1st - Christopher Sturdy with:
Twenty six letters of the alphabet =
Best of all, they shape written text.
2nd - nedesto with:
Television news documentaries ~
remind us violence ain't so sweet.
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Sure, if we liken a German to a Nazi, ~
we make unfair generalizations.
Jason Lofts with:
Real vegetarians must not begin ~
testing a venison tamale burger!
Tyler Severance with:
To human patient =
Amputation then?
Scott Gardner with:
A domesticated animal =
Lion is made a tamed cat.
Scott Gardner with:
The domesticated farm animals =
I'm in a mass herd of tamed cattle.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Message in a bottle that washed in to shore =
It had been to a sweetheart, in smooth glass.
Tyler Severance with:
Surgical precision =
Precarious slicing.
View with:
The tenth anniversary =
That's never ninth year.
Dharam Khalsa with:
The best way to program an Infinite Loop in BASIC =
It entails:
10 PRINT "No harm in a few copies, baby!"
20 GOTO 10
Ivan Andonov with:
Spanish Reconquista =
Saracens quit on ship.
Christopher Sturdy with:
He is scraping the bottom of the barrel =
Not the right base or best place for him.
Snyder with:
Architectural design plans ~
capturing cathedral's lines.
Rosie Perera with:
I believe that life is too short for...~
theories of life to be trivial tosh.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Domesticated animal =
Man stated, "I am docile."
Ellie Dent with:
Soulful melodies =
Mellifluous odes.
Rosie Perera with:
The double mastectomy ~
emulated tomboy chest.
Tyler Severance with:
Define hair growth =
Wiring for the head.
Tony Crafter with:
Orthopaedic perusal =
A hospital procedure
Snyder with:
The television commercials ‡
Roll these cinematic movies!
Snyder with:
The migraine =
I.e., nightmare.
Meyran Kraus with:
The global disaster scenario =
Beings to die all across Earth.
Snyder with:
Easy listening muzak =
I'm a sleazy tunes king!
View with:
Dalliances =
Lie, scandal...
Rick Rothstein with:
Those television commercials =
Tiresome claims echo, "It's novel!"
Christopher Sturdy with:
Settle out of a court =
To cut our total fees.
Rick Rothstein with:
Monsters exude ~
extreme sounds.
Ed Pegg Jr with:
Motion capture ~
into a computer.
Larry Brash with:
Conspiracy theorist =
Atrocity censorship.
Larry Brash with:
Conspiracy theorists ~
say his point's correct.
Dharma Khalsa with:
Conspiracy theorists ~
pitch story scenarios.
Adie Pena with:
The Three Primary Colors
1. Red
2. Yellow
3. Blue
=
1. Rose
2. Really old pumice
3. The whortleberry
Dharam Khalsa with:
Conspiracy theorist =
One psychiatric sort?
Tyler Severance with:
Silver pockets full =
Luck levels profits.
Dharam Khalsa with:
The Three Primary Colours:
Red
Yellow
Blue =
Whereby, multi-coloured parrot yells, "Here!"
Prashanth with:
I am alone. Yes it hurts =
I seriously mean that.
Neil Ramsay with:
Negligences ~
seen in Clegg
Larry Brash with:
The Paraphilic Disorders =
Horsehair slipper addict.
Rosie Perera with:
The grief counselor =
Hour of gentle cries.
Rosie Perera with:
The grief counselors =
Forte: cheering souls.
1st - David Bourke with:
Maya Angelou's 'I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings' =
A wise young black woman - her sad, edgy insight.
2nd - Scott Gardner with:
Constable's rural landscape The Hay Wain =
At a channel, a cart was pulled in by horses.
3rd - Mark Huffman with:
California Chrome wins Preakness Stakes =
Fans see horse kick ass! Triple Crown mania!
Tyler Severance with:
The music of Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel =
Pair sing, made much of natural folk tunes.
Ellie Dent with:
The Three Graces: Sir Peter Paul Rubens =
Picture the purer gals' bareness there.
Scott Gardner with:
Gustave Courbet's painting Le Sommeil =
Some lesbian loving must get a picture!
Scott Gardner with:
Monet, The Water Lily Pond =
Titled panel worth money.
nedesto with:
Edouard Manet's The Luncheon on the Grass =
Men together around the scandalous hens.
Adie Pena with:
"The Amazing Spider-Man Two" in Three-D =
Do empathize with strange man in red.
Scott Gardner with:
Claude Monet's painting Le Dejeuner sur l’herbe =
No nude here; just males, belle in garden picture.
Ellie Dent with:
Da Vinci painting of The Last Supper =
Pupil connived at His parting feast.
View with:
Lars von Trier's film 'Nymphomaniac' =
Nymph (or MILF) stars in carnal movie.
Christopher Sturdy with:
Soccer World Cup heats and finale =
So wonderful and rich a spectacle.
Ellie Dent with:
Sandro Botticelli's painting Primavera =
A contrived, inimitable, pastoral Spring.
Scott Gardner with:
Sandro Botticelli's famous painting Primavera =
April fruits blooming amid treetops in a canvas.
Julian Lofts with:
Conchita Wurst =
Circus whatnot
Tony Crafter with:
Irish folk-dancing ‡
Danish frolicking!
Ellie Dent with:
Pierre Auguste Renoir: The Umbrellas =
Paris rain: or let true blue hues merge.
Larry Brash with:
Procol Harum's A Whiter Shade of Pale =
Hit has had a real powerful composer.
Snyder with:
An action movie =
Cinema ovation.
Larry Brash with:
The Girl from Ipanema =
Performing a lame hit.
