Complete list of nominations for January 2014

JANUARY 2014 NOMINATIONS

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Ariel Sharon is dead =
Oh dear... sad in Israel.

2nd - View with:
Israeli settlements =
Interest all Semites.

3rd - David Bourke with:
An Italian nun gives birth in Rieti =
It sure ain't in a virgin linen habit!

Rosie Perera with:
The start of a new year ~
was after yet another.

Rosie Perera with:
Marijuana goes on sale in Colorado today =
Idea: One can say, "Good aroma! Roll us a joint."

View with:
Winter storm Hercules =
Term this 'Crueler Snow'.

Tyler Severance with:
The Obamacare signup deadline passed ~
as pure idea-based; Death panels coming!

Jason Lofts with:
Strong winter storm pushes into the Northeast =
Ohio's snow torrents, temps start hurting the NE.

Tyler Severance with:
The National Weather Service forecast conditions =
Ah, east coast faces into violent nordic winter here!

Jason Lofts with:
Corinna Schumacher has ~
a hunch racer's in coma. Sh!

Rosie Perera with:
Antarctic rescue vessel may now be stuck in ice =
Last minute science can't save our sick crew. Bye!

Dharam Khalsa with:
Pope Francis leaves New Year's voice mail for the nuns =
"See, all your pervasive machines screen a Pontiff now!"

Rosie Perera with:
U.S. Midwest in the path of an arctic blast =
Problem...a fuss... Can it withstand that ice?

Dharam Khalsa with:
Winter Storm Hercules ~
emits recurrent howls.

Adie Pena with:
Midwest, Northeast =
This snow mattered.

George Sicherman with:
Raw, bitter cold weather coming =
I better wear warm clothing, Doc

Julian Lofts with:
Angry Dennis Rodman defends North Korea visit =
Deviant moron defends nerdy Asian - irks throng.

Meyran Kraus with:
Prime Minister Ariel Sharon dies =
Inspire more hard times in Israel.

Tyler Severance with:
Palestine's dream for freedom =
Israel dampened more efforts.

Julian Lofts with:
Cristiano Ronaldo named the world's best footballer =
Tall order for Messi to win Ballon d'Or - a bad contest, eh?

Tony Crafter with:
Pres. Francois Hollande and the actress Julie Gayet =
A seedy French alliance or just theatreland gossip?

Julian Lofts with:
Prince Harry ends role as a helicopter pilot =
Royal phallocentric pinhead poser retires

Maurice Goddard with:
Italy reform deal puts Berlusconi back centre stage =
Let's be frank, egotistical creep's a crude barmy ol' nut!

Larry Brash with:
"Vladimir Putin likes Elton John" =
"I'll just invite her (pinko old man)."

Julian Lofts with:
Blind eye turned to Savile abuse =
Editor: 'Bully abused naive teens'

Scott Gardner with:
The Russian Winter Olympic Games =
Hear Mr. Putin insist "Gays welcome!"

Rosie Perera with:
The Taiji community's dolphin hunting season =
Not much amnesty. Punish those doing it -- in jail!

David Bourke with:
The President Assad regime, Syria =
It seems deaths per day are rising.

Julian Lofts with:
How Justin Bieber's bad day allegedly unfolded =
DUI, felony, swore, nabbed, judge, bail, tell Dad, shy

Andrew Brehaut with:
China's Li Na wins the Australian Women's Tennis Open =
In a nutshell, Chinese-sent woman was an inspiration.

Andrew Brehaut with:
Li Na rose up at an ~
Australian Open.

Larry Brash with:
Stanislas Wawrinka =
Stars as a walk-in win.

Christopher Sturdy with:
"Long-Term Economic Plan" =
Not compelling, Cameron!

Meyran Kraus with:
The winter season this year =
Nasty weather is on the rise.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Winter Olympics =
Snowy clime trip.

Adie Pena with:
A cement leak closes the Victoria Line =
Concrete mistake. Oh, all else inactive!

Ellie with:
Syrian refugees =
See using a ferry.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The Best of 2013

1. Pope Francis
2. Nuclear deal with Iran
3. Rob Ford stories
4. Capital punishment is now in decline
5. The film 'Gravity'.
=
The Worst of 2013

1. Horrid fate of the Philippines
2. Mandela mourned
3. Syria conflict
4. Cunning NSA wiretaps
5. Bieber still active.

eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Top five inventions (after the wheel):
5. Optical lens
4. Semiconductor Electronics
3. Penicillin
2. Electricity
1. Printing press
=
5. Set in telescope
4. It clinches technology
3. Mold cures infection in recipient
2. Vital - I'll reinvent it!
1. Script for newspaper

eq2nd - Tony Crafter with:
The Top-selling Beatles Songs in the U.S and U.K

5. I Want to Hold Your Hand
4. Can't Buy Me Love
3. She Loves You
2. Get Back
1. Hey Jude
=
5. Key song that begun U.S Beatlemania
4. Sung loudly by Paul
3. The hit sound we loved!
2. Like the catchy verse!
1. Ode to John's son

View with:
China's Mao Zedong,
Germany's Adolf Hitler,
Soviet Union's Joseph Stalin,
Japan's Hideki Tojo
=
i.e. A damning history:
Hazards? Jihad? Joke?
NO!!!
Savages just shot millions of innocent people!

Christopher Sturdy with:
Accidental Death of the Palestinian Ambassador in Prague
=
Ironic a man detonated a huge blast; a trap placed in his 'safe'!

Julian Lofts with:
Maradona: Do not blame Messi if Argentina do not win the World Cup
=
"No", I command, "Don't be a twerp, Lionel. Use 'Hand of God'!" Aims warrant it.

View with:
Kim Jong-un fed his uncle to hungry dogs after he was purged from leadership
=
Inhuman, ugly murder where Jang Song-taek's flesh fed to pups [Ed.: God! Horrific!].

Julian Lofts with:
"I feel the end coming. But I don't want to die in prison like common jailhouse scum."
=
Cue: "Me, I killed Brown and Goldman, I con men, thief too" intuits O "The Juice" Simpson.

Jason Lofts with:
Kim Kardashian compares butts with Blac Chyna in sexy selfie
=
Kiss my fine, pretty ass! Hard choice: an Asian-black XL/white bum?

David Bourke with:
The Secretary of State for Education, the Right Honourable Michael Andrew Gove MP
=
That buffoon can't help arguing with teachers, made every school deteriorate more.

Jason Lofts with:
Half of the US Congressional politicians are millionaires
=
Affluence on Capitol Hill. As in oil, gas? Or is it more in shares?

Maurice Goddard with:
Serena Williams is not only formidable on the tennis court but also in business
=
Millions roll in! Winner's nubile if bouncy tits and bum are seen as hot assets too!

David Bourke with:
The president of France, François Gérard Georges Nicolas Hollande
=
Frog screeching off on a scooter ride...later, he's planning a re-saddle!

View with:
EU drops dinner with Putin to show 'not business as usual'
=
Russian's to be out now. We shun this unpopular dissident.

Julian Lofts with:
America's only prisoner of war is alive after four years with the Taliban
=
Fortunately bipolar Carrie Mathison of TV series* is aware. Ha - wry finale!

Julian Lofts with:
Tons of horse manure was dumped outside French parliament in a political protest
=
Merde! It was a triumphal stunt anti core foe - pompous President Francois Hollande.

Jason Lofts with:
Top 5 Smartest Persons of All Time

1. Albert Einstein
2. Leonardo da Vinci
3. Terence Tao
4. Stephen Hawking
5. Nikola Tesla
=
1. Toiled as patents clerk too
2. Brainiest Renaissance man
3. Is no geek, does math well
4. The ill Prof.
5. A patent inventor

Adie Pena with:
TOP THREE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS*
1. Spend More Time with Family and Friends
2. Fit in Fitness
3. Tame the Bulge
=
1. "The busy person? So tired? Not me! I'm a fine parent."
2. "First, to eat right I need new menus!"
3. "I will shed my fat self!"

Maurice Goddard with:
Japanese fishermen begin annual slaughter of hundreds of dolphins
=
Flesh's appalling high-handed murder job seen, turns one off in nausea.

Julian Lofts with:
Worst police sketch ever? Police hunt for an oddly spherical man
=
Clever cops identify perp has the most circular head known (O) - LOL!

Tyler Severance with:
The ideas come
The opportunities arise
The preparation starts
=
The dreams are true
The poise is appreciation
Point to the stars.

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
"Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere." Albert Einstein
=
Creativity will bring me to any life, to anywhere I like, allowing me to be outrageous.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein
=
Imagine
Magic;
Allow
Glee
In every
New
Artwork
To fill the eye--
It's about
Our
Nobility.

eq3rd - Rosie Perera with:
"Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere." Albert Einstein
=
Well, a boat will take you over the ocean to a new intriguing life. Bye toil, grim misery!

eq3rd - Ellie Dent with:
“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein
=
"I gave album I wrote with Yoko a title: 'Imagine'. We urge liberty for ALL society." Lennon

Tony Crafter with:
“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein =
Me? I've an urge to go to New York. If I truly imagine it, will I be able to call there? Say... now?

Rosie Perera with:
"Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere." Albert Einstein
=
Whoa! In my eerie mental state, I'll go to orbit Vega weekly. Caution: I'll bring your wife!

Rosie Perera with:
"Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere." Albert Einstein
=
Look out! Relying on my yogic brain to get wherever will be an ultimate waste. I.e., I fail!

David Bourke with:
“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein
=
A wine, it will take you on a voyage of either illicit gambling, or women. Surely better!

Maurice Goddard with:
"Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere." Albert Einstein
=
"Oh! Eureka! I feel I intuitively agree. Log on to my brainy www.billgates.com to learn it!"

Tyler Severance with:
"Logic will get you from A to B; Imagination will take you everywhere." - Albert Einstein =
Imagine formulaic Tolkien literature; Two lowly hobbits one ring gateway & evil eye.

Dharam Khalsa with:
“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein
=
We cowboys really toil to work the range, but lately imagine a movie intrigue in life.

David Bourke with:
“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein
=
"Oi! So will a new mobility buggy I have. Well, one kilometre - I guarantee it!" - Tony Crafter

David Bourke with:
“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein
=
Get into religion, take belief...you will magically arrive where you most want to be in!

Dharam Khalsa with:
“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein
=
A wry genius
wiLl
be alOne,
lookinG to
relativIty
or atomiC energy
with a mute Belief.

Maurice Goddard with:
"Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere." Albert Einstein
=
Memorable way to visionary bloke: Ingenuity to Galileo Galilei went twice further!

Adie Pena with:
“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein
=
But will you go far? I notice religion's a better way. My religion will take me to heaven!

Christopher Sturdy with:
“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein
=
I, well we, own SatNav.
But reliance?
Gee, I like to rely on my ability for a route I might go.

Tony Crafter with:
> “Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein
> =
> Hey! A week in a Saturn motel will be cool! I'll write or, if not, give you a 'ring' maybe? (Get it?)

Maurice Goddard with:
"Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere." Albert Einstein
=
"Meet total calibre originality on four wheels, like my VW Beetle I go touring away in!"

Christopher Sturdy with:
"Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere." Albert Einstein
=
Marvin - gloomy intellect
I obey rules
I won't go away.
I regret, i.e. when I talk about life.

David Bourke with:

“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein =
Go on Titanic, it will take your life...you will meet a white 'berg, a lonesome briny grave.

Maurice Goddard with:
"Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere." Albert Einstein =
"By way of my outgoing make-believe in a well-lit cue, I wing to all territories on Earth!"

Dharam Khalsa with:
“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein
=
Wily elite Unsinkable Molly Brown, home alive after eerie Titanic gig: "You gotta row!"

Maurice Goddard with:
"Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere." Albert Einstein
=
"I went to Heaven writing great erotic books. Beautiful oily imagery! Well, I am lonely."

Dharam with:
“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein =
We may go in a mental beeline, like the wry crow flies, to a big goal, or tour intuitively.

Mey K. with:
"Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere." Albert Einstein
=
"Eerily, one sore legacy we know I'm guilty of initiating will reveal that route: A-BomB."

View with:
“Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere.” Albert Einstein =
Imagine it ... you can be King of the Universe, or Total-Wit-Male, Big Elite or lowly lawyer

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
[I see that the poor kid that answered these dumb questions got a zero on his test... I think that kid is brilliant!]

Q: What is the main reason for divorce
A: Marriage.

Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom.

Q: How can you lift an elephant with only one hand?
A: It must be easy if it only has one hand.

Q: How would you go many days without sleeping much?
A: I'll sleep at night.

~

Q: In which battle did Napoleon Bonaparte die?
A: His last battle.

Q: The Mississippi flows in which state?
A: Liquid state.

Q: It took eight men three years to complete the Washington Monument. How many years would it take fourteen men to do this?
A: Zero, since it's already built.

