Complete list of nominations for September, 2012

SEPTEMBER 2012 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2012

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
Claude Monet: The Houses of Parliament at Sunset =
Thames shade seen in soft Autumn colour palette

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A seventies tribute band ~
revisited ten Abba tunes!

3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Paralympic Games in London =
One arm, leg? ... Simply not handicap!

Tony Crafter with:
Hansel and Gretel =
A legend enthrals!

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Spratt's wife had ~
"fat" stewardship.

View with:
'The Exorcist' =
Exit cost her

Shane with:
Gollum, a character in The Lord of the Rings =
Smeagol clutched the ring in fatal horror.

Christopher Sturdy with:
And now for something completely different ~
e.g. new random Python section from left field.

Rosie Perera with:
The White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland =
Harried hare in fable; it went to climb down.

Adie Pena with:
Les Trois Mousquetaires =
Male trio's serious quest.

Meyran Kraus with:
An Adele song =
One sad angel.

nedesto with:
Where the Wild Things Are ā€“ Maurice Sendak =
True childish nightmares were awakened.

Shane with:
Trekkies ~
see T. Kirk!

naturegirl with:
The Ministry of Women in the Early Church =
Nice, fun witch at helm. I honor Her mystery.

Rosie Perera with:
The Ministry of Women in the Early Church =
Why, motherly feminine touch near Christ.

Paul Lusch with:
'Modern Family' =
my random life

Dharam Khalsa with:
Television show "The Big Bang Theory" =
Oh, view those inelegant bright boys!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Director Ang Lee's new film "The Life of Pi" =
To face remote peril, while finding self.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The pictures of duchess Kate Middleton =
Did France disclose them to upset the UK?

2nd - nedesto with:
Closer nude shots =
Those scoundrels!

eq3rd - Ellie Dent with:
Italy procures ~
royal pictures.

eq3rd - View with:
The anti-Islam film protests =
Faith still seems important

View with:
Iran Commander ā€˜Welcomes' Possible Israeli Strike =
I promise, we'll assail enemies back in record storm.

nedesto with:
Syria: The ~
hysteria!

Scott Gardner with:
The tropical storm Isaac =
It's more catastrophical!

Meyran Kraus with:
Star Michael Clarke Duncan dies =
Cardiac curse kills a man. The end. :(

nedesto with:
McDonalds Corp will open vegetarian stores in India =
Providing a million sacred cow sate dinner plates? No!

Rosie Perera with:
President Obama accepts nomination ~
as Democrats appoint nice man to be in.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Democratic National Convention =
To convince a mind on later action.

View with:
Democratic National Convention =
Told to convince American nation

Dharam Khalsa with:
If Romney beats Obama =
As for me, Manitoba. Bye!

Rosie Perera with:
Bank of America employee fired for mooning boss =
Bare skin means no more office for me. Apology bid?

Rosie Perera with:
A September Eleventh Museum at Ground Zero in NYC =
Men sculptured the memory zone: US bet "Never again!"

Adie Pena with:
The September Eleven Anniversary =
Let's revere these brave men in NY, PA.

Rosie Perera with:
Ryanair CEO Calls His Customers ā€˜Idiots' =
Airline head's a most cross, lousy critic.

Adie Pena with:
"Innocence of Muslims" =
Scum films no one nice.

Rosie Perera with:
The "Innocence of Muslims" filmmaker Sam Bacile =
In time, mob'll screech: "Cinema makes fun of Islam!"

Paul Lusch with:
Economic stagnation =
Scant income gain, too

Rosie Perera with:
The Grand Old Party =
Graph trend today: L

Rosie Perera with:
Amish leader convicted in beard attacks =
Bad hair cleaver intended a most sick act.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Vote Romney =
Overt money.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Mitt Romney wants airplane windows to roll down =
Man starts meltdown--'Onion' will now write parody.

Tony Crafter with:
President Obama says, 'We will not let Iran go nuclear.' =
'We'll bayonet rogue Islamic nation's desert-war plan!'

Tony Crafter with:
The singer Andy Williams has died of bladder cancer =
An adored star's life harshly ended. 'Big C' claimed win.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The group Spice Girls in their good old days:
- Sporty
- Posh
- Baby
- Scary
- Ginger
=
The Spice Girls today:
- Sloppy
- Bony
- Pre-Geriatric
- A Gross Body
- High On Drugs.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
When I was nineteen, I had long fair hair, took acid and went to hip joints.
=
"Now to this!" I whine: "I long for hair, take antacids and need a new hip-joint!"

3rd - nedesto with:
1. General
2. Entertainment
3. Topical
4. People's Names
5. Other Names
6. Anagrammy Challenge
7. Medium
8. Long
9. Special
10. Rude
11.Unspecified
=
1. All Else
2. Artistic
3. Recent
4. Nom de Plume
5. Place; Thing, e.g.
6. Fine Game
7. Hilarity Appeals
8. (same)
9. Poem Guru
10. Men Need Manners
11. No Can Do

Tony Crafter with:
"That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." =
A 'final plan' spoken at moment of Neil Armstrong's death?

Christopher Sturdy with:
Girl scores crucial goal after being plucked out of crowd to play for Scotland
=
God! Cry foul. A low-standard erroring SFA call public to get out of soccer pickle.

Dharam Khalsa with:
McDonald's Plans First Vegetarian Restaurants in India =
Parasitic digestive illness and runs from tart and naan.

Maurice Goddard with:
Continuous fresh piles of malodorous steaming wet horse dung ~
once soiled our towns in fuming odorous heaps! Huge farts smelt!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Two cartons of yogurt walked into the bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, told them, "We do not serve your kind in here!"
~
One of the yogurt twosome, the British-voiced carton of Breakstone, regarded the attendant, "Why not, bloke? We are cultured!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Memorial for the eleventh anniversary of nine-eleven =
Men mention every fallen hero in heaven for relatives.

Paul Lusch with:
the American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers =
Creates hope, royalties, pension from music broadcasts, huh?

Maurice Goddard with:
Embassies of U.S. and Allies Under Siege in Muslim World =
Wild mob's foul senseless delirium is a mad insane urge!

Adie Pena with:
THE THREE MOST VALUABLE METALS *
1. Rhodium
2. Platinum
3. Gold
=
1. Ultra-tough
2. Premium
3. All men, both sides, love that medal!

nedesto with:
Top 4 Greatest Britons:
1. Churchill
2. Brunel
3. Diana
4. Darwin
=
1. Stubborn? Christ!
2. Rural Rail
3. Candle In The Wind
4. Got Ape?

Ellie Dent with:
Number of bizarre items in a woman's bathroom: three hundred and sixty two. A chap would be hard pushed to identify most of 'em.
=
Under six different items may end up in a bath/wet room of a man/hubby: his toothbrush, razor (mended), with cream, soap, odd towel.

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"There are some things that are so serious you have to laugh at them." - Niels Bohr, Danish physicist.
=
Islam is never hilarious, though. One cheap shot at their history, and there goes that US embassy.

2nd - nedesto with:
"There are some things that are so serious you have to laugh at them." - Niels Bohr, Danish physicist.
=
On the other hand, every past U.S. election gig seems so hilarious (bah ha ha!) that I shit my trousers.

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
"There are some things that are so serious you have to laugh at them." - Niels Bohr, Danish physicist.=
So, I bet Santa can laugh at poverty, hunger, distress, traumas, misery, hostilities. Ho, ho, ho! He, he, he!

Dharam Khalsa with:
I smile, as the author's top data highlights are so humorous that everyone has been in hysterics!

David Bourke with:
This here spotty Eton bossy thug Dave Cameron...he's a statesman, right? Hilarious. HILARIOUS! (He he!)

Tony Crafter with:
Hello? An atom-scientist gives his superior thoughts on bad traumas, eh...?

Yeah... they are horseshit.

Meyran Kraus with:
Here's a short bit that has harsh themes:

"It's HIV."
"I must get a second opinion here!"
"You are also ugly."

Maurice Goddard with:
"Ah! As seeing Mitt Romney's rich behaviour? The truth is, he's a useless Latter-day GOP Saint. Ho ho ho!!!"

Larry Brash with:
Religion, as usual, comes straight to mind. History too. There's hashish abuse, then have therapy.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Thoroughly inhuman behaviour distresses.
A stoic has hysteria to help to ease the nightmares.

David Bourke with:
Note: The holy, the Amish, haemorrhoids, George Bush...even psychiatrists in south-east Australia.

Maurice Goddard with:
"Hey! The vilest anagrams by that rude genius chap Rothstein are so, SO hilarious, his themes hoot!!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Irish say "Laughter is the best medicine", though others (the most harsh Europeans) say "To no avail!"

Maurice Goddard with:
Mirror those hideous heavy obese arses that can't get in plane seats! Hit's a highly humorous hit!

Adie Pena with:
That vague assertion or statement he has hypothesised is such a hilariously Bohr-ing theorem!

Rosie Perera with:
"Some anagrams are so hilarious that our devotees' instinct is to gutsily type 'Heh, heh, heh!'" - Brash

Rosie Perera with:
High-voice guy sasses, "Internet idiom is: Roll prostrate on the substratum to say 'Ha ha ha! He he he!'"

Dharam Khalsa with:
I heighten the hysteria (or misery):

Overshoot the chair
Miss a buttonhole

and the usual...

Pass gas!

Christopher Sturdy with:
See too His Royal Highness, Prince Harry, the Las Vegas antihero has his butt out to amuse the dim.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Ah," she shrugs, "These are hilarious: The Three Stooges' vicious habits and Monty Python material!"

Paul Lusch with:
Sober yet hilarious items: this Northeast heat, aging parents, household chaos, my heavier tush.

Maurice Goddard with:
The VIP, His Holiness,
Got a dressy camauro hat.
Sheer holier-than-thou,
Bit amusing eyesore's that!

Ellie Dent with:
Hitler's depravity. Yet he has a toothbrush mustache, so I sense is also guaranteeing mirth. Ho-ho.

Rosie Perera with:
In the harsh society here, I laugh at heresy (it's riotous tosh). As long as it's never at Mohamed (PBUH).

View with:
G. Bush - ha!
Poor utilities - he!
Randy Internet users - ha!
Them sassy vicars - ha!
Theologies, them too - ha!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Hiroshima; Holocaust; Hitler; Abortions; Syria - heavy themes standups use to generate the highs

Dharam Khalsa with:
To Romney's elite tactlessness (Huh?),
The Obamas' hip grooviness (Uh-huh!),
I get irritated, or say "Ha-ha!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
This youth is in a game bar topless, tush out. Oh heavens, it's Harry the Heir -- see his damage control!

Adie Pena with:
Oh my! Their royal tits and ass photos in the tabs or the mags is such a huge hilarious event here!

Robert Jordan with:
A tetchier minister's heated rant; oh some thoroughly ghastly, apish behaviour astonishes us

Dharam Khalsa with:
Mitt - he's not gregarious;
Harsh, and yet oblivious;
Chaps he meets
On the street
Say, "Hah, hilarious!"

Richard Brodie with:
Ha! this is viable: these, the north country hosts, they are ours; no hostile sieges - Muamar Gadaphi

THE LONG CATEGORY

eq1st - Ellie with:
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman, two men from Wales, a Latvian, a Turk, an Indian,
an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian bushman, an Egyptian, a Slovak, German, Moroccan, New Zealander, Spaniard, Russian, Guatemalan, Colombian, three Pakistanis, a Croatian, Cypriot, Pole, Lithuanian, umpteen Chinese, a Sri Lankan, three Lebanese, one Cayman Islander, two Vietnamese, a North Korean, Uruguayan, Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, Honduran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, an Estonian, a Syrian, fourteen or so Portuguese fishermen, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, one Hungarian, a Canadian, three Haitians, two Bolivians, three Serbs, a Belgian

~

seven Japanese seamen, an Amazonian, a Romanian, an Asian, an Inuit, a Macedonian missionary, a Cook Island surfer, a Samoan, an Armenian, a burly Zulu, a Greenlander, a Virgin Islander, an Alaskan teacher, a huge Tongan, a Cambodian, a Lapp, a Romanian farmer, thirteen Chilean heroes, a Ukrainian, a Dutch lecturer, even a Costa Rican dancer, a Swede, three Sicilian thespians, a penniless Greek salesman, an Italian newsman, an Albanian on honeymoon, a Norwegian seaman and an African walk into an expensive hotel bar.

After scrutinizing the group, the barman then announces: 'Listen, I am sorry, gentlemen, but I have got rules. I cannot let you in without a Thai.'

eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
A woman goes into a fishing shop to buy a rod and reel for her son's birthday.

She doesn't know what to get, so she just picks one and goes to the counter, where a salesman is standing, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Can you tell me anything about this rod?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you what you want to know from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it down anyway.

He says, "That is a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb line. It's a good all-round combination, and it's actually on sale this week at Ā£42.00."

She says, "Amazing! You can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter? I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Hey, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, a rogue fart slips out.

At first she is very embarrassed, but then realises there is no way the blind salesman would know exactly who'd farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That will be Ā£58.50."

The woman is totally confused by this and says, "Didn't you say it was on sale for Ā£42.00? How did you get Ā£58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is Ā£14.00, and the Fish Bait is Ā£2.50."

=

Irish tourists Paddy and Murphy are walking down London's Carnaby Street when they see a notice in a shop window stating:

'Suits Ā£15.00, shirts Ā£2.40, trousers Ā£2.80.'

Paddy says, "Hell, would ya just look at dat now, Murphy! We could buy lots and lots of dis English gear, and when we get back to Ireland we could offload it at a massive profit and make ourselves a feckin' fortune!"

"To be sure!" exclaims Murphy, "We could be real business typhoons so we could!"

"Ok, so here's what we'll do," says Paddy. "When we go into da shop don't say anythin' at all, just let me do all da talkin', because if the ladies and fellers there hear you babblin' away in that Irish accent they might not serve us, so oi'll talk to them in me best snobby English accent."

They both go into the shop and, in his finest English accent, Paddy says to the shop assistant, "Good afternoon, old bean. I'd like to order 50 suits at Ā£15.00, 150 shirts at Ā£2.40 and 50 pairs of trousers at Ā£2.80, if you'd be kind enough to arrange that. Thank you so much."

The assistant hesitates for a moment, then says, "Er, are you Irish, sir?"

"Ah begorra... that oi am, lad!" exclaims the puzzled Paddy. "Now, how the hell did ya know that?"

"Because," says the man, "this is a dry cleaners..."

3rd - nedesto with:
Two nuns from Norway had just gotten off the Staten Island Ferry and one nun said to the other, "I heard that Americans eat dogs."

"My, how odd!" her companion replied. "But if we shall live here, we might as well do as the Americans."

"Quite" nodded the mother superior wisely, noticing a hot dog vendor nearby. They walked to the cart. "Two dogs, if you please, sir," she said.

The vendor smiled obligingly, placing the hot dogs into foil as he handed them over the counter.

Excitedly, the nuns hurried to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior stared at it a while and began to blush meekly. Then, whispering cautiously, she said, "What partā€¦ did you getā€¦?"

=

A happy older couple, both widowed, had been going out a long time. Urged on by friends to get married, they decided that it was high time to do so.

Before the nuptials, they went out to dinner and had a conversation regarding how marriage should work, discussing money decisions, living arrangements, and such.

Finally, the old man thought that this was the time he ought to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he turned and asked, rather tentatively.

"I would prefer it infrequently" she replied shyly.

The man sat a moment, cleaned his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

Adie Pena with:
A seedy buffoon takes an election swipe at the reserved Obama with this money-worthy birtherism crock then denies the retort: ~
"No one's ever asked to see my birth certificate. They know that this is the place where both of us were born and raised." [Mitt Romney]

Rosie Perera with:
"Real Enemies: Conspiracy Theories in American Democracy" by Kathryn Olmsted, about anti-government conspiracy theories
=
Many yahoos (berserk "patriot" cynics, men in combat armor, guns in arms, ready to shoot) cry "Epic lie! The CIA created Nine Eleven!"

Adie Pena with:
ZODIAC SIGNS AND STONES
1. Aquarius: Garnet
2. Pisces: Amethyst
3. Aries: Bloodstone
4. Taurus: Sapphire
5. Gemini: Agate
6. Cancer: Emerald
7. Leo: Onyx
8. Virgo: Carnelian
9. Libra: Peridot
10. Scorpio: Beryl
11. Sagittarius: Topaz
12. Capricorn: Ruby
=
1. Copious Almandine
2. A Violet Quartz
3. Incorporating Gory Red Spots
4. Appears Blue
5. A Brazilian Subtype
6. Our Ladies' Green
7. Chalcedony Strips
8. Maroon Mosaic
9. A Grassy Green
10. Exhibits Sea Tincts
11. Auric Orange
12. Artistic Red

Rosie Perera with:
"When the people fear the government, there is tyranny. When the government fears the people, there is liberty." (Thomas Jefferson)
=
When the gentle forty-seven % hear news that preener Romney might prosper in offense over Obama, then they feel the jitters. "Help!"

Christopher Sturdy with:
"Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday."
=
The future is a curiosity.
Not yet written, it's nevertheless steeped in history.
Don't fall for past errors.
Avoiding them is a fight worth winning.
Some men accomplish it and made improvement.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Tongs
Whisk
Grater
Spatula
Can opener
Mixing spoon
Slotted spoon
Square turner
Flexible turner
Potato masher
Meat tenderizer
Wheel for pizza
Ice cream scoop
=
The organized set of artistic caterer's kitchenware must seem puzzling or perplexing,
or lost on a man who explores our cabinet on a quest for more salt and pepper!

Meyran Kraus with:

President Obama's top accomplishments during his first term in the White House:

1. Had Osama bin Laden assassinated
2. Freed American hostages
3. Started the 'Obamacare' reform and fixed the preexisting-conditions travesty in health insurance
4. Finally ended the war in Iraq
5. Repealed the 'Don't Ask, Don't tell' policy
6. Rescued the auto industry from certain death
7. Saved the entire world from a financial Armageddon and got all of his bailout money back with interest
8. Appointed two pro-choice women to the Supreme Court
9. Passed the Hate Crimes bill
10. Advanced women's rights in the workplace
11. Overhauled the credit card industry
12. Quit smoking and invested in clean energy
13. Supported the states' rights on medical marijuana.

=

These same accomplishments, as interpreted by the GOP (and FOX News):

1. Orchestrated a highly dangerous operation on a whim just to evacuate an Arab tenant from an old hovel
2. Had many armed men dispatched to scare tourists in Somalia
3. Helped perverts with VD with free trips to the clinic
4. Quit that critical oil raid mission because the sand was hot
5. Started that epidemic of "reach-arounds" in the military
6. Kept Chrysler's Dodge alive despite no one asking him
7. Got rich on our expense
8. Declared war on pregnancy and birth and kids
9. Made self-defense illegal
10. Did squat for the men in the workplace
11. Learned our IIN numbers
12. Tried to end tobacco farming and the nuclear industry
13. Initiated the new Unites States of Amsterdam.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:

[Last year, during the 10th anniversary of the 9\11 attacks at the newly completed memorial site in NYC, one of the poems recited at the ceremony was "Turn Again To Life". Below is a poetic anagram of it inspired by a Biblical quote; the anagram also contains a visual tribute.]

Turn Again To Life, written by Mary Lee Hall

If I should die and leave you here a while,
Be not like others, sore undone, who keep
Long vigil by the silent dust, and weep.
For my sake - turn again to life and smile,
Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do
Something to comfort other hearts than thine.
Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine
And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.

=

No vehemence may bug me once I'd look
In one key omen in a holy book:
"Here, in the fray, the rise of my fair men
Upon that day may toughen David's den."
It's why I won't recede - I will not break,
But, still reluctant, shall repel one ache -
The firestorm and the despair it left -
To purge the grieving of its damning heft.
Shine, fallen ones that Armageddon's roar
Undid in hours 'neath the walls it tore.

[For the 11th anniversary of 9\11, the anagram contains a visualization of the Twin Towers - and the number 11 - if one highlights the Biblical quote that inspired it, "In that day I will restore the fallen house of David. I will repair its damaged walls":]

No vehemence may bug me once I'd look
In one key omen in a holy book:
"Here, in the fray, the rise of my fair men
Upon that day may toughen David's den."
It's why I won't recede - I will not break,
But, still reluctant, shall repel one ache -
The firestorm and the despair it left -
To purge the grieving of its damning heft.
Shine, fallen ones that Armageddon's roar
Undid in hours 'neath the walls it tore.

[The quote is from Amos 9:11, a passage named "A Promise of Restoration".]

2nd - nedesto with:
Crossword

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
When I was 15, I thought my parents knew nothing. When I was 20, I was amazed at how much they'd learned in 5 years.
*

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
*

A high-society couple are making love.
SHE: "Darling, do poor people do this?"
HE: "I believe so, my sugar."
SHE: "Far too good for them, don't you think?"
*

Woman talking to friend in a supermarket. "I thought I'd lost 250lb of ugly fat. Then Barney came home again."
*

"I've been asked to get married hundreds and hundreds of times," she pouted.
"By whom?"
"My mum and dad."
*

There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
*

Two husbands are leaning on the bar: "Did you give your wife that lecture on economizing, like I said?"
"I certainly did."
"And what is the result?"
"I've got to give up smoking."
*

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you are reincarnated, but come back as a different creature. She said she'd quite like to come back as a cow. I said, "Oh, dear, you obviously haven't been listening."
*

Funny that a wife can spot a blonde hair on her husband's coat yet miss the garage doors.
*

The wife was so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find any unfamiliar hairs on his jacket, she screamed, "God, Larry! Only you would cheat on me with a bald woman!"
*

GRAFFITI:
Written on a wall in a ladies' restroom: ā€˜My husband stalks me everywhere I go.' Written underneath it: ā€˜No. I don't.'

Written in a men's toilet: ā€˜Don't forget, no matter how good she looks, there's usually some other guy somewhere who's sick and tired of all her shit'.

Written over a mirror in a men's toilet: ā€˜No wonder you always go home alone.'

Written over a mirror in a ladies' toilet: ā€˜You're too good for him.'

Written in a ladies' toilet: 'If it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it'.
~
Written over a urinal: 'Express lane - 5 beers or less'.

Written on a toilet wall: ā€˜I like grils.' Underneath, somebody had written, ā€˜You mean girls, bonehead.' Under that some wag had written, ā€˜So, what's the matter with us grils?'

'God is dead' - Nietzsche
'Nietzsche is dead' - God.

'Make the small things count. Teach midgets maths'.
*

A patient with a sore throat goes to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor says, "I'm afraid those tonsils will have to come out."
"Hooey! I want a second opinion," huffs the man.
"Ok," says the doctor, "you're bloody ugly too."
*

"When are you going to dig the garden?" she asked.
"I'm thinking about it."
"You mean you're turning it over in your mind?"
*

"Wow! How long have you been wearing that corset, Wes?"
"Ever since my wife found it in the car."
*

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She threw the dice and landed on Science. The question was, 'If you were in a vacuum and somebody called your name, would you be able to hear them?' She thought for a moment and then said, 'Is it on or off?'
*

An Irishman went into a bakers and said, "How much are da cream cakes?"
"Two for one euro," replied the baker.
"Ah, right, and how much for one?"
"Seventy-five cents," said the baker.
"Roight ā€¦ oi'll have the other one then."
*

There was a knock on my door this morning.
I opened it to find a gawky young man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm Toby, a Jehovah's Witness."
I said "Hi, come in Toby. Sit down!"
I offered him a coffee and said, "Ok, what do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Buggered if I know, I never got this far before."
*

What does a blonde say while making love?
"Do you all play for the same team?"
*

I went to a bar with my girlfriend last night. The local goofs were raucously shouting "Paedophile!" and other awful names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23 and I am 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
*

Tony Crafter with:
THE REDNECK POEM
Susie Lee Done Fell In Love

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
And she told her Pappy so.
But Pappy he said, "Susie, gal,
You'll have to find another
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother."

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still ...
You cannot marry Will, my gal
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother."

But Mamma knew and said to her,
"Chile, do what makes ya happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to Pappy."

=

RURAL RIVAL
Al 'Banjo' North vs. Frank Furter

I heard tell some hillbilly boy
Played super-mean banjo,
They said, "He's just the tops!" but I
Snapped, "Sorry; that ain't so,
'Cos I'm the greatest of 'em all,
An' not this country Joe!"
Then I went off to show my rival
How to play banjo.

I found him lollin' up a tree,
(His ma lolled up there too),
A banjo propped up on his knee,
So I proposed a duel.

We played a duel on 'Yankee Doodle',
An' 'Old Yeller' too.
His ma yelled, "Hell, ya both strums well!"
I gasped, "Wow, ma'am, aren't you
That vamp I picked-up in a bar
When drunkenly I kissed ya?"
She answered, "Yep... you're my lad's pa,
An' I'm yo' long-lost sister!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Nursery Rhyme

Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
And so between them both, you see,
They licked the platter clean.
=
She enjoyed rich coffeecake;
Her mate swallowed up the mutton;
Yet, they neatly struck a balance,
And repositioned all her buttons.

Ellie Dent with:
DEFINITIONS: from a unique, or a highly female perspective.

AIRHEAD - What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a police officer.

ARGUMENT - A discussion that occurs when you are right. He just hasn't realized it yet.

BANGS - A fringe of hair hanging from the top of your face. A reminder of how much you liked that ordinary,
old hairstyle, or the one you will have, once the damn bangs actually grow out. They come in four lengths:
short, long, awkward, and a constant irritant in the eyes.

BARBECUE - You bought the groceries, washed lettuce, chopped tomatoes, diced onions, marinated some meat and
cleaned everything up, but curiously he 'made dinner' himself .

BLONDE JOKES - Jokes that are very, very short so that a man can understand them.

CANTALOUPE - Got to get married in Church.

CLOTHES DRYER - An appliance designed to eat socks.

DIET SODA - A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of chocolate-coated peanuts.

ETERNITY - The last two minutes of a football game.

EXERCISE - To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

GROCERY LIST - What you spend thirty minutes writing, but then you forget to take with you.

HAIRDRESSER - Someone who creates a cool new hairstyle, one that you will never, ever
be able to copy.

=

CHILDBIRTH - You get to endure the eighteen to thirty-six consecutive, sleepless hours of contractions. He
just gets to hold your hand and say 'focus... breathe... push...'

CHIN HAIR - A thoroughly unacceptable, follicular growth. Dreaded scourge of the well-groomed. Attracts all
light. The tragic kind of stubbly hair that makes you sweat, wondering whether you've an inherited catfish
gene in your DNA.

HARDWARE STORE - Similar to a black hole in space. If he goes in, he isn't gonna come out any time soon.

LIPSTICK - On your lips, a coloured substance to enhance. If you detect it on his collar, however, the colour
only a debauched tramp would wear.

PARK - Before you have children, a verb meaning, 'to go somewhere to neck.' Today, after kids, a noun, meaning
the best place with safe entertainment - they get swings and a slide.

PATIENCE - The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also 'Tranquillizers.'

THINGY - The common name referring to any part under a car's 'hood.' See 'Bonnet.'

VALENTINE'S DAY - the day you covet love and romance. You dream of a happy day out, a movie, a candlelit meal.
But you are lucky to get a card.

WATERPROOF MASCARA - A complete joke. Always comes off if you weep, swim, or you are in the bathtub. Yet
somehow just won't when you want it to.

Adie Pena with:

A ROYAL FLUSH!
Joe Rosochacki

The ā€˜Assuies' are levying a tax on water output, so called the ā€˜flushing tax',
Some are not flushing as much do reduce their water bill,
Some are going "outside" in their outback, if you will,
In this world wide economic slow down you can't be lax.
Some businesses are getting to point of developing ā€˜waterless toilets',
The composting toilets are great for saving water and money,
They come in a variety of styles and you have much to gain,

With the average household flushing up to 35,000 litres of potable water down the drain each year,
Ecoflo waterless toilets will save you from flushing water and money down the drain.

This is about as good as it gets,
I hope that this will not lead banning of the term flushing,
Because where will the USTA US Open be played?
In Compost Meadows?
That doesn't sound right.

=

A ROYAL BLUSH!

Harry of Wales partied hard, out in Las Vegas;
Off with the idiot's Y-Fronts, to bare his cute white ass.
Unwisely doing a strip billiards shoot-out with convivial fools,
Soon we media devotees, too, were eyeing the family jewels!
Extremely lagered at two, about in un-hallowed halls
On iPhone, going to tag the peewee 3.00 cuestick and balls!

Following was a leggy Kate's topless image, out in Closer/Chi,
Worst of tea times for the British Royal Family!
In a huge private chateau in the South of France,
Now we see a woman, with a telephoto lens, from a 500 distance,
Daring to flash her glamorous naughty exposed bits;
Suggestively exhibiting to a nation her two "commoner" tits!

Old Berlusconi's tainted mag eventually document a sweet Duchess undone;
Rupert Murdoch got the odd-one-out Prince's tush in the scandalous Sun!

Dharam Khalsa with:
My Favorite Things
from The Sound of Music

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;
Brown paper packages tied up with strings -
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels;
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles;
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings -
These are a few of my favorite things.

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes;
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes;
Silver white winters that melt into springs -
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

[Repeat all verses]
=
Silver-Tress Delights

Hospital slippers, bathrobes, needles for knitting;
Walkers, stethoscopes, and new dental fittings;
Soggy "People" magazines tied up with strings -
These are a few of my favorite things.

Hot plasters, towelettes, comfort pads for bunions;
No spicy spaghetti, salt or fat added, meals made with onions;
Cotton sheets, heat pads, the foods they bring -
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, demented brains, with no need for sinning;
Arthritis illness, eyeglasses, silver hair that is thinning;
We won't ever dwell on our own shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When my disc aches,
When my hip breaks,
When my eyes grow dim,
If I'll remember all the swell times I've had,
Then I won't feel so sad.

Christopher Sturdy with:
The posts on our anagram forum
Are nommed so voters can score'em
And the name of this game
Is to bring more of the same -
A great shame if nobody saw 'em
=

Had a vague, rather bothersome notion;
"Members, we're short of promotion."
Message mates, grans and mum
And if they can come,
For ages a mass of emotion.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Beau
by Jimmy Stewart

He never came to me when I would call
Unless I had a tennis ball,
Or he felt like it,
But mostly he didn't come at all.

When he was young
He never learned to heel
Or sit or stay,
He did things his way.

Discipline was not his bag
But when you were with him things sure didn't drag.
He'd dig up a rosebush just to spite me,
And when I'd grab him, he'd turn and bite me.

He bit lots of folks from day to day,
The delivery boy was his favorite prey.
The gas man wouldn't read our meter,
He said we owned a real man-eater.

He set the house on fire
But the story's long to tell.
Suffice it to say that he survived
And the house survived as well.

On the evening walks, and Gloria took him,
He was always first out the door.
The Old One and I brought up the rear
Because our bones were sore.

He would charge up the street with Mom hanging on,
What a beautiful pair they were!
And if it was still light and the tourists were out,
They created a bit of a stir.

But every once in a while, he would stop in his tracks
And with a frown on his face look around.
It was just to make sure that the Old One was there
And would follow him where he was bound.

We are early-to-bedders at our house--
I guess I'm the first to retire.
And as I'd leave the room he'd look at me
And get up from his place by the fire.

He knew where the tennis balls were upstairs,
And I'd give him one for a while.
He would push it under the bed with his nose
And I'd fish it out with a smile.

And before very long
He'd tire of the ball
And be asleep in his corner
In no time at all.

And there were nights when I'd feel him
Climb upon our bed
And lie between us, And I'd pat his head.

And there were nights when I'd feel this stare
And I'd wake up and he'd be sitting there
And I reach out my hand and stroke his hair.
And sometimes I'd feel him sigh
and I think I know the reason why.

He would wake up at night
And he would have this fear
Of the dark, of life, of lots of things,
And he'd be glad to have me near.

And now he's dead.
And there are nights when I think I feel him
Climb upon our bed and lie between us,
And I pat his head.

And there are nights when I think
I feel that stare
And I reach out my hand to stroke his hair,
But he's not there.

Oh, how I wish that wasn't so,
I'll always love a dog named Beau.
=
The Legend of the Rainbow Bridge
(edited...but still mushy)

It is said just between the Earth and Heaven is the divine place known as the Rainbow Bridge.

When the household pet who has been attached to someone here on the Earth dies, he is whisked heavenward toward the Rainbow Bridge, while the bitter devastated human hides out and whines in the shadow of the thief Death.

Hush, have faith. There are the awaited wide meadows, the shaded willows, the wooded forests, the hillsides, with the thousand adventures for our special friends so they can play together with all the other animals.

There is enough food, water and sunshine at the Rainbow Bridge that the pets are warm and comfortable.

All the animals that had died ill or old, weak or withered, are restored in a heartbeat to youthful health and vigor; likewise, all those who were hurt or maimed are made unhurt and whole again, and wide awake, just as we remember them before death, in our dreams of times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, but there's something lacking - someone dear to them, who was left behind. They must be dutiful, waiting for us humans to arrive.

The multitude of kittens and puppies all run, play, and roughhouse together like childhood buddies, but the time comes eventually when an individual animal hesitates and looks off into the distance. His bright eyes twinkle, his ears listen, and his whole healthful body starts to shake with enthusiasm. He begins to run from the group, heading toward his familiar human friend, like a whirlwind over the green meadows, the legs underneath him carrying him faster and faster.

You have been identified. You whistle loud and shout the pet's name, and when you and the special friend are united again, hugs will wreath his neck in joyous reunion, never to be divided again. Your own beautified face will be washed with happy wet whiskered kisses, while you will caress his beloved head with unwrinkled hands, and you will look once more into the wise and trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

And then both of you will walk in bliss and happiness across the Rainbow Bridge together.

THE UNSPECIFIED CATEGORY

View with:
"The World's Ugliest Woman" =
Mutant, eh? Worse! God's will.

Ellie Dent with:
The classy model ~
they called Moss.

The Anagrammy Awards

SEPTEMBER 2012 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY