Complete list of nominations for February, 2013

FEBRUARY 2013 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2013

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Vatican's palace =
A place is vacant.

2nd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Asperger's syndrome =
Pardon my regresses!

3rd - Andrew Berhaut with:
The Findus Corporation =
Horse fat in production.

View with:
Australopithecus =
It has our past clue.

Adie Pena with:
The O2, Greenwich Peninsula, South-East London =
Thought I'll now spend to see U2 in chosen arena.

David A. Green with:
The Vestibular Disorders Association (VEDA) =
Tries so hard to divert/avoid balance issues

Scott Gardner with:
Super Bowl ‡
Slower pub.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Baltimore Ravens =
Men beat other rivals.

Scott Gardner with:
The Austrian Physicist Erwin Schrödinger =
Surprise: Whether cat in his carton is dying.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The National Defence Authorization Act =
Hone reach to detain a citizen at no fault.

Christopher Sturdy with:
Commonwealth of Independent States =
Men and women open to the leftist cads.

David Bourke with:
Thousands die from thirst and other stuff, in ~
the Mid Staffordshire NHS Foundation Trust.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The University of South Dakota =
Have to take hours of study in it!

Scott Gardner with:
The University of California =
Faculty I have is not inferior.

Tony Crafter with:
DIGNITAS (the assisted suicide organisation) =
Aiding a death is not God's cause. It is sinister.

Dharam Khalsa with:
DIGNITAS (assisted dying organisation) ~
is degrading dignity to assassination.

Dan Fortier with:
New Orleans Half Marathon =
When all honor a faster man.

Meyran Kraus with:
The Israeli Iron Dome system =
It is one army's remote shield

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
Top five best sellers
1. A Tale of Two Cities
2. The Lord of the Rings
3. Le Petit Prince
4. The Hobbit
5. Dream of the Red Chamber
=
1. Paris embattled
2. Big three-part Frodo epic
3. Little French tot
4. Bilbo to meet the dwarfs
5. The lives of Chinese heroes

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The First Five Presidents of the US:

Washington
Adams
Jefferson
Madison
Monroe
=
Founding Father
Statesman John
The vision persists
Offered wisdom
Freemason

3rd - Adie Pena with:
POPE BENEDICT'S NICKNAMES
1. German Shepherd
2. The Grand Inquisitor
3. Papa Ratzi
4. God's Rottweiler
5. The Red German
=
1. Chaperoning tempted sheep?
2. Asked strict questions!
3. Horrid paper man?
4. Great growler bit here!
5. Demanding Nazi?

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The skeletal remains of the last Plantagenet, King Richard III =
Leicester has seen the main kill after that dig in a parking lot

Tony Crafter with:
Wear tight shoes and you will forget all your other troubles =
I tell you, world, the foot-blister onslaughts are a huge worry!

David Bourke with:
The United Kingdom's parliament has voted to approve Cameron's gay marriage Bill =
A kiss, David! It meant the beaming groom and groom can travel up the aisle properly!

Maurice Goddard with:
Ahmadinejad says Iran can create nuclear weapons, but not to attack Israel
=
One can't trust that paranoiac wild-eyed jackass! Nearer an absolute maniac!

Ellie Dent with:
A haughty camel walks into one Irish bar with an Egyptian mummy on its back. He turns an' kneels. That way, the mummy slides off,
~
then makes his way up to the bar. 'What'll I get you ?' asks Cliff, a barman. 'Nothing, thanks.' says the mummy, 'I merely came in to unwind.'

David Bourke with:
Tesco Everyday Value - "Great quality, even better range"
=
Very regrettable...vaguely-equine cadaver, yet no taste!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Why Humans Like to Cry: Tragedy, Evolution, and the Brain - Michael Trimble
=
Death or Maternal Bonding I think, but I cure my lachrymal eyes with Love.

Richard Brodie with:
A meteor explodes a fireball terror above Russia and no fewer than a thousand people hurt by flying glass in Chelyabinsk=
Galaxy wanderer recently strikes over populous Siberia; both an unpleasant boom heard and a flash of light briefly seen.

nedesto with:
“Hey hey hey! Guess what Honey? At long last we saved enough money to buy that car we'd started saving for way back in the 1970s.”
=
The eager wife loudly asks, "Why, you mean to say that we're going to get a brand-new Chevy?!"

"No," says the husband, "... that 1970s Chevy."

David Bourke with:
The South African Police Service's detective Hilton Botha =
If I bet, he'll not have the evidence to catch Oscar Pistorius!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Iceland is considering a ban on Internet porn. Now there's nothing to do in Iceland." -- Stephen Colbert
=
Innocent (not obscene) things to do:

Art
Dine in
Dogsled
Chronicle
Hibernate
Print news
Learn piano

Mey K. with:

"Iceland is considering a ban on Internet porn. Now there's nothing to do in Iceland." -- Stephen Colbert
=
"China tried to censor online porn. Now the debtless China is No. one in trading. Get bent, porn." -- Iceland

ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
"Ladies and Gentlemen; would you please be upstanding and charge your glasses, for I give you... the Bride and Groom."
=
"Do all you freeloading buggers realise, this one wedding day cost me a humungous eleven grand?!"

Tony - Bride's Papa

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Ladies and Gentlemen; would you please be upstanding and charge your glasses, for I give you... the Bride and Groom."
=
The cued bride giggles "I do!
Gad, he's noble and true!"
As up from a pew
A young girl yells, "Me too!"
And a nun says, "I never do!"

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
"Ladies and Gentlemen; would you please be upstanding and charge your glasses, for I give you... the Bride and Groom."
=
As you see, my daughter Pauline is now pregnant, and I do urge you all, get moving... before a blessed grandchild does.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"As I address you, pardon a sudden laughing bout, open giggles, or booming flatulence; they already served me wine."

Christine Parker with:
Husband and wife united; one young couple, legally married; spouses tightly bonded and marriage goes over ages.

David Bourke with:
...and applied to a Civil Union, by default you generally see
"a Groom and Groom" used when addressing these buggers!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Dowdy bridesmaid: "Here's to an engaging couple, no longer engaged yet loved... (pauses, runs) Oh, but sadly, I'm a failure!"

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
So many years of cuddling up to tease a beau's love sees our model girl hiding a pregnant bulge on her wedding day

Rosie Perera with:
I'd plug a peer's sage advice: Yes, lass, luggage is needed, but don't bring a dreadful mother-in-law on your honeymoon!

Adie Pena with:
Boys and Girls; I do suggest a generous alimony plan agreed upon... you'll meet the divorced Husband and eager Wife!

Christopher Sturdy with:
A swooning young man truly loved a gorgeous girl, dared hope I'd be speechless and must be due a fairytale ending.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Dear People: We say marriage is made in Heaven, but so are clouds and ungodly lightning surges...Don't be fooled, guy!"

View with:
Dubious lecher as beau and foggy harlot, engaged and legally wed. Amusing-poisonous enormity, indeed. Perverts!

Christopher Sturdy with:
I see a mutually advantageous future. Aye, do go wild on honeymoon, giggle, depress bedsprings and bear children!

nedesto with:
"Peggy's an untidy underdressed outgoing open slut. Woody's a gullible fool... A bad marriage made in heaven! Cheers!"

Maurice Goddard with:
"Guess? I later divorced after a sublime honeymoon shagging and sleeping nude. A sure rule: God! DON'T wed a Playboy!"

Maurice Goddard with: <
Seeing "I do" wedding bells boom
As resounding loudly at noon,
A "Gee! Happy ever after?"
Caused amusing dry laughter!

Larry Brash with:
"As this bloody enormous event cost me a few hundred grand, you idle gaggle are being seriously unappealing," - Dad.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"We drain a glass to the couple: my beyond gorgeous daughter and an undeserving, idle, unemployable oaf...(I digress)."

Rosie Perera with:
Gee, a mere sluggard, a goon, pursued peaceful Sis and is even going to be my brother-in-law?! Dad, didn't you say "Hell no!"?!

Richard Brodie with:
Enamoured couple had rehearsed obligations. "Rise mugs, even if only staggeringly, you deadbeats, and gulp down!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
"We drain a glass to the couple: my beyond gorgeous daughter and an undeserving, idle, unemployable oaf...(I digress)."

Dharam Khalsa with:
I give them to you - wedding presents, luggage, foreseeable issues, and all. Poor you! And may grandchildren abound!!

Rosie Perera with:
"I gave them to you so I'd be rid of them, yielding peace. Gal nags, and dude snores unendurably. So long! Wear ear plugs!"

View with:
Unbiased lad persuaded graceful lady:
'So gorgeous'
'We are young'
'Love is a many-splendored thing'
'Be mine tonight'

Meyran Kraus with:
Our eager plea confused a livid grandma, who misunderstood and obeyed... by plugging her eyeglasses in an outlet.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The elderly couple, who had been courting a long time, finally decided that they would get married. While out making their wedding plans, they went into a pharmacy,

The old man asked the sales assistant, "Do you sell arthritis pills?"

"Yes, we do," said the assistant,

"Great! And how about heart medication?"

"We stock that too."

"Ok; anything for constipation?"

"Naturally!"

"Hmm... and denture cleaner?"

"Of course, sir."

"Ah... how about Viagra?" he winked.

"Ha, ha, and Viagra, sir!"

"And sleeping pills?"

"We keep them in bulk."

"Acid reflux tablets?"

"All makes."

"Ah, thanks, that's swell!" whooped the delighted old man, nodding to his bride-to-be. "Okay; we would like to register here for our wedding gifts!"

=

I got dancing with an older woman at a club last night.

Celia looked pretty good for a sixty-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I'd found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a little - well, a lot - we snuggled up, and she asked me if I’d ever tried a ‘Sportsman’s Double’?

“No, what is it?” I asked.

“It is a mother and daughter threesome,” she replied.

“Oh,” I said, as I began to consider the idea (while secretly wondering what this daughter of hers looked like). "No, I haven't."

We drank some more, then Celia purred that tonight was my ‘lucky night’!

I went back to her place.

We went in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs... “Mom, you still awake?”

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:

The Carnival Triumph Cruise '14
It's a voyage you may never forget!

Pioneers-ville! Now you can revisit the savage days of a young America! Experience American life in simpler times without those basic modern luxuries like power, soap, food and fresh air. It may be the finest survival lesson that you'd ever have!
A Blazing Good Time: Behold, the primal force that has fascinated Man ever since we crawled out of the sea: Fire! Sit back and bask at the beauty of our own Flame Emporium (formerly the engine room). Come for the warmth, stay for the s'mores!*
*Bring your own s'mores
Health Tutorials! Most doctors believe that analyzing our diets should be our number one priority. And at Carnival Cruises, we don't just settle for Number Two. This is why our private facilities supply Hot and Cold Running Sewage - after all, each Carnival meal is so nice, you'll want to encounter it twice!

=

Guest Appearances: Surprise! Our highly informative safety lecture will be delivered by none other than Captain Francesco Schettino. Marvel as he demonstrates how to abandon ship in our only lifeboat!
A Zen For Life: Are modern cruises often zooming too fast for you? Now you can truly relax while you're towed at the maximum speed of 1.4 miles per hour through the mild backwaters of the majestic Venice of South East USA: Mobile, Alabama!
Premium Calligraphy Course! Learn how to sign your name like a real artist using a variety of colorful liability waivers! It's a must!!
Stars For A Day: So, we've reached port - but the fun shouldn't stop there. Why, are those TV cameras?! Indeed, it's time to live like a rich celebrity and gain worldwide fame... by giving interviews to numerous primetime newscasts! Move over, Beyonce!
Carnival Cruises: An adventure nothing short of titanic

3rd - Christopher Sturdy with:
Naturalization Oath of Allegiance to the United States of America

Oath "I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state or sovereignty, of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen; that I will support and defend the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I will bear arms on behalf of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform noncombatant service in the armed forces of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform work of national importance under civilian direction when required by the law; and that I take this obligation freely without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; so help me God."

=
The undertaking one willingly subscribes to when offering oneself before a judge as a new citizen has some rather deft features hidden within legal wording.

Not least the neat use of elevated vocabulary no current resident of the country would normally employ.

Definitely quite a lot of stuff about guns, not so much about Iraq or al-Qaeda! And then there's the matter of employment. Nothing to declare I have a job lined up, or for that matter, a place to stay or medical insurance.

I note there's no place to swear I am neither a crackpot, a terrorist, a zealot, a murderer nor want benefit.

It's apolitical (at least non-partisan) and yet at the end I see Christian religion implicit within it. I'd feel it inane if I had to swear all that with a hand on a bible, which inevitably is the intention.

I find it to be verbal diarrhoea. What a way to help achieve a welcome at the home of the free world.

Dharam Khalsa with:
After being married for going on 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $42,000 car, a king-sized bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

=

My wife gave me her 2 cents. Okay, the upshot was that she offered me a guarantee: if I could go out and catch a hot 23-year-old girl again, she'd make sure I obtained a bargain house trailer for $49,000.00, a $500.00-range junker, a sofa bed, and my puny 10-inch black and white TV once again (and in addition, my dog Fido). Got the idea?

By the way, fellows, ain't wives over 65 great? It's spooky how well they can prioritize an old goat's problems!

Richard Brodie with:
A fireball terror as a meteor explodes above Russia and no fewer than a thousand people hurt by flying glass in Chelyabinsk.

=

Recently both an unpleasant boom heard and a flash of light briefly seen over populous Siberia as galaxy wanderer strikes.

Adie Pena with:
His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God.*

=

CONTROVERSIES OF THE PAPACY

- Offensive thoughts on Islam
- Probe the butler (the confidant chosen by him!)
- "Survivors of the Holocaust" crap?
- Effort to prevent contraception
- Condoms effect HIV?!
- Stiff opposition: Never to same-sex marriage!
- His health crisis
- The proven pedophiliac affairs.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The little Love-god lying once asleep
Laid by his side his heart-inflaming brand,
Whilst many nymphs that vowed chaste life to keep
Came tripping by; but in her maiden hand
The fairest votary took up that fire
Which many legions of true hearts had warmed;
And so the general of hot desire
Was sleeping by a virgin hand disarmed.
This brand she quenched in a cool well by,
Which from Love's fire took heat perpetual,
Growing a bath and healthful remedy
For men diseased; but I, my mistress' thrall,
Came there for cure, and this by that I prove,
Love's fire heats water, water cools not love.

=

What This Lady Likes Most

He'd call me Peach and Honeydew,
Ensuring that his love is true;
Romantic odes make their debut -
However droll, they will not do.
Each ode and bluff can be his foe
And can dissolve this status quo;
Real love is friendly and mundane -
Though it's a hard one to obtain.

The Rhymes of a Crafty Man

Her face is stiff; she breathes a sigh,
Not very pleased with me - yet I
Will bring that love back to her eyes
By trying hard and aiming high:
Creative odes performed with glee
Might promptly answer her brief plea;
One poem will prevent that war,
Establishing a firm rapport.

[The first 2 acrostics are formed by the Female poem's first letters and the Male poem's last letters:]

What This Lady Likes Most

He'd call me Peach and Honeydew,
Ensuring that his love is true;
Romantic odes make their debut -
However droll, they will not do.
Each ode and bluff can be his foe
And can dissolve this status quo;
Real love is friendly and mundane -
Though it's a hard one to obtain.

The Rhymes of a Crafty Man

Her face is stiff; she breathes a sigH,
Not very pleased with me - yet I
Will bring that love back to her eyeS
By   trying   hard   and aiming higH:
Creative odes performed   with gleE
Might promptly answer her brief pleA;
One   poem   will prevent   that   waR,
Establishing     a    firm     rapporT.

The 3rd acrostic is formed by the poems' other set of last & first letters, but only appears when the Female & Male poems intermingle:

What This Lady Likes Most       The Rhymes of a Crafty Man

He'd call me Peach and HoneydeW,
                                Her face is stiff; she breathes a sigH,
Ensuring that his love is truE;
                                Not very pleased with me - yet I
Romantic odes make their debuT -
                                Will bring that love back to her eyeS
However droll, they will not dO.
                                By   trying   hard   and aiming higH:
Each ode and bluff can be his foE
                                Creative odes performed   with gleE
And can dissolve this status quO;
                                Might promptly answer her brief pleA;
Real love is friendly and mundanE -
                                One   poem   will prevent   that   waR,
Though it's a hard one to obtaiN.
                                Establishing     a    firm     rapporT.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The best-selling novel 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' has seduced women and baffled men.
Now a clever spoof, 'Fifty Sheds Of Grey', offers a treat for the men, as author Colin Grey recalls his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some recollections...

FIFTY SHEDS OF GREY:

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against the wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion that the bottom of the garden was plainly the correct place for the shed.

She stood there, trembling in the shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want."
So we went to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I grunted with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to purchase all sorts of ropes, chains and shackles.
She's still managing to get into that shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Hmm, kinky," she purred.
"Well," I rasped, "we can't be too careful, not with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she purred, biting her lip. "I need punishing."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the bench tightly. "Harder!"
"Right," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back spent, gazing happily out the shed window.
Despite all my concerns about my chronic lack of experience, the rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you certain you can stand the pain?" she snarled, brandishing the stilettos.
"I think I can," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said... and she showed me the till-receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I snarled. "You've got fat ankles and rotten dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I said. "Only, when I'm done, you'll be unable to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Right," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer as only a proper man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she purred, gently caressing my neck as we listened to her Coldplay CD.

=

THOSE WONDERFUL CHURCH BULLETINS!

Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) really appeared in bulletins or were announced during services:

The Fasting and Prayer session on Sunday includes meals.

Ladies, do not forget Tuesday's rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Katharine Sharkey sang 'I will not pass this way again,' thus giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Tuesday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Geoffrey Eddison and Hazel Baker-Maddox got married last Friday in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

The theme of the evening sermon tonight will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practise.

Eight new choir robes are urgently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The boy scouts are seeking aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Potluck supper Sunday at five PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This weekend there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and a flask and be prepared to sin.

The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Monday at seven-fifteen PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement this Friday at seven PM. The congregation is duly invited to attend this tragedy.

The Weight Watchers meeting is Saturday at eight PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double doors by the side entrance.

Keith Swaffham, the Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: " I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
SUPER TROUPER
By
Abba

Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
Like I always do
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

I was sick and tired of everything
When I called you last night from Glasgow
All I do is eat and sleep and sing
Wishing every show was the last show
(Wishing every show was the last show)
So imagine I was glad to hear you're coming
(Glad to hear you're coming)
Suddenly I feel all right
(And suddenly it's gonna be)
And it's gonna be so different
When I'm on the stage tonight

Tonight the
Super Trouper lights are gonna find me
Shining like the sun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Smiling, having fun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Feeling like a number one
Tonight the
Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Like I always do
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

Facing twenty thousand of your friends
How can anyone be so lonely
Part of a success that never ends
Still I'm thinking about you only
(Still I'm thinking about you only)
There are moments when I think I'm going crazy
(Think I'm going crazy)
But it's gonna be alright
(You'll soon be changing everything)
Everything will be so different
When I'm on the stage tonight

Tonight the
Super Trouper lights are gonna find me
Shining like the sun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Smiling, having fun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Feeling like a number one
Tonight the
Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Like I always do
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

So I'll be there when you arrive
The sight of you will prove to me I'm still alive
And when you take me in your arms
And hold me tight
I know it's gonna mean so much tonight

Tonight the
Super Trouper lights are gonna find me
Shining like the sun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Smiling, having fun
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Feeling like a number one
Tonight the
Super Trouper beams are gonna blind me
But I won't feel blue
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
Like I always do
(Sup-p-per Troup-p-per)
'Cause somewhere in the crowd there's you

[repeat and fade]
=

HORSY POSSESSION
By
Bob Beefburger

Red Rum, Phar Lap powering down the home straight,
Running sure and true,
Like you used to do,
I feel such kinship with you.

I was feeling strange as anything,
When I called you last night from Tesco,
I hope you'll forgive the whinnying,
I keep doing it, why I don't know,
(Doing it why I don't know)
I've been having these dreams where I'm running,
(Well, it's really more a gallop)
In some event at Fontwell Park,
(Or Plumpton or Brighton?)
Lots of people cheering then I
Wake up puffing in the dark.

They're off...!
It's Red Rum, Phar Lap speeding down the home run,
Running sure and true,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Like you used to do,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Guess I feel kinship with you.
See them go...!
Shergar, Mill Reef
Slipping past the 'Win' post
Noble as can be,
(N-no-ble, n-no-ble)
Two tip-top gee-gees,
(Top gee-gees, top gee-gees)
But nowhere near as fast as me!

Don't know why I'm chomping at the bit,
Guess it's something I ate for supper?
Filling up on burgers, buns and chips,
With the usual evening cuppa,
(The usual evening cuppa)
Usually I'm really very lazy
(He's really flipping lazy)
Now I'm skittish as a colt,
(You ought to see him prancing)
But since those Tesco burgers
I'd beat even Usain Bolt!

I see them...!
Red Rum, Phar Lap sweeping down the home run,
Super, sure and true,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Like you used to do,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
I such feel kinship with you.
There they go...!
Shergar, Mill Reef
Slipping past the 'Win' post,
Noble as can be
(N-no-ble, n-no-ble)
Two tip-top gee-gees,
(Tippy-top, tippy-top)
But nowhere super-fast as me!

I'm going now, for I can't wait,
I've got this ever so important morning date,
I've got to be in Epsom Downs
By five-to-eight,
I'm running the first race, so can't be late!

I see you...!
Red Rum, Phar Lap powering down the home straight,
Running sure and true,
(Run Red Rum, run Phar Lap!)
Like you used to do,
(Run Red-Rum, run Phar Lap!)
I feel a kinship with you.
There they go...!
Shergar, Mill Reef
Slipping past the 'Win' post,
Noble as can be,
(N-no-ble, n-no-ble)
Two tip-top gee-gees,
(Tippy-top, tippy-top)
But nowhere near as fast as me!

[Keep up, people, 'cause I'm galloping!]

Christopher Sturdy with:
One careless young queer in Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up into his room.
They argued that night
Over who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom.
=

That quarrel, so hard they were thrown
With outrage, high dudgeon and moan,
Oh, it was such a hoot,
Kinky homo dispute
Having _bottom_ line: "Each to their own"

Dharam Khalsa with:
Look before you leap.

He who hesitates is lost.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

It's fine to be busy; just don't let it get on your nerves.

The meaning of life lies in serving; the value of life in giving.

Live up to your role and status, and fulfill your required duties.

Deal with matters with wisdom, and care for people with compassion.

An ordinary mind is a mind of utmost freedom and unsurpassed joy.

Rectify deviations with wisdom; accommodate others with compassion.

The busy make the most of time; the diligent enjoy the best of health.

Only after encounters with hardships will one be roused to vigorous diligence.

Work swiftly in an orderly fashion; never compete with time in a nervous flurry.

Bodily ailments do not necessarily constitute suffering; an unsettled mind does.

The deeper our compassion, the greater our wisdom and the fewer our vexations.

To uplift our character, begin with cultivating peace in mind, body, family and activity.

Be a down-to-earth person with a broad mind; be a sure hand with piercing foresight.

The relationship between a husband and wife is governed by marital ethics, not logic.

Scrutinize ourselves with a sense of shame, but view the world with a sense of gratitude.

Wisdom is not knowledge, nor experience, nor dialectical excellence, but a selfless attitude.

As long as we still have breath, we have boundless hope, and the breath we have is the greatest wealth.

Keep your ears and eyes wide open, but mouth tight shut; be quick with your hands and legs, but slow to spend.

To take on tough tasks, one must prepare to tough out complaints, and to be in charge is to be in for criticism. Yet complaints
help foster compassion and patience, and criticism often holds golden advice.

Grasp opportune conditions when they come, create them when there are none, and ere conditions ripen, never force a thing to be done.

=

Better late than never.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

Cultivate a big heart, but a small ego.

Our needs are few; our wants are many.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Every child is a little bodhisattva that helps the parents grow.

To be accommodating to others is to be accommodating to ourselves.

Stay at ease under all circumstances, and give whenever conditions allow.

Our value depends not on how long we live, but on how much we contribute.

Kindness and compassion have no enemies; wisdom engenders no vexations.

A positive life pivots on modesty; the bigger the ego, the greater the insecurity.

In peace and harmony, seize the promise of today, and live out a fresh tomorrow.

The purpose of life is to receive karmic results, fulfill old vows, and make new ones.

By just picking up litter and refraining from littering, we are doing meritorious deeds.

To be grateful and repay kindness-this is first; to benefit others is to benefit ourselves.

Pursue only what you can and should acquire. Never pursue what you can't and shouldn't acquire.

The best way to abstain from greed is to give more, contribute more, and share more with others.

In harmony with self and so with others, both in mind and in speech, one is full of joy and happiness.

When good things happen, we should rejoice in, praise, encourage, and then learn from them in modesty.

Who is willing to be openly exploited is noble-minded; who is insulted and insidiously exploited is dim-witted.

To let the circumstances dictate one's state of mind is human; to let the mind dictate the circumstances is sage.

When faced with any difficulty of life, resolve it by following these four steps: face it, accept it, deal with it, and then let it go.

Before you open your mouth to speak, think twice and chew your words carefully. The point is not to hold your peace, but to speak
with discretion and prudence.

Adie Pena with:
VERSES LEFT BY MR. POPE
by Alexander Pope

With no poetic ardour fir'd
I press the bed where Wilmot lay;
That here he lov'd, or here expir'd,
Begets no numbers grave or gay.

Beneath thy roof, Argyle, are bred
Such thoughts as prompt the brave to lie
Stretch'd out in honour's nobler bed,
Beneath a nobler roof - the sky.

Such flames as high in patriots burn,
Yet stoop to bless a child or wife;
And such as wicked kings may mourn,
When freedom is more dear than life.

=

(CONTRO)VERS(I)ES LEFT BY THE POPE

Paolo Gabriele of the "VatiLeaks,"
Our blabbering butler got the pardon!
Pedophiles, the newsworthy show freaks,
Expect a shy young boy's hard-on!

Bumbling, the stubborn Shepherd said:
Evil and inhuman brothers there!
Nasty critical word for Mohammed,
Errors uttered by God's Rottweiler!

Do be 'same-sex marriage' free
In chunky-heeled Prada shoes!
Condoms perhaps increase HIV?
The fortunate few from Hitler Youth!

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