Complete list of nominations for March, 2013

MARCH 2013 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2013

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The fictional hero James Bond =
I often charm ladies on the job.

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
Claude Oscar Monet: Water Lilies series of paintings =
Created sensational images: flower pictures in oils.

3rd - Larry Brash with:
The singer Adele =
A serene delight.

Adie Pena with:
Harlem Globetrotters =
Get more tall brothers!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"A Treasury of the World's Best Loved Poems" =
Overdose of purest wealth by old masters.

View with:
Harlem Shake videos =
Ah, shared moves! Like!

Scott Gardner with:
The British archaeologist Lara Croft =
A hot girl to chase horrible artifacts

Scott Gardner with:
English thespian Patrick Stewart =
Capt. sailing the new Star Trek ship

nedesto with:
The Daffodils, a poem written by William Wordsworth =
Winter withdrew amid paths of yellow blooms adrift.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Late Show With David Letterman =
Mirth that we howl at, and televised

Tony Crafter with:
'Ode To A Nightingale' by the romantic poet John Keats =
That long neat poem to a songbird? Heck I hate enjoy it!

Christopher Sturdy with:
I broadcast bits on ~
BBC radio stations.

Adie Pena with:
The Beatles split-up ~
has upset "Let It Be" LP.

Rick with:
Fyodor Dostoevsky's "Crime and Punishment"=
A proud story of the sick mind's envy, demons.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
South American Pope ~
has impact on Europe.

2nd - Ed Pegg Jr with:
Venezuela high office ‡
Hugo "I feel fine" Chavez.

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
A snowy Britain ~
saw a tiny robin.

Meyran Kraus with:
What antiheroic staff is due an Oscar soon? =
The Association of South African Wardens. ;)

View with:
The Pope's resignation =
He got a priest pension.

Larry Brash with:
The Papal elections =
Episcopal talent, eh?

Rosie Perera with:
Man lost in sinkhole =
Stones kill him anon.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
The Conclave of Cardinals ‡
can have no fat old clerics

Adie Pena with:
Tampa, Florida sinkhole ~
has killed a poor fit man.

Adie Pena with:
Venezuela's capital has grief, hatred for ~
late President Hugo Rafael Chavez Fr�as.

Rosie Perera with:
Former TSA chief favors axes and machetes on planes =
That sharp offer means dramas, an excess of violence.

Tony Crafter with:
William and Kate's d... =
Lawd! Kid isn't a male?

David Bourke with:
From a cardinal to The Pope =
To "Head of Claptrap in Rome".

Dharam Khalsa with:
First Barbie Doll introduced by Mattel =
Drab, diet-trim, blonde social butterfly.

Rob Bretveld with:
Smart gun control legislation =
Minor cost, still an urgent goal.

View with:
The large sugary drinks =
Risky. Danger. Slaughter.

Rosie Perera with:
Black Smoke rises up from Sistine Chapel chimney =
Humbly mistaken clerics face skirmishes, no pope.

Rosie Perera with:
Tech blackout inside the Papal Conclave =
Vatican can block pope-elect details, huh?

Dharam Khalsa with:
The swarms of locusts in Israel =
Further loss as insects aim low.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Pope Francis the First =
RC priest? He's a pontiff!

Christopher Sturdy with:
The new pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio =
Job helped poor region grow - e.g. Latin America.

Rosie Perera with:
North Korea's nuclear weapons capabilities =
Apparent bellicose hack nation worries USA.

Meyran Kraus with:
Pope Francis the First =
Faith's finer prospect.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The newly-elected Pope Francis the First =
Why replace the eldest pontiff in secret?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Easter Rabbit =
Beats rarebit!

Rosie Perera with:
Helicopter prison escape =
Hope police car is present!

Rick Rothstein with:
The first Pope named Francis =
Pontiff: A preacher's mind set.

View with:
Alexis Wright =
Sex with a girl.

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Larry Brash with:
Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum.
=
I'm so great,
I'm a success,
I'm an ace academic,
I'm no communist,
I'm unmarried,
I'm beloved, unique, superb fun
I'm a blessed man
I'm religious
I'm no carousing German man

I'm the Pope!

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
I'm a man coming from Argentina;
I became successor via subpoena;
Guided in minimum requirement,
I said Mass in cumbersome raiment;
I'm mum on scum colleagues' pedophilia!

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum
=
I am summoned.
I panic, am quivering, "Um, um, umm..." because...
It seems I am chosen.
It means I must reside in Rome.
I succumb.
I am no longer Cardinal Bergoglio.
I am named Pope Francis!

Christopher Sturdy with:
"Habemus Papam; Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum, Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio, Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
Conclave choice in Rome is a measured, mumbling, Buenos Aires dude.

"I supersede a German OAP. I'm First Among Equals because I'm common! Minimum training is minimum impact."

Rosie Perera with:
"Habemus Papam; Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum, Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio, Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
Madam, I'm Adam. Human representative of Second Adam, I mean. I'm quite simple, unceremonious, securing minimum mammon. I am seeing big issues: succoring poor, Bible crucial.

Tony Crafter with:
"Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
"Bugger me!" I murmur (or, in Italian, "Mamma mia!") Mere, inconspicuous dumdum's commissioned to be Pope Francis? I can see devilish consequences. Bugger me!" (in Italian: "Mamma mia!")

nedesto with:
Habemus Papam; Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio, Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum
=
Mamma Mia! I come giving immense embraces and merits to our unsung icon; Big Baron; Mr. miraculous mendicant himself: PAPA!

(Cue music: "Pie Iesu Domine, dona eis requiem" ... SLAM!)

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."

=

Incoming Francis' message:

"I'm a religious man;
No impoverished bum.
I'm a quiet man;
No corrupt bum.
I'm a nice man;
No misguided bum.
I'm a leader, real success --
I summon peacetime."

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
Resume:

In sum, "Papa Pancho" (common image)
met basic minimum requirements, or more, in academics, music,
and if summoned, is available to begin religious guidance in summer.

Adie Pena with:
"Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
Minimum requirements for Benedict's replacement:
- I'm in command ground up
- I have superb causes
- I'm magnanimous
- I am sagacious
- I'm sublime
- I manage real common idiocies.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum
=
Must I rue big-ecumenism momentum meaning I approve Mormon baptism, queendom I aid is misused, and a lesbian-marriage caucus is female clerics I commune among in choir?

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
Memo, in sum (minimum):

"Catholics assume a Pope!
Equanimous, mum on crime mass media dug up.
Argentinian Cardinal Bergoglio in immediate service,
Becomes Francis Number I."

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
Mamma, I'm begging...I need medicine men,
clinicians, cramp-numbing chemicals, besides
a sanitorium, vomitorium, crematorium, or mausoleum
for Pope queasiness, ad nauseum!

Andrew Brehaut with:
"Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
Imagine a dim, mummified Caucasian-Argentinian religious museum item becomes emperor, commands communions and proclaims spiritualism via cheque numbers.

Be gone!

Ellie Dent with:
Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Berg
oglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
Roman Catholic communities' mission;
Argentinian man, glimpsed in a cumbersome cummerbund, is summoned.
'I'm unique. I'm of use.
I receive God's immeasurable grace.
I am Papa.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
I'm not pure Catholic, Mormon, Muslim imam, or Anglican
(I'm American), but I assume incoming Pope Francis is a
unique Divine-guided gem --
(and I remember 'assume' becomes 'ass-u-me').

Christopher Sturdy with:
"Habemus Papam; Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum, Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio, Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
Misguided Commerce announces South American Pope

A commemorative "mass" mug
A Bible inscribed "God is in me"
A premium relic
A mini nun figurine

A minimal sum. Quote "MASS"

Richard Brodie with:
"Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
Heraldumbin Possessemus Popam
Emminenestimum reverendestinum
Omnisium Godium Italiae Sacriciae Imamium
Bergoglio Quoom grabacen namecin Franciscandicum

View with:
"Habemus Papam; Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum, Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio, Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
Damn crisis: Vatican chose man, so man became Pope.
Unsurprising resume:
I'm unique, firm, lucid.
I'm ambitious, commendable.
I'm genuine, commemorated.
I'm a religious, sage man.

Ellie with:
Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Berg
oglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."
=
God's ecumenical mission moves me, an Argentinian, to Rome.
I react: I am bemused; A curious mob queues up.
I'm clad in a shimmering cummerbund.
I am smiling; I am Pope ... me, Francis!

aschwebel with:
"Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."

=

A Big claim:

Remember our current age;

Human beings deserve equal respect. Man is a people of common mind.

Discussion is a minimum, communication's a minimum.

I am as I guide.

Mey K. with:

"Habemus Papam;
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Georgium Sanctae Romanae Ecclesiae Cardinalem Bergoglio,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Franciscum."

=

Some claim our Pope became quite deaf. In a dumb memo, our Immaculate Man is declaring a moratorium on dance music in mines, presuming his men's big vice is 'amusing miners'.

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE 12 LABOURS OF HERCULES

1. Slay the Nemean Lion.
2. Slay the nine-headed Lernaean Hydra.
3. Capture the Golden Hind of Artemis.
4. Capture the Erymanthian Boar.
5. Clean the Augean stables in a single day.
6. Slay the Stymphalian Birds.
7. Capture the Cretan Bull.
8. Steal the Mares of Diomedes.
9. Obtain the girdle of Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons.
10. Obtain the cattle of the monster Geryon.
11. Steal the apples of the Hesperides (He had the help of Atlas to pick them after Hercules had slain Ladon).
12. Capture and bring back Cerberus.

=

THE 12 MEANS HE EMPLOYED

1. Clubbing, then strangulation required.
2. Multiple decapitations.
3. He chased that deer for a year...
4. ... then pursued a pig.
5. Ugh! Up to his neck in horseshit.
6. Skill at archery slays feathered opponents.
7. He near throttled it to death.
8. He fed horses human flesh to placate them before capture.
9. He battled many feral female assailants to bag a babe's belt!
10. He ran across the Libyan desert and he finally got 'em in Erytheia.
11. Unable to cope alone, so pal lent a hand.
12. He snatched a crazy canine from Hell.

2nd - nedesto with:
Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he'd blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope summoned the priest to Rome.

"Now look here, Father," said the Pope, "We want peace between the British and the Irish. You are not helping matters at all. Kiss my ring and then swear by the Virgin that you'll never ever mention the British again."

"But ... " the priest stammered.

"No buts," said the Pope. "Swear here and swear now or there'll be official trouble!"

"Aye, Holy Father," frowned the father. "All right."

The very next Sunday was Easter, and the caustic priest was back in the pulpit giving the annual Easter sermon.

He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And so now one of you will betray Me."

The priest continued: "Then Saint Andrew lept up and said, 'Tis me Lord?' and the Lord said, 'Nay, Andy darlin'. Here now, sit down and dunna worry.'

"Then Saint John got up with tears in his eyes and cried, 'Or me Lord?' And the Lord said, 'Nay Nay, relax Johnny me boy, it's not you. Here now, sit down and dunna fret.'

"And then that wicked worthless mongrel Judas Iscariot slowly rose to his feet. And when he looked at the Lord he said, 'Blimey, Mate. Are ya thinking it's me?"

=

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet, walks into the pub and orders three beers.

The bartender draws the man three pints which he drinks alone.

An hour later he orders three more. This happens yet again.

The next evening the Irishman again orders the usual three pints at a time. And again. Soon the entire town is whispering about Old Three Pints.

A few days later, the bartender broaches the subject guardedly. "I sure don't mean to pry, okay? We're just wondering why is it do you always get three pints?" he says.

The man replies, "I've two brothers, you see. Paddy is in America, and Neil is in Australia. We always get some beers for each other to maintain the family bond."

With this answer Old Three Pints became a local celebrity and source of pride to the town.

Then, one day, he walks in and orders only two pints. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This went on the whole night. The word flies around town.

The next day, the bartender says, "We'd all just wanted to offer our sympathy to you for the loss of your brother. You know... two pints and all..."

The man ponders this a moment, and replies, "Oh Paddy and Neil are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

3rd - Ellie Dent with:
One Sunday morning, a married couple attended a service at their local church. The man was so moved by the sermon, he went to shake the preacher's hand. 'Well, Reverend, that was stunning! - the best damn sermon I've heard!' The Reverend replied, 'Why, thank you, but I'll appreciate it if you avoid using profanity in our Lord's house.'

=

'Sorry, Reverend. I can't help myself. It was awesome; such ideas, and a damn fine sermon!' 'Thanks,' replied the Reverend, 'but I can't have you behaving that way - an impure way - in a Church.' 'OK, Reverend, but I thought your sermon was so damn good, I put three thousand dollars there in the collection plate.'

'No shit!' replied the Reverend.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Missing Wife Found by Alaskan State Troopers

The day after his cherished wife Peggy disappeared in a kayaking mishap, the Anchorage man answered his door. Two grim-faced troopers stood there. "Mr. Wilkens, we have information about your wife," one of the highway men started frostily.

"Thanks! Tell me, how did you find Peggy?" Mr. Wilkens asked.

The trooper duo looked at each other, and one answered bluntly, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. But, which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, a dazed Mr. Wilkens winced and said "Give me the bad news first."
~
The trooper said, "Okay, I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. Wilkens, but this morning a kayaker saw a dead body in a dense seaweed mass in Kachemak Bay, and we have identified the body as your wife.

"Oh my God!" Wilkens said, swallowing hard, "What's the good news?"

The trooper said, "When we pulled her up, there were twelve twenty-pound King crabs and five good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her. It seemed only fair to offer the family a share of the seafood catch."

Mr. Wilkens stammered and asked, "If...if...if that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper smiled, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Four Agreements - Don Miguel Ruiz
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.
=
Anagram:
1. Speak with integrity.
2. Nothing we other slobs do is caused by you.
3. Don't presume to know all men, dumdum.
4. Really try (not because of a prize).

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Four Agreements - Don Miguel Ruiz
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.
=
1. Say what you mean, but uplift. Include good grammar.
2. Most people do not intend to be cruel.
3. When it's a sheer mystery, ask.
4. Work busily and organize.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The Four Agreements - Don Miguel Ruiz
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don't take anything personally.
3. Don't make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.=
1. A key to annual success is truth.
2. Meddling employer won't harm the spirit.
3. No need to presume, but be fully aware.
4. Good work is amazing to anybody.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Top Twelve Anagrammy Rankings:
Meyran Kraus
Tony Crafter
Nedesto
Adie Pena
Dharam Khalsa
Larry Brash
Scott Gardner
Ellie Dent
David Bourke
Chris Sturdy
View
Mike Mesterton-Gibbons
=
Summary:
Unbroken records
Dynamic star
Astonishing
Remarkable
Overtaken by new talent
The Leader
Steadfast
Artsy dreamer
Randy, wicked sot
Global aid giver
Moving up
Sharp thinker

Dharam Khalsa with:
Observation by George Carlin on "Euphemistic Language" we have adopted. In the name of civility, we gladly decided to change words labeled negative to milder, notably misleading, synonyms.

1. Shell shock
2. Toilet paper
3. Sneakers
4. False teeth
5. Information
6. Dump
7. Car crash
8. House trailer
9. Used car
10. Contra killer
11. Imbecile
12. Deaf
13. Constipation
14. Poor

=

Now we have agreed it's better to say:

1. PTSD
2. Bathroom tissue
3. Running shoes
4. Dental appliances
5. Directory assistance
6. Landfill
7. Automobile accident
8. Mobile home
9. Previously owned vehicle
10. Freedom fighter
11. Mentally challenged
12. Hearing impaired
13. Occasional irregularity
14. Economically disadvantaged (OK, aren't those people "f*cking broke!?")

Dharam Khalsa with:
Newly-elected Pope Francis walked into a bar and ordered a beer. "That's twenty dollars," demanded the bartender. The Pope reached into his pocket, pulled out a twenty-dollar bill, and gave it to the bartender.

=

The bartender collected and kept the twenty, and kidded, "Lord, we almost never see a Pope in the bar!" At last, after downing a beer, the Pope declared blandly, "Lord, at that darn price, I doubt you will see another."

Adie Pena with:
EIGHT CREEPY MYSTERY INGREDIENTS IN FAST FOOD*
1. Duck feathers and human hair (L-cysteine)
2. Sand (silicone dioxide)
3. Wood (cellulose)
4. Silly Putty plastic (dimethylpolysiloxane)
5. Petroleum-derived preservatives (TBHQ)
6. Soil fertilizer (ammonium sulfate)
7. Beetle juices (carminic acid, confectioner's glaze)
8. Meat paste-goop (mechanically separated meat)

=

1. Simple doughnut; excellent pizza
2. Meat in chili con carne
3. More fiber content in cheese, syrup?
4. Eat fetid potato fries!
5. Diesel oil in a lovely mealtime salad?
6. 'Yeast food' for rich delicate bread, small exquisite pastry
7. Deceptively reddish color (sweet jam/preserve, delightful sauce); resin (yummy nougat candy)
8. 'Pink slime' (picnic hot dogs, tasty salami)

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - nedesto with:
1. Brusque; mean
6. Underestimate
11. Propose
12. Minks
14. Mutiny
15. A nascent sun
16. Sol
17. A giant gaseous planet
19. Harness; strap
20. A wee lad
21. Tavern; saloon (8,4)
25. A church
27. Worried
29. Whisper at him or her "Hey you..."
31. SSN equivalent (6,9,6)
33. Acreage
35. Urchin
36. Lloyd's of London, e.g.
39. Incipience (8,4)
41. Arctic; bitter
42. A tear
46. Zodiac
48. All our pennies contain it
49. Hotelier
51. Senseless
52. Appropriate
53. Sure was one remote planet
54. Stretch
55. Felicitously

=

1. Unpalatable
2. Usual observances
3. Union
4. I zap hair
5. Yard construction (9,12)
6. Illness
7. Alien phoning home?
8. Reins
9. A dye
10. PC time-waster
13. War deity
18. Not hers
22. Spook's month
23. Super___
24. Quasi-stellar
26. A part in ears
28. Articulate
30. Sun-centered revolution
31. I play racquet games in here (7,5)
32. ___ minor
34. Genuine patriots
37. Portfolio
38. Plus; also
40. Watch; see
43. Seamen's deity
44. Connected
45. The Oracle was seen in here
47. Scarf
50. Hector, e.g.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
ASSISI
by Norman MacCaig

The dwarf with his hands on backwards
sat, slumped like a half-filled sack
on tiny twisted legs from which
sawdust might run,
outside the three tiers of churches built
in honour of St Francis, brother
of the poor, talker with birds, over whom
he had the advantage
of not being dead yet.

A priest explained
how clever it was of Giotto
to make his frescoes tell stories
that would reveal to the illiterate the goodness
of God and the suffering
of His Son. I understood
the explanation and
the cleverness.

A rush of tourists, clucking contentedly,
fluttered after him as he scattered
the grain of the Word. It was they who had passed
the ruined temple outside, whose eyes
wept pus, whose back was higher
than his head, whose lopsided mouth
said Grazie in a voice as sweet
as a child's when she speaks to her mother
or a bird's when it spoke
to St Francis.

BY YOUR GRACE ALONE

Almighty, eternal, just, and merciful God,
grant us in our misery
to do for You alone
what we know You want us to do,
and always
to desire what pleases You.
Thus,
inwardly cleansed,
interiorly enlightened,
and inflamed by the fire of the Holy Spirit,
may we be able to follow
in the footprints of Your beloved Son,
our Lord Jesus Christ.
And,
by Your grace alone,
may we make our way to You
Most High,
Who live and rule
in perfect Trinity and simple Unity,
and are glorified
God all-powerful
forever and ever.
Amen

=

PRAYER OF SAINT FRANCIS

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

THE PRAYER BEFORE THE CRUCIFIX

Most high,
glorious God,
let your light fill the shadows of my heart
and grant me, Lord,
true faith,
certain hope,
perfect love,
awareness and knowing,
that I may fulfill Your holy will.

BROTHERS AND SISTERS, GOOD EVENING

"First of all, I would like to say a prayer for our bishop emeritus, Benedict XVI. Let us all pray together for him, let us all pray together for him so that the Lord my bless him and that the Madonna may protect him."

