MARCH 2009 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2009

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Adrian Hickford with:
The accordion =
Chaotic drone.

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
Parental discretion advised =
R-rated television panics Dad!

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
Claude Monet's 'Impression: Sunrise' =
Seems nature, unspoiled, is crimson.

Tony Crafter with:
The old, animated Walt Disney movie 'Fantasia' =
Loadsa talent and ahead of its time, in my view!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The signature guitar of Eric 'Slowhand' Clapton =
Fender Stratocaster; an auction will go up high!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Carlo Collodi's 'The Adventures of Pinocchio' =
Our one nice carved child opts to fail school!

Tony Crafter with:
Carlo Collodi's story, 'The Adventures of Pinocchio' =
Cor! Classic toyshop tale for children. Out on video!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" =
Worries? Hon, we're above them!

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Confessions of a Shopaholic =
No cash, if cool fashion poses.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Money doesn't talk, it screams" ~
is some Dylan rock statement.

Adie Pena with:
"WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU FALL IN LOVE?" =
DULL (Hot? No!), HEAVY (A ton!), UGLY (Woe!) WIFE!

Adie Pena with:
Australia's "Sound Relief" Concert =
Nice results at a cool fund-raiser!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Simon and Garfunkel plan their reunion stage show =
Paul and Art reuse the winning folk song harmonies.

Larry Brash with:
Gary Larson's Far Side Cartoons =
Fantasy roles: dogs roar in cars.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Kate Winslet in "The Reader" =
Naked with teen ere trials.

View with:
'Cosi fan tutte' =
Finest act out.

Meyran Kraus with:
A game on Nintendo's Wii system ~
is wasting one's time and money.

Meyran Kraus with:
The surrealist master Dali =
A dreamer illustrates this.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Oliver Twist" by author Charles Dickens =
It's a clever start by child in workhouse

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Life begins on the other side of despair"--Jean-Paul Sartre =
Is a depression just a period felt before nearing health?

eq2nd - Larry Brash with:
The keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom!" =
Decree: "We're knights who demand fee or none pass, pet!"

eq2nd - Rosie Perera with:
Burmese pythons released in the Everglades threaten Florida Keys =
Ah, enormous snakes eat everything: birds, pets, the elderly... Flee, dear!

Tony Crafter with:
"Well ... It makes me feel masculine to tell you that I do not answer questions like this without being paid for answering them." =
It's feminist stage-writer Lillian Hellman, opting to rebuke a twit who asked the question ... "When do you feel most masculine?"

Christopher Sturdy with:
When you translate 'Plus a change, plus c'est la mme chose.', ~
see set message occur: 'not much new shall actually happen'!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious"--Albert Einstein =
As eyes perceive but the exterior sheen, metal ions fluctuate in beams within.

Adie Pena with:
"Money talks. Trouble is, it knows only one word: GOODBYE!" =
Well, your tiny modest bankbook is sorely down to ... GONE!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"I'm tellin' myself I've found true happiness, that I still got a dream that hasn't been repossessed" Bob Dylan =
And fans assert his Sony album label is bleeding them to death, evidently as supplement to their profits.

Ellie Dent with:
The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression =
See phobic pessimist, he of cartoon provided by Far Side, feeling blue, blinks then finds this hen...

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The first Sunday after the first full moon after the twenty-first of March =
The methods that can try to affirm first off when Easter fitfully returns.

Rosie Perera with:
Facebook users campaign to send condoms to the Vatican =
Amount of contraceptives shocks Benedict, as a good man.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Russian Federation president Dmitry Medvedev =
Putin's in the driver's seat, yet demanded: "Drive for me!"

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Larry Brash with:
What is 'quantitative easing', if not a license for our banks to print money =
It's a provision, but it ranks equal of an action of Germany in the Twenties.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
What is 'quantitative easing', if not a license for our banks to print money? =
G. Brown: "One fine Utopia!"
Kate Moss: "A thinner fit?"
A Ventriloquist: "I can't say."

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
What is 'quantitative easing', if not a license for our banks to print money? =
It is a notion so fantastic, that I prefer to answer by invoking Manuel: "Que?"

David Bourke with:
Labour's thieving now incorporates instant fake equity manifestation.

Ellie Dent with:
Answer to that emotive question infuriates: a con... by sparking inflation.

Tony Crafter with:
Ay; this Mugabe-esque trick so often prewarns an invitation to inflation.

Adrian Hickford with:
A: Thanks to your financial bottom-pain, saving is now quite interest-free!

Rosie Perera with:
Unbegotten waste! That innovation is a quirky recipe for mass inflation.

Adie Pena with:
Isn't our fine Obama trying a quickie plan to save this nation's rotten few?

Dharam Khalsa with:
I think any benefit via saturation to sterling opens quite a can of worms!

Dharam Khalsa with:=
It's no way to keep a balance in an equation, sir; it might turn off investors!

Neil Ramsay with:
A naive action; in an attempt to re-liquify forsaken business into growth.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Isn't it via these loans I can take quite a bit from our infants' progeny now?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Evokes quaint fairy tale intent to spin a shining coin out of amber straw.

Dharam Khalsa with:
It's a banker twist on a novelty magician quest for pennies out of thin air.

Rosie Perera with:
Nation insolvent, with big pain? No matter. Acquire assets of kin after you!

John Fidler with:
As far as I know, it's a queer type of unmentionable invoicing. That's torn it!

Adie Pena with:
It's like we American investors obtain a quantity of peanuts for NOTHING!

David Bourke with:
It's earnest intention of a "visionary" fatso PM, writing out a blank cheque.

Neil Ramsay with:
An unwise, insignificant, over-inflationary attempt to square the books.

Rich Napier with:
It's a quasi-fake way for an investment institution to help rob ignorance

Christopher Sturdy with:
To me, a blank cheque to inapt investors in far away foreign institutions.

Dharam Khalsa with:
It's oblique action, paving the way for a Frankenstein monster situation.

Ellie Dent with:
In short, men set on quick profit, use as an alternative way of obtaining it.

Dharam Khalsa with:
It's fifth quarter pay, met as 'retention bonus' in known AIG violation case.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A tourist called in at an antiques shop whilst on holiday in Avignon, France.

"I want something a bit different to take home with me," he said.

The owner produced a skull.

"But that's only a skull," the customer protested.

"Oh no, monsieur," replied the owner. "That is the skull of Napoleon!"

The impressed customer bought it and left.

The following year the man returned to France and visited the shop again, searching for another rarity. He again requested something 'different'.

The owner produced a skull, claiming it to be that of Napoleon.

The customer protested, "But you sold me Napoleon's skull last year!"

The owner replied, "Ah yes, monsieur, but this one is when he was still a boy!"

=

A doctor telephoned a nearby plumber to complain that his toilet's cistern had developed a fault. "Are you serious?" answered the sulky plumber, "It's three o'clock in the morning! I was asleep!"

"So? Tough luck!" huffed the doctor, in a no-nonsense manner. "In my work, I often get called out to see referrals at all sorts of unusual hours, whether asleep or not. Equally, I now have a problem that I consider needs assessing quickly, so what has the time of day or night got to do with anything?"

Ten minutes later, the plumber turned up and was taken to the bathroom. He lifted the lid of the toilet, threw in two aspirins and flushed it.

"If it's no better in the morning, phone me again," he said.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
One Sunday, as a church pastor totaled the standard weekly offerings, he pondered a large pink envelope containing $1,000 in the collection plate. A similar envelope was offered the next week. The following Sunday, he regarded an old woman with arthritic hands as she painstakingly placed an obviously full pink envelope in the dish. The pastor noted every week was the same story.

Curiosity got the best of him and he addressed her, "I couldn't help but notice that you always donate $1,000."

=

"Why yes," the lady acknowledged, "Each week my kind son presents me with $10,000 and I tithe the full 10 percent.

The pastor was taken aback, exclaiming, "That's very generous! Nowadays, lots of people donate $0 to church upkeep. What does your son do for a living?"

"He's a veterinarian," the little old lady noted.

"That's a fulfilling profession...and profitable too!" He added, "But, enlighten me - where's his practice?"

The lady proudly replied, "It's in Nevada. He owns one cat house in Las Vegas, and another in Reno.

3rd - Adie Pena with:
THE PROOF THAT MEN HAVE IDEAL FRIENDS

Friendship among Women

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her cuddlesome husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends; and not a single one of these intimate friends knew anything about her sleep over.
~
Friendship among Men

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his kind wife that he had to go sleep over at a friend's house. So the woman called her husband's 10 best friends, too. What a smart idea! Funny but these nine confirmed he had slept over, and one snot even affirmed he was still there sleeping.

Dharam Khalsa with:
I urgently needed a few days off work, but knew the Boss wouldn't let me go. I thought if I just acted "Crazy" maybe he would order me to take some time off. So I made funny noises as I hung upside-down from the ceiling.

Then my blonde coworker asked what I was doing.

I told the blonde that I was pretending to be a light bulb so the Boss would think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

After a few more minutes my Boss came into the office and asked, "So, what in the world are you doing?"

=
Twisting about now, I told my Boss I was a luminescent light bulb.

"Wow, you seem really stressed out. Go home and take a rest for a couple of days!" he insisted.

I jumped down, got walking, and rushed out of that office.

When my dizzy coworker followed after me, the Boss watched. The efficient businessman was flabbergasted. He asked my friend, "Wait a minute, where do you think you're going?!"

The offended blonde waved him off and stated, "Bye! I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Instructions on How to Install a Home Security System:

* Go to a thrift store. Buy what? The largest pair of well-used men's work boots, at least size thirteen!

* Place them on the porch, with a copy of Guns & Ammo hunting magazine.

* Put lots of huge dirty dog dishes beside the magazine and boots.

* Leave a note strongly taped to the door that says:

Hi Bubba,

Big Jake, Duke, Slim and me went for more beer and ammo.

=

Don't mess with the pit bulls - they went on a rampage again this morning and attacked the mailman. Messed him up pretty bad. I'm not sure which dogs got to him - it's hard to tell from the areas of blood. Anyway, Killer got loose, but I left seven of them in the house. Better wait out on the front steps. Or you can go shoot some buzzards - saw some real beauties just beyond the yard a piece!

Back soon,

Griz & gang

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:

The solution

2nd - Adie Pena with:
Written In March

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
A husband and wife are travelling by motorcar from Brisbane to Melbourne.

After almost 10 hours on the road, they're far too tired to continue and decide to stop for a rest.

They park outside a nice-looking hotel and book a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours or so and then get back on the road.

When they wake up and check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $450.

The man explodes and demands to know why the price is so high. He tells the clerk that, although it is a nice hotel, the price is outrageous. And, whilst admitting that the rooms are nice too, they're certainly not worth this ridiculous amount.

When the clerk tells him $450 is their standard rate, the man is insistent on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, then explains that the hotel boasts a proper Olympic-sized pool and big conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they were here, and you could've done,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain that they could have taken in one of their shows, for which the hotel was famous. 'The finest entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could've done,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity is mentioned, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!' The officious Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to him.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'I think you've slipped up sir,' he says, 'this cheque's only made out for $50.00.'

'No slip - that figure is correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could've done!'

=

Last Tuesday, we took some friends for a meal at a homely new restaurant called 'Mamma Mia's', and noticed that the waiter who took our order had a spoon in his shirt pocket, which seemed a tad strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back, I decided to challenge him. 'Hello! Why the spoon?' I said.

'Ah, well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Hallam Consultants to revamp all our procedures. And, after several months of analysis, they concluded that the one most frequently dropped utensil was the common spoon. It represents an average drop frequency of 4.00 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are more ably prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 14.50 man-hours every shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he immediately exchanged it for his spare. 'I'll get another one next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get one now,' he smiled cheerfully.

I also noticed that there seemed to be string hanging from his fly.

Gazing around, I saw that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I challenged him again. 'Can you please tell me why you have string ... there?'

'Ha ha; certainly,' he smiled. Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone's so observant! You see, the same consulting firm also learned that we can save time in the men's room. By tying the string to the end of our 'thingy', we can haul it out without touching it and remove the need to manually wash our hands, thus shortening the time spent in the men's room by 50.45%.

I asked quietly, 'Excuse me, but, after you get it out, how do you, ahem ... put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Dharam Khalsa with:
Welcome

Tony Crafter with:
Beauty and the beast

Dharam Khalsa with:
When all the trees have been cut down

The Anagrammy Awards

MARCH 2009 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY