Complete list of nominations for April, 2013

APRL 2013 NOMINATIONS

Anagrammy Awards > Nomination Archives > 2013

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
Alfred Hitchcock Presents =
Half-decent script shocker.

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
Masterchef finalist =
Crafts this fine meal.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
English movie: 'The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel' =
Maggie Smith excels in it. Love her! (the old boot).

View with:
The Oscar winner =
One new rich star.

George Sicherman with:
You and she do sing ~
"Good Day Sunshine".

nedesto with:
The Creation of Adam is Michelangelo's masterpiece =
A made-at-home ceiling fresco at Sistine Chapel, Rome.

George Sicherman with:
Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds =
His synthetic would kid many.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Ben Stiller in Greenberg: "Life is wasted on people." =
One "bleeping" tense, irritable, depressing fellow!

George Sicherman with:
Sweet Caroline =
Ace wrote lines

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond =
Nice words beat in a melody line.

Dean Mayer with:
The Top Gear lads =
"Petrolheads" tag

Ellie Dent with:
The French Impressionist Painter, Claude Monet =
The immortal peonies pictures enchant friends.

Meyran Kraus with:
Disney Pictures film 'Tangled' =
Cruel, if I'd get many split ends!

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Nukes are not a help in ~
the Korean Peninsula.

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
'Iron Lady' Margaret Hilda Thatcher dies. =
Not real tragic. I'm hardly sad. I hated her.

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
'Iron Lady' Margaret Hilda Thatcher dies =
Oh, that's tragic. And I really admired her.

Ed Pegg Jr with:
Third Game of Thrones =
Dream of other things.

View with:
Louis Taylor =
O, lousy trial!

George Sicherman with:
No more Hostess Twinkies =
These irk one, so won't miss.

nedesto with:
Thespian Richard Griffiths, OBE =
In grief, for British chap's death.

Andrew with:
The Baroness Margaret Thatcher has died =
Embarrassing that toads cheer her death.

David Bourke with:
Margaret Hilda Thatcher rest in peace =
Epithet: Real Grantham character dies.

David Bourke with:
Baroness Margaret Hilda Thatcher, rest in peace =
Some anarchist prats are celebrating her death.

View with:
Toyota, Honda, Nissan announce air bag recall =
Nation enhances all your bad cars. O, not again!

George Sicherman with:
April is the cruellest month =
Let's spurn her hot lilac time!

Christopher Sturdy with:
"Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" in the charts =
Thatcher died and song disc, it went high.

Rosie Perera with:
Terror attack beside Boston Marathon finish line =
Another infraction: bombs strike athletes in road.

nedesto with:
Blasts strike fear at the Boston Marathon Monday =
Fatal bomb sank Northeast mothers in tears today.

Ellie Dent with:
The Two Thousand and Thirteen Boston Marathon =
Dawn ... then soon BOOM! that shattered, hurt, nation.

Larry Brash with:
Boston Marathon suspects =
Both persons.... scum! To Satan!

Rosie Perera with:
Chechnyan terrorist =
Search northern city.

Ellie Dent with:
The Boston USA Marathon =
A BOOM haunts Northeast.

Rosie Perera with:
Boston Marathon suspect cornered in boat =
A thousand innocent cops to arrest bomber.

Adie Pena with:
The finish line on Boylston Street =
It's here in Boston the tiny son fell.

Adie Pena with:
The Boston Marathon tragedy =
Oh, boy! Damn! Target: Northeast.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The folk legend Richie Havens ~
delights flock here in Heaven.

nedesto with:
Neil Diamond's soft rock ballad Sweet Caroline =
Boston is clear: "We folk don't need radical Islam!"

Adie Pena with:
The two Tsarnaev brothers =
Brave the worst, Northeast!

Meyran Kraus with:
As Thatcher withers, did she notice ~
'The Witch Is Dead' rose in the charts?

Meyran Kraus with:
The Iron Lady's funeral =
So, finally under earth!

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
The top five recording artists:

1. The Beatles
2. Elvis Presley
3. Madonna
4. Michael Jackson
5. Led Zeppelin
=
1. John's Liverpool lads
2. Tennessee "King"
3. Inept film actress
4. Crazed pedophile act
5. Heavy metal tribe

2nd - Adie Pena with:
THE NICKNAMES OF MARGARET THATCHER
1. Maggie
2. The Grocer's Daughter
3. Iron Lady
4. Milk Snatcher
5. Attilla the Hen
=
1. Motherly
2. The arrant gal
3. The others might agree, America?
4. Cancel the kid drink!
5. Fought matchless Argentina

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
As you breathe right now, another person is taking his last.
So stop complaining and learn to live with what you've got.
=
Gosh, how harsh!
Yes, but this puts it all into perspective and makes one vow not to nag or to whinge irrationally again.

Ellie Dent with:
One chilly October day, a penguin toddled into the 'Sailors Return' for a double whisky, and then asked the barkeeper: 'Hey, man,
~
has my brother Percy been in today?'
The bartender looked carefully at the penguin, and said: 'Dunno, sir. What does he look like?'

Dharam Khalsa with:
"The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose." - Kahlil Gibran
=
G. Stein thinks the tenth plush red bloom that thrives isn't the plot's hottest ambition, "Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose."

Ivan Andonov with:
The terrible massacre in Velika Ivanca near Belgrade =
A maniacal Serb in a redneck village, hits reverberate.

Ellie Dent with:
Real life: You attempt to impress lady-friend, Vivienne, by changing the fuse in your basement, causing a city-wide blackout.
=
Unlike in a fun movie: A film guy playing Bond, eyes a bomb, patiently cuts the correct wire then dares defuse it, saving a city.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Dear Lord,

I pray for the Wisdom to understand my man,
Love to forgive him,
Patience with his moods,
~
and motivated Compassion to him.
However, if I prayed for Strength,
Lord, I would destroy him!

Amen

Andrew with:
At the going down of the sun, we will remember them. Lest we forget. =
The bugle wrestled memories of gentle men who went to fight war.

Dharam with:
Audible humour all observed at the funeral elegy of Lady Thatcher:
~
"Beautiful really, but they should have made the dance floor larger!"

Adie Pena with:
President of the Council of Ministers of the Italian Republic =
Enrico Letta. He is this prominent, often lucid, superb official.

nedesto with:
The first wise man to visit Joseph and Mary whacks his nose on the stable door and thunders deeply, "Well, Jesus Christ!" ~

Joseph himself looks crosswise at his juvenile son, then Mary, and declares, "Shush, write that down! It's better'n Paddy."

Meyran Kraus with:
"Son, your little sister was born after some heavenly stork paid a visit to mom."
=
"Seriously? I don't believe it! So that manly TV repairman was some sort of stork?!"

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman." (Margaret Thatcher)
=
That's a fraud, Maggie. You show me that "a woman of action isn't keen on remarks"... with a damn saying.

eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman." (Margaret Thatcher)
=
Waning woman Thatcher,
Good as men of stature;
I finish a task --
My age? Don't ask!
Anyhow, I am mature.

eq2nd - David Bourke with:
"If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman." (Margaret Thatcher)
=
If you want moronic tosh, ask teenagers. If you want wisdom, then ask a great man...Mahatma Gandhi.

Rosie Perera with:
Ah, a famous madam thinks an awesome working wife can do more than any sitting guy that orates.

Tony Crafter with:
Fair argument. Ok, she had egomania, I know that; yet she was a strong, dynamic woman. I'm a stout fan!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Imagine his image of a haughty woman, who ran country, made a mess and wasn't taken to task for it.

Rob Bretveld with:
Aha, guys forget (if no gain) what a keen dame knows at a minimum-- that actions say more than words.

Meyran Kraus with:
Okay, fine. That motto regarding 'a man' and 'a woman' is not untrue... May I ask which of these was Mags?

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Women now attain maturity ahead of ho-hum gawky snickering oafs. Shame." (stage artist Madonna)

Dharam Khalsa with:
As woman, you weigh tasks and stamina:

Wife
Mother
Confidante
Naughty hooker
Anagrammatist

nedesto with:
May I add, if you want to know how to create neat smashing anagrams, ask the Magians in the forum.

Rosie Perera with:
Hah! If you want Iran attacked, ask antagonist warmonger men. If you want the Messiah, Mom's a god.

Christopher Sturdy with:
A Haiku for Maggie: Thanks, mate. Go home.

What a man I was
From a Winter's discontent
To a sunny day

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
"As we know, I make and do any Tory manifestos. Reagan is the giant mouth."
(A famous Grantham witch)

Adie Pena with:
"I do go easy on a smart minister who mouths off when I can make that guy manage a darn task I want."

Dharam Khalsa with:
Okay, guffawing aside, I think the tough woman warrants commemoration, as any head statesman.

Larry Brash with:
A famous woman's task: Her authentic way of doing this... to make mighty sea war on damn Argentina.

View with:
A Womankind against a Mankind - famous, incessant war . Ooh, the Right, Famous, Matey way - Together!

Dharam Khalsa with:
"Ha! Many argue that man's infatuation with women can make or shatter kingdoms," says a good wife.

Ellie Dent with:
They say, the fans, Maggie was a mum to Mark, then a woman of iron - and action - using ideas that work.

Dharam Khalsa with:
"We Can Do It!" that hymn of Rosie's namesake. Guys at war afar; women had automation, making things.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Oh, hawkish men rant,
Mawkish men recant,
Tongues ratify,
Agitate, modify,
As a woman's a good aunt.

Dharam Khalsa with:
No, a woman might seem noisy in a knock-down drag-out argument with a mate that has easy affairs!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Ellie Dent with:
LAWS OF PHYSICS FOR CATS
If physics even applies to any feline...

Law of Cat Inertia
A resting cat will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force such as the opening of any cat food tin, say, or he sees a mouse scurrying past nearby.

Law of Cat Motion
A smart cat will move in a straight line, unless there's a very good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a feline when heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All clothing attracts cat hairs in direct proportion to the degree of colour difference between the cat hairs and colouring of the fabric.

=

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate, hotfoot off, at a constant rate, till he is good and ready to stop.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its flat, smooth state if a cat is present.

The First Law of Energy Conservation
Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. The cat therefore, will use as little as possible himself.

The Second Law of Energy Conservation
A coping cat senses that maximum energy can be stored by a lot of napping of his own.

Law of Mass
A cat's mass increases faithfully in direct proportion to the cushiony comfort of the warm lap/warm chair which he occupies.

The Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.

2nd - nedesto with:
The 80 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns were gathered around the bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried to give her some warm milk but she refused it. One of them, Sister Savanna, took the glass back to the pantry.

Finding a bottle of Irish whiskey that they'd received as a gift the previous Christmas, Savanna opened it and poured a generous amount into the glass.

Back at the Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother had a little, then a bit more and before long she had drank the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," they softly implored in earnest, "Can you please give us some of your wisdom before you go with God."

The Mother eased herself up in bed and with a look of sure piety said, "Don't sell that cow."

=

Not so long ago, Peter, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to confess.

"Oh, forgive my sins, Father. I feel rather terrible because during the war I hid a sorry refugee in the darkness of my attic." he pled.

The understanding padre spoke, "Oh, but that's no sin! Look, I wouldn't feel bad about that."

"But I made the poor man pay me 80 Marks for every week he stayed there."

The padre assured him, "So honestly, it wasn't the most noble thing to do, I suppose; charging to keep him secret. But remember you did help save his life, after all, and that's something at least. Don't worry over it so; Lord Jesus shows mercy."

Thrilled, Peter said, "Oh thank you, Father! That has totally eased my furrowed brow. So, one other thing to ask... do I have to tell him the war's over?"

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Paddy and his wife Jackie were discussing their sex life.

"Can we try dat wheelbarrow position tonight?" he said.

"What da hell's dat?" she asked.

"Well, ya bend over, with ya hands on da floor; then oi lift your legs, move in, and make love to ya from behind," replied Paddy.

"Um... oi guess so," she said, "but oi will only do it on two conditions:
One: If it hurts, ya stop straight away and: Two: Ya make sure we dont go past me mothers house!"

=

Paddy met his friend O'Toole in the street.

O'Toole said: "Paddy, oi wonder if oi could ask ya to draw da bedroom curtains before having passionate sex with your missis in future?"

"Huh? Why is dat?" Paddy asked.

"Because," replied O'Toole, "da whole street was roarin' with laughing when they saw ya both making love last night."

"Really, now?" sniffed Paddy, "Well, da joke is on them nosy dimwits, cos oi wasn't even home last night!"

Adie Pena with:
The Ten Greatest Heavy Metal Bands of All-Time*

10. Jethro Tull
9. Creedence Clearwater Revival
8. The Lords of the New Church
7. Pentangle
6. The B-Fifty Two's
5. Benny Mardones
4. Attila
3. Angel
2. War
1. King Crimson

=

10. Anderson can play the flute
9. Fogerty event
8. Watch Stiv!
7. Clear McShee
6. Kate wants Fred
5. An "Into the Night" matter
4. Billy Joel with Small
3. Meadows' challenge
2. 'General' Eric Burdon
1. The veteran Robert F.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Controversial Kids' Books:

1. "A Wrinkle in Time"
2. "Complete Fairy Tales of the Brothers Grimm"
3. "Hansel and Gretel"
4. "Harry Potter" series
5. "James and the Giant Peach"
6. "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe"
7. "The Little Mermaid"
8. "Little Red Riding Hood"
9. "The Lorax"
10. "Snow White"
=
1. Heathenism
2. The racist element
3. Orphans annihilate the poor witch
4. The dark theme
5. The word "ass" in text
6. Violence is highlighted
7. Bare-breasted maid
8. Wolf in predatory role; little girl took wine to grandmother
9. Rejects forestry
10. Armed man kills wild boar

Rosie Perera with:
Robocall Filtering System and Device with Autonomous Blacklisting, Whitelisting, Graylisting and Caller ID Spoof Detection
=
Magic invention by S. Danis: specific solution to bad calls whilst dining, forwarding telemarketers digitally to go to hell. Cute!

Rosie Perera with:
"Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry)
=
It is certain: to experience the untold beauty of the great outdoors with one's lover, not noticing he's naked, is an amazing good.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
A POEM FOR MARTIN RICHARD
by Angela Beegle

I see you there in your last moments,

Hanging excitedly over the fence

Watching for your daddy, mom and sisters at your side

People swarm and mill around you, unnoticed

But your attention is for only one man

Your young face glows with pride

What might you have been, if you had grown?

What contributions might the world have known?

A scientist, astronaut, fireman brave?

Who knows what lives you might have saved?

Its a haunting image, that one captured frame

The next shutter-click would show a different aim

A trajectory of metal, flung outward

A spiteful curse at the world by strangers

Who dropped their bags and walked away, smirking.

You werent the target. You just happened to be there,

Clinging to the fence, cheering at the finish line,

Best seat in the house, lucky kid!

To watch your daddy finish his race.

=

PEACE

Naked though in its tough resoluteness, oppressive with the chunks

Of a broken dream, why they, the detested two who

Meant to murder and maim

Ordinary humdrum lives on that trustworthy day;

Rubbing out that week of huge fortune, of customary grace, hence

Extinguishing a youthful flame.

Hurling heavy shrapnel into the air

Unflinching in its awkward bitterness and despair.

Ravaging to attack thoughts one day, they cut and defeat

The mighty barricades on Boylston Street.

Incisively affected, wanting to "B Strong,"

Now you wearily turn away to "So Long...

Goodbye, Martin William Richard."

Prejudice accommodates, chooses the worthy.

Every young hopeful watches the wideawake to now

Offer a murmur, a prayer whilst we

Patiently wait for dad Bill as you of eight

Leave behind mom Denise and sister Jane

Endure an excruciating lifelong pain.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
I AM THE WALRUS
By
John Lennon and Paul McCartney

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.
See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly.
I'm crying.

Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come.
Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday.
Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob.

Mister city policeman sitting
Pretty little policemen in a row.
See how they fly like Lucy in the Sky, see how they run.
I'm crying, I'm crying.
I'm crying, I'm crying.

Yellow mother custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye.
Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess,
Boy, you been a naughty girl you let your knickers down.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob.

Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun.
If the sun don't come, you get a tan
From standing in the English rain.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob goo goo g'joob.

Expert textpert choking smokers,
Don't you think the joker laughs at you?
See how they smile like pigs in a sty,
See how they snied.
I'm crying.

Semolina pilchard, climbing up the Eiffel Tower.
Elementary penguin singing Hari Krishna.
Man, you should have seen them kicking Edgar Allan Poe.
I am the eggman, They are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob goo goo g'joob goo goo g'joob.
Goo goo g'joob goo

=

I AM ALMIGHTY
By
Kim Jong-un (The Other Supreme Deity)

I am he, a deity, I'm almighty, yes I am Kim-Jong un,
See people cower at my great power, fall to their knees,
They'd die for me.

Flying on a high cloud, peering at the Earth below,
Great Supreme Commander of the People's Army,
Youngest person to become a Head of State,
I am the Great One, they are the weak ones,
I am almighty, go go g'Jong!

My sweet North Korea,
You'll be one mighty superpower!
People in the US, and the UK too, are busy running scared,
I'm Godlike, I'm mighty.
So rightly, so rightly.

We are going nuclear, there is nothing you can do,
You dogs in South Korea, are cringing in big fear,
Knowing you will soon succumb to our heroic men.
I am the Great One, you are the weak ones,
I am almighty, go go g'Jong!

Crouching in an English garden waiting for the bang!
When my rockets come you Brits will feel the scorching pain of acid rain;
I am the Great One, you are the weak ones,
I am almighty, go go, g'Jong, go go g'Jong!

Huge, X-factor chain reactors,
Bubbling nuclear poison underground,
See how they vie to rise into the sky,
Soon they will fly,
They'll fly.

People say I'm chubby, but they don't say it to my face,
I know I am sexy, any girl would let me
Share a night of passion, coupling in a hotel bed.
I am the Great One, they are the weak ones,
I am almighty, go go g'Jong, I'm so very strong, go g'Jong, I am an icon! go go g'Jong, yes, I wrote this song!
Go go g'Jong!

3rd - nedesto with:

1. Leg part
3. Grieves
6. Gorge
8. Key
12. Twice four
14. Ordinary seasoning
15. Ariel e.g.
16. Story
18. Roadster
19. Eternity
21. Ten gauges
23. Gradual
27. Shade
29. Talent
31. Alveolar malady
33. Hotel
34. At ___ door
35. Thin; minimise
36. Rested on a divan
38. This month's
40. Chill; ice
41. Showoff; ham
45. Booze
47. Seasickness
51. Era
52. Any female deer
53. Poppy pit?
56. Muddle
57. Sharon was a good one
59. Trusting
60. Fume; emanation
61. Lenity
62. Foul; revile; ruin
63. Beeper
=
1. Grope
2. Generator
3. Meteor
4. Stingy
5. Ocean
6. Staid
7. Bravado
9. Sully
10. Grant
11. Vile
13. Plus
17. Gentle
20. Languid; weary; holey
22. To turn to the right
24. Speechlessness
25. Foam
26. Proper
28. Leader
30. Animated
32. Agonizing
33. Void; banal
37. Fame
39. Traipse idly amok
42. A finale
43. A revolution
44. Some sword-like irises
46. Hefty tumefaction
48. Gathering
49. One fine sword
50. Dreary
51. He authored Crusoe
54. Male; he
55. Dismay
58. So intense

Richard Brodie with:
"Drink to me only with thine eyes, and I will pledge with mine;
Or leave a kiss within the cup and I'll not look for wine."
=
Propose most loving one, and that, when with thee I'll recline.
Or ask me kindly if I'd like, and with you I will entwine.

Adie Pena with:
There once was a man from Boston,
Who drove around in an Austin.
He had room for his ass
And a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out so he lost 'em!
=
Two enormous savages from Boston
Had high Fatiha honor tossed in;
As road runners all...
Oh no! Stumble and fall!
Ah, one huge BOOM 'twas causin'!

Dharam Khalsa with:
There once was a man from Boston,
Who drove around in an Austin.
He had room for his ass
And a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out so he lost 'em!=
Tsarnaev was a household name;
Now horror is the fools' fame.
On cue, booming blasts
Found nations aghast --
Brought all dishonour and shame.

Dharam Khalsa with:
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Pamela!
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August First?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
~
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WEARY WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WEARY WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual in the robbery?
EYEWITNESS: Young, twenty-five or so, hefty, medium height, heavy tattoos, with a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
EYEWITNESS: Unless the Circus is in town, I'm going with male.
___________________________________
SENIOR ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to the deposition notice which was sent to your attorney?
CRANKY WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
___________________________________
INVESTIGATING ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
TESTIFYING WITNESS: All of them. The healthy ones put up too much of a fight.
___________________________________
ATTORNEY (instructing the witness): All of your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you attend?
WITNESS (obeying): Oral.
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know the time that you examined the body?
EYEWITNESS: The autopsy started at around eight-thirty PM.
ATTORNEY: Are you sure Mr. Denton was dead at the time of the autopsy?
EYEWITNESS: If not, he was by the time we were finished.
___________________________________

HOW CAN INTELLIGENT COURT REPORTERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES ANYHOW????

FOOTNOTE: These encounters are found in the noteworthy new book "Disorder in the American Courts", and are true (questionably, says a cynic) things unwittingly said by attorneys and testifying witnesses in USA courts everywhere, transcribed neatly by court typists with notebooks who have the unique torment of having to stay attentive, sit there every day quiet as live statues, faces stony in anonymity, without objection, while those entertaining attorney-witness showdowns frequently take place.

Anyway, if I were a stowaway there, or a tiny fly on the court wall, I'd be in hysterics, eyelashes watery, eyeglasses foggy, having convulsions of laughter!!

Tony Crafter with:
DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT
by
Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

=

RAGE! (AND DON'T TOTTER GROGGY) INTO THAT LONG GOODNIGHT
A eulogy to the great writing giant Dylan Thomas.

Written in nineteen-fifty-one, this 'rage'
poem is rated one of Thomas's
greatest; getting better, like wine, with age.

To his dying dad, in this ode, he yells
"Do not let go! Rant, rant against this death!"
Begging, egging, nagging, in verse-villanelle.

It's a clarion call to everyone,
in the dogged battle to dodge the grave,
that, if you don't fight it, then death has won.

Although a hellraising binger, Dylan
was terrorised by the thought of his death,
yet he embraced hard whisky and hot women.

He glugged his way to New York, USA,
the Golden Boy of rhyme, drunk on acclaim;
though not tough in health, he lived for the day.

Debauched, and haggard on bottles of Scotch,
the raging man was dragged, groggy and nagging
into 'that good night' long before his time.
The booze had won. He died aged thirty-nine.

Meyran Kraus with:

Geometry by X.J. Kennedy

They say who play at blind man's buff
And strive to fathom space
That a straight line drawn long enough
Regains its starting place
And that two lines laid parallel
Which neither stop nor swerve
At last will meet, for, strange to tell,
Space throws them both a curve.

Such guesswork lets my hopes abide,
For though today you spurn
My heart and cast me from your side
One day I shall return;
And though at present we may go
Our lonely ways, a tether
Shall bind our paths till time be through
And we two come together.

=

Can a duet, a shiny pageantry
Of valued worth and sober symmetry,
Transpire somehow overnight and be
The catalyst that grants me worthy glee?
Her raw proposal and my loyalty
Establish power, saturating me,
Exposing melodies that I oppressed
Beneath a shrewd restraint, now powerless.
Forthwith the bashful works I castigated
Would struggle on, completely liberated;
Through that unearthly luck, that agony
Dissolves in the delightful harmony!
Although I feared that monumental trance,
We joyfully submit to Consonance.

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