Complete list of nominations for May, 2012

MAY 2012 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2012

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The Diamond Jubilee anniversary celebrations =
Ever a noble icon, Her Majesty's lauded in Britain!

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
The annular solar eclipse =
Lunar halo is pearlescent.

3rd - View with:
Sad men mourn ~
Donna Summer.

Rosie Perera with:
The May Day anti-capitalism protests =
A pity many idiots march past Seattle.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Roy Hodgson is England's football manager =
So, fans... all-or-nothing sad old man, by George!

Rosie Perera with:
Torrid? No, my mistake; ~
Mitt Romney is a dork.

Dr. Charles G. Waugh with:
Gay unions =
Agony in U.S.

Rosie Perera with:
Lunar phases to influence ~
annular eclipse of the sun.

nedesto with:
National Escargot Day =
Try a snail taco? Egad, no!

Ivan Andonov with:
Tomislav Nikolic, the new president of Serbia =
Proven man won, I see. Boris Tadic felt like shit.

Rosie Perera with:
Notre Dame sues President Obama =
Enormous debate, separate minds.

Adie Pena with:
Air Force Academy graduates =
Four dear gay cadets, America!

Meyran Kraus with:
Daredevil in wingsuit completes the leap safely =
Then I guess a simple little idea proved we can fly.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Massive wildfire is largest in New Mexico history =
Excessive shifting wind worries military - me also!

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
The Olympic Stadium =
My athletics podium

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
McDonald's 'Healthy Eating Options'? =
They all had a "STOP! DON'T COME IN!" sign. ;)

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Statue of the Little Mermaid, Copenhagen =
Glum female pointed her tits at the ocean.

David Bourke with:
Bayerische Motoren Werke AG =
Ooh, we may anger erect bikers!

View with:
The Chevrolet Malibu =
Real vehicle to thumb!

David Bourke with:
The 'Some Like It Hot' curry house =
You risk the toilet so much here!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The racehorse "I'll Have Another" =
A cheer! Hooves thrill the arena.

David Bourke with:
The new Costa ship 'The Costa Fascinosa' =
Safe seas, with no Capt. Schettino chaos!

Christopher Sturdy with:
The Royal National Institute of Blind People =
Inability to see and not real helpful to point.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Yad Vashem holocaust memorial in Israel =
I hear a roomy hall housed late victims' names.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Hearst Publications =
That is so Republican.

Rosie Perera with:
Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples =
UN to high elite foes: go respect poor Indians' land.

View with:
Truvada (Gilead Sciences Incorporated) =
Ordered top vaccine against cruel AIDS

Rosie Perera with:
The Electronic Privacy Information Center =
Proficiency in rather covert email content.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Leadership Conference of Women Religious =
College name for heroic nuns who defer pieties

Adie Pena with:
Republican senator =
Insane crap; trouble.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The Office for Budget Responsibility =
If coffers be light, posit, you're in debt!

Rick Rothstein with:
This expert's a ~
sex therapist.

Larry Brash with:
Continuing Professional Development =
End in improving couple of one's talents.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A guy goes into a bar. He orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Why are you drinking them so fast?"

The guy says, "Hell, man; you would be drinking fast too if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "85 cents."

=

Two rest-home seniors are chatting. The guy says, "Can you guess my age, Brenda?"

She says, "Yeah, but I've gotta feel your balls first, Frank."

With that, her hand dives down his front. She has a tug and a grab and then says, "...85."

"Darn it! How did you know that?" he asks.

"You told me yesterday."

Meyran Kraus. with:

Cat Statistics and Records

Most popular breed: Domestic Shorthair
Least popular breed: Norwegian Crotch Clawer
Highest mortality rate: Near most Korean restaurants

Oldest age recorded: 38 years
Amount of time spent sleeping: 25 years
Amount of time spent making it take its damn pills: The other 13 years

US voter count in the 2010 Federal Elections: 90 million
Number of "LOLCAT" GIFs uploaded to the web during 2010: 150 million

Largest amount of cats owned by a single person: 700
Frequency of their childrens' visits: Every 4 years

Longest time a cat has gone missing: 15 years
Distance crossed to get back home: 1,600 miles
Number of times it showed any affection toward its owners upon reuniting with them: 0
Number of dead birds left in their slippers on the very next morning: 2.=
Dog Statistics and Records

Most common dog name: Max
Least common dog name: Poop Machine

Smartest breed: Border Collie
Number of times it runs into the glass doors anyway every year: 200

Fastest breed: Greyhound (at 43.5 MPH)
Alternative answer: Any dog fleeing the pet clinic

Amount of dogs adopted in US cities in 2010: 800,000
Amount of pee wetting those owners' steps a minute later: 61,500 gallons

First canine in space: Laika, 11.3.1957
Most vital conclusion Laika reached on the historic flight: "Feet are yummy"

Most popular breeds: Labrador Retriever, Yorkshire Terrier
Fictitious crossbreeding result: The Squashed Terrier

Westminster's 2012 Best In Show title winner: Malachy the Pekingese
Turn ons: Sniffing the odd butt; A man's leg
Turn offs: Toilet water not properly chilled.