WE WHO SHUN OLD DAYS OF SAD SHADOWS

Pope Francis, His Holiness
Of the new Hallowed City,
Primate of Italy, watchfully
Educate the wounded woeful to be
Faithful and zealous, wash away dusty shadows of dusk,
Rescue the sad seduced child who asks unknowingly.
Awaken the wasteful wicked; do show us a
New nation we can build on
Christ's body of anguish.
Ignite us, watch us to succeed, be good
Servants of God, Knights of Sodality.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER
By
Paul Simon

"The problem is all inside your head," she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself, at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Ooh slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

Slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
=

50 WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR LOVER
(Do Not Go Gentle)
By
I. O. Bey

"Your problems mostly lie beneath the duvet," she told me;
"I wrote a book and it explains a thing or three,
The bed's a place of folly, pain and joy, and so you see
You must have fifty ways to please your lover."

She said, "Hey, I don't want to be discourteous or rude,
But I hear say your prowess in the boudoir is, well... crude,
So if you're lying, in confusion, in the nude,
You've got those fifty ways to please your lover
Yes, fifty ways to tease your lover."

You just jump in the sack, Mac
Tie up her feet, Pete,
To the foot of yo' bed, Ned
Yes, listen to me.
Truss up the hands, Dan,
Go as rough as you like, Mike
Slap her backside Clyde
But don't set her free.

You just jump in the sack, Mac,
Tie up the feet, Pete
To the foot of yo' bed, Ned,
Yes, listen to me.
Truss up the hands, Dan,
Be as cruel as you like, Mike,
Make her bum sting, Bing,
Just don't let her free.

She said coyly, "Every woman loves her pleasure with a sting,
Now, all that lovey-dovey nonsense just don't mean a thing,
But lying, cruelly locked in shackles sure gives you a zing
In joyous ways."

She urged, "Go buy my book and you'll find out about it all,
Wow, it's joyful being cuffed up to a cellar wall!"
So I groaned softly, "Yes I'm willing and I'm cool
To try one of fifty ways to please your lover.
Fifty ways to tease your lover."

You just jump in the sack, Mac,
Tie up her feet, Pete
To the foot of yo' bed Ned,
Just don't set her free.
Truss up the hands, Dan,
Be as cruel as you like, Mike,
Whack her backside, Clyde
Just don't let her free.

Jump in the sack, Mac,
Tie up the feet, Pete
To the foot of yo' bed, Ned,
Just listen to me.
Truss up the hands, Dan,
Go as tough as you like, Mike,
Make her bum sting, Bing,
But don't set her free.

nedesto with:
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
=
All winter had the lily lain
Encased so in old savage cold
Arcane snow has thawed out to rain
Oh, follows faded flash of gold!

Tony Crafter with:
BUMPER STICKERS:

The older I get, the better I was.

Be nice to your kids; they will pick out your nursing home.

I finally get my head together and my ass collapses!

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail friends.

"Auntie Em; Hate you, hate Kansas, Taking the dog" Dorothy.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

No Radio - Already Stolen.

There are just 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

I expect to live for ever - so far, so good.
Nobody's perfect - I am a Nobody.

Gravity is not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Clinton ruined a dress. Obama ruined a nation.

Wife and dog missing. Reward for dog.
My other car's a broom.

If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I would be unstoppable.

Make the little things count. Teach midgets maths.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

If you're gonna ride my ass, at least pull my hair!

Horn busted, watch for finger.

Welcome to England - Now speak English!

My other bumper sticker is funny.

My other ride is your Ma.

EXTRA CAUTION: Driver applying makeup.

Never have a heart attack while playing charades.
I CAN drive this car; I just choose to do so terribly.

If life gives you peanuts, make peanut butter.

Dyslexics Untie!

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

I have PMS and a handgun. Any questions?

Why can't women learn to put the toilet seat back up?

=

A POTPOURRI OF GLEE
(Ten Jokes)

Went on vacation to the Canary Islands. I searched everywhere but couldn't find one canary. So I went to the Virgin Islands.
No feckin' canaries there either.

A guy goes into a barbershop advertising David Beckham-type haircuts. Ten minutes later, he looks in the mirror to see his scalp erratically shaven and cuts peppering his head.

"Oy! That's not how David Beckham has his hair cut!" protests the man.
The barber replies: "he would if he came here."

O'Toole telephoned Easyjet to book an economy flight.
"How many people are flying with you?" enquired the operator.
"I dunno!" replied O'Toole, "it's your f***ing plane!"

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the evening.
After 3 hours of mindboggling sex, Murphy lay back, lit a cigarette and said:
"Gee, I wonder how da girls are getting on?"

I've fitted some natty strobe lighting in the bedroom; it makes my wife look like she's moving during sex.

Such an unjust world: When a kinky man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment.
When a kinky woman talks dirty to a man it's 3 min (charges may vary).

If you receive an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from ham, delete it immediately. It's Spam.

If you get an email saying: "Nude picture of Susan Boyle!" don't open it.
It's a nude picture of Susan Boyle.

I got a new stick of deodorant today.
The instructions said: 'Remove cap and push up bottom'.
I can barely walk, but when I fart the room smells quite lovely.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Easter riddles (answers are below):

1. What do you have if you pour hot water in a rabbit hole?
2. How can you tell which rabbits are getting older?
3. What do you call four hundred rabbits all hopping backwards?
4. What happens if you mix up a computer manual and a cookbook?
5. What is the difference between a counterfeit banknote and a crazy bunny?
6. What do you get if you cross a bunny and an onion?
7. Why did the egg go to Switzerland?
8. What did the bunny plan to do after he grew up?
9. What do you call a mischievous egg?
10. What does a bunny use when it's cooking in the kitchen?
11. What did the egg do when another egg told it a joke?
12. How do you make a rabbit stew?
13. Why did the Easter egg hide?
14. Why was the Easter Bunny upset?
15. What did the chick say after his mum laid an orange?
16. How does the Easter Bunny keep his fur neat?
17. What kind of books do rabbits like?
18. What did the two eggs say as they were being boiled in a sauce pan?
19. Why can't a rabbit's nose be twelve inches long?
20. Who wrote Great Eggs-pectations?
21. What do rabbits get when it rains?
22. What day do chickens hate the most?
23. How do spring chickens stay in shape?
24. Why did the naked egg cross the road?
25. How does the Easter Bunny stay in shape?
26. What happens if you play table tennis with a bad egg?
27. Why couldn't the rabbit take a plane home for Easter?
28. How does a chick fit in the shell?
29. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
30. What do you get if you cross a chicken and a Martian?
=
1. Watch out, now! We would get a hot cross bun-ny.
2. We would pick out the grey hares.
3. As the barber would say, a receding hare-line.
4. I hope we'd come up with a customized Egg-shell spreadsheet.
5. One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny.
6. The new hybrid word we want would be 'bunion'.
7. It wanted to yolkel.
8. When this baby rabbit is an adult, he wants to go join the Hare Force.
9. A practical yolker.
10. No doubt, in his occupation as baker, he has to use a puffy hare-net.
11. It broke down and cracked up.
12. You begin by making the fellow wait two hours.
13. It was a cowardly pantywaist, had a touch of phobia, and was a little chicken.
14. That chap must have been having a bad hare day!
15. He guffawed in awe, "Oh boy, look at what marmalade!"
16. The white bunny wears a sophisticated top hat and stylized waistcoat with buttons and pockets, and to beautify himself, he whisks out a handy hare-brush.
17. Any storybook with a hoppy ending.
18. One befuddled egg yelped in shock, "Owwwwww, it's hot in here!" with the other gasping, "Aarghhhh, a talking egg!"
19. Because then it would be a foot!
20. The noted author Charles Chickens.
21. Anybody know? Wet!
22. Wednesday, a weekday or a weekend day? No...chickens dread Fry-day!
23. They do eggs-ercises!
24. It was bound straight for the Shell station in town.
25. He has an ambitious habit of doing hare-obics.
26. First it goes ping, then it goes pong.
27. He didn't have the exact hare fare.
28. Egg-sactly!
29. Bugs Bunny.
30. An eggs-traterrestrial.

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