Q: If you had eight oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Freaky clown hands.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
To: Sutton Appeals Court
Surrey
11/11/13

Sirs

There's nothing more sure to spark fury or cause frustration during a PC log-in than when you are instructed to change your password (especially if it's a key password you know off by heart and have used with success on 1,000s of occasions). It particularly frustrates you when you don't want to change it in the first place!

Here's my sorry account of the unfortunate exchange of messages that occurred on 1/11/13 after receipt of a screen prompt for me to change my Yahoo password. As you can see, the attempt wasn't a great success.

I am so sorry that I strayed into profanity during these exchanges. However, I'm sure you'll agree I was greatly provoked once you've seen the true circumstances surrounding my uncharacteristic and, yes, very reckless outburst in Surrey Library last week (1/11/13).

So sorry.

Yours,
Percy Hesketh-Tucker (Rev)

Upper Security Floor
Surrey County Asylum

=

I am attaching herewith the whole exchange dd1/11/13, all of which I will show verbatim and in full:

Attachment:

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, there are too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1fuckingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1FUCKINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1FuckingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 30 characters in total."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."
3rd - Ellie Dent with:
The Eleven TOP DOG and CAT CHARACTERISTICS.

Dogs come when you call.
Cats take a message and get back to you.

Dogs look much better at the end of any leash.

Dogs will let you bath them voluntarily, without taking out a contract on your life.

Dogs bark noisily to wake you, if the house is on fire.
Cats, mind, will sneak out through the back door.

Dogs will get your newspaper.
Cats will deliver many a limp mouse.

Dogs will play Frisbee with you: indeed, any time you like.
Cats, however, may very well nap for four hours.

Dogs will sit merrily in the car seat next to you.

~

Cats need their own individual private box, or they won't go out at all.

Dogs greet you happily, licking your face when you come back home from work.
But cats will be outraged that you went to work at all.

Dogs sit, lie down, and heel on command.
Cats smirk... then stalk casually off.

Dogs will tilt their heads (cute!) so they can listen clearly when you speak to them.
Cats will yawn throughout, closing their eyes as if bored.

Dogs always give you unconditional love, regardless.
Cats make you pay for every possible mistake made throughout your entire lifetime.

Dharam Khalsa with:
Three Wise Men, aided by a glow of one lone star, approached Bethlehem bearing valuable presents to welcome the Christ child, as indicated, but are deduced to have arrived weeks later.
=
Three Wise Women would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, brought practical gifts and there would be peace on earth!

Tyler Severance with:
Lies to Truths
History is a lie
Religion is a control system
Money is a hoax
Debt is a fiction
Media is a manipulation
Government is a corruption
The system is illusion
=
Sex is our natural impulses
Travel is a manifestation
God is the deity
Nobility is a thrones title
Isolation is grisly
Communication is in here
Hope is a common story.

Dharam Khalsa with:
This guy goes into his dentist's office because of pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist's jaw dropped and he exclaimed, "Holy smokes! That plate I installed in your mouth about seven months ago is nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?"

"The only thing I can think of is this...my wife, well, she made me asparagus about three months ago with some mighty wild sauce on it...Hollandaise sauce she called it...and doctor, talk about DELICIOUS!
~
I didn't know that anything so fabulous existed 'til now! I've been putting some on all my wife's food...fish, potato, yams...it's our mainstay!"

"That's possibly it," the dentist noted. "You see, authentic Hollandaise is made using lemon juice, which is acidic and corrosive. I'll go ahead and replace the bad plate with a more suitable one, but I suggest exchanging it for a metal one made out of chrome."

"Huh? Why chrome?" the man asked.

"As they say, there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Adie Pena with:
American Hustle, Captain Phillips, Dallas Buyers Club, Gravity, Her, Nebraska, Philomena, Twelve Years a Slave, and The Wolf of Wall Street

=

Well, the 'Best Picture' nominees for the Oscar Awards are really all relevant, visually vast epics and a bankable film with happy laughs.

Jason Lofts with:

Cringe-Worthy Product Names, Bad Taglines and Slogan Slip-Ups

1. Chevrolet Nova
2. Coors “Turn it loose”
3. Barf laundry detergent
4. Kia Provo

=

1. Gasp, US car “won’t go” on Spanish TV!
2. Top US beer created diarrhea – run to gents! LOL!
3. Cruddy vomit blend flop
4. O, golly, Koreans invent IRA car

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight:
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

=

THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS

'Twas the day after Christmas when Santa returned
As there was a small thing that he wanted to learn:
How his former short visit affected them all!
He wished to see people just having a ball.

He looked at each window in one vivid town...
But his chipper mood died and he wore a grave frown.
He saw no high spirits, not one celebration -
Those people were NOT full of Christmas elation.

They sat in each home with their faces all gray,
And stared at their Wiis and their iPhones all day.
The zombified children gaped blankly and drooled
While playing the new Candy Crush or Bejeweled.

They saw pets on Youtube (neglecting their own);
Each finger ran furiously on a phone...
This horror was harming their bodies and minds
And their dolls and hobbies were now left behind!

St. Nick had enough! He was mad, mad as hell!
He rushed to his workshop and, furious, yelled:
"Just what are those hellish machines you call 'toys'?
It hurts the poor kids! You're supposed to bring joy!

"From now on, the dang things that whiff of high-tech
Shall just go through me, for a personal check.
I'll fix this phenomenon once and for all..."
But Santa was wrong. This was not a good call.

When he used one iPhone, he was really hooked!
He sat gaping at Kindles with Stephen King books;
He Tweeted and Flickred well into the night
And Instagrammed selfies in chic black-and-white.

After many months, Christmas was nigh yet again -
But Santa still hadn't come out of his den!
His worried elves knew Santa had to be weaned:
It was time to unplug him from all his machines.

They tied him with sashes and one fluffy bow
While Santa was shaking there from head to toe;
They had him drink milk until they were all sure
That Santa, their hero, was finally cured.

But he had an idea! Oh, he wasn't quite through.
"My dear elves", he said, "there's one thing I should do."
He showed them the mainframes he wanted to hack
And then he commanded which ones to attack:

"Now Samsung! Now Sony! Now Apple! Now Dell!
Now LG and Nokia! Now AOL!
Upload all those viruses! Knock the lines down!
It is high time we took out the techies in town!"

And it worked! Everybody then shouted "Hurray"...
And something unusual happened that day.
With no wi-fi available in the whole place,
People actually started to talk FACE TO FACE!

The kids walked outside for the first time in days
Then, lo and behold - THEY ALL STARTED TO PLAY!
They ran in the parks, throwing snowballs with glee -
In short, they were being what children should be.

Now Santa was chuffed to the hundredth degree:
Both this town and himself were completely tech-free.
There was no single hellish device in his base...
Except for his iPad. You know, just in case.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
THE BOXER
By
Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel

I am just a poor boy
Though my story's seldom told
I have squandered my resistance
For a pocket full of mumbles such are promises
All lies and jests
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest

When I left my home and my family
I was no more than a boy
In the company of strangers
In the quiet of the railway station running scared
Laying low, seeking out the poorer quarters
Where the ragged people go
Looking for the places only they would know

(Lie la lie ... )

Asking only workman's wages
I come looking for a job
But I get no offers,
Just a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there

(Lie la lie ... )

And I'm laying out my winter clothes
And wishing I was gone
Going home
Where the New York City winters aren't bleeding me
Bleeding me, going home

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev'ry glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains

(Lie la lie ...)
=

THE GREATEST
Muhammad Ali
(An American Superstar)

I'm the former fighter,
Cassius Marcellus Clay,
I was raised, with one kid brother,
By ma 'n' pa in Louisville, Kentucky, USA,
I always knew
I'd emerge the greatest at whatever
Thing I chose to do.

When some cop suggested boxing to me,
I was no more than a boy,
I'd just had my cycle stolen
And I swore, "Oh, man, I'll get that jerk
Then whup his sorry ass!"
Smiling, he said: "To fight them, to be equal,
You first have to learn the game,
It's a noble art and boxing is its name."

(La-la learn...)

I won Olympic gold when I
Was just eighteen years old,
Hell, I was special,
Even then I knew I'd go on to be champion of the world,
I do confess, I was eloquent 'n' arrogant,
Yet, man, I was damn good!

(Hoo-ra rah...)

When I fought champ Sonny Liston, folk
All snorted: "He'll get killed!"
They were wrong,
Groggy, hurt 'n' bleeding he surrendered on his stool,
I'm still here. Liston's gone.

Now I feel feeble, I feel frail,
I have Parkinson's they say,
It's a lingering reminder
Of every glove that jarred my head
Into that queer 'half-dream room',
No clear memories remain,
No memories of men I fought,
Before it wrecked my brain.

(Young no more...)

Eq3rd - Tony Crafter with:
An American man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport to return to New York. He took his seat and started to settle himself in. As he was doing so, he noticed a strikingly beautiful woman walking down the aisle.

He saw she was heading straight towards his seat and - much to his joy - she took the seat right next to him!

"Hi," he blurted out, "Are you on a business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and replied, "Business. I am going over to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in New York City."

He swallowed hard. Heck! Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he coolly asked, "What's your, er... business role at the convention?"

"I'm a lecturer," she responded, "I use my experience to disprove a few of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one very popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the native American Indian who's most likely to possess that trait.

"Another very popular myth is that French men make the best lovers, when actually it's the men of Greek descent.

"We have also found that the best potential lovers in all of the categories are Irish men."

Suddenly the woman became very uncomfortable and blushed. "I am so sorry," she said. "I really should not be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man replied. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

=

Whilst in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom while he's there.

A week after arriving home in the States, he wakes up one morning to find his manhood is covered all over in hellish, bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The practitioner, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells him to return in two days for the results.

The man turns up two days later and the GP announces, "I have rather bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US; we know little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Right... then just give me a pill or a strong shot of something that'll fix me up."

The GP answers bluntly, "Listen, I'm sorry, but there is no known cure. We'll have to amputate."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! A million times no! I want a second opinion."

The GP sighs, "Well, it's your choice. Do that if you want, but surgery is your only option."

The next day, the man locates a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'd know more about this disease.

The Chinese doctor examines him and then proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."

The man replies, "Yeah, yeah, I already know this; so, what can be done about it? My American GP wants to remove my manhood!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American dottahs, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank the Lord!" blubs the man.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself...!"

eq3rd - Adie Pena with:
JANUARY

The ball has dropped and people are celebrating
January has come and with it the hope of a better year
Forward we look to the new horizon

But for some our gaze is stuck on the year behind
The people we lost, dreams that never blossomed
January is a doorway that some can never really cross

Our bodies move on but our souls stay behind
Time horrible time, the constant ticking of our lives
I bid all a wonderful, happy new year

Perhaps next year when the door opens again
The hurt will have subsided the memories faded away
And I shall cross with you all to that hopeful beginning

=

ANOTHER YEAR

The thawed frost of JANUARY is extraordinary.
Our wholehearted love in FEBRUARY is red as a berry;
The rainbow in MARCH like a technicolor arch.

The happy sunlight in APRIL gilds a flowery hill
Where a pathway in MAY weaves a dolphin day.
A tattooed moon in JUNE disappears too soon.

The petulant heat in JULY beats the purple sky.
A voodoo wind in AUGUST blows that huge cloud of dust;
When a drizzle in SEPTEMBER rouses us sober.

The mahogany leaves in OCTOBER fade to amber;
The cold in NOVEMBER swathed people sombre,
As the snow in DECEMBER soothed gentlefolk to slumber.

Dharam Khalsa with:
The New Miracle Cat Diet

For the record, most diets fail because humans are still thinking and eating like humans. Except for loved cats who eat like humans -- enjoying tons of table scraps at
home -- most cats are long and lean (or dainty and slinky). The Miracle Cat Diet will help humans achieve unbelievably gorgeous, lanky, svelte figures.

So, for those humans out there who have never had any luck dieting, I outline the New Miracle Cat Diet:

DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open a tin of expensive "no-byproducts" gourmet cat food -- any flavor as long as it cost more than a dollar per can -- and place just one tablespoon centrally on your plate. Eat only a bite of food, then look around the room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare unwaveringly toward the wall for awhile before you pivot and stalk off into another room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and a lizard's tail. Throw it back up, convulsively, on a conspicuous spot on your new stark white carpet.

Dinner: Catch a pretty moth and bat the thing until it slows down, looks sluggish, and is nearly dead. Pull off a wing. Leave by the wool rug to nibble on tomorrow.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your mate or partner's plate. Roll it around until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one piece of grilled chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half to mellow on the sofa. Throw out the dry gourmet cat food from the tin you opened this morning.

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up the remaining chicken bit from the sofa. Knock it down onto the carpet and bat it under the television. Chew on the newspaper as your mate or partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought downtown as your part of the dinner party on the weekend. Lick the crust all over. Take a bite from the center of the loaf.
~
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the settee.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up the dark-colored paste on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your mate or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Hop up on the bed and tease it on top of the down-filled comforter. Make sure that it is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. Take a sunbath.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat six bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings and antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of warm water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your mate or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your mate or partner had placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in the corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

Just follow this amazing diet for a week and you'll find that you not only feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food!

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