Complete list of nominations for July, 2006

JULY, 2006 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards >Anagrammy Archives > 2006

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
Zinedine Zidane gets a red card in the World Cup Final =
Italians win, French cried, and legend Zizou departed.

eq1st - Scott Gardner with:
Michelangelo's "Creation of Adam" =
Am on a ceiling of some cathedral.

3rd - Andrew Brehaut with:
The immortal shower scene in Psycho =
She's in the motel, chap comes in. Worry!

David Bourke with:
The England football team manager Steve McClaren =
"After bald gentleman Sven-Goran, the call came to me".

Larry Brash with:
Salvador Dali's painting: 'The Persistence of Memory' =
So, art fans love his darn melting time-pieces parody?

Andrew Brehaut with:
Making a standard story with ~
"It was a dark and stormy night..."

Tony Crafter with:
"Guantanamera" =
Anagram a tune!

Ellie Dent with:
Simon and Garfunkel ~
sing folk and, um... earn?

Ellie Dent with:
Salvador Dali's painting: 'The Persistence of Memory' =
Can some art doodles, perhaps, signify travel...in time?

Ellie Dent with:
Salvador Dali's painting: 'The Persistence of Memory' =
See time melt: Spaniard yields proof on canvas, right?

Toby Gottfried with:
"Murder on the Orient Express" by Agatha Christie =
Bring Poirot - he sure can stymie her extra deaths.

David A. Green with:
'Howl and Other Poems' by Allen Ginsberg =
One angry bald poet who's smelling herb.

Meyran Kraus with:
Old Vic Theatre =
Loved their act.

Meyran Kraus with:
The movie 'Superman Returns' =
Summer nap! Routh isn't Reeve!

Meyran Kraus with:
The sonnets by William Shakespeare =
Why "He's a brilliant poet" makes sense.

Rosie Perera with:
T.S. Eliot's poetry =
It's pretty loose.

View with:
'Murder on the Orient Express' by Agatha Christie =
Examine it. It's death, horror, passenger butchery.

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Vatican Observatory =
Vicar, note thy star above!

2nd - David Bourke with:
The Berlin Olympiastadion =
Played on Hitler's ambition.

eq3rd - Andrew Brehaut with:
German Measles ‡
A nameless germ

eq3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
Associated Newspapers limited =
Data's a mess. We print copied lies

Larry Brash with:
Australian Institute of Travel and Tourism =
Let's admit visitors into true natural fauna.

Tony Crafter with:
Master Builders Federation =
Trader met rules. Is bona fide.

Ellie Dent with:
Tesco Total Care Coolmint Stripe Toothpaste =
So, a cool smile attracts top teeth protection.

Toby Gottfried with:
The Lawn Tennis Championships at Wimbledon =
Men win match when sad topspin lob hits a line.

Rosie Perera with:
Scottish National Antarctic Expedition =
Intention: reach cold point at static axis.

Rosie Perera with:
Scottish National Antarctic Expedition =
I contact exact polar destination in this.

Rosie Perera with:
Commission for Assistance to a Free Cuba =
America's mission: oust Castro; nab coffee.

Rosie Perera with:
A licensed psychologist =
'e'll diagnose psychotics.

Rosie Perera with:
Twins and Multiple Births Association =
Triplets in womb in adult? Oh, I can assist.

Rosie Perera with:
The Venn diagrams ~
have tandem rings.

Rosie Perera with:
The National Geographic Magazine =
Oh, a grazing elephant action image!

Hans-Peter Reich with:
The Cigarette and Tobacco industry =
O, they tried casting doubt at cancer.

Rick Rothstein with:
The Lebanon Tourist Board ~
to bar Israel then, no doubt.

View with:
Hyundai Entourage =
Genuine hardy auto.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
"That's one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind." Neil Armstrong =
Note an immortal phrase, spoken after gallant men's first moon-landing

2nd - David Bourke with:
Dan Quayle: "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change" =
A quote even fellow bonehead Dubya (a decided mercenary war-criminal terrormonger) couldn't have said better!

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
'One Thousand Places to See Before You Die', an American guidebook for travellers written by Patricia Schultz =
Hey, it includes treasures to tour abroad, like Big Ben, Louvre, Tower of Pisa, Florence Cityscape and the Amazon!

David Bourke with:
The former France and Real Madrid footballer Zinedine Zidane =
Another inane bald feller red-carded. ("I'm no friend of Materazzi").

David Bourke with:
Tony Blair flies to Washington to meet President Bush =
Emulating best friend, wrote: "Yo, Lebanon! Stop this shit!"

Larry Brash with:
The Lord God said: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him." =
God made Woman, to be hostile, to nag if I use drink or I roar, to blast me if I don't help her at all.

Larry Brash with:
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility =
Bush does not meet this simple adage. He's one criminal constantly in a mess.

Andrew Brehaut with:
North Korea launching their Taepodong missiles in Sea of Japan =
Kim Jong's fishing plan - shootin' a nuclear torpedo in the sea area.

Tony Crafter with:
Middle-age is when your wife tells you to pull your stomach in and you already have =
Old age is when your wife tells you to dip all your stem in and, chum, you already have!

Tony Crafter with:
'Life is the art of drawing without an eraser' (John William Gardner) =
Whereas graffiti is more the handwritten journal on a rigid wall.

Ellie Dent with:
The Wimbledon Championships Men's Singles Final: Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal =
More cheering from green lawns: all see them lob and spin... find Spaniard has failed.

Rosie Perera with:
Rembrandt Harmenszoon van Rijn, four hundred years old this month =
Very major art man of north Netherlands did brush men, dun horizons.

Rosie Perera with:
Warning: A beginner might learn damn computer hacking by reading his ~
The C Programming Language by Brian W. Kernighan and Dennis M. Ritchie.

Rosie Perera with:
Microsoft's new "Zune" music and entertainment player =
Rant: Immense enemy can't waltz in on iPod's secure turf!

Rosie Perera with:
The North American Association for the Study of Obesity =
If thin one has too much to eat, it increases body fat. (Sorry.)

Christopher Sturdy with:
My mama always said "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." =
I always gave a frank comeback the same riotous way: "Only if you lose the index log, woman!"

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A middle-aged couple had two very beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son, so they decided they'd try one more time for the son they'd always wanted.

Then the wife got pregnant and nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.

The happy father rushed to the hospital to see his new young son and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever set eyes on.

"There is no way I can be the father of this child. No sir!" he exclaimed. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I've fathered! Rosanne, have you been fooling around behind my back?"

His wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

=

A married man had been having a wild affair with his pretty secretary.

One day they went to her house and made love all afternoon. Satiated, they fell asleep, but didn't wake till eight that night.

The man hurriedly dressed, then told his lover to take both his shoes outside and rub them in the dirty, wet grass. Then he put them on and set off home.

"Hey, where have you been?" said his tetchy wife.

"Oh, I won't lie to you," he replied po-faced. "Because, fact is, I've been to bed with my secretary and we had debauched sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bugger! You've been out playing golf!"

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The 'American Book Review' folks had honored the readers with a hundred hailed 1st lines in literature. Here's just a peek, then, at their top 10:

10. "I am an invisible man." (Invisible Man)
9. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair." (A Tale of Two Cities)
8. "It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen." (1984)
7. "riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs." (Finnegans Wake)
6. "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. (Anna Karenina)
5. "Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins." (Lolita)
4. "Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice. (One Hundred Years of Solitude)
3. "A screaming comes across the sky." (Gravity's Rainbow)
2. "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." (Pride and Prejudice)
1. "Call me Ishmael." (Moby Dick)

=

As I love to roam inconceivably vile fiction, I feel I am a bit guilty of being a vicious fan of illiteracy - so I offer you, if I may, a slice of it in my official list of 10 quite cataclysmic citations I obtained from a few (mostly trivial) books:

10. "All who knew Yas, knew Yas was freakin'." (Beyond The Known)
9. "She wanted to wrap her legs around him the way a tree wraps itself around a mountain." (Bodysmasher)
8. "Their jaws ground in feverish mutual mastication. Saliva and sweat. Sweat and saliva. There was a purposeful shedding of clothing." (The Stonebreakers)
7. "No! No! No! No! Oh, God in heaven! This cannot be!" (The Scarlet Pimpernel)
6. "Pin-stripes were erotic, the uniform of fathers, two-dimensional fathers. Even Mr. Hughes's penis had a seductive pin-striped foreskin." (Tread Softly)
5. "Her ears were filled with the sound of a soft but frantic gasping and it was some time before she identified it as her own." (Charlotte Gray)
4. "She made a noise somewhere between a beached seal and a police siren." (The Matter of the Heart)
3. "Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman? She is his own Toshiba, his dinky little JVC, his sweet Aiwa... Aiwa." (Kissing England)
2. "It was a dark and stormy night..." (Paul Clifford)
1. "She stuck to his prime grade-A tush like shrink-wrap to a rump roast." (Nobody Does It Better)

3rd - David Bourke with:
"If an infinite number of monkeys randomly hit the keys of an infinite number of typewriters, they would eventually produce the complete works of Shakespeare" =
If President Bush spoke for an infinite amount of time, would *even he* finally make perfect sense? For me, worth a try...yet pretty unlikely, IMHO...he's a drunken cowboy!

Larry Brash with:
Neil Armstrong, Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin, Charles "Pete" Conrad, Alan Bean, Alan Shepard, Edgar Mitchell, David Scott, James Irwin, John Young, Charles Duke, Eugene Cernan, Harrison Schmitt.
=
Just a dozen rather amazing NASA astronauts circled, landed, and walked on a richly shining Moon, during Jul 1969 to Dec 1972. All the brave crewmen's names here bring the principal cheers.

Rosie Perera with:
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
=
The trespasses that evil chiefs (still in office) enjoy: drunkenness at school, fighting (if not arousing) useless wars, and sentencing people to death.

Christopher Sturdy with:
If given the choice, always take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells make the perfect crime spot, especially at night.
=
Fat people accept their assessment "catch the lift", for I see they don't ever like to walk.
That is why legs are vestigial in America!

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Holy Tango of Literature.

2nd - David Bourke with:
The Devil

3rd - Zoran Radisavlevic with:
10 Countries Puzzle

Andrew Brehaut with:
In its original sense, a shaggy-dog story is an extremely long-winded tale featuring extensive narration of typically irrelevant incidents, usually resulting in a pointless, unexciting or absurd punchline. These stories are also known as yarns, coming from the long tradition of campfire yarns.

The canonical story begins with a shaggy talking dog. This amazing animal is much discussed and much promised, but slow to arrive. When it finally does and, miraculously, does indeed talk, someone in the story reacts with, "That dog's not so shaggy". (An alternate version involves a search for the shaggiest dog in the world.)

Shaggy-dog story has come to also mean a joke where a pun is finally achieved after a long (and ideally extended and tedious) exposition. The humour of the punch line may be due to the sudden, unexpected recognition of a familiar saying (see the example), since the story has nothing to do with the usual context in which the phrase is normally found, yet the listener is surprised to discover it makes sense in both situations. Therefore, if the audience has not already heard the phrase used in the punch line before, or is not aware of the multiple meanings of the words in the phrase, the surprise ending of the joke cannot be recovered by "explaining" the joke to the audience.

A shaggy-dog story may not have a pun at all; the humor (if any) is then derived from the fact that the joke-teller held the attention of the listeners for an extended time (such jokes can take five minutes or even more to tell) for no reason at all (an anticlimax). The following example is, in fact, unusually short for this kind of shaggy-dog story; many shaggy-dog stories of this sort contain characteristic phrases that are repeated many times (and the joke-teller will throw them in as many times as they can get away with) but turn out to have nothing whatsoever to do with the "punchline," such as it is.

=

Three explorers go to an Amazonian jungle to track new lands. They win the services of two piccaninnies - one to translate and one to guide them on their journey.

They turn into the jungle. Soon, the guide gets very skittish upon sighting an exotic marking on the ground. The translator says, "Ah, that is the Fabulous Foo Bird marking! They are mighty lucky!"

The trackers laugh. Soon, they hear a hooting sound from the treetops above. As they look up, a mammoth bird wings past. A loud juicy sound is heard, followed by groans of disgust and horror from the leader. The others turn to see that he is glossed with crap. The guide looks more excited when he sees this and starts signalling frantically. The translator says, "That is the Fabulous Foo Bird! You will gain riches and fortune. You must not clean this off! It's a penance. If you wipe it off, you will die."

"Ha!" comments the adventurer and cleans himself up. The natives are mighty nervous. Not long after, the senior explorer is clean. "You see? Nothing to worry us!" the green tracker says. One second later he falls over and kills himself.

The piccaninny smiles.

The following day, in the inner jungle, the same noise is heard yonder, followed by the sighting of the same mammoth bird. The second explorer is coated in gunk. Again, the reluctant servant voices his caution in vain.

"Ha!" says the adamant explorer. "I am not going to travel in animal crap due to heathen doctrines anyway!" He washes himself, and collapses dead.

The piccaninny smiles at them again.

The next day, the same twittering is heard. This time, the youngest explorer is coated in gunk. The jaded young man decides to play it safe and continue the exploration in his filthy state.

The expedition's ending is a great success. The young explorer is vindicated, attains fame and accolades and lives a long, wealthy life.

From this time on, explorers are always given this advice: if the foo shits, wear it.

Tony Crafter with:
GUANTANAMERA

Rosie Perera with:
Prayer of St. Francis

The Anagrammy Awards

JULY, 2006 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY