives bread, sweets, berries and raw cashew nuts to a bushy-tailed squirrel which has taken, when hungry, to waiting expectantly by her patio doors at Nottingham Cottage. She has named it Charlie, saying that as she is as yet unsure of the gender it identifies as, and as she doesn't want to just assume it, she wanted a name that would cover all eventualities.


904


THE DASH
A Poem by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?


THE LAST WORD
Half-Profound Headstone Epitaphs!

Here rest the bones of Martha May Charlotte
Born a virgin, died a harlot
She was aye a virgin at seventeen
A remarkable thing In Aberdeen.
*
Here lies my wife
Here let her lie
Now she's at rest
And so am I.
*
Who lies here?
Me, Matthew McDow.
Och! Matthew, is that you?
Ay, man, but a'm dead now.
*
THE DENTIST
Stranger, approach this spot with gravity!
Hugh McDuff's filling his last cavity.
*
THE HUSBAND
As I am now so thou shalt be
Therefore get set to follow me.

THE WIFE
To follow thee I'm not content
How do I know which way you went?
*
Here rests Thomas Wood
Enclosed in Wood
One Wood within another
The outer Wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise the other.
*
Raised four beautiful daughters
With only the one bathroom
And still there was love.
*
The little lad that slumbers here
Was taken by the diarrhoea.
*
Now I know something you don't.
*
VERN PENFOLD
RUTH ETHEL PENFOLD
We finally found a place to park in Dartford.
*
Here rests Cuthbert Lake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
*
Told you I was ill!
*
The shell's here but the nut's gone.
*
Here rests an atheist.
All dressed up and no place to go.
*
JUDD QUENTON
He looked up the elevator shaft
To see if the car was on the way down.
'Twas.
*
Here lies ANTHONY DAVID CRAFTER
Who?
*


905

[Coleridge's poem for Christmas is anagrammed into 12 poems about 12 moments in an entire lifetime (each in a different month of the year); the anagram also contains a visual constraint for New Year's Eve, displayed below it]



A Christmas Carol
Written by Samuel Taylor Coleridge


I

The shepherds went their hasty way,
And found the lowly stable-shed
Where the Virgin-Mother lay:
And now they checked their eager tread,
For to the Babe, that at her bosom clung,
A Mother's song the Virgin-Mother sung.

II

They told her how a glorious light,
Streaming from a heavenly throng.
Around them shone, suspending night!
While sweeter than a mother's song,
Blest Angels heralded the Savior's birth,
Glory to God on high! and Peace on Earth.

III

She listened to the tale divine,
And closer still the Babe she pressed:
And while she cried, the Babe is mine!
The milk rushed faster to her breast:
Joy rose within her, like a summer's morn;
Peace, Peace on Earth! the Prince of Peace is born.

IV

Thou Mother of the Prince of Peace,
Poor, simple, and of low estate!
That strife should vanish, battle cease,
O why should this thy soul elate?
Sweet Music's loudest note, the Poet's story,
Didst thou ne'er love to hear of fame and glory?

V

And is not War a youthful king,
A stately Hero clad in mail?
Beneath his footsteps laurels spring;
Him Earth's majestic monarchs hail
Their friends, their playmate! and his bold bright eye
Compels the maiden's love-confessing sigh.

VI

Tell this in some more courtly scene,
To maids and youths in robes of state!
I am a woman poor and mean,
And wherefore is my soul elate.
War is a ruffian, all with guilt defiled,
That from the aged father's tears his child!

VII

A murderous fiend, by fiends adored,
He kills the sire and starves the son;
The husband kills, and from her board
Steals all his widow's toil had won;
Plunders God's world of beauty; rends away
All safety from the night, all comfort from the day.

VIII

Then wisely is my soul elate,
That strife should vanish, battle cease:
I'm poor and of low estate,
The Mother of the Prince of Peace.
Joy rises in me, like a summer's morn:
Peace, Peace on Earth! The Prince of Peace is born!










January

My mother holds me tight
To shield me from the chill
When early Winter light
Shines on the window sill.
An orchid in her arms,
I'll be all safe from harm.

February

As heathers gently sway,
I get my minor wish:
To go out for a day
With dad to net a fish.
That bay with haddock rife
I will adore for life.

March

The iris of her eye;
Her hair that's semi-dense;
Her laughter and her sigh -
They baffle every sense...
Such is the nature of
The first, and final, love.

April

I stand here in a heath
And see her heading down
Amid begonia wreaths,
Dressed in a classic gown.
The ornamental doves
Elucidate my love.

May

As lilies scent the air,
Our baby loves to thrash
In big-boy clothes and chair,
His bib now stained with mash,
His rattle echoing
The messengers of Spring.

June

Herbs, blooms and greens are dead
And taint the garden view;
Above my blistered head,
The sun comes shining through.
My bluebells sadly prove
That Summer made its move.

July

The daisies line the gate
Of his new school of art;
The little boy came late -
It was too hard to part.
We madly try to mend
A bond about to end.

August

The thistle-thorns of gloom
Do nettle as I stroll
Through his near-empty room -
He's off to reach his goals.
No noise to haunt the halls;
We are alone this Fall.

September

A second tour of France
Shows love could prosper still -
The forces of romance
Healed us like super-pills.
The asters near the Seine
Restore my soul again.

October

I'm chuffed to proudly pat
These cheeks, so plump and cute!
No rose is red like that;
It's godsent, simply put:
If our mood's spent or poor,
A grandson is the cure.

November

Here - in this private place
On one enchanted hill -
I load her graveside vase
With dainty daffodils.
Each time I stop to weep
It cuts, the pain too deep.

December

I shiver with a smirk
And watch when they are shot:
The decent fireworks
Fall like forget-me-nots.
I'll meet her soon at last...
The time for prayers has passed.

[The minor poetical constraint is that each poem also mentions a different flower. But the visual one appears once all of the b's (blue) and p's (pink) inside the poems are colored accordingly and the poems are then animated - which allows us to end the year with a tiny bit of fireworks :)]