901

FINGS AIN'T WOT THEY USED T' BE
Written by Lionel Bart
Recorded by Max Bygraves (1960)

They've changed our local palais into a bowling alley and
Fings ain't wot they used t'be
There's teds wiv drainpipe trousers and debs in coffee houses
And fings ain't wot they used t'be

There used to be trams
Not very quick got you from place to place
But now there's just jams, half a mile thick
Stay in the human race, I'm walking

They've stuck parking meters outside our door to greet us
Now fings ain't wot they used t'be
Monkeys flying around the moon
We'll be up there wiv 'em soon
Fings ain't wot they used t'be
Once our beer was froffy, but now its froffy coffee
Well fings ain't wot they used t'be

It used t'be fun
Dad and old Mum paddling down Southend
But now it ain't done
Never mind chum,
Paris is where we spend our outings

Grandma tries to shock us all
Doing knees up rock 'n' roll
Fings ain't wot they used t'be

We used to have stars
Singers who sung A Dixie Melody
They're buying guitars
Plinkety plonk, backing themselves with three chords only

Once we danced from twelve to three
I've got news for Elvis P
Fings ain't wot they used t'
Did the lot we used t'
Fings ain't wot they used to be.

NO, FINGS AIN'T WOT THEY USED T'BE (modern remix)
Kevin 'Kev' Glumm

They've turned our bowling alley into a cyber cafe and
Fings ain't wot they used t'be.
There's dolts glued to their mobile phones
In some dumb world of their own,
Fings ain't wot they used t'be.

We used t'ride bikes,
Wearing flat caps, trousers wiv cycle clips,
Now helmeted types, travel in packs,
Hogging the road in vogue-brand Lycra.

Plastic's wrecked our planet but they've refused t'ban it,
Well, fings ain't wot they used t'be,
Glaciers, eons forming,
Melting from over-warming,
Son, fings ain't wot they used t'be.
Streets that once had toffee shops
Now are rammed wiv coffee shops,
Fings ain't wot they used t'be.

Our kids used t'play
Conkers each day, out in the school playground,
But now they've been banned,
Kids, they understand,
It's about 'elf 'n' safety' - bunkum!

Tots on potties, young as two
Viewing iPads while they poo,
Fings ain't wot they used t'be.

We used t'send cards
A link to our friends, when on our holidays,
Now we send regards
In quite different ways - Facebook, text, or even email.

Just what does our future hold?
Much grey gloom lurking I'm told,
Fings ain't wot they used t'
Be in 1960,
Just ain't what they used t'be!

902

I offer the following Mathematical Limerick:


"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more."

No good? How about the next one?

Qualms or no qualms, a sum unadvisedly
explained all in word form (vs. known visual aids):


"Integral zee squared dee zee
From one to the cube root of three
Times the cosine
Of three pi over nine
Is the log of the cube root of e."

Gasp!

903

JOKES... mainly short ones.

Did you hear about the first restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it's tearable.

I just watched a programme about beavers. It was the best dam programme I've ever seen.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

Did you hear about the baguette at the zoo? It was bread in captivity.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Bad puns are how eye roll.

What do you call a can opener that's broken? A Can't opener.

Why did the farm scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane, but I cannot see it taking off.

The shovel was a fine, ground-breaking invention.

Son: "Dad, did you get a haircut?" Dad: "No I got them all cut."

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

I wouldn't buy something with Velcro. It is a total rip-off.

Don't trust stairs, they're always up to something.

Wanna hear a joke about construction? I am still working on it.

I accidentally handed the wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't
talking to me.

This graveyard looks really overcrowded. I guess people must be dying to get in.

I built an electric fence around my garden. Now my objectionable neighbours are dead against
it.

Whoever stole my antidepressants, I hope you are happier now.

Two goldfish are in a tank and one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Guess what you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

Son: "Dad, can you put on my black shoes?" Dad: "I'll persevere, son but they might not fit me."

The wife, bitter, childish too, accused me, me, outright of having zero empathy!! Have a
heart! How can she say that?? It's perverse. I don't get it.

What d'you call an over-fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

The wife asked if I was listening to her. Strange way to start a conversation.

To the blockhead in a wheelchair who stole that camouflage jacket: You can hide, jerk, but
you can't run.

I thought about participating in a healthier all-walnut diet. But that's altogether nuts.

"Dad, d'you know what a solar eclipse is?" "No sun."

Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they've got smart. Also got better
at it.

I do applaud the neighbourhood furniture store. It appears considerate, it keeps calling. But
bejabers, all that I had ever wanted was a one-night stand. Awkward.

Son asked: "Dad, can you put the cat out?" Dad: "Didn't know it was on fire."

The wife says I have two faults: I don't listen... and something else.

I was once paid a wage to work in a shoe recycling shop. I coped, but regretted it. It was a
strange, sole destroying experience.

My good wife told me to stop behaving like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

Son: "I'll call you later, Dad." "Don't call me later, call me Dad."

BOOM! BOOM!

904

O Reader! had you in your mind
Such stores as silent thought can bring,
O gentle Reader! you would find
A tale in everything.

William Wordsworth

Reflect a while and go to ground,
What is there to lose?
All in history surround,
In that, unlearn'ed, you'd drown;
My big dream is I change your views.

905

[For Valentine's Day celebrated this month, one of John Barlas's love sonnets is anagrammed into another sonnet with a couple of romantic constraints]

Love Sonnet XXVI

There is a secret all true lovers share,
A mystery none initiate ever names,
And none shall ever know whom love disclaims,
Whereby his votaries breathe a common air,
And know each other and themselves. Forbear,
Ye alien lives whom honest passion shames,
And ye whose bodily lust obscures and tames
The spirit's light, to seek an entrance there.
But ye whose body and soul have equal growth
And bear Love's blest baptismal mark in both,
Whether for joy the years seem scarce enough,
Or else to resignation doomed, but loth,
Approach Love's holy guild,and learn the oath,
Free of the secret brotherhood of Love.

My Proposal As A Sonnet

When I was brash and chasing thrills sublime,
I blamed each lover once that lark was over;
Like bourbon, love excited me each time -
Like bourbon, love seemed horrible when sober.
Yet, once I chose the road to growth instead,
One seamless Eve revised those harsh objections -
Unhealthy gripes no longer haunt this head;
My sour heart evolved and bore affection.
And as the heavens birth another day,
Red rays, as hot as an eternal flame,
Restore those lovely tones to Winter-Gray;
Your hopeful look of candor meant the same.
My somewhat novel verse shall do it best:
Express my love anew with this request.

[As the final lines indicate, the anagram displays the author's proposal as an acrostic on its lefthand side. But there's a second constraint - the word 'love' has also been placed around the poem in various directions that ultimately depict a stick figure proposing:]

My Proposal As A Sonnet

When I was brash and chasing thrills sublime,
I blamed each lover once that lark was over;
Like bourbon, love excited me each time -
Like bourbon, love seemed horrible when sober.
Yet, once I chose the road to growth instead,
One seamless Eve revised those harsh objections -
Unhealthy gripes no longer haunt this head;
My sour heart evolved and bore affection.
And as the heavens birth another day,
Red rays, as hot as an eternal flame,
Restore those lovely tones to Winter-Gray;
Your hopeful look of candor meant the same.
My somewhat novel verse shall do it best:
Express my love anew with this request.