Complete list of nominations for November 2013

NOVEMBER 2013 NOMINATIONS

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Julian Lofts with:
Monty Python reunite to pay off their mortgages =
Sort of pithy-potty-humor-generating-money feat

2nd - nedesto with:
This rainy, sullen, wet November weather =
It's when everyone wants their umbrella!

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
I recall that yearly hand-made Thanksgiving now =
Grandmother, slaving away all day in the kitchen!

Julian Lofts with:
Germany to allow 'indeterminate' gender at birth =
The German trend - a boy, girl or a new title named "it"

Julian Lofts with:
'Zonkey' baby Ippo draws crowds in Florence, Italy =
Wow! Tiny crossbred icon. Papa zebra, donkey filly

Dharam Khalsa with:
Is Roadkill Safer Than Chicken McNuggets? =
If it has no gangrene - check all drumsticks!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Is Roadkill Safer Than Chicken McNuggets? =
Skid marks signal I get free lunch, no catch.

Julian Lofts with:
Toronto mayor considering rehab =
Oh, resign, ya broad contrite moron!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Wear a poppy on Armistice Day =
Pity so many paid, war or peace.

Mark Huffman with:
Miley Cyrus smokes a joint at European award show =
"Can't I try my marijuana weed?" asks solo powerhouse.

Rosie Perera with:
A white poppy on Armistice Day (Remembrance Day) =
My hippie cry to end war: "May peace abide, not arms."

Adie Pena with:
The Super Typhoon Yolanda ~
lays death on the puny poor.

Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
Francis Bacon's Three Studies of Lucian Freud =
Art find has bountiful success in a record fee.

Rosie Perera with:
Kennedy's assasination =
Yanks' nation is seen sad.

Rosie Perera with:
Billy Graham turns ninety-five =
Shy manner; frail but living yet.

Rosie Perera with:
National Philanthropy Day =
Any donation a happy thrill.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Billy Graham turns ninety-five =
Nun may verify, "Still breathing."

View with:
The evolving role of the Oxford English Dictionary =
Very high-end, vital lexicon for life. Others not good.

Julian Lofts with:
Doris Lessing =
Dirges in loss.

Ellie Dent with:
Sad air in ~
Sardinia.

Jason Lofts with:
Rains. Aid ~
Sardinia!

Mark Huffman with:
Brittany Murphy, dead =
By hand at murder? Pity.

nedesto with:
1. Turkey
2. Dressing
3. Cranberry sauce
4. Mashed potatoes =
1. Drumstick
2. Open season?
3. Ruby red
4. Eat starchy grease

Rosie Perera with:
Dow closes above 16,000 for the first time =
Motto: bliss for a few (16,000) rich devotees.

Maurice Goddard with:
Tsarnaev indicted for weapon of mass destruction =
Son's Fate: Die wasted for murder's an apt conviction.

Julian Lofts with:
Cosmic explosion a 'monster' =
Complex astronomic noises.

Tony Crafter with:
The now indigent Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) Group =
Ha! Sent bankrupt by Fred A. Goodwin losing control.

Rosie Perera with:
The first Thanksgiving =
Thinking "harvest gifts".

View with:
The US Gun Ownership Grows Under Obama's Presidency =
In the news: Buyers do drugs, purchasing more weapons.

Jason Lofts with:
Giant prehistoric toilet is unearthed =
I had a coprolite - interesting shit. True!

Meyran Kraus with:
US made a secret deal with the Iranis =
Is that idea the nuclear war's demise?

Maurice Goddard with:
Why Americans Can't Lose Weight =
Why? Manic eaters then swig Cola!

Rosie Perera with:
Today is Small Business Saturday =
Obamas ally, assisted US industry.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The cast of Monty Python
1. John Marwood Cleese
2. Eric Idle
3. Terence Graham Jones
4. Michael Edward Palin
5. Terence Vance Gilliam
=
1. Dejected divorcee
2. Wrote Spamalot
3. Jolly Welsh actor, penman
4. English comedy-actor; fine lineage
5. Their American henchman

2nd - nedesto with:
A list of the solar system's eight remaining planets:

1. Mercury
2. Venus
3. Earth
4. Mars
5. Jupiter
6. Saturn
7. Uranus
8. Neptune
=
1. A jumpy messenger
2. Authentic love
3. Terra
4. Unruly arms
5. Emperor
6. Sunlit rings spun
7. Titans' father
8. Sea enthusiast

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
EVERY MAN SAYS TO A WOMAN:

1. Hey, you are such a good friend!
2. I will talk to you later.
3. Can we meet at this restaurant?
=
WHAT THE CREATURE MOSTLY MEANS:

1. I don't want to date you, okay?
2. Well, in four years, I guess.
3. I may not have a real car.

Julian Lofts with:
Hacking conspiracy 'pervasive' at tabloid, prosecutor tells jury
=
Judiciary aptly censors Brooks re: vile, vulgar phone tap tactics.

Maurice Goddard with:
Mothers-to-be who snore are more likely to give birth to small babies =
O! Eerie vibrations make the gals' wombs horrible hell to tot embryos!

Tyler Severance with:
Envision a calm lake gracefully surrounded by green mountains and then consider how you might want to enjoy it.
=
Yes, a joy to be in western North Carolina this lucky time of year no arguing. Indulge AM dawn unmoved sun then cold.

3rd - Dean Mayer with:
The three imprisoned girls of the Russian band Pussy Riot =
I'd sure resist the oppression of human rights and liberty.

Christopher Sturdy with:
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
=
A lie so delusional, finances cycle to the moon and twice round the world!

Julian Lofts with:
Toronto's Mayor McCrack has a problem and so does the city he leads =
Moron boldly smokes cocaine, made death threats. Cops tarry. Chaos!

Rosie Perera with:
Gravity Field and Steady-State Ocean Circulation Explorer =
Expect declining satellite to arrive any day; scour for data.

Tyler Severance with:
Tony Stark Without the Iron Man Suit
Genius
Billionaire
Playboy
Philanthropist
Alcoholic
=
Brilliant path
Whoa! money
Hey lookout girls
Hail an incorruptible institution
Tipsy chaos.

Zdenko with:
The strongest typhoon of the year slams into Philippines =
This strength, hit of noisy storm Haiyan pelts open people.

Jason Lofts with:
Robot Butt Developed By Dr. Benjamin Lok: The Cutting Edge Of 'Rear-search'?
=
A joke, buddy! Rectal researcher groped nth bottom (butt end of live being).

Rosie Perera with:
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America
=
As I'll fight to defend it, to guarantee the Eagle's claim of peace.

Dharam Khalsa with:
I know you never, ever want to hear the following labels used again:
=
TWERK - Ooh, a vulgar view!
SELFIE - A lone hand role
SUBTWEET - Annoying

Adie Pena with:
The Wives of Paul McCartney
1. Linda Eastman
2. Heather Mills
3. Nancy Shevell
=
1. Stella's very pleasant mum
2. Love his wealth then?
3. Fine nice lady can charm.

Jason Lofts with:
Tsarnaev indicted for a weapon of mass destruction - charges could bring the death penalty
=
Adolescent WMD offender sent to try in US court. Case proven? Hang bastard high? Capital idea!

Julian Lofts with:
Concert pianist 'smooched' fan while fondling her teenage daughter at same time, court hears =
He gets seen performing an erotic two-hand duet at home. Carnalises a nice mother/DILF. Caught!

Larry Brash with:
Australian Health Practitioners Regulation Agency =
Creating a national authority against cruel helpers.

Julian Lofts with:
Michael Jackson ‘accidentally killed himself’ claims pop star’s former doctor Conrad Murray =
Half mad, sick, cyclical insomniac, Jacko, calmly prompted ruthless MD for sedation. Real error!

Jason Lofts with:
Saatchi accused Nigella Lawson of drug-taking, court hears
=
Chef took cocaine (a Class A drug) during a wealth sting? A slur!

Julian Lofts with:
Barack Obama tells Hollywood it has to demonstrate more 'responsibility' on gun violence =
No balding Bruce Willis or no tormented macho Sylvester Stallone? Boohoo. A mistake. A pity!

Julian Lofts with:
Stonings will not be brought back, says Afghan president Hamid Karzai =
Think punishing bank robbers and tame faggots is crazy? I hate old laws.

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

>1st - nedesto with:
"A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about." Miguel de Unamuno
=
"As a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, how a mammoth amount of knowledge is useful, you poor boob!"

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
"A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about." Miguel de Unamuno.
=
Do not argue...

'Sin loads!' (Satan)
'Look humble.' (Gandhi)
'Look busy.' (wife)
'Wash up.' (man)
'Woo 'em.' (gigolo)
'F***' 'em!' (Tourette)

eq3rd - Mike Mesterton-Gibbons with:
'A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about' Miguel de Unamuno
=
A too-loud fight between a numbskull duo may look a lot more amusing if no egghead swoop.
eq3rd - Adie Pena with:
"A lot of good arguments are spoiled by some fool who knows what he is talking about." Miguel de Unamuno.
=
A top wolf, A
Rakish-looking humbuG
Got you sombeR,
Unless we women loathE
Emotions and daft dialoguE.

View with:
Look, I bet that our oaf-demagogue was 'obliging' woman. They know all the pluses and minuses of our mood.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Okay, guess what our one mad fool would soon gag on after he's immodest about knowing it all...humble pie!

Rosie Perera with:
Unassailable goon of a housewife goes: "Look, don't trouble me with truth, my mind was made up long ago, OK?"

Adie Pena with:
A famous ally, a glib one of U.K. spoke on how "Anger is seldom without argument but seldom with a good one."

Dharam Khalsa with:
So, how do you blame the smug know-it-all fool using tongue as weapon as troublemaker in a doomed fight?

Christopher Sturdy with:
Not so gung-ho Dubya:
- sought WMD
- illegal wars,
- took on Bin Laden
- wipe out our foe, Islam
to make home 'safe'

Dharam Khalsa with:
An unspoken rule:
Some booming know-it-all fool,
Who does damage at a fight,
You would assume to be right.

Larry Brash with:
Opinionated know-all fools are usually wrong. Do go out, ask someone famed who might be astute. Bug him.

Rosie Perera with:
"I'm not going to argue unless you paid. Offer me gold."
"A bum deal. Look, bloke, that was no 5 minutes!"
"Was!"
"Oh? How?!"

Zdenko with:
Amok, mad, union stooges — while affable enough — do blather, waste matt words in kopious, ugly monologue.

David Bourke with:
Ok boy, so who? No doubt it's mega-famous (ho ho!)
William Tunstall-Pedoe of Anagram Genius / True Knowledge!

Dharam Khalsa with:
We know a gallant thought, like a melodious poem, would not be ruined by some so-so anagram; thus, off I go!

Jason Lofts with:
Furious idiot who kens whole gamut howls a lot at me, a Norseman named Olaf spouting EU gobbledygook.
s with reason.

Maurice Goddard with:
Like a goof I met who was so soaked, in utmost foul language Tony Blair told how he'd been our PM among us!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Look out! As mudslinging rampages boomerang, so the fool would wake with a bonus: a lot of mud in the eye!

Ellie Dent with:
A little knowledge is dangerous ... but knowledge is power. Ooh, ooh! Summon fight about a famous anomaly!

Meyran Kraus with:
How do you know if an argument some smug pal makes is losing a debate? The fool would go on about Hitler.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Mother: God made you a solid woman who multitasks, but weak if sons beleaguer a fool point long enough!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
THINGS TO SAY IF YOU ARE CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK

"Oh, shoot; they warned me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a twenty-minute power-nap like they all raved about at the last management course you sent me on."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper bottle."

"I was not sleeping; no siree. I was merely meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"I was testing the keyboard for dribble resistance.

"Actually I am doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory business seminar you sent me on, sir.

"I was merely doing a specific yoga-concentration exercise to relieve work-related stress."

"Darn! Why'd you interrupt me? I'd almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine's broken..."

"Ok... there's been a terrible error. Someone seems to have put the decaf coffee in the wrong pot."

"Oh man, that cold-cure medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic."

"No, I was not sleeping; I was only trying to pick up a contact lens with no hands."

And the very best thing to say if you are ever caught sleeping at your desk: - "Amen"
=

REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE PERMITTED IN THE OFFICE.

It is an incentive to show up.

It reduces anxiety and stress.

It minimises unhappy complaints about low pay.

It cuts down on time off because you can be at work with a hangover.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It helps save on heating costs in the wintertime.

It encourages carpooling.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes the cafeteria's food taste that much better.

Bosses are much more likely to hand out pay rises if they're wasted.

Salary negotiations are much more profitable.

Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing and there is no piqued tut-tutting, only giggling.

Employees work later since there is no longer the need to relax in a bar.

It is highly uplifting and just makes everyone more happy and open with their ideas.

Everyone agrees that work is better after they have had a couple of drinks.

It'd eliminate the need for staff to get squiffy in their lunch break.

It increases the odds of seeing your boss naked.

The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

Employees don't need to sober up on coffee.

Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be viewed as "gross."

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
RULES OF CAT ETIQUETTE

Determine which guest hates cats and sit on that person's lap during the evening. The guest won't
dare push you off, and might even call you 'nice kitty.' If you can arrange to have cat food on your
breath, then so much the better.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

If you need to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get on to an
Oriental rug, or shag-pile carpet.

For guests who say 'I love kitties', be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to tights or stockings,
or a nip on an ankle.

Don't allow closed doors in any room.

~

To get one open, just stand on the hind legs for this trick : to hammer with one's forepaws.

Once a door is opened for you, it is not necessary to actually use it. You can change your mind.
It is cool.

If one human is busy and another is not, sit with the busy one.

For ladies knitting, first curl comfortably into the cosiest lap, and pretend to take a quiet nap.
Then you can attack: move to reach out to give the aggravating needle a quick slap. That's what
she calls a 'drop stitch.' She'll try to distract you. Ignore it.

Warning: Do get enough sleep during each day. Save energy for sashaying out to play at night...
between two and four a.m.

M-I-A-O-W!

3rd - Adie Pena with:
THE WHITE ALBUM
Side One
1. "Back in the U.S.S.R."
2. "Dear Prudence"
3. "Glass Onion"
4. "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da"
5. "Wild Honey Pie"
6. "The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill"
7. "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"
8. "Happiness Is a Warm Gun"
Side Two
1. "Martha My Dear"
2. "I'm So Tired"
3. "Blackbird"
4. "Piggies"
5. "Rocky Raccoon"
6. "Don't Pass Me By"
7. "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?"
8. "I Will"
9. "Julia"
Side Three
1. "Birthday"
2. "Yer Blues"
3. "Mother Nature's Son"
4. "Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey"
5. "Sexy Sadie"
6. "Helter Skelter"
7. "Long, Long, Long"
Side Four
1. "Revolution One"
2. "Honey Pie"
3. "Savoy Truffle"
4. "Cry Baby Cry"
5. "Revolution Nine"
6. "Good Night"

=

Side One
1. Beach Boys proxy?
2. Mia's sibling
3. Walrus who?
4. Reggae ditty
5. Do overdub it!
6. "He looks so fierce" (Yoko)
7. George top tune
8. Pistol? Why not!
Side Two
1. Good sheepdog
2. Worrying insomniac
3. Bourree in E minor (Bach)
4. Gluttony!
5. Ballad
6. Starr ditty
7. Twelve-bar blues
8. Lovely
9. John's mum
Side Three
1. Nothing crappy
2. Lonely; suicidal
3. In green scenery
4. "Me and Yoko"
5. Why, horrid Maharishi?
6. Wild heavy metal!
7. Do desire
Side Four
1. "It's gonna be alright!"
2. "Now she's hit the big time!"
3. Tiny sweet stuff
4. "Can you take me back?"
5. Trippy experimental sound collage ("Number Nine" intoned)
6. Dandy lullaby end.
Meyran Kraus with:
A REALLY COOL TRICK WITH NUMBERS

* Get yourself a piece of paper.
* Pick a number from one to a hundred trillion. Seriously, choose one. It could be any number at all.
* Write the number down, though do it in words only, then count the many letters of your written number.
* Write down that sum, but again, only in words.
* Repeat the 2 previous stages 7 more times or so, until your sums have reached a dead end.
* You're seeing the number 4.

=

YET ANOTHER MIND-READING TRICK

* Get a calculator. Go on. I do not mind waiting.
* Enter the number of calls you usually make to a support center in a year, when you need to deal with some problematic issue.
* Now subtract the number of times where you are not put on hold for more than 7 stressful hours or where your stupid problem is actually solved in the end.
* Divide 24 by this new number.
* You're now seeing the number "ERROR".

Zdenko with:
Austria
Belgium
Bulgaria
Croatia
Cyprus
Czech Republic
Denmark
Estonia
Finland
France
Germany
Greece
Hungary
Ireland
Italy
Latvia
Lithuania
Luxembourg
Malta
Netherlands
Poland
Portugal
Romania
Slovakia
Slovenia
Spain
Sweden
United Kingdom

=

Laxly chairman, topping flack, lauds: "I am ruling duke. I am achieving us full, starry grail, vast European Union!
Legal members : twenty eight.
Candidates: Iceland, Macedonia, Montenegro, Serbia, Turkey.
Rural applicant: Albania
Rural duo: Bosnia and Herzegovina"

nedesto with:
A list of the top ten most seriously outstanding and genuinely world-renowned stage plays written by Shakespeare

1. Hamlet
2. Romeo and Juliet
3. Henry V
4. A Midsummer Night's Dream
5. Macbeth
6. Richard III
7. Julius Caesar
8. Twelfth Night or What You Will
9. The Taming of the Shrew
10. Othello, The Moor of Venice

=

William's majestically human jovial modality validates a short tally therefrom with a high Humph!

1. To thine own self be true
2. Such sweet sorrow
3. Turning o' the tide
4. An honest Puck
5. Damned spot
6. Winter of our discontent
7. Lend me your ears
8. Whirligig of time
9. Thereby hangs a tale
10. Green-eyed monster

Rosie Perera with:
Albert Einstein: "If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales."
=
Any inferior teenage youth will definitely watch telly for life ("Entertain me!"), but alert able minors get stories read to them by their Mom and Auntie.

Christopher Sturdy with:
"As long as I have any choice in the matter, I shall live only in a country where civil liberty, tolerance, and equality of all citizens before the law prevail," Albert Einstein.

=

The brilliant geezer with iconic hair, inevitably not very critical of new haven, a place of residence's questionable annals.
Hey man, I'll tell you a theory - it's all relative!

Tyler Severance with:
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United states of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all
=
This nice patriotic hand-to-heart feeling is just willing to balance out peace, faith, and freedom for that one dividing red, white and blue eagles country of listed bills.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Seven Blunders of the World
by Mahatma Gandhi
1. Wealth without work.
2. Pleasure without conscience.
3. Knowledge without character.
4. Commerce without morality.
5. Science without humanity.
6. Worship without sacrifice.
7. Politics without principle.
=
A fabulous few we'd like to know:
1. Student with commitment.
2. Youth coach with core values.
3. Public teacher with enthusiasm.
4. News reporter with lip accuracy.
5. Minister with holy wisdom.
6. Churchgoer with tolerance.
7. Politician with good reputation.

View with:
Products Shoplifters Love to Steal:
Cosmetics
Pregnancy tests
Baby formula
Men’s razors
Jewelry
Underwear
Condoms
iPhone accessories
=
Beauty products
Embarrassment
Easy way to pilfer
Shelf-price
Zoom on stones
Chic journals designers cost
Lewd sperm-control
Сover cases

Meyran Kraus with:
CAN YOU SOLVE THIS?

A hunter walks ten miles to the south and ten miles to the east, then walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and the hunter thanks him and invites him to join him.

They're joined by a chap from St. Ives who's fleeing his wives, a boatman who helps them cross a river with a wolf, a sheep and a cabbage, two dodgy guys who seem identical but are not twins and a bankrupt guy pushing his car to a hotel. Said hotel has two doors guarded by a liar and a truth-sayer, but the gang simply pays them fifteen cents in two coins (one not a nickel). The hotel guards happily go in too and, after meeting some dwarf holding an umbrella in the elevator, the ten guys all rest easily in the nine-room hotel.

But two days later, the hunter realizes that place was cursed. The dwarf is hanged over a puddle of water in a big, empty room; the barman shoots himself after eating an albatross; the boatman dies in an empty field near an unopened package and the others die after drinking punch with poisoned ice cubes from a four-gallon jug.

The hunter decided to get back to his trip and, after shooting a bear that's eating two goldfish named Romeo and Juliet, he carries it ten miles north back to his house.

What color is the bear?

=

HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?

A priest, a ten-inch pianist and a bell-ringer's twin go into a bar. The barman, thinking it's a joke, gets rids of them by offering plane tickets he got from Watson and Holmes on a camping trip.

This jet then crashes after a blonde stewardess drops a case of crabs and the pilot is revealed to be a hunter with a gun who's molested by a bear. The priest finds himself on some island with a couple of native twins named Juan and Amal that threaten him with 'Death by Mau Mau'. Luckily, a magical genie appears and grants him three wishes.

The priest asks to go to Heaven and see the original Holy Scriptures. After finding it should have been 'celeb*r*ate', he declines a round of mini-golf with the Lord and wishes to go back to Earth and to form one filthy comedy group called The Aristocrats with a koala that eats bush and leaves, an old woman that can guess your age by feeling your nuts and the hunter (now with a bazooka) molested by a bear.

And just when the priest is about to get it on with a three-legged pig and some curtain rods full of shrimp, a stick of TNT blows them up. A mile away the mangled hunter, holding the TNT detonator, laughs victoriously, when a bear taps him on the shoulder and asks:

"You're not here to hunt now, are you?"

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

=
A virtual voyage in a battlefield's heart

That wealth at noon was quite a view
Here, in the field; how good to note
Each heather here prevailed and grew:
Great growth had formed a heavy coat.
Each youthful bird soared in the air,
Too smooth, too blithe and too naive.
That view may look too fine and fair,
Yet we once heard that looks deceive.
So, what faint thing can no one peep,
Beneath that view of peace and cheer,
Unheard-of, worn and wedged too deep,
Remaining faint too long, for years?
Great fear once ailed that stretch of land,
All through that time of pained contention;
Death governed it when legions grand
Did rotten things we wouldn't mention.
Respected war-gods clenched their teeth,
Each striving to maintain their might;
Steel sabers shot out of their sheaths,
So fiercely keen to clinch those fights;
But clever Earth, then scorched and dried,
Yearned to correct that dream we shattered;
A lot of troops that toiled there died,
But to that earth, it barely mattered:
Red poppies grow where brothers fought
And blades of grass where bodies fell.
Hate, pain and grievance were for naught,
Around that growth where pine trees dwell.
Men, blood-lust and their cannon's flare
Leave no vague trace out here, it seems,
In one vast piece of Heaven, where
No force but Nature reigned supreme.
Cool winds invade all that survived
On heavy vines that brave that chill.
Life carried on - it wants to thrive,
Now that the ground has had its fill.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
GUNGA DIN
By
Rudyard Kipling

You may talk o' gin and beer
When you're quartered safe out 'ere,
An' you're sent to penny-fights an' Aldershot it;
But when it comes to slaughter
You will do your work on water,
An' you'll lick the bloomin' boots of 'im that's got it.
Now in Injia's sunny clime,
Where I used to spend my time
A-servin' of 'Er Majesty the Queen,
Of all them blackfaced crew
The finest man I knew
Was our regimental bhisti, Gunga Din.
He was "Din! Din! Din!
"You limpin' lump o' brick-dust, Gunga Din!
"Hi! Slippy hitherao!
"Water, get it! Panee lao
"You squidgy-nosed old idol, Gunga Din."

The uniform 'e wore
Was nothin' much before,
An' rather less than 'arf o' that be'ind,
For a piece o' twisty rag
An' a goatskin water-bag
Was all the field-equipment 'e could find.
When the sweatin' troop-train lay
In a sidin' through the day,
Where the 'eat would make your bloomin' eyebrows crawl,
We shouted " Harry By!"
Till our throats were bricky-dry,
Then we wopped 'im 'cause 'e couldn't serve us all.
It was "Din! Din! Din!
"You 'eathen, where the mischief 'ave you been?
"You put some juldee in it
"Or I'll marrow you this minute
"If you don't fill up my helmet, Gunga Din!"

'E would dot an' carry one
Till the longest day was done;
An' 'e didn't seem to know the use o' fear.
If we charged or broke or cut,
You could bet your bloomin' nut,
'E'd be waitin' fifty paces right flank rear.
With 'is mussick' on 'is back,
'E would skip with our attack,
An' watch us till the bugles made "Retire,"
An' for all 'is dirty 'ide
'E was white, clear white, inside
When 'e went to tend the wounded under fire!
It was "Din! Din! Din!"
With the bullets kickin' dust-spots on the green
When the cartridges ran out,
You could hear the front-ranks shout,
"Hi! ammunition-mules an' Gunga Din!"

I sha'n't forgit the night
When I dropped be'ind the fight
With a bullet where my belt-plate should 'a' been.
I was chokin' mad with thirst,
An' the man that spied me first
Was our good old grinnin', gruntin' Gunga Din.
'E lifted up my 'ead,
An' he plugged me where I bled,
An' 'e guv me 'arf-a-pint o' water green.
It was crawlin' and it stunk,
But of all the drinks I've drunk,
I'm gratefullest to one from Gunga Din.
It was "Din! Din! Din!
"'Ere's a beggar with a bullet through 'is spleen"
"'E's chawin' up the ground,
"An' 'e's kickin' all around:
"For Gawd's sake git the water, Gunga Din!

'E carried me away
To where a dooli lay,
An' a bullet come an' drilled the beggar clean.
'E put me safe inside,
An' just before 'e died,
"I 'ope you liked your drink" sez Gunga Din.
So I'll meet 'im later on
At the place where 'e is gone
Where it's always double drill and no canteen.
'E'll be squattin' on the coals
Givin' drink to poor damned souls,
An' I'll get a swig in hell from Gunga Din!
Yes, Din! Din! Din!
You Lazarushian-leather Gunga Din!
Though I've belted you and flayed you,
By the livin' Gawd that made you,
You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din!

=

THE GUNGA DIN CURRY HOUSE

In a street down Wapping way
There's a greasy spoon cafe
And a shop that smells of cat's pee and pot-pourri,
An' a gaudy bistro bar,
But most popular by far,
Is the one 'n' only Gunga Din Tandoori.
It's the local restaurant
Of the Wapping bon vivants,
And fancy folk who want food 'ot 'n' spicy,
But the biggest Gunga fan
Is me best pal, 'Hungry' Dan,
Who'd eat as much grub there as 'e could cram in.
'E'd tweet: "I love the Din!
"The curry's pukka at the Gunga Din!
"Every meal's a winner,
"It's why I eat me dinner,
"Lunch and brekky right 'ere at the Gunga Din!"

Me, I don't like Indian fare
The curry curls me 'air!
I need cuisine to be a little weaker,
Like bully beef or walnut whips,
An' deep-fried cod 'n' chips,
No, I wouldn't know a tarka from a tikka.
And would you kindly tell me,
Where's the fun in 'Delhi belly'?
And in gobbling muck that turns yer entrails raw?
I got better things to do
Than spend all day in the loo,
I prefer to slit me wrists or go to war!
I truly wouldn't win,
Dinin' at the Gunga Din,
Unlike Dan who, if 'e could, would move right in!

One July, when I went by,
From the corner of me eye,
Through the tinted window of the Gunga Din,
I saw diners eating dishes
That looked downright suspicious,
And a pretty Indian waitress, young and slim,
With shiny, long black 'air,
An' a sari... well I swear,
I fell deep in love with 'er there on the spot!
Me 'eart urged, "Go in and see 'er!"
While me 'ead yelled, "Yes I concur,"
But me stomach begged, "Don't order nothin' hot!"
So I duly blundered in
To the deep recesses of the Gunga Din...
With a smile as bright as sun
She said, "Hi! Table for one?"
I saw Dan and quickly said, "No... I'm with 'im!"
When I went to Hungry Dan,
'E jeered, "Hey; you ain't a fan
Of curry, 'fact you hate it, bro!" 'e grinned.

"Yeah, I know," I said,
"But me 'eart 'as ruled me 'ead,
"And I got the 'ots for that girl in the sari!"
'E laughed, "Well, join the queue!
"Cause it ain't only you;
"I want 'er badly too - 'er name is Kari;
"Aw, I'm nuts about 'er, man,
"I'm 'er numero uno fan;
"Why'd you think I bleedin eat 'ere every day!"
I grunted, "Well, I'm 'ere
"So I gotta buy a beer."
Then I quizzed 'im on what 'e thought I could eat.
"Well," 'e grinned, "don't worry,
"I know a mild but truly unique curry;
"You must try a vindaloo,
"The mutton one'll do,
"Kari's coming, make yer mind up - go on, 'urry!"

Well, the food resembled gruel
With a touch o' nuclear fuel,
But it tasted what uranium would taste like,
I gurgled, glugged and coughed
While Dan laughed 'is 'ead off.
Me windpipe felt like it was set alight,
Me nose was runnin', weepin'
Dan was laughing, leapin',
'E said, "I ain't 'ad so much fun in just one night.
And there was I, poor soul,
Belly filled with red-'ot coals,
And the bleedin' diners laughin' at me plight
But Kari saw me strife
And gi' me the kiss of life,
Double-quick; whew! Made me high! I turned to goo.
And I'll tell you what ensued:
The best man won... now Kari is me wife!

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
THE THINGS MY PARENTS TAUGHT ME.

My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, can you do it outside... I've just finished cleaning."

My Parents taught me RELIGION.
"You'd just better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"I warn you; if you don't stop and sort yourself out, I am going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My Parents taught me LOGIC.
"Why? Because I said so, that's why."

My Parents taught me even MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall off that swing and end up breaking your neck, you're not coming to the store with me."

My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"

My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My Parents taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll stay there until all your spinach is gone."

My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
"Oh, my; this room of yours looks as if a tornado just went through it."

My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Do not exaggerate!"

My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

=

My Parents taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it."

My Parents taught me to exercise BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My Parents taught me all about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have extra-special parents like you do."

My Parents taught me ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait till we get home."

My Parents taught me about RECEIVING.
"Oh, you are so going to get it when we get home!"

My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way, so look out!"

My Parents taught me ESP.
"Come on, stop messing about and put that sweater on; I know you're cold!"

My Parents taught me HUMOUR.
"If that lawn mower cuts off all of your toes, don't come running to me."

My Parents taught me all about GENETICS.
"Ha! You are just like your fool of a father."

My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut the door after you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Parents taught me about WISDOM.
"When you come to be my age, you'll understand."

And my special favourite:

My Parents taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Adie Pena with:
STORMY WEATHER
by Harold Arlen and Ted Koehler

Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky
Stormy weather
Since my man and I ain't together,
Keeps rainin' all the time

Life is bare, gloom and mis'ry everywhere
Stormy weather
Just can't get my poorself together,
I'm weary all the time
So weary all the time
When he went away the blues walked in and met me.
If he stays away old rockin' chair will get me.

All I do is pray the Lord above will let me walk in the sun once more.
Can't go on, ev'ry thing I had is gone
Stormy weather
Since my man and I ain't together,
Keeps rainin' all the time.

=

HAIYAN

Yes, how many times
Must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?

Wild intensity,
A gusty savage killer
Knocked down a tree.
One girl lost her weak mother.

Yes, how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?

I ache, a miracle tiny,
A little meal, I hunger.
A nightmare jolts the moment, I worry.
Wretched smell, grey matter.

Yes, how many deaths
Will it take till he knows
That too many people have died?

I regret the mortality,
A long torment
Altering the reality.
World's martyred end.

The answer my friend
Is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.
Zdenko with:
Small fruit tree after rain

Look at that small fruit tree after the rain:
It is full of raindrops and it swings them,
And magic luxury of it branches
Sparkles in the sunlight.

But if the sun is hidden, just for a while
All that magic disappears
It is again, as it was before,
Ordinary, poor small tree.=
A Tear

If a dear, tacit girl smiles at me,
tears of happiness you'll see.
Flickering pearls transit a face
in a shining light of her astral eye.

If now fatal minx flirts with other artful stud
just wait, don't gird, perhaps I'll start to blub .
Thus, remains humid, as burr-ruined skin
of a hot, irate, old man.

Rosie Perera with:
Moses supposes his toeses are roses,
But Moses supposes erroneously.
=
Moses possesses a spouse he oppresses.
Moses, sure brute -- notoriously!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat,
Won't you please put a penny in the old man's hat?
If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do;
If you haven't got a ha'penny, God bless you!=
Then the gangly atheist coined a snappy epilogue:
Guys may not want a chapel, even a synagogue -
Why not begin my option, name it Festivus,
And plan on "the holiday for the rest of us"?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven (old joke)

The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. The Pearly Gates are closed, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper, Saint Peter.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard so much about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’re administering an entrance examination for everyone. This test is fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard, 'cos life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you isn't difficult. It's only a few questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Then, secondly, how many seconds are there in a year? And, third, what is the first name of God?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, can you tell me your answers?"

Forrest replies, "Well, the first one - How many days of the week begin with ‘T’? Shucks, that one’s simple; that would be two: Today and Tomorrow!"
~
Saint Peter's eyes are wide open as he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not quite what I am thinking of, though you do have a point. I admit I was not specific, so I agree to go ahead and give you credit for the statement."

"How about the next one?" says Saint Peter. "Did you figure out how many seconds there are in a year?"

"Hey, that was a lot harder," notes Forrest softly, "But, I thunk and thunk about the question myself, and I guess the answer can only be twelve."

Saint Peter stifles a guffaw, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name does one get twelve seconds in a year?"

In a moment, Forrest offers, "Oh, you see, it's gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second, April second, May second...."

"Hold it, stop right there!" Saint Peter hushes Forrest. "I see where you're going. I get the scope of the point, and although it isn't quite the textbook answer, I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on to the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me the first name of God?"

Forrest does not hesitate, "Well shore, I know God's first name. That's obvious. Everybody probly knows - it's Howard."

"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "So, tell me, what makes you think it's 'Howard'?"

Forest states, "See, it's in the Prayer."

"Prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "What prayer?"

"The Lord's Prayer," Forrest points out, "Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

The gate opens.

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