Snyder with:
Stephen King's "Carrie" =
Sheer sick parenting.
View with:
'Winter Sleep' wins Palme d'Or at Cannes =
Select drama is top panel's new winner.
Adie Pena with:
Gareth Edwards' "Godzilla" in Three-D =
We see the grand odd lizard alright.
Adie Pena with:
The American musician John Cameron Fogerty =
Some can hear my guitar jam on one fine CCR hit!
Rosie Perera with:
Horatio Alger scene: it's strictly ~
a nice little rags-to-riches story.
Meyran Kraus with:
Claude Monet, Springtime =
A single moment pictured.
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Conchita Wurst's 'Rise Like a Phoenix' =
I pick transexual to win cos 'her' is 'he'!
2nd - Larry Brash with:
Ukraine separatists =
Its area kept Russian.
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The speech Pope Francis made to the Israelis =
His plea for the peace process in the Mideast.
Matt Jones with:
BASIC turns fifty =
C? A bit rusty. [sniff]
Julian Lofts with:
Angela Merkel 'ditches sausage sandwiches for diet' =
"Kein Fleisch, da ich Salate esse!" sagt AM. "Wunderdroge!"
Julian Lofts with:
Conchita Wurst =
Circus whatnot
View with:
Conchita Wurst =
Won that circus.
Rosie Perera with:
Columbus's ship may have been found near Haiti =
Hopeful hunch by bums on dive: "I see Santa Maria!"
Adie Pena with:
Jodie Foster Marries Alexandra Hedison =
For the dear ladies join in same-sex ardor.
Mark Huffman with:
President Obama throws like a girl =
"Weak, horrible at sports," I maligned.
Rick Rothstein with:
On the military's coup in Thailand =
Oh, is it not plain? Army launched it.
Jon Gearhart with:
Memorial Day Weekend =
Idle memory awakened
Maurice Goddard with:
In Lahore, pregnant Pakistani woman stoned to death =
To the point: Sad, no? When mad lot partaking are insane?!
Christopher Sturdy with:
Shocking case of criminal neglect =
Election form I scan has Nick Clegg
Rosie Perera with:
Maya Angelou dies =
Alas, gone. My adieu.
Ed Pegg Jr with:
DC metapolitics =
It's complicated.
Dharam Khalsa with:
Firefox looks like Space Invaders for some reason =
Folks remark, "So, no explosive fire noise of arcades?"
nedesto with:
The USA Memorial Day celebration =
A remembrance holiday I salute to.
Meyran Kraus with:
Kate Middleton has a wardrobe malfunction =
We can look and also admire her damn fit butt!
1st - Meyran Kraus with:
William Shakespeare, the Immortal Bard =
I admire 'Hamlet'... His plot was remarkable!
2nd - nedesto with:
The artist Leonardo da Vinci =
A dated historical inventor.
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
I said, "Invade, usurp, reform it... then split!" =
Vladimir Putin, the President of Russia.
Jason Lofts with:
Jeremy Charles Robert Clarkson =
Mr Ace Car Jester? Hell, sorry knob!
Ellie Dent with:
Painter Sandro Botticelli =
Predict notable art in oils.
Adie Pena with:
Jodie Foster Marries Alexandra Hedison =
For the dear ladies join in same-sex ardor.
Larry Brash with:
Treasurer, Joe Hockey =
The score? You're a jerk!
Matt Jones with:
Billionaire "Chocolate King" Petro Poroshenko =
Look! High-risk ballot, cocoa proponent in. Eerie.
Tony Crafter with:
James Purefoy =
Joy! Superfame!
Adie Pena with:
The American musician John Cameron Fogerty =
Some can hear my guitar jam on one fine CCR hit!
Ellie Dent with:
Dr M Angelou =
Mourned gal.
David Bourke with:
The singer and actress Kylie Minogue =
Dame in "Tuneless shrieking" category.
View with:
Singer Kanye West =
Swankiest energy.
Rick Rothstein with:
Author and poetess Maya Angelou =
Only a sage, pause to mourn a death.
1st - Ellie Dent with:
The Museum of Fine Arts, Boston =
Famous for the best Monet in US.
2nd - Larry Brash with:
The Google Self-drive Car =
Forget old gear vehicles.
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
"The Crimean Peninsula ~
is a mere channel." - Putin.
Rosie Perera with:
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention =
In pain? Team here to offer succour. Don't die in vain!
Scott Gardner with:
Beginner's All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code =
10 GOSUB 30
20 END
30 PRINT "Nice ole BASIC's simply cool!"
40 RETURN
Scott Gardner with:
Beginner's All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code =
Guys can scribble lines on computer in old IT prose.
Larry Brash with:
Osgood–Schlatter Disease =
Osteologist: address ache.
Jason Lofts with:
Tata Global Beverages Limited =
Teabag advert aim: to sell bilge!
Christopher Sturdy with:
Royal Society of Medicine =
So I eye nice family doctor
Snyder with:
America's foreign policy =
Fragile myopic scenario
Tyler Severance with:
The psychoactive ingredient THC =
The ecstatic driven 'high' potency.
Rosie Perera with:
[The Family Eye Clinic (Optometrist) =
Myopic client? I let him see at forty!
Rick Rothstein with:
California Chrome wins the Preakness Stakes ~
as pals know this keen race horse came in first.
Dharam Khalsa with:
National Geographic Channel =
Lo, an enchanting archipelago!
Maurice Goddard with:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder =
Dossier crisis in Doc Larry's patient!
Larry Brash with:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder =
Sir is special, direct, and is not sorry.
Adie Pena with:
Grand Ole Opry, Nashville, Tennessee =
They're all lead persons on evenings.
View with:
The Indy Racing League =
Leading guy in the race.
Adie Pena with:
Reese's NutRageous =
One sees true sugar!
nedesto with:
Tonsils admit ~
Altoids mints.
Meyran Kraus with:
Mensa roster =
Smarter ones.
Rick Rothstein with:
The United States Military Academy at West Point =
It educates potential army men... ay, that is twisted.
Meyran Kraus with:
The American Mensa gatherings =
I hear men engage in smart chats.
1st - Tony Crafter with:
Top Ten World's Fattest Countries
10. Hungary
9. Germany
8. Canada
7. Norway
6. Slovakia
5. UAE
4. Czech Republic
3. Australia
2. New Zealand
1. USA
=
10. Cake crazy
9. The wurst!
8. Styled on USA
7. Couch-potato land
6. A fruit 'n' veg paranoia
5. Are unaware
4. Sweets
3. All lazy
2. Ennui
1. Darn Big Macs!
2nd - Ellie Dent with:
Ten New Commandments
1. Laugh.
2. Read.
3. Say please.
4. Floss.
5. Doubt.
6. Exercise.
7. Learn.
8. Don't hate.
9. Cut the bullshit.
10. Chill.
=
1. Ha!
2. Scan the headline.
3. Watch manners.
4. Clean teeth.
5. But??
6. Golf ... or sex.
7. Study mid term.
8. Bless!
9. Cull detail.
10. Loosen up.
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The traditional symbolic themes of each wedding anniversary:
1st: Paper
2nd: Cotton
3rd: Leather
4th: Silk
5th: Wood
=
Things that I'll lose each year when I divorce:
1st: Apartment
2nd: Loads of money
3rd: Pet bird
4th: One car
5th: Two kids.
nedesto with:
The message that washed ashore inside an old bottle
=
He'd see that his words had been lost at sea a long time.
Snyder with:
Top Words About Foods
1.Piquant
2.Ambrosial
3.Grub
4.Umami
5.Gustatory
6.Piehole
7.Balthazar
8.Gamy
9.Borborygmus
10.Postprandial
=
1. Blazed
2. My, I'm good!
3. Asparagus dip
4. How salty?
5. Tasting
6. Mouth (I burp)
7. A Bottle (bourbon?)
8. Quail, boar
9. Rump gas
10. Room for a pastry
Rosie Perera with:
Famous book: The C Programming Language by Brian W. Kernighan and Dennis M. Ritchie (Prentice Hall)
=
Taught many premium geeks coding in C.
/* So here began barbarian hacking. */
main()
{
printf("hello, world.\n")
}
Snyder with:
Semi-Digestible Mammal Components in a Homogeneous Colloid
=
Hell, gelatinous non-commodities become good mini meals. SPAM!
Julian Lofts with:
Surrealist Salvador Dali's "Soft Construction with Boiled Beans"
=
Abstract allusions - tortured bodies hint of civil war and losses
Jason Lofts with:
Biggest alcohol consumption by litres:
1. Belarus
2. Moldova
3. Lithuania
...
=
1. SOB! It is a dipsomaniac country!
2. Blotto as hell
3. All hungover
... Belgium?
Julian Lofts with:
Middle East Respiratory Syndrome coronavirus identified =
Camel riders spread it via nose, deft sodomy or in dirty urine
Tyler Severance with:
My poor hands
Arthritis
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
Parkinson's Disease
Frostbite
=
Old Man's Arthur
Compress typer strain
Shaky nail pointer
Aids in frosted bones.
Adie Pena with:
The Top Five Candies With The Most Calories
5. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
4. M and M's
3. Skittles
2. Three Musketeers
1. Snickers
=
5. Super toothsomeness
4. Take the risk, U.S.A.!
3. Reckless children's fun treat
2. Tempt the diabetic victim
1. Supreme sweetness!
David Bourke with:
The coalition Deputy Prime Minister, Nicholas William Peter Clegg
=
Immensely anti-democratic person, puerile political lightweight.
Rosie Perera with:
Obama gives graduation speech for West Point Military Academy =
"Whatever I do, America must again adopt my foreign policy as best."
Jason Lofts with:
Search area for the Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 can now be discounted =
A real wild goose chase! This chimera/fantasy airliner MH370 can't be found.
1st - Tony Crafter with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
WILFUL PRIDE
"Oh, what a lovely war!" he cried
"Let the fighting start!"
To the warfront, side by side
We walk into the dark...
Sabres rattle! Into battle!
***
"Oh, God, this war; it's Hell," he sighs
"How can I go on?"
He's lost his will
His friends lie, killed
In bits, out on the Somme
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
(The title is to the left...)
3rd - Larry Brash with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
This shrink, he now says he is worried that I've got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder following the huge battle where half the elite battalion were killed.
Ill with bloody nightmares, wild flash-backs, I got no idea when this rotten foolish shit will end.
Jason Lofts with:
"Christ! Why do we all battle, then,
And shoot or strike a blow?
Unwanted brawls
Shall hurt this world!
Each hate might deepen so!"
"Oh, see, I think it's easy, son:
For oil-fields overseas
With drilling rights,
A big fool might
Rekindle WWIII!"
Jason Lofts with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
WAR
Is it hellish?
Oh, it is mortifying...
"Let's overthrow those heathens - belligerent cutthroat foes!" I whooped.
White bayonetted disembowelled ghosts, throats cut, stank.
A warrior wails:
"Withdraw!
Abandon the killing fields, the hellish killing fields!"
Snyder with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
This bloodshed, this fight.
Kill, kill, I lose sight!
I battle this web, without light.
Oh, I ask, "What right?!"
"Laws are silent in times of war."
-Cicero
"Only the dead have seen the end of war."
-Plato
"War does not determine who is right - only who is left.”
-Bertrand Russell
View with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
War, huh yeah
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing, oh hoh, oh
War,what is it good for?..
Bet i.e. -
Killings the enemies
And more killings,
Corpses and blood,
Battles and warfare,
Illicit events,
The wild strifes,
The wild strikes
Where tilts with tilts...
The Hell!
Rosie Perera with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
MENNONITE, MENNONITE
He forbids hatred, all ill will.
Though trod on, he will not kill.
(So bold a skill.)
To hawks (twits), he wishes peace.
His biggest wish: that wars would cease.
He'd lift terrorists to stay their death.
In faith, glorifies God with every breath.
Dharam Khalsa with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
NOTICE TO REGISTER:
To fellows brainwashed and willing,
Hotheads obsessed with killing,
Heartless shiftier thinker,
Or weighty high drinker.
To fellows wild and able,
Hotshots only half-stable,
With devilish itch to amputate,
Or otherwise mutilate.
Julian Lofts with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
Tha† soldiers are made for.
Bu† †hen tha† li††le soldier
Was blown to bi†s, was he.
All for his King
He did †his †hing:
How silly can you be?
=
"He's" the Royal Inniskilling Fusiliers,
beloved Irish battalion of the British Army,
who attacked, who shot, who killed,
who was shelled at Gallipoli, Flanders,
the Irish Easter Rising or Cassino.
"We fought, we bled, we died".
We English honor them.
....†...
†††††
....†...
....†...
....†...
Dharam Khalsa with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
We, the brave hep, liked Bob's newer anti-killing folk tunes:
"For the times they are a-changin',
For the times they are a-changin'."
But, going forward...
Hostilities still shadow the world,
Hostilities still shadow the world,
Hostilities still shadow the world.
David Bourke with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
East to Helmand went Prince Harry,
Some wild, bloody Afghan hill.
Worked with the British Forces,
With ruthless Taliban to kill.
So, with ragheads in his vision,
Soldier Wales, he looks, fires at.
His bullet, it shot ten feet wide,
Oh god, the little ginger twat!
Dharam Khalsa with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
Little Willie, who has thirst for gore,
He'd shackle the baby to the door;
Ma begs, with shown restraint,
"Willie, don't flaw the paint."
For kicks, avid shooter Little Willie
Blowguns his sister Lily;
Father admonished, so sedate,
"Hush, tonight we're dining late."
Jason Lofts with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
Ideal World War I/II
Attention
Fight with all your bloody might
How? Who?
Fight tooth and nail
Kill
Tanks besiege
Gunshot threshes
Shells shriek
Defeat
Liberation
Widows, lamed orphans scatter
We visit the trenches
Bells toll for thee
This is weird.
Jon Gearhart with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
WHAT COUNTRIES WILL I INVADE FORTHWITH? HONESTLY? WE'LL HIGHLIGHT THE FILTHIEST OF HAWK SHIT HOBBLED DOG WHORES FIRST:
PORTUGAL
SEYCHELLES
BANGLADESH
SAINT KITTS
KIRIBATI
SIERRA LEONE
TIMOR-LESTE (EAST TIMOR)
SWEDEN
TRINIDAD
AND
LESOTO
HOW LOW, EH?
Jason Lofts with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
"Red lips are not so red> As the stained stones kissed by the English dead." > (Wilfred Owen)> > Oh, war is hostile> > Shells howl> Tanks growl> I fight, hit, throttle, kill, obliterate him (foe)> > Why was it written> "Greater love hath no man..."?> > Idiotic, wishful biblical thought!
David Bourke with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
Tony Blair: "The intelligence view was that
that Saddam bloke, he has still got hidden
illegal Weapons of Mass Destruction. So, do
we strike forthwith?"
George W. Bush (First Idiot): "Why, I thinks
there is billions' worth in oil dollars there.
What the hell? Fire!"
Adie Pena with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
KILLER, KILLER
There was this little Bob Welsh
Who went off to school
With a big gun.
What he had done
Was against the golden rule.
Prohibited violent killer
Fired on sweet girls in class.
Death at two thirty!
Informed he's dirty,
So the militia shot his ass!
Maurice Goddard with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
IT'S A TEAR TO A WWII TREK
To those lost on Flanders fields
Remembrance Day sees sons,
Who red with blood
And with a thud,
Then fell in pain to guns.
Like *HELL* was it worth it!
High, high, to terribly high,
Dire was the cost
With all lives lost.
Kill to be free??? I sigh.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dharam Khalsa with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
This dishwasher Vietnamese
Said, "We too wish peace!
Do not lightly kill,
To find a nightly thrill;
This hellish war must cease!"
That folksinger we adore,
Told truths we still ignore:
"Forthwith, be disobedient,
or often belligerent,
To abolish hawkish war!"
Maurice Goddard with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
FOOLS FOLLOW EVIL DISHONOR
Lethal H-bombs obliterated
Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
Countless were killed
In instants filled,
With war's brutality.
Two cities were erased
To Hell's white-hot sight.
The H-power strike
Ended the fight.
Highly, it was not right.
Maurice Goddard with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
*THE BOSSIEST FAT OLD BAG SHOUTS!*
It's been noisier hellish hell,
In total battling with the wife,
With psychological warfare
Thro' all our married life!
Lord knows why I wed her!
Enslaved I tied the knot!
Disaster's I'm short-sighted,
I knew *NOT* what *HELL* I got!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Zdenko with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
ADIOS FRONTIERS
The twilight of wild war
Highlighted new frontier.
Water, like a sea,
Did cover the shy border,
Showing the gist.
I think this top flood,
That yet beat us,
Will kill the hate,
While lost home
Will unite all homeless
Bosnians, Serbs and Croats.
Christopher Sturdy with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
The Thick Of It
Be impressed by the shilling;
With the call to battle terror,
So he was far too willing.
It was his final error
This is the worst bit...
Though it sounds so thrilling
Fellows all, take heed,
It was not he who made a killing
Now he's very dead indeed.
Ellie Dent with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
'War is hell' the poet said
Yet still the wild ones went ahead
Willing to strike the blighters
Kill them dead.
White-faced son or brother
shakes with fear
Firing: bullets whistling by
Whilst militant fools
order SHOOT!
Chaos. Honour wins.
I have gotta die.
David Bourke with:
SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
There was a little soldier
Who went off to the war
To serve the King,
Which is the thing
That soldiers are made for.
But then that little soldier
Was blown to bits, was he.
All for his King
He did this thing:
How silly can you be?
=
How the wily old owl Putin,
The Crimea desires again!
Vlad the Warrior longs to take back,
The whole, no less, of the Ukraine.
He'll battle to the bloody finish,
With his strength, disorder fight.
Lawless dissidents obliterate,
Fires to win, with all his might!
1st - nedesto with:
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Ludwig Wittgenstein: "Crossing" was individually encoded into those objects "chicken" and "road" until that caused the actualization of the phenomenon.
Hippocrates: It is usually because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Jack Nicholson: Because it f-ing wanted to. That is f-ing why
Mark Twain: The unfortunate news of its untimely crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me thirty minutes with it and I'll find out.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Oliver North: Because our entire National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: The external influences which had virtually pervaded its sensorium from birth had likewise caused it to unknowingly develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while fully believing such actions to be of its own free will.
Albert Einstein: The chicken crossed the road or the road crossed it; that depends upon your frame of reference.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order for it to act in good faith and for it to be true to itself, that chicken found it morally necessary to cross that road. ~
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that chickens cross roads at this juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought each such occurrence into being.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: To ask the forbidden question is to deny one's own essential chicken-nature.
Timothy Leary: Just because it's the only kind of damned trip the Establishment would let it take.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Salvador Dali: Fish.
Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
Darwin: It was the first logical next step after leaping headlong down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not certain which side of the road it was on, though coincidentally it was moving downright fast.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of defiance, hence we were justified in dropping fifty tons of nerve gas on it.
Henry David Thoreau: For it chose to live deliberately ... and suck the marrow out of life.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: I forgot.
The Sphinx: Can you tell me?
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A husband and wife were woken at three o'clock in the morning by a loud banging on their door.
The man got up and opened the door to where a drunken stranger was standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push.
"At this time of the morning? Not a chance, mate," said the husband.
He slammed the door and returned to bed.
"Who was that, Brian?" asked his wife.
"Just a drunk asking for a push," Brian replied.
"And did you help him?" she said.
"No, Betty, it is three in the morning and it's bleedin' well pouring with rain!"
"You have a very short memory, Brian," said Betty. "Can't you remember about eight months ago when we broke down, and that man helped us get the car started again?
Well I really think you should help him, Brian, and you should be ashamed! God loves drunk people as well you know."
The husband did as he was told, vacated the bed, and went out into the pouring rain.
He called into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," came back the answer.
"Do you still need that push?" he called.
"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.
"Where are you, then?" said Brian.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
=
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless dress, walked into a Dublin public house. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit then, pointing to the various people sitting at the bar, she asked, "Which man here will buy this good lady a drink?"
The pub went silent as the customers tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and shouted out, "Get the ballerina a drink on me!"
The bartender poured out the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and once more pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hirsute armpit, and she asked, "Which man here will buy this good lady a drink?"
Once more, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and shouted, "Hey, give the ballerina another drink on me!"
The bartender approached the drunk and said, "No offence, Paddy O'Shea, I know it's your business if you want to buy the woman a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Why? Bejaysus, it's easy - any woman who can lift her leg dat hoigh has got to be a ballerina!"
Rosie Perera with:
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: "I have a problem with alcohol, and the choices I have made while under the influence. I have struggled with this for some time."
=
" I need help, to have a (hic!) time-out from running for reelection, to have some (hic!) rehab. Must defeat whom? The bloody cirrhosis! God, I'll have withdrawal!"
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Using A Drive Through ATM
MAN:
- Drive up to ATM
- Insert card
- Enter PIN number
- Take cash, receipt and card
- Leave after several seconds.
WOMAN:
- Pull up to ATM
- Check makeup in rear-view mirror
- Shut engine off
- Take keys out
- Place keys in purse
- Check makeup again
- Get out of car because it's parked too far away from ATM
- Look for card in purse
- Insert it
- Look for piece of paper with PIN number on it
- Enter code slowly
- Study instructions for five minutes after ATM won't accept it
- Hit "cancel"
- Hit "cancel" harder
- Hit it even harder
- Re-enter correct PIN number
- Check balance ~
- Locate envelope with checks in purse
- Hunt for functioning pen in purse
- Endorse checks and pause after each one
- Make deposit
- Study instructions for one more minute
- Finally withdraw amount of cash
- Return to car
- Search for keys in purse
- Start car
- Pull away from machine
- Drive for a minute
- STOP!
- Go back to ATM
- Get out of car
- Retrieve card and receipt left behind at ATM
- Get back in car
- Put card in wallet
- Put receipt in checkbook
- Check makeup one more time
- Put car in reverse
- Put car in drive
- Drive away from ATM
- Travel thirteen miles
- Release parking brake.
Ellie Dent with:
GIFTS NOT TO GIVE ON MOTHER'S DAY
APPLIANCES OR CLEANING SUPPLIES
This is NOT the day to remind a woman who has already done so much for you, what else there is waiting to be done in the house. She may need a new vacuum, but on Mother's Day give her what she does want. Treat her to something that won't remind her of chores. Like movies or a spa day.
A PET
Resist the urge to get mom a pet puppy or kitten. Yes, they are cute and cuddly. But they 're just another mouth to feed, and someone else to clean after. Just give her a gift she'd really like: that gives her the day off.
ANYTHING ABOUT WEIGHT, WEIGHT LOSS OR EXERCISE
Do not, not ever, during Mother's Day, bring up weight. Reminding her about her pre-baby body will get you into an awful lot of trouble. Give her sweets instead of fiendish workout videos for women, or expensive gym memberships. Give her a day to just feel appreciated. And full of chocolate.
=
HEART JEWELRY
Yes, they are pretty and cute. But get a piece of astounding jewelry she would like, tempt her! Something really good she would pick up for herself. If she's unaccustomed to extravagance, if it is the only time she gets jewelry during the year, then get her something good she can wear all the time. Plus, getting the same dumb gift everyone gets their mom, gives her nothing to show off to friends or associates, or to outdo co-workers.
FLOWERS
Oh please! Hey, guys, put in a bit more effort! Don't be unimaginative and shop, buy, and ship her dubious/damaged flowers from the 'Net. This woman, unbelievably, GAVE BIRTH TO YOU. Have you any idea what that's like? No. If you are male, don't even start. Shape up! Do pay your loved one respect. Show that appreciation with time and love. Give her boxed, handmade sweets. Do it. Do not be a stranger to the woman that carried you inside her for nine months.
Julian Lofts with:
Super-rich London becomes the billionaires capital of the world. It has nearly twice as many plutocrats as New York, figures show.
=
Yes, word's out - Russian homes, palaces in Pimlico, Barbican, Chelsea. Not Archway, Ilford, Kentish Town, Purley, Forest Gate, Tower Hill
Snyder with:
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
=
Verse - But God tells how he saved this beloved relationship with fallen man. Honoring faith, He reveals the only door to heaven.
Rosie Perera with:
I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded (husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
=
We make this vow if we're to be married? Horrors! Truth: I'd prefer affluence and adult fun; no dowry, horrid in-laws, taboos, layoffs, floods, typhus threat, or a dead old body in the kitchen.
Jason Lofts with:
Guess why these seven persons are often in the British media:
1. Jimmy Savile
2. Max Clifford
3. Stuart Hall
4. Gary Glitter
5. Rolf Harris
6. Dave Lee Travis
7. Chris Denning?
=
1. Goner - he'd sex with minor girls
2. Filthy flimflammer
3. Craven pervert
4. Seen abusing tots (children)
5. The hairy Aussie satyr
6. Is DJ teen ravisher?
7. Fag (violates lads)?
Jason Lofts with:
"I am Warhol. I am the number one most impactful artist of our generation. I am Shakespeare in the flesh. Walt Disney. Nike. Google."
=
Kanye Omari West. Think he is the most unforgettable rapper of all time? A megalomaniac wish. I don't - arsehole if I'm ungenerous.
Adie Pena with:
TEN THINGS THE INTERNET HAS KILLED OR RUINED
1. Trust in encyclopedias
2. Barroom arguments
3. Your old flame
4. Civil discourse
5. Listening to albums
6. Expertise
7. Nigeria's reputation
8. Gud Spellng
9. Celebrity
10. Sex
=
BORED? TEN THINGS TO DO ONLINE
1. Relax. There's music...
2. Podcast? Listen.
3. Unravel conundrums.
4. Play an exciting game.
5. YouTube
6. Plan pruriently...
7. Get desires...
8. Thrills in U.S. girlie sites...
9. Facebook
10. Meet dirtier girls.
Neil Ramsay with:
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
=
Tell that to the despairing families, or a sweetheart of the carefree, teenage kids slain by Elliot Rodger; by the fierce, unstoppable gunman.
Rosie Perera with:
"The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom."
(Maya Angelou)
=
Such an astounding bold woman, bestselling author, born different, has died. The nation did struggle in horrific grief. Thank God Almighty, she's now free at last, fulfilled.
1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER
A Poem by Lewis Carroll
"The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright —
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done —
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun."
The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead —
There were no birds to fly.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
'If this were only cleared away,'
They said, 'it would be grand!'
'If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year,
Do you suppose,' the Walrus said,
'That they could get it clear?'
'I doubt it,' said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.
'O Oysters, come and walk with us!'
The Walrus did beseech.
'A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each.'
The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head —
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.
But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat —
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.
Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more —
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.
'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
'To talk of many things:
Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax —
Of cabbages — and kings —
And why the sea is boiling hot —
And whether pigs have wings.'
'But wait a bit,' the Oysters cried,
'Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!'
'No hurry!' said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.
'A loaf of bread,' the Walrus said,
'Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed —
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.'
'But not on us!' the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
'After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!'
'The night is fine,' the Walrus said.
'Do you admire the view?'
'It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!'
The Carpenter said nothing but
'Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf —
I've had to ask you twice!'
'It seems a shame,' the Walrus said,
'To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!'
The Carpenter said nothing but
'The butter's spread too thick!'
'I weep for you,' the Walrus said:
'I deeply sympathize.'
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.
'O Oysters,' said the Carpenter,
'You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none —
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.
=
THE WALRUS AND THE BEATLES
While skiffling with his 'Quarrymen'
Boy Lennon said to Paul
"Hey, dude, why don't you sing with us?
We're sure to have a ball."
So Paul said 'Yes' and George was next
And Ringo last of all.
A group was formed, the scene was set
They went in search of fame
But soon the boys all realised
They'd have to change their name
So, inspired by Buddy's 'Crickets',
'The Beatles' they became
They learnt their trade in Hamburg's dives
And back in Liverpool
Where they played at The Cavern club
(The kids thought they were cool!)
Said Epstein, "Can I manage you?
"Together we shall rule!"
The rest, of course, is history
Their status quickly soared
They cut a record, 'Love Me Do'
And it reached No. Four
The fans adored these cheeky lads
And they demanded more!
And that's precisely what they got
As 'Please Please Me' hit Two
Then they had their first No. One
A song 'From Me To You'
And then a bigger No. One
The catchy 'She Loves You'.
Those Lennon and McCartney songs
Were truly so unique,
And the added three-part harmonies
Would make your knees go weak!
And when George started to write hits
The fab four hit fresh peaks.
The disc 'I Want To Hold Your Hand'
Would seal their fate the day
That it rushed in to top the charts
In the US of A!
So, sudden worldwide fame arrived
And it arrived to stay!
The Beatles soared from hit to hit
Their music scaled new heights
Of sheer, creative genius
The future was so bright.
When 'Sgt Pepper' was conceived
It reaffirmed their might.
But, ah, another person had
Intruded on the scene
Her name was Yoko Ono she
Was like a figurine
Sad Lennon he was dazzled but
The others weren't so keen...
These were the 'fab four's' golden days
When they were at their peak
But had that vast creative vat
Begun to spring a leak?
And over time, did Yoko break
The Beatles, so to speak?
And was this the defining time,
When history looks back,
The Beatles' base began to shift
It's walls began to crack?
Did they choose wrong directions?
Had they subtly changed tack?
"The time has come, fans," Lennon said
"For an unusual song
I wrote it on an acid trip
The lyrics sound all wrong
'I Am The Walrus' it is called
I hope you sing along!"
I do aver, we loved those words
Ah, I did anyway!
Ooh, the idiosyncrasy!
But, buddies, may I say?
I'd sensed a threat of an adieu,
Some sad and sorry day
In those last topsy turvy years
The boys' success plateaued
Their work it's said, was not their best
(Aside from 'Abbey Road')
The four discussed it and agreed
To end the episode.
Behind them lay achievements that
No one would ever beat
The twists of fate that teamed them up
History can't repeat
We will not see their likes again
Nor duplicate their feats
So, Macca carried on with 'Wings'
And then went off solo
While Lennon scored hits of his own
Or dabbled with Yoko
Harrison wrote new, classic tunes
That always ebbed and flowed.
But now, within our souls we hoped
That, at a future date,
The 'fab four' boys would reunite
So we could hear them play
We had such hopes, but, ah, as usu-
-al, life got in the way...
Or rather, 'death' got in the way
Mark Chapman saw to that.
Then cancer saw off Harrison
And so our dreams were dashed
But their sweet music stayed alive,
And rose out of the ash.
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
(In honor of Mother's Day this May, Yeats' poem is anagrammed into a another poem that contains 2 relevant acrostics in both its first and last letters:)
'Song of the Old Mother' by Yeats
I rise in the dawn, and I kneel and blow
Till the seed of the fire flicker and glow;
And then I must scrub and bake and sweep
Till stars are beginning to blink and peep;
And the young lie long and dream in their bed
Of the matching of ribbons for bosom and head,
And their day goes over in idleness,
And they sigh if the wind but lift a tress:
While I must work because I am old,
And the seed of the fire gets feeble and cold.
=
The Mother's Gift
Men knew that nothing beats the gilded gleam
Of brooks that babble and fine daisies, too:
No gift's believed to be more brilliant
Than cunning Mother Nature's, when she's through.
How perfect a description it would be
Of all the magic in your able finger!
For years, all kindness and these fonder deeds
Made life a splendid bliss and kindly lingered:
As ebb and flow and wind define the sea,
Your hidden dedication was the key.
MeY
3rd - Tony Crafter with:
BAFFLING QUESTIONS THAT HAVE NO REAL ANSWER
If he lives in the jungle and doesn't have a razor, how come Tarzan doesn't have a beard?
Why do we press harder on the remote control even if we know the batteries are flat?
Why do the banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' if they're aware that there are insufficient funds to cover it?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear crash helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there's in excess of four billion stars in the sky, but check when you say that the paint is wet?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
Hmm...
And did you ever stop to wonder...?
If the temperature is zero today and it is going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be tomorrow?
Do married people really live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we'd put a man on the moon before we figured out that it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'Hmm... I think I'll squeeze
those pink dangly things and drink whatever might come out of them.'?
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its arse.'
~
Why do toasters have a setting so extreme it burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever want to eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking you for the time, but do not point to their bum when asking you where the bathroom is?
Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed when he knows he's gonna look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand up erect while Pluto's always low on all fours? They are both dogs!
What joker's idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
What is the speed of darkness?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil's made from corn and vegetable oil from vegetables, then what's baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Now stop singing and read on......
Do illiterate people get the full benefits of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets angry, yet when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
And, the last one...
How do you make five pounds of fat look sexy?
Aha, I think I can answer that one! Give it a nipple.
Adie Pena with:
YOU'RE NEVER FULLY DRESSED WITHOUT A SMILE
Music: Charles Strouse / Lyrics: Martin Charnin
HEALY:
(spoken) This is Bert Healy saying ...
(singing now) Hey, hobo man
Hey, Dapper Dan
You've both got your style
But Brother,
You're never fully dressed
Without a smile!
Your clothes may be Beau Brummelly
They stand out a mile --
But Brother,
You're never fully dressed
Without a smile!
Who cares what they're wearing
From Main Street,
to Saville Row,
It's what you wear from ear to ear
And not from head to toe
(That matters)
So, Senator,
So, Janitor,
So long for a while
Remember,
You're never fully dressed
Without a smile!
BOYLAN SISTER:
Ready or not, here he goes
Listen to Bert
Tap his smilin' toes
HEALY:
(spoken)
Ah, the lovely Boylan Sisters
BOYLAN SISTERS:
Doo doodle-oo doo
Doo doodle-oo doo
Doo doo doo doo
Doo doo doo doo
Your clothes may be Beau Brummelly
They stand out a mile
But, brother
You're never fully dressed
You're never dressed
Without an
CONNIE BOYLAN:
S-
BONNIE BOYLAN:
M-
RONNIE BOYLAN:
I-
CONNIE BOYLAN:
L-
ALL THREE:
E.
Smile darn ya smile.
ALL:
That matters
So Senator
So Janitor
So long for a while
=
SMILES
Now to resolutely study
Andy Warhol's Marilyn Monroe or
The so blissful Buddha.
I dream not of bloody errors or rotten trolls
Or so-so obsolete tools or Bobby's lobotomy but
Now of Malle Babbe
And Jolly Toper, too.
Love your
Self Portrait, Jan Steen;
Must be one roller!
I need Charlie Chaplin's melody.*
Love your chorus, Avril Lavigne.**
Elated or blithesome
Mona Lisa by Leonardo, subverted by
Our esteemed storyteller Duchamp.
No more tormentors; moroseness, too.
To be sore or so lost; tortured or to rot
Here? Better be so blessed.
---------------
*Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near.
If you smile with your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you.
**Yo-u said "Hey,
What's your name?"
It took one look
And now we're not the same
Yeah you said "Hey."
And since that day
You stole my heart
And you're the one to blame
(Yeah)
And that's why I smile
It's been a while
Since every day and everything has
Felt this right
And now you turn it all around
And suddenly you're all I need
The reason why I-I-I
I smi-i-ile.
Dharam Khalsa with:
The Five Toughest Questions that Women Ask Men, and the Answers Guys Need...
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
The thing that makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major fuming argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with a possible response.
1. What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are and how lucky I am to have met you."
Inappropriate answers:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are now.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy on "Married with Children", who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
2. Do you love me?
The proper response is always "YES!", or if you feel a more detailed answer is in order "Yes, dear. Of course!"
Inappropriate responses include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said "yes"?
c. That depends on what you mean by love (the Bill Clinton response).
d. Does it matter?
e. Huh? Are you talking to me?
~
3. Do I look fat?
Possibly the best preventative answer is the emphatic "No!"
Prohibited provocative responses:
a. Compared to whom?
b. Yes. I wouldn't say "blimp-like", but those thighs sure do make a lot of noise!
c. A few extra pounds look good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Please repeat that question. I was just thinking about how I could spend the insurance money if you died first.
4. Do you think she's prettier than me?
Again, the correct response is a zealous or authoritative, "No!"
Inadvisable answers:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. She is no prettier, but she is a lot thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty.
e. Please repeat the question; I was thinking of the insurance money again.
5. What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question here. (The real answer is "Buy that classic Jaguar I've always wanted.")
No matter how you answer this question, be prepared for hours of follow-up questions, along these lines:
Wife: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Wife: Why not ... don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Wife: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: OK, I'd get married again.
Wife: YOU WOULD (hurt look on face)??
Man: Correct, I would.
Wife: (sobbing) Would you still keep all my photos, or replace them with hers?
Man: That seems like the proper thing to do.
Wife: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: Hush! She can't use those...she's left handed!
1st - Rick Rothstein with:
Extreme sounds =
Tremendous sex.
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
A male's worst habit =
Miss that bowl area.
Eq 3rd - Larry Brash with:
Atypical sexual behaviours =
Auto-asphyxia. Service a bull.
Eq 3rd - Adie Pena with:
The penis and some Viagra pills =
As he'll deposit sperm in vagina.
View with:
The 'International Clitoris Awareness Week' =
Carnal trainee: essential to know where it is!
Christopher Sturdy with:
Self-gratification =
It's fact, I frig alone.
Dirty Old Man with:
Lesbian lovers touch each other's ~
torso, haunches, beaver, clit, holes...
Ivan Andonov with:
“Nymphomaniac”, directed by Lars von Trier =
Tore my horny clit in a depraved man's crib.
Julian Lofts with:
Austrian Conchita Wurst sang 'Rise like a Phoenix' =
A prick, no cunt, "it" has eager sex with sailor in anus
Tony Crafter with:
Pisses out of the window =
Puts on sideshow to wife!
Mark Huffman with:
A dying Tupac Shakur's final words =
"Fuck you." A standard slang wish! RIP!
Neil Ramsay with:
Fanatic argues =
Farage is a cunt.
Maurice Goddard with:
I guess that all runny pooh ~
is thoroughly unpleasant!
David Bourke with:
The singer Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone =
A side-income: Revealing her cunt on occasion.
nedesto with:
The whoremonger =
Wrong home, there!