Complete list of nominations for November, 2012

NOVEMBER 2012 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2012

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Monet's series of Water Lily drawings =
My art is sweet garden flowers, in oils.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
Duo, Paul Frederic Simon and Arthur 'Art' Garfunkel =
A rotund folk-music guru and feral-haired partner!

eq3rd - Ellie Dent with:
'Skyfall', a new Bond movie starring Daniel Craig =
A big film, rivalling a dated Sean Connery's work.

eq3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Shakespearean actor =
Speaks to reach an ear.

Meyran Kraus with:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull =
It's a joke, channeling odd UFO myths and killer ants.

View with:
Peter Pan, boy who never ages =
Observe now happy teenager

nedesto with:
Gordon M. Lightfoot's Canadian Railroad Trilogy =
Saga told of laying iron amid that long corridor.

Ivan Andonov with:
The blues musicians =
Belushi sent us a mic.

Adie Pena with:
Daniel Craig in 'Skyfall' =
Silly, inane flick. A drag!

Adie Pena with:
The sculptor Francois-Auguste-Rene Rodin =
Our artistic focus on the grand "Le Penseur."

Dean Mayer with:
ModNation Racers =
Random creations

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Barack Obama is re-elected =
Back to be America's leader.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
Obama is re-elected =
I see able Democrat.

3rd - nedesto with:
Mitt Romney gets second place =
Democracy settles on pigment.

Ellie Dent with:
New York disaster =
Workers stayed in.

Tony Crafter with:
During the week starting Monday, November Fifth ~
many rated firework-night events might be found!

Richard Brodie with:
Mitt Romney takes on the incumbent, Barack Obama. =
I bet a Mormon can break that anemic monkey's butt.

Rosie Perera with:
Margin of error in the election polls =
All or none. Rich Mitt's feeling poorer.

Rosie Perera with:
Penultimate day of the presidential campaign =
A Democrat feeling happy; a Mitt upset, in denial.

Dean Mayer with:
The USA's Presidential Election candidates =
United States politicians need clear heads

Richard Brodie with:
The American vote is today =
See a Mitt victory on ahead!

View with:
America votes today =
I say, vote a Democrat!

Maurice Goddard with:
President Barack Obama wins second term =
Mitt concedes, as a sad, barren, broken wimp.

Shane with:
President Barack Obama wins the US election =
I now admit Republicans see another setback!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Obama re-elected as President =
A sensible Democrat repeated.

Meyran Kraus with:
Re-election of US president Barack Obama =
A suitable pioneer back for a second term.

Rosie Perera with:
Washington State votes to legalize marijuana =
It guarantees that we also love amazing joints.

Ellie Dent with:
Storms are hitting US =
Tourists' nightmares.

Adie Pena with:
Election Day in November =
Believe in Romney? Can't do!

Tony Crafter with:
And so friends fell ~
on Flanders Fields

Maurice Goddard with:
Earthquake claims lives in northern Myanmar =
One Richter equivalent harm marks many slain

Dean Mayer with:
Collapse of the Comet retail chain =
Cheap home electronics? Total fail

Dharam Khalsa with:
Holly Petraeus is beyond 'furious' =
Helpful derision, 'So, you betray us?!'

Rosie Perera with:
Fiscal cliff negotiations =
Financial logic offsets it.

View with:
The Gaza crisis ~
has tragic size.

View with:
Anti-Morsi protest =
Rioters: "Stop it, man!"

Maurice Goddard with:
Larry Hagman, boyish to the end: An appreciation =
Yeah! A mighty actor and noble person in a hat! RIP

Dean Mayer with:
The Arab/Israeli conflict =
It's banal, facile rhetoric

Rosie Perera with:
New York City murder free day: first time in memory =
We're not terrified of NY crime amid murky mystery.

Rosie Perera with:
The lame-duck Congress =
Stuck, ergo men clashed.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

eq1st - nedesto with:
A nosy old woman sees Donald in the park eating three candy bars and then tells him, "Eating so much junk is very bad for you!"
=
"Lady, my grampa Jack lived to be a hunnert."

"And so, naturally he ate candy?" she retorts.

"No, he minded his own fooking business."

eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Five of the species that face extinction:
1. Luristan newts
2. Pygmy sloths
3. Liben larks
4. Edwards's pheasants
5. Sumatran rhinos.
=
Five species that truly SHOULD be extinct:
1. Spammers
2. Phonies
3. Wrestling fans
4. Kardashian fans
5. Reality show contestants.

3rd - Scott Gardner with:
The American Tour de France winner Lance Edward Armstrong
=
Win a race, then drug scandal, and now retirement from career

Meyran Kraus with:
"As a Scot, an Irishman and a Samoan walk into a bar, the hip bartender just sighs and asks which refreshment they want to get.
~
The Scot wants a cheap drink, the Samoan wants a boar and the Irishman starts a brawl!"

...And the German guy finishes this joke.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Our five sensations on the physical plane:
Touch
Smell
Taste
Sight
Hearing
=
Highest no-clash senses:

Intuition
Trust
Peace
Empathy
Sharing
Love of all

Ellie Dent with:
'SKYFALL' by Adele

This is the end
Hold your breath and count to ten
Feel the earth move and then
Hear my heart burst again
=

'SANDY'

God, hear a holy anthem
In the Land of the Free, save 'em
As it hurt badly; better then
Let's nuke that bloody hurricane!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Tibetan tradition says that if you have big feet... it means you did many spiritual pilgrimages in a previous life.
=
But...to aid imagination in an adult "Playboy" party, it is assumed the feet, if huge, are a sign of impressive virility!

Maurice Goddard with:
The Seven Deadly Sins

Pride
Greed
Envy
Lust
Sloth
Anger
Gluttony
=
Rather dodgy, testy, God-given presents; eventually ends us in Hell!

Ivan Andonov with:
Haitian general François-Dominique Toussaint Louverture =
In arousing quite a turmoil, I united French slaves onto area.

Maurice Goddard with:
Voting From Space: NASA Astronauts Can Beam Down Ballot From ISS =
Orbital fans passing now cast votes for, and to: Mr 'Uncle Sam' Obama!

Tony Crafter with:
On trying for the position of trainee blacksmith, the Dubliner got asked if he had ever shoed a ~
horse in the past.
"Begorra, oi... er, haven't," sighed the Irishman, "but I did once tell a donkey to f**k off."

Richard Brodie with:
Well, Obama is given the nod to reload, continuing to bankrupt the nation dead. I smell an error!
=
So, anointed, botch one more term? Oh, run up twelve trillion dollars in a giant naked debt? Again?

Rosie Perera with:
The disgruntled Republican voters from the United States are threatening to move to Canada, ~
but, I fear, haven't understood it's got adept, government-run, socialised health care treatment.

Adie Pena with:
The Five Biggest Fast Food Chains In The United States
1. Subway
2. McDonald's
3. Starbucks
4. Pizza Hut
5. Burger King
=
1. Undiminished hunger
2. Guzzle down Cokes
3. Big bastards take it
4. Stuff in fat asses
5. Give chubby tots that crap!

Rosie Perera with:
Rejection letter received by well-known author before he was published =
"New, eh? Jack, your whole reprehensible drivel would be better as confetti!"

David A. Green with:
Rejection letter received by well-known author before he was published =
Oh Bill!
A feeble new work.
Percy and Juliet sounds better here.
Chew it over.

Maurice Goddard with:
Rejection letter received by well-known author before he was published
=
Nabokov Sir,

We herewith reject your crude new 'Plebs Feel, Then Bed Lolita'

David Bourke with:
The rejection letter received by a well-known author before she was published =
Dear Jordan, like the chest, but one feels we won't ever publish a celebrity whore.

David Bourke with:
The Sweden and Paris Saint-Germain footballer Zlatan Ibrahimovic =
With an amazing parabolic soar, first-time overhead ball ends in net!

View with:
The Sweden and Paris Saint-Germain footballer Zlatan Ibrahimovic =
Distant goal, overhead ball in British net was amazin' performance, I

Maurice Goddard with:
Seated weekly and entirely absorbed in front of their computers all day and night long, ~
bitten or hit engulfed forlorn bleary-eyed anagram addicts, honestly don't sleep a wink!

Maurice Goddard with:
US planned to hit the moon with nuclear weapon to intimidate Russia =
Heinous Cold War intention upon a missile threat that'd wipe out man

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson
=
"Not coke." Whitney Houston
"So forget that." Amy Winehouse
"Overrated." Truman Capote
"Very bad." Elvis
"Cool!" Lindsay Lohan

eq1st - Tony Crafter with:
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson
=
Baloney! This vacuous American casually went on to shoot himself dead, proving to everyone that they, er... do not work?

3rd - Larry Brash with:
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson
=
Known for lovely commentary. However, controversy: a suicide death by a gunshot to the head as a potential solution.

Meyran Kraus with:
I want to convey that meek hope, love and harmony can save our world, but I fear it gets you nailed to the cross! (Holy Son)

Rosie Perera with:
The macho stereotype. Never listen to this baloney, though. Not a survivor, I was often royally cuckoo, and am now dead.

Adie Pena with:
"You get to sensibly fear and loathe a most noteworthy proven lunatic with a cocked revolver to his head." Anonymous

Dharam Khalsa with:
A wry Groucho hastily looked over the bad investment parts, vowed, "Oh no, you can't fool me. There ain't no Sanity Clause!"

Maurice Goddard with:
"What a hero!! Alas, the years up to now I've served in a loony bin for hooked ratty misconduct have gotten me only clouts."

View with:
The Conclusion: everything, everywhere has two sides - moral and nasty. A Fool, boycott not - honour, make, adopt , value it!

David Bourke with:
Now I'd have to totally disagree. Keith Moon's very unfortunate, costly hotel party behaviour? Who can condone a mess?

Rosie Perera with:
Why be a nun? You can't survive safely at home. Listen to rock-and-roll, drop some acid, shoot heroin. Why, even get a tattoo!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The sad story: incarceration, adulthood overwhelm, vulgarity, peyote abuse, took my own life, cannon shot to heavens!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Psychoanalyst evaluation: "The man was noted to be ever so dramatic: too high, too drunk, so very woefully incoherent."

nedesto with:
Novel Fear and Loathing author whose savvy notion about too much weed tells his reaction (yes, mockery!) to pedantry.

Ellie Dent with:
'Never fast enough!' cynical author boasted provocatively. His own solution may work ... yet leads other men on to death.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Openly took that danger to mean only One Rule:

Some fool who has very bad vices,
You cannot trust what their advice is!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The notorious drunk behaved as a moody craven psychotic fool to get attention; however, is really only human waste.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"You know, the wise fool traveled about on a motorcycle, hungover, to events in his heyday." Cartoonist Ralph Steadman

Dharam Khalsa with:
Even on arriving dead in a tomb, totally worn out, eyes vacuous, he spoke to the fans on motorcycle, "Holy sh*t�€�what a ride!"

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - nedesto with:
Goofy Definitions:

ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.

HEROES: What that guy in a boat has to do.

PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

PARADOX: Are two physicians.

BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.

COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put cabinets together.

EYEDROPPER: A very clumsy ophthalmologist.

LEFTBANK: What that robber did when his bag was too full of money.

SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store has to do.

BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees police with.

=

RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.

MISTY: How some golfer types create divots.

PARASITES: French things you see from high on top of the Eiffel Tower.

POLARIZE: What penguins see snowdrifts with.

PHARMACIST: Boy who ran off to be a helper on the farm.

ARBITRATOR: Cook that chooses to leave Arby's to work at McDonalds.

AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter or cowboy hopes to do.

SUDAFED: Brought harassing litigation against a government agent.

RELIEF: What each tree hopes to do in the Spring.

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
ARE YOU A REDNECK?

Name two words in the English language that start with the letters "Dw".

1. Dwell and dwindle.
2. Dwarf and dwarves.
3. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Dwight Yoakam.

Why can't a man living in the United States be buried in Canada?

1. Because he is alive.
2. Because of the bear problem.
3. Because of Obama.

Farmer Mike Wood has 33 teeth. When he visits the dentist, all but 15 are pulled out. How many are left?

1. 15.
2. 18.
3. What is a dentist?

Is it illegal for someone to marry his own widow in Mississippi?

1. It's a moot point; If this certain someone's wife is a widow, he is obviously dead.
2. Not in theory, but the paperwork's a bitch.
3. It's not illegal to marry any relative in Mississippi. Unless you're gay.

How many animals of each sex did Moses load into the ark?

1. You're thinking of Noah.
2. 31 million of them... No, wait, 2?
3. I spaced out after "animals" and "sex".

Your Score:

Mostly 1? Congrats! You answered every question correctly... in a quiz designed for children. I hope you're proud of yourself.

Mostly 2? You are less of a redneck and more of a common dweeb. Which is the word you forgot in the first question.

Mostly 3? Your neck is definitely redder than a Tea Partier's. You have 5 banjos and a kazoo, eat termites, know at least 3 people called Jeb and are on the road to becoming the 2016 Republican running mate.

=

ARE YOU A SNOB?

"Mint" is...

1. Collectibles in fine condition.
2. A kind of sweet.
3. My favorite stripper.

Do you watch Mad Men?

1. That's the only show I'm willing to watch.
2. Yes, when I'm out of Ambien.
3. I'd even prefer reading Miley Cyrus tweets, frankly.

So what did you think of episode 15 in season 3?

1. A skilled example of all the existential angst in that acclaimed classic.
2. Um, I think my DVR deleted it.
3. Wikipedia says there is no episode 15 in season 3.

How much do you tip a bathroom attendant?

1. Add the number of specks on the bowl and divide by 80.
2. Not sure, I'm always embarrassed.
3. Good question. How much do you tip your dad?

A supermarket is...

1. A Petri dish for social diseases.
2. A place with great bargains.
3. Where I work.

And heirloom tomatoes are...

1. A must for a Sauce Vierge.
2. A lousy inheritance?
3. Half off tomorrow, so swing by!

What's the difference between Evian and generic bottled water?

1. One's for humans, the other's for radiators.
2. About 6 dollars.
3. A cleaner garden hose.

Your score:

Mostly 1? Well, there's a fine line between a snob and a jerk, and you just spilled some Pinot Noir all over it.

Mostly 2? You are an Average Joe. Why were you in a bathroom with an attendant?

Mostly 3? Well done, you nailed this quiz and win nothing. Beware of the redneck quiz, though... It might contain a nasty surprise.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Personality traits not measured by testing at schools:

Creativity
Resilience
Motivation
Persistence
Curiosity
Question asking
Endurance
Reliability
Enthusiasm
Civic-mindedness
Self awareness
Self discipline
Sense of humour
~
Leadership
Compassion
Courage
Cowardice
Morals
Sense of entitlement
Resourcefulness
Inquisitiveness
Determination
Family abuse insecurity
Social sensitivity
Assertiveness
Critical thinking
Dependability
Trust
Honesty

Ellie Dent with:
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Former American president, George W Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

Charles Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?

Robert Frost: To cross the road less travelled by.

Martin Luther King : It had a dream.

James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Physicist Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest, tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion, tend to cross the road.

=

The canny 'Star Trek' Scot, Mr Scott, joked: 'My transporter was na' functioning correctly. I canna do miracles, Cap'n!'

The blithe Mae West: 'Oh, I asked it - sexily! - to come up and see me.'

George Washington: 'In fact, it first crossed the Delaware with me - way back - honest.'

Darth Vader: 'It couldn't resist the Dark Side.'

The homely Brit, Baden-Powell (in light shorts and socks), remarked: 'To be frank, to earn thereby
the Road Crossing badge.'

Not forgetting:

Rich Colonel Sanders, who scoffed: 'Oh no, horrors! Oh, Christ, I missed one? Shucks!'

Tony Crafter with:
THE NATION'S TOP TEN SONGS OF SEDUCTION
(According to a poll of the people of Britain)

1. Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye
2. Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye
3. Any Barry White song
4. Je T'Aime... Moi Non Plus - Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg
5. Sex On Fire - Kings Of Leon
6. You Sexy Thing - Hot Chocolate
7. Maurice Ravel's 'Bolero'
8. I'll Make Love To You - Boyz To Men
9. Lady In Red - Chris De Burgh
10.Bump N' Grind - R Kelly

=

1. 'Make love, be cured!' rejoices soul brother.
2. Soul brother doing more sexual rejoicing!
3. Play any gooey ballad
4. Breathy sixties sex song.
5. See one getting burned in love?
6. Ugly blokes' gear came off to it in 'The Full Monty'
7. It got Torvill & Dean skating on thin ice!
8. Harmonizing nineties guy-band
9. Perky piano man pining for a scarlet woman
10. For oomph! play this raunchy love song!

Adie Pena with:
Top Ten Most Endangered Species
1. Black Rhino
2. Giant Panda
3. Tiger
4. Beluga Sturgeon
5. Goldenseal
6. Alligator Snapping Turtle
7. Hawksbill Turtle
8. Big Leaf Mahogany
9. Green-Cheeked Parrot
10. Mako Shark

=

1. Horn baggers
2. Natural habitat gone; poaching
3. Asian god's kinky cure
4. Pearl-like roe demand
5. Cure-all herb plant
6. Tagged "rare" meat
7. Tortoise shell kept
8. Wooden planks, tables
9. Pet smuggling
10. Get fin!

Maurice Goddard with:
The four essential human freedoms as proclaimed by US President Franklin D Roosevelt:

Freedom of Speech
Freedom of Worship
Freedom from Want
Freedom from Fear=
Moreover, Homo sapiens from fifty different states,
from palefaced, lemon, red, or coffee-brown peoples,
defined dads, mums, kids, Mormon or what,
sure feel FREE! Hurrah!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Things that connect us: We honor the everyday things that bring us together and celebrate people everywhere opening up and connecting."
=
Abstract photograph: Dying sun on lone incongruent chair hung between deepest green trees, lengthy caption...they never watch the video!

Maurice Goddard with:
Didn't you used to be running for president? Mitt Romney looks tired and disheveled as he pumps his own gas just two weeks after election defeat
=
Reaction to the winner's aim? Obvious the snotty-nosed dim-witted jerk was upset, unsure, giddy, or drunken, and fell off his esteemed GOP pedestal!

Dharam Khalsa with:
The ten most useful Search Engines
(in no particular order):

DuckDuckGo
Ask Jeeves
Dogpile
Bing
The Internet Archive
Yippy (formerly 'Clusty')
Yahoo
Mahalo
Webopedia
Google
=
Eleven popular searches
(hodgepodge):

Facebook
YouTube
Pinterest
Katharine McPhee
Nicki Minaj
Christina Aguilera
Drugs/weed
Escort
Mythology
Old vinyl
Golf tourneys

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - nedesto with:

1. Go away
4. Lyrical poem
7. Boy kids
9. Crack
14. Inane dunderheads (7,6)
15. Swelling due to disease
16. Abandon it
17. Attain; meet
18. Use a label
20. Drought-weary area (4,4)
22. Rifle type (5,6)
25. Off yourself
27. Intent
28. Salt
30. Loveless, platitudinous union (8,2,11)
33. Couch
35. ___ won't do!
36. Presently
39. Electronic computers use it (7,4)
41. Punch (4,4)
44. Dears
45. Green
46. ___ ___ License Agreement (3,6)
50. Root vegetable
51. French kiss? (6,7)
52. Rein___
53. Perpetrate murder
54. Conditionally
55. Crime
=
1. Yokel, dupe or loon
2. Pasta type
3. Old is reused
5. Fatso
6. Microcomputer core (7,10,4)
7. Sheltered to the wind
8. Nederlands hat (5,3)
10. Currently attractive?
11. Barterer
12. Thank
13. Be decidedly sober
19. Day fifteen
21. A wee pancake
23. Car
24. Angle
26. Gone
29. Calling (5,2,4)
30. Inspirer
31. Curious
32. Twist
34. Consul
37. Cue we use to display ennui
38. Mane style
40. One's motherland
42. Is gleeful
43. A nitrogenous bean
47. Impugn severely
48. Fraction
49. Militia

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

[These 4 poems each depict a different stage in life - In utero, young love, parenthood and old age. In addition, there's also a gradual progression in the way they're anagrammed into one another: The 2nd poem is a sentence anagram of the 1st, the 3rd is a word anagram of it and the 4th is a standard letter anagram. Enjoy!]

Your mother's womb while still her embryo
Will keep you right forevermore, it seems;
That later age, in which reign gloom and woe,
Is far away and just a distant dream.
But deep within, in fact, is one mild gleam:
The fine bond with another human heart
Is so intense, its influence supreme;
Her promises and days yours from the start.
For love's not fleeting but a piece of art,
And she determines quite more than you know
The future love with whom you'd never part;
She'll point the guiding light, child, as you grow.

=

That later age, in which reign gloom and woe,
Is so intense, its influence supreme;
Your mother's womb while still her embryo
Is far away and just a distant dream.
But deep within, in fact, is one mild gleam:
The future love with whom you'd never part
Will keep you right forevermore, it seems -
The fine bond with another human heart.
And she determines quite more than you know,
Her promises and days yours from the start:
She'll point the guiding light, child, as you grow
For love's not fleeting but a piece of art.

=

But later still, the embryo is yours,
A piece of you within her mother's womb,
One human whom you'd love forevermore
And point her far away from woe and gloom -
Which is, more than another bond, so deep
For it in fact determines your dream child;
She is, in part, the promises you keep,
That fine art with a heart, while not as mild.
The days start fleeting and will grow intense,
The distant future never seems quite light
But with love's guiding gleam, its influence,
You know she'll reign supreme and age just right.

=

More summers passed. The girl has grown and thrived
While raising merry youngsters of her own,
And now, the final moment has arrived;
The room is empty and you are alone.
Yeah, life was often bleak or rather cruel,
But it's equipped with madly epic stuff;
If all there is are those few precious jewels
It definitely would've been enough.
And though the guiding light's no longer lit,
There is a special bond you've known from birth,
And that means you must now commit to it...
It's time to reunite with Mother Earth.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
OH I WISH I'D LOOKED AFTER ME TEETH
By
Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth,
And spotted the dangers beneath
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food.
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

I wish I'd been that much more willin'
When I had more tooth there than fillin'
To give up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers,
And to buy something else with me shillin'.

When I think of the lollies I licked
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.

My mother, she told me no end,
'If you got a tooth, you got a friend.'
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin'
And pokin' and fussin'
Didn't seem worth the time - I could bite!

If I'd known I was paving the way
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fillin's,
Injections and drillin's,
I'd have thrown all me sherbet away.

So I lie in the old dentist's chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine
In these molars of mine.
'Two amalgam,' he'll say, 'for in there.'

How I laughed at my mother's false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath.
But now comes the reckonin'
It's me they are beckonin'
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

=

WHAT I WISH I HAD UNDERSTOOD THEN
By
Anon

Oh, I wish I could rewind the clock,
And turn back the years and take stock;
The mistakes that I made,
This time I'd evade,
Oh, I wish I could rewind the clock.

I'd skip being thirteen this time!
There were too many mountains to climb,
As those cute childhood dimples
Became boyhood pimples,
Hell, I'd skip being thirteen this time.

Oh, I wish I were eighteen again!
This time I'd shrug off all the pain
Of female rejections,
And ill-timed erections;
Yes, I wish I were eighteen again!

When I think of my twenties, oh hell!
I sure had some worrying spells,
With a wife and two daughters
And me - sole supporter,
Wish I'd known it'd all turn out well.

Then my thirties had their share of stress,
But now, on reflection, I guess
That I should have felt chilled,
And not been torment-filled,
And said to myself - "I am blessed."

Then the forties roared in from nowhere.
I blinked and - oh man! - they were there!
I should have said, "Face it,
Life's good, so embrace it,
Get a shark-tattoo, throw off your cares!"

Then came the mad fifties, oh my!
And the time's simply zooming on by,
All the plans that I had
Didn't happen; too bad,
And I never quite understood why.

Though that decade was mostly a flop,
In a possible thirteen years, top,
I'll have head-fog, no teeth,
The odd problem beneath,
Then that time clock'll probably... stop.

Ellie Dent with:
CRUCIAL THINGS A CAT SHOULD ALWAYS REMEMBER.

My human's compact discs are NOT miniature Frisbees.

My human also says the proper order is kiss her, then go smell the other cat's back-end. She can't stress
this enough.

When she says 'move,' it means to go some place else, and not switch positions with each other so there
are still two of you blocking the way.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating my human to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping her does not help, because she can fall faster than I can run.

The dinner table might not be the best place to start grooming my rear.

Screaming at the can of cat food will not make it open all by itself.

Leaping from the top of the condo onto the curtain rod can make my human very annoyed with me. If I do it,
I will get a time out, squirted with The Water Bottle Of Death and yelled at... very loudly.

If I am trying to hide behind the window blind so nobody will see me (and I'm really clever for hiding
behind the window blind, you know), I should never allow my tail to hang down.

I must perfect a realistic death stare to give my human every time I happen to be disturbed.

If I vomit on the carpet after overeating yet again, I must stand up and walk away without the slightest
little hint of a care.

I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase after falling leaves.

If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get real hungry.

The very large golden labrador in the neighbours' back yard has lived there for nigh on six years. I will
not get freaked out every time I see that big scary critter.

=

The humans' elderly guinea pig seems tough but harmless, and does like to sleep sometimes. I won't watch
him constantly.

If I bite the cactus - look out! - it will bite back.

I will not stand repeatedly on the bathroom counter to stare down the hall, crying at nothing (especially
immediately after my human has finished watching 'X-Files').

Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's pretty new earrings are not cat toys.

If I play 'dead' on the stairs when people are trying to bring in the groceries or laundry, one day -
abracadabra - it will come true.

My human's hubby is able to cook his, or her bacon and egg breakfast adequately without my help.

The cat food is dead, So therefore I do not need to help to kill it, by swatting it over the floor.

I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.

I won't be able to walk on the ceiling; and staring up the wall and screaming at it uselessly won't bring
it any nearer.

It's not a good idea to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in the coffee.

They say the infuriating goldfish likes living freely in water, and therefore he should be allowed to
remain in his bowl.

If my human wants to share her fresh buttered sandwich with me, she'll give me a piece of it shortly. And
she will notice if I start to eat from the other end.

I can't jump through shut bedroom windows to catch birds outside.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy bird is much more acceptable than a
cockroach, even if it's not as tasty.

Even though I hear voices in my head, guess I don't have to answer them.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Thanksgiving crossword =
thanksgiving crossword

Tony Crafter with:
The teacher summoned little Johnny to her desk. She told him, �€œThe essay you've written about your pet dog is word for word the same as the one your big brother Bobby has written.�€
�€œOf course it is Ma'am,�€ said Johnny; �€œit's the same dog.�€
*

The kindergarten teacher noticed a little puddle under Jenny's seat. "Oh Jenny," she said, "you should have put your hand up."
"I did," said Jenny, "but it still trickled through my fingers."
*

A redneck boy ran into his house and announced excitedly: "Wow! I've found the girl I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
"Dang, there's no way you're marrying that gal!" raged his father, "If she's not good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours!"
*

How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
Two. One to eat it and one to watch for traffic.
*

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty trolley when he heard a woman ask, �€œExcuse me, do you want that trolley?�€
�€œNo,�€ he answered, �€œI'm only after one thing.�€
�€œHuh,�€ mumbled the woman. �€œTypical man.�€
*

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office and said: �€œMy wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.�€
"What nonsense!�€ said the psychiatrist, �€œI like sausages too.�€
�€œGood,�€ said the man, �€œyou must come and see my collection - I've got hundreds of them.�€
*

A man standing at a bar asked the bartender: "How late does the band play?"
The bartender replied: "About a half-beat behind the drummer."
*

Two hydrogen atoms walked into a bar. One said: �€œOh dear, I think I've lost an electron.�€
The other said, �€œAre you sure?�€
The first replied, �€œYes, I'm positive.�€
*

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the bartender gave her one.
*
=

A neutron walked into a bar and asked the barman: "How much for a beer?"
The barman said: "For you, no charge."
*

Two fonts walked into a bar. The bartender said: "Sorry, we don't serve your type in here."
*

A sausage walked into a bar and asked for a drink.
"Sorry, said the barman, we don't serve food."
*

Two fleas left a restaurant. Outside, one turned to the other and said: �€œDo you want to walk or take a dog?�€
*

What do a toilet and an anniversary have in common?
- Men always miss them.
*

A man phones the local mental hospital and says: "Excuse me, who's in room Fifteen?"
"Nobody," says the receptionist.
"That's good," says the man, "I must have escaped."
*

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: �€œScully, I didn't see you at camouflage-training this morning!�€
The soldier replied: �€œThank you very much, sir.�€
*

What is the definition of a gentleman?
A man who can play the bagpipes... but doesn't.
*

How do you know that you're at a redneck wedding?
Everyone sits on the same side of the church.
*

For the fifth time that year, Jesse was arrested for punching his wife. The irate judge said: �€œThis is crazy! Why do you keep beating her?�€
Jesse replied, �€œHell, Your Honour, I guess it's my extra weight advantage, longer reach and totally superior footwork.�€
*

A man with a gun charged into a bank and called out, "Gimme me all your money!" Once he'd got the cash, he turned to a customer and asked: "Hey you! Did you see me just rob this bank?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him, killing him instantly.
He then turned to the couple standing behind and asked the man, "So... did you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, but my wife did."
*

Adie Pena with:
NOVEMBER
by Thomas Hood

No sun--no moon!
No morn--no noon!
No dawn--no dusk--no proper time of day--
No sky--no earthly view--
No distance looking blue--

No road--no street--
No "t'other side the way"--
No end to any Row--
No indications where the Crescents go--

No top to any steeple--
No recognitions of familiar people--
No courtesies for showing 'em--
No knowing 'em!

No mail--no post--
No news from any foreign coast--
No park--no ring--no afternoon gentility--
No company--no nobility--

No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease,
No comfortable feel in any member--
No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees,
No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds,
November!

=

NOVEMBER
by Mitt Romney

No body--no boys!
No strength--no noise!
No fluff--no club offers--no bleeding offenses--
No sky--no sunshine--
No dessert or wine--

No sleep tightly--no strategy--
No noteworthy defenses--
No tenfold debt money--
No weekend sunny--

No New York or Rhode Island--
No New Hampshire or Maryland--
No Ohio or Oregon--
No Minnesota or Washington!

No fettle--no fiesta--
No Matias or Maria--
No Tomas--no Diego--no Valentina or Pablo--
No Mateo--no Latino--

No cheers, no congratulations, no political spin,
No acceptance speech to remember--
No triumph, no fireworks, no Oval Office, no win,
No aim, no luck, no power, no White House,
November!

NOVEMBER 2012 NOMINATIONS

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY