901

A young man named David decided to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they'd only been dating for three weeks so it seemed like the ideal gift - romantic, yet not too personal.

He asked his girlfriend's younger sister to accompany him to buy them, then she could point out a pair she'd like.

They went to the mall and the sister pointed out a pair of white gloves which David then bought.

The sister then picked out a pair of panties for herself and bought them. But during the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the parcels without anybody realising. As a result, the sister got the gloves and David took home a gift box containing the panties.

Without realising, he rushed the gift round to his sweetheart's doorstep, but only after drafting this loving and helpful note to accompany it:

"Dear Sara - I chose these because I've noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.

Had it not been for your sister Janet, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she'd been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time. No doubt, many other hands will come in contact with them before I get the chance to see you.

When you take them off, do remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they'll naturally be a bit damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I'll kiss them during the coming year. I do hope you will wear them for Christmas Eve.

My fondest love.

David x

P.S. I'm told the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

Scott, who lived in the north of England, decided to go on a golfing trip in Scotland with his best pal, Chris.

So they loaded up his minivan with their golf clubs and headed north.

After travelling for some hours, they found themselves caught up in a terrible snowstorm.

So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they might stop the night there.

'I realise the weather is terrible out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I am recently widowed,' she explained, 'the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Ah, no problem,' Scott smiled. 'We'll be more than happy to sleep out in the barn, if that's OK? I expect we'll be gone at first light, if the weather breaks.'

The woman agreed, and the two pals made their way to the barn to settle themselves in for the night.

Come morning, the weather was clear again, so they went on their way.

Their golf weekend was thoroughly enjoyable, too.

About nine months later, Scott got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but it emerged that it was from the attorney of the attractive widow they'd met on their golfing weekend.

Later, he popped over to see his friend Chris and asked him: "Chris, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf weekend about nine months ago?"

'I do,' replied Chris.

'Well, did you happen to get up in the night, leave the barn and pay her a visit at her house?'

'Oh... um, yeah...' Chris mumbled, a bit embarrassed about having been found out, 'I confess, it's true.'

'Hmm, I see... and did you happen to fictitiously give her my name instead of yours?'

Chris's face turned red and he said, 'Oh heck. Yeah, I'm so sorry, Scottie, I confess this is true, too. But why do you ask?'

'She's just died and left me everything!'

902

[Shakespeare's 140th sonnet is anagrammed into a topical and rather dour sonnet - but one that also contains a more positive constraint]

Be wise as thou art cruel; do not press
My tongue-tied patience with too much disdain;
Lest sorrow lend me words and words express
The manner of my pity-wanting pain.
If I might teach thee wit, better it were,
Though not to love, yet, love, to tell me so;
As testy sick men, when their deaths be near,
No news but health from their physicians know;
For if I should despair, I should grow mad,
And in my madness might speak ill of thee:
Now this ill-wresting world is grown so bad,
Mad slanderers by mad ears believed be,
That I may not be so, nor thou belied,
Bear thine eyes straight, though thy proud heart go wide.

Why I Think That We Might Really Be The Toxin

This hefty epidemic we behold
Has shown me we don't try to bloody grow;
Each promise made to halt this, truth be told,
Could've been said then kept one month ago.
Our gangs now raid the shops, consumed with stress,
Rebuffing the idea of unity;
Once-tiny trepidations we suppress
Now grow, debilitating sanity.
And while philanderers who we made kings
Vow to assist amid our frightened cries,
I'm less than avid to trust anything -
Remember best laid "plans" are sometimes lies.
Unless we try to be mature for real,
Some horrid day there'd be no world to heal.


[Besides a relevant acrostic down the left side, the Red Cross logo also appears once all the words containing the letters AID are colored red:]


Why I Think That We Might Really Be The Toxin

This hefty epidemic we behold
Has shown me we don't try to bloody grow;
Each promise made to halt this, truth be told,
Could've been said then kept one month ago.
Our gangs now raid the shops, consumed with stress,
Rebuffing the idea of unity;
Once-tiny trepidations we suppress
Now grow, debilitating sanity.
And while philanderers who we made kings
Vow to assist amid our frightened cries,
I'm less than avid to trust anything -
Remember best laid "plans" are sometimes lies.
Unless we try to be mature for real,
Some horrid day there'd be no world to heal.

903

[Helen Hunt Jackson's sonnet 'April' is anagrammed into 2 poems about Spring which also contain some relevant constraints]

No days such honored days as these! While yet
Fair Aphrodite reigned, men seeking wide
For some fair thing which should forever bide
On earth, her beauteous memory to set
In fitting frame that no age could forget,
Her name in lovely April's name did hide,
And leave it there, eternally allied
To all the fairest flowers Spring did beget.
And when fair Aphrodite passed from earth,
Her shrines forgotten and her feasts of mirth,
A holier symbol still in seal and sign,
Sweet April took, of kingdom most divine,
When Christ ascended, in the time of birth
Of spring anemones, in Palestine.

One Fine Day of Spring Outside

Stiff pines, remarkable in noble green,
Perfume the air around the finished nest;
Red cardinals choose not to intervene
If their lean hatchlings need a little rest.
No man shall bother them, while higher powers
Grant nature its refreshing primal showers.


My Mad Day of Spring Inside

Stiff fingers dial loved ones wearily;
The air within feels strange and thick with fear.
I hear the offspring break some things with glee,
And hope the foods I've stored can last all year.
I oddly have the morbid need to roam -
I'm doomed outside, yet also doomed at home.

[The poems not only discuss the current Spring as experienced outside & inside but also visualize this concept: 'Spring' is the outside frame of the 1st one (spelled 4 times by the 1st letters of the words framing it), and is hidden inside the 2nd one]

One Fine Day of Spring Outside

Stiff  pines,   remarkable  in  noble  green,
Perfume  the  air around  the finished nest;
Red   cardinals   choose   not   to    intervene
If their lean hatchlings need a little rest.
No man shall bother them, while higher powers
Grant  nature  its  refreshing  primal showers.

My Mad Day of Spring Inside

Stiff fingers dial loved ones wearily;
The air within feels strange and thick with fear.
I hear the offspring break some things with glee,
And hope the foods I've stored can last all year.
I oddly have the morbid need to roam -
I'm doomed outside, yet also doomed at home.

904

William Shakespeare's Sonnet CXLIV

Two loves I have of comfort and despair,
Which like two spirits do suggest me still:
The better angel is a man right fair,
The worser spirit a woman coloured ill.
To win me soon to hell, my female evil,
Tempteth my better angel from my side,
And would corrupt my saint to be a devil,
Wooing his purity with her foul pride.
And whether that my angel be turned fiend,
Suspect I may, yet not directly tell;
But being both from me, both to each friend,
I guess one angel in another's hell:
Yet this shall I ne'er know, but live in doubt,
Till my bad angel fire my good one out.

Merely Trembling If Impurity Kills Off Unity

Corona'll this time bring the globe to start
On what implies when all try to survive.
Now people take these grim events to heart;
Though demons, underneath, have come alive.
Already do we underdo hangouts;
Masks be devoted to eschewing germs:
It's to direct ideally microbes out.
Now - don't we find - how cruelty brightly burns
Away ideas that aid by lifting others?
This sadism is ending euphony.
In time, we'd force the pommel of Corona
On people in exile from family.
Now though we'll still be full-metre apart,
Still, let's be inimitable at heart.

905

[Helen Hunt Jackson's poem October is anagrammed into a poetic political platform with a seemingly randomly-placed acrostic - and a twist:]

October by H.H. Jackson

The month of carnival of all the year,
When Nature lets the wild earth go its way,
And spend whole seasons on a single day.
The spring-time holds her white and purple dear;
October, lavish, flaunts them far and near;
The summer charily her reds doth lay
Like jewels on her costliest array;
October, scornful, burns them on a bier.
The winter hoards his pearls of frost in sign
Of kingdom: whiter pearls than winter knew,
Oar empress wore, in Egypt's ancient line,
October, feasting 'neath her dome of blue,
Drinks at a single draught, slow filtered through
Sunshiny air, as in a tingling wine!

Feelings in general and (frankly long) guarantees of Joseph R. Biden's opponent:

"I shall make sure our honored laws are dust -
    Though to be frank, they're nearly now a bust;
                           My brain's bent when I listen to a peer,
                                  Then pan the proof and helpful words I hear;
                            In my eyes, losing is the worst thing ever,
                                  While dealing fresher damage - my endeavor;
                              I shan't eject harsh statues of sheer racists;
             I'll gladly go to war with tanks (let's face it);
                                   I charred (and rather well) renowned commissions;
      With staffs, I only relish their audition.
                                  He trims each horrid trick to snatch the crown -
                     But no abhorrent cop shall bring me down!"


[This particular acrostic was picked because, if the two opponents are switched in the anagram, the 2nd candidate's new and more positive platform emerges...]


Feelings in general and (frankly long) guarantees of Donald J. Trump's opponent:

"I shall make sure our honored laws are just -
    Though to be frank, they're nearly now a bust;
                           My brain's best when I listen to a peer,
                                  Then pen the proof and helpful words I hear;
                            In my eyes, posing is the worst thing ever,
                                  While healing fresher damage - my endeavor;
                              I shan't erect harsh statues of sheer racists;
             I'll gladly go to war with banks (let's face it);
                                   I chaired (and rather well) renowned commissions;
      With staffs, I only relish their addition.
                                  He tries each horrid trick to snatch the crown -
                     But no abhorrent con shall bring me down!"

906

'I Will Survive' (by Gloria Gaynor)

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong, and I learned how to get along

And so you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd have known for just one second you'd be back to bother me

Go on now, go. Walk out the door
Just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh, no, not I
I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive, hey, hey

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent, oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry but now I hold my head up high

And you see me somebody new
I'm not that chained-up little person still in love with you
And so you felt like dropping in
And just expect me to be free
And now I'm saving all my loving for someone who's loving me

Go on now, go. Walk out the door
Just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh, no, not I
I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive

Go on now, go. Walk out the door
Just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh, no, not I
I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive
I will survive

'I Will Survive The Covid Nineteen Lockdown' (by David Bourke)

At first I was afraid, a little petrified,
No poxy loo roll down in Lidl, I virtually died.
With every bloody day, my downstairs hygiene went awry,
I used to wipe my bottom really thoroughly,
Now I have it just drip-dry.

Run out of shampoo, cotton wool, and soap,
If you think you'll have some vegetables,
You're wrong, no way...you've no hope.
I would've kept my free-range eggs,
I would've divided out my bread,
If I'd somehow imagined in one moment,
Every furloughed idiot would lose their head.

Go on now, go! Walk out that door!
You knuckleheaded cookbook hoarders,
You're just not welcome anymore!
Ain't you the simioid numskulls who snaffled Co-Op budget beans?
Behave, you snivelling, thieving little morons!
I hope you get them down your jeans.

I will survive, I did not panic buy!
Long as I drink heavily, I jolly well know I'll stay alive,
No sauerkraut, Marmite, mushrooms, peas,
It won't have me going on my knees,
I will survive, I will survive, hey hey!

It might need major self-control though, to not fall apart,
With just one individual doughnut in my Tesco trolley cart.
What futile hours, Medway driving round,
(How I felt sorry for myself),
To downtown Aldi outlets, with sod all on every shelf.

No devouring junk now, the whole evening through,
I can't get one vital thing I want, owing to unthinking fools like you.
Tony in Knockholt, Sevenoaks...what an underhanded twit,
Stockpiled his body weight in Velvet loo roll,
Now no-one else can take a shit.

Goodbye! Now go! Walk out that door,
Go, you dimwitted, hoarding gluttons,
Look, you ain't welcome here no more.
You hoovered the digestives up...and ditto, all the cake,
Can't you make a bloomin' fruit crumble,
You no-good twats, do you not know how to bake?

Oh no, not I! I did not panic buy,
I know long as I have vodka (buried), I will stay alive.
No vinaigrette, virgin olive oil, ravioli, mature cheese,
It will not bring me to my knees,
David will survive, David will survive, hey hey!
David will survive, hey hey!

907

WE THREE KINGS

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to thy Perfect Light

Born a King on Bethlehem's plain
Gold I bring to crown Him again
King forever, ceasing never
Over us all to reign

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light

Frankincense to offer have I
Incense owns a Deity nigh
Prayer and praising, all men raising
Worship Him, God most high

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light

Myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume
Breathes of life of gathering gloom
Sorrowing, sighing, bleeding, dying
Sealed in the stone-cold tomb

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light

Glorious now behold Him arise
King and God and Sacrifice
Alleluia, Alleluia
Earth to heav'n replies

O Star of wonder, star of night
Star with royal beauty bright
Westward leading, still proceeding
Guide us to Thy perfect light

GUIDING STARS
(An apt Fanfare for Me and Harry)

We're a perfect family,
Harry, little Archie and me,
We fight to put the world to rights,
While spurning publicity.

O Harry is the Prince of Right,
I am beautiful and bright,
He was loyal to the Royals,
Till I made him see the light.

Since that Prince got married to me,
He's now 'woke' as woke as can be,
That giggling lad's grown into a dad,
And acts more responsibly.

O Harry if you were the king,
A better attitude you'd bring,
Lord of Right'll be your title,
With me pulling all the strings.

Our world wants a new Saviour,
Friends, don't fret, look no further,
We'll save the best, bar Dad and the Press,
They're errant and inferior!

O we're preparing a big sleigh
In our big garden in LA,
Filled with writs for all the shits,
Who slag us off day after day.

Unflagging we will doggedly go,
With Archie in his Baby-Grow,
Slogans chanting, blessings granting,
Look out for three halo-glows.

Need the perfect gift to get?
'Finding Freedom', I'd suggest
It's not fiction, it's depiction,
(We can deliver it direct!)

Will, Kate too, are getting good Press,
For toadying to Britain's NHS,
Covid's boring, stop ignoring
Me, I offer righteousness.

O into overdrive we go,
Scattering stardust to and fro,
Bells are ringing, we are bringing
You the Meg and Harry show!