3rd - Larry Brash with:
Meyran Kraus
Tony Crafter
Adie Pena
Dharam Khalsa
Larry Brash
Nedesto
David Bourke
Ellie Dent
Chris Sturdy
Scott Gardner
Rick Rothstein
Rosie Perera

=

This Rankings Board marks the order of the remarkably lucky and steady leaders' careers, their years' report card, and love and pursuit in this recreation.

Dharam Khalsa with:
US News and World Report: The 10 Best Places to Retire in 2012 (in the US):

Flagstaff, Arizona
Boone, North Carolina
Traverse City, Michigan
Walnut Creek, California
Ithaca, New York
Lincoln, Nebraska
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Port Charlotte, Florida
Pittsfield, Massachusetts
Santa Fe, New Mexico
=
High altitude backpacking?
Socialize with Appalachian rednecks!
A Scrabble date?
It's not San Francisco!
Hit college town's of interest?
Fantastic farm thrills!
Brave a winter snow!
Sunny foreclosure on sale: Only $21,100!
Man trap for sexy retiree without partner!
Live in apartment for $2 thousand!

nedesto with:
Top Ten Films That Predicted The Future

10. The Truman Show
9. Blade Runner
8. 2001: A Space Odyssey
7. Videodrome
6. A Clockwork Orange
5. Children Of Men
4. RoboCop
3. Forbidden Planet
2. Minority Report
1. Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind

=

10. The Carrey Network
9. Shrewd Hybrids Plot
8. Demented Mastermind HAL
7. Odd Cronenberg Fetish
6. "A bit of the old ultra-violence."
5. On Underpopulation
4. Police Contraption
3. Rockets and Monsters
2. Future Offenses
1. 1200 Happy Memories!

Rosie Perera with:
"There are now more state-sanctioned marijuana dispensaries than Starbucks in Colorado and there are well over 100,000 people on the medical marijuana registry."
=
Smart people who love to smoke weed: enjoy a rare car ride drama, a sojourn in the radiant "Mile High" state, since entire area's under cannabis plantocrats' rule!

Adie Pena with:
TOP TEN RECESSION-PROOF INDUSTRIES*

1. Fast Food
2. Movies
3. Candy, Gum, and Snack Food
4. Energy
5. Freelance/Temp Work
6. Discount Chain Stores
7. Repossession
8. Repair
9. Tattoo Artists
10. Restoration

=

1. Fat persons favored
2. Motion pictures
3. Sorry, no appetite!
4. Gas
5. Interim scenarios
6. I need cheap goods!
7. I want your second car!
8. Sinks, roofs, doors, toasters, etc.
9. One skin treatment?
10. Old stuff

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

nedesto with:
1. Captain, Commodore, ___. (4,7)
7. Good location to wilt plant. (3,6)
12. Capital providers. (8,5)
13. Disencumber; unlatch.
14. Coming apart at the seams?
15. Gordon Sumner.
16. Indian garb.
17. A lanthanide.
19. Mural. (4,8)
21. A little bit like a quince but tarter.
23. Reek.
25. Top 'Cars' hit. (4,2)
27. "And now... ___!" (3,3,4,6,5)
29. Indulges.
31. Little Annie was an ___.
32. Tall ship.
35. Spies. (6,6)
37. He clung to hope.
40. Seven and one.
41. Monkeyshine.
42. Plebian bumblers. (3,6)
44. Usurping.
45. The whimsical author. (7,6)
46. Puts: "No."
47. Beggarly; wretched. (5-6)
=
1. Raw butt cut. (4,5)
2. He made a scene?
3. Detest.
4. City slicker. (3-5-4)
5. Notch.
6. Ditch digging, e.g. (9,12)
7. He said, "___!" (2,5)
8. Stripling. (5,3)
9. An occurrence happens.
10. It's annotated in an octave. (8,5)
11. An aspirant will gallop to the thing. (7,4)
18. Put in bum bag.
20. Stableman.
22. Ironworkers.
24. Unite as one.
26. Allusively.
27. "And look here!" (2,3,6)
28. Plump bird ragout.
30. "... his mother called him ___!" (4,5)
33. Had lice?
34. An uneloquent, banal, pompous oration.
36. Inters.
38. Intimated.
39. Small man.
43. Popular web browser.

2nd - Mike Keith with:

When first the gods lie mounted on a tray
To play of idle art when summer's nigh.
The rules of his mind's order went astray
Because men rose at once with plans so high.

So on this earth the languid dream-pace flows:
A countryside, the blue romantic sea,
The god finance rebuilt, a prey that slows;
These hold the tired mountains earnestly.

To hasten faith, while printed authors leer,
Where farming thousands low resentment bore
Do paper hearts that win soon gladly sear?
The watchful starling toodles "Nevermore".

Tend to a torch as round-pitched tables hum
Let gather Fates; the icon moon sets dumb.

=

We find that soon the melodies turn gray
Our flesh an empty mold, a winter sigh.
She renders ransom first without delay
When each soon-passing truth becomes a lie.

What laid among the fields our parents chose:
A mist at noon, a cheesy cultured Brie,
The bending pile a faulty horse-cart tows;
These too shall run and meet their destiny.

With haunted hope, if lethal traitors sneer
While wrongs at men returned, as months before
Shall steady wind not propagate or shear?
The term's wrong value told the final score.

So spot that old authentic hardened crumb
The tombstone flat, the caged sensorium.

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:

To My Mother

Because I feel that, in the Heavens above,
The angels, whispering to one another,
Can find, among their burning terms of love,
None so devotional as that of “Mother,”
Therefore by that dear name I long have called you—
You who are more than mother unto me,
And fill my heart of hearts, where Death installed you,
In setting my Virginia’s spirit free.
My mother—my own mother, who died early,
Was but the mother of myself; but you
Are mother to the one I loved so dearly,
And thus are dearer than the mother I knew
By that infinity with which my wife
Was dearer to my soul than its soul-life.

=

The Lady's Time in May

May weather often summoned memories
Of boyhood rainbows and of foolish youth;
The wealth that Nature lavished on her trees
Has made me fathom a refreshing truth -
Each of these light vignettes that come to mind
Remains a tribute to your image, Mother:
So natural with babies, so refined,
Devoted to a newborn like no other.
And when we reach the end of everything,
Your name may live forever in this earth,
Portrayed within the precious lines that sing
Of all that you have done for me from birth.
Eternally, the rhyme will show anew
My unrelenting loyalty to you.

Tony Crafter with:
After getting all Pope Benedict's baggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the chauffeur realised that the Pope was still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' said the driver, 'but would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' said His Holiness, 'they never used to let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I would really love to drive today...'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I really cannot let you do that. I would lose my job! And what if something should happen to you?' said the driver, wishing he'd never got up for work that morning.

'And who's going to tell?' said the Pope with a benign smile.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back of the car and the Pope climbed in behind the wheel. The driver quickly realised the error of his decision when, after leaving the airport, the Pope then floored it, accelerating to 205 km/h.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal until they heard sirens.

'Dear God, I'm going to lose my license and my job!' wailed the harassed driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the cop approached, but the young officer took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on his radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he said to the dispatcher.

The Chief came on the radio set and the cop told his boss that he'd stopped a limo that was doing 205 km per hour.

'So bust him,' said the Chief.

'I don't think we'd want to do that boss, this person's really important,' said the policeman.

'All the more reason!' asserted the Chief

'No, I mean he's really, really important,' said the cop with a bit more persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, boy - the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Wow,' said the Chief, 'who on earth is it?'

Cop: 'I think it may be God!'

The Chief was even more baffled and curious. 'What makes you think it may be God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

=

The chicken-farm chief Frank Perdue went to meet the Pope for an audience. Whilst receiving the papal blessing, he whispered to the Pope, "Your Eminence, do I have a deal for you! If you'll change the words to The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' I promise we'll donate half-a-million dollars to the Catholic Church!"

The Pope replied, "That is most generous, but it's impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and cannot be changed. The matter is not negotiable".

"Ok," replied Frank, "I appreciate your position, so I'm prepared to donate one million dollars to the Catholic Church if you'll change the words to The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...'"

Once more, the Pope replied, "That is most benevolent. However, The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and must not be changed".

"Come on, Your Eminence, I bet it's quite tempting, eh?" chuckled Frank. "Ok - how about a billion! You've got to admit, that is some bid! It's the highest I can go."

The Pope shook his head. "Do I have to keep repeating it? The matter is not negotiable. I'm not tempted by your heathen money. Keep it! The Faith is pure and good and shall withstand the highest temptation."

Frank's jaw dropped. "Heathen? We're not heathens! he protested. "Ok - to prove it, we will donate five billion dollars if you'll change the words to the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread...' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...' That's as high as we will go. I'll await your decision." With that, he bowed and withdrew from the chamber.

The next day the Pope met with the College of Cardinals. "I have some good news and some bad news," he told the 205 legislative Cardinals. "The good news is that the Church has just been donated five billion dollars ..."

There was a collective gasp from the 205 Cardinals. "Then, what is the bad news?" one of them asked.

The bad news," replied the Pope, "is that we're losing The Wonderbread Account."

Tony Crafter with:
THE 10 BEST FIRST LINES IN FICTION.
(As adjudged by The Guardian national newspaper).

1. "Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed." (Ulysses)

2. "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." (Pride and Prejudice)

3. "There was no possibility of taking a walk that day." (Jayne Eyre)

4. "You don't know about me, without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, but that ain't no matter. That book was made by a Mr Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly." (The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)

5. "Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty, hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to talk French." (The Luck of the Bodkins)

6. "It was the afternoon of my eighty-first birthday, and I was in bed with my catamite when Ali announced that the archbishop had come to see me." (Earthly Powers)

7. "I write this sitting in the kitchen sink."
(I Capture The Castle)

8. "It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the Rosenbergs, and I didn't know what I was doing in New York." (The Bell Jar)

9. "The snow in the mountains was melting and Bunny had been dead for several weeks before we came to understand the gravity of our situation." (The Secret History)

10. "Squire Trelawney, Dr Livesey, and the rest of these gentlemen having asked me to write down the whole particulars about Treasure Island, from the beginning to the end, keeping nothing back but the bearings of the island, and that only because there is still treasure not yet lifted, I take up my pen in the year of grace 17-- and go back to the time when my father kept the Admiral Benbow inn and the brown old seaman with the sabre cut first took up his lodging under our roof." (Treasure Island)

=

1. James Joyce kicks off with what's reckoned to be the best third-person beginning ever. Hmm... can't see it myself.

2. Start of an archetypal Jane Austen tale. A line that everyone knows, misquotes and misremembers.

3. Charlotte Bronte's low-key beginning manages to capture the young heroine's outlook on life in ten desolate words.

4. An opener by Mark Twain that has influenced many an author, not least Salinger in 'The Catcher in the Rye'. Quote: "If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like."

5. A witty P. G. Wodehouse opener, crafted to deliver a joke in the final part. Contrast it with the haunting brevity of Daphne du Maurier in 'Rebecca' (also part-situated in the South of France): 'Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again'. And why isn't that gem ranked in your famed ten, Guardian?

6. Reckoned to be the ace of 'show-off, first-person openers', and intended by author Anthony Burgess to 'awaken and challenge the reader'. Yeah, whatever.

7. The quirky start of a tale by Dodie Smith, who wrote 'The Hundred and One Dalmatians', which, unlike the title book, I had actually heard of.

8. Famed American Sylvia Plath engages in post-war zeitgeist and Yank-angst. The author, alas, committed suicide (maybe because she married Ted Hughes).

9. In a spooky snuff-drama by Donna Tartt the reader is immediately plunged into the middle of a fatal crime, the effects of which reverberate throughout the ensuing drama. Tartt also wrote 'The Little Friend', which I haven't heard of either.

10. The beginning of a swashbuckling pirate yarn by Robert Louis Stevenson, and reckoned to be amongst the best in English history. Huh? What about Dickens? What about: 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...'? Shunned!

I can think of 1710 words of my own to sum up these woeful rankings, but I'll start with three: 'Bunkum, bunkum, bunkum'.

Adie Pena with:
[Had to repeat the source text to make anagram checker work]
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
1 A D M I T S
2 D E A D E N
3 S E R E N E
4 O P I A T E
5 R E N T E R
6 B R E E D S

1 See I'm in!
2 Er, beer?
3 Sedated
4 Doped!
5 Tenant
6 Rears

=
[Had to repeat the source text to make anagram checker work]
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
1 A D M I T S
2 D E A D E N
3 S E R E N E
4 O P I A T E
5 R E N T E R
6 B R E E D S

1 Retain
2 Intense
3 Sea bed
4 Do dream
5 Tepeed
6 Errs

Scott Gardner with:

Square =
Square

Adie Pena with:
WHITE SQUARES OR BLACK
by Arnie Gatton

White squares or black,
Bishops or knights...
You better get ready
To put up a fight.

I might open with the English,
I might open with the French,
But nothing you do
Will break my defense.

My pieces will surround your King,
And then you'll know it's just too late,
For the next word out of my mouth
Will be the word "Checkmate."

=

BLACK OR WHITE

When most hollow people thumbed down
Michael Jackson's thumping song with sexual thoughts...
"And I told about equality and it's true
Either you're wrong or you're right."

Why tempt ten plus two KKK effigies?
Switch on the 'panther' sequences Liberty's Lady bought...
"If you're thinking of being my Brother
It don't matter if you're black or white."

Dharam Khalsa with:
JUNE
by Nicholas Gordon

June is promise bent on a reward,
Unsparing in his self-inflicted vow,
Not knowing that the golden time is now,
Ever the bright dream he struggles toward.
=
Prompt the bright color in June,
That time of weddings and roses,
With larks warbling in tune,
And scent reviving our noses.
By the light of a June moon,
We're wielding garden hoses!

The Anagrammy Awards

MAY 2012 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY