Complete list of nominations for December 2004

DECEMBER 2004 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2004

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Richard Grantham with:
If it squirms, it's biology
If it stinks, it's chemistry
If it doesn't work, it's physics
And if you can't understand it, it's mathematics.
=
If it's wordy, it's English
If it's knotty, it's economics
If it squeaks, it's music
And if it's run by the Antichrist, dammit, it's sport day.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The RSPCA (The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) =
Oh, role's to protect a variety of species? Then I truly *can't* harm one fly!

3rd - Larry Brash with:
A terrible Indian Ocean tsunami hits Sumatra, and the Andaman and Nicobar islands, first, then Sri Lanka and the Maldives =
It inundates the vibrant sea-front Asian land, like Indonesia, Thailand and Burma, maims and massacres children that ran.

David Bourke with:
The former Pantera and Damageplan guitarist Darrell Lance "Dimebag" Abbott =
Bang! - Drama report: American fat bastard metal legend got a bullet in head. RIP.

Larry Brash with:
"Essential Psychopharmacology of Antipsychotics and Mood Stabilizers" - Stephen M. Stahl =
He says most costly pills may act fast to help both schizophrenia and manic depression go.

Tony Crafter with:
O death where is thy sting? O grave where is thy victory? =
Herewith have theory: Dying's scary, so get it over with.

Dan Fortier with:
Bernard Kerik will not get a Homeland Security job =
Worried nanny's illegal? Oh, dim jerk better back out!

Toby Gottfried with:
Donald Rumsfeld:
"As you know, you go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want, or wish to have at a later time." =
Today, we fathom that he may start a mad war with not enough killer-avoiding armor, yet say, "We love you! (Now shut your mouth.)"

Jaybur with:
In recent audience viewing figures in the US, John McEnroe's talk show beat only one other show 'How to Boil Water.' =
Oh, so then I gather few who love his winning line, 'YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!' are keen to watch Wimbledon court jester.

Rosie Perera with:
Dorothy Parker's Ode to the Martini:
I love a martini -- but two at the most.
Three, I'm under the table; four, I'm under the host.
=
Sotted potty-mouth here. Waiter, that famous inebriated lush had better limit her vermouth drink ration to one more.

Rosie Perera with:
I love a martini -- but two at the most.
Three, I'm under the table; four, I'm under the host.
=
We met. Thud! That famous inebriated lush better limit her vermouth ration to one.

Rosie Perera with:
I wonder, students, what do you all suppose is the circumference of a circle?
=
A fraction?
Ten? Ouch, drat, I'm clueless.
I hope "two pi r" succeeds.
Yes! Wonderful!

Rosie Perera with:
This new Secretary of Homeland Security, Bernard Kerik =
He enshrined liberty, rescued New York from air attacks.

Rosie Perera with:
Best Wishes for the New Year, Two Thousand and Five =
Hah! I sense way better news if U.S. had not voted for W.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Trying is the first step towards failure - Homer Simpson =
Pessimist Sir. Worrying is the end for our half attempts!

Alan Yoshioka with:
And he came to her and said, "Greetings, favored one. The Lord is with you." =
The Virgin Mary to the angel: "The Son arose of His Dad? A wonder, I deduce!"

THE AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY

This month's Challenge was to create anagrams on a Christmas theme.

1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Christmas Greetings =
Grinch misses target.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Traditional Christmas Greetings ‡
I sign the card, mail it to strangers.

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
As the clock strikes Midnight on Christmas Eve =
He makes visit to cram the children's stockings.

David Bourke with:
Christmas, the season of goodwill =
Food, stress, how magical, this Noel!

Larry Brash with:
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus =
Is true, as he visits a nice Aryan gal.

Tony Crafter with:
Turkey for Xmas =
Yum! Extra forks!

Tony Crafter with:
Angel, a star-beam ~
a stable, a manger.

Dan Fortier with:
Christmas tree disasters =
Distress as cat trims here!

Jesse Frankovich with:
For the holidays, you can't beat home sweet home =
Yet on the bothersome family chaos, we head out.

Jesse Frankovich with:
Holiday traditions =
Additional history.

J.J. Gertler with:
In the malls, as Christmas Eve approaches ~
Sham Santa sells his cheap crap overtime.

Toby Gottfried with:
We Three Kings of Orient Are =
Keen foreign trio was there.

Toby Gottfried with:
'Twas the Night before Christmas =
The merchants wish to bear gifts.

Adrian Hickford with:
The Sermon in an Advent Carol Service =
Vicar drones on at eleven: "Christ, Amen."

Jaybur with:
'Tis the season to be jolly! =
So? So all the best: enjoy it!

Jaybur with:
A Christmas stocking =
Tot's 'sack' is charming!

Meyran Kraus with:
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer =
Horned One's true pride led herd!

Meyran Kraus with:
Yuletide ornaments =
Damn you, tree-tinsel!

Paul Lusch with:
It came upon the midnight clear =
Time to put each child in manger.

Paul Lusch with:
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire =
I hung on to nice presents for Santa.

Paul Lusch with:
We three kings of Orient are =
Where go I? One fine star trek.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Queen's Christmas message to the nation =
'Tis the season monarchs get antique themes.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas =
Snow might reach far sited Miami?

Rosie Perera with:
Milk and cookies for Santa =
O, kids left a snack in a room.

Rosie Perera with:
The Christmas shopping season =
This month is spare cash sponge.

Rosie Perera with:
Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul =
O, sun melts phony parts; how joy falls away

Rosie Perera with:
O Come Let Us Adore Him, Christ the Lord =
The mediocre old carolers mouth this.

Rosie Perera with:
Vegetarian Christmas dinner =
Meat-averse and ring in Christ.

Rosie Perera with:
The carol "Silent Night, Holy Night" =
Hell, inn's tight, go try chain hotel.

Alan Yoshioka with:
The familiar tenor solo in "O Holy Night" =
A real noel... only... too high for him, isn't it?

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Jaybur with:
The Christmas Story from Luke, Chapter Two

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
On the twelfth day of Christmas

3rd - David Bourke with:
"...Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns. Oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest - no, the hand was cupping her entire right - Now! She must say 'No, Hoyt' and talk to him like a dog..."

"Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth. She tried to make her lips move in sync with his. The next thing she knew, Hoyt had put his hand sort of under her thigh and hoisted her leg up over his thigh. What was she to do? Was this the point she should say, 'Stop!'? No, she shouldn't put it that way. It would be much cooler to say, 'No, Hoyt,' in an even voice, the way you would talk to a dog that insists on begging at the table..."

"...moan moan moan moan moan..."

=

Throb! Oh, how erotic! Oh, how passionate! Oh, how hot! Oh, tosh! Utter tosh. Three astonishingly pathetic "highlights", thanks to the American author Tom Wolfe's
novel 'I Am Charlotte Simmons', the winner this year of the "Bad Sex In Fiction Awards", (behind it, London's 'The Literary Review'), the purpose of which is: "...to draw the attention to the crude, the tasteless, the often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel, and to discourage it".

The New York-based author, then, wins champagne with that joke Oscar-style statuette thingumajiggy, although the bonking laughing-stock shall not receive them, as he has sheepishly declined his invitation to the winners ceremony night this month. "How thoughtless! Now he's the only one ever to do that", said a helpful spokesperson.

(Uh, by the way, that big, long, hard "O"-word, though, just meant "anything that's to do with the ear, the nose and the throat")

Tony Crafter with:
SOLICITOR: "Mr Paddy Murphy, you want me to represent you in court tomorrow so you will need cash."
PADDY: "Ah, that's foine sir, but all oi have is an antique watch."
=
SOLICITOR: "Idiot! - Sorry, I mean, Mr Murphy ... well, you could try to raise cash on that. Now, um, in brief; what are you supposed to have stolen?"
PADDY: "An antique watch."

Tony Crafter with:
All the young women in Iraq have shaved their pubic hair off and are going on protest. Their placards say: 'Read Our Lips. No More Bush!' =
'Quit! Go! President-creep!' Brave, revolutionary maidens ably parading their weapons of mass seduction for Allah on high. Oh, hurrah!

Rosie Perera with:
When I consider how my light is spent

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
How The Grinch Stole Christmas!

2nd - Allan Morley with:
The Twelve Days of Christmas

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Paddy's Song (The Bricklayer's Lament)

Tony Crafter with:
A comely young widow named Bransome,
Was ravished three times in a hansom;
When she cried out for more,
A voice from the floor,
Said, "Madam, I'm Simpson, not Samson."

=

"Mamma Mia!" she whined in distress,
"Tho' immoral, I have to confess;
I'm a woman with needs,
So if you can't proceed;
No more wham-bam for you... more or less."

(Rev. Dan G. O'Nads)

J.J. Gertler with:
The Gettysburg Address, updated

Christopher Sturdy with:
Speak roughly to your little boy
and beat him when he sneezes
he only does it to annoy
because he knows it teases

Lewis Carroll

=

Nanny state say "Spare the rod;
Strike a blow, you'll lose."
You'll rue this when the cheeky sod
became wise, stealing booze.

The Onion

The Anagrammy Awards

DECEMBER 2004 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY