Complete list of nominations for February, 2012

FEBRUARY 2012 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2012

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Ivan Andonov with:
"The Satanic Verses" by Salman Rushdie =
Such essays threaten evil Arab minds.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The winner of Best Picture, 'The Artist' =
French pair's tribute to the twenties.

3rd - nedesto with:
On the Origin of Species written by Charles Darwin =
Clear inspired theory of genetics was born within.

Adie Pena with:
The Irish actor Pierce Brendan Brosnan =
British screen-hero part: A cannier Bond.

Christopher Sturdy with:
She Stoops To Conquer by Oliver Goldsmith =
Too high-born lover's quest is comedy's plot

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Toddlers in Tiaras" =
Traditional dress?

View with:
Sports Illustrated =
Top stars. Still rude.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
"Dream is Collapsing" from the movie Inception =
Time for (Van (In a (microcosm) hotel) dip) sleeping.

Scott Gardner with:
Martin Scorsese, "Hugo" =
Gets him sure Oscar, no?

Adie Pena with:
Martin Scorsese's "Hugo" =
Oscar night seems ours!

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Entry of the Gladiators =
Target day for the lions.

Tony Crafter with:
Whitney Houston's: 'Didn't We Almost Have It All' =
Hell; isn't it now: 'The Hymn To A Wasted Soul Diva'?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres =
Hello, she's a network set legend!

Tony Crafter with:
Whitney Houston's 'Didn't We Almost Have It All' =
Whistle now this hymn to a talented soul diva.

Ellie Dent with:
Holmes and Watson =
As London saw them.

Ellie Dent with:
Actress Meryl Streep as the 'Iron Lady' =
A screen star's simply THE Tory leader.

nedesto with:
The Oscar Awards ceremony =
Where actors are damn cosy.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Live from The Land Down Under: "Puppetry of the Penis" =
Peter went soft? Humour in handled floppy-end viper!

Christopher Sturdy with:
The Artist wins the 'Best Film' Oscar =
This master of b/w silent theatrics.

Rosie Perera with:
Oscars Best And Worst Dressed =
Broadcasters stress odd news.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr Morris Lessmore =
My maker's in gilt for one of best-short-film Oscars

Meyran Kraus with:
The Oscar winning movie 'The Artist' =
It remains a strength... with no voice!

Ellie Dent with:
The American actress, Streep =
See her act part ... I can see Mrs T!

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
Singer Whitney Elizabeth Houston is found dead =
Another sad showbiz life in the US ... it ended young.

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
I note The Queen has reigned over us for sixty years. =
"She is quite extraordinary", everyone often gushes.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Madonna performs at this year's Super Bowl =
Her bootie warms up randy male sports fans!

Rosie Perera with:
Arab unrest =
Burnt areas.

Paul Pan with:
Mitt Romney wins Florida primary ‡
Fiery Mormons party wild. Martini?

Ivan Andonov with:
The football tragedy in Port Said =
Bad death toll for Egyptian riots.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Oh joy! Yes, it's Groundhog Day all over again =
Groggy loyal rodent in Ohio says, "Ha! Deja vu!"

Rosie Perera with:
Monsanto named worst company of the year =
Many men who can destroy one's potato farm

Adie Pena with:
The NY Giants beat the Patriots =
The best yet in that sport again!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Diet Soda Linked to Heart Disease Risk" =
So, kids (i.e., "Toddlers in Tiaras") take heed!

Rosie Perera with:
Humanitarian emergency =
I mean: Men are hungry; I act.

Rob Bretveld with:
Black History Month =
Honor MLK by this act.

Rosie Perera with:
The Valentine's Day card =
I'd have sent candy later.

Larry Brash with:
Valentine Day card =
I advance ardently.

Dharam Khalsa with:
His Valentine's Day card =
It can send lady a shiver.

Rosie Perera with:
Saint Valentine's Day chocolates =
I can love this candy's taste alone.

View with:
Whitney Houston, superstar of records, films, dies =
A terse End of the Show. Loss for music industry. RIP.

Meyran Kraus with:
Singer Whitney Houston has died =
News hint: "Yeah, this one is drug OD". :(

Dharam Khalsa with:
Facebook dad shoots his own daughter's laptop =
Tough disposal of bad posts? Ooh, what a redneck!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Martin Scorsese to receive BAFTA fellowship award =
Fanbase view 'a peerless film director' at actor show.

nedesto with:
Whitney Houston's dead in Southern California =
Isn't one ruinous addiction half the reason why?

Ivan Andonov with:
German president =
Pert man resigned.

Maurice Goddard with:
Hitler's secret photos reveal Nazi leader's vanity =
He's rated Earth's looniest crazy villain pest ever!

Meyran Kraus with:
Singer Whitney Houston's funeral =
US fans honor her, sweetly uniting.

Meyran Kraus with:
Singer Houston dead =
"A drug dose", one hints.

Harshal M. with:
The singer Houston dies... ~
not her eighties sounds.

Ellie Dent with:
The late American soul diva, Whitney Houston =
Another musician, a hit, we duly lost to heaven.

Rosie Perera with:
Iran threatens preemptive action =
Schemer in tentative preparation.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Angelina exposes ~
a leg, as seen on pix.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

Tony Crafter with:
"If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
=
The finest intuitions or theories lie based in the dafter parts of the brain!

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
John Terry had race probe talks; FA didn't support Fabio Capello...
=
Harry Redknapp is the clear candidate, up for football's top job

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
A favourite short joke:

Two Guernsey cows, Milly and Daisy are walking into lush field, when Milly stops, saying loudly, 'MOO!'
~
Our Daisy, meek, mild, follows on loyally; looks with curiosity over huge new fields replying: 'Damn.
I was just gonna say that.

David Bourke with:
The former chief executive of the Royal Bank of Scotland Frederick Anderson Goodwin ("Fred the Shred")
=
Knighthood for execrable thief was considered undeserved, and correctly taken off of him therefor.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Thirteen miles (all roads) of foot pain and heavy breathing...
=
I bet the event is Reading Half Marathon on April Fools day!

View with:
Planet found at perfect spot for life - in solar system with three suns
=
Scientists: People, New Home to stay! Fresh, fruitful land! Apts for rent!

Rosie Perera with:
Instagram - Fast, beautiful photo sharing for your iPhone
=
Anagram - Oh, I bet it is our philosophy to arrange fun stuff.

nedesto with:
Some guy is asking the lunch waiter so just how did they prepare all of their chicken anyways?
=
His rough waiter says, "Oh, no special kinda way... we just tell them chirpy fuckers they gonna die."

David Bourke with:
The late American singer and actress Whitney Elizabeth Houston
=
Our enchantress (with Madonna) certainly set the Eighties ablaze.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Terrorism suspect Abu Qatada is released from Long Lartin jail
=
I gasp as quite immoral bastard flees Jordanian torturer's cell.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Mitt Romney said today he learned something: there are some things money can't buy." (from late-night host Jay Leno)
=
Then, the foremost named by the jolly, greying, edgy ham: "Colorado, Minnesota, Missouri."
Yeah, that's entertainment!

Adie Pena with:
"Never close your lips to those whom you have opened your heart." [Charles Dickens]
=
Oh, yes! Every other couple, each woman or a honey, loved Rodin's sculpture "The Kiss."

Christopher Sturdy with:
US man has heart attack while eating 'Triple Bypass Burger' at The Heart Attack Grill
=
A hungry brat with ultra appetite selects a snack that might be a killer... aagh, arrest!

Scott Gardner with:
Renaissance sculptor Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni
=
Labor on iconic Sistine Chapel ceiling murals, or enormous "David" too

Christopher Sturdy with:
It's a tragic day we lose the comedian, Frank Carson.
He's a fun smile that cheers. RIP
=
One famous for his endearing catchphrases: "It's a cracker!" and "It's the way I tell 'em!".

Rosie Perera with:
Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections (PANDAS)
=
A mysterious disease in which our impaired person can't control tics, spits at an educated pacific doctor.

Larry Brash with:
Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections (PANDAS)
=
In part, I suspect it is a capricious, concocted, idiotic, stupid alternate name... words for Sydenham's Chorea.

Rosie Perera with:
The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences =
I count many damned Oscars for ace cinema piece "The Artist".

Rosie Perera with:
Rick Santorum says President Obama is 'a snob' because he would encourage everyone to attend college.
=
We don't need no education, nor Ivy League classrooms. Embrace gusto! Keep electorate as brainy as Bush!

View with:
U.S. Says UN Data Show Iran Is Working Toward Building Bomb =
Yanks sigh : No doubt, Arabs blow war winds. God, it is Uranium!

Meyran Kraus with:

Had a week to study for a psych test due on May 13, 7:45 a.m. I tend to procrastinate, so I decided to log my progress. Here's the breakdown:

=

Day 1: Repair fence.
Day 4: Read Prince's tweets.
Day 5: Paint guest-room door.
Day 7, 3 a.m.: OMG, THE TEST!! Hit the books!

So schedules don't work. :(

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
If Planet Earth comes to an end on the morning of December twenty-first this year, what will you do the night before? =
Since I'm diabetic, I'd repent, head for town, blow all my money on the SWEET stuff, forget the horror ... then EAT ANYTHING!

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
"If Planet Earth comes to an end on the morning of December twenty-first this year, what will you do the night before?"
=
I prefer to watch the ocean,
Where solemn gannets fly.
I'd feel that surf, their art in motion -
Then bid my town goodbye.

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
"If Planet Earth comes to an end on the morning of December twenty-first this year, what will you do the night before?"
=
I would ditch the Mayan calendar with its bothering offer, then sleep, then go on to benefit from twenty more years.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Who's the Human Being to lie down before the end of their storyline?
Man, I'd get in my spacecraft then fly to 'Terra Two'.

Ember Nickel with:
I'm celebrating with each family on that shortest afternoon. Why fret the *bleep*ing doom? It's often unneeded worry.

Dharam Khalsa with:
If aware, I'd reflect upon my life, confirm the twenty-one most worthy things I'd done, then go breathe one last breath.

Rosie Perera with:
It's a Thursday, so I'll probably go meet my mother, then down an entire decanter of wine with toffee; thenceforth...gin.

David Bourke with:
Ooh, I might post my wife some feeble "bye!" on Twitter, in fewer than one-hundred-and-forty characters in total length!

Dharam Khalsa with:
I'll spend my mother and father's nice wealth, but I won't need to notify other benefactors, for they are going with me!

Meyran Kraus with:
I'd down one last beer together with my despairing brethren, watch the Creation one last time... Then fly off on my UFO!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Oh, I'll be on here sending a perfect witty anagram to the contest. Now, why should it be different from any other time?

Rosie Perera with:
I'd commit suicide. I'd rather off myself then, only to be forgotten, than go where the bonny tweeter Sarah Palin went.

Josiah Winslow with:
Winslow's answer to my Challenge

Armageddon To Do

Interpret rumor effect
"Bye!" often
Theif honey (Hint: It the habit)

Josiah Winslow with:
The Winslow answer to the Challenge (if to do Armageddon):

Interpret rumor effect.

"Bye, honey!" often (hint: It's my habit!)

Rosie Perera with:
I'd waste all afternoon, go to my wonderful brother's nineteenth birthday party, then get some nice coffee with him.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Each see tomorrow we die;
Then try things money can't buy.
I'd roll a spliff,
Treatment - one whiff;
Better to end on a high!

Maurice Goddard with:
Worry? Lament? Holy Father!! Since I'm no fat goat, I'd count sheep in the bright belief yonder of the New Testament Word!

David Bourke with:
A listen to 'So Emotional' by Whitney Houston, get affected, then whimper, bawl and cry, tormented in the grief for her.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The worst? On my soft featherbed, Céline Dion offering, "My Heart Will Go On", in a tender embrace with that spent youth!

Dharam Khalsa with:
I'll be hosting one fun Doomsday party here, to let them better watch the magnificent fiery show in wonder, not fear.

View with:
If death isn't the end of my road,
Then my innocent soul will go far higher,
Maybe to a Perfect Town, where it's better.

Tony Crafter with:
Me? I intend to go surfing on the internet to catch any prime 'End Of The World Sale' offers that may be worthwhile. Bye!

Maurice Goddard with:
Winnie the Pooh: "What better? I'll scoff honey to my single content! Thereafter, bear Armageddon out with my friends!"

Adie Pena with:
With four days to go before Christmas, I'll go party, celebrate the now, then end the moment with anyone indifferent.

Tony Crafter with:
Read T. S. Eliot's rhyme-of-reflection on the world ending "not with a bang but a whimper".

A coffee. Then...

Into the Mystery.

nedesto with:
Gone

Some say eternity ends then in flame
... or ice?
From what I ponder of defeat
We burn with blotchy throttling heat.

Rosie Perera with:
Buy Christmas gifts (on credit) and then tell my wife (and father, too) to open them early, before we're one with nothing.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Mayan idea won't bother REM fans; they won't cry or complain, but sing together: "It's the end of the world... I feel fine."

Meyran Kraus with:
No panic! Ford can be here in minutes (forty two, that is), then we'd fly in the shiny Heart of Gold. Remember to get a towel!

Meyran Kraus with:
I will want to:

- Plan my heist
- Rob Tiffany's, unharmed
- Offer the gems to Beyonce
- Win her heart
- Get to do her
- Die content.

David Bourke with:
Now in short, I (and others of the Forum) will celebrate the
fact that Mey won't be posting in any more, the greedy fiend!

Christopher Sturdy with:
I, Horrid Stretchy Pus, went on with monthly anagrams in
the afterlife. Oy, I'd no Hebrew legend to beat me to no effect!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Stroll about in traffic, with my twenty-foot homemade eyesore banner, teaching: "Repent, the End of the World is Nigh!"

nedesto with:
I'd call nutty Harold Camping and see whether there's room for my wife in his boat Off To Eternity... No?... Then we get bent.

Dharam Khalsa with:
I'd hotfoot it to my "throne"! When the new planetary alignment occurs, fright (and the fiber diet) may free one's bowels!

Tony Crafter with:
End? Utter Crap! That night'll be no different from any other. I can see it now, me by the window, a meteor goes...
Holy f******* shit!

View with:
Ah, no offence,
I see no sense
To try to defend
Me or my friend!
By oath,
We can't alter what will be, right?
Triumph tonight!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Refute the arcane, mental theory, confirmed to be the wrong one. I whistle Monty Python's 'Bright Side Of Life' at dawn.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Not bothering with foremost hyperglycemic threat, I'd dine on watermelon and honey or sweets at the final buffet!

Tony Crafter with:
WAIT.
Confront our fate together
with my family
and friends.

HOPE.
Oh yes, benign Creator, tell me this
won't be...
The End?

Christopher Sturdy with:
Be escapee from cold winter month. Hibernate for the longest night of the year; only if true, this time day won't dawn.

nedesto with:
When the Lamb did open into the foremost holy seal, one terrifying fiery beast went forth uttering, "Come and watch."

Rosie Perera with:
Repent now? No, scoff! I'd act to ring my worst enemy Tim LaHaye and see whether he got "left behind" for the Tribulation. :-)

Rosie Perera with:
Listen to my CD of "The Who" in order to not fret when my final flight begins: up there ahead now, as to embrace eternity...

Dharam Khalsa with:
Life's breath is a gift, my brother;
Then, I can't emote or frown.
I need to gently uplift another,
When the day comes down.

Dharam Khalsa with:
I would pray, bare my own heart, show affection to the children, eat, be strong in the fleeting frosty moment, then die.

Ellie Dent with:
Blithely use the credit card now:
on new wines, fat food for me;
entertainment of the neighbors.
Pray to the Almighty.

Larry Brash with:
Since it now might be the time to get wasted here on free alcohol, then try any stiff drop of ethanol: rum, wine, brandy.

Ellie Dent with:
On the twentieth, I'd open Bible;
Gifts for Christmas, now;
Try rare wine;
Eat. Hell, they need naughty comfort food!
Amen.

nedesto with:
Twelfth Month Angst

No penance to eternity;
Offhand sins before we die.
Whither immortality?
Cruel Earth, goodbye!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Draft and etch the lettering--
If read, a fine art symphony!
Wrought into my tombstone,
Which no one will be free to see.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Oh, I want to feel deep enlightenment,
Safely, with no further embarrassment
Of writhed death by yogic contortion.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Andrew Brehaut with:
I was a very happy person.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me .. it was her beautiful, voluptuous, younger sister.

My future sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly wink and then bend right down when she was near me, and I always got more than a full pleasant look at her delectable private parts.

It had to be deliberate. She never exhibited herself when she was near any other males.

One day, my cute "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check all of the wedding invitations. She was all alone when I got there, and she whispered to me that she had so many suppressed emotions and desires for me that she could not deny.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

=

Well, I was in shock, and couldn't breathe a word. She said, "I'm going to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, come and get me, sweetheart."

I was stunned and reeling in shock as I beheld the jewess travel up the stairs. When she reached the top, the vixen sleekly leant over, pulled at her shoestring bikini panties baring her flawless arse and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there mindlessly for a moment, then reversed and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and maneuvered straight towards my VW Beetle.

Lo and behold, my entire new family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law to be hugged me and uttered, "We are very happy that you have resisted our little sensory test.....we believe we couldn't ask for a sweeter man for our dearest daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of the story is:

Always keep all your condoms in your car.
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Did you know that:

It takes your food just seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support three kilograms.

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

People's thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than that of a man.

There are approximately one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men do.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

Your body uses three hundred muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva can't dissolve something, then you can't taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

=

A short while ago an innovative new supermarket opened in Kansas.

The store has an automatic water-mister built in to ensure that produce stays extra-fresh. Just as it comes on, you hear the rumble of distant thunder and smell the scent of fresh rain.

When roaming past the milk cartons, you hear cows mooing as you smell that scent of newly-mown grass.

In the meat section, there is the aroma of char-grilled steak with onions.

When you move to the eggs section, the air is filled with the hubbub of hens clucking, plus the aromas of bacon and eggs frying.

Then, in the bread section, there are the evocative smells of breads, pies and biscuits baking. Oh, yum!

I don't buy my toilet paper there anymore.

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
And it came to pass, an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman who have done a bank job are on the run from the police. They enter a large garage but kick themselves when it turns out there is nowhere they might hide apart from a few old hessian sacks. They can hear the officers assembling outside getting ready to come in so they each climb into a sack and lie hidden as still as they possibly can.

The posse shows up and they soon come to the sacks and start checking them out.~
The Englishman resting in his sack fools the sorry cops by snarling, sounding just like a dog, so they go away.

The cunning Scotsman hears it and purrs in his sack like a cat with the same outcome.

The baffled detectives are about to abandon the search when they come to the last sack containing the Irishman.

Having remembered how his fellow men escaped detection, farmer O'Leary thinks, and as they manhandle him, the bemused cops hear the sack say "potatoes, potatoes".

Dharam Khalsa with:
Posting Permissions

You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
=
I must stay a stony guest, without any
opportunity to pen my petty comments,
analyse or assess you, add photos,
or promote my opinions?

Ember Nickel with:
Aural Occurrence:

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. At our bar, we don't serve minors." So, E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.

After a couple drinks, the fifth's diminished. G is out flat. C slurs. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D heads for the toilet saying, "Pardon, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not sure that this relative of C is not a minor. He notices B-flat occupying the bar, and yells "Rise or get out now! You're the seventh minor I've seen in this bar today."

The E-flat, not deflated, comes back on the following night in a gray 3-piece suit and nicely shined shoes.
=
The bartender says: "Hi, you're looking sharp tonight, come on in the bar! This might be a major development." This proves to be the case, as E-flat takes off the suit, doffs everything else, and then is au naturel.

After imbibing, C eventually sobers up, and sees in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial without fighting, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and sentenced to 3 years of DS without fine at an eminent, upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, C is found blameless of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

nedesto with:
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea.

But before she could throw herself in, this fetching young man stopped her.

"You have too much to live for!" said the nice man.

"I"m a sailor, and since we are going to Australia, I can stow you aboard the ship. I will take care of you and bring you food and keep you safe."

And so, with nothing to lose, the woman accepted. Plus, she had wanted to see Australia anyway.

That very night the sailor took her aboard the ship, hiding her into a small compartment.
~
Each night he would bring her good food, a bottle of wine, and would make happy love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was found out by the captain during an inspection of the hold.

"Bloody hell! What are you doing?" the furious captain asked her .

"I have an agreement with one of your sailors," the woman said. "He brings me food and I get a trip to Australia."

"So you say," the captain says.

Her conscience got the better of her and she soon added heavily, "Also... he"s screwing me."

"He most certainly is, ma'am," said the captain. "This is the Portsmouth Ferry."

Dharam Khalsa with:
"When statesmen forsake their private consciences for the sake of their public duties, they lead their country by a short route to chaos."
=
Hypothesis by one thinker of "A Man for All Seasons", which evokes the recent-refuted Bush-type atrocities that occurred...true atrocities!

Dharam Khalsa with:
When the End of the World finally arrives, how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Comes to End

National Enquirer: O.J. and Foxy Nicole, Back Together Again

Microsoft Systems Journal: Apple Loses Market Share

Victoria's Secret Catalog: Our Final Sale TODAY!

Wired Magazine: The Last New Thing

Rolling Stone: Grateful Dead Reunion Tour Possible

Nintendo Magazine: Game Over
~
Reader's Digest: Last Long Quotes

Discover Magazine: Will Extinction of All Life as We Know It Affect How We View the Cosmos?

Ladies' Home Journal: Rejuvenate, Restore Total health, and Lose Ten Pounds on Judgement Day with Our New "Armageddon Diet"!

INC. Magazine: How to Make Larger Sales Profits on the Apocalypse

The Guardian: Horror and Alarm, All on Alert, as England is Jolted by Tremors

TIME: Renew Your Subscription for All Eternity

Adie Pena with:
The Artist, The Descendants, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Help, Hugo, Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, The Tree of Life and War Horse
=
They all indeed expect the elderly and admirable gentleman should handily win it -- the highest honor of Best Picture for Martin Scorsese!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that it is not true."--Robert Wilensky
=
Whereas, to come up with ultimately new sonnet versions at the home workstation or desk typewriter is not...NOT...for an inept layman, weak-hearted bloke, or thick-skulled blockhead!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Ed, a grey old man, enters a brothel, advising the snooty madam he would like a coy young seductress to party for a night. The woman eyes him and huskily asks Ed how old he is.
~
"I'm ninety years old," he says.

"Ninety?!" giggles the shocked madam. "Don't you know you've had it?"

"Thanks a lot, lass," the embarrassed old grandfather replies, "How much do I owe you?"

Meyran Kraus with:

The all-time Top Ten list of the most wonderful and popular songs (that was published in the special "Five Hundred Greatest Songs" issue of the music magazine Rolling Stone):

10. Ray Charles, "What'd I Say"
9. Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
8. The Beatles, "Hey Jude"
7. Chuck Berry, "Johnny B. Goode"
6. The Beach Boys, "Good Vibrations"
5. Aretha Franklin, "Respect"
4. Marvin Gaye, "What's Going On"
3. John Lennon, "Imagine"
2. The Rolling Stones, "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction"
1. Bob Dylan, "Like a Rolling Stone"

=

But for others, I'll also list ten insane tracks with the suckiest titles I've ever seen:

10. Bloodhound Gang, "She Ain't Got No Legs"
9. Lead Belly, "Hitler Blues"
8. Corey Hart, "Sunglasses at Night"
7. Fall Out Boy, "The Pros and Cons of Breathing"
6. Yanni, "Standing in Motion"
5. Mental As Anything, "If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?"
4. Folk song, "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt"
3. Charlie Singleton, "Tears in My Ears"
2. The Devil Wears Prada, "Spongebob Grindpants"
1. Frank Zappa, "Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?"

Ellie with:
The new Apple iPhone FourS comes with a welcome built-in enhanced speech recognition and voice assistant feature called Siri.

Siri is Apple's newest artificial intelligence technology. Siri permits you to use your voice to send messages, schedule your meetings, place more important phone calls, or basically do anything more that you ask it to do for you.

Apart from that, Siri has a good sense of humour too, which has really caught on with many Internet users. The intrigued users are sharing some screenshots with friends and then posting the funnier replies to the wonderful questions asked by its many users.

Here is a collection of ten of the best humorous replies which Siri gave to its users.=
"What are you wearing?"
SIRI: "Aluminosilicate glass and stainless steel. Gorgeous, huh?"

"Can I get drugs?"
SIRI: "I'm finding hundreds - one addiction treatment centre's perfect, close to you."

"Clever! Take a funny snap, then photoshop the scene"
SIRI: "I'm not much of a photographer."

"Goodness! You're clueless, useless faceless poop."
SIRI: "I guess you've not felt happy."

"What's the best, foolproof phone of the bunch?"
SIRI: "ARE there other phones?"

"Gee, man, you're eccentric,condescending."
SIRI: "If you insist."

"Where do babies come from?"
SIRI: "Technically, their mothers"

"What's the tallest mountain in the U.S.?"
"SIRI: "Mt Mckinley."

"How old are you?"
SIRI: "I'm not allowed to answer that question."

"What are you?"
SIRI: "I'm a peerless virtual assistant."

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:

[William Shakespeare's sonnet pair that deals with the 4 elements (44-45) is anagrammed into 4 poems about the role each element plays in nature, with fitting acrostics.]

If the dull substance of my flesh were thought,
Injurious distance should not stop my way;
For then despite of space I would be brought,
From limits far remote where thou dost stay.
No matter then although my foot did stand
Upon the farthest earth removed from thee;
For nimble thought can jump both sea and land
As soon as think the place where he would be.
But ah! thought kills me that I am not thought,
To leap large lengths of miles when thou art gone,
But that so much of earth and water wrought
I must attend time's leisure with my moan,
Receiving nought by elements so slow
But heavy tears, badges of either's woe.

The other two, slight air and purging fire,
Are both with thee, wherever I abide;
The first my thought, the other my desire,
These present-absent with swift motion slide.
For when these quicker elements are gone
In tender embassy of love to thee,
My life, being made of four, with two alone
Sinks down to death, oppress'd with melancholy;
Until life's composition be recured
By those swift messengers return'd from thee,
Who even but now come back again, assured
Of thy fair health, recounting it to me:
This told, I joy; but then no longer glad,
I send them back again and straight grow sad.

=

The Four Forces

Ferocious flames! How hurtful, at their worst,
Incinerating forests in a flash,
Reducing with those mammoth, brutal bursts
Each tree into this barren pile of ash;
But often, fires of this major scope
Just judge the budding plant's attempt to cope -
And gift the strongest bulb that second hope.

As gloomy clouds go by like puffs of smoke,
I latch onto this muse they leave behind,
Remembering the moments they evoke,
The poignant thoughts which haunt my heavy mind.
But those become unravelled as I stare;
It's truly hard to grasp the When and Where -
For memories are fluent as the air.

When Nature had enough of summer strife
And bathes this meadow with a sweeping flood,
The most unhealthy weed might come to life,
Emerging in that puddle in the mud.
Rain can erode the mountain with its flow,
But tends to wash away the numbing woe -
Like wild weeds by the road, life needs to grow.

Eternal flame or cloud or stormy gloom
Are but null things to those within the earth;
Roots won't depart the quiet of her womb -
They've been below that gorgeous ground from birth.
How good it feels, in these embattled days,
To know that even when the sky is gray,
There is one solid thing that's here to stay.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
You, my darling you. Hmm.

Bittersweet memories
that is all I'm taking with me.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.

And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I, I will always love you.

You, darling, I love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.

=

YOU WILL ALWAYS LIVE ON

If you should fly,
It would awkwardly make me cry.
So you'll go, but I know
I'll think of you ev'ry day 'til I die.

Yes, you will always live on.
You will always live on.
You, my idol, you. Hmm.

Visible MTVs
That is all I will have with me.
So, goodbye. Please, don't sigh
They do see that you have to be free.

Oh, you will always live on.
You will always live on.

"Stop," I pray, "Ease a pain."
Ooh, I do gasp for joy, too, and pride.
I'm awake with audios about your death,
Obituaries go media-wide.

But you will always live on.
You will always live on.
You will always live on.
You will always live on.
You will always live on.
You, you will always live on.

You, Whitney, will live on.
Ooh, you'll always, you'll always live on.

Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Titanic Poem - 'The Destroyer'.

Out of the night it came, that menace of the seas,
Unmarked by sound and unobserved, its prey of souls to seize;
A pallid shape, dim in the fog, a monster, on it came.
And wallowed in the ocean path, its toll of deaths to claim.

All boasts of modern safeguards, mere affectations were;
Inventive minds it mocked and giant ships seemed dwarfs to her.
That mammoth ship, with armor plate, was but a cockle-shell,
And when its unseen hand reached out, with ease the giant fell.

And then it laughed; it closed its hand; then watched the work it wrought;
The frenzied screams of dying men, sweet music to it brought.
Unmoved it stood, with eager mien, while fifteen hundred souls
Went struggling down for evermore to rest in watery holes.

Its evil deed accomplished, it drew a conquering breath,
And all about the wreckage, a shadow cast of Death.
The mightiest of giant ships had just obeyed its nod,
And fifteen hundred souls their final voyage made to God.

=

'A Damaged Vessel' - The Unfit Leader

Into the light it came, a princess of the sea,
With silent grace it sleekly showed its might and majesty
But wait... it should not be this near! Yet nearer still it came;
The waiting rocks of Giglio prepared to stake their claim.

A crunch! resounded through the ship, the rocks tore through its side,
"Where is the captain? Find this man!" the frightened people cried.
A boss to give the signal for the lifeboats to be manned,
A stolid, steadfast man of status, someone who'd command.

A man to tell them what to do, who minded, was well versed,
Who'd activate that vital rule: 'Women and children first'!
"Where did the captain go?" demanded victims in distress;
They quizzed the crew but no one knew - all they could do was guess...

Fear and pandemonium were buffeting around,
And then that fateful shout of fear: "My God, she's going down!"
Some were doomed to be snuffed out, they'd live and laugh no more...
Meantime, Captain F. Schettino was safe and sound on shore.

eq3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
Whose misadventur'd piteous overthrows
Doth with their death bury their parents' strife.
=
I reached once more this date in February,
How vivid is the hurt of last year's farce;
I looked to well-intentioned poetry
And with poor use, to fall right on my arse.
I suffer words like 'geek', their heartbreak throw,
It's rough I suffer from this woman's scorn;
Saint Valentine himself with Cupid's bow,
Could not have saved the love that ne'er was born.

Christopher Sturdy with:
A SONG FOR ENGLAND By Andrew Salkey
An'a so de rain a-fall
An'a so de snow a-rain
An'a so de fog a-fall
An'a so de sun a-fail
An'a so de seasons mix
An'a so de bag-o' tricks
But a-so me understand
De misery o' de Englishman

=
A Malady For All Seasons

Season one, a day in bed
Reason: mild man-flu and you are dead
Season two, on one's back again
Reason: a bad migraine
Season three, STD and failing nads
Reason: sex (ask awful gang of lads)

Josiah Winslow with:
What are the hallmarks of a good anagram?

In general, the appreciation of a high-quality anagram stems from the fact that it is such an outlandish coincidence that two related phrases should contain precisely the same letters. Many of the following attributes, constituting the hallmarks of a good anagram, are based upon this one principle.

The following has been paraphrased from erudite postings on the subject by Richard Brodie, William Tunstall-Pedoe, Richard Grantham and Jean Fontaine. Anagrammy-winning illustrations of each hallmark are on the right.

Aptness.

Relevance or reference to the subject is arguably the primary goal of anagramming. This generally involves the use of synonyms of key words from the subject in a paraphrase of, or commentary or joke about, the original. Occasionally, the anagram may even be the direct opposite in meaning (an antigram); however, anagrams that are neither synonymous with nor antonymous to their subjects are unlikely to be as widely appreciated.

Fire of London
Dinner of fool.
[nothing to do with it]
No finer flood.
[a disaster all right, but the wrong one]
Inferno of old.
[gets the disaster spot on]
(Jaybur, 2000)

Directness.

The more directly apt an anagram is, the better it is likely to be received. An anagram that is indisputably true but that only indirectly suggests the nature of its subject is occasionally referred to as an ambigram, though where that line lies is highly subjective. On the other hand, indirect but unexpected/whimsical angles on subjects are often well received, and anagrams of this sort that excel in all other areas have frequently gone on to pick up Awards.

Madonna Louise Ciccone
I once made a conclusion.
[undoubtedly she did, but the
'gram is far too big a stretch]
A cool, demonic nuisance.
[certainly apt!]
One cool dance musician.
[but this one is both apt AND
highly specific]
(David Bourke, 2000)

Grammatical correctness.

The better and more natural an anagram's grammar and expression, the more strongly it will convey its message. Even in the case of very short anagrams (where complete sentences are harder to form), something that sounds like a meaningful sentence element is to be preferred - simply reordering the words can make a big difference. Condensations that sound like newspaper headlines are also acceptable. Longer anagrams should have impeccable grammar, however, because the scope of having so many letters allows great flexibility in construction.

A carton of cigarettes
Oft got a irate cancers.
[atrocious grammar]
O, air to get cancer fast.
[not perfect but acceptably
headline-like]
I got a taste for cancer.
[but this one is grammatically
flawless]
(Meyran Kraus, 2002)

Avoidance of incorrect spelling.

This detracts from the quality of the anagram and makes it seem contrived or the author seem semi-literate. Regional variations in English (such as color/colour and realize/realise) are perfectly acceptable and can often be exploited to improve an anagram; uncommon alternative spellings for words are also acceptable, but not preferred. Old-fashioned spellings (hath, doth, aye, nay, 'tis) and shortened words like 'n' (for "and"), e'er or ma'am may also be employed, but these (especially 'n') are usually best avoided.

Gastroenterologist
I let go torrents o' gas.
[the use of "o'" is a minor flaw]
(Larry Brash, 2000)

Clever use of punctuation.

Whilst punctuation is often best avoided, it can definitely improve an anagram if cleverly used. There has been some debate as to whether the addition of an ampersand (&) qualifies as valid punctuation, or if this constitutes cheating; this is largely in the eye of the beholder, but to be safe it is best to avoid adding ampersands where possible.

Medicinal marijuana
A cure? I'm in a damn jail.
[works well as two brief phrases]
(Larry Brash, 1999)

Minimal use of interjections.

Whilst the use of "oh", "O", "eh", "hey", "ah", "ahem", "oy", "shhh", "OK" and so on can be a handy way of getting rid of leftover letters, excessive use of this device will damage an anagram. Ideally there should be none at all, but the use of a single, minor interjection (usually "O" or "Oh") in an otherwise excellent anagram is unlikely to be considered a major flaw.

The Great Pyramid of Cheops
My God! Perfect Pharaoh site!
[in this case, the interjection
actually enhances the anagram]
(Richard Brodie, 2000)

Brevity.

The shorter an anagram is, the more unlikely and thus impressive its existence. Even as few as thirteen letters can be arranged in over a billion different ways, and though most of those arrangements are meaningless the implications for larger texts (even 20 to 30 letters) start to become clear. By about 60-70 letters (and particularly in the hundreds or thousands of letters) there are so many possible permutations that the clever coincidence that gives a short anagram its value has long since disappeared, and has been replaced by an appreciation of the author's skill.

Alive
La vie.
(Adrian Hickford, 2002)

Careful use of non-keywords.

If the leftover letters fail to do justice to the anagram, the best keyword in the world will not save it. Apart from their potential to cause grammatical difficulties, leftovers can ruin an anagram by providing too much information in the form of an indirect addition or unnecessary description. If no apt or useful additions can be found, it is generally best to keep words made from leftovers as unobtrusive as possible.

A skeleton in the cupboard
The artisan locked up bone.
[good keywords, but 'artisan' is
way off]
And lock up the irate bones.
[better result with same keywords,
but 'irate' is still wayward]
Bones are locked up in that.
[non-keywords are now spot on]
(Allan Morley, 2001)

Well-mixed letters.

Repeating a key word (or a significant fragment of one) from the original in the subsequent anagram detracts from the cleverness of the result. The repetition of "the" and other short non-keywords is acceptable, of course. Occasionally, repetition is used deliberately for effect and the result is sometimes referred to as a parallelogram.

These girls are barely legal.
The "girls" are really beagles.
[deliberate repetition for effect]
(Richard Grantham, 2000)

Avoidance of contrived subject texts.

The best anagrams are those where the subject is a pre-existing, well-defined text. If the anagrammatist has resorted to making significant modifications to the original in order to make the anagram work, forcing a coincidence rather than trying to discover those generated by the subject alone, then the result is considerably weakened in the eyes of many. Altering a subject by adding the definite or indefinite article, or a person's middle name or title, is a much less serious flaw.

A Nintendo Gameboy
Made to be annoying.
[adding an "a" made this one work]
(James H. Young, 2001)

Self-sufficiency.

An anagram should be self-explanatory; it should not need any extra explanation or comment. It is best to concentrate for the most part on subjects that are well-known enough for the anagram to be clearly and widely understood; occasionally, however, the subject matter of an otherwise outstanding anagram may be obscure/regional or the anagram may refer to a little-known aspect of the original, in which case it may validly be accompanied by some brief details. In the majority of cases, however, an anagram that requires an explanation is likely to be weak.

Giovanni Pergolesi
I love opera singing!
[here, the anagram itself acts
as sufficient explanation]
(Meyran Kraus, 2001)

Humour.

Be it witty, rude, sarcastic or whimsical, humour will always improve an anagram - especially if the punchline contains a real surprise. Rude anagrams are a particular favourite, but please remember they aren't to everyone's taste.

He's a legend in his own mind
Neil Diamond, when he sings.
(Tom Myers, 2002)
=

What are the hallmarks of a bad anagram?

Hi! The name is Josiah Winslow, and I'm a newcomer in the world of anagrams. I thought I would point out my flaws in earlier, unreleased ones. (I would also like to fix other non-satisfactory anagrams.)

I. Miscalculation of letters. Don't worry, this is quite common in some beginner anagrams. An embarassing leftover "x" or "z", or maybe a left out "t" or "s".
Example:

Sal Tuscany
Santa Clus y [leftover y and leftout a]

II. Usage of old spellings. Try not to use "thee", "hath", or "thou art", for example. I can't blame you when you say that the writers of the KJV Bible used good English, but not good enough for modern standards!
Example:

They demise some evidence
Doth mine eyes decieve me? [I'm pretty sure that that spelling is rarely used anymore]

III. Putting a large chunk of the subject in the anagram. The source of this one says that "repeating a key word...detracts from the cleverness of the result". I certainly agree.

IV. Yoda-grammar. Bad grammar you must avoid.
Example:

The outcome, it's by halfway. I weary. The force - always may it be with you. [this uses it twice, in both the subject and anagram]

V. Disposal of numbers in the anagram. Although this can make it 63,720,000,200,020,002,002,200,019,992,000,200,220,012,000,200,120,012,002 times easier, it is better to write "sixty-three septendecillion, seven hundred twenty sexdecillion, two hundred quattuordecillion, twenty tredecillion, two duodecillion, two undecillion, two hundred decillion, nineteen nonillion, nine hundred ninety-two octillion, two hundred sextillion, two hundred twenty quintillion, twelve quadrillion, two hundred billion, one hundred twenty million, twelve thousand, and two."

VI. URLs in the anagram text. For more information, go to http://www.anagram.com/url-overuse.exe (it gets rid of three w's). This is equivalent to an annoying spam message online. It is not needed whatsoever.

VII. Creation of new medicine. Metanasonexplomnopticrine has not been invented yet, but the possibility that it might is not a valid reason to use it in an anagram.

VIII. Excessive repetition. Very bad error. Very boring error. No good error.

IX. Screaming excessively. Don't scream too much, like "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" or "yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" It's a common error, but it's nothing to be ashamed of.

X. Creating fake names. Sure, maybe there's a desert island called Tarraccanaaomipattraa, and it might be home to a woman named Elsinorious, but that alone is not enough for her inclusion in an anagram.

XI. Using aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll of the above tricks at once. Tribniaites (or whaaaaaatevvvahhhh thee calls them) are the common offenders. Tribniaites are bad. Tribniaites aren't good. They ignore that "repeating a key word (or a significant fragment of one) from the original in the subsequent anagram detracts from the cleverness of the result", and yet they see it every day after they take their Trixambaris (a common name for guys who do that is Sallalia Grammanima). You should put them to death immediately. ESPECIALLY if it ends in strings of annoyingly repetitious jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj's, kvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkvkkkk's, bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbpppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp's, dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnntttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt's, lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmcccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc's, ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu's, oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii's, and sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss's.

Tony Crafter with:
Who'd Be A Police Officer in the UK!

Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
First - Let's pose the following question:

You are on duty, walking down a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife appears around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges.

You are carrying a Glock .50, and you are an expert shot, however you have just a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do?

THE BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the policeman must consider the assailant's Human Rights.

Does he look poor or oppressed?

Is he newly arrived in this country and perhaps doesn't understand the law?

Have I ever done anything to him that would provoke him into wanting to attack me?

Am I dressed provocatively?

Should I run away?

Could I perhaps swing my gun like a club and dislodge the knife from the man's hand?

Should I attempt to negotiate with him to discuss what he's doing wrong?

Does the Glock .50 have the appropriate 11 safety devices built into it?

Why am I armed with a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of extreme message does this send to society?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he merely be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to kill me?

If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, cracks his head and breaks his neck?

If I shoot and wound him, and then lose the resulting court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of the family home?

THE AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG!

THE AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
(Sergeant arrives at the scene later and remarks: 'Wow! Nice grouping!')

=

Couples In Conflict.

'Cash, check or card?' I enquired, after bagging up an item the lady customer was purchasing.
As she looked for her purse, I noticed a remote control for a television in her bag.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote in your bag?' I asked jokingly.
'No,' she chuckled, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

***

I am never going to understand females.
I just cannot understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip all the hair out by its roots, yet still be afraid of a spider.

***

A couple drove along a country road for several miles, not saying anything.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a farmyard full of donkeys, goats, and pigs, the husband snorted sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

***

A husband read an article to his wife saying women use twice as many words a day as men.
The wife replied, 'That's because females have to repeat everything twice to men.'
The husband turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

***

A married couple were having problems at home and were consciously giving each other the cool, silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man looked at the clock and realised he'd need his wife to wake him for an early business flight next morning.

Not wanting to be first to break the silence (i.e: lose a heroic victory!) he scribbled on a piece of paper: 'Please wake me at 5:10 AM.' He left it where he knew she'd find it.

The following morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was nine o'clock and he'd missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and ask why his wife had not woken him, when he noticed a note by the bed. The note read, 'It's 5:10 AM . Wake up.'

Men are just not equipped for these kinds of conflicts.

Dharam Khalsa with:
My Grandfather's Clock
Henry Clay Work

My grandfather's clock
Was too large for the shelf,
So it stood ninety years on the floor;
It was taller by half
Than the old man himself,
Though it weighed not a pennyweight more.
It was bought on the morn
Of the day that he was born,
And was always his treasure and pride;
But it stopped short
Never to go again,
When the old man died.
=
My Grandfather's Waterproof Watch

Oh, my grandfather's watch
Was the best-selling one made
By the Tommy Bahama Company;
A lot like the steel one
The young braggart displayed
On the high-fashion show on TV.
"Oh, It works under the water so perfectly;
One year, and it still has a ticking sound!"
Grandfather tried his only this afternoon;
That's how our old fellow drowned.

nedesto with:
February by Sara Teasdale

They spoke of him I love
With cruel words and gay;
My lips kept silent guard
On all I could not say.

I heard, and down the street
The lonely trees in the square
Stood in the winter wind
Patient and bare.

I heard . . . oh voiceless trees
Under the wind, I knew
The eager terrible spring
Hidden in you.

=

A Little Rodent Riddle by ned

A groundhog name of Phil,
Questioned once a year;
Everyone's intent to ask
"Is nicer weather near?"

Bolting from his elite hole
To render by decree;
Will his hidden butt, perhaps,
Kill serendipity?

Even tho' it was
A dreary lurid day,
He saw his shadow underneath;
Tut-tut! Spring's weeks away!

nedesto with:
A lawyer went hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field.

As the lawyer was climbing over the fence, an aging farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

"I shot a duck and it went in this field", the lawyer said, "And now I'm going to get it."

"No, this here's my property", said the farmer, "And I say you aren't coming over."

"I'm one of the nation's best lawyers", said the indignant attorney, "And if you won't give me that duck, I'll sue you and take your money and all that you own."

The elderly farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you haven't heard how we do things in Scotland. We handle everyday disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."

"Really?", the lawyer asked cautiously, "And what is that?"

"First I kick you three times", said the farmer, "And then you get three at me, and so on again, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the codger. He agreed to the terms.

The farmer went up to the city man. His first blow planted the toe of his heavy boot into the lawyer's groin. The lawyer was flat on his belly.

His second nearly ripped the nose off his face. Then the farmer landed an unmerciful blow to his kidney nearly causing him to give up, but he didn't.

The irate lawyer summoned every bit of his will, got to his feet and said, "Now it's my turn, you tosser!"

The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the bird!"
=

A London magistrate in a hearing room at the county courthouse was taking testimony from a woman regarding her pending divorce proceedings, and asked her, "What are the grounds for this?"

"About fifty acres", she testified, "And a nice little home in the middle of the property and a bottoms with a windmill and a pretty little stream running by a pond."

"No," the magistrate said gently, "What is the foundation of this case?"

"Why, I think it is made with concrete blocks under brick and mortar.", the wife testified.

"I mean", he said, frowning, "What are your relations like?"

"I have two aunts, a nephew, and my uncle that live here in town. So do my husband's parents."

"Do you have a real grudge, Ma'am?", he asked dryly.

"Lord no," the wife replied thoughtfully, "We have a little two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please. . ." he tried again; "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Oh yes, with both my grandson and my daughter; they have newfangled stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but still the answer to your question is yes."

"Has your husband ever beat you up?", he asked attempting to get at the truth finally.

"Oh yes", she testified steadily, "I know he gets up earlier than I do about twice a week."

Wholly in frustration, the magistrate finally huffed sharply, "OK lady, then why did you want the divorce?!"

"Oh, I don't," she replied fretfully. "Frankly I've never wanted one. My husband does. That cloddish old dolt says he can't communicate with me!!"

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